Confident Couples Podcast

It’s time for beers and wisdom with our friends and “quarantine experts” Tim and Ellen! When Sara first posted on Instagram asking for tips for working from home with your spouse, Elle jumped in with some great ideas.  We knew she needed to share them with our listeners. Tim and Ellen have each worked from home, in separate jobs in software and consulting, for several years.  In this episode, they share their best tips for coffee, organizing your day, and staying married if you’re both home all day. We also found out that they are basically “quarantine experts,” having been home with a newborn since January.  They started this “stay at home” thing a couple months before the rest of us! If you’re a parent, we think you’ll appreciate their thoughts on parenting a 5-year-old and a newborn while also trying to work full time from home.  Enjoy! Tim recommends finding a quality cell phone holder, like this bowling trophy Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram.

Our episode about core values in a relationship has been one of our most popular episodes ever.  So when Bud met a business culture expert who doesn’t believe in core values, we knew we needed to have him on our podcast to explain why. In today’s episode, we’re joined by David Friedman, founder of High Performing Culture and author of Culture By Design.  David explains the flaws of core values and why he prefers to talk about “fundamentals” instead. He even dives into his work to help clients define their “Family Fundamentals,” the fundamental behaviors that a family might believe in. In this episode, we talk about: The difference between values and behaviorsThe danger of statements like “I’ll try to be home early tonight.”What David would have done differently and more intentionally in raising his childrenHow to develop your family fundamentalsA weekly process to share and teach fundamentals  Examples of fundamentals: Practice blameless problem solvingFill each other’s bucket regularlyYour attitude is always a choiceBe flexible Mentioned in this episode: 008: Core Values – What Matters Most in Your Relationship? Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

We’re back, we’re quarantining, and we’re here to talk about it.  We’re not people who hate spending time together, but— let’s be honest— this is a lot of time together.  In this episode, we talk about how we’re coping, issues we think couples may be having, and how to get along together in isolation. In this episode, we talk about: Bud staying home all day, every daySara’s sweet but impossible vision of co-working togetherBud’s grumpy wife and cool co-workerDivision of new choresCommunicating early rather than letting frustrations build-upHow natural and normal it is to notice your partner’s annoying habitsOur new bell-ringing experiment #ConfidentCouples Challenge Mindfully notice something positive about each of your family members today Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

We spent 17 years together and 8 years married coming up with 55 things to talk about related to relationships. Every week for a year, we sat at our kitchen table and talked into our microphones, hoping to share hope and intentional strategies to create strong partnerships. We’d say we’ve covered the high points that we wanted to when we got started. So—This is the last episode of Season 1.  After today, we’re going to take a break to start a new list of episode ideas and connect with more potential guests. This is a great time to scroll back into the archive and save any episodes that interest you.  On today’s short recording, we’ll point you to a few of our favorites. Sara’s Can’t Miss Episodes: 005: The Shopping Budget – Spend $ Without Judgement - our way to solve your conflicts around discretionary spendingOur personality testing series, starting with 017: Personality Tests – How to Finally (!) Understand Your PartnerOne of our most commented-on episodes: 021: So… When Are You Having Kids? - why we are child-free by choice028: Roadblocks to Budgeting (And How to Do It Anyway) Bud’s Can't Miss Episodes: 001: The Three-Legged Stool - Our foundational episode about what we see as the pillars of strong long-term relationships: 002: The Ritual - The connection practice we do every single day (The Confident Couples Podcast’s #1 downloaded episode!)046: Networking as a Couple Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

On this episode, we’re talking with the amazing Jonna Phillips.  Jonna is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a passion for premarital couples work, which she calls “Engagement Coaching.” Jonna started out working with military couples almost 15 years ago, then shifted into psychiatric care for individuals, couples, families, and military members.  Her passion to help couples of all backgrounds build positive foundations for their marriage. I have discovered in my work with couples the more you are willing to have a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner prior to marriage the healthier your relationship will be." Jonna’s practice is located in Portage, Michigan.  If you’re in the area and engaged, check out her engagement coaching services! In this episode, we talk about: Why Jonna prefers the term “engagement coaching” to premarital counseling or therapyWhy premarital coaching should be something every couple doesBringing personality assessments and other tools into a relationshipHow seeking help in your relationship is like giving your car an oil changeUsing “I” statements to communicate with your partner instead of “You” statements—Owning vs blamingWhy we (Bud and Sara) refused premarital counseling #ConfidentCouples Challenge: Listen in on Jonna’s new podcast!  The Engagement Coach Podcast Mentioned in this episode: Jonna’s practice: Brave Counseling & CoachingThe Enneagram (Jonna uses this assessment, and this is our podcast episode about it)Jonna’s article about why she uses the EnneagramPrepare & Enrich Couples AssessmentThe Engagement Coach Podcast Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

