Podcasts about Family therapy

Oral Sex, Frequency, Desire, and Other Topics Couples Negotiate in Marriage: An Interview with Dr. Michael Sytsma (Episode 300)   *Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes, and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message.*   Deuteronomy 30:19 + 20 “This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live 20and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.”   *Transcription Below*   Dr. Michael Sytsma has been working with couples in a variety of capacities since 1987. He is a licensed professional counselor in the state of Georgia, a Certified Sex Therapist, and a Certified Professional Counseling Supervisor. He is also an ordained minister with The Wesleyan Church and has served as a staff pastor for churches with attendance from 30 to over 1,000. He is currently appointed to Building Intimate Marriages, Inc. by The Wesleyan Church, where he provides marriage and sex therapy and training to other professionals. Michael also cofounded Sexual Wholeness, Inc., a Christian non-profit dedicated to training, equipping, and certifying professionals in human sexuality.    After earning a Bachelor of Science in Christian Ministry from Indiana Wesleyan University, Michael went on to receive a master's degree in community counseling from Georgia State University and a diploma in Christian counseling from Psychological Studies Institute. He subsequently earned a Ph.D. from the University of Georgia in Child and Family Development/Marriage and Family Therapy, where he specialized in marital sexual therapy. His dissertation topic was “Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Married Couples.”    Building Intimate Marriages Secrets of Sex and Marriage   Thank You to Our Sponsor: WinShape Marriage   Questions and Topics We Cover: What habits do you see drawing married couples closer together and also what behaviors or mindsets are pulling them apart? What are the different types of desire discrepancy? Can you share what the Bible says about oral sex and also share research findings?    Previous Savvy Sauce Episodes with Dr Mike: Ten Common Questions About Sex Enjoying a God-honoring, Healthy Sex Life with Your Spouse Remaining Sexually Engaged Through The Years with Dr. Michael Sytsma  Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Marriage Secrets of Sex and Marriage   Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website   Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”   Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”   Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”    Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”    Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”    Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”    John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”   Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”    Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”   Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”   Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession- to the praise of his glory.”   Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”   Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“   Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“   Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”   *Transcription*   Music: (0:00 – 0:09)   Laura Dugger: (0:12 - 1:47) Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.   Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes, and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message.   I'm thrilled to introduce you to our sponsor, WinShape Marriage. Their weekend marriage retreats will strengthen your marriage while you enjoy the gorgeous setting, delicious food, and quality time with your spouse. To find out more, visit them online at winshapemarriage.org/savvy.   Today, I get to bring back our most repeated guest, Dr. Michael Sytsma. Our show notes are going to have links back to all of his previous episodes on The Savvy Sauce, and you're going to find out why he is invited back so frequently. Dr. Sytsma is a Christian sex therapist, an author, a counseling supervisor, and ordained minister. With a pastoral heart, a gift in teaching, and a passion for helping couples grow in marriage, Dr. Sytsma is the perfect guest for today to discuss these sensitive and sacred topics related to sexual intimacy in marriage. Here's our chat.   Welcome back to The Savvy Sauce, Dr. Mike.   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (1:47 - 1:52) Thank you so much. It's such an honor. It's always a joy to be with you and to talk through this.   Laura Dugger: (1:52 - 2:19) Well, I'm always looking forward to these conversations. And I just want to begin with a broad overview where we can discuss both relationship builders and some of the sneaky relationship retractors. So, what habits do you see drawing married couples closer together? And then also, what are the behaviors and mindsets that are pulling them apart?   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (2:21 - 5:57) So, when I sit with couples, obviously the bulk of the couples that I work with are those that are struggling or wanting things to be better. So that may be a bit of a skewed. The couples that come into workshops even are often aware that something's not quite how they want it to be. And so, watching to see what makes a difference, exactly what you're asking. And one of the biggest things I see is just the intentionality of couples that are doing well. I think many times our culture tends to say that if you've picked the right person, if everything is going well, it'll be easy and everything will just flow well. And I find that amusing because it doesn't work in any other area of life. In our finances, we have to be disciplined with them. In parenting, we have to be disciplined with it. In our own health and exercise and what we eat. If we just ate whatever we wanted, I don't think things would be good. If we waited to feel to eat healthy, I don't think we would eat healthy.   And yet couples almost have this idea that you need to desire, you need to feel the urges to do what's healthy in the marriage. And those that wait for it and wait for their spouse to do it, they tend to get irritated and disillusioned and start to see each other negatively and pull apart versus those that sit down and develop a vision. Here's who we want to be as a couple. Here's who I want to be as a husband. Here's who I want to be as a wife. And we begin to lock ourselves into who we're becoming and who we're becoming as a couple and then live intentionally towards that. I see those couples do so much better.   Part of it is, you know, if you say to your husband, here's who I want to be as a wife. And he believes that. He believes that's your heart. Then the day that you get up, and I'm sure this never happens to you, but the day you get up and you're just not in a good mood, you know, the kids kept you awake at night or you didn't eat something that was good for you. You wake up and you're not in a mood. He can extend a ton of grace because he knows you're not satisfied with yourself. He knows that you're not going to like who you are right now and you're not going to tolerate that very long. So, he doesn't have to step in and try to control you, to manipulate you, to make you to be who he wants you to be. He can step back and extend grace knowing that you're probably going to come to him later that day or tomorrow and go, sorry, I wasn't in a good mood yesterday. It was probably tough to live with. And he knows you will reset and the same for him.   If he has a rough day and he doesn't treat you with the cherishing care that you know he wants to be, then you kind of step back and we'll give him a little bit of space. He'll figure it out. And he does. And he resets and he comes back and you make intentional steps towards that vision that you guys have co-created. Those couples tend to do really well. And I see those steps being a little different for different couples because their vision might be slightly different. But the consistent patterns and habits that I see are establishing that vision, locking into it and trusting that you'll do your work and I'm going to do mine. And we're intentional in moving forward with it.   Laura Dugger: (5:58 - 6:20) Okay. So, I'm kind of hearing start with the end in mind, get on the same page with the conversation of what our vision is. And then intentionally, it sounds like pre-deciding before you're waiting for these feelings to come up to even pre-decide practical things of how often do we want to come together? What do we want that to look like? So, am I hearing that right?   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (6:20 - 9:28) Yep, very much so. And obviously there's a lot that's wrapped in it. Couples have to be able to communicate effectively, you know, hear and be heard to be able to sit down and sort through who do I want to be? Because usually a few years into marriage, we're starting to ascribe motivation and desire to our spouse that's not fully accurate. And we begin to define them different than they see themselves to be able to hear that, to be able to figure out who do I want to be? How do I work with the personality that I have? Mike works in idiosyncrasies and who's the best person that I can become? And then to be able to share that with each other.   So many couples don't sit down and really talk through. As you know, sex therapy is my primary research and interest area. And so, working a lot with couples that most of the couples I work with have never shared their vision for what they want their sex life to look like. They might've argued about frequency or certain behaviors, but they've never really shared vision. And most when I challenged them to don't have a clue of themselves really how to articulate what they want. So once that vision has been discussed and talked about, then yes, they can start to sort through, well, how do we get there? And can we give ourselves permission for some time?   I told a couple of you yesterday, guys, this is going to take decades to get to where you want to be. And you get to see his face. I said, this doesn't mean that we wait decades till we get there, but you've created a really beautiful vision and nobody can do that overnight. You're going to have to regularly work at it. And you're right. That intentionality of what are we going to do?   I tell couples my recipe is 15 minutes of connect time every day where you're leaning into each other. How are you doing? Really? What's going on? And then a one hour a week, a business meeting, I call it a working date where we sit down, we do the business of marriage. Just being intentional in how do we do this? Well, at least every other week to do a fun date where we are just going and playing together. We're not trying to work on anything. We're not talking about anything difficult. We're playing together. And then once a year, some kind of a continuing ed for their marriage, whether that be some marriage therapy, a retreat, a workshop, going through a sermon series and talking about it, reading a book together, something that gets them to really focus back on how are we doing and how do we make this better? Those are all intentional things that have to be done on a regular basis. Couples who make those, like you say, early decisions and then work to consistently follow through on them. Not perfectly, but consistently following through.   Laura Dugger: (9:30 - 10:08) I love that because the fruit of it is so enjoyable then to be married to one another if you've got this intentional relationship rather than the other option is for it to really overflow into all areas of life and be difficult. But you're clearly a world-leading Christian sex therapist, so I'm very eager to hear your insight on this as well. What would you say is the current trend for trouble areas with sex and intimacy that you're seeing with your clients or people that you meet through traveling the world to speak?   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (10:11 - 12:58) Obviously, some of the standards that have been a part of human culture, especially my area of interest, is desire discrepancy. Whether that be husbands and wives who desire different frequencies, who desire different practices, who desire a different tone. I want wild and crazy and you want soft and nurturing. The differing desires are a primary area of conflict for couples. Because if you're not doing what I want, my natural instinct is to lean in and start to make you be that way. And humans don't tend to do well with pressure, so it tends to shut things down and then it spins out. So that's always an ongoing one, but that's also being my primary area of research and focus, one that I see a lot just in looking.   But one that the research seems to be showing that is a bit disturbing, and we've got theories behind what's going on, but we're seeing a decrease in sexual frequency amongst couples, a decrease in couples connecting. Whether that be connecting centrally, nurturing kind of touch, you know, the tender hugs and kisses, caresses, the snuggling together at night, or the more intimate sexual encounters where couples are having intercourse or they're engaging for sexual pleasure, we're seeing a drop in those. We saw it drop. COVID was not friendly to many aspects of marriage, and we saw a lot of it drop towards the end of that. And in many respects, it hasn't recovered, according to some of the research. So that would be an area of concern, because if couples are not connecting, many times they're acting out on their own, because it's easy, I don't have to negotiate you, there's plenty of options and ways to go about doing that. And the experiences, the chemicals that are released when we connect with each other, the associating you with pleasure, all of those things decrease, and they're critical in marriage. So that would be an area that we're kind of keeping an eye on. Is that going to bounce back? What is really going on? Is it a temporary thing, or is it just a glitch in the numbers? And it doesn't seem to be, seems to be what's happening.   Laura Dugger: (13:00 - 13:19) Wow, that is kind of alarming. And since COVID, that is so interesting. You said you have a few theories, and I know you're very scientifically based, so it's too early to report the research findings. But what are your opinions or thoughts on the reasons for that?   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (13:21 - 18:05) I think in working with couples, there's a couple of things that I see play out. One is we are in an age of information overload and anxiety overload. We hear so much that is disturbing, and we don't feel like we have any agency in creating change for it. So, the internal stress level just goes up, you know, wars and economy, and things that we dislike that we're out of control with. And we see a general level of stress and anxiety go up for us right now. You know, there's some insecurity in terms of what is the economy really going to do. And all of that, I believe, has an impact on our sexual behavior.   I think, in part, we're wired for that. We think through human history. However long you happen to believe humans have been around, it's a while. For most of that time, we couldn't manage our fertility. So, if a couple engaged in sex, she was going to get pregnant. Well, if I don't have the emotional energy, the bandwidth, the resources to produce a child and to raise them, it makes sense to me that we are wired to not have desire to engage sexually with somebody. We see that especially for women. If stress level goes up, they're not interested. And I think that makes sense. I think it's a wiring in. Why would you want to reproduce if you're living in a stress-filled environment? We need to raise these kids up enough that I have the bandwidth to do another one or we need to have the food resources or whatever is needed. And our brains don't always think through the details of my refrigerator's full. We're fine. It just experiences the stress of what we're in.   Guys are the same way. You tend to have to push guys to a much higher level of stress before it affects their sexual desire. But I watch it almost every day in my office. Guys come in that have lost interest in sex. I look at their lives. I'm like, you're stressed to the max. You're working 60, 70 hours a week. You're not sleeping. You're eating like crap. You're not exercising. Of course you don't have interest. So, living in a culture that has that high level of anxiety and out of control, I think is part of what's going on there. We don't give time to just sit back and relax and realize that we are a blessed people living in a blessed time. We have a lot of resources. We could do this.   I think the other side of it is the impact of, we'll just call it social media, the impact of all of the information we're able to get. And it's curated information. And we only put online the things that we're proud of. So, we put online all of these great images. We look at everybody else's life. And sometimes in the research, we'll talk about monitoring the alternatives. I'm looking at my spouse and I'm looking at them and I'm going, wait, I like what they're doing better than what you're doing. And it creates an overall dissatisfaction that we start to try to make our spouse to be different. And they don't respond well to that. They get defensive and they push back on trying to make us different. And now we've got a power struggle going on and sex doesn't do well in those kinds of settings. Sex doesn't respond well to pressure. Hearts don't respond well to pressure. So, we start to pull away. Then we experience pleasure with you less. And I experience pain and frustration with you more. And when I look over here, it increases that because they're saying this is what it's like for them. That's not what it's like for me. I want that. And I don't know that I can have that with you. So, I want to have sex with you. And it's easier to negotiate pornography. It's easier to negotiate my fantasy stories. It's easier to negotiate something individually than it is to try to negotiate you. And so, the opportunity to experience profound pleasure with our spouse goes down and the frustration goes up and the cycle just continues to spin up. So those would be, they're interrelated, but a couple of ideas that I would have at this point.   Laura Dugger: (18:06 - 20:42) And now a brief message from our sponsor. Friends, I'm excited to share with you today's sponsor, WinShape Marriage. Do you feel like you need a weekend away with your spouse and a chance to grow in your relationship together at the same time? WinShape Marriage is a fantastic ministry that provides weekend marriage retreats to help couples grow closer together in every season and stage of life. From premarital to parenting to the empty nest phase, there is an opportunity for you. WinShape Marriage is grounded on the belief that the strongest marriages are the ones that are nurtured, even when it seems things are going smoothly, so that they're stronger if they do hit a bump along their marital journey.   These weekend retreats are hosted within the beautiful refuge of WinShape Retreat, perched in the mountains of Rome, Georgia, which is a short drive from Atlanta, Birmingham, and Chattanooga. While you're there, you will be well-fed, well-nurtured, and well-cared for. During your time away in this beautiful place, you and your spouse will learn from expert speakers and explore topics related to intimacy, overcoming challenges, improving communication, and more. I've stayed on site at WinShape before, and I can attest to their generosity, food, and content. You will be so grateful you went.   To find an experience that's right for you and your spouse, head to their website, winshapemarriage.org/savvy. That's W-I-N-S-H-A-P-E marriage.org slash savvy, S-A-V-V-Y. Thanks for your sponsorship.   That's so insightful. I have a lot of follow-up questions, so I'll try to organize them because I'm thinking of three categories. First, about just pleasing yourself and not working with your spouse and negotiating. Then also desire discrepancy going further into that and social media. Let's start with the first one. When you see the numbers go down of how often couples engage sexually in marriage, you're seeing those numbers go down. Would you say that automatically means that they are just seeking this out themselves with pornography or doing things in secrecy? Would you like to clarify that?   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (20:42 - 23:50) Not necessarily. It is worth asking the question, but I think one of the myths our society has, especially in the church and culture, is that sex is a need. If you're not fulfilling it with me because it's a need, you're getting it someplace. For some people, sex is a strong drive. It's a strong urge. I think it's designed in us that way to draw us to our spouse, to draw us to connecting, but it is not a need. Nobody dies from lack of it. I could line up a whole string of clients that practice sexual fidelity, sexual integrity, and they're not at a place that they can express their sexuality in a way that they believe is honoring, so they don't. Nobody dies. Nobody does poorly, even. Many times, they thrive. The belief that if you're not getting it with me, you're getting it someplace, that may be true, but that's not a foregone assumption.   For some, though, it is. It is something that I want, something that I desire. It meets a lot of my desires. I think sex meets a lot of our needs, a need of acceptance. I do believe that's a need. I think we have a need to be desired, to be pursued. I think those are God-reflective needs in us. God desires those things. I think it's fair to say that those are needs, and we often get those needs met through sex. Even in an altered, hollow way, masturbatory sex can give something towards those needs. It's worth asking, as somebody pursuing that individually. A couple last week, they sat down for the first time and started to talk about that with each other. What do you do? We're only engaging this frequency. What do you do outside of that? They were both surprised at what each other does, and able to step back and say, I'm challenging them to do vision work. What do we want? For one of them, they said, “I don't want this part of my life. I want it to be only you, but that doesn't always work well. What do we need to do so it can be?” The other is not so sure that they want to give up some of what they're enjoying in their individual time. How do we wrap that in? It's interesting to watch them work through the vision and try to figure out who do they want to be as couples. But to go back to your question, no, it's not a foregone that they're going to be acting out. But it's worth asking, and worth asking, is that what you want? Or are you taking that as a second best because you don't see an opportunity to pursue what's really good? If that's true, can we maybe figure out how for both of us to get what we truly desire?   Laura Dugger: (23:51 - 24:19) That's so wise. Then to elaborate also on desire discrepancy, you've shared this is your primary research area. Can you expand a little bit on, I won't hit all of these, but you had talked about it being a desire discrepancy with frequency, with the type of activity, and I feel like there was one other topic. In practices. Can you share more about each of those?   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (24:20 - 27:48) Yeah, the primary conflict that comes into my office is often illustrated by frequency. Generally, in most couples, the husband, the male, has a desire for a higher frequency. The female has, her frequency desire tends to be lower. In Secrets of Sex and Marriage, we have all the numbers that play that out. What's interesting is when we test them, they're not as far apart as they believe they are. Actually, in our survey, 22% of couples were wanting the exact same amount. Only 14% or 15% believe that they wanted the same amount, which is a pretty significant difference. Couples are closer together than they think they are. And most of those couples, even when they were different, were only one mark different. She said that she would like to have sex one to two times a week, and he said he would like to have sex two to three times a week. That's one mark different. Most couples were not that different, even when there was one.   Usually what is being expressed there is, I don't know that you desire me as much as I desire you. I desire you in a way that's physically connecting, and you don't seem to. What does that mean about me? What does that mean about am I a desirable person? Would you prefer to have somebody else other than me? Often, underneath that is the fears of, do you choose me? Do you want me? Do you like playing with me? I want a playmate. I want somebody who we can just relax and be together. I want somebody who holds me and nurtures and comforts me, and you don't seem to want to do that. What does that mean about me? The fight about the frequency, but really what's underneath it is a lot of fears.   That comes into the types as well. I want sex that is wild and crazy and spontaneous. I want to be able to walk into the room and you lose your mind. That never happens anymore. I want sex that follows us having long talks where you've cared for my heart and you've nurtured me. We've gone slow and you've really just cherished me. You just want something wild and crazy and to lose your mind. How do we bring those two together? Or practices. I enjoy bringing toys in and playing. You don't like that. You like the one kind that helps you to feel connected. I want to play more. The research on oral sex that we just finished comes into that and how they desire differently around even those practices. So, all of that comes into the office. I'm sure you're hearing at one level it is we're arguing about what I want versus you want. At another level, it's what does that mean? What does it mean to my heart and how do I interpret that you don't want to do this? That comes into play pretty heavily and it's worth couples trying to unpack and figure it out.   Laura Dugger: (27:48 - 28:01) And would you say that to unpack and figure it out is that most beneficial at a neutral time or what kind of conversation starters would be helpful for them?   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (28:04 - 29:54) Not to advertise, but Secrets of Sex and Marriage was designed, we wrote it, and my heart desire in it was to have a book that couples could sit down and read out loud to each that would start these conversations. So, if they read through a session or a section that talks about one type of sexual behavior to pause and go, I think this author is stupid. Nobody wants that. And to start the conversation about what do each of them like and what do they want as a couple. I think it often takes something outside of them to help get the conversation started. And we always tell couples don't have these conversations around sex. Don't have it in the bed. Have it at the coffee table the next day. Have it in structured working dates. Have it in times that we're going to talk about this. So, we're doing our best to be our best while we're talking about it. Keep those conversations time limited or you run out of energy. Step at it, work on it a bit, then step back, get a break, rethink. So, all of the stuff that we know how to do with difficult conversations in business, we bring those skills in because heart issues are involved and we're not always aware of the heart issues. If I start to get defensive, we need to step away from it because curiosity is the only thing that's going to work here. So yes, structuring it. Most couples struggle to do that on their own. They struggle to do that on finances and parenting, how to manage your mom, let alone something as intimate as sex. So many times they will need a coach or a therapist or somebody just to hold the space for them so they can have that conversation.   