The Reconnection Club Podcast

In this thought-provoking third episode of a 4-part series on validation, Tina Gilbertson takes listeners deeper into the heart of the topic. She makes a compelling case for why self-validation isn't just helpful, it's essential. Without it, our attempts to validate others, especially estranged adult children, can fall flat or even backfire. Tina shares a powerful (and somewhat unsettling) example that highlights just how tricky it can be to validate someone's emotions when you're the one they're upset with. What do you do when you don't agree with their version of you? How do you stay grounded in your own truth while still offering genuine empathy? You'll come away from this episode with a clearer, more nuanced understanding of validation, and why it often starts with giving yourself what you may never have received from others. For much more on relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how parents can respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Part 1. Validation (Or Lack Thereof) (Ep 198) Part 2. Validation: What, Why, How and When (Ep 199)

In this invaluable second episode of a 4-part series, host Tina Gilbertson wades into the nuts and bolts of validation -- a concept that can shift the dynamics of strained or distant relationships in positive directions. With her usual warmth and clarity, Tina walks you through how to acknowledge someone's feelings without judgment or correction. ... And without losing yourself in the process. If you've ever wondered how to respond when your adult child expresses anger, pulls away, or shares something you deeply disagree with, this episode offers a fresh and practical perspective. Tina boils down validation to the basics: What it is, why it matters more than most people realize, how you can start practicing today, and when to apply this skill in your life and relationships. You'll learn a simple, two-step technique anyone can use to validate authentically. You'll hear specific language to help you navigate emotional conversations with more confidence and calm. This is an episode that may leave you thinking differently about the next conversation you have, and how you want to show up for it. For much more on relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how parents can respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 163: Personal Growth vs. Parenting?

Reconnection Club Members can use the player on our Podcast Player page to play episodes continuously. Follow us on Instagram.    *   *   * Many estranged adult children report feeling invalidated in their interactions with their parents. These feelings -- of being dismissed, misunderstood, or emotionally unseen -- often contribute to ongoing disconnection. But what exactly does invalidation sound like in everyday conversation? And how can parents begin to recognize these pitfalls, to make sure they're being as supportive as they want to be? In this compassionate and informative episode, host Tina Gilbertson begins a vital exploration of validation -- what it means, why it matters, and how it often plays a pivotal role in the dynamics between parents and adult children. The first of a four-part series, this episode focuses on three common types of invalidating responses. Tina breaks down each type with clarity and care, offering real-life examples to help listeners recognize them in context. Future episodes in this series will explore validation in greater depth, offering tools and insights to support parents on their journey through estrangement with empathy and clarity. For much more on relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how parents can respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: How to Validate Someone Validation and Estrangement Words of Validation for Parents of No-Contact Adult Children Validation Workshop (Reconnection Club member login required)

This important episode features excerpts from a previously recorded conversation between host Tina Gilbertson and trauma expert Harold “Pat” Patrick, regarding trauma from adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). Their discussion uncovers how unresolved trauma from even the distant past can subtly shape the emotional lives of parents today -- especially those facing rejection from their adult children. Even after years of therapy, deep-seated emotional wounds can persist, influencing parents' reactions. In two separate excerpts, Pat offers valuable insights on how to recognize the hidden remnants of trauma, and explores the powerful idea that it's never too late to begin healing, and to find happiness within. Whether you're a parent struggling with wrenching emotional pain from estrangement, or simply seeking to understand the current situation better, this episode provides hope and practical advice for moving forward and reclaiming your emotional well-being. For more on how to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE RESOURCES: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 194: Room for Improvement The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) Questionnaire The full interview with Pat Patrick (RC members must be logged in to access)

When adult children become estranged from their parents, the ripple effects can often spread to other family members—siblings, grandparents, and even close friends. These "innocent bystanders" can become collateral damage in the fallout of a family rift. In this clarifying episode, host Tina Gilbertson explores four common reasons why estranged adult children might distance themselves from others in the family, and even beyond. Understanding these motivations can offer a clearer picture of the situation and may help ease parents' fears about the extent of the rift. You'll learn that collateral damage doesn't always mean your adult child's estrangement is extreme or escalating; it may simply be a reflection of complex dynamics at play. If you're a parent struggling to understand why your child's estrangement from you is affecting their other relationships, this episode offers insight into the reasons behind it. You'll gain a clearer understanding of the emotional complexities underlying estrangement, and why “innocent bystanders” sometimes become part of the (hopefully temporary) fallout. For information and tips on how to make repairs and begin to heal from parent-adult child estrangement, read Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Or get on the Reconnection Club mailing list. EPISODE RESOURCES: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 31: Why Don't Other Relatives Help?

