G4 Addiction

If the law of God can be summarized in a positive command, then we must end this study talking about how to “run to” God rather than merely how to “run from” sin. Life is not about what we avoid, but what pursue. How we run to God’s design for our life finds a unique expression in each person’s life. For this reason, you will do most of the writing in this chapter. It is your life that is being stewarded for God’s glory. The goal is that you would find things that you could give yourself to more passionately than you once gave yourself to your food rules. But not just temporal, slightly healthier things that would quickly become the next edition of ruling desires; and not things that you give yourself to in private so that they foster selfishness and excess. Rather, eternally significant things that you give yourself to in a community of faith to maintain endurance, temper desire excess, and become an example to others.As you read through and answer these nine questions, remember God’s patience and timing. There will be some aspects of God’s design that you can engage in immediately. But there will also be ways you want to serve God that will require you to mature more or be equipped before you are prepared to fulfill them. The main thing is to begin to have a vision for life that involves being God’s servant and actively engaging that vision where you are currently equipped. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Are you enjoying where you are? Even if you are not “there yet,” can you identify aspects of this part of your journey that make it significantly better than where you’ve been? Unless you can answer “yes” to this question and take delight in that answer, perseverance will be grueling.Striving without delighting is exhausting.One of the keys to persevering, especially with a struggle as recurrent as food-related struggles (with which we have daily interaction) is the ability to enjoy an imperfect, in-process life. God does not just delight in you at the culmination of your sanctification. God delights in you right now. He invites you to agree with him; where he has you in this process is good. This provides the emotional stability and security to engage an unhealthy relationship with food.With that as our starting point, let’s ask the question, “What does it look like to continue to follow God from here?” Chances are that you’ve put so much energy into getting “here” that it is not entirely clear how to prepare yourself for life after an intensive focus on change. What do you do when your life is not focused on changing your relationship with food? That is the topic of this chapter and the next. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

As you reach this chapter the momentum of change has probably already fluctuated several times. Getting started was hard. It felt like an uphill battle. Old patterns of life didn’t want to let go of you and you didn’t want to admit they had a hold on you. Changing your eating patterns can feel like betraying a friend; breakups are never easy even when they’re good and needed.But honesty with self, others, and God has a great way of building momentum. You began to let go of the weights of sin that clung to you so you could run free (Heb. 12:1). This second phase is almost always exciting. When there are so many ways that your relationship with food can be healthier, it can bring a great sense of hope and progress.In the third phase, the one we’re starting now, life restructuring may begin to feel more like work again. “Implementation” is not an exciting word or process. Lasting change happens in incremental units and mundane moments. Change begins to impact moments that feel “less relevant” to your battle with food. The relief you’ve gained tempts you think you can risk a few of your previous bad habits. In this chapter you will evaluate the effectiveness and needed modifications to your life restructuring plan made in chapter six. This step will require the passage of time. Implementing (chapter seven) takes longer than creating a plan (chapter six). For this reason, if you are in a group program, it is recommended that you give at least two months to this step. You will need to see how your plan responds to the changes of settings, relationships, and emotions that happen over months rather than days.As this time passes, there are two areas of assessment that you will be performing from this chapter. First, you will be learning how to measure lasting progress. What is the difference between “I’m having a good day” and “My life is beginning to conform to God’s design”? Second, you will be looking at key areas of your life to make sure that you have not overlooked something that was not immediately relevant during the emotional crisis that precipitated your seeking help.But before we engage those subjects, we will spend a couple of sections discussing the topic of relapse. What is a relapse? How do I know if I’ve relapsed? If a relapse doesn’t “just happen” what contributes to a relapse? What do I do if I realize I’ve relapsed? See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This is probably the chapter you were looking for when you started this study. Thank you for your patience and perseverance in getting to this point. The foundation you’ve laid will help to ensure that your current efforts towards establishing a healthy relationship with food do not meet the same fate as previous well-intended efforts.You’ve probably known that in order to be a better steward of your body you needed more than food facts and an exercise plan. You needed to understand how you were misusing food for purposes food could never fulfill. You also needed to allow God and others to play the vital role in change that God designed them to do.Now you’ve done those things. That means that practical advisements on meal plans, approaches to exercise, and other life management changes have the opportunity to become healthy lifestyles. No longer are these plans your “savior.” No longer are you merely mustering will power. No longer are you striving to make yourself acceptable to God and others through your appearance. You are now merely seeking to be a good steward of the body God gave you in the context of loving-supportive friendship with fellow believers. We will look at what this good stewardship means in three sections:Accepting Your BodyPreparing for a Return to Healthy EatingBody and Food Stewardship Practices See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

You will only be as free as you are honest. Privacy kills change and fuels sin. Transparency kills sin and fuels change. Chances are this step may scare you as much as any step you have taken since the first one. But remember it is not nearly as scary to move forward as it is dangerous to go backward. Don’t allow fear to make you forgetful.When you are tempted to think, “This is not worth it. Too much is being asked of me. Why do I need to confess my struggle to others?” remind yourself of these things. Our tendency has been to face difficult situations with indulging in food or punishing ourselves with restriction. That can no longer be our life pattern. Now we will face hardship by being honest with others. Confession serves two functions:Acknowledging how we’ve harmed relationships and making amendsInviting people to become a more informed part of our support networkConfession is what invites other people into our lives and points out to them where they can help. Confession is how we acknowledge our weakness and admit that we need their help; we won’t lie, dismiss, or lash out. Confession is what ensures others that we have the humility and realistic expectations necessary to be safe to receive help. Confession is the door to community; the door through which we must enter if we do not want to be alone in the dark with our disordered eating.Simply put; we confess to others because it is good for our pursuit of righteousness as much as because we’ve sinned. Often, with confession, we are like the child who is offended by their parents telling them to eat the vegetables so they can be “big and strong.” We perceive the remedy as an insult highlighting that we are “small and weak.” It makes sense, but as long as we think that way, we’re trapped. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Should we really say, “God I am sorry my food portions were not ideal (either too large or too small)?” After all, haven’t we established that God does not have an ideal body type? Doesn’t the idea of repenting for a bad relationship with food wreak of legalism? Aren’t we getting dangerously close to holding ourselves to the standard of some fictitious “heavenly meal plan”?These questions push us to ask, “For what are you repenting?” As we will see, the most important part of repentance is never the behavior that made repentance necessary. When we focus on behavior we will inevitably make some kooky legal code that is supposed to please God. We, then, either become a slave to the code or become repulsed by the code; either way, our focus fixates on the code more than God. We repent for the way our sin replaces or misrepresents God. When we sin, we either believe we have found something more satisfying than God (replacement) or we believe God has become unreasonable / out-dated (misrepresentation). So while repentance does involve saying, “I did wrong,” the real action of repentance is in gaining an accurate view of who God is and placing God back in the center of our lives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

If only we could say that we eat because we’re hungry, and we stop when our hunger is satiated. But does anyone really eat that way? We eat for comfort. We abstain because of fear. We eat to socialize. We abstain to be liked. We eat to be entertained. We abstain to punish ourselves. With the briefest of reflections, we quickly realize we have a very complex and elaborate relationship with food. This complex relationship with food starts very young; actually, from infancy. Food is used to get a child to stop crying. Food is used as a reward (extra dessert) and a punishment (no dessert). When you ate all the food on your plate, you were a “big boy” or “big girl,” but you couldn’t get up from the table until you ate at least five more bites of your vegetables.Food has always been more than fuel. We learn to use food for many reasons long before we had the ability to reason. We see in this statement the two realities we will explore in this step: (1) our disordered eating has a history and (2) our disordered eating has motives. Both perspectives are useful in our efforts to gain a healthy relationship with food. We do what we do to get what we want. That is true of all human behavior. Lasting change requires changes in our motives. We need a healthy “why” we eat if we’re going to get to a healthy relationship with “what” we eat.But we’ve also been doing what we’re doing for a long time. Habit is the momentum of the soul. Habit easily fools us into believing that self-sabotage can be comforting. We keep doing what we’re doing because change is hard. Unless we carefully examine and expose our unhealthy eating habits we will blindly repeat them because “they haven’t killed us… yet.”These are the two subjects we’ll examine in this step: history and motive. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Thank you for continuing on this journey. It takes courage to persevere in something that is difficult. You are to be commended for completing step one and beginning step two. In this step we will examine breadth and impact of our unhealthy relationship with food. In step one, we named our struggle, now we will examine it.It may be strange to realize that we all learned to start using food as both a self-soothing and punitive instrument as infants. Food is a primary tool in every parent’s motivational and disciplinary strategy. “The baby is crying. Maybe she’s hungry. Give her a bottle… If you don’t quit pitching a fit you won’t get any desert… You were so good you can have we’ll have your favorite dinner tonight.” These things are not bad. They just reveal how we’ve related to food since before we knew words. “You began life with normal eating habits: You ate when you are hungry and didn't eat when you were full. But in a weight conscious world, where food is used for comfort, you take small steps and ‘normal’ gradually disappears. You want to be thin, so you become more serious about dieting. You like how food makes you feel, so you overeat and binge (p. 4).” Ed Welch in Eating Disorders: The Quest for ThinnessWith this much history, it is hard to imagine that our relationship with food would not significantly impact our lives. Allow this thought to help you engage this chapter non-defensively. It is easy for this subject to illicit a sense of feeling judged or ashamed. That makes this journey more difficult, because it makes the journey lonely. If you can use this study to invite other people to come alongside you in your struggle, it will be a significant aid. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

