Pamela A. Karanova

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2023/03/15/various-new-articles-are-featured-on-my-substack-the-real-adoptea-moxieMany of you are already aware that I am now writing on my new Substack platform – The Real Adoptea Moxie! I am having a blast and I would love to invite you to join me! While some of you have been following my website for a very long time, I will be sure to visit from time to time to share snippets of some of the articles I am writing on my Substack platform. --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/pamela-karanova/support

For over a decade now, I've witnessed some very significant walls that are in place between individuals in the adoption constellation that have blocked the truth from coming to light. My new column is dedicated to breaking these walls (barriers) down so everyone in the adoption constellation has a more well-rounded perspective on how it feels to be adopted from the adult adoptee's perspective. After spending over a decade in adoptee spaces, I've been able to gain valuable insight from healing in my own personal journey but also walking with my fellow adoptees out of the darkness into the light when it comes to our experiences being adopted. My new Substack Newsletter “The Real Adoptea Moxie” recently launched. I'm opening my “Ask Me Anything” Column to answer questions from anyone who would like more insight into the adoptee experience. Maybe you are married to an adoptee or an adoptive parent seeking clarity or suggestions? Maybe you are an adoptee dealing with a significant struggle? Maybe your best friend is an adoptee? This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2023/02/16/ask-me-anything-column-on-substack-at-the-real-adoptea-moxie-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/pamela-karanova/support

Bold | Courageous | Fierce | Writer | Unruly Adoptee | Truth Seeker | Uncensored Adoptea – Dishing out authentic, bonafide adoptee realitea one click, article, comment, and post at a time, adding uncensored and unfiltered rants and raves with an occasional impromptu cup of hot tea & virtual chat time with fellow adoptees & subscribers. Moxie – Moxie describes someone with a fighting spirit. If you've got moxie, you've got confidence, grit, determination, and nerve. If you've got moxie, you have a growth mindset, which means you can't be stopped by an emotional response to a challenging situation and, ultimately, not by anything. Moxie is a word that means: strength of character. It means courage and spunk. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2023/01/23/the-real-adoptea-moxie-by-pamela-a-karanova-is-now-on-substack/ --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/pamela-karanova/support

For years now, I have had strained or missing relationships with all of my parents on paper and my biological parents. But, in the last twelve years, they have all passed away one by one—four people with whom I had four unusual or missing relationships. Two of them passed away in the last six months. As a result, my obsession with trolling for obituaries on Google has concluded. I won't miss it because, like closed adoption, it's torture and agonizing. How would you feel if the only way you might learn of your parent's or family members passing was by conducting Google searches weekly or sometimes daily looking for obituaries? What if this went on for years or even a lifetime? How many of my fellow adoptees have found themselves doing this? How does it make you feel? This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2023/01/09/the-essence-of-my-biological-parents-and-my-adoptive-parents-being-deceased-an-adoptees-perspective/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

I genuinely believe the topic of newborn bonding isn't brought to light enough in the adoption arena, so I decided to share my adoptee feelings about it based on my lived experience. Just because someone adopts a child doesn't mean the adoptee will bond or attach to the adoptive mother or father. It's also essential to note that not all adoptive parents can form an attachment or bond with their adopted child. This is not guaranteed, yet it's almost always dismissed as if it isn't a real possibility. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/12/28/the-perplexity-of-forced-bonding-in-adoption-an-adoptees-perspective/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

This website has saved me so many times from releasing my burdensome thoughts to those I am close to. Over the last decade, being able to share my big adoptee sentiments here on my website has likely saved my life many times over! Thank you for being here and allowing me to communicate my inner adoptee thoughts and struggles. We all need a space like this, and if you are an adoptee and don't have it, I inspire you to get it! While 2022 is winding up, the year will soon be behind us. But, as we step into 2023, I can't help but acknowledge all the changes and growth that's transpired in 2022 in my personal life. So much greatness has happened that I will be eternally grateful for. Yet, I've also experienced many significant things that have created a layer of sadness that I'm unsure what to do with. Holidays are challenging in general and even more so for adoptees. While everyone is arranging holiday get-togethers with family and celebrating life and the marvelous things it brings, I am drowning in my sadness. Welcome to adoption. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/12/21/a-living-breathing-inconvenience-the-war-within-an-adoptees-perspective/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