Parents have various ways to cope with the pain of prolonged estrangement from their adult children. One of them is to find a way to let their children go, with love, in their hearts. Letting an adult child go can bring a measure of relief to those who are able to do it. They may feel more peaceful and less sad. It's relatively easy to let go of someone in silence. But what happens if they suddenly contact you? Reconnection Club Podcast host Tina Gilbertson speaks to parents having just that experience. They're caught in a dilemma between silence and peace on the one hand, and undependable contact on the other. In this illuminating episode, Tina suggests leaning in to this dilemma as a first step to finding your way past it. For more on relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how parents can respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: RC Podcast Episode 144: What's Your Strategy? “If Your Child Contacts You After Asking for No Contact” (log in for access)

The journey through unwanted estrangement from adult children can remain challenging even after extensive personal work and therapy, as hidden barriers continue to surface. In this pivotal episode, Reconnection Club Podcast host Tina Gilbertson explores how parents who have built fulfilling lives and invested in their own growth may still have blind spots that hinder their healing journey. Key Insights: Even with extensive therapy and personal development, we may have unrecognized areas that need attention The assumption that we've "done enough work" can itself become a barrier to deeper healing Parents who have created successful lives despite estrangement may overlook remaining opportunities for emotional growth Looking inward, rather than focusing on reconciliation or the adult child's actions, can reveal unexpected areas for personal development Tina offers a gentle challenge to parents to consider that there may be more internal work to discover, even when it seems like all possible growth has been achieved. For more on how to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Get on Tina's mailing list. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

When adult children cut contact with their parents, they often cite experiences and memories that their parents remember completely differently. But what happens when two people recall the same events in contradicting ways? In this illuminating episode, Reconnection Club host Tina Gilbertson tackles the complex nature of truth in family relationships. Through an engaging example of a backyard barbecue, she demonstrates how seemingly opposing versions of events can both hold validity – and why trying to prove your adult child "wrong" about their memories may be counterproductive. Tina explains that emotional truth in relationships operates differently from objective facts, offering insights for parents struggling to reconcile their memories with their adult child's perspective.  This episode provides essential understanding for parents who want to build bridges rather than debate whose version of events is "correct." Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.  Check out Tina's book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 117: Heroes and Villains

When your adult child goes “no contact,” it can feel like you're suddenly in a state of emergency. How did this happen? What is a parent supposed to do? How do you fix this painful problem if your child won't talk to you? When dealing with a crisis, the last thing you might be concerned about is balance. But balancing activity with sufficient rest is critical for anyone trying to solve an important problem. We're simply not at our best when we're out of balance. We don't have our full capabilities, and we suffer from exhaustion and despair. Whether you feel like you've gone into overdrive, or the opposite – that you've been mired in passivity or paralysis – host Tina Gilbertson has something for you in this simple but profound episode. For information and tips on how to make repairs and begin to heal from parent-adult child estrangement, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Or get on the RC mailing list. EPISODE LINKS: Start the New Year With … Rest?  How to Do the Bare Minimum Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Having a no-contact adult child can be not only painful, but genuinely confusing. They might agree to receive texts from you, but not reply to any texts you send. Maybe they tell you they love you, even as they continue to create distance. When you stop contacting them at their request, why do they then claim you don't care about them? What's going on? What do they want? How can you figure that out if they won't talk to you? In this reassuring episode, Tina Gilbertson suggests that maybe you don't have to. Generally speaking, mixed messages are not a sign that your adult child is mentally ill or worse, messing with you. Instead, they can be an unconscious expression of ambivalence or a reflection of normal developmental changes in young or recently launched adults. For much more on relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how to respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 171: Understanding Ambivalence

When your adult child goes no contact, you search for solutions. You hunt for ideas, inspiration, support and above all, answers. And the whole time, you feel awful. Estrangement, in other words, is hard. It's natural to gravitate towards quick and relatively easy solutions: Writing an apology letter. Sending gifts. Showing up unannounced. Sending one text after another, despite receiving no reply. For parents, the real work of healing estrangement often has nothing to do with contact. It's long, slow, difficult and solitary work. But parents who take the harder path can earn greater rewards, sooner, as host Tina Gilbertson explains in this essential episode. For more on how to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

This is Part 2 of a 2-part episode that began with Episode 188 (not 187 as stated in this episode). Click here for Part 1. More often than not, when no-contact adult children end their estrangements and return to the relationship, there's an elephant in the room -- at least from the parent's point of view. Parents feel like they're walking on eggshells, trying to avoid whatever it was that created the problem in the first place. If only their adult children would tell them what went wrong, so they could keep it from happening again! But that elephant-in-the-room feeling may not be shared by the adult child, who wants the relationship to work as much as the parent does. They might not want to talk about the elephant. And that leaves parents feeling unsettled, to say the least. This episode is for you if you're feeling nervous and unsure around your recently reconciled, or semi-estranged, adult child. For more about how to make repairs and begin to heal from parent-adult child estrangement, read show host Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE RESOURCES: Seeking Safety in Estrangement (scroll to bottom of that page for more emotional safety resources) The Center for Nonviolent Communication Validation and Estrangement How to Validate Someone

More often than not, when no-contact adult children end their estrangements and return to the relationship, there's an elephant in the room -- at least from the parent's point of view. Parents feel like they're walking on eggshells, trying to avoid whatever it was that created the problem in the first place. If only their adult children would tell them what went wrong, so they could keep it from happening again! But that elephant-in-the-room feeling may not be shared by the adult child, who wants the relationship to work as much as the parent does. They might not want to talk about the elephant. And that leaves parents feeling unsettled, to say the least. This episode is for you if you're feeling nervous and unsure around your recently reconciled, or semi-estranged, adult child. For more about how to make repairs and begin to heal from parent-adult child estrangement, read show host Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE RESOURCES: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 125: The GOOD Parent's Biggest Blind Spot, Part 1 Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 126: The GOOD Parent's Biggest Blind Spot, Part 2 Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 54: Why Do They Cut Off Contact Instead of Talking About It? Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 118: Does Your Adult Child Lack Communication Skills?