What is your goal for this study? We’ll discuss several self-defeating goals a bit later in this study, but for now let’s consider what a good, sustainable goal would be for this study:To develop and sustain a satisfying lifestyleThat seeks to honor God by being a good steward of the particular body He gave youBy relating to food in a healthy wayAnd recognizing that God gave us food to be enjoyable fuel“We need a new relationship with food altogether, seeing it as an aspect of life but not the reason for life. While food ultimately is fuel for our physical vessel, it is also something we accept as a pleasurable and good gift from God. There is evidence of his care for us and that his provision of food goes beyond necessity to include aspects of his generosity and kindness (p. 53).” Gary Thomas in Every Body Matters: Strengthening Your Body to Strengthen Your SoulNotice that in this approach we do not use numbers – ideal weight, desired pant size, pounds to lose-gain per month, etc… We simply want to be a good steward of the body God gave us. That is “success.” We will talk about numbers later, but they merely serve the larger purpose of stewarding our body. When numbers get in the front of our mind and priorities, bad things happen.This stands in contrast to ways that we often think about changing our eating habits (contrasting with four points above):We think about short-term fixes that we’ll abdicate in the near futureWe try to manipulate or condemn our body to conform to some idealized shape or weightBy relating to food in unhealthy ways or manipulating ourselves with food as a reward or punishmentAnd trying to use food to distract us from or resolve struggles over which it has no influenceHopefully, you can begin to see that most people try to change their eating habits by becoming personally abusive. Shame, condemnation, and coercion are their emotional motivators of choice. If they parented their children or treated their co-workers like they related to food, they would be arrested or fired. God wants something better for you.You can also see that most attempts at changing our relationship to food are self-sabotagingly short-term. Whether it’s someone who over-restricts eating a bit less to get parents off their back, or someone who over-eats “going on a diet,” the dysfunctional relationship with food remains the “norm” from which they commit to temporarily depart. God wants something better for you. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It would be easy to want this study, like this season of your life, to just be over. But this study, like your life, has least one more chapter (and several appendices) left. When you put a great deal of effort, as you undoubtedly have, into getting past something, it can be easy to forget that there is something next. The fact that God has brought you to this point should be evidence enough that He has more in store for you and more to do through you. In Step 9 you will be doing most of the writing, because it is your life that is being stewarded for the glory of God. No one else could write this chapter but you. What you will be given is nine questions that walk you through a life assessment to determine where God wants you to serve now and where He may want to prepare you to serve in the future.As you read through and answer the next nine questions below, remember God’s patience and timing. There will be some aspects of God’s design that you can engage in immediately. But there may also be ways you want to serve God that will require you to be more mature or be equipped before you are prepared to fulfill them. The main thing is to begin to have a vision for life that involves being God’s servant and actively engaging that vision where you are currently equipped. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

At this stage in the journey it can feel like scary relief not to be actively dealing with a problem or to be constantly taming powerful emotions. After a season being perpetually “on” guard, “on” the lookout, and having to be “on” top of things, it can be unsettling to be able to be “off.” That is what you should begin to experience more and more of in this step; becoming comfortable getting to be “off” again. Until we are comfortable being “off” duty, we are living in the hyper-vigilant effects of our spouse’s sin. Hyper-vigilance is a common response to a majorly disruptive event like the betrayal of a spouse. In this step we will look at three things. Indicators of a New Normal – These items are indicators that your personal recovery and marital restoration (if possible) are nearing a healthy resolution. Remember the conclusion of marital restoration is the beginning of marital enrichment.Piecing Together Your New Story – This is the final step in the narrative portion of personal recovery. While your emotions may still rise and fall, at this point the processing of those fluctuations will be a rehearsing of previous steps rather than beginning a new process.Preparing for Transition – Part of the scary relief of the perseverance step is moving from a formal study in formal helping relationships back to normal life and discipleship. This section will help you prepare for that transition and minimize the unsettling effects of your marriage “being alone” again (which should not be “alone,” but only relying upon your small group instead of a counseling relationship). See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

To this point we have emphasized knowing facts, understanding impact, and processing well over “doing.” A spouse’s sexual sin creates a context of grief and trauma. These affects are often overlooked in the name of “figuring out what to do.” When this happens the offended spouse is left feeling like no one “gets it” and as if all actions are only Band-Aid fixes, moral manipulation, or shifting responsibility. Hopefully the road we have traveled has alleviated the fear of this step.But in this step, we will begin to focus upon responding. Grieving losses and processing trauma would be incomplete without direction for the future. Step 7 will primarily assume that your spouse has been cooperative with their role in the restoration process outlined here and in False Love. However, even if your spouse is uncooperative, Step 7 is still applicable, although it would be applied in your personal journey towards healthy rather than a marital journey towards restoration.It is possible that as you read through this step, you may become defensive and think, “Why should I do that? I am the one who was sinned against. This is not fair. My spouse has no right to ask that of me.” You will likely be right. Fairness has no way of creating restoration after sin. Restoration, even mere freedom from bitterness, is always built upon a foundation of grace that is “unfair.” If these emotions do arise, it would be wise to review through the work you did in Steps 4-6 to help you process those reactions.In this steps the kind of goals, actions, or decisions that you will need to make are discussed in four sections.Forgiveness: What It Is and Is NotTrust: A Wise JourneyCommunicating About the Whole JourneyThe Divorce Decision See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

