Deliver The Profile

The second episode of Evolution Season 2 introduces an unsub called The Zookeeper. (Hence the episode title "The Zookeeper".) Those wishing for Kevin James will be sorely disappointed, because it's a different fat guy altogether. Voit continues to (pretend to?) be simple, Rossi makes promises he can't keep, and at the end SOMEONE DIES. Other than the unsub. It's a thrilling hour of television if you've never seen television before.

We're crossing the streams with a Deliver the Profile/Thrawnderdome coproduction! Speaking of referencing other, more famous media, Ronnie and Daniel discuss Joss Whedon's ill-starred X-Men ripoff superhero ensemble drama HBO-to-Tubi original series The Nevers. Sparkless writing, dodgy special effects, weak load-bearing premises, behind the scenes disgrace, The Nevers had it all! So how did it go so wrong? With two preeminent scholars of garbage television on the case, answers can't be far behind!

NEW SEASON! NEW SEASON! NEW SEASON ALERT! That means the Boys are knee deep in Evolution; "Swimmer's Calculus" is about a drowning unsub. Voit is also recovering from his stabbing at the end of last season. Tyler Green doesn't get to have a gun. All that and a trigger warning makes for a definite hour of television.

It's the last episode of Deliver The Profile...until the new season of Criminal Minds, that is. Don't think you got off that easily, kids. In "The Forever People" the BAU uncovers a cult that freezes people to do...something. Walt Disney? Ted Williams? Whatever. Also, JJ relives her torture from last season by hallucinating guys and getting aggressive during boxing.

In "A Place at the Table" the BAU have to solve a dinner massacre by interviewing suspects and finding out who is the most sus. Is it the son's boyfriend, the daughter's boyfriend, or DILLON? Meanwhile, Hotch runs afoul of an elderly man as he is tasked with taking care of his infirm and Alzheimer's riddled father-in-law, played by Ed Asner. It's all that and a lot of stupid shit this week on Deliver The Profile.

Ever wanted to know Garcia's origin story? Too bad, you're hearing it anyway. In "The Black Queen", Garcia must regress to her past persona to help solve a case of someone killing prostitutes and the computer world is involved somehow. In the midst of this we get to meet Garcia's ex-boyfriend, aka the worst person alive. (Worse than Nicholas Brendon!) Come for the origin, stay for Jeffrey Combs. Is he the unsub? Would Criminal Minds ever be that predictable?

Deliver The Profile takes on the apocalypse in "The Bunker", wherein somebody's kidnapping women based on the...proximity to the doomsday clock? That can't be right. Yet it is, and it results in one of the dumbest episodes ever, with some of the dumbest dialogue ever. Wait for it and you'll know.

Jazz is back in the saddle to discuss "The Witness", a Season 11 'winner' in which a guy unleashes a sarin gas attack on a Los Angeles bus and framing someone for it. He almost gets away with it too. Listen to Ronnie and Jazz tear apart Criminal Minds' attempt at homaging Arlington Road same DTP time, same DTP channel.

Daniel Daughhetee takeover fortnight concludes with a look at "Hero Worship", a bomb of a bombing episode that sees a man rescue a pregnant woman from sheer doom and then face a bombing of his own. Who is this man, and what does a dead troop living room shrine have to do with anything? All this and the Thrawnderdome banter you've grown to know and love.

Daniel appears on DTP for the 8th (!) time as we discuss "Perennials", a Season 8 episode of the show broadly about a guy killing people reborn into other people. Yes, reincarnation. How long before the BAU tracks down ghosts and goblins? Well, Ghost Whisperer's Jennifer Love Hewitt DOES enter in Season 10...

In "Amelia Porter", a bunch of dumb shit happens and the Criminal Minds crew loosely adapts the real life horrific crimes of Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka. Poorly, of course. More importantly, though, Hotch cut those strings loose and is now a swinging bachelor, ready to get down and fuck. All because Beth's actress was gonna be on Prodigal Son or something.

What do you get when you combine the JFK assassination, a guy getting Todd Mulcahy'd and memory palaces? You get "Final Shot", a Season 9 Criminal Minds that is pretty bad even by Criminal Minds standards. 

