Podcasts about Hullo

Israel's gone mad(der), Trump has gone mad(der still). Ballymena's gone bally mental. And Darren Grimes is trying to persuade everyone he's getting suspended for not attending non-existent HR training modules. ALSO: beatboxing nuns obviously. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

HOORAY! The latest Right Wing conspiracy theory has just dropped, guys. And on this episode we follow it from Andrew Bridgen of "the vaccines don't work!" fame direct to Dan Wootton and out into the YouTube, Tiktok and Twitter-spheres. ALSO: Trump's Tourism Timebomb: would you honestly visit America now? AND: In a tumultuous world where Israel, Russia, probably China and America are just ploughing through borders they're not supposed to - we take a moment to, ya know, egg-on Mexico to just take Cuba. Because honestly why TF not. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Musk and Trump have fallen out. Some guy in Florida had the run of his life. And death. Laurence Fox is back in the news - AND: JP Morgan appear to be on a campaign to disrespect their staff as much as possible. Just another weird week in the run-up to the apocalypse. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

 Karen Saves The Universe: Part 1Desperate aliens kidnap a Karen to save their world!Based on a post by LingeringAfterthought, in 3 parts. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.On the starship Onan, the Priamites dubiously watched the screen display the creature. Dr. Fehr's algorithm had brought them trekking across the galaxy to a smallish, blue planet around an unimpressive star. While there was no denying the power emitted by the angry, festering organic matter before them, the thought of containing it and bringing it back to Priam was daunting. Still, the fate of their world hung upon the success of their mission."Do we have; uh; audio yet, Lieutenant Cavill?" Captain Hemsworth said, pausing briefly to joylessly ejaculate into his cumsuit, which quickly reclaimed the essence he emitted and channeled it into one of the suit's containment pouches to be resorbed as nourishment.Ever since the people of Eros had unleashed their horrific weapon on them, the Priamites orgasmed almost constantly. The Eros Curse, which seemed like a gift at first, became a tool of enslavement and oppression as the great Priam civilization devolved into listless people who passed the time sitting and staring at nothing in particular. Even special holidays were simply spent gathered in each other's' houses, grunting intermittently. The children of Priam, spared by the curse of Eros by living in growth pods, were never exposed to the disease or its effects until the seemingly arbitrary age of 18, so at least there was no trouble with the censors. The demands of orgasming so frequently took its toll on the Priamite's bodies. Dehydration, muscle spasms, and fatigue were common. The effects on the mind were worse. It wasn't until the invention of the cumsuit, which not only reclaimed the fluid loss and prevented dehydration, but also reduced arousing sensations until the wearer was nearly numb, that it was possible for them to journey out into the stars in search of a cure.Guided by the ancient journals of the revered Dr. Fehr, the Priamites had come to a small planet where it was foretold that there was a force of great and terrible power. It was hoped that this force could be used to break free of the cruel Eros Curse, but time was running out. Even wearing the cumsuits, the crew of the Onan, who were the most stoic, intellectual and sexless men of Priam, felt themselves progressively weakening to the Curse. It was only a matter of time until they lost all sense of duty and simply went adrift through the universe."No audio yet, Captain. The resonant frequency is so shrill that if we don't modulate the pitch; uh;” Lieutenant Cavill replied, closing his eyes and shaking as he orgasmed, then collapsed and stared blankly at the control panels as he recovered.Another crewman took over at the panel, "Captain, I can give you audio, but only for a short time. Even on their planet, they; they; oh; oh fuck;” the replacement said, stiffening as he spurted inside his suit, then shook his head to clear it and looked to their leader for orders. Captain Hemsworth braced himself in his chair and nodded for him to activate audio.A horrendous braying screech filled the bridge, “ No Idea Why You People Can't Even Take An Order Right! I Ordered The Cobb Salad With Extra Avocado! I Don't Care If It's Not On There Or Not! Fix The Damn Menu! I Have Been Coming Here For Over 15 Years And I Know For A Fact That You People Had Cobb Salad On There Two Years Ago When You Were Called Baker's Pie;"Another voice interjected, soft and conciliatory, "Oh, yes, ma'am; I see the confusion. The Baker's Pie that was here went out of business. This restaurant is Snooker's, now, so we don't have the same menu, but our club salad is very similar to;""Are You Actually Interrupting Me? Get. Me. A. Cobb. Salad. Extra Avocado! Do You Understand? Extra Avocado! Mucho Amortado! Comprendo Estupido?"Even in that short interlude, most of the Onan's bridge crew had begun bleeding from their ears and collapsing onto the deck. Captain Hemsworth, a man of rare tolerance and stamina, struggled past their unconscious bodies to the control panel and lowered the volume until it was barely audible. "Computer, disburse caffeline into bridge life support systems, 15 parts per million," he mumbled, leaning on the control panel for support as the strong stimulant hissed into the room. He didn't like to use the drug, because the heightened energy it gave often led to periods of prolonged involuntary masturbation, but he couldn't afford to waste time for the crewmen to awaken naturally. Not when conditions were so dire on Priam.Lieutenant Cavill groaned and rose weakly, climbing back into his console chair and checking the readings. "What happened, Captain? Our scans showed a primitive civilization on the planet without any meaningful defenses. What was that? Some kind of weapon?" he asked.Captain Hemsworth did a double-take at the crewman in wonder, but he said nothing. All around him, he watched the rest of the crew slowly getting to their feet and going back to their positions. All the men were alert, aware, and focused on their duties. Several of them were talking to each other; in full uninterrupted sentences. No one drooled, no one's eyes rolled back; not one of them stared off into space, as if dully re-living the curse that had infected their brains. He, himself, had not even felt the urge to sexually relieve himself once, even with the high levels of caffeline in the air. Indeed, he had not felt anything below the waist; not since he heard that voice. He doubted whether he would have the urge to orgasm ever again. They had finally done it."That was no weapon, Cavill; it is what we came here to find. It's the cure that Dr. Fehr told us was here all along. Contact High Command and tell them; tell them we found it. Tell them we have found; The Karen.The man-eating woman.After straightening out the incompetent waiter on her order, Karen Carmichael excused herself from her prayer group's table and walked to the restrooms, incensed. What kind of man actually cries when taking an order for a salad? Probably gay; or whatever kids were calling themselves these days. Was there such a thing as "gay" anymore, when people "identified" themselves as whatever the hell occurred to them? What was the point of picking a sexuality when people didn't even have a species anymore?Of course, Travis the Waiter had to play the victim about it, too, making the entire restaurant gawk over at their table like they were monsters. He probably knew they were a nice church group and went out of his way to make trouble. Sure, they all scream for "tolerance," but their types couldn't wait to attack nice people of faith like her who showed the world what it was to be decent and pure of heart. Well, he could just kiss his tip money goodbye! Tipping had gotten ridiculous anyway; a generation of whiny babies feeling entitled to extra money just for doing their jobs. ‘If ‘; they did their jobs. She couldn't even get a salad; and, by God, if the Manager didn't make things right, her Yelp review on this place would burn a hole through people's screens!Karen pushed on the door to the restroom tightly clutching her can of pepper spray, because sexual predators were always trying to rape women like her in public restrooms, and she nearly screamed when the door opened. Wet paper towels were everywhere. The garbage bin was overflowing, and some slob had splashed water all over the sink area! Now, she'd have to make the Manager