There is another step to take in your personal recovery before your focus shifts primarily towards the possibility of marital restoration (if desired and possible). By this point, the line between personal and marital restoration may feel blurred as one leads more naturally to the other. As you read this chapter, it is important to emphasize again that you are not looking for the “explanation of” or “way to make sense of” your spouse’s sin. Sin is illogical. Trying to make sense of it will keep you locked in pain and confusion. What you are seeking in this chapter is to regain a sense of meaning for life that can include both the wrong that was done while also providing hope and direction for the future. For five steps we have examined how your life has been disrupted. We have looked at pain, history, and consequences as if they were pieces to a puzzle. We have sorted the pieces to understand them better. We have looked at how you are prone to put the pieces together in destructive ways. We have mourned that the puzzle is broken.Now we are going to begin putting the pieces together again within the frame of the gospel. This frame extends the picture beyond any of the pieces we have examined and creates a larger context for experiencing each piece of the puzzle differently. In contrast to the way the suffering story connected the pieces, this gospel story re-framing turns a tragedy picture into a redemptive one. This will not be quick or easy, but it can be pervasive and “worth it.”We will work through understanding how the gospel story makes sense of your marriage in five questions: (1) who am I now, (2) who is my spouse now, (3) who is God, (4) what is sin, and (5) is love worth pain? We will look at these questions in light of the reading you have already done. We will not be able to give a particular reframing of your specific marriage story, but hopefully we will give you the framework to make sense of your marriage differently and with real hope. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Unpacking your suffering story was painful and exhausting. The temptation is now to want to whatever is “next” just to get you away from the pain. God is more gracious than to drive you that hard and that fast. God wants to care for you as a person and that involves knowing when you need rest and comfort more than “progress.” This is one of those times. Mourning is how we find rest in the midst of something painful and sad without living in denial or surrendering to cynicism. Having identified the destructive themes of your suffering story, you can now mourn the various losses associated with your spouse’s sin without reinforcing those lies. Until we articulate our suffering story as false or distorted, we would be prone to meditate upon our suffering story instead of mourning our true losses in a healthy, God-honoring way. Mourning does not mean hope has died. Confusion on this point is often why couples resist this step in their personal and marital recovery process. Mourning is a time of emotional transition. In a vehicle the driver must come to a stop before changing the transmission from reverse to drive or press the clutch to change from one gear to the next. Mourning serves a similar function in a relationship. It is the pause that allows a new type of work to begin.In this chapter we will examine mourning in three sections. 1. What Is Being Mourned?2. Mourning’s Evil Twin: Bitterness3. How to Mourn? See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Medical professionals who work in the area of chronic pain often differentiate between pain and suffering. Pain is the physical experience (i.e., a pinched nerve) that travels from nerve to nerve and registers in the brain. Pain can be treated medically. Suffering, however, is the sense of hopelessness or despair that attaches to pain. It does not travel via nerve endings, but is part of our immaterial mind (not our physical brain). Hence there is no medical treatment for suffering. That is a work done in the soul not the body.As we look at the suffering story which you use to make sense of your experience, we are examining suffering (i.e., the meaning you have given to your experience) rather than pain (i.e., the act of betrayal or how you learned of it). As in chronic pain, both pain and the suffering are real and should be treated. In Steps 4-6 we will treat the suffering. As your spouse works through False Love and in chapters Steps 7-8 of True Betrayal we will treat the pain of your experience.You might ask the question, “Why are we dealing with the ‘suffering’ before the ‘pain’? Can’t we do both at the same time?” We are. If you spouse is working through False Love, that is the most important component of working on the pain that can be addressed at this stage. At this time in your spouse’s work, he/she will be learning what it means to genuinely repent to God, how to thoroughly confess his/her sin to you (humbly seeking forgiveness, not just giving you an accurate history), and learning what is reasonable to expect of him/her in the restoration process. This is an important time for your spouse, but these steps may not be as conversationally interactive as the previous steps.“However, in early recovery there is very little available for you because all the energy you partner put into his or her addiction must now be directed toward his or her own recovery… The addict can no more understand your need for remorse than you can understand what it’s like for him to not act out for 30 days (p. 50).” Stephanie Carnes in Mending a Shattered HeartUnless we take some time to work on the suffering side of your experience, it would be tempting for you to grow increasingly passive, impatient, and bitter as your spouse transitions from steps where there is a high information transfer to steps that produces less information to share.These do not have to be “the silent steps” for you. They can be a time when you work through the information you have gained in the first three steps of your journey. You have taken in an unsettling amount of information. It would be unwise to quickly move forward without taking time to assimilate what you’ve learned, distilled the destructive messages (Step 4), grieve the betrayal (Step 5), and reframe these painful events in light of the gospel (Step 6). While you may share with your spouse pieces of Steps 4 and 5, the more complete version of what needs to be said will put into words as you complete Step 6. Realize that your spouse will be in a similar place in his/her journey through Steps 4-6 of False Love. Hopefully, the honesty and disclosure of Steps 1-3 has developed enough trust to sustain this middle leg of the journey.As we define and examine the suffering story you use to make sense of your suffering, we will do so in three sections.Sexual Sin: A Disrupted StoryTen Potential Themes of Your Suffering StoryFrom Facts to Themes to Story See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It is one thing to experience the impact of your suffering; it is another thing to understand the impact of your suffering. You have been experiencing the impact full force since the revelation of your spouse’s sexual sin and (likely) even before discovery you were wrestling to make sense of its impact without the central piece to the puzzle. In this chapter, we will begin to understand the connection between what happened and the changes in your life, emotions, and relationships.In this chapter we will look at three subjects. Factors that Increase ImpactThe Impact on YouThe Impact on the MarriageAs you go through this chapter you need to have realistic expectations for yourself. Gaining a better understanding of chaos does not make it orderly. At first what you read may simultaneously make sense – providing a degree of relief – and make no sense at all – leaving you feeling more overwhelmed. That might tempt you to think that you failed or that the effort is pointless. This simply means that within a storm no amount of education in meteorology (the study of weather) will keep you from getting wet.“Adultery recovery is overwhelming, all-consuming. It is a rare person indeed who can think clearly in these circumstances (p. 101).” Gary & Mona Shriver in UnfaithfulAt the end of this chapter you should be able to say some of the following statements. “I’m not the only person who has felt this way... I’m not crazy… There are reasons my spouse and I see things so differently… That doesn’t necessarily mean he/she is hard-hearted or that I’m over-reacting… It makes sense why my ability to remember or keep track of time is disrupted… Etc.” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Chances are your imagination has been running wild. When we don’t know the facts about a bad situation, we have a tendency to fill in the blank with the worst possible details. More painful still, our imaginations have the capacity to create more possibilities than could have really happened, but because we don’t know the truth we emotionally react as if every hypothetical were the reality.During this time of “acknowledging the specific history and realness of your suffering,” you will likely begin making sense of things that have seemed out of place for a long time. As this happens, remain humble towards your interpretations. Each interpretation will be influenced by the limited information you have and the intense personalizations that come with sexual betrayal.“The one cheated on often knows something is not quite right but can’t put a finger on it. The one in the affair is often oblivious to the changes taking place: the different behavior patterns, the irritability or indifference towards the mate and the marriage, and distorted thinking along these lines: the partner is becoming less attractive, the tension is somehow the mate’s fault, the partner is no longer understanding, and the marriage was never that good anyway (p. 348).” Doug Rosenau in A Celebration of SexThere is a temptation that comes with information you will gain during this step – trying to use the information you gain to control or master your spouse’s behavior. As you learn more about the what, when, and how of your spouse’s sin (why is examined in Step 3 of False Love and rarely delivers as satisfying of an answer as you desire), it is natural to think you can use this information to protect your spouse from his/her sin. Or you may protect yourself by controlling your spouse. Either approach inevitably leads to an unhealthy dynamic of taking responsibility for your spouse’s sin or parenting-style relationship.“If you are in a relationship with an addict, please know it is the addict’s responsibility to identify and avoid pornographic materials. It is not your responsibility to protect the addict from all things you think are pornographic (p. 31).” Mark Laaser in Healing the Wounds of Sexual AddictionThis is why and how even painful truth sets you free (John 8:32): free from infinite hypotheticals, free from owning your spouse’s sin, and free from ignorance. In this chapter you will go through the process of learning the extent of your spouse’s sexual sin (at least as much as he/she will disclose at this time) and receive some initial guidance on what to do with that information.This chapter will be built around answering five questions.What should I ask my spouse and how should I ask him/her?What benefits do I gain from knowing this information? What benefits does my spouse gain from sharing this information?How and when should we evaluate the health of our marriage before the sin?What should I do with what I learn? See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

You were not ready for this… and you should not have to be. Being ready would have meant living in fear, resentment, or numbed denial. Being caught off guard and overwhelmed is the best possible and healthiest response to sexual sin by your spouse. That doesn’t lessen your pain but it should help alleviate some of the sense of shame and failure you may feel.In these early stages, you do not know if you know the whole truth and you don’t know how to discern when you will have learned everything you need to learn (or even how to discern what you do and don’t need/want to know). That is an incredibly disorienting position to be in. It’s like being spun around 20 times, given a broken compass, and told to run North as if your life depended on it. At this stage in the process, sexual sin is being used as a broad term, encompassing pornography, emotional affairs, and adultery. Some distinctions between these will begin to be made in Step 2. Right now you do not yet confidently know that your spouse has been completely honest about his/her sin. Therefore this chapter will focus on how to prepare yourself to receive the information that will need to be disclosed.This chapter is meant to give you a North-ward rail to hold on to at a very confusing time. The True Betrayal study is meant to be studied with a trusted companion as you walk (not run) North. This trusted companion is not your spouse, at least not yet. Neither of you are objective enough at this stage in the journey to serve as each other’s primary companion in this struggle (that is undoubtedly part of the sting and shame associated with sexual sin in marriage). See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

If the law of God can be summarized in a positive command, then we must end this study talking about how to “run to” God rather than merely how to “run from” sin. Life is not about what we avoid, but what we pursue. How we run to God’s design for our life finds a unique expression in each person’s life. For this reason, you will do most of the writing in this chapter. It is your life that is being stewarded for God’s glory. The goal is that you would find things that you could give yourself to more passionately than you once gave yourself to your lust. But not just temporal, slightly healthier things that would quickly become the next edition of ruling desires; and not things that you give yourself to in private so that they foster selfishness and excess. Rather, eternally significant things that you give yourself to in a community of faith to maintain endurance, temper desire excess, and become an example to others.As you read through and answer these nine questions, remember God’s patience and timing. There will be some aspects of God’s design that you can engage in immediately. But there will also be ways you want to serve God that will require you to mature more or be equipped before you are prepared to fulfill them. The main thing is to begin to have a vision for life that involves being God’s servant and actively engaging that vision where you are currently equipped. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Take a deep breath. You’re probably thinking, “I’m ready to be done with this study.” If you’re at Step 8, you have come a long way. You have made many sacrifices and opened your life to many more people than you ever thought you would. Hopefully, you are experiencing the restorative forgiveness of God in ways that are incredibly refreshing. Let me ask you this question, “What does it look like to continue to follow God from here?” Chances are that you’ve put so much energy into getting “here” that it is not entirely clear how to prepare yourself for life after focusing on change. What do you do when your life is not focused on overcoming a life-dominating struggle? That is the topic of this step and the next.In this chapter we will look at post-temptation temptations—those temptations that arise when we’re doing “better.” Finish the journey you’ve started in a way that honors what God has done in your life to this point. In order to help you finish strong, we will look at three subjects for this stage in your journey. Common Lies & DistractionsVictory Changes TemptationPreparing for Transition See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

