Rivertales: A Riverdale Podcast

We recap Season 7, Episode 20 of Riverdale “Goodbye, Riverdale” in which we discuss the final of Riverdale! We get into the uncalley vanny, being young and beautiful, doing Reggie clean, the quad of it all, Jughead dropping death announcements, the return of Chic, the “art” exhibit, grandma acting, referencing Cats 2019, and our ranking of all of the Riverdale seasons! Thanks for listening!

We recap Season 7, Episode 19 of Riverdale “The Golden Age of Television” in which we discuss having a threesome with your dad, bad innuendos, how Riverdale is a theme park, coincidentally having a screenplay for The Comet, Choni being the only endgame, breaking your brain saying #ManCrushMonday, and Jughead watching Cocomelon.

We recap Season 7, Episode 18 of Riverdale “For a Better Tomorrow” in which we discuss how Archie loves knots, Ethel marrying Boss Baby, Jughead's photoshoot with the palladium bomb, having Stranger Things vibes, candelabras coming in handy, Duck and Cover for homeschooled kids, and remember to Turn That Turtle Up!

We recap Season 7, Episode 17 of Riverdale “A Different Kind of Cat” in which we discuss doing a boudoir photoshoot for your manifesto, Confessions of a Teenage Daughter of Teenage America, Betty being the original Fabio, contemplating if Riverdale has gotten trashier, the hallway scene repeats itself again, the town with hep, and a desire for the good old days of dance battles.

We recap Season 7, Episode 16 of Riverdale “Stag” in which we discuss possibly the worst episode we've ever covered, try to decipher the “story” happening, life experience coming in many forms, being horny with your bro while watching the sunrise, and how watching Glee will turn you gay.

We recap Season 7, Episode 15 of Riverdale “Miss Teen Riverdale” in which we discuss how the Gettysburg address is boring, getting a referral bonus for the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, hanging your self portrait in the Guggenheim, seducing your friend's dad, Evelyn spinning plates, drinking milk being sus, and two Demi Lovato references.

We recap Season 7, Episode 14 of Riverdale “Archie the Musical” in which we discuss the musical and all of its flaws, successes, and questionable plot choices.

We recap Season 7, Episode 13 of Riverdale, The Crucible” in which we discuss Jughead getting dipsy doodled, Cheryl throwing shade at the show itself, the return pf so many guest appearances, the Turtles getting into full measures, Fernefit 541, and a game of Disney, Nickelodeon, or Cartoon Network kid.

We recap Season 7, Episode 12 of Riverdale, “After the Fall” in which we discuss the sister we hate with the crimped hair, a kissy little hand movement, zaddy with a z, being a bro for life in Keyona's bedroom, an underaged “burleshque” show, the extent of our sports knowledge, and a game of… Rhyme Game!

We recap Season 7, Episode 11 of Riverdale, “Halloween II” in which we discuss putting the ween back in Halloween, getting drip milk straight from the teet, sexualizing Goldilocks, Riverdale's take on the Great Depression, alphas and sigmas, a bleak burlesque show, and we play a game of Rank the Zaddies.

We recap Season 7, Episode 10 of Riverdale, “American Graffiti” in which we discuss car guys and horse girls, overkill on the 50's slang, not reading books, homoerotic car metaphors, serial killers and milk, and the absolute erasure of Coop the Riverdale Cat.

We recap Season 7, Episode 9 of Riverdale, “Betty and Veronica Double Digest” in which we discuss sexualizing a high GPA, the return of the bobby pin, Lolita spoilers, unmothering your cat, Veronica capitalizing on her vehicular manslaughter, hate purchasing our merch, grumpy Cheryl, Smithers and Alice's backstory, and using AI to write our gay fanfiction.

We recap Season 7, Episode 8 of Riverdale, “Hoop Dreams” we discuss our extensive knowledge of basketball, Tabitha sending her homework via carrier pigeon, our favorite candy MargarineThumb, Betty's strange trajectory, those bridge trolls you go to high school with, and bros transcending timelines.