take care of this, too! More drama, when she just wanted to have a nice lunch with her friends. And, of course, the Manager would just try to ‘handle ‘; her; as if she was some unreasonable bitch just for wanting to use a facility that wasn't absolutely disgusting! Then looking near her, but not at her, the Manager would apologize in that fake-nice voice and offer to comp her meal; offering her even more of what was bad in the first place. Managers and their fake apologies. They weren't sorry. The soulless jerks never meant it. They just wanted her to go away; acting like she was a scamming thief instead of someone who just wanted to be treated decently.She settled on the toilet and tried to calm herself. Lately, half the time she wanted to cry, or scream, or tear out her hair; but it wouldn't matter. Nothing would change. Everything changed around her, though. Menus; her children; hairstyles; prices; everything changed. It felt like everything had just left her behind. She looked everywhere for the things she used to love, but she couldn't find them anymore; and if she did find them, they weren't the same as they once were. Nothing made her feel her joy like she used to. That was it. Maybe she was done; that her turn at having any real joy was over. Now, the only time anyone tried to make her happy, or even looked at her, was when she screamed at them.Karen opened her eyes to a rattling sound at the door of her long, handicapped-bathroom stall. "Occupied!" she called out. To her dismay, the dial holding the sliding bolt turned all by itself and the door unlocked. "Hey! Get out!" she yelled, grabbing her pepper spray and holding it in front of her while she tried to stand and pull up her yoga pants."Nice human; good human;” a vaguely disembodied male voice said as a dark, hooded figure in a bizarre form-fitting spacesuit stepped into her stall holding what looked like a staff with a flexible loop affixed to the end of it. It slowly stepped toward her, as cautiously as one might approach a spooked animal. "Human want a nice piece of kale? Yes you do! Yes you do! Who's a good human?" it asked, holding out a curly dark green leaf to her and shaking it temptingly."What the hell?" she yelled, fumbling with the pepper spray can and trying to figure out how to make it work, just as the loop at the end of the staff went down over her head and around her neck, cinching tight.Karen choked, clutching at the loop with one hand, trying to loosen it so she could breathe, and with the other she emptied the can of pepper spray into the hooded face of her attacker. She struggled wildly, but the staff with the loop effectively controlled her and prevented her from landing any punches or kicks on her attacker. As darkness started creeping in on her vision, the last thing she saw was the figure deeply inhale the cloud of pepper spray and hold its breath, then say in a choked voice, "Ready for transport, sir; and man, they've got some good shit down here;”The forgotten leaf of kale fell down next to where Karen's cheek was pressed against the filthy bathroom floor, and with what she feared was her dying breath she choked out, "I want; to see; the; Manager;”Karen's ne victim."I used kale, Sir. Worked like a charm. It's one of the most nutritionally dense materials on the planet, so naturally, it was irresistible," a larger Priamite said to Captain Hemsworth, as he stripped out of his protective suit in a small enclave, bathed in an undulating light.Captain Hemsworth nodded. "Good work, Commander Momoa. Decontaminate for a full four cycles and I want protective measures in place for all personnel. God knows what this thing is capable of when it wakes."Karen heard garbled voices nearby, but kept her eyes closed and tried to steady her breathing. What had happened? The air smelled odd; almost crackling with ozone and energy, like a storm coming. The ambient sounds of the room told her she was not in Snookers anymore. Probably human traffickers. She saw a whole show about it. The bastards kidnapped her and were going to sell her into sexual slavery; except that she wasn't a teenager. She was 51 years old. Nobody would pay for sex with her, much less risk a felony conviction for it. Any ransom demands sent to her husband were going to have disappointing results, as well. So, what was going on? Why was she here? The kids were in college and wouldn't even notice she was gone until Christmas came. Her friends; her passive-aggressive competitors, if she was being honest; they'd just assume she left in a huff and stiffed them on the lunch check. The cold, hard truth was: nobody cared about her anymore and she knew it. That meant, if she was going to get out of this, she would have to do it herself. Her cheek hurt where it had hit that disgusting bathroom floor and she reached her hand up to touch it. The voices yelped in alarm and Karen opened her eyes to see two figures backing away from the enclosure she was imprisoned in."Who the hell are you, and what have you done with my purse?" she yelled, pushing herself to her feet. She walked toward them, crossing her arms and glaring. "I want whoever is in charge over here right now! I mean it!" she yelled, pointing as she walked toward them. One of the figures screamed, clutched at his ears and doubled over, staggering around the room dramatically. The other, larger one she recognized from the restaurant bathroom was in some tanning-booth-looking-thing, half naked and gorgeous in a likely-sexual-predator kind of way. Rather than flailing around the room, he seemed to have gone into a catatonic trance. God, people were useless. "You! Himbo!" she shouted, pointing at him. "Where is my purse? Did you even think to get it when you kidnapped me, or am I going to miss my Ozempic shot? I hope to God you assholes have good lawyers!"The beefy kidnapper in the tanning booth wobbled, then vomited loudly. Karen snorted as he slid down to the floor, unconscious. Pathetic. The smaller figure dove toward a panel on the wall next to her enclosure and pressed a few buttons and she heard the ambient noise of her room change, like it was encased, somehow."I've muted it. It's become even stronger than before;” Captain Hemsworth gasped, helping Commander Momoa to his feet again."How are we going to get it back to Priam? We could choke it out again every time it awakens; give the privilege out as a reward to the crew?" Commander Momoa suggested eagerly."No," Captain Hemsworth said, coming closer to the force field separating him from the angry Karen still yelling and pointing from inside the enclosure. "The cumulative effects of throttling it constantly might affect its functioning. We need The Karen at full power if we are to rescue Priam. We need to keep it conscious. We must feed it, provide it breathing gasses, and keep it clean; it appears to be constantly decaying. That reminds me ; cleaning duty goes to Ensign Holland. He's still on my shit list after the incident with the Zendayans.""Aye, sir."Captain Hemsworth cleared his throat and pressed another button on the side panel. "Hail Karen, bringer of blessed flaccidity, destroyer of abhorrent lust, and banisher of all erotic thought. We are men of the planet Priam. We mean you no harm. We come to you seeking aid, and we come in peace. Actually, until we found you, we would come almost constantly. It was disgusting. Everything was sticky. You see, our enemies from Eros sent us the most perfect pornographic images disguised in an innocent-looking email attachment. Once they were seen, they could not be unseen. They were burned into our brains, cursing us with perpetual arousal. The first wave of Priamites were taken by surprise once they activated the link. The next wave fell victim when the first wave posted the link on their social media because it was just so unbelievably; anyway, after the rest of our population fell out of curiosity or boredom, our civilization was nearly destroyed. We have been searching the stars for a cure, but to no avail. Then, just as all hope seemed lost, we found you; we heard your voice; and our loins finally withered. You are now a guest on my ship, The Onan, en route to my homeworld Priam. There, we will deliver your noxious, strident sounds to everyone, freeing them from their intransigent arousal. Then, after we are assured that all have been cured, we shall return you to your home."At this, Karen made an unpleasant face and began breathing on the clear wall of her enclosure, fogging it. Then, she quickly wrote a short message. "What does it mean?" Commander Momoa said, squinting at the squiggling lines she had made.At this, the computer made a chirp and began speaking, "The message, from the American dialect of the language English