Laura Dugger: (29:55 - 30:08) That's brilliant advice. And I like that kind of step care mentality of getting the book and trying that first. It still is a neutral third party and I think that's a great place to begin.   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (30:09 - 30:26) I love when couples come in and say, well, we read this section and he said, well, that's just stupid. And I look at him like, what do you mean that's stupid? I think that way. And as long as they can stay curious and not critical, those conversations go really well.   Laura Dugger: (30:28 - 30:48) That's good. Staying curious. Okay. So, then you also mentioned social media. So can you speak more to this demand that people are having to, I guess the way that you've worded it in the past is the demand for fantasy that people see in social media and pornography.   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (30:50 - 34:18) Maybe a stupid example. My wife and I are looking at redoing our master bathroom closet. It's been a lot of years. The first person we had come in and take a look at it went, yeah, this has been here a while. Okay. So yeah, maybe it needs to be redone. And so, what do you do? You start jumping online and looking, well, what are people doing today? What do bathrooms look like? And you start looking at them going, wow, I want that. Well, I can't fit that space into my space. So, do I need different space? And all of a sudden, all of these desires that I have and what I fantasize about living in, what if it's not even possible where I'm at? What do I do with the tension in it? Can I look at what I've got and really appreciate it and work on making it maybe better, but not need to swap it out for something else or not stay in a state of discontent with what I got, even after it's been upgraded and redone.   A stupid little example, I think of what goes on in relationship as we watch a couple and their gorgeous pictures of their vacation or their family pictures of, it looks like this big family with all the grands and they're having so much fun together. And every time my kids get together, we have knockdown drag outs, or two of my kids won't even show up, or the grands act out every time that they're around. And my family isn't the ideal family. My spouse isn't the ideal spouse. Here's a picture of him with his arms wrapped around looking so nurturing. And I don't know that my husband ever does that to me. He's always irritated with me. And we go to, I desire to be pursued. I desire to be chosen. I desire to be nurtured. And I see that in all of these images out there, and I'm not experiencing it. And I increase the fantasy of what I could have, what I desire to have. And I look at you and I think, it's not even possible to have that with you. You're not that kind of person. I'm not sure I picked right. And we're creating something that is really destructive in the process.   When we go back a few hundred years ago, and your spouse was chosen for you, or your spouse was one of only a handful of people that were even options. I got the best of those. This is pretty good. And we're working to make it good. And no, it's not perfect. Nobody expected it to be perfect. I love the song in Fiddler on the Roof, Do You Love Me? My father told us that I'd be lucky if in time, we would fall in love with each other, because they didn't marry for love. And then realizing that over the years, they had developed a rich kind of love. That's a very different experience than we have today, where we want the fantasy right up front. And we never want to step out of the fantasy, because it looks like it's all around us. And I don't know that's necessarily good for us, because the real takes work. I don't want to work. I want you to be who I want you to be without me working.   Laura Dugger: (34:20 - 34:39) That's so interesting. And that, I guess, pairing social media and phones, which are relatively recent changes, and then COVID, and there's so much curiosity around why have things changed so much sexually for married couples since COVID? But all of these consequent...   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (34:39 - 35:33) We think in part, it was pushing couples together, because we saw a spike in activity when we first shut things down. I'm blocking on the word that we use for it. But when we first shut things down and lock people up together, we saw an initial spike, and then we saw a drop. And it's that sense of, okay, now you're wearing on me, and I don't know that I want to do this with you. I think some of it was pushing people into the online world. I talk about social media, but it covers all of that online consuming that we do, and the dissatisfaction growing in. So, when you push people together, there's plenty of that talk about that. It doesn't always do real well, unless they're intentional and work at it.   Laura Dugger: (35:34 - 37:26) Okay, that is interesting. As you say, social media, maybe putting it even with phones, even just the amount of time that people you're giving so much attention to your screen, rather than one another. And it does seem like that was from COVID.   By now, I hope you've checked out our updated website, thesavvysauce.com, so that you can have access to all the additional freebies we are offering, including all of our previous articles, and all of our previous episodes, which now include transcriptions. You will be equipped to have your own practical chats for intentional living. When you read all the recommended questions in the articles, or gain insight from expert guests and past episodes as you read through the transcriptions, because many people have shared with us that they want to take notes on previous episodes, or maybe their spouse prefers to read our conversations rather than listen to them or watch them now that we're offering video rather than just audio. So, we heard all of that. And we now have provided transcripts for all our episodes. Just visit thesavvysauce.com. All of this is conveniently located under the tab show notes on our website. Happy reading.   So, this is kind of a big question, but whether it's thinking of wisdom for married couples, or even the way that they train their children so that they can avoid some of these pitfalls later on when they're adults. So, I'm thinking of the engagement and connection in real life face-to-face versus screens. Do you have any other wisdom that may actually impact them sexually someday?   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (37:27 - 40:25) There are some foods that we don't eat because they're poisonous to us. There are some things we don't take into our brains because they're toxic to us. Yeah, we do. We learn to stay totally away from those. But yeah, I was thinking more the experiences that I have of even a spouse saying, “you can't have access to anything because I'm so angry at you.” I don't know if that's helpful.   Laura Dugger: (40:26 - 40:56) I see what you're saying. Appreciate the heart behind that, not controlling them and also taking the responsibility of self-discipline. So, there's another topic that many married couples may want to know more about, but they don't know where a safe place is to go and ask. So, this is the topic of oral sex. And so, Dr. Mike, can you share first what the Bible has to say about oral sex, but also share with us some of the research findings?   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (40:57 - 52:46) Okay. So, we've got three more hours, right? So, if we tried to collapse it down a little bit, this comes a bit out of just working with it for so many years. We do the couples' workshops. We always do an Ask Dr. Mike. And so, through the entire workshop, today's technology, we used to use three by five cards, but today's technology, they can anonymously send a message in to me. And we take an hour of workshop and just go through those and answer them. And I am always going to get several on the subject. So, it's just been something that we know couples want to know about. Because it is a desire discrepancy, it is of interest to me. And so, we rolled questions about it into our last survey, the Marital Intimacy Project, where we surveyed 501 married couples, and a nationally representative sample. So, these weren't Christian couples, they weren't non-Christian couples, they weren't. The sample represents the 2018 U.S. Census data for the United States. So, in racial mix, racial ethnic mix, and religious mix and age, where they're at in the country. So, this is what these married couples are telling us about. So that's the background that some of this embeds in.   And your first question is, what does scripture say about it? Well, that depends on who you ask. You know, if we go back through most of church history, the purpose for sex was procreation. And anything that wasn't procreative act was considered outside of the boundary of God, because sex was about procreation. And many even teaching that once you got to the age that you weren't trying to have kids any longer, you should stop having sex, because the purpose for sex is procreation. And if you're doing it for pleasure, you're risking sin. If you're doing it for connection, you're risking sin. Well, if sex is about procreation, first, foremost, and sometimes only, oral sex is not acceptable, because it's not a potentially procreative act. That's the language that's often used in some of the church history teaching, that it needs to have the potential for procreation. And if it doesn't, then it's sin, it's outside of God's boundary. So, for hundreds of years, we have teaching that says that oral sex is totally unacceptable because it's not procreative.   If you take a perspective that sex is about connection, or sex is about play, sex is about intimacy, and sex is about pleasure, then all of that is re-evaluated. So, we have those theologians that look at Song of Solomon, where he talks about tasting of her garden. Nobody questions what her garden is in the story, the imagery that's used there. But there are those, or the flip side of that, she talks about drinking of his spring. And many theologians would look at that and say, no, no, no, that's not about oral sex. God would never talk about oral sex because that's unacceptable. It's not a procreative act. He is using imagery there to talk about the intensity of the love and the desire. This is strictly a spiritual story. And then others come in and say, yeah, no, I think it's about the physical. God would talk about that because couples do this, and it's playful, and it's fun, and it's good, and it allows them to connect. And the pleasure is not a bad thing. And when he's talking of tasting of her garden, when she's talking of drinking of his spring, they're talking about oral sex and scripture. And God talks about drink deeply, enjoy. And so, the other side of the argument says, for couples that enjoy this, there's nothing wrong in it.   Now, I think we can make a larger argument. Scripture talks about consent. Scripture talks about honoring one another. Scripture talks about desiring for one another. So anytime we step in and we start using demands, that is not scriptural. You know, Christ was profoundly invitational. He was profoundly inviting in who he was. The language I use for it sometimes shocks people. I say Christ was profoundly seductive. He had the ability to woo, to draw, that he can step up to somebody whose generational career is fishing. This is what their family is about. And he walks up and he says, “Hey, come follow me.” And they drop their nets and leave. I mean, who has the ability to do that? And it wasn't a command, you need to do this, or you're going to burn in hell. No, it was a wooing invitation. He had profound ways to look at somebody and point out their sin. Yeah, I know you've been married to what was it, four men already, and the one that you're living with is not, you're not married to him. He calls out her sin in such a way that she leans into the story. You know, how seductive, how invitational. I want to be a fly on the wall of that well, to experience what it was like to listen to him talk. And how did he draw people so well? That's who we want to be in marriage. We want to be the seductive, the person who draws, not the person who commands. So, if we take any of these principles and we start to demand of our spouse, I think that's not scriptural. So, when you ask, what does scripture say? I think it talks about honoring one another, nurturing one another, inviting, if that's something that's pleasing to you.   So, the question was, well, what do couples do? What do they want? And so, we asked all of these couples to, how often do you perform on your spouse? And what would you like? Do you enjoy it? Do you enjoy performing on your spouse? Do you enjoy having it performed on you? And it was really fascinating. You know, there's a lot of numbers that come into it. But the first thing that we learned is this tends to be couple scoring. If one does, the other one likely does. If we move into desire, that's more individual scoring. But if we move into practice, it tends to be couples. So, the couples where both of them said we never do, couples where both of them said we often do or occasionally do, and couples who said we regularly do or always do, those were clubs. The ones where he said, well, I always do. And she says, “I never do.” Those were rare, which was interesting. And then when we had it broken down into a lot of categories, but when we clumped them all together into the never, rarely, occasionally, sometimes, and often, always, we get almost third, third, and third. And so, couples have said in my office, but everybody does it. Actually, no, they don't. The largest group when we had it all broken down were couples that never do. That was the largest group. And the couples that always do was half of the never do. But if we get the larger categories, it's almost a third, third, and third, which says to me, it's perfectly okay, whatever the couple decides. Let's let them decide their comfort, what they enjoy with it, what it means to them. And that's more important than the behavior of it.   Then when we do get into, and I'm looking over here at my numbers, so I get them kind of right. We did not see a huge difference in age. I expected there to be a difference in practice with age. We didn't see a huge difference. And there was no difference in marital satisfaction or in sexual satisfaction between the couples that did and didn't. The only times we saw a difference was when they were what we would call asymmetrical. And those few couples where she said, “I always do”, and he says, “I never do.” Or the other way around. We got asymmetrical, we saw a decrease in marital and sexual satisfaction. But there was no difference in the couples that say we never do and the couples that say we always do. So, it didn't have an impact on sexual satisfaction. It had a bit of an impact on her orgasmic frequency, which that kind of makes sense. But the biggest difference was in desires and how, whether you like to or not.   So, we asked husbands, do you like to have it performed on you? And we asked wives, does he like when you perform on him? And wives have us figured out. The answer is almost identical to us. When we asked husbands, “does your wife enjoy doing this?” And we asked wives, “do you enjoy performing on him?” Husbands really overestimate how much she enjoys this, which was fascinating. Not a surprise, but fascinating. And there was a big difference between what the husband enjoys and performing on him and what the wife enjoys and performing on him. That was a massive difference. And then in the middle of that is performing on her. And they weren't near as far apart there. But once again, husbands overestimated her enjoyment. Wives underestimated his enjoyment, which was interesting. But there wasn't a huge difference. So, if we take the wife enjoying performing on him, husbands enjoying being performed on, those are quite a bit different. And right in the middle was wives saying that they enjoy it and husbands saying they enjoy performing on her. So that was interesting in looking at what they do and don't like.   Now, I haven't broken it down into some of the categories of couples. Yeah, I did look at it in terms of desire types. And there was some big differences there, which we would expect that an initiating type of a desire is going to want more versus a receptive or resistant, a little less. But I haven't broken down some of it even more detailed. Those initial numbers have been fascinating to see. And I think the takeaway is what we started with. What's your vision? What do you want and why? What does it mean to you? Let's decide what you want in your marriage. And then let's take steps to make it healthy and to be good and to move toward it. And it doesn't have to be tomorrow. We can slowly grow to that.   Laura Dugger: (52:47 - 53:09) That is so interesting. And I'm sure that's so helpful when a majority of people are submitting those kind of questions. Now you have some normative responses. And you also mentioned something in there about the different types of initiation or desire, and one is resistant. So, can you go into all three of those and define that?   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (53:10 - 58:20) Yeah. We have the cultural message that desire is being harmed. And it is. That we feel we wake up and I'm interested in sex or you walk by and I'm interested in sex. I want to have sex. We think of it as spontaneous. It's not actually spontaneous, but we think of it as spontaneous. That's an initiating type of desire where we're aware of the desire before arousal. We pursue the sex for arousal is the experience of it. The second, and for that I've shifted to in the book, we talk about a car and being driving neutral and parking, but I've shifted to talking about in terms of boats, you know, that initiating desire is a speedboat, sometimes a really big engine, sometimes not so big of an engine, but it's powered, it's moving forward. Receptive desire requires arousal before the desire shows up. So, it takes an intentional step to move forward. Yeah, we can do that. And I'm enjoying doing this. Oh, my body's enjoying this too. This is good. And then the desire clicks on. So, desire sometimes may not show up till five to 10 minutes into the sex act. Now I want this, please don't stop, you know, please do it this way. Now the desire is there. That's the receptive desire. And I talk about that as kind of like a sailboat. You know, it's not powered by an engine. It needs an external force to kind of get it moving forward. But I also have to have the sails up. And what does it take for me to have the sails up on my sailboat? And what seduces me, what draws me, what helps me to move towards that desire?   And then resistant is the motor's pulled up out of the water, the sails are tied down, and there's two anchors that are, you know, doesn't matter what you do, I'm not moving. I'm not going to allow anything to move me. Or those anchors are there for a good reason, because of trauma, because of wounds, maybe that you have done. Maybe the relationship is not safe. If I get naked, I'm going to be criticized. I don't care to get naked, whether that be emotionally or physically. So, most of the time when I'm working with somebody who's resistant, the resistance is there for a good reason. And we have to figure out what's going on and how do we get rid of the anchors? Or how do we get this engine started again? And it may be physical, it may be emotional, may be relational, may be spiritual. But the resistance is going to be something has got us locked down in our sexuality, or locked down towards you. I'm still interested in sex, just not with you. And so, we have to kind of unpack that.   I do think that generally requires a third party, a therapist who's skilled in this who can work with it. My concern is even most therapists are defining receptive desires, low desire. And so, if somebody comes in and says, well, I have low desire, and they even if they realize they have receptive desire, all of the interventions are designed to increase initiating desire, rather than help somebody to nurture their type of desire, to nurture the receptive type of desire, or to figure out there's a reason you're resistant. Can we step back and create the space for you to drop the guards to figure out why you're resistant? Because he may be resistant and not even know why. He just, I'm not going to go there. And we have to create the space for him to even sit in it and start to figure it out. Or she may be, same thing for her, she may be resistant, and she might have an idea why, but we haven't unpacked it enough to really figure out what's going on. She just feels like she's broken and is being criticized by her husband. So, to step back and figure out which of those three is really going on, and how do we work with it?   So those types, within those, there are different levels, you know, we'll have an initiating desire that has a really big engine. They want sex all the time. Or an initiating desire that has a smaller engine. They don't want it all that often, but when they do, they're going to pursue it. A receptive desire that has really big sales doesn't take an awful lot to get them moving forward, but it doesn't come from within. And those that, you know, it takes a lot of work to get this thing moving forward. Is there a way we can increase the sales a little bit, so it doesn't take quite so much work internally and to the spouse? So, we're looking at types, we're looking at levels. It gets really complex, which is part of the fun of it, but part of what makes it tough for couples, and they default to the, you're broken, you don't want me, you don't like me. They default to simple answers that don't work. Mm.   Laura Dugger: (58:21 - 58:37) Okay. So, it sounds like you're saying the goal isn't to get everybody to have the engine, which is maybe where some therapists could direct them in the wrong way, but to grow in the freedom and releasing and get closer to the vision.   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (58:38 - 59:38) I was teaching this to some therapists and one of them came up on break and she says, “okay, I hear all of this, but you've got to be honest that truly the healthy person, when they've done good work, is going to have initiating desire.” If you walk into the therapy office with that, the receptive desire person, you're always internally thinking you're broken, you're immature, you're something, you're not okay. That's wrong. No receptive desire is a legitimate type. We're not trying to get the receptive person to be initiating. That's probably, I suspect that's not how they're wired. So, asking them to be that different, and they'll say, but there was a time that they were, well, yes, but that was a unique season of life where biology was very different. Now they're kind of, they're normative, so.   Laura Dugger: (59:39 - 1:01:06) That's so great. And that's what I always appreciate. Dr. Mike, you always offer hope for everyone, even the one who's locked down with the anchors. It's a, how can we start to lift those anchors? There's hope that there is change and restoration possible. And I've just loved this conversation. Deuteronomy 30 keeps coming to mind. There are two verses because I feel like you've laid out wisdom for intentionality or the negatives and hazardous results that can come from overindulging, prioritizing, connecting with our phone rather than our spouse. And so, I just want to read these two verses from Deuteronomy 30, it's verses 19 and 20. It says, "This day, I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord, your God, listen to his voice and hold fast to him for the Lord is your life. And he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob." So, it's just been such a delight to have this conversation. And I know we could talk all day, but you still have a full day of work to also get back to. So where can we go after this chat to learn more from you?   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (1:01:07 - 1:01:38) My primary website is intimatemarriage.org. And there are links through that to even get to like my link page that has some of the professional articles. We're putting together some little teaching videos that grab some of this. All of that can be located through intimatemarriage.org. And of course, secretsofsexandmarriage.com is the book website too. There are a lot of resources there.   Laura Dugger: (1:01:39 - 1:01:59) I highly recommend both of those. So, we'll add the links in the show notes for today's episode. And you're familiar as our most repeated guest that we are called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge. And so, my final question for you today, Dr. Mike, what is your savvy sauce?   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (1:01:59 - 1:02:37) I think it would flow from what you were just reading there in Deuteronomy. What does it take to choose life versus choose death? I can choose death by being passive, by waiting for something to happen. If I'm going to choose life, I'm working on it. So, it goes to what we started with, a vision-based intentionality. Is the savvy sauce, who do I want to be? Who do we want to be? And how do I be intentional and consistently and regularly moving toward that? Not perfect in it, but I know what I'm striving toward and I'm being intentional and taking steps that direction.   Laura Dugger: (1:02:38 - 1:03:07) So good. And Dr. Mike, just thank you for being a safe place where we can go for these sensitive and sacred topics. I think it's going to be fascinating someday in heaven to hear all of the people saying, “oh yeah, he helped us with our marriage too. And he helped us.” So we've been so enriched because of your work. So, thank you for your investment in your work that impacts people for eternity. And thank you for being my guest.   Dr. Michael Sytsma: (1:03:08 - 1:03:09) Well, thanks for having me back.   Laura Dugger: (1:03:10 - 1:06:52) One more thing before you go, have you heard the term gospel before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you, but it starts with the bad news.   Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves. This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death, and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved.   We need a savior, but God loved us so much. He made a way for his only son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with him.   That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life. We could never live and died in our place for our sin.   This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished. If we choose to receive what he has done for us, Romans 10:9 says, “that if you confess with your mouth, Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”   So, you pray with me now. Heavenly father, thank you for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to you.   Will you clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare you as Lord of their life? We trust you to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus name we pray.   Amen. If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring him for me. So, me for him, you get the opportunity to live your life for him.   And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So, you're ready to get started.   First, tell someone, say it out loud, get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes and Noble and let me choose my own Bible. I selected the Quest NIV Bible and I love it.   You can start by reading the book of John. Also get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.   We want to celebrate with you too. So, feel free to leave a comment for us here. If you did make a decision to follow Christ, we also have show notes included where you can read scripture that describes this process.   And finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, “in the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.   And if you've already received this good news, I pray you have someone to share it with. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.