Beyond Borders time. In "Lost Souls" come for the reductive trip to Tanzania by way of Los Angeles, stay for the cartoon animals. Ronnie is dosed on Valium so don't expect the highest energy performance. What do you expect, it's a show too racist for the Trump Administration.

The promised Kraven the Hunter podcast is finally here, as Ronnie and Jazz provide an epitaph for the Sony Spider-Man Minus Spider-Man Cinematic Universe in what may be its worst installment yet.

Ronnie and Jazz discuss the smash box office hit Sonic the Hedgehog 3, featuring Keanu Reeves as Shadow the Hedgehog and Jim Carrey as multiple Robotniks.

The boys discuss Season 10's "Lockdown" and mostly talk about how much they miss Oz.

Here it is: Criminal Minds' effort to interpret creepypasta in "Hashtag". Who is the Mirror Man? If your photo has him poorly Photoshopped onto it are you marked for death? Find out in one of the dumbest Criminal Minds yet. You might recognize the line "fear this, mirror bitch" from the show's opening theme!

A real humdinger of an episode this week with "All That Remains", a show so memorable Ronnie thought the podcast had already covered it. But actually there's a lot going for it: Ken Olin (thirtysomething) wakes up to find his daughters missing...on the anniversary of his wife's disappearance. Is he the culprit? Probably. Or is someone framing him for the crimes? Probably not, but keep in mind this show is really, really stupid.

Lois & Clark superfan Chris Ludovici (Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie) joins Ronnie on the podcast today as they discuss "Risky Business", perhaps one of the most maliciously stupid episodes of Criminal Minds. The BAU is called in to investigate suicides that are actually the culprit of a choking website compels kids in nowheresville Wyoming to choke themselves competitively. Why would someone make such a website and how does it work? Ronnie and Chris discuss that and other topics, as talking about Criminal Minds for too long is hazardous for one's health.

Guest shots guest shots guest shots. This time Ronnie is joined by Daniel Daughhetee (Thrawnderdome) to talk about "Empty Planet", an episode about a serial bomber whose bombings are based on obscure sci-fi literature. Who better to decode this nonsense than sci-fi nerd Daniel Daughhetee? Along the way we recommend some actual good stuff and explain why Daniel prefers Joe Mantegna to Mandy Patinkin.

JJ takes a stalking case personally--is it because she's a girl or is there some other culprit? We learn in this episode that the bicep is the penis equivalent for network television and Ronnie recounts his disastrous viewing of My Date With Drew, a real horror show. Also, Rossi and Hotch are letting the kids handle stalking as they interview a battered woman. It's real Grade A stuff.

The boys discuss the final ever until the next one Venom movie, The Last Dance. Yes, Venom dances, so really the title lives up to its promise. What else does Venom 3 have? More symbiotes, more MCU actors in non-MCU roles, a Maroon 5 song, a road trip that doesn't really go anywhere and, of course, SILLY VOICES. Listen as Ronnie and Jazz talk for more than the length of the actual movie about how you're a loser and a sucker if you like these things about Tom Hardy having a "bromance" with Spider-Man's laundry. Oops, sorry, can't mention Spider-Man. Venom is somebody's old laundry, okay?

Not a dream! Not a hallucination! Not an imaginary story! Deliver The Profile's victory lap culminates in revisiting two series from the show's past: Manimal and Night Man. They're back, and they're together, in the Night Man episode "Manimal". No description of the insanity that unfolds will do it justice so why don't you click the play button and hear it for yourself?

Ronnie and Jazz spend nearly two hours dissecting the one, the only Road House. The ONLY Road House. When fat and tough were indistinguishable, a bouncer's natural enemy was a John Cassavetes staple, and Sam Elliott was a hard trodden 45 year old. Play us out, Jeff Healey Band!

Here it is, it's finally here: the season finale of Criminal Minds: Evolution Part Deux. Who will live? Who will die? Whose fate will be called into question despite the fact that we know no principal cast member is going to die at this juncture? In "Save The Children", the Gold Stars kidnap Prentiss and it's up to Voit the serial killer to help the team find her. Ronnie and Jazz are just glad it's over. For now. Tune in next week for Deliver The Profile Guest Shots.

Ronnie and Jazz discuss the penultimate episode of Season 17, "Stars and Stripes", the new Crow movie (which bombed so badly it's already out of theatres by the time this description is being written), Glover and more. "Stars and Stripes" introduces new villains such as "pedophile mercenary" and "black girl who's shot in the head almost immediately". It's almost over.