translates to: Why didn't you just make a recording?"Captain Hemsworth's shoulders slumped and he closed his eyes with a sigh. Commander Momoa's eyes went wide and he clapped his hand over his face in exasperation. "Fuck;” Momoa said in realization. "A recording;”"Dammit. We didn't have to take her at all, did we?" Captain Hemsworth groaned.Karen glared at them and wrote another word on the wall. As certain as Captain Hemsworth was that he did not need or want the translation, the computer was already on the job. "'Dumbasses,'" the computer cheerfully intoned, "a colloquial phrase, plural of the insult 'dumbass,' meaning 'a foolish or stupid person.'""End translation. Yes, Karen, if we had thought to record your voice instead of kidnapping you, this might have been a much shorter story, and considerably less inconvenient, but as it is, we are closer to Priam than Earth at this point, and our course is set. We will bring you to Priam and then return you home. Perhaps kidnapping you was not the most well-considered solution, but I defy you to think clearly after constantly watching porn for eons and let me know if you do any better."Karen's new calling.Great; as if getting old wasn't insult enough, I've actually become an intergalactic sexual repellent, Karen thought to herself as she paced around her cell. A lifetime of trying to do things right, and this is what it gets me. She wasn't so surprised that there were aliens in the universe, or that they had somehow weaponized porn, but that with all their advancements they were still so stupid!Sighing, she closed her eyes and listened to the ambient sounds of her cell. Life had been so noisy, the last 30 years. Everyone needing her, pulling on her for one thing or another. No peace. Lately though, with the kids gone and Cal; otherwise occupied; life had gone silent. The silence that she had wished for held no peace when it finally came. It just reverberated with the memory of things that had left her behind, making her anxious to fill the emptiness with noise. Nothing came to lure her mind away from the silence, no pleasurable temptations; her duties were done and it felt wrong to do, or even think about, anything else. My god, she had been kidnapped, was flying through the galaxy, and was surrounded by beefcake aliens and she was still thinking about that stupid loose tile in the master bathroom; she needed to get it fixed before the house was sold.A slight sound outside her cell drew her attention. "Who's there?" Karen asked, softly, opening her eyes.A wide-eyed figure peered around the edge of her cell, moving with cautious curiosity. It seemed younger than the other ones. It moved with a sense of barely-restrained eagerness, adorable and earnest. It also held a curved sort of wand in its hand."Honey, if you're here to anally probe me, I'll pass. I already had a colonoscopy this year, I'll have them send you the records;” she murmured, not expecting an answer.After a pause as the figure listened to the translation, its large eyes got even wider. "Is that how you poop?" he asked."What?" she asked, looking more closely at the young alien."I'm supposed to clean your cell when you poop; but you haven't pooped yet; wait, do colonoscopies make you poop?" it asked, scandalized.Karen closed her eyes and shook her head, "No. Colonoscopies put a small camera up your ass so that we can pay a doctor to do what we were afraid aliens like you would do to us if we got drunk in cornfields too much. They don't make us poop. In fact; well, never mind;” she trailed off, embarrassed.She still had vivid memories of her first colonoscopy earlier in the year, drinking gallons of preparatory laxatives, and the resulting quality time with her phone on the toilet. It was an odd experience; not awful, but not one that she could talk to anyone about. Her friends only talked about their kids and their successes, or whose husband cheated on them with some young thing, viciously salivating over their friends' misery with barely concealed glee. Forget about talking through her fears about it with Cal; that wasn't something he was interested in. Not anymore.After the procedure, she had been scared and disoriented from the sedation. For whatever reason, Cal hadn't shown up to give her a ride home. The stupid clinic wouldn't let her leave until someone could drive her home and take care of her. She just sat there getting more and more anxious. Eventually, she called an Uber and begged Xabiib the driver to pretend to be her neighbor; or just someone who cared about her. She spent the ride home trying to say his name correctly while he chuckled and repeated it for her. It was so horrifyingly embarrassing. It's one thing to have no one care about you, but another thing to have the whole world know about it when you were helpless and confused.Tears had rolled down her cheeks and she absently wiped them off with her hand. The young alien sat up and craned his head to look at the liquid on her hand. Karen snorted, "At ease, Holland. It's not poop. You're not getting anything out of me unless you have some heavy-duty magnesium supplements or yogurt."Holland's eyes went wide, "Are humans telepathic???" he gasped. "How did you know my name? Wow, that's so cool! Do it again! What am I thinking about now?"Karen suppressed a smile. Closing her eyes, she pressed her fingers to her temples and swayed from side to side, mysteriously. "I see something; something in the mist; something about; could it be; no, it makes no sense. Is it; a Zen; Zendayan? Does that make any sense to you?" she asked.Holland dropped his curved instrument in shock. "Yes! Yes! We just met them! We negotiated with them for supplies! I was there to carry stuff and; and;” he paused, shrinking in on himself a bit. "They are so beautiful. The Zendayans? So beautiful; and super nice; and just; like wow; I was supposed to just stand there until they were done with the talking and bowing and stuff, but they were just like so beautiful.""Well, what happened?" Karen asked."Captain introduced me and I bowed to them. I was feeling dizzy because, you know, their beautifulness just keeps radiating off them. Then; then; the most beautiful of them; she smiled." Holland stared at nothing, immersed in the memory, then wobbled, tipped over, and lay on the floor staring at the ceiling.Karen bit her lips in amusement. "I see. What did you do then?""I; I; I started talking and then I just couldn't stop because I was just trying to say how beautiful she was and how it just made my mind explode when she smiled and then I might have peed on the floor.""Oh dear," Karen said, cringing in sympathy. "We don't always put forward the face we want to when we are in our feelings, do we?" she said, quietly."Yeah; I've been cleaning poop ever since;” Holland sighed. After a while he sat back up, picked up the curved instrument and began twirling it in his hands. "So, like; what about you? Have you always made horrible noises?" he asked.Karen huffed, but then she saw the oblivious earnestness in Holland's face and sighed. "No; I wasn't always; like this. In fact, until about 30 years ago, I made beautiful noises. I was a pianist," she said."But, wait, they said you were a female;” Holland said, confused."Pee, an, ist," Karen repeated slowly. "I played the piano. It's an instrument; I was a musician. I was a student at Juilliard. It's a school on Earth; it was like a dream to even get in. I was on a scholarship, living in this shoddy apartment with my roommate Dana;” she trailed off, thinking about those days when everything seemed possible."Wait! Are you remembering?" Holland asked, breaking her reverie. "Can I remember it, too? Nobody wants to remember with me ever since the Zendayans, so I'm just left with my own memories and it gets so boring.""What are you talking about?""Well, it's kinda like; um; let me just show you. Computer, scan The Karen and project her memories," Holland ordered. A humming noise filled the room and a beam of light shot out of the wall and passed over her several times. Suddenly, her cell transformed into her shoddy apartment in Newark, New Jersey."Oh my gosh; it's just like it," Karen gasped looking around."Humans dream of getting into this?" Holland said, scrutinizing a cockroach scurrying along the floor."No, silly. This was our apartment across the river. We lived here when we weren't at school. Dana and I moved off campus in our second year. We took jobs on the side through an agency. That was when;” she sat down and a phone in the apartment's bedroom began ringing.A long, pale arm reached out of a pile of blankets on the bed and grabbed the phone. "Hullo?" Dana mumbled. A voice on the phone sounded irate. "Yeah, I'm almost there," she said and hung up.