Hear the voices of parent who are facing the holidays without their estranged adult children this year... If you're unwillingly estranged from your adult child or children during the holiday season, host Tina Gilbertson and members of the Reconnection Club community want you to know you're not alone. Listen to this very special episode in your podcast player app before it expires on December 30th, 2024. Episodes never expire from the Reconnection Club website. Find any episode on our site by typing the episode number after a “/” like this: “Reconnectionclub.com/187” For more holiday-related resources from the Reconnection Club, check out these materials: RCP Episode 107: Staying Present In Their Absence Practice Slow Breathing BEFORE the Holidays Inviting Estranged Adult Children Home For the Holidays RCP Episode 69: It's OK to Enjoy Yourself During Estrangement Make a Detailed Plan to Get Through Special Days Getting Through Christmas For much more about how to deal with estrangement from your adult child(ren) throughout the year, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Following on from episodes 160 and 162 (see episode links below), host Tina Gilbertson addresses another one of those cognitive distortions (or common thinking errors) that create extra suffering in an experience that's already painful: Estrangement from your adult child(ren). In this episode, Tina runs through a total of six examples (keep listening after she reviews the first three!) of black and white thinking embraced by parents of no-contact adult children. How many feel familiar to you? Listeners will find relief in the idea that estrangement isn't necessarily all or nothing, that there are many possibilities -- even when that doesn't seem possible. For more information on why adult children become estranged (or "go no-contact") and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 160: Emotional Reasoning Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 162: Overgeneralizing and Catastrophizing Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 117: Heroes and Villains Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 176: Regarding Apologies Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 154: Nothing Happens in a Vacuum

Some estranged adult children go no contact because they say their parents are too critical. Has your adult child made this complaint? Are you frustrated because you just don't see what they're seeing? Does it seem like your adult child is too sensitive, and you're walking on eggshells because you never know what's going to make them feel criticized? Or do you recognize what they're talking about, but can't seem to change the dynamic? This episode is for anybody accused of being critical towards adult children, spouses or others. In an interesting thesis, Tina Gilbertson suggests what might be going on that's coming across as criticism, and what you can do about it. Changing relationship dynamics takes time. But if you know where to begin, you can get started today even if your adult child isn't currently in contact. For information on why adult children become estranged (or "go no-contact") and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Getting along with in-laws is an age-old tradition, but also a challenge for many. When your adult child appears to be estranged because their partner doesn't like you, it can feel like a hurtful and impossible situation. The partner may seem like a cruel and powerful gatekeeper, standing between you and your child and grandchild(ren). Resentment soon follows. And things go downhill from there. Although this may not be an easy problem to solve, you'll want to make sure you've truly done everything you can to make repairs from your end. This episode is for every unwillingly estranged parent who's tried in vain to win over an adult child's partner. You'll learn five separate (and possibly overlapping) reasons why the partner doesn't seem to like you and, more importantly, what you can do about it. For more information on why adult children become estranged (or “go no-contact”) and what parents can do about it, read Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child by Tina Gilbertson. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE RESOURCES: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 131: Preparing for Family Therapy

Not every parent whose adult child goes no contact feels like hiding it from friends and acquaintances. But many parents do. If you feel uncomfortable sharing the fact of your adult child(ren)'s estrangement, you might identify with the Reconnection Club member whose words Tina shares in this forum-inspired episode. If you fear the judgement of others, could it be that you've been judging yourself? If so, how can you overcome the quiet embarrassment that keeps you from living out loud? Listen to the words of a Reconnection Club member who wrestled with this very question in our forums. And won. For much more about how to deal with estrangement by your adult child(ren) read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Political differences can play a role in family estrangement. But simply having differences is not the whole problem. How we communicate with family members who don't share our views affects our ability to connect with them in spite of those differences. In this helpful episode, Tina shares an excerpt from her conversation with relationship expert Bill Eddy, author of Calming Upset People with EAR: How Statements Showing Empathy, Attention, and Respect Can Quickly Defuse a Conflict. For more about communicating effectively with estranged adult children and healing from parent-adult child estrangement, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE RESOURCE: Calming Upset People with EAR by Bill Eddy

When you have an estranged adult child who's gone no-contact, it's impossible not to think about change. Something needs to change if your adult child's estrangement is to end. But making changes isn't easy. Especially if you're not sure what to change, or how, or why. In this episode, Tina shares her personal experience of an unexpected change that happened in her life. She talks about how change can happen when you least expect it, and how profound developments can appear without effort through simple, non-judgmental curiosity. This is an episode for everyone interested in, or struggling with, making positive changes. For much more information on resolving parent-adult child estrangement, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Reconciliation between parents and no-contact adult children can be thought of as a phase of estrangement. That means that for many parents, reconciliation will be disappointing – at least for a while.  Things aren't back to normal. Conversation doesn't flow. You might still feel estranged, even though there's contact. What's going on? In this episode, Tina normalizes some of the disappointing and frustrating aspects of reconciliation. She explains that it's nobody's fault, and that it may require continued personal and interpersonal development.  If your adult child's behavior seems unpredictable even though they're supposed to be reconciled, it doesn't mean the process has stalled. It may simply mean that it's getting under way. EPISODE RESOURCES: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 164: Emotional Safety Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 171: Understanding Ambivalence Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 144: What's Your Strategy? Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 97: Road Map to Reconnection (Part 1) For more information on why adult children become estranged (or "go no-contact") and what parents can do about it, read Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