As you reach this step the momentum of change has probably already fluctuated several times. Getting started was hard. It felt like an uphill battle. Sin didn’t want to let go of you and you didn’t want to admit it had a hold on you. Honesty with self, others, and God has a great way of building momentum. You began to let go of the weights of sin that clung to you and run free from secrets (Heb. 12:1). That phase is almost always exciting and you can almost feel guilty about the amount of relief it brings (especially if you’re married and your spouse is carrying the weight of your secrets which have now come to light).As that excitement gives way to life restructuring change begins to feel more like work again. “Implementing change” does not occur as quickly as repentance and confession. At this phase, change happens in incremental units and mundane moments. Change begins to require faithfulness in moments where change may not feel as “relevant” to your battle with sexual sin. It no longer feels like you’re running downhill towards God, but uphill.In this chapter you will evaluate the effectiveness and needed modifications to your life restructuring plan made in Step 6. This step will require the passage of time. Implementing (Step 7) takes longer than creating a plan (Step 6). For this reason, if you are in a group program, you should give at least two months to this step. You will need to see how your plan responds to the changes of settings, relationships, and emotions that happen more over months than days.As this time passes, there are three areas of assessment that you will be performing from this chapter. First, we will discuss the subject of relapse. Second, you will be learning how to measure lasting progress. What is the difference between “I’m having a good week” and “My life is beginning to conform to God’s design”? Third, you will be looking at key areas of your life to make sure that you have not overlooked something that was not relevant during the crisis that precipitated your seeking help but is now. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

To this point you have admitted, acknowledged, understood, repented, and confessed. Each of the previous steps are vital parts of the change process, but are incomplete to create a lifestyle where purity and honor are defining marks of your life and relationships. Each of the steps to this point have been about “putting off” sin (Eph 4:22) or changing how you think about your sin (Eph. 4:23) more than “putting on” God’s character (Eph. 4:24). Lasting change replaces what it rids and builds something new in the place of what it tears down. That will be the focal point for the rest of this journey.As you move through the remaining steps you will be asked to address more than sexual sin. Rarely does sin restrain itself to one area of life. Therefore the notion that you will conquer sexual sin without addressing other areas of life is a naïve approach to change. It would be wasteful of the effort you have put into change this far. Failing to look at the rest of your life would be like getting braces to align your teeth and then refusing to wear the retainer to maintain those changes.“I have found that most people who are addicted to one particular thing also fail to exercise control in other areas of their lives (p. 110)… Often this occurs because the underlying problem is not sexual addiction, but rather the lack of control, restraint, and discipline that comes from a life of self-gratification… As the person learns moderation in every area of life, he will find that the temptation to indulge in sexual sin will be weakened. Pursuing other forms of pleasure only serves to strengthen the addiction because gratifying oneself simply reinforces self-centeredness (p. 111)… A true overcomer must part with certain relationships, places, and things that were intimately associated with his sinful lifestyle. This is extremely difficult and often traumatic to the sex addict who, for many years, has looked to his sin for comfort, pleasure, and as an escape from the real world. The man invariably finds himself grieving the loss of, not just the pleasure of the sin, but also the other elements which accompanied the lifestyle of that sin (p. 124).” Steve Gallagher in At the Altar of Sexual IdolatryYou will be called on to love and rely on God more. Sexual sin is always the pursuit of something more than we can find in ourselves or a relationship with another person. Unless we address this deeper craving of the human soul we will become the slave of some other (possibly more functional) pleasure that will eventually leave. You were made for something greater than sex and nothing less than God will functionally satisfy you for long.The changes required will take time. It is easy, at this point in your journey, to grow impatient and think, “I’ve done what I was supposed to do. Now let’s get on with it.” You have not yet done what you were supposed to do. You have only acknowledged or begun to make right what you should not have done. You have weeded your life. You are, in this step, beginning to plant seeds of honor and tend them to a lifestyle of godly character. The work ahead will take as much humility, faith, and reliance as the work you have already done.“Faith in Jesus is not a quick fix. It’s certainly not a case of ‘just believe.’ There’s no ‘just’ about it. Yes, the message is ‘believe.’ But it’s never ‘just believe.’ We’re called to the fight of faith. So instead of ‘just believe,’ the message is ‘fight to believe.’ And it will be a fight, a daily fight. Some days you’ll be wounded; some days you’ll lose this battle. Then you’ll have to pick yourself up, fight to believe in God’s grace and reenter the fray… This is why so many people speak of turning to porn when they’re tired. It’s not because they think porn will be a pick-me-up—otherwise they’d make themselves coffee instead. It’s because they don’t feel they have the energy for the fight of faith (p. 60).” Tim Chester in Closing the WindowIn this chapter we examine how life needs to be restructured under three headings: (1) Commitment to Live in God’s Reality; (2) Self-Control in All Areas of Life; and (3) Applying Wisdom to Relationships See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

When we looked at the development of sexual sin in Step 1, we said a major threshold was crossed when sexual sin goes public (moving from images or conversations with anonymous people to arousing interaction with a real, known person). The same is true in the destruction of sexual sin; a major threshold is crossed as sexual integrity goes public (moving from private dialogue with God to public confession with real, known people).If you have made it through the first four steps with integrity then change has happened, but it is starting in Step 5 that you lay the foundation for change to last. Privacy kills change and fuels sin. Transparency kills sin and fuels change. Chances are this step may scare you as much as any step you have taken since the first one. But remember it is not nearly as scary to move forward as it is dangerous to go backward. Don’t allow fear to make you forgetful.This is a stage in the change process when many people want to only deal with their sin privately. But to deal with a private sin privately is like trying to wrestle an alligator in a swamp. You would be in its home turf. Every situational advantage would go to your sexual sin. If, however, you chose to wrestle the same alligator in a tree every situational advantage would go to you. Confession is when you cease fighting sexual sin on its home turf.“If you want to stay stuck in your sin, confess it only to God. If you want to overcome it, confess it to someone else (p. 37).” Steve Gallagher in At the Altar of Sexual IdolatryRemember, sin is not tamed. It is either killed or it kills. There are no “pet sins.” It is usually at this stage in the process when we begin to doubt this truth. Sin has been weakened. Life is probably getting better. A sense of hope should be emerging. These are good things, unless they cause us to relax and cut our journey towards God’s freedom short. Do not be deceived; unless your sin is exposed not only to the light of God’s truth but also Christian community, it will regain its strength.“It is possible that Christians may remain lonely in spite of daily worship together, prayer together, and all their community through service—that the final breakthrough to community does not occur precisely because they enjoy community with one another as pious believers, but not with one another as those lacking piety, as sinners. For the pious community permits no one to be a sinner. Hence all have to conceal their sins from themselves and from the community. We are not allowed to be sinners (p. 108).” Dietrich Bonhoeffer in Life TogetherAs we examine what confession should look like and what it requires of us, we will do so in three sections: (1) to whom to confess; (2) how to confess (more than disclosure); and (3) preparing for confession. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