We recap Season 7, Episode 7 of Riverdale, “Dirty Dancing” we discuss getting called a peach, hating Julian, getting dizzy, Archie being oblivious, and the milkman cliffhanger. AND!!!! check out our new merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/rivertales/explore?asc=u&page=1&sortOrder=recent

We recap Season 7, Episode 6 of Riverdale, “Peep Show” we discuss when the gold rush was, how Skeet was just a twink before Riverdale, Riverdale being on the forefront of the Writer's Strike, Turtle Radar is pricked, lending panties to your friend, Archie worming on the ground, gawking in the window, and giving Barbara Wallace her flowers.

We recap Season 7, Episode 5 of Riverdale, “Tales in a Jugular Vein” we discuss Troy Bolton's practice sessions, the truth behind Fubo, Cheryl filming tickle porn on a crank camera, coffee before a threesome, and a game of 50's slang.

We recap Season 7, Episode 4 of Riverdale, “Love and Marriage” in which we discuss the slang we know, Kevin's romance developing in the dark room, Midge using her pregnancy as a fame gimmick, giraffe ovulation, the 50's not being so easy breezy, Toni being a mythical enigma, and double the Curdle double the Turtle.

We recap Season 7, Episode 3 of Riverdale, “Sex Education” in which we discuss getting Midge'd, milk subscription boxes, a jungle sex dream, Kevin doing mime work, Betty learning what a boner is from a book, Lizzo being a new character, the Kissing Chair, and Veronica Weekend at Bernie's-ing her aunt.

We recap Season 7, Episode 2 of Riverdale, “Skip, Hop and Thump!” in which we discuss dancing to Barbie Girl in a mat fort, Archie's mom's new name, the Smithers and Archie romance we've been waiting for, Twilight: New Moose, the difficulty surrounding the title of the episode, Toni accumulating so many rotten eggs, Garfield changing history, and Betty being inconsolably horny.

We're back!! In the premiere of this 50's episode we talk about getting deep and machismo, alluding to the orgy episode, Jughead being Samurai Jack, the return of Mr. Turtle, being useless, and hot dog AND hamburger?? It's more likely than you think.

It's been so long since our last episode, in preparation for the newest season we decided to do a little catch up/predict how we think this season will go. From kissing gay guys to hairspraying beehives, this season is sure to be full of surprises!

It's all ships on this episode despite there being a lingering comet of doom, plus we discuss Betty's aura powers, hot Titanic takes, Big Anthony, NASA's involvement in the end of the world, not a peep about Jason, learning about melting comets through the power of books, putting souls in a jar, apocali, and a game of Mad Libs!

It's the big battle (questionable), and we're all here to talk about the Holy Grail full of black goo, time bubbles, Ponytail Playtime Doll Playset, Ghost Train flop, severed heads on ice, Bingo coming in clutch, mannequin Reggie, a love story between Dr. Curdle Jr and adult Baby Anthony, the Ghoulies being a Pokemon villain team, and we ask the big question of "what's a cuck?"

In this episode we talk about the Blossoms' body swapping saga that doesn't make sense, the Dark Julia Roberts vehicle, Eat. Spellcast. Hate. Jughead having portal powers from reading a single book, cosmic reasons, hell mounds (?), Big Ethel Energy, pee-colored auras, and remember to never stop giving up.

In this episode Keyona finally has her breaking point, we ship Reggie's marionette with the Julien doll, looking up foley sound effects for hidden reasons, Percival's magic stick, Sabrina being too busy for the first two days, the four simple steps for becoming a Witchy Girlboss, how this whole series could be a prequel to the Gilmore Girls, angry DJ motions, Betty not getting into Heaven because she's harlotting about, and a lazy phoenix metaphor.

In this episode we discuss Nana Rose having a clever solve for her own death, Veronica being in her annoying era, this episode basically ripping-off Veggie Tales, the Pop's burger being a temptation fruit, the morality of killing Percival, an embarrassing rendition of Ladies Who Lunch, and a game where we recount all of the CW shows cancelled after one season.