Scandalous! In one of the shortest podcasts in years, Ronnie and Jazz dissect "North Star", episode 8 of this bullshit season 17. Rossi and Gideon's ex-wife kiss! Something happens to Damien! We meet Voit's lawyer, and he's played by a Shield alum! You'll find out why this podcast is under an hour because that's about all there is to this episode.

It's episode 300, something neither of the hosts recognized while recording, so prepare to be disappointed if you're expecting fanfare. What do we have? Well, there's a guy melting dudes in his basement. You know shit is real when the episode begins with a "Viewer discretion is advised" screen. What else happens? Oh yeah, convicted felon Felicity Huffman joins the show as Mandy Patinkin's ex-wife! We're 17 years in and introducing long dead characters' exes, we've hit rock fucking bottom.

JJ and Prentiss get high in "Message in a Bottle", one of the dumbest hours this show has ever delivered us. Not since "Eyes Wide Shut" has marijuana been portrayed so poorly. But at least there's other plot, such as Tyler running afoul of an ex-girlfriend and David Rossi cleaning a gun.

Jazz is sick (again), explaining the delay in the DTP spigot. Fear not, though, the boys are back and ready to talk about "Conspiracy vs. Theory", the halfway point of Season 17 of Criminal Minds. Psycho Pete returns, Voit joins some sort of Suicide Squad, Politico cares about Paget Brewster beating up Paul F. Tompkins, and Ronnie finds a new favorite character. He also explains what Quibi is to Jazz and why exactly we're not living in a Quibi-run universe right now.

Eyes are still being taken out in "Kingdom of the Blind", episode 4 of the interminable slog that is Criminal Minds: Evolution: Season 2. This time the enucleator draws little tattoos on herself after committing the act, like Mr. Zsasz. Unlike Mr. Zsasz, nobody even approaching Alan Grant or Norm Breyfogle's talent level is working on this shit. Also, Sicarius meets with his family and Prentiss is bailed out of jail by a Rossi who's still talking to Head Sicarius. Christ almighty.

Remember when Voit whispered something to Alvez and it pissed him off something fierce? Well, we find out what it is and it involves porn. Of the BAU. Rossi steamrolling Elle Greenaway while Reid wanks off in the corner. Presumably. There's also a guy who kills people on moving day. As someone who's moved multiple times in their life, being murdered would be a fine respite from moving day. "Homesick" just has Ronnie and Jazz homesick for the greener pastures of regular Criminal Minds, where at least this garbage would get resolved within 40 minutes.

They said it couldn't be done. Yes, it's TWO Criminal Minds recaps in one podcast! Ronnie and Jazz burned the midday oil for YOU, the listener, so YOU could be up to date on the comings and goings of the BAU in Season 17: Evolution 2: Electric Boogaloo. Sicarius the serial killer is in custody, Director Richard Schiff (now regenerated into looking like Clark Gregg) wants to make a deal with him, and all the while a guy or guys or girl named Gold Star is out killing, removing eyes and otherwise causing a ruckus. Will the details of Sicarius' deal with the FBI result in a lot of low grade Hannibal Lecter ripoff bullshit? You bet your ass. Of all the 584 episodes of Criminal Minds, "Gold Star" and "Contagion" are definitely some of them. Join the boys on this adventure to streaming hell, won't you?

Send in the clowns! Yes, Virginia, Criminal Minds did a fucking clown episode, and it's spectacular. Or stupid. One of those. A clown is killing men and leaving the kids alone, reversing the Pennywise paradigm popularized in Stephen King's child pornography book. What results is a cautionary tale about the death of the American Dream as it pertains to clowning. "The Capilanos" is a load of Italian nonsense, 40 minutes of two brothers who have to resort to crime because they've been blacklisted from the world of carnivals, circuses, rodeos and birthday parties. Matthew Gray Gubler directs, because why wouldn't he. Ronnie and Jazz try to make sense of it all as the countdown to Season 17 trudges on.

Gubler Month continues with "Alchemy", a not very subtle episode that depicts different kinds of grief. One kind kills men in some ill-fated fertility experiment. The other involves dancing inside your own mind.