You probably feel like your soul has been laid bare in the first three steps. You have looked at yourself, your behaviors, and your life as a whole in ways that you have likely resisted doing for a long time. In this chapter you are going to bring that honest self-awareness before God. You are not bringing Him something (by way of information) that He needs in order to act. You are placing yourself in a position to receive what He has already done on your behalf. If you presume upon God’s forgiveness (i.e., “God has to forgive me. He’s already sent Jesus to die. It would be a waste if He didn’t follow through. Besides, God would be a liar if He promised to forgive and didn’t honor His Word. I’ll go through the ritual to get what’s coming to me if that is what He wants.”), then you are not repenting. You are making a legal transaction with someone you believe to be too stupid to know better. Additionally, you are prone to use God in a manipulative fashion with anyone you offended in your sin (i.e., “If God has forgiven me, why can’t you?”). If this fits you, receive the strong warning of Galatians 6:7, “God is not mocked.”If you neglect seeking God’s forgiveness (i.e., “I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I should have to pay for what I’ve done wrong. I’ve made enough people suffer because of my selfishness, so I shouldn’t add Jesus to the list.”), then you are wallowing in self-pity and will remain in the same shame-cycle that has likely fueled your sin for a long time. Relationally, you are remaining an “unsafe” person who will either betray again (sexually or through deceit) or by virtue of your self-pity become manipulative of others with your use of guilt.The only way out of sin is through genuine repentance. All lasting change is built upon repentance. Repentance is when we change our primary allegiance from self to God. Repentance is when we turn from trusting our ways to trusting God’s ways. Repentance is when our primary goal changes from self-satisfaction and self-protection to glorifying God and loving others.“If the problem were simply with our eyes, then the solution would be to avert our eyes. But if the problem begins in the heart, then the solution must be much more fundamental (p. 41).” Tim Chester in Closing the Window“A common flaw in dealing with the sinful patterns of viewing sexually explicit material is to focus solely on employing methods to stop the behavior (behavior modification) to the exclusion of addressing the root issues of the heart (p. 9).” Brian Croft in Help! He’s Struggling with PornographyThis chapter solidifies all the work you have done so far and serves as the foundation for each step remaining in the process. You have learned a great deal about yourself and your sin in the first three chapters. Repentance is when you commit to quit trying to make your broken ways work. You are about to make some significant changes to restructure your life (Step 6). Repentance is what allows these changes to be life giving rather than exercises in self-punishment or to reinforce shame.The subject of repentance will be discussed in four sections.The Barrier to Repentance: PrideThe Key Elements of RepentanceTo Whom Are You Repenting?A Sample Prayer of Repentance See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Why? Why? Why?! This is a vexing question. As soon as you say “because…” you run the risk of blame-shifting and we’ve already spoken to the dangers of this. But in the absence of a “because…” it sounds like you should just be able to “Stop it!” and if that were the case you wouldn’t be reading these materials.Part of this confusion begins with how we commonly view people. It is popular to think of ourselves as basically good people who apart from outside interference would not do bad things; act selfishly, betray, sacrifice more important things for less important things, or otherwise be foolish. “The power of all temptation is the prospect that it will make me happier. No one sins out of a sense of duty (p. 334).” John Piper in Future GraceWe are born twisted, broken, and out of order. We are born with a bent towards self and we experience life self-centeredly (trapped within our bodies; literally only seeing the world through our own eyes and interpreting it through our own experiences and desires). This does not mean that we cannot love. It does mean we must be both commanded and enabled to love God and love others because of our sin-nature causes us to innately center on self.Some would take this to mean that personal history (i.e., experiences of abuse, rejection, failure, or neglect) is inconsequential to sexual sin. But this draws an unnecessary distinction between our sin nature and personal history. While we sin because we are sinners, our appetite for and bondage to particular sins have histories. Understanding these histories can enhance our ability to cooperate with or apply God’s power to change. There are two truths you must keep in balance as you work through this chapter or you will fall into shame/despair or blame-shifting. First, sin reveals our heart so we are responsible for our sin and change will require dying to self. Second, our heart has a history and God wants to do more than eliminate a sin; God wants to redeem your history by replacing lies with truth, despair with hope, and self with Him. This chapter is divided into three major sections: Learning the History of My SinIdentifying the Motive(s) of My SinCapturing the Present Struggle See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

The last chapter was painful. Looking at “what” types of sexual win you struggle with is hard. This chapter will likely be equally uncomfortable as you examine the “extent” of those sins. Unless you acknowledge the breadth and impact of your sexual sin, your efforts at change will be limited to the most overt and recent sins. Omitting this step also results in rooting your efforts at change in the powerful emotions you feel (shame in a “bad” moment; relief or pride in a “good” moment) rather than the reality of your history. Neither sincerity nor shame will sustain lasting change. You’ve probably already experienced that many times, if you slowed down enough to acknowledge it.“Every Christian guy who looks at porn wants to stop, but many of us want to stop just a little bit less than we want to keep going… Here’s a promise. You will never stop until you begin to see the monstrous nature of the sin you are committing. You will never stop until the sin is more horrifying to you than the commission of the sin is enjoyable. You will need to hate that sin before you can find freedom from it (p. 17).” Tim Challies in Sexual DetoxIn this chapter, you will be asked to examine three areas of your life. The history and growth of my sinThe impact my sin has had on meThe impact my sin has had on othersThe examination that you do in this chapter will be foundational for the effectiveness of the coming chapters. You will come to know yourself in a way that you have probably avoided. You will come to know your history in a way that will allow you to let others know you (especially your spouse, if married) in ways you have hidden. You will come to know other people in your life as real people as opposed to objects of pleasure to be exploited or sources of rejection to be avoided. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This is miserable. Whether you are picking up this material for yourself or to help a friend, you’ve probably tried to avoid this subject for a while. Although unpleasant, this material is vital. It is vital for you personally if you are caught in sexual sin, because you will never know lasting peace and joy while the leach of lust drains your life. It is vital for you as a friend, because sexual sin is reaching epidemic proportions in our culture and must be addressed if we are going to do “relevant” ministry."If you preach the gospel in all aspects with the exception of the issues that deal specifically with your time, you are not preaching the gospel at all." Martin Luther as quoted by Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 10).Sex is awkward to talk about, especially when guilt is involved. Even reading about sex when it has to do with sin. Thinking about confession is as painful as sex is fun; as repulsive as sex is attractive. The equal and opposite force of what drew you to sexual sin will try to drive you away from this study. Satan, the one seeking to destroy your life and relationships (I Pet. 5:8) wants to keep you from this study, especially in the openness of a G4 group or counseling relationship, as much as he wanted you to sin.One of the things that makes sexual sin hard to talk about is the stereotypes that we place on those who struggle with lust. It feels like if you admit that you struggle with sexual sin that you are confessing to being a pedophile, a social misfit, or a danger to society. Our goal in these materials is to speak to the real dangers of sexual sin without reinforcing these stereotypes.“Sex addicts, however, do not fit the popular stereotypes. They are otherwise gentle and kind. They care deeply for others. To fellow church members they appear to be ideal Christians (p. 16).” Mark Laaser in Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It would be easy to want this study, like this season of your life, to just be over. But this study, like your life, has at least one more chapter (and several appendices) left. When you put a great deal of effort, as you undoubtedly have, into getting past something, it can be easy to forget that there is something next. The fact that God has brought you to this point should be evidence enough that He has more in store for you and more to do through you. In this chapter you will be doing most of the writing, because it is your life that is being stewarded for the glory of God. No one else could write this chapter but you. What you will be given is nine questions that walk you through a life assessment to determine where God wants you to serve now and where He may want to prepare you to serve in the future. As you read through and answer the next nine questions, remember God’s patience and timing. There will be some aspects of God’s design that you can engage in immediately. But there may also be ways you want to serve God that will require you to be more mature or be equipped before you are prepared to fulfill them. The main thing is to begin to have a vision for life that involves being God’s servant and actively engaging that vision where you are currently equipped. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

New and normal are words that do not belong together. But that is precisely what step eight is all about, establishing a new normal. In steps 2-4, you looked at the things that created an unhealthy normal. In step 5, you grieved that these things were ever “normal” for you. In steps 6-7, you began to piece together a new, healthy normal. Now, in step 8, you will begin to rest in that new normal and allow it to solidify.Unfortunately, prolonged relational dysfunction created a way of life that made it easy for us to wonder if “normal” could ever be good again. Hopefully that skepticism is beginning to fade by the time you’ve reached this point in your journey.Realize, the phrase “new normal” seems to imply more intentionality than it actually requires. You do not need a spreadsheet with seven columns and twenty-four rows to itemize and color-code. As you live wisely, a new-healthy normal will happen. This chapter will be devoted to identifying the defining marks of this new normal so you can be comforted as this occurs.The chapter will also include three other sections. First, we will look at how this new normal assimilates into your life story. This will be a place for you to summarize what you learned and how you have grown over the course of this study. You will seek to combine the narrative you built in steps four through six with the practices you implemented in steps seven.Second, guidance will be provided to help you think through how to prepare to transition from your current formal helping relationship (i.e., support group, counseling relationship, or mentor relationship) into general small group ministry of your church for continued encouragement and growth. You are about to enter a new season of transition: from healing to living.Third, consideration will be given to those who are considering divorce. “Overcoming Codependency,” as we have entitled this study, does not require ending relationships. But some participants may find themselves in marriages where the covenant has been repeatedly violated and there are no signs of willingness to honor it. This unfortunate reality requires guidance. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