 Karen Saves The Universe: Part 1Desperate aliens kidnap a Karen to save their world!Based on a post by LingeringAfterthought, in 3 parts. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.On the starship Onan, the Priamites dubiously watched the screen display the creature. Dr. Fehr's algorithm had brought them trekking across the galaxy to a smallish, blue planet around an unimpressive star. While there was no denying the power emitted by the angry, festering organic matter before them, the thought of containing it and bringing it back to Priam was daunting. Still, the fate of their world hung upon the success of their mission."Do we have; uh; audio yet, Lieutenant Cavill?" Captain Hemsworth said, pausing briefly to joylessly ejaculate into his cumsuit, which quickly reclaimed the essence he emitted and channeled it into one of the suit's containment pouches to be resorbed as nourishment.Ever since the people of Eros had unleashed their horrific weapon on them, the Priamites orgasmed almost constantly. The Eros Curse, which seemed like a gift at first, became a tool of enslavement and oppression as the great Priam civilization devolved into listless people who passed the time sitting and staring at nothing in particular. Even special holidays were simply spent gathered in each other's' houses, grunting intermittently. The children of Priam, spared by the curse of Eros by living in growth pods, were never exposed to the disease or its effects until the seemingly arbitrary age of 18, so at least there was no trouble with the censors. The demands of orgasming so frequently took its toll on the Priamite's bodies. Dehydration, muscle spasms, and fatigue were common. The effects on the mind were worse. It wasn't until the invention of the cumsuit, which not only reclaimed the fluid loss and prevented dehydration, but also reduced arousing sensations until the wearer was nearly numb, that it was possible for them to journey out into the stars in search of a cure.Guided by the ancient journals of the revered Dr. Fehr, the Priamites had come to a small planet where it was foretold that there was a force of great and terrible power. It was hoped that this force could be used to break free of the cruel Eros Curse, but time was running out. Even wearing the cumsuits, the crew of the Onan, who were the most stoic, intellectual and sexless men of Priam, felt themselves progressively weakening to the Curse. It was only a matter of time until they lost all sense of duty and simply went adrift through the universe."No audio yet, Captain. The resonant frequency is so shrill that if we don't modulate the pitch; uh;” Lieutenant Cavill replied, closing his eyes and shaking as he orgasmed, then collapsed and stared blankly at the control panels as he recovered.Another crewman took over at the panel, "Captain, I can give you audio, but only for a short time. Even on their planet, they; they; oh; oh fuck;” the replacement said, stiffening as he spurted inside his suit, then shook his head to clear it and looked to their leader for orders. Captain Hemsworth braced himself in his chair and nodded for him to activate audio.A horrendous braying screech filled the bridge, “ No Idea Why You People Can't Even Take An Order Right! I Ordered The Cobb Salad With Extra Avocado! I Don't Care If It's Not On There Or Not! Fix The Damn Menu! I Have Been Coming Here For Over 15 Years And I Know For A Fact That You People Had Cobb Salad On There Two Years Ago When You Were Called Baker's Pie;"Another voice interjected, soft and conciliatory, "Oh, yes, ma'am; I see the confusion. The Baker's Pie that was here went out of business. This restaurant is Snooker's, now, so we don't have the same menu, but our club salad is very similar to;""Are You Actually Interrupting Me? Get. Me. A. Cobb. Salad. Extra Avocado! Do You Understand? Extra Avocado! Mucho Amortado! Comprendo Estupido?"Even in that short interlude, most of the Onan's bridge crew had begun bleeding from their ears and collapsing onto the deck. Captain Hemsworth, a man of rare tolerance and stamina, struggled past their unconscious bodies to the control panel and lowered the volume until it was barely audible. "Computer, disburse caffeline into bridge life support systems, 15 parts per million," he mumbled, leaning on the control panel for support as the strong stimulant hissed into the room. He didn't like to use the drug, because the heightened energy it gave often led to periods of prolonged involuntary masturbation, but he couldn't afford to waste time for the crewmen to awaken naturally. Not when conditions were so dire on Priam.Lieutenant Cavill groaned and rose weakly, climbing back into his console chair and checking the readings. "What happened, Captain? Our scans showed a primitive civilization on the planet without any meaningful defenses. What was that? Some kind of weapon?" he asked.Captain Hemsworth did a double-take at the crewman in wonder, but he said nothing. All around him, he watched the rest of the crew slowly getting to their feet and going back to their positions. All the men were alert, aware, and focused on their duties. Several of them were talking to each other; in full uninterrupted sentences. No one drooled, no one's eyes rolled back; not one of them stared off into space, as if dully re-living the curse that had infected their brains. He, himself, had not even felt the urge to sexually relieve himself once, even with the high levels of caffeline in the air. Indeed, he had not felt anything below the waist; not since he heard that voice. He doubted whether he would have the urge to orgasm ever again. They had finally done it."That was no weapon, Cavill; it is what we came here to find. It's the cure that Dr. Fehr told us was here all along. Contact High Command and tell them; tell them we found it. Tell them we have found; The Karen.The man-eating woman.After straightening out the incompetent waiter on her order, Karen Carmichael excused herself from her prayer group's table and walked to the restrooms, incensed. What kind of man actually cries when taking an order for a salad? Probably gay; or whatever kids were calling themselves these days. Was there such a thing as "gay" anymore, when people "identified" themselves as whatever the hell occurred to them? What was the point of picking a sexuality when people didn't even have a species anymore?Of course, Travis the Waiter had to play the victim about it, too, making the entire restaurant gawk over at their table like they were monsters. He probably knew they were a nice church group and went out of his way to make trouble. Sure, they all scream for "tolerance," but their types couldn't wait to attack nice people of faith like her who showed the world what it was to be decent and pure of heart. Well, he could just kiss his tip money goodbye! Tipping had gotten ridiculous anyway; a generation of whiny babies feeling entitled to extra money just for doing their jobs. ‘If ‘; they did their jobs. She couldn't even get a salad; and, by God, if the Manager didn't make things right, her Yelp review on this place would burn a hole through people's screens!Karen pushed on the door to the restroom tightly clutching her can of pepper spray, because sexual predators were always trying to rape women like her in public restrooms, and she nearly screamed when the door opened. Wet paper towels were everywhere. The garbage bin was overflowing, and some slob had splashed water all over the sink area! Now, she'd have to make the Manager take care of this, too! More drama, when she just wanted to have a nice lunch with her friends. And, of course, the Manager would just try to ‘handle ‘; her; as if she was some unreasonable bitch just for wanting to use a facility that wasn't absolutely disgusting! Then looking near her, but not at her, the Manager would apologize in that fake-nice voice and offer to comp her meal; offering her even more of what was bad in the first place. Managers and their fake apologies. They weren't sorry. The soulless jerks never meant it. They just wanted her to go away; acting like she was a scamming thief instead of someone who just wanted to be treated decently.She settled on the toilet and tried to calm herself. Lately, half the time she wanted to cry, or scream, or tear out her hair; but it wouldn't matter. Nothing would change. Everything changed around her, though. Menus; her children; hairstyles; prices; everything changed. It felt like everything had just left her behind. She looked everywhere for the things she used to love, but she couldn't find them anymore; and if she did find them, they weren't the same as they once were. Nothing made her feel her joy like she used to. That was it. Maybe she was done; that her turn at having any real joy was over. Now, the only time anyone tried to make her happy, or even looked at her, was when she screamed at them.Karen opened her eyes to a rattling sound at the door of her long, handicapped-bathroom stall. "Occupied!" she called out. To her dismay, the dial holding the sliding bolt turned all by itself and the door unlocked. "Hey! Get out!" she yelled, grabbing her pepper spray and holding it in front of her while she tried to stand and pull up her yoga pants."Nice human; good human;” a vaguely disembodied male voice said as a dark, hooded figure in a bizarre form-fitting spacesuit stepped into her stall holding what looked like a staff with a flexible loop affixed to the end of it. It slowly stepped toward her, as cautiously as one might approach a spooked animal. "Human want a nice piece of kale? Yes you do! Yes you do! Who's a good human?" it asked, holding out a curly dark green leaf to her and shaking it temptingly."What the hell?" she yelled, fumbling with the pepper spray can and trying to figure out how to make it work, just as the loop at the end of the staff went down over her head and around her neck, cinching tight.Karen choked, clutching at the loop with one hand, trying to loosen it so she could breathe, and with the other she emptied the can of pepper spray into the hooded face of her attacker. She struggled wildly, but the staff with the loop effectively controlled her and prevented her from landing any punches or kicks on her attacker. As darkness started creeping in on her vision, the last thing she saw was the figure deeply inhale the cloud of pepper spray and hold its breath, then say in a choked voice, "Ready for transport, sir; and man, they've got some good shit down here;”The forgotten leaf of kale fell down next to where Karen's cheek was pressed against the filthy bathroom floor, and with what she feared was her dying breath she choked out, "I want; to see; the; Manager;”Karen's ne victim."I used kale, Sir. Worked like a charm. It's one of the most nutritionally dense materials on the planet, so naturally, it was irresistible," a larger Priamite said to Captain Hemsworth, as he stripped out of his protective suit in a small enclave, bathed in an undulating light.Captain Hemsworth nodded. "Good work, Commander Momoa. Decontaminate for a full four cycles and I want protective measures in place for all personnel. God knows what this thing is capable of when it wakes."Karen heard garbled voices nearby, but kept her eyes closed and tried to steady her breathing. What had happened? The air smelled odd; almost crackling with ozone and energy, like a storm coming. The ambient sounds of the room told her she was not in Snookers anymore. Probably human traffickers. She saw a whole show about it. The bastards kidnapped her and were going to sell her into sexual slavery; except that she wasn't a teenager. She was 51 years old. Nobody would pay for sex with her, much less risk a felony conviction for it. Any ransom demands sent to her husband were going to have disappointing results, as well. So, what was going on? Why was she here? The kids were in college and wouldn't even notice she was gone until Christmas came. Her friends; her passive-aggressive competitors, if she was being honest; they'd just assume she left in a huff and stiffed them on the lunch check. The cold, hard truth was: nobody cared about her anymore and she knew it. That meant, if she was going to get out of this, she would have to do it herself. Her cheek hurt where it had hit that disgusting bathroom floor and she reached her hand up to touch it. The voices yelped in alarm and Karen opened her eyes to see two figures backing away from the enclosure she was imprisoned in."Who the hell are