Financial therapist Lindsay is back!  Today, we’re talking with Lindsay about her focus on working with couples with breadwinning women. In her experience, Lindsay has found that couples with non-traditional money roles can often have emotional and financial challenges.  We knew we needed to dive in and find out more. This episode features guest Lindsay Bryan-Podvin of Mind Money Balance, one of only 50 financial therapists in the United States.  Don’t miss her first episode with us: 050: What is Financial Therapy?! In this episode, we talk about: When Lindsay first heard women come into her office and say “I wish I didn’t have this pressure” or “I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I wish my husband made more than me.”Some of the challenges Lindsay sees in these types of relationshipsThe common discounting and downplaying behavior that breadwinning women haveSee-saw earners—couples who contribute somewhat equally financiallyWhy Lindsay recommends couples pool their money into one bank accountIdentifying the non-monetary assets you bring to the relationship #ConfidentCouples Challenge: Do Lindsay’s example exercise (fast forward to 12:30)!   What do I need to believe in order that we are equitable partners in our relationship?What would need to happen in order for our relationship to feel equitable?  Mentioned in this episode: Our first episode with Lindsay: 050: What is Financial Therapy?!The Shopping Budget (similar to the monthly cash Lindsay and her husband allocate): 005: The Shopping Budget – Spend $ Without JudgementLindsay’s group couples coaching program: Boundless Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

Some days in a relationship are bright and rosy and fun and games.  Other days or weeks... just aren’t.   We’re currently in a season where we feel out of sync, and this episode is all about it. We’re talking about how we haven’t liked each other all that much recently (yikes, I know), and how we’re trying to fix it. In this episode, we talk about: Negative patterns, where everything your partner wants makes you crazyBud’s golf and nap routine that caused our most recent argumentThe cyclical nature of relationshipsHow to use appreciation to get out of negative patterns and start dwelling on the positiveConfronting negativity rather than ignoring itBeing self-aware when you’re in a bad mood about your partner #ConfidentCouples Challenge: If you’re feeling out of sync, write down three things you appreciate about your partner. Mentioned in this episode: Sara’s recommendation for training yourself to notice the positive things your partner does:  006: Acknowledge & Appreciate Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

As if you haven’t heard enough about resolutions already…. We’re here to give you another one.  This resolution is not only good for your health, it’s good for your relationship. We’re talking about travel, and why you might want to add a getaway to your calendar this year. In this episode, we talk about: Why we think travel is so healthy for a relationshipThe problem with “groundhog day”Maintaining a feeling of aliveness in your relationship #ConfidentCouples Challenge: Think about a place that your partner might really like to travel to.  Start putting that plan into motion! Mentioned in this episode: Esther Perel quote from this articleEpisode 002: The RitualEpisode 012: Unplugged WeekendEpisode 037: Surviving Travel with Your Partner Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

We’re live with our first in-person interview!  Today, we’re talking with Lindsay Bryan-Podvin of Mind Money Balance, one of only 50 financial therapists in the United States. We stepped into Lindsay’s office in Ann Arbor, Michigan to learn more about what financial therapy is and why couples might need it.   Then, Lindsay and Bud have a showdown about whether budgeting is an emotional issue or a black-and-white math equation. In this episode, we talk about: What financial therapy isHow money conversations in a partnership are inherently emotionalAt what point couples might decide they need financial therapyWhat happened in our relationship when we didn’t talk about moneyWhat makes people more likely to save and invest for the future, and how to trick your mind into itLindsay’s advice on how couples can start budgeting if they’re currently in money conflictWhat’s the one thing a couple can change about their spending that feels the least harmful?Using the term “spending plan” instead of “budget”Monday dates Mentioned in this episode: Our recent goals episode: 047: Goal Setting as a CoupleMint.com: recommended budgeting tool Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

We’ve been traveling solo a lot lately, so we wanted to share what we’ve been learning.  Today, we’re covering travel plans, keeping in touch, and how to underpromise and overdeliver next time you’re apart. Our 3 Tips for Business Travel Be clear about when you’re leaving and when you’re getting homeBe clear about how often you’ll be able to be in touchBe thoughtful about re-entry In this episode, we talk about: How we share our travel schedules so we’re on the same pageRecognizing that you may not be on your regular communication routineThe power of text messagingHow you can welcome your partner home in a positive wayHow you can re-enter home life in a positive wayWhether or not Bud eats when Sara travels ;)Should you bring home a gift if you travel without your partner? Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

When Confident Couples ask, we answer! I didn’t think anyone would be interested in the behind the scenes of this podcast, but I guess you are.

The end of the year is always full of presents, parties, reflection, and resolutions.  Instead of just resolving to do stuff in the new year, how about setting some real goals for yourself and your partnership?   Today, we’re talking about our annual goal setting process and how it keeps us moving forward together. The specific areas we goal plan are:  PersonalBusiness/WorkFamily Finance In this episode, we talk about: SMART goals (and why Sara isn’t necessarily into that framework)How visioning for the future can help you set goals for this yearSetting a preferred outcome and thinking through the monthly steps you need to take to get thereWhy the way we each design our goals is way differentA few of our real annual goals all the way back to 2012!Starting with a fun “dream date”Providing support vs accountability Our suggested goal planning process for couples: Write your individual goals separatelyExchange them electronically so your partner can review them in advanceCome together and provide each other feedback #ConfidentCouples challenge: Recommend to your partner that you go out on an end of the year “dream date.”  You decide what you want to get out of it! Mentioned in this Episode: 15 year visions (episode 14)Life Planning Dinner (episode 3) Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

Tis the season for work parties and networking events.  Are you prepared to tackle them as a couple? Today, we’re talking about our favorite ways to make the most of these events, and a few of our networking secrets. In this episode, we talk about: Our history of going to work events togetherLearning to split upSetting you partner up for success if he/she doesn’t know anyoneRed, yellow, and green light topicsA trick for how your partner can help you if you don’t remember someone’s nameHow networking as a couple can make you stronger together than you are apart #ConfidentCouples challenge: Talk to your partner about our “introduction” trick for figuring out someone’s name. Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