H is for Habits & Rhythms. Healthy spirituality involves spiritual habits or practices. It also involves regular rhythms–of rest, celebration, work, connection. Dr. Richie Davidson, a Buddhist and leading mindfulness researcher offers meditations as well as scientific insight into how we can train our minds for spiritual practices. This re-aired episode is part of our Best of With & For series. With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. Help us grow by taking our survey. About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

FPC Knoxville's 9/6/26 Sunday Sermon - “Family Therapy”  - Rev. Mark Curtis (Romans 13:8-10/Matthew 18:15-22)Hymn of Response - "Draw Us in the Spirit's Tether" performed by Scott Scheetz and our adult choir.Prayers of the People and The Lord's Prayer by Rev. Dr. Meredith Loftis 

Kann man seinen Bindungsstil verändern oder bleibt eine ängstliche Bindung ein Leben lang bestehen? Diese Frage beschäftigt viele Menschen, die unter Verlustangst leiden, in Beziehungen schnell verunsichert sind oder nach einem Vertrauensbruch selbst dann noch Alarm spüren, wenn der Partner längst wieder verlässlich ist. Die Bindungsforschung zeigt ein differenziertes und zugleich hoffnungsvolles Bild: Bindungsmuster sind erstaunlich stabil, aber sie sind kein unveränderliches Schicksal. Neue Beziehungserfahrungen, Psychotherapie und ein stabileres Selbstbild können dazu beitragen, dass ängstliche Bindung abnimmt und mehr innere Sicherheit entsteht. Workshop Verlustangst verändern 20min VideoPodcastfolge Bindungsstile ÜbersichtStudienArriaga, X. B., Kumashiro, M., Simpson, J. A., & Overall, N. C. (2018). Revising working models across time: Relationship situations that enhance attachment security. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 22(1), 71–96.Davila, J., & Sargent, E. (2003). The meaning of life (events) predicts changes in attachment security. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29(11), 1383–1395.Fraley, R. C. (2002). Attachment stability from infancy to adulthood: Meta-analysis and dynamic modeling of developmental mechanisms. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 6(2), 123–151.Fraley, R. C., Gillath, O., & Deboeck, P. R. (2021). Do life events lead to enduring changes in adult attachment styles? A naturalistic longitudinal investigation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 120(6), 1567–1606.Hudson, N. W., Chopik, W. J., & Briley, D. A. (2020). Volitional change in adult attachment: Can people who want to become less anxious and avoidant move in that direction? European Journal of Personality, 34(1), 93–114.Johnson, S. M., Makinen, J. A., & Millikin, J. W. (2001). Attachment injuries in couple relationships: A new perspective on impasses in couples therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 27(2), 145–155.Taylor, P., Rietzschel, J., Danquah, A., & Berry, K. (2015). Changes in attachment representations during psychological therapy. Psychotherapy Research, 25(2), 222–238.