We're starting out calm before things get chaotic with some Riverdale ASMR, and then jump into the important subplot of Tabitha eating popcorn, Cheryl's creepy painting, Keyona's original labor anthem, including a Pirate's Cove at the convention, Betty's powers not coming in handy at all, Kevin having good knife-ography, Veronica's good advice being a sign her next episode will be a complete disaster, playing the harp at car shows, how TBK won American Idol, and Sam remembers the existence of American Psycho 2 starring Mila Kunis.

In this episode we drink blue Gatorade, discuss Jughead's hat being canonically queer, Keyona being a writer on the show, Baby Anthony (aka Baby Tooth) being the heart and soul and spirit of Riverdale, Dialysis Girl and the Boring Twins, Dr. Drank, the logic of Veronica's trauma powers, prisoner gogo dancing, and a game of how we would spend our Veronica Dollars.

In this episode we talk about how Juniper and Dagwood should not be shipped together, more evidence the Riverdale team listens to our podcast, how hair touching can be sexual, witchcraft being an allegory for lesbianism, Coop being denied an appearance on the show, the GHOST. TRAIN… how Percival is Dark Tom Hanks in the Polar Express, Betty's power becoming shooting good vibes, and play a game of Jughead or Emo Band.

In this episode we talk about Cheryl randomly using a Magic 8 Ball, how nothing is ever played for laughs, Penelope vanishing yet again, Archie's irresistible butthole, Betty not using her powers, genius product placement editing, KJ Apa letting loose, Veronica girlbossing her way through her business meeting, and how if Jason knew how to crimp better Polly wouldn't have gotten pregnant.

In this episode we talk about how logic wins, Bingo not fulfilling Archie's happiness, looking up Percival/Kevin content, plot holes involving library books, Percival's time traveling powers, the return of Crispy Jason, Betty using essential oils to clean her bathroom, and Glee having the best classical music.

In this episode, we talk about Minnesotan accents, whisperings of sex, Zoom fog, prepaid minutes on your phone, unpacking Archie's narcissism, wondering how much a baby is, shooting people to activate their trauma powers, and a game of Riverdale writer's room (product placement edition)..

We're more zen in this episode talking about time travel powers caused by trauma, John Henry, Tabitha being the actual pure heart of Riverdale, some murky fascist undertones, Kevin's stache looking good, Betty's totem being a bobby pin, Pops' Y2K eyebrows, how Riverdale is just turning into Charmed, and a blink and you'll miss it revelation caught live on mic.

We are fired up this episode as we bring up Katy Keene yet again, Spontaneous Human Combustion, Gilmore Girls entering the Riverdale universe, the return of Veronica's blonde wig, a Birdbox reference in 2022, trauma and puberty creating superpowers, everybody having a friend with all the answers, and where is all the palladium?

In this week's episode we have completely abandoned TBK's storyline, Percival selling Girl Scout Cookies, Veronica writing out her lines ahead of time, our new group name: The Powerpuff Girls, Elaine's mystery snack, Abigail using the Internet, wondering why Kevin suddenly wants to be a dad, how being held at gunpoint by your mind controlled lover is romantic, the logic of Jughead's powers, and Percival is… from England.

n this episode we talk about the Cole Sprouts GQ interview, Penelope maybe being dead, Mommie Dearest references, Kevin and Jason fighting for more than 10 lines, Cheryl's dreamscape logic, Archie's Kiwi goblin inner voice, being gaslit into forgetting about TBK's storyline, everyone having a colonial backstory, Veronica's millisecond character arch, Percival being a literal ghost, and we pay tribute to our dearly departed Earl.

In this episode we talk about hamburgers being kryptonite, Kevin being a mime, a confusing sniper chain, another Doritos placement, being cavalier about dismemberment, a failed guess at TBK's identity, a pro-dog fighting moment, and Jughead's Live Laugh Love.

We're finally back after 3 months without Riverdale and boy does this one deliver! We've got explosions, witchery, hearing loss, gang violence, superheroes, palladium, and evil twins? We also talk about how much money we would spend on Riverdale DVDs, plus a game of KJ Apa is a Weirdo!

A crazy meta episode with so much going including alternate universe names, a tangent about Noah Centeneo, yet again predicting the storyline, David Archetty, kissing your doppelgänger, Vughead being “canon” (barf), questioning if the Reggie's kiss, needing energy to kill your son, and the craziest deus ex machina ever conceived that led to us losing our minds.