One of the biggest challenges in identifying goals for combatting the effects of codependency is to be active without accepting false guilt or distorting how you allocate responsibility for change again. It is easy to think if there is something I can do that would be more effective than what I have been doing, then if I had been doing it all along everything would be fine. In order to help you avoid this mindset, we will order the strategies for relating more healthily in a progression that builds from intrapersonal strategies (inside of you) to interpersonal strategies (between you and the other person). The intent is to reinforce the idea that you can get healthier even if the other person does not and that their possible resistance to change does not have to be interpreted as your personal failure. Gaining PerspectiveBuilding Resilience Alleviating Emotional TriggersGrowing Positive Influence As you learn from and practice each strategy, pray that God will use it for restorative purposes in the life of your loved one. Ask God to soften their heart towards their need to change and provide them the courage to vocalize their need to change. But, just as fervently, pray that God will give you the strength to continue on your journey towards healthier relational patterns whether your loved one is cooperative or not. If distance is created by your healthier choices, that is not “turning your back” or “leaving them behind.” Instead, it is you removing your cooperation with their dysfunction and pioneering a healthier life as an invitation for them to follow your example as you follow the example of Christ (I Corinthians 11:1). Note: The relational restoration methods advised in this step presume that safety has been restored to the relationship. Until your loved one has taken the steps to acknowledge their destructive patterns and evidence change, then you should (a) only seek to implement those components of this chapter that pertain to your personal-emotional well-being, or (b) apply the interpersonal strategies to relationships that were unduly harmed by the mistrust developed because of your abusive-addictive relationship. Until safety is honored, then restoration is not wise or possible. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

When you experience major relational upheaval, it feels like the rest of life should be put on hold. Yet, so often, when we face addictive or abusive challenges in our relationships, life continues “as normal” because no one else knows what’s going on. This can be both disorienting and offensive. Doesn’t anyone care? Can’t anyone see? We feel hurt, angry, and alone.However, so far this study has primarily been a major deconstruction project; we have broken down your experience and its fallout in many ways (hopefully insightful and helpful). The result is, while you may feel like there is hope for things to be better, you likely also feel like a person without a story.That is what this chapter begins to address. In this chapter you will begin to put the pieces you deconstructed into a new narrative; not a narrative that makes the “sad things untrue” but a narrative that allows you to understand yourself, God, your life, relationships, and the future in ways that are healthy and hopeful.This new narrative will likely not answer the nagging “why” question. Think about most suspenseful movies you’ve seen or books you’ve read. When is the “why” plot revealed? At the end. Where are you in your journey? Still in the middle. It is unlikely at this stage in the journey that, however God intends to redeem your experience, that this could be clear to you now. Guessing at God’s intention will likely place you in a series of all-or-nothing moments; the kind of thinking that tends to add to the destructiveness of unhealthy relationships.Instead, at this stage in your journey, it is recommended that you seek to understand yourself, God, others, your setting, and your future in a way that both sets you up for stable-healthy living now and allows for redemptive moments in the occasions when healthier styles of relating hold promise to be fruitful (the focus of Step 7). We will seek to do this by walking you through six questions that help you identify key ways God would have you understand your experience. Who Am I Now?Who Is the Person(s) Who Hurt Me Now? Who and Where Is God? What Should I Expect from My Friends?Where Am I?Is Love Worth Pain? See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It is likely that we have related codependently, not just with other people, but also with God. This is not meant to call into question our assurance of salvation, but to recognize the likelihood that we have:Served God in order to get leverage over him to do what we think needs to be done.Thrown our emotions at God in prayer more than had a genuine conversation with him.Tried to make God feel bad because we interpret our hardships as if he were being mean or insulting towards us.This chapter is where we, if needed, change this dynamic in our relationship with God; as the foundation for changing our codependent pattern of relating to others.Step Four reveals a large amount of “bad news” – destructive narratives or scripts we place upon our unhealthy relationships which leave us feeling shame or like God is absent. What are we supposed to do with that kind of bad news?The tempting answer is “make it better… spin it positive… fast… if we can use the Bible, all the better; that way we’re more likely to believe what we’re telling ourselves.” Chances are you’ve tried that and have the scars which rushed emotional change produces to prove it.So let’s ask a better question, “How does God want to care for you as you come to grips with these destructive scripts?” Does God want to free you with truth (John 8:32)? Yes, but he also wants to free you in a way that is bearable and sustainable. God wants your change to be enduring and motivated by grace instead of shame or fear.That means God wants you to grieve the presence of suffering in your life. God does not think you are whining when you acknowledge that the relational pain has been a heavy burden. God wants you to know his care during your suffering so that we will rely upon his care in the midst of both our future blessings and hardships.Mourning is the focus of this chapter. We want you to feel free to mourn the presence of relational hardship (agreeing with God about your suffering) instead of feeling shame about it (hiding it from God and others in order to appear strong). Mourning our suffering allows us to quit faking strength so that we are free to rely on God’s strength and his people.We will examine the subject of mourning in three sections: What Is Being Mourned?Mourning vs. BitternessHow to Mourn See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

At several points in the study you have probably begun to question God, doubt Him, be angry at Him, or wonder if what you think about Him really makes any difference. We’ve brought many painful experiences to mind. When we look at them, we naturally ask, “Where does ‘the buck’ stop?” It stops with God (or whoever, whatever is in control… if anything is). It has been said that animals divide between herbivores (those eating plants) and carnivores (those eating meat), but that humans are verbivores – we live off of words, or, more accurately, off of the meaning we give to life through words. This is why we’ve emphasized the themes of story, journey, and identity so much. They are how we “digest” life. “No one is more influential in your life than you are, because no one talks to you more than you do. You are in an unending conversation with yourself. You are talking all the time, interpreting, organizing, and analyzing what’s going on inside you and around you (p. 56).” Paul Tripp in A Shelter in the Time of Storm In this chapter we will look at the unhealthy ways people commonly make sense of painfully broken relationships. Do not feel guilty if the way you make sense of your trauma is false. An abused child should not feel guilty for believing their abuse happened because they were “a bad kid.” The story is false, but seeing its falseness should bring hope not shame. God invites you to be very honest. “One bold message in the book of Job is that you can say anything to God. Throw him your grief, your anger, your doubt, your bitterness, your betrayal, your disappointment—he can absorb them all… God can deal with every human response save one. He cannot abide the response I fall back on instinctively: an attempt to ignore him or treat him as though he does not exist. That response never once occurred to Job (p. 235).” Phillip Yancey in Disappointment with God Don’t get locked down trying to put your confusion into words perfectly or capturing your beliefs just right. Your hope is not rooted in your ability to articulate your experience perfectly, but in the freedom that comes when you doubt these false narratives enough that God can begin to replace them with truth. “There’s no single correct way to construct a person's abuse story (p. 147).” Steven R. Tracy in Mending the Soul One final introductory remark, you should realize you will not reason or re-narrate yourself out of negative scripts of codependency. However, until these scripts are put into words (Step 4) we just assume they are true. After we put these scripts into words we can grieve their influence over our lives (step 5), replace (step 6) these destructive narratives with gospel-rooted messages, and then how to more healthily engage life and relationships (steps 7 and 8) based upon the foundation of God’s love and personal dignity. To help you complete this step we will break this chapter into two parts: 1. 12 Potential Destructive Codependent Scripts2. The Journey From Facts to Themes to Story See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

After acknowledging the history and realness of our relational unhealthiness, we need to understand the impact of these experiences on our life. Unless we understand the impact, we will be forced to “just try to do better;” which is often what leads us to the dilemma of taking responsibility for things that don’t belong to us and, hence, leads us to be controlling.But the other rebuttal is, “Looking at the impact will only make me feel worse.” This is partially true, and why it is highly recommended you go through this study with a friend, pastor, or counselor. But it is also largely false. Consider the parallel example of debt. Many people in debt fail to itemize and total their debt for fear it will be overwhelming. But that leaves them powerless and with a “haunting ambiguous” sense of how big it must be.In this chapter we will seek to understand the impact of relating codependently in four sections.Qualities of CodependencyEffects of Living with AbuseEffects of Living with AddictionThinking Well about BoundariesWhile difficult, this examination will do several things. First, it will show you where and how you can begin to engage your codependent relational style. There are many occasions other than conflict or drama when we can learn to relate in a healthier manner. This information will be very important in step seven.Second, it will de-mystify the experience of codependency. Often the question, “How did things get this bad?” paralyzes and shames us with bewilderment. No piece of the codependent experience seems to account for the whole. Looking at the pieces can give you the hope and strength to continue the journey.Third, it will begin to reveal the unhealthy ways you have made sense of your codependent experience. This will be the primary focus of step four, but understanding impact is a great way to make the unhealthy “story” we build around our codependent experience more obvious and, therefore, possible to change. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