"We see the world not as it is, but as we are." In this episode, Tina invites parents unwillingly estranged from their adult children to take a step back and consider their beliefs about themselves, others, and the world. She compares our individual worldview to a pair of glasses, with lenses of a particular color. We can't help but perceive the world in a limiting way as long as it reaches us through a fixed filter. The central idea in this episode is that even if your adult child's estrangement is an objective fact, the meaning of it, and your response to it, will mirror your habitual feelings, beliefs and expectations. This is a contemplative episode. Listen when you have time and energy for reflection. For information on why adult children become estranged and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: RCP Ep. 160: Emotional Reasoning

If you've received a letter from your estranged adult child, this week's episode of the Reconnection Club Podcast, along with the one preceding it (Episode 177), is a must-listen. Because however hopeless, hurt or angry you might feel when you read it, it could actually contain the blueprint for future reconciliation and peace. Many parents fail to decode the message that's usually there between the lines – the one about what went wrong in the relationship, and how to help heal it. That's more valuable than any other information the parent could obtain about how to end estrangement. And yet most parents overlook it at first. Before responding to a letter from your estranged adult child, use this two-part episode to process what they wrote. Be sure to start with Part 1! Remember there's no need to rush a reply; points are not given for quick responses, only effective ones. Set a boundary around your own process, and take the time you need. For plenty of ideas on how to repair troubled relationships with adult children, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE SERIES RESOURCES: Criticism As a Form of Connection Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them RC Podcast Episode 139: Emotions of Estrangement (Part 1) RC Podcast Episode 140: Emotions of Estrangement (Part 2) Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 168: Emotional Pain: A Field Guide

If you've received a letter from your estranged adult child, this week's episode of the Reconnection Club Podcast is a must-listen. Because however hopeless, hurt or angry you might feel when you read it, it could actually contain the blueprint for future reconciliation and peace. Many parents fail to decode the message that's usually there between the lines – the one about what went wrong in the relationship, and how to help heal it. That's more valuable than any other information the parent could obtain about how to end estrangement. And yet most parents overlook it at first. Before responding to a letter from your estranged adult child, use this two-part episode to process what they wrote. There's no need to rush a reply; points are not given for quick responses, only effective ones. Set a boundary around your own process, and take the time you need. For lots of ideas on how to repair troubled relationships with adult children, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE RESOURCES: Criticism As a Form of Connection Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them RC Podcast Episode 139: Emotions of Estrangement (Part 1) RC Podcast Episode 140: Emotions of Estrangement (Part 2) Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 168: Emotional Pain: A Field Guide

TRANSCRIPT: These are uncertain times for those of us who create and freely share content via the Internet. I mentioned on the podcast earlier this year that I needed some time to assess the impact of all the changes happening in the world of digital information, including the widespread, unregulated use of AI. At that time, I removed the show from a couple of the larger platforms, and stopped releasing new episodes to those platforms. Unfortunately, many smaller platforms were also affected. And that's made it a lot harder for the show to be found by new listeners, which is a dilemma I'm still wrestling with.  Because it's become clear that even more changes are necessary to protect the integrity of this podcast, even while making sure that you, the listener, can still access it. So here's the current plan.  Starting with Episode 177, which will be released on July 29th, 2024, new episodes will appear in more places, but with certain exceptions, they will expire when the next episode is released. And beginning immediately, I'm going to start expiring some of the older episodes – again, with certain exceptions. Namely, the following:  - If you're used to listening to the videos on our YouTube channel, or ... - If you listen on the Reconnection Club website... Nothing will change for you. There will be no expiration and you can disregard this entire announcement. (Again, that is if you listen on either our YouTube channel, or our website.) However, if you use a podcast player app like iHeartRadio or Pocket Casts, then new episodes starting with 177 will typically be available for only two weeks, and then they will expire.  There are ways to get around that two-week time limit. Within those first two weeks, you should still be able to download episodes and keep them for however long you want, depending on the app. Please check on that directly with your app. I don't have that information. But if you ever lose an episode or can't find one that you're looking for, remember you can always find every single episode, old and new, on the Reconnection Club website, at reconnectionclub.com/podcast, or by episode number, for example, "reconnectionclub.com/130" for Episode 130. Or, subscribe to our YouTube channel for free and listen there. I know that episode expiration will not be a welcome change, and I thank you for your understanding and patience as I try to strike a balance between limiting unauthorized access by AI, and preserving your access to the podcast as a listener.  I also thank you for sharing the Reconnection Club Podcast with other parents experiencing unwanted estrangement from their adult children.  Thank you for your continued support in these challenging times. 

Transcript: Over the next few weeks and months, you might discover that you can no longer find this podcast in the place where you normally listen. I want to apologize for that, explain what's happening, and assure you that this show isn't going away!  And I'd be grateful for your help in spreading that news. Very recently, several large podcast platforms announced changes to their service that will essentially open the door to the potential for  copyright infringement -- along with the garbling of the original message that so often happens when content is taken out of context. There is effectively no way for podcasters to opt out of these changes, and I need time to assess the situation. So I've made the very difficult decision to opt out for now, the only way I can: By removing the show from those platforms. Since the platforms in question are so large and popular, chances are if you're listening to this, you will be affected by this change. And I know that it's a hassle. And for that, I am truly sorry. I want you to know that even if you suddenly find that it's not where it used to be, the Reconnection Club Podcast is still being released on schedule, in other podcast platforms. And remember, you can always find it at reconnectionclub.com/podcast. This show will go on. For you and for new listeners. I've got so much I still want to share with you through the podcast. So please help me spread the word, that the Reconnection Club Podcast is available on our website if you can't find it elsewhere. Just go to reconnectionclub.com/podcast. Thank you for listening.

