Dispatches from Seattle: A Coronavirus Podcast

Humanity is insane and we're the only ones who know it. Today, we banter a bit and then get into some heavy shit about China, genocide, the military industrial complex, and the insatiable avarice of Mars, god of War. Oh sacred WAR, we offer to thee the wealth of our nations, the sweat of our labors, the ashes of our hopes, and the blood of our children. May thee fill in us what is empty. Plus: Sorry, Ethan's audio is garbo. 

We're back to ponder the hard questions like, was Stalin a good person? Having never received our check from President Xi, we start simping for Cuba, which has the advantage of still being socialist. Ethan runs through dread goddess Rona's latest kill count, Jason loses his hearing, and we review an oddly prescient (in the wrongest way possible) article from Wired circa 1997. Plus: The Simpsons that could have been!  

Who's to blame for the ongoing covid epidemic: individuals who haven't been vaccinated for whatever reason? Or the leaders of the most powerful nation in history refusing to do a damned thing about it? We contemplate these and other questions, talking a surprising amount about dread goddess Rona, for a podcast that took her name out of the title. Jason's back with more Rants on Rantz, Ethan deep dives the metrics, and we shill for Andrew Grant Houston for Seattle mayor. Plus: is Seattle still safe for beat-up cars? 

How many kaiju do you think came through that rift? We contemplate a world on fire. Jason reminisces about the car he bought from a pirate, Ethan lectures from the Bible, and we check if some of our favorite places survived the pandemic. Plus: local chud celebrity Jason Rantz has bad takes. We start beef with our all-new segment, Rants on Rantz! We aren't vegetarians but we ain't fucking scared of him! 

Surprise—we're back! We needed a break, but the world kept on turning. We return to shovel through the manure of our crumbling neoliberal order in a desperate search for content. Join us as we rant and rave about test-tube ten-year-olds, our recent forays into medieval arms, and Jeff Bezos in space. Plus: our Father's Day gift list!

Wherein SquadCast screwed us out of audio. We brainstorm ways to accustom bears to the taste of human flesh. Jason reconciles with his father, Ethan collapses under the weight of feline affection. Plus: season 3 is here! (It was more impressive and/or funnier before SquadCast lost our audio.) 

We reflect on what we’ve learned, if anything, from a year of podcasting in the shadow of our dread goddess Rona (praise be unto her). Jason reviews Oscar bait while Ethan thirsts for fictional bad girls. Plus: we get rich in a galaxy far, far away! Just as soon as Ethan gets back from visiting his Imperial girlfriend in space prison. 

We’re a week out of date because Ethan forgot to edit last week, but who’s counting? Except you, Dev. We've heard your complaints. Love you! Pfizer punched Jason’s V-card, so he shares the experience. Ethan relives the glory days when rent in Seattle was affordable to people who weren’t making six figures. And we reflect that more than half of a million people have been murdered by the Trump administration’s criminal negligence—I mean, have died of covid in the US! Plus: why the hell aren’t they vaccinating the dishwashers? 

Jason watched CPAC so you didn’t have to. You’re welcome! Turns out, the nazicons are up in arms about the alleged phenomenon of cancellation culture. Ethan gets canceled, Jason gets canceled, and even though he isn’t on this episode, Dev’s probably canceled by association. But it’s cool because CPAC is here to save us! Plus: actually, this entire episode is about CPAC. Jason suffered, and now, so must you!

It snowed in Seattle! Our fur babies had mixed feelings. In this episode, we quit the podding business and move to Hollywood. Jason complains about Republicans for once, Ethan delivers a lengthy lecture on the tenets of fascism, and we weigh in on the great debate: was Trump a fascist? Is the United States a fascistic country? Does it even matter what we call it?

America’s favorite blood sport culminated this past weekend. We barely talk about it because screw football! Instead, Ethan has dinosaurs on the brain, Jason discusses the finer points of pirate honor, and we fantasize about what kind of posthuman monstrosities we would be. Plus: do people eat guano?

Fake money burns and billionaires lose fortunes. Down with the stock market! Join us as we gloat over loser hedge funds and relive the glory days of drinking PBR tallboys in Parkland. Ethan puzzles over panzer waifus, Jason struggles with outrage addiction, and we get into antisemitic congressperson Marjorie Taylor Greene’s obsession with orbital lasers of the Jewish faith. Plus: DreamTalk!