you, and what have you done with my purse?" she yelled, pushing herself to her feet. She walked toward them, crossing her arms and glaring. "I want whoever is in charge over here right now! I mean it!" she yelled, pointing as she walked toward them. One of the figures screamed, clutched at his ears and doubled over, staggering around the room dramatically. The other, larger one she recognized from the restaurant bathroom was in some tanning-booth-looking-thing, half naked and gorgeous in a likely-sexual-predator kind of way. Rather than flailing around the room, he seemed to have gone into a catatonic trance. God, people were useless. "You! Himbo!" she shouted, pointing at him. "Where is my purse? Did you even think to get it when you kidnapped me, or am I going to miss my Ozempic shot? I hope to God you assholes have good lawyers!"The beefy kidnapper in the tanning booth wobbled, then vomited loudly. Karen snorted as he slid down to the floor, unconscious. Pathetic. The smaller figure dove toward a panel on the wall next to her enclosure and pressed a few buttons and she heard the ambient noise of her room change, like it was encased, somehow."I've muted it. It's become even stronger than before;” Captain Hemsworth gasped, helping Commander Momoa to his feet again."How are we going to get it back to Priam? We could choke it out again every time it awakens; give the privilege out as a reward to the crew?" Commander Momoa suggested eagerly."No," Captain Hemsworth said, coming closer to the force field separating him from the angry Karen still yelling and pointing from inside the enclosure. "The cumulative effects of throttling it constantly might affect its functioning. We need The Karen at full power if we are to rescue Priam. We need to keep it conscious. We must feed it, provide it breathing gasses, and keep it clean; it appears to be constantly decaying. That reminds me ; cleaning duty goes to Ensign Holland. He's still on my shit list after the incident with the Zendayans.""Aye, sir."Captain Hemsworth cleared his throat and pressed another button on the side panel. "Hail Karen, bringer of blessed flaccidity, destroyer of abhorrent lust, and banisher of all erotic thought. We are men of the planet Priam. We mean you no harm. We come to you seeking aid, and we come in peace. Actually, until we found you, we would come almost constantly. It was disgusting. Everything was sticky. You see, our enemies from Eros sent us the most perfect pornographic images disguised in an innocent-looking email attachment. Once they were seen, they could not be unseen. They were burned into our brains, cursing us with perpetual arousal. The first wave of Priamites were taken by surprise once they activated the link. The next wave fell victim when the first wave posted the link on their social media because it was just so unbelievably; anyway, after the rest of our population fell out of curiosity or boredom, our civilization was nearly destroyed. We have been searching the stars for a cure, but to no avail. Then, just as all hope seemed lost, we found you; we heard your voice; and our loins finally withered. You are now a guest on my ship, The Onan, en route to my homeworld Priam. There, we will deliver your noxious, strident sounds to everyone, freeing them from their intransigent arousal. Then, after we are assured that all have been cured, we shall return you to your home."At this, Karen made an unpleasant face and began breathing on the clear wall of her enclosure, fogging it. Then, she quickly wrote a short message. "What does it mean?" Commander Momoa said, squinting at the squiggling lines she had made.At this, the computer made a chirp and began speaking, "The message, from the American dialect of the language English translates to: Why didn't you just make a recording?"Captain Hemsworth's shoulders slumped and he closed his eyes with a sigh. Commander Momoa's eyes went wide and he clapped his hand over his face in exasperation. "Fuck;” Momoa said in realization. "A recording;”"Dammit. We didn't have to take her at all, did we?" Captain Hemsworth groaned.Karen glared at them and wrote another word on the wall. As certain as Captain Hemsworth was that he did not need or want the translation, the computer was already on the job. "'Dumbasses,'" the computer cheerfully intoned, "a colloquial phrase, plural of the insult 'dumbass,' meaning 'a foolish or stupid person.'""End translation. Yes, Karen, if we had thought to record your voice instead of kidnapping you, this might have been a much shorter story, and considerably less inconvenient, but as it is, we are closer to Priam than Earth at this point, and our course is set. We will bring you to Priam and then return you home. Perhaps kidnapping you was not the most well-considered solution, but I defy you to think clearly after constantly watching porn for eons and let me know if you do any better."Karen's new calling.Great; as if getting old wasn't insult enough, I've actually become an intergalactic sexual repellent, Karen thought to herself as she paced around her cell. A lifetime of trying to do things right, and this is what it gets me. She wasn't so surprised that there were aliens in the universe, or that they had somehow weaponized porn, but that with all their advancements they were still so stupid!Sighing, she closed her eyes and listened to the ambient sounds of her cell. Life had been so noisy, the last 30 years. Everyone needing her, pulling on her for one thing or another. No peace. Lately though, with the kids gone and Cal; otherwise occupied; life had gone silent. The silence that she had wished for held no peace when it finally came. It just reverberated with the memory of things that had left her behind, making her anxious to fill the emptiness with noise. Nothing came to lure her mind away from the silence, no pleasurable temptations; her duties were done and it felt wrong to do, or even think about, anything else. My god, she had been kidnapped, was flying through the galaxy, and was surrounded by beefcake aliens and she was still thinking about that stupid loose tile in the master bathroom; she needed to get it fixed before the house was sold.A slight sound outside her cell drew her attention. "Who's there?" Karen asked, softly, opening her eyes.A wide-eyed figure peered around the edge of her cell, moving with cautious curiosity. It seemed younger than the other ones. It moved with a sense of barely-restrained eagerness, adorable and earnest. It also held a curved sort of wand in its hand."Honey, if you're here to anally probe me, I'll pass. I already had a colonoscopy this year, I'll have them send you the records;” she murmured, not expecting an answer.After a pause as the figure listened to the translation, its large eyes got even wider. "Is that how you poop?" he asked."What?" she asked, looking more closely at the young alien."I'm supposed to clean your cell when you poop; but you haven't pooped yet; wait, do colonoscopies make you poop?" it asked, scandalized.Karen closed her eyes and shook her head, "No. Colonoscopies put a small camera up your ass so that we can pay a doctor to do what we were afraid aliens like you would do to us if we got drunk in cornfields too much. They don't make us poop. In fact; well, never mind;” she trailed off, embarrassed.She still had vivid memories of her first colonoscopy earlier in the year, drinking gallons of preparatory laxatives, and the resulting quality time with her phone on the toilet. It was an odd experience; not awful, but not one that she could talk to anyone about. Her friends only talked about their kids and their successes, or whose husband cheated on them with some young thing, viciously salivating over their friends' misery with barely concealed glee. Forget about talking through her fears about it with Cal; that wasn't something he was interested in. Not anymore.After the procedure, she had been scared and disoriented from the sedation. For whatever reason, Cal hadn't shown up to give her a ride home. The stupid clinic wouldn't let her leave until someone could drive her home and take care of her. She just sat there getting more and more anxious. Eventually, she called an Uber and begged Xabiib the driver to pretend to be her neighbor; or just someone who cared about her. She spent the ride home trying to say his name correctly while he chuckled and repeated it for her. It was so horrifyingly embarrassing. It's one thing to have no one care about you, but another thing to have the whole world know about it when you were helpless and confused.Tears had rolled down her cheeks and she absently wiped them off with her hand. The young alien sat up and craned his head to look at the liquid on her hand. Karen snorted, "At ease, Holland. It's not poop. You're not getting anything out of me unless you have some heavy-duty magnesium supplements or yogurt."Holland's eyes went wide, "Are humans telepathic???" he gasped. "How did you know my name? Wow, that's so cool! Do it again! What am I thinking about now?"Karen suppressed a smile. Closing her eyes, she pressed her fingers to her temples and swayed from side to side, mysteriously. "I see something; something in the mist; something about; could it be; no, it makes no sense. Is it; a Zen; Zendayan? Does that make any sense to you?" she asked.Holland dropped his curved instrument in shock. "Yes! Yes! We just met them! We negotiated with them for supplies! I was there to carry stuff and; and;” he paused, shrinking in on himself a bit. "They are so beautiful. The Zendayans? So beautiful; and super nice; and just; like wow; I was supposed to just stand there until they were done with the talking and bowing and stuff, but they were just like so beautiful.""Well, what happened?" Karen asked."Captain introduced me and I bowed to them. I was feeling dizzy because, you know, their beautifulness just keeps radiating off them. Then; then; the most beautiful of them; she smiled." Holland stared at nothing, immersed in the memory, then wobbled, tipped over, and lay on the floor staring at the ceiling.Karen bit her lips in amusement. "I see. What did you do then?""I; I; I started talking and then I just couldn't stop because I was just trying to say how beautiful she was and how it just made my mind explode when she smiled and then I might have peed on the floor.""Oh dear," Karen said, cringing in sympathy. "We don't always put forward the face we want to when we are in our feelings, do we?" she said, quietly."Yeah; I've been cleaning poop ever since;” Holland sighed. After a while he sat back up, picked up the curved instrument and began twirling it in his hands. "So, like; what about you? Have you always made horrible noises?" he asked.Karen huffed, but then she saw the oblivious earnestness in Holland's face and sighed. "No; I wasn't always; like this. In fact, until about 30 years ago, I made beautiful noises. I was a pianist," she said."But, wait, they said you were a female;” Holland said, confused."Pee, an, ist," Karen repeated slowly. "I played the piano. It's an instrument; I was a musician. I was a student at Juilliard. It's a school on Earth; it was like a dream to even get in. I was on a scholarship, living in this shoddy apartment with my roommate Dana;” she trailed off, thinking about those days when everything seemed possible."Wait! Are you remembering?" Holland asked, breaking her reverie. "Can I remember it, too? Nobody wants to remember with me ever since the Zendayans, so I'm just left with my own memories and it gets so boring.""What are you talking about?""Well, it's kinda like; um; let me just show you. Computer, scan The Karen and project her memories," Holland ordered. A humming noise filled the room and a beam of light shot out of the wall and passed over her several times. Suddenly, her cell transformed into her shoddy apartment in Newark, New Jersey."Oh my gosh; it's just like it," Karen gasped looking around."Humans dream of getting into this?" Holland said, scrutinizing a cockroach scurrying along the floor."No, silly. This was our apartment across the river. We lived here when we weren't at school. Dana and I moved off campus in our second year. We took jobs on the side through an agency. That was when;” she sat down and a phone in the apartment's bedroom began ringing.A long, pale arm reached out of a pile of blankets on the bed and grabbed the phone. "Hullo?" Dana mumbled. A voice on the phone sounded irate. "Yeah, I'm almost there," she said and hung up.