There is nothing “fun” or enjoyable about this step. However, it is a good and needed part of the process. But do not allow these first two statements to cause you to think, “Alright then, let’s get it over with as quickly as possible.” That would be a mistake that would likely result in you missing the key information that is most important to glean from this step.Your goal in this step is to identify the unhealthy patterns of relationship that have developed in your life. Often we miss the patterns for the events; a form of missing the forest for the trees. The events (i.e., controlling-abusive behaviors, repeated intoxication of a loved one, having your opinion taken for granted, etc…) are usually things that are happening to us. They are painful and we remember them. It is right to view them as suffering. But often we assume suffering means we have no choice but to be passive and that we contribute nothing to the interaction.The patterns are the ways we relate that enable the events to continue occurring. They are confusing and thinking about them often creates the fear that this will be “all my fault,” so we avoid thinking about them. You can begin to see that this is where it is vital to differentiate responsibility from influence. “Responsibility” refers to the direct volitional ability to change an outcome and moral culpability for that outcome. When a loved one is abusive or addicted, you do not have responsibility for their actions. You cannot change their actions, and you are not morally responsible for their actions.“Influence” refers to the ability to decrease the likelihood of an event occurring through indirect choices. Often the lack of responsibility makes us feel powerless, so we neglect influence. Other times we recognize influence is not 100% effective, so we don’t like uncertainty. The means of influence in an unhealthy relationship usually involve either conflict or allowing a loved one to experience unpleasant consequences, so we avoid using influence.In this chapter we will not address the “methods of influence.” We will begin to see when these different “choices of influence” are possible. The first part of healthy action is clearly seeing when action is needed. Unhealthy relationships are notoriously murky. That is why accurately and consistently seeing the problem for what it is, is essential to living differently in unhealthy relationships. We will seek to accomplish this objective in three sections.Codependency AssessmentPower-Control Relationships vs. Mutual Honor RelationshipsOverall Life Satisfaction Scale (moderating) See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This may be the most confusing seminar topic ever. Is codependency really a thing? After all, no one can agree on a definition (this is true). Besides, the problem isn’t me; it’s the people who are hurting me or are destroying their life with addiction. You’re not going to tell me this is my fault, are you? Wait a minute, no one in my life is an addict and I’m not married, can I be codependent? These are just a few of challenges we will have to navigate on our journey. We will define the concept of codependency in greater detail as we go along, but here are a few foundational premises for how we’ll use the term.Codependency is a style of relating; meaning it is an activity rather than a condition.Codependency is more about why and how you do things than what you do. There are not codependent behaviors (what you do) as much as there are codependent motives, tones, and patterns (why and how you do things).Those who relate codependently struggle to rightly assign responsibility for problematic actions by others and self.The struggle to rightly assign responsibility makes it hard to determine “reasonable expectations” for others.The struggle to appropriately assign responsibility results in a difficulty regulating personal emotions.The struggle to assign responsibility and regulate emotions produces unhealthy relational patterns.Codependency is often (not always) associated with abusive, addictive, or controlling home environments.Those who related codependently are usually physically-emotionally exhausted and feel used by others. Unless we intentionally learn to think about responsibility, relationships, and emotions differently, we will continue to relate in a codependent manner. You may not like using the term “codependency.” That is fine. There is no magic in the term. “We don’t have to label ourselves at all. Deal with the behaviors that hurt and call yourself whatever you want (p. 77).” Melody Beattie in The New Codependency You may not feel like you have the emotional energy left for what change will require. But realize the number of crises and amount of drama around you is going to take a large emotional investment. You might as well invest that energy in learning to relate in a healthier manner.“Given how long you have already lived with your drinker under the present circumstances, you can tolerate it a little longer as you make small, controllable changes (p. 6).” Robert Meyers and Brenda Wolfe in Get Your Loved One SoberYou may have reached out for help before and been burned. Unfortunately, this is too frequent, even in Christian contexts. Those affected by abuse, addiction, or adultery do not always get good counsel when they reach out for help. Hopefully this seminar provides a resource to help you vet the competence of helpers you invite into your life.“In fact, many victims believe clergy have the most potential to help them, when in reality they are too often the least helpful and sometimes even hurtful (p. 16).” Justin and Lindsey Holcomb in Is It My Fault? If you look at the studies referenced by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb, what you will find is that direct invention helpers (pastors, police, lawyers) are initially less helpful to those in harm’s way than less direct intervention helpers (hot lines, social workers, counselors). When attempts are made to introduce change, even healthy changes, into your social systems before you are ready to consistently cooperate with those changes, the results are often a more difficult living situation.That is why this seminar is focused on you; more than your living conditions (i.e., abuse, addiction, manipulation, etc…). You will need to be ready to consistently live out the implications of any changes that are made in order for those changes to benefit you. You will also need to be ready to live out the implications to maximize the potential influence you have on your loved one(s) who are living destructively around you. With that said, one of the goals for this seminar is for you to understand the entire process. We will be taking a 9 step journey together that unfolds in three phases. A summary of the primary objective for each phase is listed below.Phase One: Steps 1-3 // Gain an accurate and unhurried view of your relational patternsPhase Two: Steps 4-6 // Remove destructive, dysfunctional messages from how your understand these patternsPhase Three: Steps 7-9 // Identify healthy ways you can have influence in unhealthy relationships and things you believe God has called you to pursue regardless of how much cooperation there is in key relationships becoming healthier See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

If the law of God can be summarized in a positive command, then we must end this study talking about how to “run to” God rather than merely how to “run from” sin. Life is not about what we avoid, but what we pursue. How we run to God’s design for our life finds a unique expression in each person’s life. For this reason, you will do most of the writing in this chapter. It is your life that is being stewarded for God’s glory. The goal is that you would find things that you could give yourself to more passionately than you once gave yourself to your addiction. But not just temporal, slightly healthier things that would quickly become the next edition of ruling desires; and not things that you give yourself to in private so that they foster selfishness and excess. Rather, eternally significant things that you give yourself to in a community of faith to maintain endurance, temper desire-excess, and become an example to others. As you read through and answer these nine questions, remember God’s patience and timing. There will be some aspects of God’s design that you can engage in immediately. But there will also be ways you want to serve God that will require you to mature more or be equipped before you are prepared to fulfill them. The main thing is to begin to have a vision for life that involves being God’s servant and actively engaging that vision where you are currently equipped. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Are you enjoying where you are? Even if you are not “there yet,” can you identify aspects of this part of your journey that make it significantly better than where you’ve been? Unless you can answer “yes” to this question and take delight in that answer, perseverance will be grueling.Striving without delighting is exhausting.One of the keys to persevering, especially with a struggle as recurrent as an addiction, is the ability to enjoy an imperfect, in-process life. God does not just delight in you at the culmination of your sanctification. God delights in you right now. He invites you to agree with him; where he has you in this process is good. This provides the emotional stability and security to persevere in your journey of recovery.With that as our starting point, let’s ask the question, “What does it look like to continue to follow God from here?” Chances are that you’ve put so much energy into getting “here” that it is not entirely clear how to prepare yourself for life after an intensive focus on change. What do you do when your life is not focused on overcoming addiction? That is the topic of this chapter and the next.In this chapter we will look at post-temptation temptations—those temptations that uniquely arise when we’re doing “better.” In order to help you finish strong, we will look at three subjects for this stage in your journey. Common Lies and DistractionsVictory Changes TemptationPreparing for Transition See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

As you reach this chapter, the momentum of change has probably already fluctuated several times. Getting started was hard. It felt like an uphill battle. Old patterns of life didn’t want to let go of you and you didn’t want to admit they had a hold on you. Changing your addictive lifestyle can feel like betraying a friend; breakups are never easy even when they’re good and needed.But honesty with self, others, and God has a great way of building momentum. You began to let go of the weights of sin that clung to you so you could run free (Heb. 12:1). This second phase is almost always exciting. When there are so many ways that your life can be healthier, it can bring a great sense of hope and progress.In the third phase, the one we’re starting now, life restructuring may begin to feel more like work again. “Implementation” is not an exciting word or process. Lasting change happens in incremental units and mundane moments. Change begins to impact moments that feel “less relevant” to your battle with addiction. The freedom you’ve gained tempts you to think you can risk a few of your previous bad habits. In this chapter you will evaluate the effectiveness and needed modifications to the life restructuring plan you made in chapter six. This step will require the passage of time. Implementation (chapter seven) takes longer than creating a plan (chapter six). For this reason, if you are in a group program, it is recommended that you give at least two months to this step. You will need to see how your plan responds to the changes of settings, relationships, and emotions that happen over months rather than days.As this time passes, there are two areas of assessment that you will be performing from this chapter. First, you will be learning how to measure lasting progress. What is the difference between “I’m having a good day” and “My life is beginning to conform to God’s design”? Second, you will be looking at key areas of your life to make sure that you have not overlooked something that was less immediately relevant during the emotional crisis that precipitated your seeking help. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This is probably the chapter you were looking for when you started this study. Thank you for your patience and perseverance in getting to this point. The foundation you’ve laid will help to ensure that your current efforts towards sobriety do not meet the same fate as previous, well-intended efforts.You’ve probably known that living an enjoyable sober life required more than insight and remorse. But you needed to see more clearly how your AoD of choice was being asked to fulfill a bigger role than it ever could and how this dysfunctional relationship with substances developed. You also needed to allow God and others to play the vital role in change that God desires for you.Now you’ve done those things; which means the practical advisements below have the opportunity to be incorporated into a healthy lifestyle. No longer are these plans your “savior.” No longer are you merely mustering will power. No longer are you striving to make yourself acceptable to God and others by a longer streak of days “being good.”You are now merely seeking to be a good steward of the life God gave you. We will consider how to be a good steward of your life after a struggle with addiction in five sections:Stimulus Control – Avoidance StrategiesCounter Conditioning – Reframing StrategiesPersonal Strengthening – Enhancement Strategies Healthy Fun – Pursuant StrategiesWorship – Awe Strategies See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