Safety can be physical – such as being safe inside during a storm – or emotional. In this important episode, Tina explains why “emotional safety” is more than a buzzword, and why unwillingly estranged parents benefit from understanding and embracing the concept. Emotional safety is important in close relationships. But for parents living without sufficient emotional safety themselves, creating safety for their adult children may not yet be possible.  Tina gives examples of ordinary situations that don't meet the human need for emotional safety. She encourages listeners to reflect on whether they might be living in those situations, and figure out how to improve or transform them wherever possible. She also shares 10 tips for increasing emotional safety in relationships. If your adult child has ever spoken to you about feeling safe in your relationship (or even if they haven't), this episode is a must-listen. EPISODE LINKS: Emotional Safety is Necessary for Emotional Connection How to Be an  Emotionally Safe Parent Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.  Not a member yet? Learn more and join.  Check out Tina's book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child.

Why is it so hard to be consistent in how you think or feel during estrangement from your adult child(ren)? Why does your heart sometimes ache for your adult child, and other times feel only frustrated and hurt? For some parents, there's a quiet but persistent inner conflict between personal growth and repairing an estranged relationship. Those parents face an impossible choice: Should they be true to themselves? Or should they forsake their own healing and prioritize the relationship? An example of that conflict highlighted in this episode is when personal growth requires parents to speak up for themselves as part of healing from past emotional abuse or neglect. When their estranged adult children express dissatisfaction with the relationship, parents' healthy need for boundaries and self-protection may conflict with the momentary need to listen without defensiveness. It's a deeply disturbing and painful dilemma when preserving the relationship with oneself stands in opposition to nurturing the relationship with one's child(ren). And while there's no ready solution in the short term, it's possible to keep the problem from becoming entrenched by continuing to walk with purpose along your own path of personal healing and growth, as Tina explains. EPISODE RESOURCE: Personal Healing: More Than a Detour for Rejected Parents  For more on how to repair troubled relationships with adult children, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Following on from RC Podcast Episode 160 (see episode links below), Tina tackles two more cognitive distortions, or mental mistakes, that can make an unwanted estrangement feel even worse than it already does. In this equally eye-opening episode, Tina offers multiple examples of overgeneralizing and catastrophizing in the context of estrangement from adult children. She explains how parents' personal histories can predispose them to these psychological pitfalls through no fault of their own. As always, there are practical suggestions for overcoming cognitive distortions and the chronic stress they tend to fuel. For more on coping with, understanding, and effectively addressing estrangement from estranged adult children, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: RC Podcast Episode 160: Emotional Reasoning RC Podcast Episode 20: What Your Child's Silence Really Means Feeling Good by David Burns Therapist directories: https://traumatherapistnetwork.com/ https://www.psychologytoday.com https://www.goodtherapy.org/

For millions of people around the world who celebrate Christmas* – including parents unwillingly estranged from their own adult children and grandchildren – “the most wonderful time of the year” can also be one of the least wonderful times. In this special Christmas episode for parents of estranged adult children, Tina normalizes emotional pain during what is supposed to be the season of good cheer. She outlines an attitude to adopt and a strategy to employ, to combat the painful uncertainty of what to expect at Christmas during an ongoing estrangement. As always, she invites listeners to take charge of their experience and remember their inherent value as human beings. Don't miss this takeaway-packed episode. *  If you're an unwillingly estranged parent who doesn't celebrate this particular holiday, click here for a list of more inclusive holiday-themed resources on this site. Please note: Some resources on that list are only accessible to Reconnection Club members. For much more information on coping with, and responding effectively to, estrangement by your adult child (or children), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: RC Podcast Episode 139: Emotions of Estrangement, Part 1 RC Podcast Episode 140: Emotions of Estrangement, Part 2 Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them Make a Detailed Plan to Get Through Special Days RC Podcast Episode 131: Preparing for family therapy BONUS: Tina Gilbertson's humorous, therapy-themed version of “The 12 Days of Christmas”

Parents of estranged adult children may feel – and believe – that estrangement is an emergency requiring immediate action on their part. It's as though they stand to lose their adult child(ren) forever if they don't do something about it right now. No wonder it feels like an emergency! And if those parents don't know what to do, or if everything they do seems to make matters worse, they can fall into a state of terrible limbo. They become vulnerable to desperation, anxiety, depression, and more. Not taking immediate action to end estrangement (whatever that would be) does not mean losing your child forever. It's just one example of a trick of the mind called “emotional reasoning.” Emotional reasoning is a cognitive distortion, or mental mistake, that can cause parents more pain than necessary during unwanted estrangement. In this informative episode, Tina explains the negative impact of emotional reasoning and gives examples she sees in parents she works with. Some of the examples might sound familiar to you. If so, this episode can help you begin to free yourself from the painful prison of emotional reasoning. For much more information on coping with, and responding effectively to, estrangement by your adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

