Negotiating with Narcissists, with Frederik Ribersson

Dogmatic people refuse to change their minds about topics. However, until we realise this, we can assume people are open to new facts or blind spots. But it's exhausting and dishonest. After all, if people are certain they are 100% right about everything all of the time (1 chance in a million), the probability we can change their mind is... 0%.So just say "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you're dogmatic about this." And if they say they are not, well, then things get fun.As always, thanks for tuning in! Hope everyone is well!

I went to an event and it was weird. One person was being hyper negative, hijacked the event, made people uncomfortable - and some "flying monkeys" encouraged it.Regardless of the details, we can learn from dynamics and hopefully help you avoid the same type of uncomfortable situation in the future by helping you be prepared.

Fungibility is a term used in economics to describe "items that can be mixed without differentiating the source". For example, if you and I pour a bottle of water into a pan, the water is mixed. We can't separate your water from mine.Most of us view attention differently. A partner's attention is worth MORE than a random strangers. But narcissists see things differently. They don't care where the attention comes from, provided they get it, and enough of it. That is why it's so easy for them to discard you when you no longer supply enough attention.

Narcissists love pretending to be offended. It puts them at the centre of attention, they can pretend cry, get sympathy, bully others. But this is not enough for them. This is why they get offended "in absentia", they pretend to be offended "on behalf of people who are not present" - and who often do not actually exist. This is an effective strategy to bully others, but there is one key tell that lets us know whether we are being provided good faith feedback, or are being told rubbish by a toxic person who is faking offense.

Narcissists will accuse people of doing EXACTLY what they are doing. If you see a problem and want to make an accurate diagnostic, they will accuse you of complaining. This happened to me, recently. In this episode, I share how I handled the situation, the logic and techniques I used, so you might be able to use them too, if it is safe for you to use them. And, in all cases, this will make it harder for you to be gaslit into believing that you're complaining when you're actually trying to solve situations.

After a toxic relationship, it can be common to obsess over what happened - and even date more people who present the same symptoms of personality disorder. Why? This episode explores some potential reasons -and what to do to avoid this.

Knowing red flags is helpful in avoiding narcissists BUT if we conflate them with red lights, it can PREVENT us from actually moving forward. It is vital to know the difference between red flags we learn to recognise and actual red lights. In the episode, we review what red flags are, why they are NOT red flights. And we look at what red herrings are, and why confused thinking makes us more vulnerable to narcissists.

There are 6 levels of lying, from the least bad to the absolute worst. Once we recognise them, we are less easy to manipulate and be gaslit. The levels are: 1. Being wrong (technically not lying) 2. Hyperbole 3. Spinning 4. Lying And the two narcissist / cult levels are: 5. Brain washing (selling a world narrative that is false / unverifiable) 6. Gaslighting (telling you that "you are not seeing what you think you are seeing".

Laura was a guest in a guesthouse. But she acted as though we were her guests: she bossed people around, and was obnoxious. But one lie she told uncovered the truth, and she turned on me. This is the sad story of Laura, little dog Simba, and some reflexions on how to spot and deal with toxic people and narcissists.

She had had a bad breakup after 20 years with someone, 15 of which he had been obnoxious and presented symptoms of having a personality disorder. And she could not wrap her head around this. But I figured out how to reframe the situation for her to get it. She laughed, snapped out of the hypnosis, and FINALLY turned the page. This is the story.

Narcissists rely on lies that are propped up by other lies. Why? It makes it easier for them to manipulate us. It is hard to believe one person can lie so much. But also, by relying on a "mesh network", it means that even if one lie is exposed, the network of lies still resists. And we are more likely to just shrug off anomaly after anomaly. Until we realise what is happening, the whole network crashes and we experience a "narrative collapse", where our whole world view seems crazy. Learn to recognise this, and make yourself less vulnerable to their manipulation.

Narcissists and cults, whether spiritual or political, brainwash people in order to control them. Fortunately, there are certain tells that we have been brainwashed. And once we are aware of these, it becomes less hard to deprogram ourselves and start to think clearly again. This applies to narcissists in romantic relationships, at work, in NGOs, political movements, and in "spiritual groups".