You will only be as free as you are honest. Privacy kills change and fuels sin. Transparency kills sin and fuels change. Chances are this step may scare you as much as any step you have taken since the first one. But remember it is not nearly as scary to move forward as it is dangerous to go backward. Don’t allow fear to make you forgetful.When you are tempted to think, “This is not worth it. Too much is being asked of me. Why do I need to confess my addiction to others?” remind yourself of these things. Our tendency has been to face difficult situations through addictive escape and avoidance. That can no longer be our life pattern. Now we will face hardship by being honest with others. Confession serves two functions:Acknowledging how we’ve harmed relationships, seeking forgiveness, and making amendsInviting people to become a more informed part of our support networkConfession is what invites other people into our lives and points out to them where they can help. Confession is how we acknowledge our weakness and admit that we need their help; we won’t lie, dismiss, or lash out. Confession is what ensures others that we have the humility and realistic expectations necessary to be safe to receive help. Confession is the door to community; the door through which we must pass if we do not want to be alone in the dark with our addiction.In this chapter we will examine five subjects:1. Excuses for Not Reaching Out for Help2. How to Effectively Let Someone Into Your Struggle3. Key Elements of Confession4. Preparing for a Confessing Conversation5. Guidance on Making Amends See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

You probably feel like your soul has been laid bare in the first three steps. You have looked at yourself, your behaviors, and your life as a whole in ways that you have probably resisted for a long time. In this chapter you are going to bring that honest self-awareness before God. You are not bringing Him something (by way of information) that He needs in order to act. You are placing yourself in a position to receive what He has already done on your behalf.If you presume upon God’s forgiveness (i.e., “God has to forgive me. He’s already sent Jesus to die. It would be a waste if He didn’t follow through. Besides, God would be a liar if He promised to forgive and didn’t honor His Word. I’ll go through the ritual to get what’s coming to me if that is what He wants.”), then you are not repenting. You are making a legal transaction with someone you believe to be too stupid to know better. Additionally, you are leveraging God in a manipulative fashion against anyone you offended in your sin (i.e., “If God has forgiven me, why can’t you?”). If this fits you, receive the strong warning of Galatians 6:7, “God is not mocked.”“There can be no secrecy between the soul and God, and therefore there can be no manipulation (p. 122).” Gerald May in Addiction & GraceIf you neglect seeking God’s forgiveness (i.e., “I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I should have to pay for what I’ve done wrong. I’ve made enough people suffer because of my selfishness, so I shouldn’t add Jesus to the list.”), then you are wallowing in self-pity and will remain in the same shame-cycle that has likely fueled your addiction for a long time. Relationally, you would be remaining an “unsafe” person who, by virtue of your self-pity, will manipulate others with your use of guilt. The only way out of sin is through genuine repentance. All lasting change is built upon repentance. Repentance is when we change our primary allegiance from self to God. Repentance is when we turn from trusting our ways to trusting God’s ways. Repentance is when our primary goal changes from self-satisfaction and self-protection to glorifying God and loving others according to God’s design.This chapter solidifies all the work you have done so far and serves as the foundation for each step remaining in the process. You have learned a great deal about yourself and your sin in the first three steps. Repentance is when you commit to quit trying to make your broken ways work. We will look at repentance in three sections. To Whom Are You Repenting?Key Elements of RepentanceSample Prayer of Repentance See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It is unfortunate that this step will likely not be as satisfying as we would like. We often fall into the trap of thinking that if we understand the “why” better, then the “what” will be easy, or at least easier. There are at least two realities that disrupt this seemingly sound logic. First, sin is not rational, so it refuses to play by our rules of logic. Sin is not a simple behavior that operates according to single-variable motivations. Rather sin is a condition and a predator. Sin has its roots in our fallen human nature. Sin is aided and abetted by an enemy who desires our destruction (I Peter 5:8). This means that sin both has the home field advantage and is willing to cheat to win. This is why simple, temporary measures will never be sufficient. Second, our goal must be effectiveness-at-change rather than ease-of-change or our best intentions will lead us back into addiction. Sin is always willing to wait for a more opportune time (Luke 4:13) if its interests are not best served in a given moment. The moments when we let our guard down are the times when our intelligent adversary will strike. Anything that undermines our vigilance is an asset to our adversary. But these realities do not make an examination of the history and motives of our addiction fruitless. It just means that what we intuitively want from this examination is overly optimistic. What we can gain is a better understanding of (a) what motives drive our addiction, (b) the context in which those desires became excessively dominant, and (c) how those desires began to take on a god-like function in our lives.The more honestly and accurately we are able to make these assessments in real time, the more effectively we will be at relying on God and reaching out to our support network for help. The more “foreign” or “crazy” our motives feel to us, the less likely we are to tell others what is going on. The more these things make sense to us, even if we disagree with the values behind the motives, the more willing we will be to ask for help. We will consider this step in three sections:Another Look at Your HistoryIdentifying and Talking to Your MotivesCapturing Each Struggle in Real Time See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Thank you for continuing on this journey. It takes courage to persevere in something that is difficult. You are to be commended for completing step one and beginning step two. In this step we will examine the breadth and impact of our addictions. In step one, we named our struggle; now we will examine it.As we consider the impact of your struggle, I want to ask you to wrestle with a difficult question. Be as honest and objective as you can. One of the primary goals of this chapter is to help you answer this question as concretely as possible.Reflection: What do you think will be the result if you continue with your addictive behavior(s) for the next 5-10 years?At the end of this chapter you will be asked to make a decision, “Is change worth the effort?” The goal is not for you to engage this question in an emotional or reactionary way; making commitments out of exasperation or giving up. You will be asked to make a reasoned conclusion to the question, “How do the benefits of continuing my life as-is compare to the costs living as I am?” If your assessment (no one else’s, you must make this choice) is that it is the most objectively wise and God-honoring thing for you to do to pursue sobriety, then you will be asked to commit to this goal and making a personalized plan to pursue it.Before making that assessment, we will examine three areas of your life.The History and Growth of My AddictionThe Impact of My Addiction on MeThe Impact of My Addiction on Others See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Thank you for the courage and humility represented in your willingness to engage this material. Doubtless, if alcohol or drugs have disrupted your life and hurt those you love, many people have tried to force you to change and make you admit the problem. That is a hard context in which to explore the possibility of change. That is why it is important for you to know that every decision in this study is yours to make or not make. Like it or not, for better or worse, the direction of your life is in your hands. No attempt will be made to compel you to do things you don’t want to do. You will be asked to honestly examine the role and impact of alcohol and/or drugs in your life. If it has become enslaving for you and/or harmful to those you love, you will be encouraged to seek freedom in the form of abstinence through the power of the gospel with the support of the community of faith. But that choice is yours.This study is merely a guide and an option. It does not purport superiority to 12 step groups, residential treatment, medical interventions, or your personal plan to sobriety. Actually, it may be used in conjunction to any of these. What you hold is a resource, rooted in Scripture and supplemented with research, on how to find freedom in Christ from addiction.An initial caution is in order. Don’t make a pre-mature commitment that you’re “going to do it this time.” A formal commitment will be asked for at the end of step two. For now, seriously considering change is sufficient. By the end of step two you should have assessed whether change is needed and worth it. If your answer is “Yes,” then at that point make a commitment to change and stick with it through whatever challenges and relapses may arise.Reflection: What would you be giving up if you quit your addiction? This is an important and often neglected question.There will be four areas of focus in step one.Assessing Your Level of MotivationEvaluating the Severity of AddictionExamining Definitions of AddictionUnderstanding the Importance of Honesty See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.