The History Channeler

*Trigger warning: This issue speaks honestly and frankly about reality, which is very, very upsetting.  Host Scott Pinkmountain returns from years in the wild to deliver the long-awaited solution to the seemingly intractable debate around the 2nd Amendment. Spoiler alert - it's not intractable. He solved it, quite elegantly and fairly, actually. 

This episode has been posted to the processing unit from an unidentified registrant and thus cannot be verified by Central Command. It will remain temporarily available while its contents is reviewed and retinal certification can be validated, as this feed has been previously authorized by the Uni-Band broadcast department.

Episode 52 is the final episode of season one of THC. Thanks for an amazing year. Check back for updates on season 2 soon. If you are just joining us, you definitely don't want to start here. Maybe go back to episode 2 and start there. For the rest of you, y'all rule.

There's so much going on here at THC centrale that we needed to devote an entire episode just to catching up. Lots of help from our contributing reporters. Zero (volunteer) help from Higgenbaum. 

Clearly, this was inevitable. Also, Happy Anniversary to us!!

Deep in the obscure taverns of histories past, and other times before this, we discover some things are always what they seem to be. Join us. Metaphorically.

For the first time ever, we un-story the tale of how the internet came to be. There had to be a first time for everything, and seeing as how the internet falls under the greater category of everything, this is a first time for that. So, don't say we never do things we haven't done before.

Things keep getting deeper and deeper into mosaic-like sky puzzle weaving here at THC. You're going to want to hear this podcast, in addition to watching it as well, also. Too.

This episode features: Mosaic weaving, business plowing, foregrounding, elision,  thought cancelling, malware, forbidden zones, egregious zones and ozones, as well as camel-toting, hoots, and reference to other dimensions. Thank you.

A little mini-episode to tide you over while Dr. Pinkmountain is "incapacitated" with some heavy lifting. For a direct link to the single from this episode, click here! https://soundcloud.com/the-history-channeler/summer-of-hate-recap-cap-cap-in-yo-ass

Dear Reader, we wanted to catch you up on a few of our "precious" staff members' goings on here at THC centrale. Remember Lil' Jaffy Bozo, our Twintern? He's currently serving a short sentence for collusion and assault in a private Turkish prison, which explains why our Twintern page is radically defuncted. Higgenbaum is totally fine, but totally useless, which is why he's been so "quiet" of late. And Shanda Kennering Onando decided she couldn't quite hack interning in the shadow of Chakra Kennedy Onassis, and wound up taking a job with the "good" people over at The Historier Channelerer.

If you are a hardcore THCer, you may have noticed that our sound quality was, shall we say, "compromised," last week. We apologize for this and have since discovered the cause of the lapse in our perfection. It was, of course, Higgenbaum. He touched a button that ruined our perfection, as usual. We've taken the precaution of wrapping Higgenbaum's hands in scotch tape to prevent him from touching any buttons from here on out.

Do you remember when things used to matter? Today we bring you a very special episode featuring the Unauthorized Autobiography of someone who was born long after that time. Dig deep into the pest with us, here, on The History Channeler, a podcast, which if you still don't know what that is, help us find out.

After a week of infirmy, we're back!! All will be explained in great detail, as our specialty is great details, which sets us apart from other history podcasts which feature great pauses, great intentions, great attempts, perhaps, but details? Eh. Like we always say: The History Channeler. Come for the details. Stay for the Greatness.

If you have not heard episode #39 (The Float Tank), we recommend listening to that first, then coming back here, ingesting 71microns of float tank greywater over the course of an unlimited amount of time, and retiring to your antechambre. Relax. It's only float tank juice.

Since Dr. Pinkmountain is mysteriously nowhere to be found this week, we've hastily arranged a showcase featuring this nation's most cherished stand-up historians with a very special guest emcee. Also, it's our 40th anniversary. As the traditional 40th anniversary gift is food, go ahead and treat us, feed us, and don't ever need us!

We know it's redundant to say, because every episode is special, but this is a special episode.  "How special?" you ask. It meets and surpasses the ethical standards for specialness established by the Ways and Means and Ways Committee of the Mishegas, CL Kiwanas Club parish #37B as denoted in the 1949 guidelines, signed by President, Clerk and Executioner, Harry Ed, Tub Man. -Mentally Al, Intern, subbing for CKO, who is, apparently, still #1

Here, at the nexus of historgraphical consciousness, we relegate all you thought you knew to the abyss and repopulate your mega-thoughts with dynamic flux data product, sponsored this week with actual advertisers. Prove us wrong.