These things are true about estrangement support on the internet: 1. Many estranged adult children's forums contain mean-spirited remarks about rejected parents. 2. Many rejected parents' forums contain mean-spirited remarks about estranged adult children. 3. Mean-spirited remarks don't heal the pain of estrangement on either side. True support, in the form of validation of emotion and compassionate education, are also available online. In this grounding episode, Tina shares the words of an unwillingly estranged parent who values the support available to her estranged adult child on the internet. If you're worried about the internet turning your adult child against you, be prepared for an uplifting mindset shift. For much more on how to understand estrangement by adult children and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Freedom of Mind – education on cults

When your own adult child cuts you off, it can be deeply hurtful. And part of the reason for that pain is what it feels like their estrangement means. Many rejected parents believe it's their personal flaws that prompted their adult children to create distance. They think that because they'll never be perfect, there's nothing they can do to repair the relationship. But estranged adult children don't need parents to be perfect; just listen to RCP 121 on that point. In this helpful episode, Tina makes the case that parents' weaknesses per se are not to blame for estrangement. All parents have flaws; those are simply part of the human landscape. Tina argues that it's interactions -- through habits, family dynamics and specific behaviors -- that should be the focus of repair efforts. Unlike personality, personal interactions are potentially under our control. This is good news. You can't (and don't have to) change who you are. Specific behavioral changes are far more accessible. They could make a huge difference to you and your estranged adult child(ren). For more on how to repair troubled relationships with adult children, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

It's common for parents to believe that the “punishment” of estrangement is supposed to fit the “crime” – whatever it may be – to which their adult child is holding them accountable by keeping their distance. This idea that the length or perceived severity of estrangement correlates exclusively to an injury or injuries suffered by the adult child in childhood is, in most cases, a myth. Trying to map your adult child's estrangement onto their childhood may be nothing more than an exercise in frustration. Most parents remember making sacrifices and efforts on their children's behalf. Therefore they tend to look back at the time as, at worst, a mixed bag for their child(ren). Relationships are complicated. So is estrangement. In this myth-busting episode, Tina advises listeners to stop linking present estrangement behavior to the distant past, and embrace the current context of accumulated experience. For more on understanding why adult children cut off their parents and what you can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship These 4 Things Affect How Long You'll Be Estranged RC Podcast Episode 20: What Your Child's Silence Really Means RC Podcast Episode 154: Nothing Happens in a Vacuum

What are parents supposed to do when estranged adult children leave their belongings at home? That's a tricky question. There isn't just one right answer that will fit for every family. When you're storing the belongings of someone who's not talking to you, you're in a difficult position – both logistically and emotionally. How do you decide what to do that won't harm the relationship, when you have feelings and needs of your own? This episode normalizes the storing of adult children's stuff, but also walks listeners through some good steps to take when a decision needs to be made about moving their possessions. For more ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Estrangement from family is a kind of ambiguous loss. But some of the losses that are often associated with estrangement are definitive. They can be grieved. For parents who are unwillingly estranged from their adult children, there are at least five potential, definitive losses they might sustain during estrangement. Tina walks listeners through them in this important episode, and encourages you to begin the grieving process now. Once estrangement ends, many find that healing still takes time. By acknowledging and grieving identifiable losses during estrangement, you can start working through the emotional fallout from this painful passage. Links to resources mentioned in this episode are listed below. For more on how to respond effectively to estrangement by adult children, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: RC Podcast Ep. 2 Estrangement is an Ambiguous Loss RC Podcast Ep. 95 The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent RC Podcast Ep. 139 Emotions of Estrangement, Part 1 RC Podcast Ep. 151 Losing Time While Estranged Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Some parents of estranged adult children beat themselves up for parenting “mistakes” they couldn't possibly have avoided. Others blame their children for being difficult, ungrateful or too sensitive. What's missing from these simplistic assignments of blame for estrangement? Context. According to Tina, context is very often overlooked to the detriment of both parents and children. In this episode, she gives three specific examples of context that many parents fail to fully appreciate. You may be inspired to examine the context of your own situation as you listen, and to consider its impact on feelings and behavior. Doing so can help you find peace and stop blaming yourself. For much more on how to understand estrangement by adult children and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Some parents experiencing estrangement from their adult children have known estrangement before. Not necessarily from other people, but within themselves. Self-alienation is a kind of internal estrangement that has become almost normal in our culture. With so much information available and so much to do, we're not always fully present. We lose touch with ourselves over time, often without realizing it. In this actionable episode, Tina lists possible signs of self-alienation, along with specific practices to combat it. Where there's disconnect inside in the form of self-alienation, it's very hard to repair disconnected relationships on the outside. Use the material in this episode to start building a foundation for a close and connected relationship with your adult child or children. For information on why adult children become estranged and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Episode 97: Road Map to Reconnection Feldenkrais Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Estrangement from family, like everything else, takes place against the psychological backdrop of human development. Far from ending in adulthood, development continues throughout the lifespan, and offers hope for change in any given week, month or year of our lives. In this interesting episode, Tina takes listeners on a brief tour of the concept of lines of development (see links below for more). She points out that just because someone is intellectually gifted, that doesn't mean they're emotionally mature or socially aware. And vice versa: We don't have to be intellectual giants to be emotionally aware or socially sensitive. Lines of development, along with the related theory of multiple intelligences, encourages us to remember ourselves and others as complex human beings. We're not either mature or immature, intelligent or unintelligent. Rather, we fall along a continuum of progress in each area. For more tips on how to think about an estrangement by your adult child(ren), and what to do to solve the problem, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Ken Wilber Fundamentals: Developmental Lines Explained About Integral Theory Gardner's Theory of Multiple Intelligences