This week’s episode is a follow up to last week’s about mindset shifts in marriage.  This week, Bud is talking about mindset shifts that men in marriage often need to make. From involving your spouse in your finances to communicating better, these three simple things are some of Bud’s best pieces of advice for better relationships. In this episode, we talk about: Living on the same planet when it comes to financesHow to make budgeting easier to understand and talk aboutCommunicating with your spouse the way they want to be communicated toIt’s not about how we get there, it’s about the end result“Are we having a problem-solving conversation or are we having a listening conversation?” #ConfidentCouples challenge: Pick out one of these shifts and try it today! Mentioned in this episode: Money and budgeting episodePersonality tests episode“It’s Not About the Nail” on YouTube Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

Ladies, this episode is for you.   I was thinking about advice I would give to young women entering into marriage, and I came up with these three mindset traps that women often fall into.   These are things I’ve learned from and am still working through after 17 years in a relationship and 8 years of marriage.  –Sara In this episode, we talk about: Bud’s advice: Thinking about your preferred outcome or keeping the end goal in mind—What do you want your relationship to look like?  Then work backward from thereExpecting your partner to constantly know how you’re feeling and what you’re thinkingThe right, fair, productive way to seek emotional supportDo you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?  You can’t be right all the timeDeciding what you’re going to live withRealizing that everyone’s relationship is different and that your partner is not going to have every good trait of every good relationship you hear about #ConfidentCouples challenge: Think about one thing you’re going to decide to live with—Something your partner does that you can get over and try not to fix.   Then, think of one other thing that they do well naturally that you can choose to appreciate. Mentioned in this episode: Our episode on visioning: 014: Visioning – Imagining Life 15 Years from Today011: Are You Setting Your Partner Up for Success or Failure? Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

We recently listened to a great presentation about Trust. Research on trust shows that trust is built in small moments, not in grand gestures. In this episode, we’re talking about building a stronger relationship every day. In this episode, we talk about: Treating every day like it’s your anniversary“Trust is gained in drops and lost in buckets.”There are no cheat days in trust-buildingPutting way too much pressure on anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays #ConfidentCouples challenge: Go listen to Dr. Brené Brown: The Anatomy of Trust!  You’ll learn so much about trust-building. Mentioned in this episode: Thoughts inspired by Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations specific episode: Dr. Brené Brown: The Anatomy of TrustNaked Marriage podcast006: Acknowledge & Appreciate – What ‘The Office’ Taught Us About Marriage Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

There are probably a lot of people in your life who want to be prioritized.  For young couples especially, prioritizing your partner vs your family members can be really tough.   Today, we’re talking about who should be the top of your priority list.  And, we’ll dive into positively managing your family relationships. In this episode, we talk about: A short tangent on dealing with family over the holidaysSara gets fired up about putting your spouse above all othersPublic agreement, or at least not embarrassing your partner by disagreeing with them in a big, loud wayHow you’re making your family feel about your partnerHandling communication with each family #ConfidentCouples challenge: Do something today that makes your partner feel like they’re number 1. Mentioned in this episode: Four Christmases movie Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

In this episode, we’re talking to Jocelyn and Aaron Freeman, relationship coaches, speakers, and hosts of the EmPowered Couples Podcast.  Since social media is such a tough topic for modern couples, we asked them to tackle it with us. This interview went deep into how social media can be a distraction from connection and how to recover trust. For both of us, our favorite part of the interview was the Freemans’ advice about creating clear agreements in your relationship.  Don’t miss it! In this episode, we talk about: Committing to a growth-oriented relationshipThe ways social media can become a distraction from true connectionHow to talk to your partner about their social media activityHow to recover from social media trust-breaking eventsAgreements—99% of couples have no agreements in their relationships, only assumptions and expectations  (don’t miss this! Fast forward to 25:05)Getting caught up in other people’s goals #ConfidentCouples challenge: Use the holidays to create your next year intentionally.  Save some time on your calendar now! Mentioned in this episode: Connect with and find out more about Aaron and Jocelyn’s work: The New Power Couple book@meet_thefreemans on InstagramMeetTheFreemans.com Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

We’ve all been in situations where we’ve complained about our partner to our friends. This is kind of inevitable once in a while, but we really believe it shouldn’t be a habit.  On today’s episode, we talk about the impact that complaining about your partner has on your relationships, friendships, and your own mindset. In this episode, we talk about: How complaining can make you feel more negative about your partner in generalThe difference between believing your partner is being (a temporary state) a jerk and believing your partner “is” (a permanent character) a jerkRecognizing when you’re complaining just for relief or affirmationHow your complaining can affect your friends’ relationshipsTalking to your friends about your spouse in a way that is actually looking for help #ConfidentCouples challenge: Sara’s challenge: Say something nice about your partner to your friends. Bud’s challenge: Catch yourself the next time you start complaining about your partner, or rephrase the complaint into a “help me” statement. Mentioned in this episode: Mr and Mrs Smith movie— therapy sceneGreat times to address complaints with your partner: The Ritual and Life Planning Dinner Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