Narcissists lie, a lot. And for the lies to work, they rely (pun?) on us "reading between the lines". While this is a good idea with healthy people, it is a terrible idea with liars. So instead, when someone says something weird, you can ask this question: what do you mean?

Narcissists count on us to politely fill the blanks. And they like to be obnoxious to trigger us. But what happens when we don't do what they want, and do this instead?

I share two stories of meeting people and they did something that was really off, signalling with high probability they might be narcissists. Or at least jerks and really unpleasant to be around. I share both stories and observations.

Toxic people and narcissists are often mean. And then nice. Or first nice, and then mean. And it seems to make no sense. But there is a really good reason why they act this way. And it probably explains why those relationships are doomed for failure.

Everyone makes bad decisions sometimes. So it's easy to assume that all bad decisions are « good faith bad decisions ». But narcissists game this. And we can figure out when. In this episode, I share how.

Narcissists are a bad deal. So let's see if tools used to analyse deals can help us identify toxic relationships and make more sense of why they are such a... bad deal. #npd #narcissism #narcissist #toxicrelationship

It is increasingly common for people to think like narcissists. And until we're aware of what that looks like, there is a risk we do too. We know narcissists have a simplistic view of the world. Here is how you can spot a "narclogic view", why it is nonsense, how you can debunk it (if you need to) and how you can avoid getting caught up in exhausting narcissist games. #narcissism #manipulation #npd #narcissist

I read the introduction to my upcoming book regarding common mistakes people make about narcissism, which prevent them from healing and getting their lives back on track. I share a bit of my backstory and some thoughts about why this is important.

Narcissists love to infiltrate and take over groups. It's less effort than creating a group. There are certain patterns they follow. I observe 6 stages of the takeover. Hopefully this will make you less vulnerable.

Narcissists will claim to know a lot. They will appear certain. And yet, many of the things they claim to know are... unknowable. Or it is not possible for them to be as certain as they are. In this episode, I share some thoughts to avoid falling for the "certainty = credibility" trap.

I just came across an article "what words can destroy a narcissist" on some website. I think it was generated by AI. And it was full of really toxic ideas and thought structures. I recorded my debunking of these ideas that WILL backfire on anyone who tries them. I really dislike when people take advantage of others. And it's important to recognise bad and unhelpful ideas.

Cults and Narcissists use nearly identical manipulation tricks that are very effective - until we recognise them and debunk them. In this episode I share 6 of these tricks they play and make some suggestions to make yourself less vulnerable.

Here is a sneak preview of some ideas I explore in the book I am writing on narcissism. I finally found an angle I think is relevant and would love to hear what you think. I list the 11 mistakes below. And if you'd like to accelerate your healing process, why not see if the Healing After Narcissists course might be helpful? It comes with a money back guarantee: https://healingafternarcissists.ribersson.com The mistakes are: 1. Wanting to diagnose 2. Wanting to understand 3. Wanting to fix them 4. Wanting to not see the obvious 5. Wanting to believe it's our fault, i.e. it's fixable and it's something we did 6. Wanting to always learn more (become obsessed) 7. Wanting to not let go 8. Wanting to believe someone has the answers 9. Wanting a simplistic answer (worldview) 10. Wanting to be validated 11. Wanting a distraction

Narcissists use convoluted / stupid thinking to manipulate others and defend low quality ideas. Once we recognise HOW narcissists think, it becomes easier to avoid being manipulated and to avoid embracing low quality ideas. In this episode I share 11 of these ideas and debunk the.

Is therapy helpful after being with a narcissist? Is all therapy equal? What are some things to look out for? What was my experience working with a therapist through a breakup WITHOUT being aware of narcissism? I share some thoughts on this topic. In short, I recommend working with licensed therapists who have experience dealing with personality disorders, otherwise you run the risk of the "both people contributed to the problems". This usually is true, and it is very different when one person is pretending to be someone else.