We've heard it for centuries, as early as 1967 when the Beatles released a number-one hit song, “All you need is love.” The lyrics have echoed throughout time, wildly reverberating throughout adoption communities. However, adoptive parents shine bright when it comes to wanting to offer Love to the child they hope to gain through adoption, placing it at the forefront of their motives to adopt. While they might have pure intentions, there are some layers to the adoptee experience they should consider. What if love isn't enough or a house full of stuff? What if the wound from separation trauma is too big to heal? What if they adopt a child that doesn't bond with them? What if the adoption agencies and advocates haven't been honest and forthcoming about the other side of the narrative that's almost always ignored, the feelings of an adopted child once they grow up? What if they have been sold a lie regarding adoption, and they don't know what they don't know? What if they know it, yet they have chosen to ignore it? This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/12/20/why-love-isnt-enough-or-a-house-full-of-stuff-an-adoptees-perspective/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

You have come to the right place if you are looking for the best adoption quotes from the transracial adoptee's perspective. This article shares 100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor's the Truth of Adoption from the transracial adult adoptee perspective. As we end 2022, I decided to call my fellow adoptees to help collaborate and share quotes from the heart, reflecting the voices almost always overlooked in the adoption constellation. So, 100 transracial adoptees came together to capture some of the feelings and experiences that transracial adoptees go through during their lifetimes. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/11/02/concluding-adoptee-remembrance-day-october-30th-2022-but-adoptee-voices-will-continue-to-blaze/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

You have come to the right place if you are looking for the best adoption quotes from the transracial adoptee's perspective. This article shares 100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor's the Truth of Adoption from the transracial adult adoptee perspective. As we end 2022, I decided to call my fellow adoptees to help collaborate and share quotes from the heart, reflecting the voices almost always overlooked in the adoption constellation. So, 100 transracial adoptees came together to capture some of the feelings and experiences that transracial adoptees go through during their lifetimes. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/12/04/100-heartfelt-transracial-adoptee-quotes-that-honor-the-truth-of-adoption/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Soon we will be honoring our 3rd annual Adoptee Remembrance Day – on October 30th around the globe. This is a day to reflect on the side of adoption that's almost always ignored. I would love to ask for the support of all who care to take the time to listen and learn that there is more to the adoptee and adoption experience than what society portrays. If you have an open heart and an open mind, please proceed with the willingness to listen and learn from a well-versed adult adoptee with some essential things to share that could be life-saving for adoptees worldwide. Thank you in advance. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/10/19/for-all-the-people-in-the-back-its-time-to-acknowledge-adoptee-remembrance-day-october-30th/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

November 11th, 2010, was a game changer for me. After learning my birth father's name and receiving confirmation of his location from multiple sources, I made a decision. I could leave my birth mother's funeral and drive back to Kentucky on a ten-hour trip home, or I could drive to Leon, Iowa, and show up at my birth father's door and introduce myself! Unfortunately, the latter would put me way out of touch with getting home to Kentucky at a decent hour, adding over six hours to my driving time. After doing some digging, I was able to find the name and phone number of the biological cousin that my aunt Nan mentioned, whose name was Brian. I called him, and he acknowledged who Jack Jennings was and confirmed where he lived in Leon, Iowa. I told him I was Eileen's biological daughter, and I had been told Jack was my father. He concluded that Jack was a pall barrier at my grandfather's funeral, and he was a close family friend. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/08/04/chapter-20-whos-your-mother-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

While my kids stayed in Kentucky with the twins grandma, I hit the road in November of 2010 and arrived in Waterloo, Iowa, on the day of Eileen's funeral. I was entirely out of my element, being the adoptee outsider feeling invisible. Yet, I knew I was born at St. Frances Hospital in Waterloo, where my birth mother was. Waterloo always gave me an eerie feeling, one I have difficulty describing in words. I have had dreams my whole life off and on about Saint Frances Hospital. I was five years old in the dream when I discovered I was adopted. I'm at St. Francis Hospital on the maternity ward where I was born and the last place I was with my birth mother before we were separated for life. I'm a little girl in the dream, wearing nothing but a small hospital gown with bare feet. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/07/25/chapter-19-a-casket-and-clues-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