Where are our work from home couples?  This one is for you!   In this awesome age of the internet, a lot of us have a job or business that allows at least one partner to work from home.  This has been our life for about 9 years.   Today, we’re talking about how we handle Sara working from home, and our advice for other couples. In this episode, we talk about: What we love about working from homeOur challenges with Sara working from homeHow we don’t talk to each other at lunchDiffering work styles and how to navigate them #ConfidentCouples challenge: If you work from home, invite your partner into a conversation about your work style and what you need to be productive.  But—Also be open to your partner’s feedback about your work and what they need related to your work. Share this episode with someone you know who works from home! Mentioned in this episode: This Is Nuts: It Takes Nearly 30 Minutes to Refocus After You Get Distracted Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

Are you relying on your partner to play too many roles in your life?  It may be time to look for personal and professional development outside of your relationship.   In this episode, we talk about finding support groups and how to support your partner when they find theirs.  In this episode, we talk about: Personal vs professional development—are they the same or different?The personal and professional benefits of Bud’s Vistage group“The first one through the wall gets the bloodiest” #ConfidentCouples challenge: Think about who your support group might be, personally or professionally.  Consider seeking one out if your partner is the only person you ask personal and work questions. Mentioned in this episode: Vistage: Bud’s support group Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

One of the best things about being in a relationship is having a partner to travel with (at least in our opinion!).  But, that’s not to say that every adventure is perfect. As a couple who travel pretty often, we’ve developed a few rules for traveling with your partner to make sure you come home still speaking and full of good stories.   In this episode, we talk about: Our 3 rules for traveling with your partnerEstablish travel roles and responsibilitiesRecognize your own travel idiosyncrasiesHave patience, especially when things don’t go as plannedBud’s personal best time from car to airplane — Can you beat it?Our own travel issuesThat scary hotel room I booked us when we were studying abroad #ConfidentCouples challenge: Recognize your own idiosyncracies around travel, and have a conversation around the dumb stuff you know you do when traveling. Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

On this week's episode, we dive into the great gift debate.  Do you need to shower your partner with gifts to prove you love them? We talk about if we gift or not, and go back to some embarrassing gifts Bud gave Sara in high school.  In this episode, we talk about: Gifs vs Gifts (ha)Why we aren’t really into gift-giving to each otherSome of the embarrassing gifts we’ve givenThat one time Bud sent flowers to the wrong houseUsing Instagram ad re-targeting for gift ideas?  (turns out, not a good idea)Alternatives to gift-giving, if you’re not into it #ConfidentCouples challenge: Have a conversation with your partner about gifts!  It’s time to discuss budget and expectations for gifts for each other. Mentioned in this Episode: Episode 005: The Shopping BudgetThe 5 Love Languages book Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

There are so many ways that technology can keep you connected as a couple.  In this episode, we’re sharing a few ideas for how we save time and energy by using different apps, AND we talk about how technology can help you connect more in person.  Plus, we spill more crazy things we do that make other people cringe, like sharing our locations at all times. In this episode, we talk about: The power of texting and how “urgent” it should really beEmail and recurring emails for remindersSharing calendarsSharing your location—a do or a don’t? #ConfidentCouples challenge: Set up expectations on communication response time for calls, texts, and emails.  When does your partner expect you’ll respond to each? Do you feel the same way? Mentioned in this Episode: 5 useful iOS Shortcuts and how to use themBoomerang for Gmail for scheduled and recurring emailsBud’s method for processing his email inboxHow to share location on iPhone Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

I’m sorry?  In relationships, things happen.  Your apologies matter to healing and moving forward. We recently geeked out about an episode of the Freakonomics podcast all about the science of a good apology.  In today’s episode, we apply this apology research to couples’ communication. In this episode, we talk about: Best practices for an apology to have an impact  An apology needs to occur soon after the negative event happens.The apology has to have a “cost” to the apologizer (and it needs to be understood that it's costly by the person who receives the apology). Do not overuse apologies without changing behavior—then it is hard to show that the apology is costly.  What you say first and what you say last are the most important pieces of an apology.End your apology by saying how sorry you are and if possible state what restitution you will make. #ConfidentCouples challenge: Offer a more thoughtful apology next time you owe one. Mentioned in this Episode: Freakonomics: How to Optimize Your Apology (Ep. 353)The science of apologies with experimental evidenceRich and Famous Have A Lot to Learn When it Comes to Saying Sorry Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

Does anyone else stress out about entertaining?  Planning a party as a couple can be overwhelming and full of conflict.  Today, we’re fresh off our biggest party of the year, and we’re talking about what we’ve learned about doing it together. In this episode, we talk about: What we’ve learned from throwing the same party six years in a rowHow to avoid conflict with your partnerIdeas to make entertaining easier on you as a couple #ConfidentCouples challenge: Host a Crappy Dinner Party! Mentioned in this Episode: Crappy Dinner Party Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