A slightly briefer mid-week show this week as i gear up for SXSW festival tonight, the live show on Friday AND the Patreon meetup on Saturday (7/6/25) on East London. On tonight's show though: is the reason the world is getting crazier, that we are getting crazier - is that we're all becoming our very own entitled, amped up celebrities? ALSO: Fan-Favourite LEE ANDERSON makes a comeback to the show. He appears confused and forgetful. So we're obviously here to help. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Musk has left the White House. Marjorie Taylor Greene is getting into arguments with bots. We ask the question: at what point do we stop trying to debate people who obv live in a conspiracy-theory, fantasy unreality? AND: the world's worst Nationalist Rock Song erupts onto Instagram. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Putin has "gone crazy!", while Joe Rogan has gone Christian. Farage and Tice have reverted to advertising taxcuts they'd never be able to deliver. And what is the most ridiculous idea for an art exhibit you can think of? DOUBLE IT and feed it steroids. I've got something absolutely MORONIC and it'll make you want to blow your brains out I promise you. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

It's Friday night, it's half-past seven which means it's time for a friday night show. Tonight we're taking a look back at the polls since Starmer went all ENOCH. Was the prediction right? ALSO: Trump and South Africa WTF. And why is Nethanayahu blaming Starmer for his own ridiculousness? And has The Onion's satire simply become the real world? Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Monorail's Richard Tice set the internet ablaze by demanding we do not lose our Brexit Benefits in the new EU/UK trade “reset”. Billionaire David Geffen has SHOCKINGLY not found love in all the wrong places again. And friend of the show LIZ TRUSS BREAKS SILENCE on Minibudget (again) to declare it was all the fault of the evil Bank of England for doing their bloody WOKE MATHS BLACK MAGIC ON HER. This AND the internalised misogyny of Coveteur. ENJOY! Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Keir Starmer has gone all right-wing with his Albania deals and GB News euro-tour cohorts. Diddy is on trial, joining Chris Brown, Gerard Depardeiu and others in becoming men who FALL FROM GRACE, their CAREERS ARE IN TATTERS. Also: we play a new game tonight to highlight the depressing rightward shift of the fabled OVERTON WINDOW. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Keir Starmer's speech has gone down a STORM! If you were looking for a hurricane of disapproval from his own voters and a shrug of indifference from the ones he was hoping to attract. Meanwhile States-side, Trump's overt corruption and ridiculous Trade Deal posturing cannot be matched. Unless Fox News are in the conversation. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Trade Deals and Trump be DAMNED, tonight we're looking at some OTHER nonsense. It's David Beckham's 50th Birthday and there appears to be some beef between his sons. Apparently that's worthy of a front page or five. Meanwhile the CIA, FBI and NCA would like access to your private, personal messages because WHAT IF A CHILD BOTHERS TO GO ON FACEBOOK THESE DAYS. The Morons who cut down the Sycamore Tree should be hanged in the Town Square and FINALLY: A Raccoon Is Busted Smoking Meth. Because America. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Was Diddy brought down by the Deep State Dark Forces MATRIX? Or is he just the one billionaire going to jail for sex offences? Meanwhile Labour continue their limp-dicked campaign of “beating Reform at the debate table” by agreeing with them about everything. AND: Returning Favourite DARREN GRIMES Has Been Back On His Substack - free of the clutches & restrictions of OFCOM, to bring you another floor-jaw'ing scoop. I react appropriately. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