T is for Transcendence. The research shows that an understanding of a loving or benevolent source - something bigger than we are – gives us meaning and offers us greater purpose. Dr. Lisa Miller is one of the leading researchers on spirituality and mental health–and shares her insight into how transcendence impacts us as human beings. This re-aired episode is part of our Best of With & For series. With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. Help us grow by taking our survey. About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

What happens when the systems designed to help us start shaping, limiting or even defining the problems we are trying to solve?In this episode of The Systemic Way, we are joined by Mark Phillips, a highly experienced systemic psychotherapist, mental health nurse and strategic leader who has worked across NHS, local authority and youth justice services for more than two decades. Mark is currently Strategic Health Lead for Youth Justice Services and Head of Family Therapy at Coventry and Warwickshire NHS Trust, and also works as a consultant systemic psychotherapist and supervisor. He qualified as a systemic psychotherapist at the Tavistock and Portman NHS Trust in 2005. Together, we explore neoliberalism and its impact on systemic practice, mental health and public services. We talk about the growing emphasis on individual responsibility, productivity, measurement and outcomes, and what can be lost when complex relational and social difficulties are reduced to individual problems.Mark shares reflections from his work in youth justice, CAMHS and local authority services, including the tensions between behavioural interventions and more contextual, relational approaches. We explore power, privilege, oppression, organisational culture, payment-by-results, professional identity and the politics of therapy.We also consider what it means for systemic practitioners to become agents of resistance and change: finding allies, learning to speak the language of organisations, challenging taken-for-granted assumptions and creating spaces for alternative ways of working.Ultimately, this is a conversation about how we understand the systems we work within—and what possibilities emerge when we become willing to question them.Chapters:00:00 – Neoliberalism, Mental Health & Resistance Within The Systems We Live In03:32 – Meet Mark Phillips05:52 – An Accidental Journey into Systemic Psychotherapy08:02 – Privilege, Marginalisation & Identity20:31 – When Therapy Becomes Part of an Oppressive System23:42 – Positivism, Relativism & Understanding People in Context28:18 – What Is Neoliberalism?34:57 – The Paradox of Payment by Results36:35 – From Behavioural to Relational Practice40:48 – Systemic Practice as Activism42:00 – “Be With Us”: Co-Construction & Collaboration43:51 – Learning to Speak the Language of the System48:18 – Finding Allies Within the System50:12 – Individual Responsibility & Systemic Inequality51:54 – Neoliberalism & the Productivity Machine58:19 – Systemic Practice as Resistance1:00:49 – Taking Risks & Speaking Truth to Power1:05:12 – Finding Pockets of Possibility1:09:33 – Moving Beyond “This Is How We Do Things”1:10:53 – Putting Systemic Theory Into Action

Betrayal in a relationship breaks you. When you discover infidelity in a relationship, it feels like your whole world has been shattered. Helen Fisher discusses how she works with individuals and couples to heal the pain of betrayal and rebuild trust; intimacy; and deep, emotional connection. Helen is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy and advanced training in Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy, as well as Advanced Training in Sex Therapy and Substance Abuse counseling. Helen's contact information can be found at https://www.helenfishertherapy.com/. The State of Wisconsin's Dose of Reality campaign is at Dose of Reality: Opioids in Wisconsin. More information about the federal response to the ongoing opiate crisis can be found at One Pill Can Kill. The views and opinions of the guests on this podcast are theirs and theirs alone and do not necessarily represent those of the host or Westwords Consulting. We're always interested in hearing from individuals or organizations who are working in substance use disorder treatment or prevention, mental health care and other spaces that lift up communities. This includes people living those experiences. If you or someone you know has a story to share or an interesting approach to care, contact us today! Follow us on Facebook, LinkedIn, and YouTube. Subscribe to Our Email List to get new episodes in your inbox every week!

This week we're discussing Courage to Ask for Help. Asking for help is something most solo parents will tell you they're working on, and almost none of them will tell you they've figured out. It's not just pride, though that's part of it. It's the fear of being a burden, the mental math of what you might owe someone, the exhaustion of having to explain your situation one more time, and the quiet identity that gets built around being the one who handles everything. This episode goes right at that tension and hopefully stays there long enough for something to shift. Robert Beeson, Founder and CEO of Solo Parent, Elizabeth Cole, a single parent, and Amber Fuller, a counselor with a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy and single parent, bring their own stories to this conversation. None of them have this perfectly figured out either, which is exactly what makes it worth listening to. Key Insights from this episode: Refusing help has a hidden cost that shows up in your kids. The stress of carrying everything alone doesn't stay contained to you. It moves through you and lands on the moments and the people closest to you. Accepting help is an act of honor, not weakness. When you say yes to someone who wants to help, you're telling them their generosity matters and their presence in your life counts. Building the muscle starts with a list and a yes. Identify what you can offload, write down five people you trust, and practice saying yes, thank you without the explanation attached. Resources Mentioned in this episode: Brené Brown reference on shame and vulnerability Stay Connected + Get Support: Download our Solo Parent App Join a Solo Parent Group Learn more about Solo Parent Follow us on Instagram  

Introducing our Best Of series, taking a look back at some of our most popular and wisdom-packed episodes from previous seasons.  Thriving is relational: it involves growing in deeper and more authentic connections with others, with our deepest values, with God or our sense of the sacred, and with ourselves.  Dr. King's research points to the paramount role of spirituality and faith in this journey.  With the team at the Thrive Center at Fuller Seminary, Dr. King has identified six research-backed and interconnected facets of spiritual health and organized them into a framework using the acronym THRIVE. And in the upcoming weeks, we're going to dive into each facet, and re-air a Best Of episode from an expert – including insights from rock star developmental neuroscientist Mary Helen Immordino-Yang and psychologist Richie Davidson. With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. Help us grow by taking our survey. About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

Marriage and family therapists play a vital role in mental health care, helping millions of individuals, couples, and families navigate conflict, strengthen relationships, and build healthier family systems. But what does it really take to create a family environment where every person feels heard, supported, and empowered to grow? In this episode of Let's Have This Conversation, we sit down with Angela Caldwell, MA, LMFT, a California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, founder and director of the Caldwell Family Institute in Los Angeles, educator, speaker, and specialist in family-based treatment. Angela has spent more than a decade teaching graduate students and currently serves as an adjunct professor at California State University, Northridge, where she teaches systems theory and related courses. Her clinical work includes specialized training and experience in family-based treatment for non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI), while her broader mission focuses on helping families discover shared values, improve communication, navigate conflict, and support one another's growth. Angela's approach to family therapy is deeply influenced by her upbringing in El Paso, Texas. Growing up within a bilingual border culture taught her the importance of adaptability, resilience, openness, and learning to understand people beyond the words they speak. Those experiences continue to shape how she reads family dynamics, recognizes nonverbal communication, and creates space for multiple personalities and perspectives within the therapy room. Her years as a competitive athlete also provided lessons that continue to influence her clinical practice. Sports taught Angela discipline, optimism, perseverance, and how to balance compassion for difficult emotions with the determination required to pursue meaningful change. At the heart of Angela's philosophy is a familiar but powerful idea: it takes a village to raise a child. The challenge is that many parents struggle to find their village—and even when that support system exists, people may not know how to effectively support parents and children. During our conversation, we explore what healthy family systems really look like, how parents and families can communicate through conflict, why resilience matters during difficult seasons, and how families can build a stronger sense of connection and belonging. We also discuss the relationship between individual growth and the larger family system, the role of shared values, and why supporting parents requires a community willing to participate in the work. Angela has shared her expertise with audiences at local, state, and national conferences and has been featured in outlets including Authority Magazine, Motherly, the New York Post, POPSUGAR, Verywell, and the Healthified podcast. She is also working on a series of books exploring what it means to create the modern-day "village" families need to thrive. This conversation is for parents, therapists, educators, mental health professionals, caregivers, and anyone interested in strengthening family relationships and creating communities where children and families can flourish. For more information: https://caldwellfamilyinstitute.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Is it possible to heal from the grief associated with infertility? Tune in for an inspiring discussion with Dr. Clay Brigance on Finding Hope Through Infertility and Reproductive Grief.Moments with Marianne Radio Show airs in the Southern California area on KMET1490AM & 98.1 FM, an ABC Talk News Radio Affiliate! https://www.kmet1490am.comDr. Clay Brigance, PhD, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor, researcher, and nationally recognized specialist in couple therapy for infertility and reproductive grief. He is the founder and clinical director of Shiloh Counseling, a group practice specializing in relationship therapy for couples navigating infertility, miscarriage, and perinatal loss. He is also the host of the podcast “Love and Infertility”. For over a decade, Dr. Brigance has worked almost exclusively with couples facing reproductive trauma. His clinical and research work has included more than 1,000 individuals and couples experiencing infertility and miscarriage, informing his integrative approach to treatment. He has published in some of the top journals for couples work, including Marriage and Family Therapy, Couple and Relationship Therapy, and The Family Journal, among others. His model draws from interpersonal mindfulness and evidence-based couple therapy approaches, including the Gottman Method and emotion-focused principles, to help couples reduce conflict, process grief, and rebuild emotional connection. https://www.drclaybrigance.com https://www.drclaybrigance.com/podcastDiscover inspiring conversations with today's leading authors, celebrities, thought leaders, and change makers. To learn more about the Moments with Marianne Radio Show, explore guest interview opportunities, connect with Marianne, and follow her on social media, visit https://www.mariannepestana.comExplore the Moments with Marianne Book Club and find your next great read: https://www.mariannepestana.com/book-club/Listen to the Moments with Marianne Radio Show on KMET 1490AM & 98.1FM, an ABC News Radio Affiliate, weekdays at 8:06 AM PT / 11:06 AM ET and Sundays at 10:06 AM PT / 1:06 PM ET. Learn more at: https://www.kmet1490am.com/moments-with-marianne

Brian Jaudon is back on the podcast to help us wrap up Season 7. We talk about soul alignment, what it means to organize your life around your divine essence, and what happens when a chapter closes and something new wants to emerge.  Takeaways The question Brian has asked clients for 30 years: what has your life been organized around, and what would you like to reorganize it around? Invitation is a spiritual state. Have you invited what you want into your consciousness, your body, and your whole being? Soul misalignment shows up as a felt sense, and the body knows when something is off Once you've experienced a state of consciousness, you have access to it Live into what is and what wants to be, not what was or what should be Anything not aligned with your divine essence will surface to be examined, released, or renegotiated Brian's medicine journey revelation: we get to exist on this planet without being of service; we can choose how we want to show up and share our gifts with the world Relationship first, task second About Brian Brian Jaudon is a sacred witness to the divine unfolding of one's life. After 30 years as a coach, including his early role as a pioneer in the integration of IFS and coaching, Brian is embracing a new path and calling that is more vibrational and spiritual in nature. For the first time in his professional life, he is inviting individuals and couples to work with him in person at his home (Turtle Ridge) in the Blue Ridge Mountains of western North Carolina. Brian's new website is www.divinebecoming.love Episode Sponsor This episode is sponsored by Therapy Training Boston. Therapy Training Boston offers live, in-person, and online workshops, plus consultation for therapists and other helping professionals, designed to support you as a whole person while satisfying your CE requirements. All of their offerings are taught with an eye toward context, power, and relational justice, and draw on the family systems theories and best practices that shaped the IFS model. They also offer an Intensive Certificate Program in Couples and Family Therapy to help you build confidence and capacity in community. About The One Inside I started this podcast to help spread IFS out into the world and make the model more accessible to everyone. Eight years later, that's still at the heart of all we do. Join The One Inside Substack community for bonus conversations, extended interviews, meditations, and more. New to IFS? My book, The One Inside: Thirty Days to Your Authentic Self, is a great place to start. Listen to episodes and watch select clips on YouTube. Follow me on Instagram @ifstammy or on Facebook at The One Inside with Tammy Sollenberger. I co-create The One Inside with Jeff Schrum, a Level 2 IFS practitioner, coach, and creativity consultant.   Sponsorship Want to sponsor an episode of The One Inside? Email Tammy.