If your adult child is not responding to texts, emails or any attempts at contact, at some point you might begin to worry about the time that's passing during estrangement. This could happen for a couple of reasons… One frightening thought is that the longer adult child(ren) are estranged, the harder it will be to reconnect. That's an understandable fear, but it's not necessarily true. Worse, it often leads to parents trying to force reconnection prematurely (i.e., before they understand why it happened in the first place). The other acute concern regarding time is the loss of opportunities to be together during holidays and other special times. That fear of losing precious time together is the subject of this episode. Tina offers two big ideas to help parents gain a different perspective on the problem. She advises listeners to remember that things are not always as they seem; a perceived loss is not always an actual one. Also, losing time during estrangement can be prevented by spending time consciously. Your relationship with your adult child(ren) may be on hiatus, but your actual life doesn't need to have gaps. For more on coping with an unwanted estrangement from your adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

In this special two-part episode of the podcast, Tina reads a letter she received from an estranged adult child whose estrangement story began with childhood enmeshment. You'll learn about enmeshment's impacts on children, and why those impacts are sometimes invisible to even loving, conscientious parents. Listeners may gain clarity about their own situations through understanding that estrangement is not necessarily a failure of forgiveness. Estranged adult children are not necessarily stuck in the past or holding a grudge. The message of hope is that even though the past can't be changed, the future of your relationship depends on what you do today in order to heal, learn and grow. Tina wants to acknowledge and thank the person whose letter made this informative special episode possible: May you and your mother be happy, peaceful, and joyfully connected. For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can log in and discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Personal Healing: More Than a Detour for Rejected Parents

On this special two-part episode of the podcast, Tina reads a letter she received from an estranged adult child whose estrangement story began with childhood enmeshment. You'll learn about enmeshment's impacts on children, and why those impacts are sometimes invisible to even loving, conscientious parents. Listeners may gain clarity about their own situations through understanding that estrangement is not necessarily a failure of forgiveness. Estranged adult children are not necessarily stuck in the past or holding a grudge. The message of hope is that even though the past can't be changed, the future of your relationship depends on what you do today in order to heal, learn and grow. Tina wants to acknowledge and thank the person whose letter made this informative special episode possible: May you and your mother be happy, peaceful, and joyfully connected. Links about enmeshment:  GoodTherapy article on enmeshment The Enmeshed Family: What It Is and How to “Unmesh” Signs of Parent Enmeshment Checklist by Patricia Love Parentification interview with Steve Berman, LCSW (members only) RC Podcast episodes mentioned: 147: When to Stop Trying to Reconnect 95: The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent  125: The GOOD Parent's Biggest Blind Spot (See also Part 2)  46 You Can't Change the Past (But It Doesn't Matter) Members can log in and discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Check out Tina's book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child

Parents of estranged adult children often carry unhealed emotional wounds from long ago. The pain of those wounds can be reactivated when adult children become estranged, especially if original injuries involved separation, loss, rejection or abandonment.  For those parents, the injury of unwanted estrangement brings back the pain of old trauma (with or without a capital T) that never had the chance to resolve. Now they must at least cope with the fallout, if not resume the healing, of those earlier hurts. In this episode, Tina outlines five differences between the process of healing and the practice of coping. And while both coping and healing are necessary and important, she urges listeners not to mistake good coping skills for the permanent gains of actual healing. If you're aware of deep feelings of emptiness, sadness, or anger, and you sense they were there even before your adult child's estrangement, consider working with a local counselor or therapist. Here are a few directories where you can search for a licensed mental health professional by zip or postal code: https://traumatherapistnetwork.com/ https://www.psychologytoday.com https://www.goodtherapy.org/ Other resources mentioned in this episode: Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them RCP Episodes 125 and 126: The GOOD Parent's Biggest Blind Spot

Many parents exhaust themselves trying in vain to reconnect with their estranged adult child or children. While some keep struggling to come up with new things to try, others succumb to despair and begin to believe the situation is hopeless. In both cases, the question may arise: When is the right time to stop trying? This is one of the saddest questions for unwillingly estranged parents. But whether it arises from despair or sheer exhaustion, the question deserves an answer. In this episode, Tina offers a sensible response to parents who are wondering whether it's time to give up. Even if you're in the unenviable position of being unwilling estranged, and all out of ideas, you'll find the words in this episode to be as uplifting as they are informative. For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child on Amazon Episodes 97 through 99 are right here in your podcast player app (RC members, log in and go to our Road Map page) Reconnection Club resource library (you must be logged in to access)