What on EARTH is going on!? Labour have lost the Runcorn By-Election only months after winning with with 50% of the vote. Is there perhaps a better way to try to out-Farage Farage? Meanwhile MAGA have gone nuts. Elon's basically been fired. ALSO: Conspiracy Theories BE DAMNED: Could Integrity's Candace Williams hold the key to Luigi Mangione's freedom? Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

It's another insane week in MAGA. Donald Trump is having to manage the fallout from his own lies designed to soothe the US markets. China are trolling him. Pete Hegseth looks like a dead man walking. Elon Musk responds to Tesla tanking in exactly the way a sociopath would - AND Will Smith is no longer a star. How did THAT happen!? Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

On this mid-week episode - THE 367th EPISODE SPECTACULAR! - we take a look at the news the Hollywood trend for outwardly warning that you're definitely totally leaving the business. ALSO: Sky News journalists get DEEP FAKED. A West London teenager becomes the next Steve Jobs. AND OVER IN AMERICA: Texas have banned Virginia's State flag. Because of course they have. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Chapter 1 - The Departure of BoromirHe turned from the North back again to North, and saw nothing save the distant hills, unless it were that far away he could see again a great bird like an eagle high in the air, descending slowly in wide circles down towards the earth.Q1 - What, if any, symbolism is there with the Eagles?Q2 - Why does Aragorn always shout Elendil?‘Farewell, Aragorn! Go to Minas Tirith and save my people! I have failed.' ‘No!' said Aragorn, taking his hand and kissing his brow. ‘You have conquered. Few have gained such a victory. Be at peace! Minas Tirith shall not fall!' Boromir smiled. ‘Which way did they go? Was Frodo there?' said Aragorn. But Boromir did not speak again.Q3 - What do you think about Boromir's passing?Q4 - Is Aragorn making the right decision?Chapter 2 - The Riders of Rohan‘I think that the enemy brought his own enemy with him,' answered Aragorn. ‘These are Northern Orcs from far away. Among the slain are none of the great Orcs with the strange badges. There was a quarrel, I guess: it is no uncommon thing with these foul folk. Maybe there was some dispute about the road.'Q1 - What do you think their quarrel was about?Q2 - These chapters keep mentioning this West Wind for Gondor…what is that about?Q3 - How tense was this chapter with the chase…Q4 - What is the deal with Saruman poisoning the land or their journey?Gimli rose and planted his feet firmly apart: his hand gripped the handle of his axe, and his dark eyes flashed. ‘Give me your name, horse-master, and I will give you mine, and more besides,' he said. ‘As for that,' said the Rider, staring down at the Dwarf, ‘the stranger should declare himself first. Yet I am named E´omer son of E´omund, and am called the Third Marshal of Riddermark.' ‘Then E´omer son of E´omund, Third Marshal of Riddermark, let Gimli the Dwarf Glo´in's son warn you against foolish words. You speak evil of that which is fair beyond the reach of your thought, and only little wit can excuse you.' E´omer's eyes blazed, and the Men of Rohan murmured angrily, and closed in, advancing their spears. ‘I would cut off your head, beard and all, Master Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground,' said E´omer. ‘He stands not alone,' said Legolas, bending his bow and fitting an arrow with hands that moved quicker than sight. ‘You would die before your stroke fell.'Q5 - Don't insult Galadriel around Gimli.‘Halflings!' laughed the Rider that stood beside E´omer. ‘Halflings! But they are only a little people in old songs and children's tales out of the North. Do we walk in legends or on the green earth in the daylight?'Q6 - What do you think of Eomer and his disbelief that Hobbits are real? Some years ago the Lord of the Black Land wished to purchase horses of us at great price, but we refused him, for he puts beasts to evil use. Then he sent plundering Orcs, and they carry off what they can, choosing always the black horses: few of these are now left. For that reason our feud with the Orcs is bitter.Q7 - So the men of Rohan, have NOT been selling horses to Sauron?Chapter 3 - The Uruk-HaiHe cut the thongs round Pippin's legs and ankles, picked him up by his hair and stood him on his feet. Pippin fell down, and Uglu´k dragged him up by his hair again. Several Orcs laughed. Uglu´k thrust a flask between his teeth and poured some burning liquid down his throat: he felt a hot fierce glow flow through him. The pain in his legs and ankles vanished. He could stand.Q1 - What is this stuff?When he had forced a drink from his flask down the hobbit's throat, cut his leg-bonds, and dragged him to his feet, Merry stood up, looking pale but grim and defiant, and very much alive. The gash in his forehead gave him no more trouble, but he bore a brown scar to the end of his days. ‘Hullo, Pippin!' he said. ‘So you've come on this little expedition, too? Where do we get bed and breakfast?'Q2 - Is Merry going crazy or is he just making Pippen laugh?Q3 - There's an arrow that hits Grishnuk that is guided by fate, the book suggests…what role does fate play in the story so far?

It's the friday night live show, join me once again as we try to make sense of Farage's pivot into Working Class'ville, Harvey Weinstein gets another go at justice, Diddy's got new charges AND more... Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Pop-singer Katy Perry paid a reported $500,000 to go to space and feel at one with a planet that the rocket's owner is destroying. Liz Truss is launching a new Free Speech social app. Because of course she is. And Fox News would like you to consider trade school for your kids while they send theirs to elite tier colleges they claim to despise. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

There's ABJECT CHAOS in Trump-land, Farage is making a pitch for Labour workers in the Steel Works industry. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

The echoes of Trumponomics continue to tear through the world's stock markets. Keir Starmer appears to be the only person in Britain who thinks Donald Trump is our friend. Maybe he has a thing for Bad Boys? ALSO: A Brazilian Televangenlist Preacher is now on the Forbes Rich List above Kim Kardashian. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Labour are continuing to ignore their responsibilities of keeping the far-right at bay. Kemi Badenoch and Drain-Rod Stewart pretended there's a Free Speech problem in the UK. Farage is being exposed for his lates grift. MEANWHILE: AI Downsyndrome Sex Bots Are Taking Over Instagram and OnlyFans. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

On this mid-week episode we wax lyrical about what it's like to appear on LBC, what on earth is going on with Prince Andrew and Virginia Giuffre. Honestly i am VERY confused. And of course a little bit of baseless Free Speech Hysteria from insular minded come outgoing Tory leader, Kemi Badenoch. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

JD Vance has run off to Greenland where he wasn't invited. Marjorie Taylor Greene has gone insane. More so. Trump is an authoritarian snatching people off the streets. Where are the protests? Meanwhile: here in the UK we take a look at former GB News stalwart Dan Wootton. How did he fare in his desire to become a better (?) kind of journalist? Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