Daniella Bloom on See One Beautiful Soul Ep 80 Bloom & Release Where You're Planted! Daniella Bloom is an awakened Mama Bear, bridge-builder, therapist, activist author and news correspondent who goes beneath the headlines to connect what's happening in our personal relationships with what's unfolding in our nation and the world at large. Formally trained in Marriage and Family Therapy and previously licensed in Virginia, Daniella is now a keynote speaker, #1 bestselling author of The Under the Tree series, and a devoted mother of three. She is a pro-America, pro-Israel free thinker and currently serves as the National Ambassador of JEXIT. Relatable, candid, and often humorous, Daniella stands firmly for free thinking, freedom, family, and faith. She examines how the micro-level breakdown of relationships—blame, vilification, empowered victimhood, divorce, and family estrangement—contributes directly to the macro-level crises of polarization and cancel culture we see today. Her message is grounded in forward thinking, grace, common sense, personal accountability, and core Judeo-Christian values that she believes can reunite a divided society. Daniella's no-nonsense yet compassionate approach to dating, relationships, and now politics offers audiences a fresh and courageous perspective. She is a frequent guest on national television and radio, appearing across a wide spectrum of media outlets including Fox News and CNN. She has been interviewed by voices ranging from Ryan Seacrest to Charlie Kirk and has shared the stage with influential leaders such as Dennis Prager and Larry Elder. With over two decades of professional and personal experience, Daniella brings a rare combination of insight, resilience, and lived wisdom. Having worked extensively with single, married, and divorced men and women earlier in her career, she now applies that relational lens to today's cultural and political conversations. Her work emphasizes that meaningful growth and connection begin with open, honest dialogue—and that it is never too late to bloom right where you are planted. ​ Bloom has seen it all and been through it herself, and still believes it is NEVER too late to BLOOM where you are planted. After ending her own 16 year marriage, a whole new purpose and career exploded! Daniella has her pulse on what makes and breaks a relationship today. A comedic and engaging speaker, Daniella's passion is helping her clients and audiences—whether single, married, or divorced—put their best foot forward and enjoy dating and relationship success! Daniella is not afraid to take on uncomfortable topics and guests with different points of view, ranging in theme from the challenges facing our current relationships today, to the challenges facing our current politics.  https://www.daniellabloom.com/about.html Her books can be found here: https://www.daniellabloom.com/books.html  

You feeling this episode? Send us a text!You ever been around someone who parades themselves to be one thing but orchestrates demons. We all have a midnight phantom in our lives whether it be parents, friends, spouses etc. The truth sets you free. What truth do you need to lay out on the table before walking away?Support the show

After nearly four decades of marriage, who are you when that marriage suddenly ends?In this episode, Strategic Divorce Consultant Mardi Winder talks with Dr. Tamara Monosoff about the identity shift that can accompany gray divorce and the process of discovering what you want when you've spent decades caring for everyone else.After her own 38-year marriage unexpectedly ended, Dr. Tamara found herself facing grief, shame, loneliness, and a question she couldn't answer: What do I want? Her healing eventually led her to create the kind of supportive community she wished she'd had during those difficult years after divorce.Mardi and Dr. Tamara discuss why there is no timeline for healing and why rebuilding doesn't require enormous changes. Sometimes it starts by taking a class, pursuing an old interest, saying hello to someone new, or simply giving yourself permission to discover what makes you happy. Dr. Tamara shares how she pursued a lifelong dream, packed one suitcase, moved to Portugal, and began creating a completely different life.They also explore the difference between being alone and being lonely, the importance of connection and community, and the freedom to decide for yourself what you want this next chapter to look like.The discussion covers:• Why gray divorce can create a profound identity shift• Why there is no "correct" timeline for healing• How to begin figuring out what you want again• Why small new experiences can rebuild confidence and connection• The difference between being alone and being lonely• How community can support life after divorceAbout the Guest:Host & Founder: She's Not Done Yet! (https://shesnotdoneyet.substack.com/)I'm Dr. Tamara Monosoff. I have an MA in Marriage & Family Therapy and a Doctorate in Women in Leadership. Five years ago, my 38-year relationship ended in a way I never saw coming. I walked the path from debilitating grief to feeling clear, alive, and energized again; a healthier, stronger, and happier version of myself. Now I help women 50+ design lives on their own terms after Gray Divorce -- from heartbreak to badass!To connect:Website: https://shesnotdoneyet.substack.com/)About the HostMardi Winder is a Strategic Divorce Consultant and High-Conflict Divorce Coach who helps high-achieving individuals navigate divorce with clarity, confidence, and control. Drawing on more than 30 years of experience in mediation, divorce coaching and conflict resolution, she supports clients in making smart decisions while reducing emotional and financial fallout, particularly in high-conflict, high-asset and complex divorces. Mardi is the founder of Positive Communication Systems, LLC, and the Strategic Divorce Directory, LLC.For Mardi's gift: The Resilience Building Blueprint: A 28-Day Journey To A Stronger You https://www.divorcecoach4women.com/rbbConnect with Mardi on Social Media:Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/Divorcecoach4womenLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mardiwinder/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/divorcecoach4women/YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@divorcecoach4womenThanks for Listening!Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.Do you have feedback or questions about this episode? Leave a comment in the section below!Subscribe to the PodcastIf you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts. You can also subscribe in your favorite podcast app.Leave an Apple Podcast ReviewRatings and reviews from our listeners are extremely valuable to us and greatly appreciated. They help our podcast rank higher on Apple Podcasts, which exposes our show to more awesome listeners like you. If you have a minute, please leave an honest review on Apple Podcasts.

 Creating space for others to be heard—for their stories, concerns, and dreams to unfold—is such a gift. With the best of intentions, we often jump in with advice or our own perspectives, not realizing that we may be crowding the very space another person needs.  In this practice episode, Parker will introduce us to his Circle of Trust model, which has been at the heart of his transformative work with individuals and communities. Afterwards, Pam guides you through a modified version of the practice—one designed to help you listen more deeply to the people in your life. It's based on Circles of Trust, which is spelled out in his powerful book, A Hidden Wholeness and also his Touchstones for courage and renewal. The research bears out--experiencing love--which involves being heard, is absolutely essential for thriving.  Parker Palmer is an activist and author who has written 10 incredibly influential books – including Let Your Life Speak. And he founded the Center for Courage & Renewal, which supports leadership, vocation, and community formation. If you have not listened to the full episode, make sure you listen. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-gift-of-deep-listening-with-parker-j-palmer/id1712333330?i=1000747679111 With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

What if the phrase "You're only as happy as your least happy child" is actually keeping families stuck? Robin sits down with therapist Laura Goldstein to explore parenting, ADHD, radical acceptance, and why so many therapy models may be pointing toward the same place.Laura Goldstein, LCMFT is a Licensed Clinical Marriage & Family Therapist and Founder of Montgomery County Counseling Center (MCCC), LCC. She obtained her Bachelor's degree in Neuroscience from Franklin and Marshall College in Lancaster, PA and then went on to earn her Master's degree in Family Therapy from Thomas Jefferson University in Philadelphia. Laura became intensively trained in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) through Behavioral Tech Linehan Institute in 2015 and has further trainings in Gottman Method and RO-DBT. She has built a private practice with the values of systemically-minded and collaborative care. MCCC continues to serve individuals and families at the intersection of emotional, relational, and behavioral struggles. She's a passionate public speaker always looking to make psychoeducation. prevention, and sustainable care more accessible to help both clients and clinicians thrive.In this conversation, Robin and Laura explore why we can't make other people's happiness our responsibility, the relationship between acceptance and change, ADHD and working with our brains instead of against them, building a therapy practice from the ground up, and how different therapeutic models may be pointing toward the same human truths.Learn more about MCCC's new service Mental Wellness Check:https://mccounselingcenter.com/mental-wellness-check/Connect with the bulletin board on Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/groups/mocomentalhealthbulletinboardLearn more about Laura:https://www.montgomerycountycounseling.com/Learn more about TheraCourses:https://theracourses.com/--Get in touch:robinsmithshow@gmail.comCall the hotline:+1 (301) 458-0883Follow Robin on Insight Timer:https://insighttimer.com/robinsmithBook an appointment:https://robin-smith.clientsecure.me/request/serviceBecome a supporter on Patreon:https://www.patreon.com/therobinsmithshowGot a question? We'd love to hear from you!

One of the core aspects of thriving is living out love. But this isn't easy – it takes commitment and intention. So today we have a practice to help you lean into reciprocating love. Inspired by the With & For interview with award-winning film director Nicholas Ma, this practice takes loving kindness into the real world.  With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

Once the kids leave home, the dynamics in a marriage change. How and why? Find out from Vineeta and her gust, Ben Hoogland from Twin Cities Marriage and Family Therapy.

The five love languages have sold over 20 million copies and become one of the most widely used frameworks in pop psychology. Most couples have done the quiz. A lot of them have tried to apply it. In this episode, Marie talks about what the research actually found when the core claims were tested, where the framework falls short in practice, and what consistently shows up in the research as a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction.Things DiscussedThe origins of the five love languages and why the book resonated with so many peopleWhy the framework was based on pastoral counselling, not researchWhat the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy found when it formally tested the core claimsWhy having the same primary love language as your partner doesn't predict relationship satisfactionThe ways people misuse the love languages: as a compatibility test, a measuring stick, or a fixed diagnosisWhy love language preferences shift with life stage, stress and having kidsResponsiveness and bids for connection: what the research shows is a far better predictor of relationship satisfactionLove maps: understanding your partner's inner world, why most couples stop updating them after three to five years, and what that costsPractical steps: asking your partner what would make them feel loved right now, staying curious, keeping the conversation goingTimestamps0:00 Introduction1:00 Why the five love languages resonated and what the book got right2:15 The research gap: pastoral counselling versus evidence3:00 The five categories and what the research found about shared love languages4:30 What goes wrong: love languages as a compatibility test6:00 Responsiveness and bids for connection8:00 Love maps and staying updated on your partner's inner world10:30 What to do instead13:30 Relationship Reset and how to get supportResources and LinksThe 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman Relationship Reset Course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Keep the Conversation Goingforms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Is it ever okay to step back from a parent? In this episode of Rise and Shine, Adrienne Gold Davis explores one of the most painful and least-discussed questions in Jewish family life: what to do when a relationship with a parent becomes harmful. Drawing on Bowen Family Systems Theory alongside Jewish teaching on honoring parents, Adrienne unpacks why complete cutoff often isn't resolution so much as a quieter form of the same conflict, and why generational patterns repeat until someone chooses to interrupt them. She shares Jewish sources on the limits of the obligation to honor a parent, and makes the case that protecting your well-being and your children's well-being can itself be an act of honor, not a betrayal of it.    The Rise & Shine Podcast Series is made possible by the generous support of Bonnie Vozar of Chicago, Illinois. If you would like to sponsor an upcoming podcast, please email us at info@momentumunlimited.org

This week we're talking about, What to Do When Your Child Pushes Your Buttons. Your child says something that lands hard, or they shut down completely and the silence fills every corner of the house. You hold it together in the moment, but later, when everything is quiet, you replay it. You wonder if you handled it right. You wonder if the relationship is okay. And you do all of that alone, without anyone to help you sort through it. The hard truth is that solo parenting doesn't give you a timeout from the hardest parenting moments. There's no one to tap in, no one to debrief with, and no one to remind you that you're not failing just because your kid is furious with you right now. Robert Beeson, Founder and CEO of Solo Parent, and Elizabeth Cole, a single parent navigating this in real time, sit down with Amber Fuller, a counselor with a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy and single parent, to talk through what's really happening when your child pushes back, and what it actually looks like to stay grounded, hold your position, and keep the relationship intact at the same time. Key Insights from This Episode: Your child's anger is often a signal, not an attack. When kids rage or shut down, they're usually communicating fear, loss, or a need for control they don't yet have words for. Staying emotionally regulated isn't about suppressing your feelings. It's about being the stable presence your child needs when their own emotions are running the show. Framing your child's pushback as a form of trust changes how you receive it. They push hardest at the people they believe won't leave. Resources Mentioned in This Episode: The Emotional Lives of Teenagers by Lisa Damour The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel Stay Connected + Get Support: Download our Solo Parent App Join a Solo Parent Group Learn more about Solo Parent Follow us on Instagram  

True vulnerability is a critical first step towards becoming fully alive. But it can be incredibly confronting to know how to get really honest with yourself. In this episode we have a practice centred around consolations and desolations, inviting you to review your day and answer honestly: when was I moving towards connection, and when was I moving away?  Elizabeth Oldfield is a writer, coach and host of the podcast The Sacred, who has dedicated her work to exploring clarity, courage and most of all, connection. Join Pam on Substack, where we'll be sharing and asking you: where did you turn towards connection this week? Links and resources About Elizabeth Oldfield The Sacred podcast  Fully Alive: Tending to the Soul in Turbulent Times book Fully Alive, Elizabeth's Substack  With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

Have you heard of Recurrent Pregnancy Loss? Recurrent pregnancy loss is historically defined as 3 or more consecutive pregnancy losses prior to 20 weeks. Today's guest has experienced 4 pregnancy losses including losing a son at 15 weeks due to chromosomal abnormalities. Dr. Loree Johnson, a licensed marriage and family therapist, shares her loss story and journey to motherhood. In this episode you will hear Dr. Loree's story of strength and perseverance and how she found joy and peace in the uncertainty of this journey. We all could use more joy and peace as we navigate the current uncertain times. This episode is for you to listen to if you are seeking a story of finding joy and strength after recurrent pregnancy loss. Dr. Loree Johnson's Bio I'm Dr. Loree Johnson, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) with more than 25 years of experience as a clinician, educator, and clinical supervisor. I help my clients navigate uncertainty in their relationships, overcome the emotional challenges that come with infertility and the loss of a pregnancy, and strengthen their relationships. By combining my licensed clinical background and personal experience into a holistic and therapeutic approach, I support women and couples on their path to parenthood. I'm a clinical fellow of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and I've also served on the state and national boards. I live in Hermosa Beach, CA with my husband and pampered pooch. In my spare time, I enjoy salsa dancing, traveling, reading, and riding my motorcycle. Become a Sisters in Loss Birth Bereavement, and Postpartum Doula Here Book Recommendations and Links Below You can shop my Amazon Store or  ​Bookshop.org for the Book Recommendations You can follow Sisters in Loss on Social Join our Black Moms in Loss Online Weekly Grief Support Group Join the Sisters in Loss Online Community Sisters in Loss TV Youtube Channel Sisters in Loss Instagram Sisters in Loss Facebook