My first task after arriving in Lexington was to find a job and a new place to live. Of course, with no car, that wouldn't be an easy task; however, I knew I could do whatever I set my mind to do. Thankfully, I could transfer my housing assistance voucher back to Kentucky, which would help me escalate finding a place to live. I was so thankful for this resource; otherwise, I don't know what I would have done. Waking up in a new place with new circumstances was scary, but my detachment from Patricia gave me a zest for life that I had never experienced before. I was finally free, but now what? I knew deep down I had so much to recover from, 31 years of traumatic experiences, to be exact. But I put being a mom first and foremost, and my self-repair work seemed to be on the backburner. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/07/14/chapter-18-ulterior-motives-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

While I had no biological or adoptive family in Kentucky, my twin's grandmother lived there. She was always supportive and involved in the twin's life as much as she could be states away and before we moved to Utah. On one occasion, she came to Salt Lake City to visit us through Greyhound Bus and spent several days. When contemplating my great escape to move back to Kentucky, she would be a critical lifeline in making this decision. If it weren't for her, we never would have made it. She agreed to let us stay with her until we got on our feet which was an extension of her kindness and care for my kids and me. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/07/11/chapter-17-new-beginnings-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

I remember several life-altering experiences during our five years in Salt Lake City. I was drinking my life away, partying while working, and being a single mom. I was in one relationship in the five years I was there. I think my relationships with men always filled the void in my life from relinquishment from my birth mother. Alcohol also filled the void and got me in a heap of trouble on many occasions. I was invited to a party, desperate to make friends and be social in a city much more extensive than Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and Lexington, Kentucky. I drove across the valley to the party and remember leaving entirely intoxicated to find my way home. I ended up at a gas station in Ogden, Utah, about 30 minutes from Salt Lake City. I was going the wrong way; however, I was so trashed I had no idea how to find my way home. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/07/09/chapter-16-five-years-in-salt-lake-city-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

The three-day journey to Utah from Kentucky seemed like an eternity. The twins weren't even a year old yet, and Keila was close to five years old. I was piled into a car with Patricia and my kids. We stopped every hour or so to tend to the kids and to use the restroom. One of Patricia's friends drove the U-Haul 1654 miles across the country, and it wouldn't go over 60 MPH because we had it so filled with the belongings of two adult households and three kids. It was a grueling three-day trip, but in the summer of 2000, we made it to Salt Lake City. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/07/03/chapter-15-deal-breaker-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Life was about to take a whole new turn. I graduated from high school and got my diploma, and I also enrolled in some courses at the local community college. On May 21, 1998, I gave birth to twins as 29-week preemies. Damia weighed 2lb 5oz, and Damond, who weighed 3lb 1oz. While I welcomed two beautiful babies into the world, Keila was four years old at the time. I was a struggling but strong-willed single mother. There was nothing that was going to come between my kids and me. Once again, I was forced to depend on Patricia because I had no family in Kentucky, but I also depended on public assistance to help with the bare minimum and keep the lights on. Because the twins were so small, I had to keep them home and out of daycare for the first year. This made it impossible for me to work, so I had no choice but to get food stamps, Medicaid, and housing assistance. We didn't have a car, but we managed. My deep-rooted skills of taking the city bus as a young kid would learn to pay off. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/07/03/chapter-14-the-struggle-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Even when the signs were right before me, I was still the naive adoptee. Putting myself “out there,” never dreaming for a million years that things could end up a different way than I had imagined. A lifetime of fantasizing about Eileen and being told she “loved me so much” couldn't possibly prepare me for the reality that would unfold over the next 15 years of my life. A few weeks after returning to Kentucky from visiting Eileen for the first time, I called her to say, “Hello.” The phone rang, and rang, and rang. No one answered. I left a voicemail, “Hi Eileen; I was calling to say hello and see how you were. Call me when you can. I hope you are well. – Pam.” This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/07/03/chapter-13-the-naive-adoptee-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Joanna picked me up from the airport in Waterloo, Iowa, the town I was born in, where Eileen lived. It was a cool crisp morning in September of 1995. The leaves started falling and stirring on the ground, adding beautiful colors to the landscapes. The drive to Eileen's was only about 10 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. Then, finally, we pulled up in her driveway, and I was anxious but on cloud nine simultaneously. I had no idea what to expect, but I know I had fantasized about this day my entire life. I was hoping for an immediate connection, a long motherly embrace to compensate for the lost 21 years together. I silently wished for a reunion as we see on all the television shows, you know, the warm fuzzy ones full of emotion and warmth. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/07/03/chapter-12-illusions-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

