Dating Kinky

Unsolicited advice is something I've been personally noodling for a bit, especially in regards to personal boundaries and ethics.

Welcome back to me! I guess I kind of just disappeared. And I didn't mean to. I meant to say something, do something, let people know... But I didn't. And I apologize for that.

To "do relationships" well, there are two factors that must be considered: 1. The individuals involved. 2. The relationships.

Or, do you punish the lack of perfection? I'll admit, I do both. It's hard, sometimes, to recognize that things are getting better when they are frustrating AF, and maybe even something you take personally.

I've covered priorities, openness and respect in communication. Today, I'm tackling compassion.

Not sure where this came from, except from the heart today. I wish all of this for all of you.

I've always thought Meatloaf had it backwards. He sang, "I want you. I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever going to love you..."

When you have power exchange relationship with romance, you actually have two relationships: Power exchange dynamic + Romantic

One thing I've noticed in kink—versus the swinging world or nearly any other passion/hobby communities I've been in—kinksters as a whole do not believe the value of kink.

And you know what else? It's encouraged by many.

I began to realize that while I didn't need another human to make my way through the world, especially one specific other human, the way love stories always suggested, I did want that partner.

I'm not the only one who has said that sex has gotten better as we've walked over that hill. And it's not just for women, either.

Whether you feel respect will play a big part in whether or not they feel respected. A lack of respect bleeds through into everything you communicate.

And I don't find that all the people in kink (or dating, or whatever) are creepy. Not even most of them. Not even most of the (gasp) men.

If you really love someone, the LAST thing you want to do is to cause them hurt.

A large and loud truck went by our outdoor gathering of kinky folk. Cue the usual jokes about masculine size compensation. I stopped them. Because consensual SPH is NOT acceptable. But consensual? Well, that's another story.

A big part of CNC is developing the trust that you both ultimately want the same sorts of things from your kink and personal lives.

Some may be born with a predisposition to pleasure. But since we can't know what potential we are born with, it's up to us to try new things, practice our exercises, and see where we can go and what we can feel.

One of the questions I get repeatedly: "Is 24/7 right for me?" It's an easy answer, once you have all the moving parts in place: Definitions, Negotiations, Expectations

Are you open enough? Are you authentic with your words and feelings? Do you offer what you need to offer to make your priorities happen?

Humans are at their best when they experience a wide range of emotions in life. O'erweening positivity can deny the validity of many not-so-positive emotions and minimize the human experience.

Some people seem to think that friendship is an action you perform to get sex out of someone.

If we have different best ways of learning, perhaps we have different best ways of receiving information from others that are similar.

I'm not sure I have ever really been as deep in the trenches of the men versus women war as I was on this day.

Trying to find that vanilla love (which is a multi-billion dollar industry) and on top of that, adding in the extra desires (needs) of kink and it's 31 (31,000?) flavors can be pretty daunting.

In January of 2016, I wrote about recovering from trauma, and I sometimes go back to that writing that I did for someone else to help them—to help myself.

This clip made it all so clear to me: the 3 stages of working through trauma.

What you want in this moment from this conversation will make a HUGE difference in how and what you communicate.

YOUR "No" is allowed to mean anything you want it to. "Banana" can mean no. Or yes. Or "remember that time that we were at the zoo, and that money made a rude gesture with it's banana?"

A lot of dating advice says something like, "Be realistic in your expectations," and they are right. Not RIGHT, but right.

"Do you think consent equates to no harm?" Obviously not. People say there are no stupid questions. But there are. This is one of them.

Have you heard yet about "dead vagina syndrome?"

It's always fascinating when someone writes about how awesome their lover is when they are together and just trash them once the relationship ends. Were they dating two different people?

"Go learn and do your own emotional labor before trying to involve me. I don't have the patience to date you and be your poly sherpa. Pick one! Lol"

Communication only works positively if people WANT to work together.

A simple and brilliant strategy: Reward what you want in your life. Ignore or do not reward what you don't want in your life.

Communication is NOT enough. You need this, too.

"No" does not mean "ask me why and argue with me about the validity of my decision."

Do you think that any specific gender has innate power over another?

People who believe you can read minds, often believe that they can, too.

Some people will tell you that you're not and you need to change to be worthy. I disagree with this.

I've realized that the TRUST is not about them. It was never about them.

To me, they are so much more than some time before and after sex/kink/play.

I don't want to be everyone's safe space. I can't. I don't have the energy, and frankly, that's not my priority.

Over the years, I've had a lot of feels about the idea of "unconditional." Here are a few from years previous.

Fearful people will seem fine until they are not, often seeming to change instantly from smiling and sweet to biting and snapping.

I don't want to know that I made you feel love for me yesterday or 13 days ago, or on your birthday last year, but that you love me now, today.

Quick answer: No. But they often do, and it's pretty much sort of expected of them.

If someone says nothing is wrong when you ask, believe them (or act like you do). They have a right to their mental privacy.

I start out with a question, usually 'How am I feeling?' and the date. Then, I answer the question.

I don't preach nonmonogamy (although I sometimes want to). In fact, I've said it before, poly or nonmonogamy are not for everyone.