This week we're discussing Why Do I Feel Like Damaged Goods? Most of us don't walk around calling ourselves damaged. But the belief shows up anyway. In the way you brace before getting close to someone. In the quiet assumption that what happened to you says something permanent about who you are. Whether it came from loss, from words spoken over you in a hard season, from a relationship that ended badly or one that never got to begin, the feeling has a way of becoming identity before you even realize it happened. Robert Beeson, Founder and CEO of Solo Parent, sits down with Elizabeth Cole, single parent and co-host, and Amber Fuller, a counselor with a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy and single parent herself, for an honest conversation about why so many solo parents carry a private belief that they are somehow less than. Less worthy of connection. Less capable of being loved well. And what it actually looks like to start believing something different - not through willpower, but through the right people and the right environments. Key Insights from This Episode: The "damaged goods" feeling has company. Virtually every solo parent carries some version of this, and naming that out loud is the first thing that starts to shift it. The broken mirror wasn't you. The voices that told you something was wrong with you came from somewhere - and that source matters more than you think. Shame doesn't heal in isolation. Getting into environments where someone else says "me too" does something that self-help and positive thinking simply can't. Stay Connected + Get Support: Download our Solo Parent App Join a Solo Parent Group Learn more about Solo Parent Follow us on Instagram

In this divided moment, we are being actively encouraged to make enemies of one another. To resist these forces, we need to cultivate kindness.  Loving kindness is a simple but powerful evidenced-backed practice that helps us hold our own views and values, yet still honor the perspectives of others… even those with whom we disagree. Leading us through this practice is  Dr. Brad Strawn, licensed psychologist, ordained minister and one of the leading figures in the integration of psychology and Christian theology in the US. Don't miss my full interview with Dr. Strawn.   Here today we have a simple practice that takes 5 minutes and you can practice any time you need to ground yourself and foster a sense of compassion with others. And you can count on it to change your brain.   Come on over to my Substack this week, With & For by Dr. Pam King, where I'm asking you to share a surprising moment that you experienced unexpected kindness from a stranger or even someone you were at odds with.  With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

New studio, same crew — 365 Amplified moves into the Black Business Hub's new podcast studio with a full house. Rob and Stephanie dig into the messy world of campaign finance reports as Wisconsin's governor's race heats up, including a serious discrepancy in Sarah Rodriguez's filings. Beth previews Africa Fest, Omar reports from a youth social action march, Miles warns Wisconsinites about the Lone Star tick's red meat allergy risk, and Camille asks where Madison teens are supposed to hang out this summer. Plus, Myra McNair joins to celebrate 10 years of Anisa's Family Therapy and the launch of the Anisa's Foundation. It all wraps with a round of "main character energy" confessions.  

 Understanding our deepest sense of purpose in the context of our many roles and personal goals can be really hard. The demands of life can make it difficult to discern the biggest aim of your life. So how to get going? Today, we have a pair of practices that act as your first step in orienting towards your inner desires.  Bonnie Wan is going to guide us through two exercises to help you tune into your inner compass. For ten minutes every day for two weeks, Bonnie invites you to get messy by journalling on three powerful prompts:   If you gave yourself permission, what would the best case scenario look like?  What is sacred or non-negotiable to you?  What is holding you back? Bonnie Wan is a strategist, bestselling author, and creator of The Life Brief: A Playbook for No Regrets Living. Make sure you listen to our full interview with Bonnie. And join me on Substack to read how getting messy has helped me – and I invite you to share your own reflections.  With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

What if the church is trapped in the same invisible loop as an addict — and doesn't know it? What does addiction science have to do with the body of Christ? More than you'd think. In this follow-up conversation, Dr. James Spencer and Dr. Ashish Varma build on their interview with Dr. David Van Dyke (Wheaton College Marriage & Family Therapy) to explore how systems thinking unlocks a deeper understanding of church health, Christian formation, and why faithful people keep repeating the same destructive patterns. Drawing on Kent Dunnington's groundbreaking work Virtue and Addiction, the conversation reveals that the opposite of virtue isn't simply vice — it's addiction. Both are habit-formed, systems-shaped realities. The hosts then turn this lens on the church: from organizational cultures stuck in toxic loops, to single-issue political formation, to Pharaoh's fear-driven decision-making in Exodus — and what it all reveals about how invisible systems shape us without our awareness. This is a rare conversation: calm, theologically rigorous, and genuinely challenging for anyone who wants to think clearly about what it means to be the body of Christ in the world today. Key Takeaways: Why addiction is the true opposite of virtue — not vice — according to philosopher Kent Dunnington How invisible systems shape our habits, reactions, and identities without our awareness Why single-issue political engagement may be forming us into political animals rather than disciples The Pharaoh principle: how fear-driven, system-bound thinking causes us to miss what God is doing The Ephesus problem: the danger of being doctrinally right but missionally withdrawn What Jeremiah 7 and Acts 7 reveal about mistaking second-order goods (doctrine, temples) for first-order realities What does a multi-denominational coffee shop Bible study teach the church about unity? Get early access and a bonus with a Patreon membership. Subscribe to our YouTube channel To read James's article on this topic, check out his author page on Christianity.com.

This week we're discussing Who Are Safe People?. When you're parenting on your own, the question of who to trust carries a lot of weight. You want connection. You need it. But after being hurt or let down, it's hard to know how much to share, how fast to move, or whether your read on someone is accurate or just wishful thinking. Most of us have let someone in before they'd really earned it. And most of us have paid for that in some way. In this episode, Robert Beeson, Founder and CEO of Solo Parent, sits down with Elizabeth Cole, single parent, and Amber Fuller, a counselor with a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy and single parent, to talk through what it actually looks like to identify safe people, build trust slowly, and become the kind of person others can feel safe with too. Key Insights from This Episode: Trust is built by reliability over time, not first impressions. Watching someone show up consistently across different situations is the only real way to know if they're safe. Loneliness and exhaustion lower your guard, and that's not a flaw, it's human. Understanding what's driving your need for connection helps you move toward people thoughtfully rather than reactively. To find safe people, you have to become one. Developing your own capacity for safety, presence without judgment, reliability, and the ability to make repair, is what makes you able to recognize it in others. Whether you're navigating new friendships, dating, or even professional relationships, the challenges single parents face around trust are real and specific. This conversation addresses some of the most common ones. Join Us Live: We're continuing this conversation in a free live webinar on Sunday, July 19th at 7:00 PM Central. The topic: Can men and women really just be friends? Register here: soloparent.org/safepeople. Stay Connected + Get Support: Download our Solo Parent App Join a Solo Parent Group Learn more about Solo Parent Follow us on Instagram  

Self-compassion goes much deeper than self-care.  It's an invitation to reorient the way you live your life through love. Self-compassion then enables us to connect to the rest of humanity. That's one of the main pieces of wisdom that we took away from our conversation with Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the research of self-compassion, and was the first guest on the recent season of With and For.  In this practice episode, Kristin will lead you through her self-compassion break. It's a simple but powerful five-minute exercise that invites you to consider something you're struggling with, and then to respond to yourself with kindness.  Join me on my Substack, where I'll be discussing my own self-compassion journey, and invite you to share yours.  This is the first episode in our special summer series of wisdom practices: short exercises that will become your toolkit for thriving. Consider them your experiment in becoming more fully alive.  With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media & Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenSenior Producer: Clare WileyExecutive Producer: Jakob LewisProduced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

At the Thrive Center, we know from research that developing the psychological capacities that we need to thrive, and the clarity about who we are and who we belong to, actually takes practice. These skills and direction just don't come out of nowhere. So to help you on that journey, we've created a special series of wisdom practices. These are short episodes that will guide you through a specific practice or exercise, like Brad Strawn's loving-kindness reflection, Kristin Neff's self-compassion break, and Parker Palmer's listening circles.  This summer I invite you to engage in this short series of With & For practices, over the course of six weeks. Consider it your summer experiment in becoming more fully alive.  What's more, I'll be right there with you doing these practices at the same time. I've started a Substack to share my own experiences, and I'll also be inviting you to contribute your thoughts through a series of prompts. I'm really looking forward to going on this journey with you. –Dr. Pam King With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. About With & For Host: Pam King Senior Director and Producer: Jill Westbrook Operations Manager: Lauren Kim Social Media & Graphic Designer: Wren Juergensen Senior Producer: Clare Wiley Executive Producer: Jakob Lewis Produced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

In this episode, Kara speaks about her work with couples who are struggling with addiction. She discussed obtaining a family systems training in a couples and family clinic in Montreal, and then moving to an outpatient clinic in Vancouver for individual's struggling with addiction. She explained that many of the clients wanted to bring in their partner and/or family members, so she turned to the research to learn about treatment with couples with addiction. She found that most of the research was on a behavioral approaches, but not on the approach she was using, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, until she came upon a theoretical extension that had been proposed using EFT. She decided to go back to school and get her PhD, and do research on the use of EFT with couples in the context of substance use and addictions. She shared that colleagues expressed concerned about whether it was ethical to work with couples and addiction, and she explained that this perspective often coming from behavioral models of addiction, rather than looking at attention through the lens of attachment. She discussed how people don't set out to become addicted, but usually use substances to manage suffering or pain, and by strengthening the attachment relationship, it can lessen the dependence on the substance. Through her research, she found that there needs to be some level of stability around the substance use for the couples work to make sense because the individual(s) need to be functioning to engage in couples work. There also needs to be some core connection that is worth working on, which through the work, can lessen the distress and even the hyperfocus on the addiction. She explained that all of the couples she worked with in the study were in early recovery. She shared that when there was a partner who wasn't addicted, they were often having an inner conflict, having been told to not be codependent, to detach, but at the same time to love their partner, seeing them as more than an addiction. She discussed how Sue Johnson, Ph.D. discussed dependency, and how we have to have "effective dependence" in relationship, rather than dependence being synonymous with codependency. Learning how to depend on another in a healthy way, that is functional rather than having someone else take over for you. She shared that starting with the relationship, and helping that be solid, can then even be a resource for the person to go off and take steps in their individual life. She shared the common pattern is that the person in recovery is the withdrawer and the partner not having addiction, often being in the pursuer position. She shared that the EFT approach is helpful in understanding that cycle, and helping the partner to turn to the other, when feeling like turning towards substance use, and the partner can be there, without becoming fearful of their partner's struggling. Often the withdrawn partner doesn't share this, for fear the partner will freak out, or become hyper vigilant. She explained that partners who are in recovery should have lots of different tools and supports, in addition to the relationship, while having the relationship be a safe haven for them to turn for support. We discuss working with clients with active addiction and working with them when they maybe didn't come in due to substances, but not turning them away as they're seeking help. She explained that when coming to therapy, often the therapist assumes the addiction is the problem, although the couple may be wanting to work on other additional issues, and couples have reported to her that other therapists have only focuses on the addiction, and it was not a good fit for what they were looking for. She discussed working with couples where abstinence is the goal as well as working with couples using a harm reduction model. Lastly, Kara discusses her current research with couples where one partner has started adopting conspiracy theories or misinformation and therapy options that help couples. Kara Fletcher, PhD, MSW, RSW is the Director of the Social Work Research Centre at the University of Regina and an Associate Professor at the University of Regina Faculty of Social Work, Saskatoon Campus. She is also a trained AAMFT couple and family therapist. Her program of research seeks to better understand the impact of mental wellness, substance use and trauma on couple, family, and community well-being. Her current research is considering the impact of conspiracy theories, misinformation, and political polarization on intimate relationships. Kara recently published "Integrative Approaches to Couple and Family Therapy in Canada: A Beginner's Guide”.

This episode didn't go as planned, and I'm grateful it didn't. I invited Liz Brenner on the podcast to talk about the Family Process article on the family systems roots of IFS she co-authored with Dick Schwartz and Carol Becker in 2023. Instead, we found ourselves talking about grief. A month before we recorded, my dad died unexpectedly. Liz lost her partner, Dan, in 2018, just six weeks after his cancer diagnosis. We both came into the conversation still processing our losses, and grief was the conversation we needed to have.  Takeaways Grief can break you, and it can also heal you. Both can be true at once A felt connection to someone who has died can be a real and ongoing relationship When the spiritual dimension of Self gets left out, the Self-to-part relationship can feel smaller than it actually is Constraint release, an idea from family systems therapy, asks what pattern isn't working rather than what's broken Meaning-making is an often-overlooked stage of grief A part that's afraid of losing connection to someone you love can be asked to step back (Liz learned that during a session with Dick Schwartz) Family systems theory shaped IFS more than we realize We'll have Liz back on to finish the conversation about the family systems article.  About Liz Brenner Liz Brenner, LICSW, is the director of Therapy Training Boston, the continuing legacy of the Family Institute of Cambridge. She is the primary instructor of their Intensive Certification Program in Couples and Family Therapy and co-author, with Richard Schwartz and Carol Becker, of the 2023 Family Process article on the development of the IFS model (email Liz for access to the article). Follow Therapy Training Boston on Facebook or Instagram. Links: Therapy Training Boston Courses and Workshops Episode Sponsor This episode is sponsored by Souliology. Souliology offers retreats and immersive learning experiences for IFS professionals, many led by IFS Senior Lead Trainers and eligible for continuing education credits. Their programs support deep professional and personal growth, offering space to step away from the demands of daily life so you can return to your practice more present and resourced for the clients you serve. Souliology: Where growth meets depth. Learn more at souliology.com About The One Inside I started this podcast to help spread IFS out into the world and make the model more accessible to everyone. Seven years later, that's still at the heart of all we do.  Join The One Inside Substack community for bonus conversations, extended interviews, meditations, and more. Find Self-Led merch at The One Inside store. Listen to episodes and watch clips on YouTube. Follow me on Instagram @ifstammy or on Facebook at The One Inside with Tammy Sollenberger. I co-create The One Inside with Jeff Schrum, a Level 2 IFS practitioner and coach. Resources New to IFS? My book, The One Inside: Thirty Days to Your Authentic Self, is a great place to start. Want a free meditation? Sign up for my email list and get "Get to Know a Should Part" right away. Sponsorship Want to sponsor an episode of The One Inside? Email Tammy. 