This week: child abduction! Sparkle Motion from Donnie Darko and Bud Cort take kids from carnivals and do...something to them. Not what you think, though! Also: Ann Cusack overcomes  a drinking problem and Morgan acts like a dick. "Mosley Lane", everyone! Directed by the Gube himself.

In "Cradle to Grave", some guy is forcing women to bear his child in a sexual dungeon. Just as important is Hotch training Morgan to take his job now that he's too Reaper-spooked to do it effectively. Season 5, y'all.

In "The Replicator", the Replicator finally stands revealed. Is it disappointing? You better BELIEVE IT.

This week Hotch has to bail his shitbag brother out of trouble as he's involved in some tainted wine scandal. Look, the only reason we're doing "Brothers Hotchner" is it leads directly into the Season 8 finale that botches the Replicator overarching storyline. Get ready for a lot of eye bleeding.

The Replicator "saga" kicks into high gear with "Carbon Copy", a case about a guy killing nurses and removing their eyelids...replicating the very signature of the blood painting guy from last episode. Zugs get zwanged, Scott Grimes shows up and Criminal Minds proves that the wrongly accused are just criminals that haven't committed crimes yet. All that and more in an all-new DELIVER THE PROFILE!

Leap into Season 8 with "Magnum Opus", an episode about Reid grieving his fake phone girlfriend getting real murdered by Dawn from Buffy the best way he knows how: by solving a serial case that may or may not involve a vampire. All the team knows is somebody in San Francisco is killing people, draining their blood and cutting off their eyelids. Will Reid & Morgan Meet Dracula or is it something dumber? Listen to find out.

To Season 7 we go with "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy", which is about a mass suicide at a military academy run by the guy who played Odo on Star Trek. There's some bullying involved, but surprisingly no child molestation, so credit to Criminal Minds. This one is loose so buckle in!

Bustin' makes me feel vaguely depressed! Ronnie and Jazz suffer through the fifth Ghostbusters movie, which has like five jokes in it. Why is there a talking ghost girl, and why are the ramifications of that swept aside in favor of an undercooked lesbian coming of age subplot? Does Bill Murray actively want to die every moment he's on screen? Why did EVERYONE relocate to New York City? It's a stupid movie for stupid people. Enjoy listening to the boys try to tear it apart without falling asleep.

Season 14 is over...for now. "Sick and Evil" is about haunted houses, a woman heavily invested in her Maine town's "lore" (don't CALL IT THAT), and Rossi still smarts from getting his ass kicked by the Chameleon. More slop from the CBS trough that your inteprid hosts have to pore through for the sake of comedy. What a world.

In "Ashley", misbegotten main character Ashley Seaver does NOT return. Instead it's some missing child Season 14 bullshit. Ah, c'est la vie.

Season 14 rolls on with "Twenty Seven", an episode about machete murders in DC that occur every 27 minutes. Is it stupid or is someone trying to make a dumbass point? Both! Meanwhile, Prentiss gets the least charismatic love interest ever. Good thing we cover these out of order so we already know this romance ultimately goes nowhere. MENDOZA!!!!! (That's his name, not just a Simpsons reference.)

It's time to stare at the sun, by which we mean return to watching Sony's Spider-Man without Spider-Man movies. 

I guess the episode title spoils the twist. Oops. Otherwise it's a pretty typical Criminal Minds episode, which is to say it's not good. And there's a Garcia subplot. Why even live anymore.

Season 14 slog continues on with "Rule 34", which, yes, we get it. It's terrible but we get it. Somebody is sending body parts in the mail to random women and if you guessed a predatory homosexual was behind it, congratulations. Also, one of Simmons' 17 kids gets in trouble at school and who could possibly care. It's another week in the mines for your boys at Deliver The Profile.

In Season 14's "Starter Home" a young couple finds mummified bodies in their walls. This looks like a job for the BAU! Joe Mantegna and the gang unwrap a tedious tale of teen rebellion, arrested development, undelivered mail and more. Also, Joe Mantegna sees if his ex-wife's daughter's new boyfriend is a serial killer or not. You'll be pleasantly surprised to find out which it is.

In "Safe Haven", apparently you can drop off anybody under 18 at a hospital in Nebraska and they just have to deal with it. That plus Morgan has to deal with a nine year old who scammed her way across America. Criminal Minds was running on fumes even by Season 6, folks.