Enough Wicker: Intellectualizing the Golden Girls

We made it! We break down the very satisfying, very funny, very sad finale of the greatest television of all time, The Golden Girls. Thank you for being our friend and sticking with us! You've inspired us more than you'll never know

Before we get to the final episode of the greatest television of all time, we chat about our process and pull highlights from our copious notes.

The Girls crash a local high school reunion with assumed identities such as the ever-popular prom queen Cindy Lou Peeples and the class B Susan Armstrong. While it seems like a load of fun, things quickly take a turn when Rose is rushed to the hospital with a cardiac emergency. Kierstan, who apparently lives in Miami now (?) comes by, Blanche finds Jesus while entertaining her daughter and granddaughter, and Sophia does the best Scandinavian accent we've heard yet. A wild ride fitting for the penultimate two-parter of the greatest television show of all time.

Blanche convinces Rose that Miles has the wandering eye, and that the only way to quell it is with a nudie photoshoot. Dorothy bumps into a former student who offers her a cushy job with a big salary, but she simply cannot part with the driver's ed cones.

In the final cross over with Empty Nest and Nurses, officially called Full Moon over Miami, all hell has broken loose at Blanche's moonlight madness party. Men are totally ignoring her, except for Derek ah...sumpin, they're all over Dorothy, Miles and Rose might get married, and Sophia is out here trippin rabbis. A wild romp that ends with everyone just accepting that the moon makes people crazy sometimes.

Dorothy is perfectly content watching Amazing Discoveries (it just shucks it off!) but Blanche insists she come down to The Rusty Anchor and meet some men. Dorothy ends up bringing the house down with a 'little ditty' that sends Blanche into a green with envy (or maybe magenta with envy?) tailspin. Meanwhile, Sophia, Blanche and Rose plan Sophia's live wake.

Angelo and Rose accidentally get Dorothy and Stan into some hot water regarding their rental property. Meanwhile, Mama needs a new pair of shoes!

Dorothy and Blanche audition for Jeopardy, but Blanche doesn't know where the Ural Mountains are and Dorothy has studied everything under the sun, including the St. Olaf High Yearbook. Meanwhile, in one of the teariest tearjerkers of all time, the girls get Rose a dog to raise her spirits, which she gifts to a widower who lost his wife not hours before.

Dorothy finally beds a Beatle. Or, at least an incredible simulation. Meanwhile, Blanche aggressively pursues a very very tall gentleman.

Hello, Mr. Gordon! In an all-time fav, Dorothy's high school teacher, whom she had a massive crush on, is in Miami. She hopes to impress him by sharing her views on women's issues on a local TV Show booked by A+ TV producer Rose, aka Harold Goldstein.

Creepy Thor Anderson is here from St. Olaf after saving up for the bus fare and maybe low-key stalking Rose. Meanwhile, Sophia answers a personal ad, thinks she's caught up in sex games, but is actually witnessing the heartbreaking reality of a wife trying to prepare her husband for her imminent death. What a load of fun!

The Pope is in Miami and Sophia is hellbent on getting a papal blessing for her sick friend, Agnes. So hellbent, in fact, that she steals a jewel-encrusted ring steeped in history to make her point. Meanwhile, Blanche gives Roes the gift of suspicion with a detective in the bushes.

B̶e̶n̶,̶ ̶B̶o̶b̶,̶ Bill! Bill is back from the war and really looking to get back on track with his serious relationship. The problem is, Blanche, whom he's been pining for the whole time he's deployed, doesn't remember him. Meanwhile, Sophia uses Rose as an estate attorney and is hoarding more than just gold teeth.

It's spooky season and what better way to celebrate than some Grammy-haunted windchimes! The girls help Blanche say goodbye to her [definitely racist] Grammy's plantation outside Atlanta. Meanwhile, Sophia dies for a minute and comes back with a life wish.

We're back on track and discussing Mile$ and his frickin frugality! Meanwhile, Dorothy leaves Sophia in Blanche's care as she goes on a romantic cruise for 3 days--just enough time to make it to a remote village in Sicily and get back to Miami.

What better way to celebrate the anniversary of the Golden Girls Premier than a conversation with pop culture author, TV expert, and all-around pal & confidante, Jim Colucci! We talk to Jim about his own connection to the show, the process of writing Golden Girls Forever, which has become a must-have for any fan of the show, and his appreciation for the art of sitcom. Plus, we hear about Jim's new book that focuses on another classic TV show, The Love Boat, and a conversation he and Sarah have planned in LA to discuss Sarah's book, AKA Lucy. It is truly a load of fun!

If you've been a Scandinavian knit-wit living in a closet and haven't heard, Sarah wrote a book! A.K.A. Lucy: The Dynamic and Determined Life of Lucille Ball is out on October 10. We discuss the tie-ins of I Love Lucy and Lucille Ball & The Golden Girls with Jim Negri, a Lucy & GG expert, and Charlie Cizek, better known as the genius behind the hilarious Instagram account, ShadyPinesMa85.

There's a hurricane a-coming! Specifically, Hurricane Saturday, NBC's epic crossover event. This episode features the McKinley Lighthouse (RIP), poor Gloria (literally), Stan and FiFi, Bea Arthur's real-life son, and so much more. You'll love it, or our names aren't Dan and Morothy.

We're back!! In this one, Rose goes out with a jerk who dates men and women, Blanche tries to deflower a priest, and we see young Dorothy, young Stan, and a red-headed Sophia! Not a top-tier episode, but lots to discuss! 

In the last episode before our summer hiatus, we explore a clown-fearing mama's boy and Stan's transference of his mother's love and rejection to Sophia. Enjoy it with a cake that's sweetened with natural fruit juices & some moist tea!