I was elated that I was on the phone with the woman I had fantasized about my entire life. “I have thought of you every year on your birthday, and I hope you have had a great life. What is it you would like to know?” Eileen said. “I would love to learn more about you and your life. Do I have any siblings?” I said “Well, I enjoy Rod Stewart, he's my favorite artist. I collect Garfield memorabilia, and I have one daughter, but she doesn't know anything about you, and I prefer to keep it this way” she said. “Thank you for sharing. Can you tell me who my biological father is?” I said? This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/06/22/chapter-11-high-hopes-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

I will never forget Patricia's following words, “When we were going to sign the adoption paperwork, the attorney gave us the wrong paperwork. Thomas saw your birth mother's name. If you call him, he might remember it.” The emotions that came over my body at that moment are so complex and deep that I don't think I've felt such mixed emotions all at once before. Part of me filled with rage because she lied to me my whole life. Even knowing I was in extreme agony, she told the stale lie repeatedly, even knowing the truth? I will never trust her or forgive her for this, ever. The other part was elated at the hope of Thomas remembering my birth mother's name. Within minutes I picked up the phone and called Thomas. “Hi Daddy, Mom said that when you were adopting me, the attorney gave you the wrong paperwork to sign, and you saw my birth mother's name? Do you remember her name?” This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/06/22/chapter-10-paperwork-promises-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

The next few years of my life were blurred, and the memories I have during this period aren't genuinely happy or wholesome. I was constantly partying, and the less I had to sit with myself, the better. Don't get me wrong, knowing how to party brought on a whole “fun” side of life; however, it was all a mask to cover up the internal sadness and heartache I felt. I still thought of my birth mother, but at this stage of my life, living states away, DNA wasn't a thing, nor was the internet, so I had no clues to go on when it came to finding her. Was she looking for me? If she “loved me so much,” I hoped she would be. But instead, internal sadness loomed as a dark cloud hung over my head, following me everywhere I went. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/06/21/chapter-9-a-reason-to-live-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Trigger Warning // Suicide // Physical Abuse Approximately 6-8 hours after trying to leave this world, I woke up with a hazy and sluggish feeling all over my body and mind. I remember lying in bed thinking, “Damn, I woke back up! Wasn't I supposed to be meeting the Devil at the gates of hell right about now?” I could hardly believe it. Looking back over that time in my life, one of the most shocking things is that hell seemed like a better solution than living in my reality on earth. That is tremendous because I knew I was going to hell for everything I had done to deserve it, but I didn't care because I was drowning in my sorrow. I just wanted the pain to go away. Does this give the world a small glimpse of how significant my adoptee pain was? Possibly, for those who want to try to understand. I was crushed that I woke back up, I didn't want to wake back up, and I had this enormous feeling of guilt that came over me that I couldn't even kill myself right. I felt like a total failure despite all the other feelings I was dealing with. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/06/20/chapter-8-transporting-trauma-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Trigger Warning // Physical Assault // Violence // Suicide Eventually, we left the small two-bedroom Westover Road apartment. Instead, we moved to a bigger three-bedroom townhome closer to Lyndale Mall. My relationship with Giovanni became my whole world, filling a massive hole in my heart from losing my birth mother. Finally, having someone I loved who said they loved me back was a fantastic feeling. Patricia forbid us from seeing one another, just like she forbid me from seeing Tasha. The more she tried to control what I did or who I hung around, the more I rebelled. She would sometimes come home, and Giovanni or Tasha would be hiding in my bedroom closet. They knew how to climb in, and out of my bedroom window, so we didn't sweat it. We were still going to spend time together regardless. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/06/19/chapter-7-goodbye-world-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Trigger Warning // Physical Assault // Violence // Suicide Now that I was no longer visiting the Rodriguez's house, I had more free time on my hands most days. At this stage of my life, Patricia was still working the night shift, and when she was home, she slept all day. We rarely saw one another, but when we did, we fought consistently. My feelings of annoyance and unhappiness around her only increased. I was repulsed by her. I continued to ask her when I could find my birth mother, only to get the same response, “We don't have enough money for an attorney, but when we do, we will try to get the closed records opened.” The less I had to be in Patricia's presence, the better. With Patricia working the night shift, I occasionally had friends over to party when she was at work. I would kick everyone out before she was supposed to get off, and sometimes I would leave myself. I was clearly out of control, and at 15 years old, I only had a few things on my mind, finding my birth mother, living up to the expectations of being bad, and partying hard. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/06/14/chapter-6-twisted-love-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Chapter 5. Runaway Trigger Warning // Rape, Sexual Assault, Suicide This will likely be one of the most challenging chapters I will write for my audible memoir. Some of the experiences I had from 12 to 17 years old are hard to digest, talk about and share with close friends, let alone share publicly. This is a whole new ballgame for me. Yet, I feel they are necessary to share because they directly link to my being adopted and why my mentality was the way it was in my pre-teen and teenage years. Unfortunately, then, the world labeled me as a troubled teen who acted out as a typical rebellion, only increasing my feelings of badness. Adoption was never acknowledged or talked about as a contributing factor. In return, like most adoptees, I was failed and failed miserably. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/06/05/chapter-5-runaway-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