In this double feature episode we talk about Chowsy Cheddars being an orphan, the disappointing Sabrina cameo, Betty's love language being stabbing, an hour-long Marry the Night performance, Cheryl's immortal life not making any sense, how the Rivervale universe has an impenetrable logic, the writer's room being a bunch of kindergartners, no one being able to read contracts, and a soup-er fun game of Soup, Salad, or Breadstick.

From the looks of this episode it seems like someone on the writing staff has a bone to pick with women, but we also talk about going to the doctor for a wet handprint, ghosteses, Dagwood gets a line, getting a neck rub from a demon, confessing you love someone after moving in together, somehow aliens making more sense now, and we guess who's gonna die next.

We're back in an alternate reality known as Rivervale! Where the D's are replaced with V's! In this episode we talk about Jughead being Shaggy, how we were born in the darkness, Dr. Curdle tells you you're infertile, how to reverse a curse from crushing spiders, Elaine and Sam lose their minds over the sapling plan, the precious and necessary resource of maple syrup, immediate infertility tests, going up and down the produce aisle, Veronica's new term: “make it.” And a surprise call from Keyona's brother, Dalton.

In this finale episode we talk about ordering your Falice merch, everyone being horny, how Dolly Parton might be the Trash Bag KIller, making up headlines for the Lodge Ledger, how palladium is the fifth element, Kevin being a New York influencer, what we would bring to threaten Hiram, palladium milkshakes, Nana Rose being the queen of withholding information, Betty's family tree, Cheryl being mad as hell for no reason, Veronica's obviously bad casino, Hermosa continuing to be unnecessary, Cheryl being in a MLM, the trailer for the Lim Manuel Remamba movie, just one character being a witch, and our predictions for next season!

It's the surprise musical episode nobody asked for! Veronica gets turned on by the DOW, there's some erotic Archie/Hiram fan fiction, whoosh sound effects, Cheryl Baby playing chess in front of the fire, we settle on a ship name for Toni and Fangs, Jugitha's increasing lead in the ship department, and our new favorite character, Belly.

This jam-packed episode contains content such as the Mac and Cheese Killer, getting paid for mining through a payment app, Keyona being objectively right, Archie fighting Captain America style, some clarity on the rules of Cheryl's religion, Hiram continues to be a Silly Cartoon Little Bitch, the return of Lergan Loman, and a detailed headcanon about Jughead seducing Junkyard Santa.

In this week's episode we get into Cheryl's performance for Riverdale's Got Talent, helicopter ride shares, the big dogs doing jingle jangle, the Wall Beat Journal, a symbolic trench, how Keyona needs that crimp, and a segment where we just name things that are made of metal!

It's the return of Josie and her Pussycats we've been clamoring for! Plus we discuss an over abundance of unrelated musical sequences, our failed attempt at a stan name for Tabitha, Keyona boycotting Old Navy, fake milk, and who is Dad, who is Father, and who is Daddy?

On this week's tryptic episode we see some slight Sabrina crossover, find out somehow everyone knows about the palladium mine now, Betty workshopping her new musical numbers with her hostage, a fat book, Hot Jughead Winter, and find a way to bring up Katy Keene yet again all while freaking out over a truly convoluted and gross side plot that did not need to happen.

In this week‘s episode we do not get into dog trauma, but we do talk about Archie's pretty new brass knuckles, pouring beer on your plants, starting the Emmy campaign for Coop the Riverdale Cat, casual cape walking, getting baptized in vodka, and imaging Jason doing The Shoot.

It's the Hiram Lodge origin story you've been clamoring for! Complete with terrible first drafts for names, uncomfortable casting choices, and a discussion on the validity of the alien storyline. Plus a fun game of Would You Hiram?

It's been 4 million years since the hiatus and we're ready to get into our lack of knowledge about popcorn brands, eating drug-laced fries, the threat of a superhero crossover, rotisserie chicken corpses, Australian opals, and our first audience member special guest, boyfriend Billy!