When a friend's new partner starts employing Isolation Tactics, or Loyalty Challenge, when they are trying to create conflict between the friend and their Support Group, what is really going on? And if you put down boundaries, are you being unreasonable or… Doing the right thing? Tune in to find out!

Narcissists use Rupars to gaslight us. The technique is obnoxious, and effective, and can make us hallucinate they are right, and we are wrong. So what is a Rupar, how does it work, and how can we avoid getting rupared by #narcissists?

Why don't narcissists admit when they get something wrong? There are two reasons. Until we understand them, we are likely to try to get them to see things from our point of view. That is exhausting and frustrating. But once we understand why we can't work through things with them, it becomes easier to stop wasting our time and energy.

When you first realise that someone matches the profile of a narcissist, and you tell your friends, many people will not believe you. There are some common sentences they will use to express. What basically is cognitive dissonance. In this episode, I run through 10 sentences and I share some perspectives and how to approach them.

Narcissists and cults use similar manipulation tactics to wear people down. In this livestream from YouTube, I share some thoughts.

What is the first sign of a toxic dynamic? We often look for behaviours and patterns, but maybe the first sign is a feeling we have, a sinking feeling, not feeling good enough. And maybe the first symptom of that is when we stop doing things that we love and that are good for us. The nice "focus boosting" drink called Magic Mind I mentioned, with many healthy ingredients, has a special offer in January, which you can find here: https://www.magicmind.com/JANfrederikribersson And if you use the code RIBERSSON20, you'll get another 20% off your order. I tried and enjoy this drink (who are kindly sponsoring this episode), so am happy to mention it to my audience.

Narcissists wear us down. It's the same tactics cults use. And their programming will stay with us for years, until we undo it. So the abuse continues. Why do they do they? And what can we do? The episode is kindly sponsored by Magic Mind, a drink that blends some well recognised mental stimulants to help increase clarity and focus, without overdoing caffeine. This is relevant because the incessant "too little sleep, too much coffee, being awake but jittery, too wound up to sleep, drinking alcohol, too little sleep" cycle makes us far more vulnerable to manipulation from narcissists - as well as just being bad for our health. They have a special offer in January 2024, if you subscribe for 3 months, you get one month free here: ⁠https://www.magicmind.com/JANfrederikribersson⁠ And if you use code RIBERSSON20, you'll get an extra 20% off.

Relationships with narcissists can't work out. And the reason is obvious, once we see it. A client was asking if things failed because of what she did, or didn't do, or say, or wear, or some other random detail. No, obviously not. But she was looked at the wrong level. In this episode, I share a simple model and question that help see the big picture and give us much needed perspective. On a different topic, a nice "focus boosting" drink called Magic Mind with many healthy ingredients has a special offer in January, which you can find here: https://www.magicmind.com/JANfrederikribersson And if you use the code RIBERSSON20, you'll get another 20% off your order. I tried and enjoy this drink (who are kindly sponsoring some episodes, though not this one), so am happy to mention it to my audience.

Though we don't control 100% of our lives, we control more than 0.0% of them. Getting away (and staying away) from narcissists is easier when we make some changes that seem small, but add up. Even in the the worst situations, there are some things we can do. In this episode I share 10 of these tips. The episode is kindly sponsored by Magic Mind, a drink that blends some well recognised mental stimulants to help increase clarity and focus, without overdoing caffeine. This is relevant because the incessant "too little sleep, too much coffee, being awake but jittery, too wound up to sleep, drinking alcohol, too little sleep" cycle makes us far more vulnerable to manipulation from narcissists - as well as just being bad for our health. They have a special offer in January 2024, if you subscribe for 3 months, you get one month free here: https://www.magicmind.com/JANfrederikribersson And if you use code RIBERSSON20, you'll get an extra 20% off.