“I see…the way you're always searching. How much you hate anything fake or phony. How you're older than your years, but still…playful, like a little girl. How you're always looking into people, or wondering what they see when they look back at you. Your eyes. It's all in the eyes.” – Claudia Gray My entire childhood is filled with memories of hitting the highway and going back and forth between Dunkerton and Cedar Rapids every other weekend. It was Sunday at 5 PM, and we were swiftly dropped back off into Patricia's care. Thomas and Laura never went inside; they just dropped us off and told us they would see us next time, two weeks later. As soon as we returned to Patricia's, the three-ring circus began. She had clothes piled up, waiting to be ironed. She taught me how to iron at around seven years old, and it was my job to iron all her clothes. As long as my eyes reached the top of the iron board, I could get the job done. By the time I was nine or ten years old, I was a professional ironer. The chores at Patricia's were never-ending. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/05/30/chapter-4-searching-for-clues-among-chaos-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Trigger Warning // Childhood Sexual Abuse It was Friday at 5PM, it was time to head to Dunkerton, where Thomas and Laura lived, along with Mark, Max, and Mike. It was an hour each way from Patricia's house in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. They lived in a house in the country, literally smack dab in the middle of cornfields that surrounded our small cul-de-sac with a few other houses. Thomas worked at John Deere's, and my interactions with him were pleasant most of the time. He was a hard worker and was dedicated to taking care of his family and doing what he had to do to put food on the table. At times, his commute to and from work was an hour each way, and even in the cold, brutal Iowa winters, he did what he had to do to provide for his family. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/05/25/chapter-3-corn-fields-for-days-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Chapter 2. Good Adoptee vs. Bad Adoptee By Pamela A. Karanova Trigger Warning // Suicide While my sneak life brought me some fulfillment in my childhood, what was going on inside behind closed doors was something almost no one knew about. Patricia suffered from untreated manic depressive disorder and what I believe to be schizophrenic episodes. She had manic episodes regularly, and they would be integrated with emotional outbursts that created a very toxic environment. Some days were worse than others, but one thing is for sure, I don't remember any days where she resembled a happy and healthy mother. She would get angry with us on a bad day and tie us to the dining room chairs with dish towels. Next, she would tie the towels together to make a longer towel, sometimes several. Finally, she tied them around our waist and our mouths with our hands tied behind our backs. She would leave us there whenever she needed us to be out of her way, sometimes minutes and sometimes hours. No telling what the reason was she did this; it could be because I kept running outside every chance I could to escape or because she needed to take a nap. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/05/19/chapter-2-good-adoptee-vs-bad-adoptee-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” – Anne Lamott. I grew up in a small town in Iowa called Cedar Rapids otherwise known as “The City of Five Smells.” Burnt corn, stale, rotten garbage, and overcooked oatmeal are combined to make a nasty stench that covers the city. I will never forget that smell! It's the home of the largest cereal plants in the world, General Mills and Quaker Oats. Cedar Rapids is also known for being the largest corn producing city in the world. I remember wonderful parks where I spent a lot of my childhood. In the summer of 1979, on a hot and humid morning, my five-year-old self moped down the creaky wooden stairs somberly to the living room in the big grey house on 13th street. My hair was a sandy blonde, messy from just waking up. It was 7 AM on a Saturday, and everyone was still asleep. It was quite and peaceful for a change. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/05/17/chapter-1-sneak-life-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

“YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN. THEY ARE SONS AND DAUGHTERS OF LIFE'S LONGING FOR ITSELF. THEY COME THROUGH YOU BUT NOT FROM YOU. AND THOUGH THEY ARE WITH YOU YET THEY BELONG NOT TO YOU.” – KHALIL GIBRAN My story isn't only my own; it's the story of my children, future grandchildren, and the legacy that comes long after I am gone from this earth. I owe the most significant gratitude to my three exceptional adult children, Keila, Damia, and Damond. I am so sorry you have a mom that's been so significantly impacted by adoption, and in return it has impacted each of you greatly. My heart will always hurt because of this. Without you all, I would have taken myself out of my misery long ago. So many times, I have wanted to give up, but you gave me the courage to keep going because of my love for each of you. You have been my biggest supporters and the core reason I have wanted to be the happy, healthy mom you all deserve. Thank you for cheering me on and not giving up on me! This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/05/15/acknowledgements-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

“We have to walk through all the adoptee layers, to make it to the light, but it won't come overnight or without a lifelong fight!” – Finding Purpose in the Pain – One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing, An Audible Memoir By Pamela A. Karanova This is the story of my beginnings of how I was born and grew up, discovered I was adopted, and went on to find my biological family going against the grain of the closed adoption system. This is a story of searching and finding in a time when there was no internet, cell phones, or adoptee-centric connect groups. It's a story of acceptance, acknowledgment, processing grief, loss, abandonment, rejection, and ultimately healing. It's a story of never giving up hope that I would find my people and essentially my truth one day. It's taken me close to 48 years to finally come to a place where I am ready to share my story via an audible memoir. I have been writing for over a decade on my website, and I have attempted to write my story off and on over the last ten years, but one thing was sure. It wasn't time yet. Timing is everything. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/05/15/introduction-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

In 2014, I decided to call on my fellow adoptees on the How Does it Feel to Be Adopted? Page to help collaborate and share thoughts from the heart, reflecting the voices almost always overlooked in the adoption constellation. Over 8 years of collecting these submissions, this article collaborates with over 100 Adoptees who share heartfelt feelings on why they are angry from the adult adoptee's perspective. So, 100 of us came together to capture some of the feelings and experiences adoptees go through during their lifetimes and why we are angry. The reasons an adopted person might be angry are endless and no two adoptee experiences are the same. We experience healing by sharing our feelings and anger is a natural, normal feeling to the adoptee experience. It can add great fuel to our fire to raise awareness, and bring some light to the dark side of adoption that can and does help promote change. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/05/12/adoptees-why-are-you-so-angry-over-100-adoptees-share-heartfelt-feelings/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Over a decade ago, I named my memoir “Finding Purpose in the Pain, One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing,” Although a lot of time has passed, this is still the name I would like my memoir to be today. At one time, I decided to give up on writing a memoir because I feel like, in a way, my website is my memoir. However, I also feel things are so spread out on my website when sharing MY STORY. There are also a lot of things I haven't shared. This website is filled with sharing my insight, experiences, and thoughts. Still, I have recently decided to share my story separately to reach the adoptees who feel isolated and all alone. I want them to know they aren't alone and their feelings are normal for a not normal situation. Nothing is normal about being separated from your biological family at the beginning of life. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/05/11/pamela-a-karanova-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

It's no secret that adoption impacts every adopted person differently. When sharing my story, I describe my separation trauma and relinquishment experience before I was adopted as three separate layers of the primal wound and mother wound: The rejection from my birth mother before I was born. The abandonment and rejection I received from her at birth. The rejection and abandonment I experienced from her after I searched and found her. They all come with their own set of layered pain, and they all have impacted me immensely in every area of my life. We must distinguish the difference in all three, as they are different dynamics to the lived adoptee experience. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/04/26/being-rejected-before-being-born-an-adoptees-perspective/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Many of you have heard of the term “Gotcha Day” over the years, and it seems like it isn't going anywhere. For those new to this term, Gotcha Day is a day our adoptive parents have picked to celebrate, reflecting the day our adoptions are finalized. While I think many of them might have good intentions, this term is problematic for many reasons. I write this article to offer another viewpoint from an adult adoptee. I don't wish to throw anyone under the bus if you choose to celebrate this day. While I have read many articles written by adoptive parents, why they choose to celebrate this day, and even an article or two from a biological mother, I have not read an article focused on an adoptee's perspective. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/04/25/being-groomed-for-gotcha-day-an-adoptees-perspective/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