This podcast focused on the importance of mental health in families, emphasizing communication, stigma reduction, and support strategies for emotional well-being. Punam interviews Deepali Sansi, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has worked in Mental Health for more than 10 years. You can find her at: deepali-sansi-lmft-44190911b Deepali Sansi has been working at Buckelew Programs for the past four years and brings over a decade of experience in the mental health field. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and currently serves as an Assistant Program Director for the 988 Suicide Prevention Program. She is certified in Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) and has extensive experience treating individuals with depression, anxiety, and trauma-related disorders. Her clinical expertise includes facilitating evidence-based therapeutic modalities such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Seeking Safety groups, and Art Therapy. Deepali is deeply passionate about working with families and adults who have experienced trauma, supporting them in building resilience and achieving meaningful recovery. She holds two graduate degrees: a Master's in Clinical Psychology from Delhi, India, and a Master's in Counseling with a concentration in Marriage and Family Therapy from Golden Gate University in San Francisco She comes with strong multicultural competence and experience working with diverse populations, Deepali is committed to helping individuals enhance self-esteem, develop insight, and cultivate healthy relationships that promote lasting and meaningful change.

Happy Pride part 2! Today, Jake and Brooke dive back into the tragic world of Bringing Up Boys to talk about the rot under the hood. While they tear apart conversion therapy and its proponents, there are also big laughs and lots of silliness. The two genders. Check out our patreon! patreon.com/ihatejamesdobsonOr go to ihatejamesdobson.com for all our linksSome medical organizations statements against conversion therapy:American Medical Association: https://www.ama-assn.org/system/files/conversion-therapy-issue-brief.pdfAmerican Psychological Association: https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbtq/evidence-against-conversion-therapyAmerican Association for Marriage and Family Therapy: https://plus.aamft.org/chiles-v-salazar-faq/References:The Patrick Custer Show. (2025, December 12). Michael Passons (Pt 1) Breaks Silence: His Truth About Avalon, Christian Music & 20‑Year Return [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmWXtnECYP0The Patrick Custer Show. (2025, December 23).Michael Passons' Full Story (Pt 2): Forced Out of Avalon, Out of The Closet & Conversion Therapy [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZ9ctLW-2YoSkinner, J. (Host). (2020, September 22). Michael Passons [Audio Podcast Episode]. In Jonah and the Whale. Lasting Media Group. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/jonah-and-the-whale/id1396748811Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/mood-maze/trendsetterLicense code: 9OT2MTBHWWSRZP5S: Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

From Brooklyn Beckham and Nicola Peltz-Beckham to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, we've watched family rifts play out publicly. But behind the headlines is a dilemma many people face in their own lives: what happens when the person you love doesn't fit into the family you come from? This week, Kate Langbroek sits down with world-renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel to discuss one of the most emotionally complicated tensions of adulthood — choosing your partner while trying to maintain your relationship with your family. Why do some parents struggle to accept their child's partner? Why can falling in love feel like betrayal? And when family conflict erupts, how do you protect your relationship without losing the people who raised you? Together, Kate and Esther unpack family estrangement, difficult in-laws, loyalty, intimacy, and the relationship patterns we inherit from our parents — and whether it's possible to build a marriage that looks different from the one we grew up with. Support independent women’s media and get our biggest offer of the year. Subscribe here for 30% off your annual Mamamia subscription. Code applied at the checkout. Offer ends June 30. You can now watch our show in full length video on the Apple Podcast app - make sure your phone is up to date and we can't wait for you to see. CLICK HERE. What To Listen To Next: Listen: Georgie Tunny & Rob Mills: The Marriage And Baby Conversation Everyone Keeps Asking About Listen: The Love Of My Life Was My Best Friend. Then She Died At 34 Listen: Jeni Haynes Created 2681 Personalities To Survive Her Abusive Father Listen: Kate Ceberano Has Spent 40 Years Trying To Figure Herself Out Listen: Maisie Peters Has Moved On From Mid Men Listen: EXCLUSIVE: Stephanie Browitt Survived The White Island Volcano. This Is Her Mother’s Story Too. Listen: Sophie Smith Lost Her Premature Triplets And Then Her Husband. This Is How She Kept Going Listen: Patrick Brammall Turned Down The Devil Wears Prada 2. Then He Got A Call Discover more Mamamia Podcasts here. Watch No Filter on YouTube. Follow us on Instagram here. Follow us on TikTok here. Feedback: podcast@mamamia.com.au Share your story, feedback, or dilemma! Send us a voice message, and one of our Podcast Producers will get back to you ASAP. Rate or review us on Apple by clicking on the three dots in the top right-hand corner, click Go To Show then scroll down to the bottom of the page, click on the stars at the bottom and write a review. CREDITS: Guest: Esther Perel Host: Kate Langbroek Executive Producer: Bree Player Audio and Video Producer: Julian Rosario Social Media Producer: Olivia Colman Mamamia acknowledges the Traditional Owners of the Land on which we have recorded this podcast. Become a Mamamia subscriber: https://www.mamamia.com.au/subscribeSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What it means to live a flourishing life has been one of the most animating questions of my career, and the brilliant, complex, nuanced conversations I had this season convinced me more than than ever: we are absolutely dependent on the world around us, on our friendships, our families, our communities, for all of us to become more fully alive. Our extraordinary guests on this season of With & For offered a powerful blueprint on how to thrive.  In this episode, I reflect on some of the most powerful lessons, invitations and insights of this past season. Thank you so much for lending us your ears and your time this season.  –Dr. Pam King With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenter Follow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. About With & For Host: Pam King Senior Director and Producer: Jill Westbrook Operations Manager: Lauren Kim Social Media & Graphic Designer: Wren Juergensen Senior Producer: Clare Wiley Executive Producer: Jakob Lewis Produced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

My name is Molly Downs-Stoller and I'm a gay, Christian, Marriage and Family Therapist who lives in San Diego with my wonderful wife Sue and our dog Sir Andrew James.  I have a Bachelor's Degree in Social Work from Point Loma Nazarene University and a Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of San Diego. I became a Christian in high school after going to a Southern Baptist youth group and I have been involved with conservative churches up until the day I met my wife. Meeting her totally rocked my world!  For years, I have heard preaching about homosexuality being a sin, however I found myself in love with a woman, and one who loves God. I didn't understand how our amazing love for each other could have been a sin.  Wow…I was completely wrong all of those years and I know without a doubt that God not only loves me but will never leave me. The journey that we walk as LGBTQIA Christians can be a difficult one, however it doesn't have to be a lonely one. I ended up losing my church, my best friend and my goddaughter, however I have never been happier or felt as free as I do now. I needed supportive/affirming friends and an affirming therapist to help me get to the other side of my loss and confusion and now I have the chance to walk alongside others. I have worked in the mental health field for over 15 years and have seen the healing power of faith and therapy.  I became a therapist so I could join others in the difficult stories and experiences in their lives and finding clarity and freedom in those places.  I have extensive experience working with depression, anxiety, trauma and crisis intervention. I am also Level 2 trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), as well as EMDR. I am so truly blessed to be able to help people sort through what they believe in, how they see God, how they see themselves, and how God sees them.   So let's do this together! Molly's Previous Appearance on GAY with GOD! Connect with Molly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/queerlesbiantherapist/   Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@lesbiantherapist   Website: https://www.thechristiancloset.com/therapists/2022/2/2/molly-downs-stoller

This week we're discussing: Tips for Creating a Peaceful Home Base Most solo parents are not struggling to love their kids well. They are struggling to create the kind of home where that love actually lands. Where kids feel safe, settled, and like they can exhale when they walk through the door. That gap between intention and reality is something almost every solo parent feels but rarely talks about out loud. A peaceful home is not something you either have or you don't. It is something you build, through the way you communicate, the way you listen, and the way you show up on the days when everything feels like too much. And it matters more than most of us realize, because when home feels unpredictable, kids do not just feel unsettled. They start filling the silence with their own story, and that story almost always ends with the same conclusion: something is wrong with me. Robert Beeson, Founder and CEO of Solo Parent, sits down with Elizabeth Cole, a single parent, and Amber Fuller, a counselor with a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy and a single parent herself, to talk practically about what it takes to build a peaceful home base. Not a perfect one. A consistent one. Key Insights from This Episode: What you say, and how you say it, changes everything. Kids fill silence with their own story, and that story almost always puts the blame on themselves. Listening well is more powerful than having the right answer. Empathy before action helps you understand what your child actually needs, not just what the situation appears to need. A peaceful home is a slow build, not a single decision. Consistency over time is what creates safety, and safety is what peace is made of. Stay Connected + Get Support: Download our Solo Parent App Join a Solo Parent Group Learn more about Solo Parent Follow us on Instagram  

Poet Christian Wiman and theologian Miroslav Volf wrote each other letters in which they wrestled honestly with the big questions: what does it mean to love God? What is faith?  Letter writing deepened the friendship between these two intellectuals as they wrestled with their questions about faith and the nature of God.  The longings they discuss speak to our deepest needs for transcendence and connection.  If we're going to transcend muffled lives and cut through the noise, we need a sharp, almost brutal honesty. These letters were published in Glimmerings: Letters on Faith Between a Poet and a Theologian. The book is named after a Seamus Heaney line: “glimmerings are what the soul's composed of”.  Miroslav Volf is a Croatian-American theologian Miroslav Volf is the Henry B. Wright Professor of Theology at Yale Divinity School and founder and director of the Yale Center for Faith and Culture. Christian Wiman is a poet, translator, and essayist from West Texas. He served as editor of Poetry magazine from 2003 to 2013. Discussed in this episode:   Jewish theologian Abraham Joshua Heschel  Veni Creator by Czesław Miłosz Zero at the Bone by Christian Wiman With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org. Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenter Follow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. About With & For Host: Pam King Senior Director and Producer: Jill Westbrook Operations Manager: Lauren Kim Social Media & Graphic Designer: Wren Juergensen Senior Producer: Clare Wiley Executive Producer: Jakob Lewis Produced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

“I often feel like the work is kind of a disintegrative work that we’re doing, we’re allowing the patterns and the structures to release, so that there’s sort of nowhere left to go, because there’s nothing left to lose.” – Julia Bodkin Beloved Hoffman Process facilitator and psychotherapist, Julia Bodkin, first took the Process in India in her very early adulthood. After living quite a bit of life, she took it again in Australia. Now, as a trained professional in many healing modalities, Julia facilitates the Process in the U.K. She brings a lifetime of experience, wisdom, and expertise, along with her generous, vulnerable heart. In her youth, Julia wondered if there could be more to life than just getting a job and settling down. She grew up in a middle-class British family that, to her, seemed very “dull.” So she left the U.K. and travelled around India until she came to Pune, India, where she studied on and off for ten years. Along her journey, having worked within many of the great schools of spiritual transformation, Julia knew she was seeking enlightenment and an “everlasting blissful state.” Through study, teaching, and much meditation, she’s, over time, found herself settling into an awakening and the embodiment of her true nature. Julia now sees it as “settling into what is.” In teaching the Process, Julia shares how beautiful it is to watch students soften into themselves. She shares that in shedding patterns, they start “to get familiar with something that they’ve been trying to avoid, and realize how beautiful it is, and how much more open, and how much sweeter it is to have that connection with themselves.“ We know you’ll love this conversation with Julia and Drew. It’s filled with many bits of Hoffman history that might be new to you. Listen on Apple Podcasts More about Julia Bodkin: Julia Bodkin has been a Hoffman Process facilitator since 2014. She completed the Process, trained in Australia, and is now based in Devon, in the U.K., where she has a private psychotherapy practice. Julia’s work is inspired by more than 35 years of personal and professional immersion in different schools of psychotherapy and meditation. She has a degree in psychotherapy and a long career as a therapist in private practice, individually and with groups. Julia has worked as an addiction therapist at the original Priory Hospital in London. For 15 years, Julia was a co-creator and a senior facilitator of The Path of Love process. She has been a senior teacher of the Diamond Logos Teaching since the late 1990's. She has expertise and experience in Trauma Healing/SE®, Addiction Treatment, Gestalt Therapy, Group Therapy, Family Therapy & Family Constellation, and is also a Craniosacral Therapy practitioner. As a traveller, Julia has lived and worked on several continents and is passionate about supporting people in reconnecting with their true nature. As mentioned in this episode: County of Devon, South West England. •   Dartmoor, an upland area in southern Bob Hoffman, Founder of the Hoffman Process Osho Ashram, Pune, India Pokhara, Nepal •   White water rafting North of India, in the Tibetan Buddhist area of Ladakh The Path of Love Faisal Muqaddam Diamond Logos™ Teachings The Diamond Approach, Ridhwan School •   Ali Hameed Almaas (A. H. Almaas) •   Karen Johnson Claudio Naranjo •   Enneagram •   SAT: Seekers After Truth The Priory, London, England Negative Love •   A Path to Personal Freedom & Love: Written by Bob Hoffman. Download and read in PDF form. •   Listen to Drew and Andy Milberg, Hoffman teacher: Exploring the Negative Love Syndrome Zen Buddhist Koans •   How to practice Zen Koans. Spiritual Self •   Essence, the Essential Self, your True Nature  