Dr Heidi Brocke realised she was married to a narcissist. They had children. She took the incredibly difficult decision to leave, and leave her children with their father. Why? And what happened? (Spoiler: things turned out well). Now she helps people identify and escape toxic relationships. In this conversation, we discuss our observations around dynamics, share helpful ideas, and more. I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed interviewing Heidi. You can find more information about her here: https://coachingwithdrheidi.com/ And listen to her podcast here: https://open.spotify.com/show/0Fu2MfK3dA7lb21IngEJyc And a nice "focus boosting" drink called Magic Mind with many healthy incredients has a special offer in January, which you can find here: https://www.magicmind.com/JANfrederikribersson And if you use the code RIBERSSON20, you'll get another 20% off your order. I tried and enjoy this drink (who are kindly sponsoring some episodes, though not this one), so am happy to mention it to my audience.

How can a simple 0 to 10 scale help us have a better Christmas, even with narcissists? How can it help us manage our expectations, get less wound up, and maybe even make things better? Tune in to find out. And a Very Merry Christmas to you!

Christmas is supposed to be a wonderful time with our loved ones. But all it takes is one narcissist to spoil this time. Here are a few tips to remember to decrease the likelihood they wind you up and ruin your Christmas. And Merry Christmas, and thank you for following this podcast!

Narcissists are really annoying. Often. But why? Some common beliefs make them hard to understand, but once we see clearly, it makes more sense. I had a few conversations recently trying to decode their logic and motivations. This episode might help you make more sense of their otherwise bizarre behaviour.

Breaking up with a narcissist can be a nightmare, if you decide to: emotional manipulation, guilt tripping, hoovering and more are common as means to torture you into taking them back, so they can extract more energy from you. But is there a way to get them to leave you so that they... leave you alone? Maybe. Tune in to find out.

With narcissists, there always is a first moment we sense something is wrong. A strange look. A fight coming out of nowhere. A suggestion they think we are a bad person. Them stabbing us in the back (or the face). What can we learn from this? How can we use this to reduce the risk of being taken advantage of in the future? I share some thoughts and stories.

We often wonder why narcissists don't change. It seems illogical, yet it is what we observe. But... why would they change? Here are some thoughts on why they don't - and why we don't want to change either.

Narcissists play toxic games. Many of these are common and can be recognised. In this episode, I share some tips to recognise games and we analyse a few of the games narcissists commonly play, as well as a few suggestions to avoid getting up in autopilot. You can read more about these games here: https://ericberne.com/games-people-play/im-only-trying-to-help-you/

Narcissists use double standards to create conflict. How? They escalate debates using semi-bad faith methods, being a bit provocative - but when we match them, they accuse us of doing what they did. What can we do? Tune in to find out!

Narcissists want us to turn against the people who actually have our backs. Why? It isolates us, makes us easier to manipulate - and makes it easier for THEM to do the manipulation.

When talking with narcissists and toxic people, we can get caught in bad faith arguments. How can we recognise this and avoid getting stuck in narc logic and, instead, highlight how their logic is illogical, unhealthy and dishonest? In this podcast exclusive episode, I share a few tips. Remember to tune in on YouTube at www.youtube.com/c/fribersson for more episodes.

Narcissists trick us into interacting with them. How? This short parable illustrates some of their tricks - and the second part of this episode deconstructs the main ideas. So you hopefully are less likely to get scammed again in the future!

If you have ever tried to warn people that someone might be a narcissist or is toxic, you probably noticed it almost never works. Why is that? In this podcast exclusive episode, I share some hypothesis, as well as some suggestions that have worked more often.

Psychometrics can be key in understanding ourselves in general. However, they become particularly illuminating when we seek to understand toxic dynamics with narcissists. I was delighted to interview Dr Stewart Desson, CEO and Founder of Lumina Learning, the psychometrics tool I use with my clients. A few features I particularly like with Lumina are: - a breakdown into 8 aspects of personality - each divided in 24 qualities - each divided into three "personas": when we are relaxed, how ever are everyday, and when we are stressed - aspects and qualities are NOT mutually exclusive: we can score high both on introversion AND extraversion, or on logic AND empathy. I hope you enjoy this interview - I found Stewart fascinating. To learn more about Lumina Learning and the free Splash app (low resolution portrait), visit: https://luminalearning.com

Last night I witnessed a woman abusing her boyfriend over dinner. She operated in 6 stages to break him down. I share those six stages and some ways to reduce the risk of being hurt in such situations.