We regard the 2016 Cleveland Cavaliers to be the 2016 NBA Champions, basketball. Here is the story of their storied season and its grand finale.

Forgive the intrusion, but we're receiving a live incoming message on our top secret encoded skrillex machine and we had to share it with you in real time! If you're a regular listener, this is extremely exciting for us to bring this to you. If you're new to the show, this probably won't make too much sense to you. We're, uh, happy to have you here. Before listening to this episode, you may want to slowly introduce some light cardio into your daily routine, then build up to the point where you can handle at least 6 Nudjitsu attackers simultaneously (while blindfolded), then go back to episode one and listen to that on repeat until you feel you've memorized it well enough to recite it forward and backward from any point in the episode. Then we can talk. xo

Well, not exactly. You kind of have to listen to the episode to catch our wav.length. Get it? Higgenbaum doesn't. He is presently locked in the stairwell with a bucket stuck on his head. In other words, another average day for HGB. (CKO, however, is #1)

We return with a special "Sacred Entomology" episode where we do that. Scott wanted me to ask you not to tell Syd about some stuff that comes up in this episode, but it doesn't matter really because Syd doesn't listen to the show. Ever. Have I mentioned lately that CKO RULES!!!!! -cko

Scott has not heard the final cut of this episode, and we'd like to keep it that way. Please help us hide the truth from "Dr." Pinkmountain. Thank you in advance for your cooperation. -Syd Ballabad.

There is a first for everything, and this is our first episode #33 1/3. It's ALSO our first mini episode. Expect other firsts as time continues to move in the direction we're mostly accustomed with it having moved.

Some things are better left unknown. Those that aren't, are featured here, on America's PodCast TM: History Channeler, The. All persons depicted in this channel are 100% real.

"In the name of free men everywhere, I elect me to rule this state of one, an island unto itself, unaffiliated, and thus free from the corrupting influence of special interests and also I don't like the Zionist Jewbags. In my country, I'm allowed to say that. Zionist Jewbags. There, I said it again. Zionist Jewbags. Zionist Jewbags." - Carl Hanson Winchester, Rancher, CIBADUS.

Forget everything you think you knew. Good. That's a start. Now relearn human language, some of your involuntary bodily functions and how to send money online, then listen closely to this episode of America's finest THC-themed podcast. This week we meet a Brand New Special Guest. You're going to be happy.

We don't recommend starting here if you're new to the show. Also, if you haven't yet listened to episode #29, do so first.   That being said, and while we've got your attention, have you tried our THC branded fragrant plumb muffins? You should. Available at all retail stores and on lines.

*If you're new to the show, WELCOME! However, we don't recommend starting here. Too much en media. Roll it back a few episodes. And bring us lunch. In this episode, we take you live to the super-sub-basement of the Capital Building (Holloywood, CA), former home of the now defunct Capital Breakfast Soda Company, where Dr. Scott Pinkmountain excavates Esqueegee Accidente's secret vaults to unearth his treasure.

Thusly careens the saga of Blaire and Blaine, winterswept upon a field of hoppy, their feelings all but showing through their woolen triple-knits and dairy-dun blazers, caps hinting at askew, kerchiefs rakish and unsoil'd, sentiment reaching supernatural heights. Tune in next week to find out which one is Blaire, and which one Blaine.

Dear hardcore THC'ers, friends, supplicants and donors, it's our pleasure to introduce to you by name the many gentlefolk who help make The History Channeler the most special dear treasure that it is. Without their selfless sacrifice and grueling labor (under tyrannical, sub-human conditions), this show would be nothing more than the raving drivel of a smug, semi-literate neanderthal (with all requisite apologies to neanderthals). So without further ado, and before we run out of sp AW SHIT BRO! IT'S 4/20!! I'm Audi.

I put the phrase "sentient eels" in the TAG box, as an "easter" egg for future generations "to" discover. - Higgen, baum   Follow twitter @THChanneler -Jeff Bezos, Twintern   Who gave you morons the Libsyn password? -CKO, Intern #1

Listen carefully to this week's episode for secret embedded clues as to whether or not Marmaduke will get into yet another zany escapade with Dagwood, Garfield, Opus and the gang. Will hijinx ensue? You betcha they will.