Today, we talk lighthuggers, Ice Mendicants, Ultras, Stoner wedding ceremonies, and best girl Ilia Volyova. Our verbal onslaught continues against Anthony Fauci, America’s most powerful octogenarian doctor, and we complain a lot about calls for unity. Plus: arrest high-level planners of the coup attempt already!

Trump and his supporters made the weaksauciest coup attempt since Juan Guaidó. We talk about it. Ethan cackles and crows, Jason retains some semblance of humanity, and we try to set this event in the broader context of American empire, the punitive police state, and nuclear weapons. Plus: where do banana republics come from?

Special guest host Dev returns to the pod to help us relive this nightmare year! We promise this is the best 2020 summary episode you’ll hear all year. Jason confesses that this was all his fault, Ethan announces his campaign for Seattle City Council, and Dev… well, everyone loves Dev. Plus: Snyder cuts all the way down!

Look to find us where there’s conspiratorial nonsense to give too much airtime! Truly, these are our Elysian fields. Jason struggles to come to terms with life after Cats, Ethan mourns the loss of fifty thousand of our brave fighting boys in Maine, and we take a hard stance on democratizing the Olympics. Release the butthole cut!

Today, we put the Butterball back in Christmas! By which we mean the cenobite. Jason tries to redeem Blade Runner 2049 in Ethan’s eyes, Ethan negotiates arms sales with Santa, and we bag on Anthony Fauci for being an ancient little weasel. Plus: we dredge up the fetid remains of the Transformers franchise to harvest it for content!

Aliens exist! We react to retired Israeli general Haim Eshed’s revelations about aLiEnS oN mArS. We have some ideas for a new shared universe of conspiracy theories. We’ll see. Remember, this is satire, folks. Plus: spoiler warnings for the prologue of Cyberpunk 2077. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!

This one's not as much of a bummer, we swear. Jason hints at a darker past laboring over food, Ethan rants about aircraft carriers again, and we get pretty deep into cultural criticism in the back half. Plus: our hot takes on Cyberpunk 2077! No spoilers, because neither of us has played it!

Today, we take an in-depth look at a home quarantine situation. A boomer’s family locks him alone in his bedroom—how will he escape? Listen to find out! Also, Ethan ponders secret societies, Jason dissects robot religion, and we discuss the best methods for harvesting alien space bats.

In another bleak episode, Thanksgiving is as canceled as Genghis Khan. This week, the boys remember they run a coronavirus themed podcast. Ethan fawns for Daddy Inslee, Jason despairs of humanity, and we all have a real good time. Plus: feelings on Seattle pizza! Wear a mask, stay home, stay safe!

Joseph R. Biden, Jr. (do we have to call him that now?), has been elected the 46th president of the United States of Murca. The boys complain about how he isn’t a pure commie snowflake. And maybe about how the Democrats need to pull their heads from the ground and stop taking BIPOC and progressive votes for granted. Not being fascists isn’t enough, guys. Plus: Among Us references for the kiddies!

The boys wonder WTF is up with Dianne Feinstein. Jason extolls the virtues of necrocracy and Ethan explains why he doesn’t care if Iran is hacking the election. Plus: war, poverty, and the politics of deindustrialization in a galaxy far, far away. Big, rusty spoonfuls for everyone! VOTE BIDEN.

Jason goes on a long rant about the literal devil, Ethan talks about that one time he almost beat up a kid, and they speculate on Trump’s health. Also, Jason’s cheating on his demons. With rocks. Welcome to CrystalCast! Plus: how to kill your dragon!

President Donald J. Trump has coronavirus, which is why you should wear a mask. We don’t wish him well. Ethan pines over pirates, Jason talks sea serpents and plausible deniability, and the boys sup at the well of irony till their bellies swell to bursting. Plus: X-wings vs. TIE fighters!

This past week, a grand jury decided Breonna Taylor’s life mattered less than a wall. The show takes an anticlerical turn as the boys discuss the hard-right Catholic cultist Trump’s appointing to the Supreme Court. Jason tells us the saga of Quark and Dump, Ethan gets radicalized by YouTube, and they talk about Stellaris when the news bums them out. Plus: we’re still mad at the worthless curs in the Democratic Party (and Mitt Romney)!

Along with 200,000 Americans, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg recently died. We contemplate the horror of a Supreme Court with a 6-3 conservative majority. Ethan says pack the court. Jason says why not. Plus: celebrities who kill! And for the record, Romney is a beta chump.

The boys discuss how hot sexy-ex-con-firefighter calendars would be if neoliberal society could get over its compulsion to punish. Ethan talks about the best movie he’s never seen and Jason warns of the coming of the ground ghosts. Plus: cats!