Dr Clay and his wife experienced their own infertility journey, an experience that tested them deeply but ultimately brought them closer together.That outcome sparked a defining question: Why do some couples grow closer after infertility or pregnancy loss, while others grow apart?Pursuing this question, Dr. Clay studied more than 1,000 couples navigating infertility and reproductive loss. His findings identified four consistent factors—the Four Pillars of Connection—that predict resilience in relationships facing reproductive trauma.His research has informed clinical practice, been published in leading journals, and is now used by therapists and couples worldwide. To serve local clients, he founded Shiloh Counseling in Ballwin, Missouri, specializing in reproductive grief and relationship counseling.Dr. Clay Brigance, PhD, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor, researcher, and nationally recognized specialist in couple therapy for infertility and reproductive grief. He is the founder and clinical director of Shiloh Counseling, a group practice specializing in relationship therapy for couples navigating infertility, miscarriage, and perinatal loss. He is also the host of the podcast “Love and Infertility”.For over a decade, Dr. Brigance has worked almost exclusively with couples facing reproductive trauma. His clinical and research work has included more than 1,000 individuals and couples experiencing infertility and miscarriage, informing his integrative approach to treatment. He has published in some of the top journals for couples work, including Marriage and Family Therapy, Couple and Relationship Therapy, and The Family Journal, among others. His model draws from interpersonal mindfulness and evidence-based couple therapy approaches, including the Gottman Method and emotion-focused principles, to help couples reduce conflict, process grief, and rebuild emotional connection.Dr. Brigance is also a researcher examining the role of interpersonal mindfulness, stress biomarkers, and relational resilience in couples navigating infertility. His work seeks to better understand how couples can maintain closeness under chronic stress and how therapeutic interventions can foster long-term relational growth following reproductive loss.In addition to his clinical practice, Dr. Brigance trains therapists nationally and speaks on the relational impact of infertility and reproductive grief. His work is deeply informed not only by research and clinical experience, but also by his own journey through infertility. As someone who has personally navigated the uncertainty, loss, and strain that reproductive grief can bring to a marriage, he brings a grounded empathy to his work that resonates with both clinicians and couples.Dr. Brigance lives in the St. Louis area with his family. His work is devoted to helping couples move from silent suffering toward connection, clarity, and resilient love in the face of disrupted dreams of parenthood.FIND HIM HERE:WEBSITE AND SOCIAL MEDIA: Website: https://www.drclaybrigance.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr_claybrigance/Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/people/Shiloh-Counseling-LLC/100090955350701/LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/clayton-brigance-phd-lpc-99a4381a4/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Dr.ClayBrigance/featured Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/326IpwHCa0diGyJIz4QgZj?si=51d3e3c2e386477a&nd=1&dlsi=1651f7262f41401b 

The first step in finding meaning and purpose in our lives is radical acceptance of the present moment.  Dave Evans is the co-founder of the Life Design Lab at Stanford, which applies principles of design thinking to our lives. Dave and his co-founder Bill Burnett wrote the hugely popular 2016 bestseller Designing Your Life. Their new book out this year is How to Live a Meaningful Life: Using Design Thinking to Unlock Purpose, Joy, and Flow Everyday.  After listening to this episode, you'll know the three barriers that get in the way of meaning making. You'll be armed with simple yet powerful practices to savor the here and now, and you'll learn how to step your gratitude exercise up a notch.  Dave holds a BS and MS in Mechanical Engineering from Stanford and a graduate diploma in Contemplative Spirituality from San Francisco Theological Seminary. He is Lecturer on the Product Design Program at Stanford, Management Consultant, and co-founder of Electronic Arts.  Mentioned in this episode: Falling Upward by  Richard Rohr  Spem in Alium Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. About With & For Host: Pam King Senior Director and Producer: Jill Westbrook Operations Manager: Lauren Kim Social Media & Graphic Designer: Wren Juergensen Senior Producer: Clare Wiley Executive Producer: Jakob Lewis Produced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

Why have we misunderstood what is normally involved in spiritual growth? What does it mean to say that our God is a withdrawing God?” And what do we do when the bible becomes boring and prayer seems pointless? We'll discuss these questions and more with our guest Dr. Kyle Strobel around his new book When God Seems Distant.Kyle Strobel (Ph.D. University of Aberdeen) is the director of Talbot's Institute for Spiritual Formation and Marriage and Family Therapy program. He is a systematic theologian interested in theological anthropology, Jonathan Edwards, spiritual formation and prayer. He writes both popular and academic books and articles, and is on the preaching team at Redeemer Church, La Mirada. Kyle writes regularly on kylestrobel.substack.com==========Think Biblically: Conversations on Faith and Culture is a podcast from Talbot School of Theology at Biola University, which offers degrees both online and on campus in Southern California.   Find all episodes of Think Biblically at: https://www.biola.edu/think-biblically.   To submit comments, ask questions, or make suggestions on issues you'd like us to cover or guests you'd like us to have on the podcast, email us at thinkbiblically@biola.edu.  

Are you a grandparent, caregiver, or child impacted by generational trauma? Do you wrestle with questions of connection, healing, and the hope to break repeating patterns? Are you searching for authentic guidance to rewrite your family's future after abuse or neglect? I'm Laura Brazan, and in this episode of 'Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Nurturing Through Adversity,' we confront the realities of trauma and healing. Our guest, therapist and author Johnzelle Anderson, shares his powerful story as a grandchild raised by his grandmother—the very person who both nurtured and wounded him. Together, we unpack how generational abuse cycles can be disrupted with love, boundaries, and self-awareness. Learn practical tools for auditing your family's “trauma soundtracks,” building genuine connection, and fostering resilience in your grandchildren.Johnzelle is a licensed therapist by trade, and believes in the power of storytelling to heal, imagine, disrupt, and inspire. His writing focuses on mental health, race, relationships, and identity. In his book Mixtape: A Memoir, therapist and storyteller Johnzelle Anderson weaves a raw, lyrical portrait of resilience, identity, and healing. Send us Fan MailDr. Jennifer Brunton holds a Ph.D. in sociology from Columbia University and has a career spanning from college professor to high-level editor and writer for brands like Forbes and Random House. But it is her identity as a proudly Autistic parent of an Autistic son and grandmother/primary caregiver to two neurodivergent granddaughters, 2- and 3-years-old, that fuels her deepest mission. I recently interviewed her for an episode that will be live the end of August 2026.  Jill Bryant has spent years researching the deep complexities of counseling and the lived reality of kinship care as a professor and a grandparent raising a grandchild. Her work, focusing on the complete subjective well-being of kinship caregivers. Taking this 10-minute survey gives our advocates the timely, real-world data they need to fight for the funding and structural support your family deserves right now.  Kinship care—stepping up to raise your grandchildren—can often feel like an incredibly lonely journey. When custody happens unexpectedly, it's easy to feel like you are the only one navigating the trauma, the system, and the sheer exhaustion.But you aren't alone. And that is exactly why your story matters. Your unique experience holds the power to change the system for the next family. Share your story with us at laurabrazan@grandparents-raising-grandchildren.orgThank you for tuning into today's episode. It's been a journey of shared stories, insights, and invaluable advice from the heart of a community that knows the beauty and challenges of raising grandchildren. Your presence and engagement mean the world to us and to grandparents everywhere stepping up in ways they never imagined.Remember, you're not alone on this journey. For more resources, support, and stories, visit our website and follow us on our social media channels. If today's episode moved you, consider sharing it with someone who might find comfort and connection in our shared experiences.We look forward to bringing more stories and expert advice your way next week. Until then, take care of yourselves and each other.Want to be a guest on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Nurturing Through Adversity? Send Laura Brazan a message on PodMatch, here: https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/grgLiked this episode? Share it and tag us on Facebook @GrandparentsRaisingGrandchilden Love the show? Leave a review and let us know!CONNECT WITH US: Website | Facebook 

Educational psychologist, researcher and author Dr. Todd Rose has one of the most unusual journeys of any academic. Todd dropped out of high school, became a father at a young age, and went on welfare to support his family.  Recognizing his own distinctive talents changed everything for Todd. He realized that humans are not cookie cutters: we have unique gifts, but that is not the same as individualism. We are fundamentally connected to one another. Todd went on to get a masters and doctorate from Harvard, before co-founding Populace, a thinktank which aims to research and understand individuality so people can live fulfilling lives.   In this conversation, Todd talks about our deep yearning to belong – but also the dangers of assuming we know what the group thinks, and the perils of conforming. He also explains why we're in an epidemic of resentment – and what you can do about it in your own life.  Todd's books: The End of Average: How We Succeed in a World That Values Sameness 2016 Dark Horse: Achieving Success Through the Pursuit of Fulfillment 2018  Collective Illusions: Conformity, Complicity, and the Science of Why We Make Bad Decisions 2022 With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org. Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenter Follow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. About With & For Host: Pam King Senior Director and Producer: Jill Westbrook Operations Manager: Lauren Kim Social Media & Graphic Designer: Wren Juergensen Senior Producer: Clare Wiley Executive Producer: Jakob Lewis Produced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.

I didn't know frozen shoulder was a perimenopause symptom. Neither did Melissa Monahan, this week's podcast guest, and she's a therapist living through it herself. This week Melissa joins me on the podcast to talk about the mental health side of perimenopause and menopause, and what IFS can offer women going through it. She's an IFS Level 2 therapist and host of Mindfully Meni, a podcast and Substack for women in this chapter of life -- and the people who love them. In this episode we talk about the changes happening in our inner worlds during this transition, and how IFS can help us make sense of and befriend parts whose burdens we may be noticing for the first time.  Takeaways Perimenopause is as much an identity transition as a physical one.  As estrogen drops, the manager parts lose their primary tool. Anger, anxiety, and old wounds may surface. Parts that were managed and exiled for years may now need additional care and compassion I share about my angry part around hot flashes, and what happened when I got curious instead of contemptuous.  Anger in women going through this transition is often the first time they've allowed themselves to feel it.  The polarization between shrinking completely and blowing everything up is a parts pattern, not a personality flaw.  Melissa went to PT for weeks for a frozen shoulder that kept getting worse. A surgeon finally told her it was common in women her age. Nobody had connected it to perimenopause. That's the gap she's trying to close. Community is not optional. It is medicine. Be sure to check out my extended interview with Melissa over on The One Inside on Substack   About Melissa Melissa Monahan is a licensed mental health counselor and IFS Level 2 therapist specializing in perimenopause and menopause. She integrates IFS, EMDR, and Brainspotting to support women through the hormonal and emotional dimensions of this transition, with a focus on the mental health conversation perimenopause deserves. She hosts Mindfully Meni, a podcast and Substack community for women in this chapter and for the people who love them. Melissa also offers clinical consultation for therapists working with this population and is building resources for clinicians.  Episode Sponsor This episode is sponsored by Therapy Training Boston. Therapy Training Boston offers live, in-person, and online workshops, plus consultation for therapists and other helping professionals, designed to support you as a whole person while satisfying your CE requirements. All of their offerings are taught with an eye toward context, power, and relational justice, and draw on the family systems theories and best practices that shaped the IFS model. They also offer an Intensive Certificate Program in Couples and Family Therapy to help you build confidence and capacity in community.  About The One Inside I started this podcast to help spread IFS out into the world and make the model more accessible to everyone. Seven years later, that's still at the heart of all we do.  Join The One Inside Substack community for bonus conversations, extended interviews, meditations, and more. Find Self-Led merch at The One Inside store. Listen to episodes and watch clips on YouTube. Follow me on Instagram @ifstammy or on Facebook at The One Inside with Tammy Sollenberger. I co-create The One Inside with Jeff Schrum, a Level 2 IFS practitioner and coach. Resources New to IFS? My book, The One Inside: Thirty Days to Your Authentic Self, is a great place to start. Want a free meditation? Sign up for my email list and get "Get to Know a Should Part" right away. Sponsorship Want to sponsor an episode of The One Inside? Email Tammy. 

Text me a question I might answer through the showRecent studies indicate that about one in four Americans experience some form of family estrangement.  This statistic is alarming, as many individuals report feeling deeply troubled by this estrangement. A significant portion of these estrangements occur between parents and their adult children, emphasizing the need for understanding and addressing familial relationships.  In this podcast and video, expert guest Dr. Tamsen Thorpe and I explore the causes, implications and solutions for family estrangement, drawing on insights from experts in psychology and family dynamics.What is Family Estrangement?Family estrangement refers to a cutoff in communication or contact between family members. It ranges from complete no contact to limited interactions, such as only connecting through social media. It is not always a straightforward situation; some families might maintain superficial ties while feeling emotionally distant. Understanding these nuances is crucial for addressing the underlying issues that contribute to estrangement.Support the showThis show was created with love on my volunteer time.   One small gift you can give me back is to take the time to leave the show a comment and rating on iTunes.  You can also support the production costs of the show by buying me a $3 coffee at buymeacoffee.com/dralexandra.  I will be encouraged by your support, and thank you!  

 When Jeff Chu turned up to work as a farmhand, he didn't know anything about gardening. He says he actually had more experience killing plants than nurturing them. But this wasn't just any farm: this was the Farminary, a 21-acre experiment in sustainable agriculture that's part of Princeton Theological Seminary. Jeff calls it the world's best classroom.  Writer, reporter, preacher and teacher Jeff Chu went on to write Good Soil: The Education of an Accidental Farmhand, a memoir of his season at the Farminary. In today's conversation, he shared some of the gems of wisdom that he gleaned from his time there.  He shared what we can learn about life and death from the compost pile; how to move through grief; and why belonging isn't something we're entitled to. It's something we create for each other that requires the hard work of intimacy and vulnerability.  Jeff is teacher in residence at Crosspointe Church in North Carolina; parish associate for storytelling and witness at the First Presbyterian Church of Berkeley in California. He's also a Ph.D. student in theology at the University of Stellenbosch, a Minister of Word and sacrament in the Reformed Church in America and author of Does Jesus Really Love Me?: A Gay Christian's Pilgrimage in Search of God in America and co-author, with the late Rachel Held Evans, of the New York Times best-seller Wholehearted Faith.  With & For is a podcast of the Thrive Center, an applied research center that exists to catalyze a movement of human thriving, with and for others through spiritual health. Learn more at thethrivecenter.org. Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenter Follow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter Dr. Pamela Ebstyne King hosts With & For, and is the Executive Director of the Thrive Center and the Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at the School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary. Follow her @drpamking. About With & For Host: Pam King Senior Director and Producer: Jill Westbrook Operations Manager: Lauren Kim Social Media & Graphic Designer: Wren Juergensen Senior Producer: Clare Wiley Executive Producer: Jakob Lewis Produced by Great Feeling Studios Special thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and Fuller Seminary's School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. The podcast was made possible through the support from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the John Templeton Foundation.