Since you’re listening to a relationship and growth podcast, you might reach a point where you’d like to suggest a change or trying something new with your partner. We think you need to put on your sales(wo)man hat, rather than being forceful or abrupt.  It’s time to sell your partner on change in a positive way. This episode is especially for you if you want to bring change to your relationship and are having a hard time building up the courage to do it.  We break down a step-by-step process to develop a conversation with your partner, build courage, and bring the change you want. In this episode, we talk about: What happens when one partner starts working on growth or self-development, or listening to a relationship podcastHow not to bring up change abruptly (“Here’s what I need”)How to sell why your partner needs to get on “the bus of change”Why ultimatums aren’t the answer The change process: Identify that you want a change in how something is happening in your relationshipFind a good time for a productive conversation (an upcoming life dinner or just ask your partner for a good time to talk)Describe a situation and ask what your partner needs in that situationExpress your own needs and ask if they can help with that #ConfidentCouples challenge: Bring up something to your partner that you’ve been seeing as an issue or challenge in your relationship.  Try out this change process and see how it goes. Mentioned in this Episode: Our daily ritual: 002: The Ritual – How to Communicate Intentionally, Every DayOur monthly opportunity for tough conversations: 003: Life Planning DinnerBrene Brown researched the ‘discomfort time’ between feeling uncomfortable and doing what’s right. She says the bravery window is only eight seconds for most people. Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

Today’s episode is a listener request! On this week’s episode, we are taking a request from a listener who asked this: I thought of you and a potential relationship topic. My partner and I were having a discussion about how many couples do or don’t go to bed at the same time at night. I think it’s a fascinating topic! He thinks more couples go to bed at different times than I do. It’s been a discussion point in our relationship going on 14 years. We’ll talk through the results of our super scientific Instagram poll and a few thoughts of our own. In this episode, we talk about: Our exhausting trip to IKEA (completely unrelated)Our poll results: 73% of Confident Couples go to bed at the same time (37 votes! — 27 yes, 10 no)The impact of each partner’s Circadian RhythmWhy going to bed together is less important than making sure to take the time to connect each day or eveningNot romanticizing how other couples approach this, or anything else #ConfidentCouples challenge: You’ll have to listen to this one to believe Bud said it

Why even choose to be in a committed partnership or marriage?  Why bother to take the time to make it great? It can be easy for young couples to assume that love is enough and that relationships should just work.  But we believe that your relationship deserves more time, attention, and intention than that. In our 6-months of this podcast reflection episode, we’re talking about why we believe in relationships and the value they have in our lives.  This is why we choose to do this podcast and are going to keep it going. In this episode, we talk about: The power of being comfortableThe weird things we do and why we do them anywayShould we all stop talking about “working” on relationships?Why we’re going to continue this podcast past the initial 6 months we said we’d do it #ConfidentCouples challenge: Has this show helped you in some way?  Please give us the fuel to keep going. Leave us a review where you listen to this podcast, or send us a private (even anonymous) note here. Mentioned in this episode: The ideal office temperature for productivity Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

Bud and I have our own ways of communicating intentionally, but we know they’re not for everyone.  So on this episode, we’re sharing other couples’ communication practices—from friends to celebrities to our listeners.  We hope you’ll hear something in this episode that sounds like a great way to improve communication in your relationship. In this episode, we talk about: A communication idea Sara hatesNot letting problems fester for years that could be communicated through in minutesHow Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher communicate intentionally with their familyOur own listeners’ communication ideas #ConfidentCouples challenge: Choose one of these communication ideas to try! Mentioned in this episode: Our own intentional communication practice: The Ritual (episode 002)Mila Kunis on the Armchair Expert podcastOur Instagram post where we asked for ideas for intentional practices Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

You’ve heard it before, that budgeting can be hard.  Well, it doesn't need to be. This week we talk about common roadblocks to budgeting, and ideas to have fun with this important practice as a couple.  If you feel like you should have a budget but think it sounds kind of awful, this episode is for you. For more on budgeting, check out our fundamental episode on budgeting:  004: Budgeting & Money – Own Your Finances as a Couple And here are all of our episodes involving budgeting as a couple. In this episode, we talk about: What made Sara dread budgeting when we started budgeting as a coupleHow we worked to make budgeting less painfulViewing budgeting as “allowing” you to spend rather than restrictingHow to make talking about budgeting more funWhat to do if a budget just seems like too much work #ConfidentCouples challenge: Plan your first budget meeting if you’ve never done one before.  Think about ways you can make it fun. To prepare, make sure to download our budget sheet. Mentioned in this episode: Our first episode about budgeting, covering how we budget and our history with it: 004: Budgeting & Money – Own Your Finances as a CoupleOur monthly ritual where we talk about our budget together: 003: Life Planning DinnerOur Bud and Sara Budget Worksheet to start the discussion (to save this for your own use, go to File > Make a Copy)Software tools to manage your budget easily:Mint.com (free budgeting tool!)Quicken (what we use because we like its cash flow forecast)YNAB Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

It’s a BIG conversation among couples these days… but we didn’t even think about it until this week.  The topic is cell phone privacy. Sara came across this tweet, which asked “Do you let your partner have full access to your phone and/or computer?  Why/why not?” https://twitter.com/pjrvs/status/1147170556250226689?s=12 The tweet has over 80 responses, with vastly different viewpoints. So on this episode of the podcast, we’re talking about our thoughts on device privacy within a committed relationship.  We share some of the commenters’ opinions, as well as our own. There’s no right or wrong answer here, so we’re super curious… how do you handle cell phone privacy in your relationship?  Comment or send us a message @budandsara on Instagram. #ConfidentCouples challenge: Have an open conversation about cell phone and device transparency (maybe at Life Planning Dinner) Mentioned in this episode: The original Tweet Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

Engaged or thinking about it? Planning a wedding will present some of the first big challenges you work through as a couple. We planned our wedding over 8 years ago and somehow managed to get to the altar.