Under assault by duplicitous ad-blockers, Jason nonetheless delivers a stirring lesson on the nature and history of tulpas, while Ethan shares his thoughts on eating paint (don’t!). Plus: Is it better to have one boss alley cat who pisses all over, or dozens of ferals who also piss all over?

Today, the boys discuss Trump’s LDE at the RNC, fire, and our festering schools. Ethan hijacks things to talk about masculinity and Jason describes his kinships with the apes. Plus: who wants another civil war?

The boys are back in season two with intrigue and mystery to string you along for the whole season. Jason and Ethan tastefully discuss the passing of Herman Cain, the arrest of Steve Bannon, and jet-powered tanks. Plus: their endorsement for President of the United States of America!

Ethan lost a dear friend last week and tries to process his grief healthily. (Rice, I miss you so much. You'll always be my fatty little lamb. I love you, little bud.) Also, Ethan and Jason talk about the nature of free will, Seattle's war criminal mayor, and chilling with serpents in the Garden of Eden.

Rice the cat has recovered from being a bad boy and is now a very good boy indeed. Jason and Ethan talk about the Seattle Committee for Public Safety’s brutal rule over CHOP and why “human remains” are being found on the beaches of Seattle. They might even mention coronavirus. Plus: Ethan’s pot habit claims a life!

Ethan and Jason return to stoke generational conflict between millennials and zoomers when we all know everything's the boomers' fault. Do the kids like Satan? Are all millennials really alcoholics? Plus: Ethan rambles about some actors he likes!

In their first full do-over, Jason and Ethan contemplate the uprisings in Seattle and throughout the world. The boys consider the merits of creating a Twitter handle and the inner politics of Emperor Palpatine. Plus, Ethan has a very bad cat.

Oppressed peoples rise up across the nation to demand justice for George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, and countless others. Dev rejoins the crew to talk about the ongoing protests in Seattle and the Seattle Police Department's attempts to brutally suppress them through unprovoked violence.

Special guest Dev joins Jason and Ethan this week for a rousing discussion about sharks, cats, dogs, Tom Cruise, extreme body modification, and Ethan's adventures in online dating. Plus: what's 100,000 dead people in patriotic units of measurement? (Hint: it's a lot of 9/11s.)

This week, Ethan and Jason discuss metricizing zombies in the modern apocalypse, keeping up with the Russians, and whatever is going on with the US Space Force. Plus: Ethan's live reaction to the Space Force flag (you won't believe what he said! don't you want to believe?). Now with 100% more theme songs!

In an episode that swings wildly between real bummer and full-blown aliens, Ethan and Jason ask whether our extraterrestrial benefactors will save us. Jason talks about boomer magic and how our parents trigger us and Ethan confronts his inner demons. Plus--the Geico Gecko: God of Our Time.

Stoking their courage for the impending doom of murder hornets, Jason and Ethan contemplate the worst. Jason preaches about meat, Ethan preaches about drugs, and they talk about metrics. Like, a lot. Plus: why Jason wants Trump to win the White House!

As they sink further into the depths of madness, Ethan and Jason discuss mindfulness, whether Kim Jong-un is alive, evil twins (#$@! you so much, Nathan), and what they feel inside of their bodies. Also, special guest Bird has a lot to say about everything!

As they have yet to perish of plague, Jason and Ethan talk life after St. Bernard, Biden's new sinophobic ad, and what a marvelous idea it would be to reopen the country. Plus, updates on Hug Watch 2020!

Special guest Sam teaches Ethan and Jason about feeling secure during the apocalypse. Together, they discuss routes of safety, the failures of Christendom, and Ethan's struggles with lycanthropy.

Earlier than we expected, more than 10,000 people in the US have now died from COVID-19--that we know about. We let that sink in a bit. It's kind of rough. Jason talks Biden, Ethan explains neoliberalism, and the both of them struggle with audio issues.

Seattle remains emplaguened. Ethan waxes philosophical about the very concept of privacy—how do privacy?—Jason advocates investing in nonlethal weapons, and they discuss their mutual hatred of fun. Plus, cooking tips for the apocalypse: when is it safe to eat that egg? (Spoilers: not if it's covered in radioactive blood.)

In which we discuss life in Seattle with coronavirus, COVID-19, SARS 2, or whatever else you'd like to call it. Jason shares his thoughts on a late viewing of The Joker, Ethan complains about Jay Inslee, and both of them do their best to suck up to the nurses who will soon be struggling to save their lives. If they're lucky.