“All children are a gift from God,” – Says the world. I believe this is part of the reason our adoptive parents refer to us as gifts; however, to refer to each adopted individual as a gift would insinuate that children are owned by someone who then bestows the gift upon a receiver and that this person is now the owner of the property being gifted. I think people likely mean well; however, sometimes, they don't understand the layers and depths of their words when explaining and exploring the different dynamics of the adoption and adoptee experience. Sometimes people can say things that are well intended, but the reality is that they can be hurtful to adoptees. On the other hand, sometimes, a little enlightenment on a topic can go a long way. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/04/23/adoptees-are-not-gifts-and-possessions-an-adoptees-perspective/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

I am learning and growing to understand all the layers of the adoption experience from an adult adoptee's perspective. I am entirely open to learning and growing in my experience, my story, and the stories of my fellow adoptees, intercountry adoptees, and/or multiracial adoptees. Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who is an intercountry adoptee, and the conversation was striking to me. She shared a piece with me I had never thought about before, and with this, I learned something very significant that I feel we should all understand, so I felt the need to share it in this article. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/04/13/the-vital-contrast-between-relinquishment-trauma-separation-trauma-and-adoption-trauma-and-why-we-should-consider-the-difference/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Wow, at how many times I've heard people whispering these sentiments as I walk on by with a giant-sized adoptee chip on my shoulder. I couldn't even begin to count, but it's a lot. Even when they don't say it directly to me, I feel it. But the truth of the matter is that if we're being honest and transparent, a trauma occurs before every adoption occurs when we experience the separation from our biological mothers. Even when adoptees are removed from dire situations and taken into foster care to more safe environments, the trauma of separation is still present. Because of this trauma, every adoptee can equate separating from our biological mothers as a bad adoption experience. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/04/09/she-just-had-a-bad-adoption-experience/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/04/03/calling-for-transracial-adoptee-submissions/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

I feel adoptees have the most powerful voice in the adoption constellation and we hold the keys to understanding and healing not only for ourselves, but the world around us. The key is that non-adoptees have the willingness to listen and learn. I would like to compile an article about why adoptees make the choice to search with an emphasis on it not wavering how much we loved or didn't love our adoptive families. Over and over I hear adoptive family members or non-adoptees discourage adoptees from searching because we should “Just be happy with the family we got” and “We have no idea what we are getting ourselves into” by searching. I would love input from my fellow adoptees to include in this article. Here are the questions over 20 adoptees chimed in on. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/04/01/why-do-adoptees-search-an-adoptee-collaboration/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

I write about the difficult dynamics in adoption, the ones no one wants to talk about. As I have emerged from the fog of adoption, I've learned that not all adoptees are adopted for the reasons most people think they are. So what was the reason your adoptive parents adopted you? What were you told, and did it align with the truth? Society paints a picture that adoptees are taken in when their biological families don't want them. Their adoptive parents have taken on this responsibility to parent another person's child to provide a safe and loving home for the child. The adoptive parents are then seen as heroes and often take on the superior attitude of saving an unwanted child from a life of despair. White savior complex sits front and center on many occasions regarding adoptions today. There is an underbelly to these false realities. This episode is also available as a blog post: https://pamelakaranova.com/2022/03/31/adoptees-why-did-your-adoptive-parents-adopt-you/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Yep, I'm going there. I write about the difficult dynamics in adoption, the ones no one wants to talk about. But before I do, I'm not here to throw my adoptive parents under the bus for what they did or didn't do wrong. At this point, that's water under the bridge for me. I've said for many years that Adoptive Parents aren't my gift. They aren't in my arena of life, and I have purposely set things up to keep most of them out of my space for mental health and self-care reasons. I seem to clash with them, and I have carried great fury toward them over the years. Adoptive parents have been the hardest for me to manage out of all the people in the adoption constellation. Why? This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/03/29/the-raw-resentment-i-have-carried-for-most-adoptive-parents-and-what-changed-an-adoptees-perspective/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