It's been about a month since Darren Grimes mutually agreed to leave GB News for unspecified reasons, so we took this opportunity to check-in on him - and see what kind of content he's putting out now that he's unshackled and unleashed. ALSO: i get randomly very depressed. AND Schools in America will shortly be ordered to offer "release time" for students who want to escape education to go study Jesus. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Kemi Badenoch has abandoned Net Zero calling it unachievable. The Labour Party still won't run a Wealth Tax, instead choosing to kill disabled people. The latest in THE WEEK IN MAGA and ALSO: The New York "Mayor" who decided to ignore electoral law, run a coup, fire all the admin staff and do executive orders. Because of course he has. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

It's a GOOD NEWS special from the podcast that normally specialises in all things AWFUL. On tonight's show we look at how well Renewable Energy is doing, we ignore the day's depressing "Moresterity" Cuts bits to instead focus our attention on the uplifting state of Donald Trump's health - and indeed take a LOL at a very awkward Joe Budden podcast encounter between Edith and Kino regarding pre-nup arrangements. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

The UK's Secretary of State for Education, Bridget Phillipson, is going to jump on the urgent strategic industrial education matter of banning your kid from looking at Snapchat on School grounds. Meanwhile Trump's masterclass in Stock Market manipulation continues. MAGA are willing to accept some Presidential corruption now it seems ("BIDEN CRIME FAMILY!"). And MAGA relatives are laughing at their own kids' misfortune now. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Elon Musk's behaviour, conduct and nazi salutes are costing him dearly but don't worry, Donald Trump is right here to essentially advertise Teslas for him and declare boycotting illegal LMFAO. ALSO: Me and the missus RUSH TO HOSPITAL! FUN WEEKEND. GOOD TIMES. ALSO: I venture into the new sport of trolling newly redundant Right-wingers. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

In the U.S., thirty corrections officers are charged with running gladiator fights in a Los Angeles county juvenile detention center - while Donald Trump demands an apology from the Ukraine President for making him look bad. Closer to home: Darren Grimes steps down from GB News and immediately pivots to independent journalist free speech warrior! AND HE NEEDS YOUR HELP! Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

On tonight's FRIDAY NIGHT SHOW we look at the Starmer / Trump love-in, the Media reaction to it, the latest on the Climate Crisis, Suella Braverman's abdication of her Englishness - oh AND the two "Thou Shalt Not Steal" paintings that OF COURSE ended up stolen. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Keir Starmer has announced 2.5% of GDP will be allocated to defence now. Where is he getting the money from? Meanwhile LYING IN POLITICS will not be a criminal offence because people are smart enough to see through it. Allison Pearson is BACK! And so isn't Love Island for the over-40s. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Donald Trump and Elon Musk have gone insane. Liz Truss isn't much better. Meanwhile Wes Streeting is being ridiculous and informs the latest Right-wing loony trait: The Recreational Nightmare. ALSO: two guys get charged with shooting drugs into a Louisiana Jail WITH A CANNON. I'M NOT JOKING. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Imagine being a young, TORY woman of colour who FINALLY shows them all that you CAN make it. You've only gone and become the bloody leader of the Conservative Party! BUT it turns out to be right at this time/place, just as the whole thing implodes. Absolute f*cking LOL m8. Poisoned chalice? Peter Principle? Anyway, tonight we discuss that AND the Brazilian Mayor José Aprígio da Silva who allegedly faked his own shooting to gain sympathy before losing the Taboão da Serra (on the outskirts of São Paulo) election anyway.

Trump has given away chunks of Ukraine to Putin, Richard Tice has been chatting with the public to mixed results. And Prince Andrew - FRIEND OF THE SHOW - is having a spot of bother again. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Labour are slowly morphing into a Right-wing party to appease the Reform voters. Meanwhile people like me are deserting them. ALSO: a man is set to lose his $760m of Bitcoin when a rubbish dump turns into a solar farm. And a British couple die in suspicious circumstances in the South of France. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Grenfell's getting demolished, DEI is toast, Musk's gone insane - and so have I at the visage of my nursery refusing to take my daughter for the day. Again. Join me now as we try to make sense of it all. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

My internet went out and my decency disappeared. Meanwhile the Grammies made an absolute arse out of itself. Oh, also: i tell the story of how i almost became the biggest band in the world. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Trump's America becomes even more ludicrous and sociopathic than we'd imagined to date. Labour want to save the planet will killing it. And a Priest succumbs to his most primal and godly urges. It's enough to send you flying off to the Gulf Of America. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Hullo, children! Hullo! Welcome back to Uncle Max, Uncle Mike; Uncle Movies. Are you sitting comfortably? Good! This week in our “Remember! You Asked For It!” series, we've got a question from young Julie O'Malley who wants to know all about “The Fifth Element.” Well, Julie, you must be the smartest one in your class! … Continue reading "Episode 321 – The Fifth Element (1997)"

It's a Friday night live show and we're talking about Donald Trump's first week, the imminent collapse of Thames Water, the depressing state of the UK Labour Party - and a new anti-wanking law in Mississippi. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Donald Trump is President again. Elon Musk is doing Nazi Salutes YES WE CAN CALL THEM NAZI SALUTES ACTUALLY. ALSO: Nobody's buying champagne anymore and tonight i discuss going out when you're in your forties. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Tonight we take a look at the latest embarrassment from Brewdog's James Watt. Mike Graham has billboarded his own bellendry again. Oh, and we go straight to the front line of political deep fakery - in Minnessota, U.S. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

It's the mid-week show. Reform are inching ahead in the polls. The Right Honourable Tulip Siddiq has resigned from her role as anti-corruption minister in the Treasury. Just don't ask what for. And Donald Trump may still be a Russian asset. Let's talk about it. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Starmer's still getting mauled, Wes Streeting is failing to inspire confidence, LA Wildfires are raging - and the dude he shot up the Pizzagate Parlour just got shot-up himself. Just another week on this TOTALLY NORMAL PLANET. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Zuckerberg is cozying up to Trump. Starmer is still pretty much "limpotent" to global and domestic Alt Right forces. The Tate Bros are back. And a woman in Ohio drove to Vegas and left her kids in a freezing car and I GET IT. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Elon Musk is spending his New Years watching Tommy Robinson videos while Floridians attempt to get around the Pornhub ban. ALSO: A.I. deepfakes take another terrifying leap forward. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Christmas is over, you've managed to fight the temptation to throw your Uncle Paul through the patio doors over that argument you had in 1997 that you never quite found closure on. Meanwhile in news-land there's mysterious drones/orbs floating over New Jersey and Trump is about to invade Canada. Here are some links i really hope you click: Patreon

Hullo! Just a short announcement confirming the post mortem for anyone who isn't subscribed to our socials or our patreon newsletter--but I DO think you should do that hitting join for free right here! Our Palisade post-mortem WILL be streaming tonight over at twitch.tv/friendsatthetable! And here are some things I'm copying and pasting from our last post that you might be interested in :)  To celebrate our anniversary, we're doing a giveaway!! You can enter into the giveaway by going to https://tinyurl.com/fatt10 Armor Astir: Advent, the game we played for the majority of Palisade will be on kickstarter to produce physical copies soon! Go to https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/weregazelle/armour-astir-advent-hardback-edition  to sign up for an announcement on when the campaign goes live! In addition to our upcoming anniversary celebration, fans have organized something as well... a dedicated zine to Seasons of Hieron! You can find more information about that here: https://hieronzine.carrd.co/