Breathe through your nose if you can. Make your exhale longer than your inhale. Slow down and deepen your breathing. All of those are simple, accessible ways to calm an upset nervous system. Controlled breathing is one of the oldest and most effective methods to combat stress over time. For parents unwillingly estranged from adult children and grandchildren, breathing can be a lifeline. In this inspiring (pun intended) episode, Tina shares excerpts from her conversation with Nick Heath, founder of the Breath Is Life Learning Center. Reconnection Club members will find the entire interview, along with the transcript, in our online library. Log in and go to Expert Interviews. For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Many parents of estranged adult children know the pain of a broken heart. But for some, Broken Heart Syndrome becomes a medical crisis. Also known as Takotsubo Syndrome or stress cardiomyopathy, Broken Heart Syndrome mimics the experience of a heart attack. But rather than being caused by blocked arteries, it's caused by a stress-induced temporary abnormality that usually resolves itself. Still, Broken Heart Syndrome can lead to life-threatening complications. If you have chest pain or shortness of breath, or suspect you may be having heart problems, seek medical help immediately. This episode doesn't constitute or contain medical advice. Instead, Tina offers specific research-supported tips to help you try to reduce the risk of developing Broken Heart Syndrome and other stress-related health problems, over time. You can't end your adult child's estrangement at will. But you can make personal decisions every day that protect, rather than jeopardize, your health -- even during an unwanted and emotionally stressful estrangement. For concrete ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. RESOURCES: Takotsubo syndrome Experiential avoidance Constructive Wallowing Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker

It may feel wrong to use words like “strategy” and “tactics” when talking about personal relationships. But healing from family estrangement, especially for parents unwillingly estranged from their adult children, often requires strategic thinking. Tina points out that “strategy” is simply a word for having a plan. Tactics are the “how” of any strategy, including a strategy to reconnect with adult children. In this clarifying episode, Tina lays out in broad strokes an overarching strategy that almost all parents can use to end estrangement and successfully reconnect with adult children in a way that favors sustainable, mutual benefit. She also identifies tactics that typically fail, and other common pitfalls -- along with how to avoid them, of course. If your adult child isn't talking to you, this episode will help you prepare to meet this painful challenge strategically, rather than impulsively. For more ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Some parents of estranged adult children may already be familiar with the serenity prayer, popularized by AA and other 12-step groups: "God, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference." Knowing when to take action and when to stand down is helpful in gently moving an unwanted estrangement in the direction of healing. But that knowledge is elusive for most parents. We all have innate wisdom. However, estrangement from one's own adult child(ren) is highly stressful; circumstances like these can affect your ability to access your wisdom, let alone allow it to guide you. In this contemplative episode, Tina lists five different practices to follow, to cultivate your highest wisdom during estrangement from your adult child(ren)… And even find moments of peace. For information on what causes estrangement, and ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. RESOURCES: RC Podcast 92: Lead By Example Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them Therapist directories: Traumatherapistnetwork.com Psychologytoday.com Goodtherapy.org

As soon as they realize their adult child or children are estranged, most parents will try to reestablish a connection as quickly as possible. And while it's only natural to do so, racing to reconnect can lead to wasted time and energy — and sadly, needless extra suffering. In this short but vital episode, Tina explains why the process of genuine reconnection is more like an egg-and-spoon race than an all-out dash to the finish line. Estrangements can and do end spontaneously. But if you want your reconciliation with your adult child to withstand the test of time, then adopting an egg-and-spoon mindset is one way to serve that purpose. For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. RESOURCES: RCP Ep. 95: The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent RCP Ep. 111: “Why do I have to heal first?” RCP Ep. 97-99: Road Map to Reconnection Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child

If your adult child has stepped away from your relationship by deciding to become estranged, then in general, it's not a good idea to make requests of him or her. Instead, it may be best to view this time of estrangement as a request from your child, that you examine your relationship and try to understand their decision. That's often the beginning of reconnection. The "Go for a No" technique descried in this episode is not a substitute for honoring a no-contact request. It should be used sparingly, if at all. Warning: The technique may be interpreted as manipulative, and could make things worse between you. The more you're trying to "get away with" something by using it, the more likely that is. However, in trying their best to respect them, there are times when parents genuinely need to ask where the boundaries are. One example is gifts for grandchildren. If you've always given gifts to your grandchild(ren) for birthdays, and you're now estranged from their parents, what are the rules for gift-giving? Have they changed, or are they the same? It's in circumstances like these that you may use Tina's "Go for a No" technique. Try to use it only when reasonably sure that what you're proposing IS acceptable. The general rule, "When in doubt, leave it out," applies to "Go for a No." Meaning, if using it feels questionable for any reason, avoid it. For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. RESOURCES: What Does a No-Contact Request Sound Like?

The pain of estrangement from an adult child or children is, for many parents, excruciating. Some describe it as the worst they've ever felt. It's overwhelming, and feels unending. But to say that you're in pain is not the full story. It's just a disturbing headline with no further information. To deal with pain, we must know its name. What is your pain? Is it sadness? Grief? Dread? Is it resentment? Anger? Regret? Any and every emotion you might experience during estrangement is normal. In this important 2-part episode (Here's Part 1), Tina talks about the feelings above, as well as others, and what to do with them. Rack up EQ points listening to this miniseries released in honor of American Heart Month. IMPORTANT: Trauma is not an emotion. Trauma is best addressed in the safety of a professional relationship with a qualified trauma therapist. For information on what causes estrangement, and ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. RESOURCES: Episode 95: The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent Episode 35: Why Rejected Parents Act Impulsively (And How Not To) The Biology of Connection Feeling Abandoned/Rejected By an Estranged Adult Child Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them Feeling Powerless in the Face of Estrangement