I don't like anyone telling me what to call my biological mother, and when they try, it grinds my gears in a wild ass way! I had a fellow adoptee DEMAND I call my biological mother, MOTHER. If I didn't, she insisted I was feeding into the adoption industry propaganda and that I wasn't being honest because she was, in fact, my mother! I get what she was trying to say; however, no one gets to tell me what to do or how to refer to my biological mother. I will never try to tell anyone how to refer to their BIOLOGICAL MOTHER, FIRST MOTHER, or BIRTH MOTHER. I couldn't call her mother because she didn't earn the right to gain that title. I will share more about that in a few. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/03/28/the-hypocrisy-of-classifying-all-biological-mothers-as-relinquishers-an-adoptees-perspective/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

The thoughts coming to life in this article are reflections I have had brewing for a very long time. My perspective is from the natural lens of an adopted adult who unfortunately had no one from my natural family looking for me, not in this lifetime anyway. What do I mean by “I had no one looking for me?” This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/03/02/being-found-vs-no-one-looking-an-adoptees-perspective/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Something that continuously feels like a kick in the teeth is the need for anyone to proclaim how their adoption story was a wonderful one, in the midst of an adopted adult sharing how our experiences have surfaced grief, loss, trauma, abuse, abandonment, and rejection. Why does anyone feel the need to do this? Do they know it's harmful and hurtful to the validation of your experience and the pain you carry within that experience? I can't help but try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but this topic is noteworthy of an article because I deal with it all the time. And this means many of my fellow adoptees likely do as well! It usually goes something like this – This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/02/25/about-your-happy-adoption-story/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Per-pet-u-al – Never ending or changing, continuing forever. Depending on where you live, most people gain the legal status of being an adult between 18 and 21 years of age. For all the “Adopted Children” between the ages of newborn and 21 years old, I hope by the time you might stumble across this article and reach the legal age of adulthood, things have shifted concerning the topic of this article. I hope those who know you and love you will allow you the space to grow up and stop confining you to the box of being a perpetual child. This article is for you and those who love you! This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/02/22/dear-perpetual-adopted-children-and-everyone-who-knows-and-loves-them/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Before sharing specifics, I need to bring Seasonal Affective Disorder to light. I suffer from this each year as fall approaches until early spring. Because of this, I feel what I describe as the “black hole” is much more prevalent in my life during that time frame. One of the dynamics of my healing journey is that idol time has proven to be a struggle for me. I have more idol time during the fall and winter months because I hate the cold, and can't enjoy my number one escape, nature. When I'm trapped in the house, I experience a part of me that makes me feel guilty for resting, or when I'm not busy, a part of me feels dysfunctional. But, on the other hand, part of me always feels like I need to constantly be productive, active, doing something. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/01/21/being-adopted-and-the-significance-of-the-black-hole/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

I know the title of this article is so much easier said than felt, but man, I have to share a few things about the experiences and wounds that many of us carry that I describe as very deep-rooted abandonment & rejection wounds. When we think of these wounds, we tend to believe that they began after we were born, but I suggest they could have started before birth due to the research I have done over the last 10 years. Just what we need, more cards stacked up against us. But knowledge is power, and it also promotes healing. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/01/19/adoptees-you-are-not-your-abandonment-and-rejection/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

“Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose.” – Janis Joplin. When an adoptee is adopted, we are immediately put in a position where we are expected to forget our former selves and carry on with life as if our pre-adoption life never existed. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/01/16/why-i-have-a-blazing-passion-to-share-my-story-and-what-it-cost-me-to-tell-it/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Disclosure Statement: If you are someone who considers yourself a Christian, Jesus Follower, Church Goer, Religious Guru, Or if you believe your way of spirituality is the only way, I am asking you to save your comments, judgments, and opinions and share them on other platforms as there are many churches, online platforms and religious circles that would love to use the glory in your story to promote their church and religion. Please don't come here to use your story to discredit mine. This page and article isn't for you. We are all free to have our personal spiritual beliefs and journeys. My space's boundary is not allowing others to use their personal stories to belittle mine. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/01/12/she-said-i-would-see-her-in-heaven-one-day-so-i-decided-i-didnt-want-to-go/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support