On today’s episode, we’re taking a quick ride on our time machine back to 2002.  We share a bit of our history as high school sweethearts, but mostly, we share what spending our whole adult lives together has taught us about change.  If you’re not into our story, skip to minute 11 for a few key takeaways. Mentioned in this episode: Our episode on Visioning: 014: Visioning - Imagining Life 15 Years from NowArmchair Expert podcast: Expert on Expert with Esther PerelTed Talk: Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationshipTed Talk: Esther Perel: Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved (not necessarily how we feel about infidelity, but still a worthwhile perspective to listen and understand) Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

This week, we’re telling the story of an idea that Sara got from another podcast—going TV free for a week, instead of defaulting to turning on the TV after dinner like we usually do. Bud didn’t quite jump on board.  It turned into a real life example of negotiating as a couple. In this episode, we talk about: Why Sara was scared to ask Bud to try a few days TV-freeBud’s counter-offer to the idea of no TV, instead of just saying noHow Bud recommends negotiating within your relationship #ConfidentCouples challenge: The next time your partner suggests something new, don’t automatically pivot to the “no.” Consider a counter-offer toward your preferred solution. Mentioned in this episode: The podcast that started this discussion: Young House Love #131: The Surprising Side Effects Of Going TV Free Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

We didn’t start a relationship podcast because we have it all figured out.  Just in case you’re getting that impression, we’re pulling back the curtain this week to talk about the things we’re currently struggling with. If you feel like no one understands that relationships are tough, this episode is for you. In this episode, we talk about: The fight we had 5 minutes before we started recording this episodeFear, uncertainty, and money scarcityWithholding information and communication in a relationshipWhen one partner won’t budge in how they communicate #ConfidentCouples challenge: Be honest about something you’re struggling with this week.  Find a way to address it directly with your partner instead of holding it in. Mentioned in this episode: Our personality tests episode: “017: Personality Tests – How to Finally (!) Understand Your Partner”Life DinnerOur episode about The Ritual: “002: The Ritual – How to Communicate Intentionally, Every Day” Barriers to effective communication - Insights Discovery episode Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

We didn’t always geek out about relationship development—we actually thought that being intentional, having hard conversations, and seeking marriage help were signs of weakness.  Obviously, that’s all changed, and today, we’re talking about why. This episode is for you if just the idea of listening to a marriage or relationship podcast seems dumb.  We get it, and we’ve been there. Give this one a shot and see if we can talk you through a few misconceptions. In this episode, we talk about: Why we turned down premarital counselingThe lie of “Isn’t love enough?” Why you can’t wait to work on your marriage until it’s brokenStuff everyone struggles with (not just you) #ConfidentCouples challenge: We want to hear from you!  Share with us a lie you’ve told yourselves about working on your marriage and why you’re listening to this podcast. Leave us a comment on Instagram. Mentioned in this episode: “Acknowledge and Appreciate”‘Couples Retreat’ movie - Couples skill building sceneOur episode about the Enneagram Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

It’s a question we’ve heard a lot after being in a relationship for 16 years and married for 7 years: “When are you going to have kids?” These days, at ages 31 and 33, here’s what we get more often: “Do you want to have kids?” “Are you going to have kids?” Our answer to them, and to you, is that we don’t know. In today’s episode, we’re talking about being child-free by choice into our early 30s, why we’ve made this choice, and if we think we’ll ever change our minds. Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

We know we’ve had an awful lot of ideas for intentional practices you should start doing in your relationship.  And we get that that might be kind of overwhelming. So today, we’re turning this podcast upside-down to talk about a few things you could stop doing today to have a better relationship. In this episode, we talk about: Complaining and negativityPicking on your partner in publicMaking small issues into big ones #ConfidentCouples challenge: Stop doing one thing that’s annoying your partner this week.  Be self-aware. Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

How well do you understand your own innate motivations, fears, and communication style?  If you’re not sure, the Enneagram may be a great model to learn more about yourself. Since the Enneagram involves lots of numbers and can get a little technical, we brought in an expert to explain it all.  Barbara Lawton is an executive coach who uses the Enneagram to help her clients understand personality and communicate more effectively.  She's a certified instructor for Enneagram Worldwide and Integrative Enneagram. If you’ve never heard of the Enneagram or have been curious, this will be a great introduction. In this episode, we talk about: What the Enneagram is all aboutHow the Enneagram can help us become more self-awareHow personality assessments can be used to improve relationships and communicationHow you can use Enneagram knowledge to appreciate differences #ConfidentCouples challenge: Find out your number!  Get your type at integrative9.com.  Barb recommends the “Standard” test. Mentioned in this episode: https://www.integrative9.com/GetYourType/ Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

It’s the very first Confident Couples interview!  We love personality assessments, but we’re not the experts.  So we’re bringing them to you. Today, we’re talking with Scott and Linda Schwefel of Discover Yourself, a company that helps people understand one another, be more productive and successful, and build professional relationships.  They use the Discovery Insights personality assessment in their work. Bud first met Scott at a Vistage meeting in 2015 and fell head-over-heels for Discovery Insights.  We both took the assessment and have benefitted from it in our marriage for the last four years. Listen in to find out why! In this episode, we talk about: The four personality styles in Insights Discovery: Fiery Red, Earth Green, Sunshine Yellow, Cool BlueHow understanding personality styles can help you be more open-mindedHow “Communication Do’s and Don’ts” can help in your marriageWhy Scott and Linda post their personality profiles to their refrigerator in their kitchen #ConfidentCouples challenge: Interested in Insights Discovery?  Get your Insights Discovery profile at DiscoveryProfile.com Mentioned in this episode: What is Insights Discovery? Get your Insights Discovery profile at DiscoveryProfile.comScottstedtalk.com Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