We got a new intern specifically to handle our online fingers and such. You may now follow The History Channeler at THChanneler on a twitter thing. According to our new intern, who will be recognized soon.

Episode 23 marks a unique milestone in the life of every podcast. As the most numerically optimized double digit prime number, 23 resonates vibrationally across both the heart and perennial gland, opening the sacred "historic" eye of insight. That this particular episode falls on the 23rd day of the month, sets the stage for a once-in-a-generation level cosmic portal occurrence. Enjoy. (CKO is a straight-shootin' son-of-a-gun).

"History" she ululated, "is a many-fingered parasite, not unlike the citadel at dusk." She unwrapped a gumball, pocketed the meaty bit and let the casing fall from her forgiving fingers to the loosely-packed earth upon which she trod. Trod. (CKO in perpetuity)

We'd like to use this space to introduce you to our invaluable support staff members. Unfortunately, there's no one on our support staff that we consider invaluable. Unless "invaluable" means "unvaluable," which, doesn't it seem like it should? (Syd, can you make a note of that for a future Sacred Entomology segment? - SP)

For those of you just tuning in, Palsy the Occasionally Sober Puffin is our one-puffin band, supplying interstitial jams, meandering noodles, theme songs, and a ray of (gin-soaked) sunshine to the otherwise glum shadow of our existence.

This is a very serious episode, mainly because Scott just discovered that he could bold-ify text here. (CKO STILL RUNS THE F'ING SHOW)

This is a episod of Histarie Chunnel for earpods to lissen on. -frum Higgenbaum, inturn.

To harness the unlimited power of a universe, press here.

In certain episodes of history, the history is foretold in biology. Destiny blossoms from a Darwinian soil sample. As clocks run backward to beat time itself, episode 16 defies the very structure of DNA itself, itself. Never will you see whatever it is we talk about in this episode the same. (CKO for the TKO)

The entomolygy is sacred in today's episode. So sacred and relevant we cannot address it in glyph-form. That is why we made an audio podcast and don't care to waste (y)our time describing the indescribable here. There are other features to this show as well, including something entirely new with a theme song of its own. Scott has been insisting on a new theme song for almost every show lately and Palsy the Occasionally Sober Puffin is showing some wear for the worse. If Palsy dies, his puffin-blood will be on Scott's hands. (CKO ringin' the bell, yo)

If you are reading this, it means you have unlocked the secret 37th PRIME level, granting you access to the full, uncensored version of episode #14 of America's favorite The History Channeler-themed podcast. Listen carefully for clues to our 2016 Treasure Hunt. Prizes include the privilege to leave a positive review for the sub-continent's top-rated The History Channeler-themed podcast and several opportunities to affiliate yourself with our product(s). (CKO ragin' full on)

This week, on The History Channeler, it's a classic case of will they/won't they, should they/could they, how would they/would it be legal in Arkansas if so. Passions run hot in this tropical setting as the clock runs out on those of whom which we find the most diverting pleasure to passively observe. This is must-feel podcasting as its sublimest. (CKO back on top!)

Higgenbaum, please insert the description copy that Chakra prepped and emailed to you before she left for vacation here. It's extremely important that you replace this note before episode launch on 1/6/15. Thanks - Syd.

As per usual, host Scott Pinkmountain goes deeper than deep to spelunk the depths of a topic oft eschewed by scholars of lesser quantity. Most of this episode was researched, written, edited and spelunked by Syd Ballabad and Chakra Kennedy Onassis. Higgenbaum obstructed.

Episode 10! It goes to 11. Featuring celebrity.

Episode #9 features unprecedented access to an inspiring historical figure with a new, in-depth presentation of Unauthorized Autobiography. Today's episode is sponsored by Dow Chemicals, Union Carbide, DuPont and Kramer/Frasier Industries. (cko for prez!)

Do you ever just feel kinda so-so? How about sometimes when it's dusk on a Sunday night and you're listening to Dr. Demento in the backseat on the way home when all you've got waiting for you is a dinner of leftovers and your unfinished math homework? Or you have to give a report on a book you haven't even taken out of the library, let alone read. Or the squirt-gun you tucked into your belt has leaked all over your crotch, again. Or right before the chiropractor administers general anesthesia? Well, the internet! (cko rools)

A very unique episode recorded away from our regular studio and you will recover why! Send cash or money orders to our P.O. Box please. No third party checks. Your Name Here. CKO #1!