The Business of Love series is a new series of episodes where we bring helpful business practices into relationships.  One of our favorite “businessy” things that has helped us in relationship is personality testing. Businesses often have teams go through assessments to understand how they can work better together and communicate with more empathy.  We think these same skills are critical in long-term relationships. Today, we’re giving an overview of personality tests, how they have benefitted our relationship, and the two personality tests we’ve used. In this episode, we talk about: Why we recommend every couple take personality tests and talk about them togetherThe two personality assessments we’ve used, and why we liked them bothHow personality tests results can help you mold your communication styleWhy personality tests are basically “cheap therapy” #ConfidentCouples challenge: Research these two personality tests if they sound interesting.  Take a test for yourself. Extra credit if you do it before next week’s episode! Mentioned in this episode: What is Insights Discovery? Get your Insights Discovery profileWhat is the Enneagram? Get your Enneagram type - recommend getting the Standard “STD” profile Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

One of our biggest pieces of advice for young couples is to combine finances and share a bank account. In today’s short episode, we’re talking about why we’re so passionate about combined finances.  We’ll dive into how sharing money plays into transparency, trust, and goals. In this episode, we talk about: The podcast episode that encouraged us to take a stronger stand about combined financesCommon excuses why couples may not want to share a bank accountWhy sharing money is closely tied to sharing dreams and goalsHow a shared bank account works in practice #ConfidentCouples challenge: If you’re doing this, cheers to you!  Grab a beer and celebrate with your partner.  If not, talk to your partner about moving all your money together! Mentioned in this episode: 004: Budgeting & Money – Own Your Finances as a Couple - Our first episode about moneyWhen, How & Why to Start Saving Your Hard Earned Dollars with Rachel Cruze on the She Podcast - the episode that shifted Sara’s perspective on shared bank accounts (jump to minute 47:00)005: The Shopping Budget Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

Do you and your partner live on the same planet when it comes to money topics in your partnership?  Income, expenses, savings, debt, everything? We strongly believe in 100% money transparency within a marriage or life partnership.  That means sharing and communicating everything about your finances together, whether it’s good, bad or ugly. This episode is about being intentional about sharing every single detail of every single dollar. In this episode, we talk about: Why we think every couple should openly share with one another their income, expenses, savings, and debtsHow money transparency helps you approach family finances as a teamHow you can get started sharing openly about money if you don’t right nowThe key money topics that engaged couples need to talk about before they get married #ConfidentCouples challenge: If you don’t currently share transparently about money, let it start with you.  Take your most recent credit card statement and post it to the kitchen refrigerator. Mentioned in this episode: Our other episodes on money: 004: Budgeting & Money and 005: The Shopping BudgetAloe Blacc - I Need A Dollar (Official Video)21% of Divorcées Cite Money as the Cause of Their Divorce, MagnifyMoney Survey Show Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

Do you and your partner agree on where you're headed in life together? If you're not sure, visioning might help. Visioning is simply painting a picture of what we want the future to look like. It means standing in the present and seeing, imagining, feeling success for you at a certain point in the future. We first heard about this in a business context from Zingerman's, a community of businesses in Ann Arbor, Michigan. But like a lot of business concepts, we knew we had to try it on a personal level too. As we define it at Zingerman’s, a vision is a picture of the success of a project at a particular time in the future.Ari Weinzweig, Zingerman’s Co-Founding Partner, Why and How Visioning Works On today's podcast, we're sharing what it looked like for us to write a 15-year vision for our life together, and what it meant to us. In this episode, we talk about: How visioning together makes sure you aren't chasing different futuresHow we wrote our first 15-year vision in June 2015 (and excerpts from it)Our suggested step-by-step process for visioning as a couple3 hallmarks of a compelling vision Excerpts from our real 15-year visions Section of Sara’s Vision: It this point, my business’ management team and amazing, dedicated co-workers run our work without my day to day input.  I get to set strategy, help identify opportunities, and market our work. I have expanded into business products and a bit of consulting to help other businesses be successful. Section of Bud’s Vision: I run a personal blog that is based around finding productive and profitable relationships, centered around marriage and how it's the best investment you can make along with my three legged marriage stool.  I talk about intimacy, financial planning, and communication at speaking events, and I really enjoy this as a hobby of giving away Sara’s and my thoughts and feelings on marriage. #ConfidentCouples challenge: Read the blog posts from Zingerman's below! These have all the details about exactly why and how to vision. Mentioned in this episode: Zingerman's: Why and How Visioning WorksZingerman's: The Power of Visioning (step-by-step instructions)"People think marriage is looking deep into each other's eyes. No, it's looking out and seeing the same life." – Rob Marshall, on Emily Blunt & John Krasinski's shared vision for their life Episode 003: Life Planning Dinner Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and send us a message with any questions about this episode.

It’s impossible to think that you’ll always agree with your partner in a relationship, all the time. Disagreements are inevitable but angry, hurtful confrontations shouldn’t be.  We decided early on that blowout arguments weren’t going to happen in our relationship. In the last 17 years of being together, we’ve developed a few “rules” to make sure we’re fighting fair instead of hurting feelings.  In this episode, we walk through them (and share a few times that we’ve failed). In this episode, we talk about: Our 3 rules for fighting fair:#1 Don’t Bring Up the Past: keep your disagreement in the moment, in the present#2 No Name Calling #3 No Generalizations: be specific, avoid “always” and “never”A few times we’ve broken the rulesHow we politely remind each other of the “rules” in the heat of the momentWhy you need to de-escalate a fight if you want to affect change #ConfidentCouples challenge: In your next disagreement, monitor your own behavior.  Make sure you can follow these rules yourself before suggesting to your partner putting a few parameters around your arguments. Mentioned in this episode: Episode 001: The Three-Legged Stool Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram Like what you heard? Support us with a review on iTunes!

Just last month, we went on a weekend getaway, with a special catch—No technology. Today, we’re talking about this concept of Unplugged Weekend, how it helps our relationship, and why we think it’s the perfect intentional way to re-connect. In this episode, we talk about: Our recent unplugged weekend in Winter Park, FL and why we loved itWhy turning off technology is a great way to reconnect with your partnerSecrets to unplugging successfully #ConfidentCouples challenge: Talk to your partner about unplugging for a dinner date or life planning dinner.  See how freeing it can be and maybe you’ll want to try out a whole weekend. Let's connect!  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram and let us know if you think you can survive a whole weekend without a cell phone.

How often do we set unreasonable expectations for our partner that inevitably lead to us feeling disappointed? It’s so common to say  “Let’s see if he/she notices [fill in the blank]” or “I’ll test him/her and see if he/she remembers to [fill in the blank].”  But… is it really productive, or is this destined for hurt and distance? Why are we setting up our partners for failure? In this episode, we discuss how we can all set our partner up for success instead, and how that makes all of us happier in relationship. In this episode, we talk about: The classic “Let’s see if he notices my new blouse” test (sstttttopppp)What we’re really looking for when we give our partner unreasonable “tests” that they’re likely to failHow and why we intentionally set eachother up for success instead #ConfidentCouples challenge: Give your partner an opportunity to succeed and affirm you in a way you’ve been looking for.  You may need to have an expectation discussion around affirming one another. Did you know we stream every episode recording live, usually weeks before it launches on the podcast?  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram to get notified when we go live.

Welcome to 2019, where money and income-earning roles in relationships don’t always follow a "traditional" stereotype. We don’t think there’s enough conversation around handling partnerships where income is basically equal.  Who’s in charge of what? What does that mean for who makes money decisions? In this episode, we draw back the curtain on our own income situation, how we’ve invested in one another, and what we messed up when our income wasn’t quite so equal. In this episode, we talk about: How each partner in a relationship deserves equal power in money choices and managementUsing dual income to allow you to invest in one another’s careersSpeaking out against money stereotypes in social situations #ConfidentCouples challenge: Introspective - how are you thinking about your own money role in the relationship?  How can you shift that to make it more empowering for yourself? Mentioned in this Episode: Episode 004: Budgeting & Money – Own Your Finances as a CoupleThe End of Men: And the Rise of Women - book recommended by Bud Did you know we stream every episode recording live, usually weeks before it launches on the podcast?  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram to get notified when we go live.

Has your partner ever tried a weird diet?  We get it—we’ve tried… almost all of them. Making big diet changes can put strain on a relationship, changing how you spend time together, what you enjoy together, and some of your regular routine.   In this episode, come into our kitchen as we talk about ways you can support your partner when they want to try a new way of eating. Plus, we talk about why our kitchen table always has a huge bowl of fruit, and some of Sara’s struggles with Bud’s current diet. In this episode, we talk about: The types of diets we’ve tried, and what we’re doing nowHow we are currently dealing with being on different diets3 ways to be intentional in supporting your partner’s eating choices #ConfidentCouples challenge: Cook a meal or grab a snack you know your partner likes tonight.  Let them know you chose it because they love it! Mentioned in this Episode: Living with a SEAL: 31 Days Training with the Toughest Man on the Planet by Jesse ItzlerFit for Life by Harvey and Marilyn DiamondWhole30 Did you know we stream every episode recording live, usually weeks before it launches on the podcast?  Follow us at @budandsara on Instagram to get notified when we go live.

In your relationship, what values matter more to you than anything else? If you haven't talked about it, you might not know. Core values are a short list of the 3-6 things that matter most to you in your partnership.  These are principles that guide your decisions. What would we choose over all other things? Having a discussion about your values is an incredible way to find out what is important to your partner. Once decided together, these values can help you make tough choices, by guiding you in the direction of your highest values instead of what is easy, safe, or pleases others. In this episode, we talk about: How the idea of core values came out of a business workshop but really naturally works in relationships tooHow bringing business practices into relationships might help you get your partner interested in being more intentionalOur 5 core values in our marriageHow we developed our core values, and the process we recommend you follow if you want to do this #ConfidentCouples challenge: Give some thought yourself to what you see as core values in your relationship. Write down 2 things that you value highly in your relationship. Consider bringing them up at your next Life Planning Dinner. Mentioned in this Episode: Episode 003: Life Planning DinnerVistage: Bud's business group where he learned about core values *Connect with us and let us give you a