Sophia eats some cantaloupe and pretends to be possessed by Charlie in a mean joke that really damages Rose's relationship with Miles (who, btw, is back from Amish Country and still going by Miles). Meanwhile, Blanche coaches Stevie, a baseball player with some unconventional methods, and Dorothy writes a letter to her dead father. PS. It's pride month! Support your local drag queen (and their baseball team)!

Dorothy is putting together a family history for her grandkids and learns, despite Sophia's best efforts, that her mother was betrothed to a man named Guido! Huge reveal! Meanwhile, good two shoes Rose calls the City on Blanche when she plans to install a hot tub. 

Sophia sneezed and blew herself off a stool, resulting in two sprained ankles! Dorothy hires a nurse, and while she resists at first, Sophia becomes quite fond of her (not in that way). Meanwhile, Blanche parades her grandaughter around at a child beauty pageant where not a one kid seems to be having fun and one might actually set herself on fire.

The Girls head to the Maltese Falcon Club to participate in a Murder Mystery Weekend. Blanche is competing against Posey McGlinn for a promotion, and also maybe a romantic relationship with her boss? Sophia cops an entire place set, Dorothy solves the mystery, and Rose not only figures out what a maître d' is, but also gets back at Blanche for stealing her earrings! What a load of fun! 

We're back and we're entering the final season! Dorothy needs a hearing aid, Sophia might be a Jew for Jesus, and Charlie may have slept with Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux while he was visiting Miami.

The sky is falling and we're closing out Season 6 on top! Rose, Dorothy, and Blanche, 68 (and dead!) star in an elementary school production of Henny Penny narrated by a Robin Hood-clad Sophia. Meanwhile, Blanche tries to get Chugger Dietz to print a retraction on an obituary that does not result in the outpouring of grief one would expect. 

Nyquill shooters & a hotplate, a recipe for disaster! Sophia is under arrest when a deathbed confession implicates her in the Shady Pines fire. The rest of the girls reminisce while trying to work through an impossible situation.

Blanche Devereaux's going on a diet....again. The girls participate in a bachelorette auction, the crown jewel of 90s sitcom plots. Uncle Angelo is back in town, and thanks to the timely death of Stan's own uncle, Dorothy is able to offer him an apartment in his hour of need. The place leaves something to be desired on the hide-and-seek front, but is apparently large enough for a formal party with a long guest list that doesn't include the Big Mean Bug Lady. 

Hi Dorothy, Bye Dorothy. Blanche Devereaxu's goin on a diet. Blanche purges the kitchen of all sweet and salty treats as she tries to fit back into her wedding dress. Rose and Sophia, in different ways, make this all the more difficult. Meanwhile, Certified Golden Girls Hunk™, John Noretti is in Miami and he and Dorothy share an enchanted evening and rehash old memories.

A rabbi, a mobster, and a copy in a dress walk into a house... In this one, Rose is dating the Cheeseman! Miles comes back as an Amish windmill maker, and Blanche tries her yankee-doodle-dandiest to get into a club full of racist old white ladies. It's a hilarious, whacky ride.

When Dorothy struggles to connect with the kids in her honors progrum, Sophia tells her she was the brightest kid in Brooklyn™ growing up and it goes straight to her head. Speaking of State Fairs, Blanche's ego inflates until its bursts when a young actor mistakes her for Aurora's mother. It's grand..just grand.

Cat show? Dog show.  Rose pursues a new career as a news reporter, but she's better with a hairbrush. Meanwhile, Blanche's perfect arrangement with Mel Bushman gets shaken up when she fears the Zipper King has died, finds out he hasn't, and then seeks to complicate their “relationship.”

Dorothy is in cahoots with the manager of Cyrpus Grove to trick Sophia into believing she's there to be something between an employee and a volunteer when really, she's a guest! Meanwhile, Rose and Blanche get a modeling gig for a penny saver that turns out to be less glamorous than they expected. We'd sue!

Dorothy and Stan have been sneaking around and no one bothered to ask Sophia aka the Godfather. The old flames decide to get married, again, not in the presence of their children or grandchildren, but under the instruction of a no-nonsense wedding planner and famed attorney Marvin Mitchelson. Surprise, it doesn't work out! Meanwhile, Rose is stalked and harassed by Myra, whose weapon of choice is a crustacean!

What was supposed to be an enjoyable evening of Miles reading poetry to celebrate that nose-nipper, Robert Frost, goes totally awry when news breaks that The Cheeseman, a mob boss, has been killed. Through a series of small reveals that don't make a ton of sense, Miles comes clean as Nicholas Carbone, shrimp lover and snitch in a tie.

Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and what better way to celebrate than with Clayton and Doug's engagement! Blanche struggles with accepting her brother as gay...again, but with the help of the rest of the girls, comes around eventually. Meanwhile, Rose loses an award to a dead woman. Our interview with Elliot Powell: https://www.enoughwicker.com/post/okie-dokie-daddio-sex-gender-jazz-in-the-golden-girls Alok: https://www.alokvmenon.com/

Rose wants Miles to jump out of an air-a-plane to prove he loves her. Blanche is dating Rex Huntington, an abusive dirtbag who treats her terribly, and Dorothy decides to intervene. It takes Blanche a minute to come around, but luckily she sees the light. Meanwhile, Dorothy and Sophia work on the famous lunar landing puzzle. All of The Golden Girls Villains, Ranked, with illustrations from Wicker Good Memes is here: https://www.enoughwicker.com/post/all-of-the-golden-girls-villains-ranked

In what is arguably the saddest episode of the entire series, we mourn Phil Petrillo. Family man, poker player, and style icon. Sophia confronts Phil's wife Angela aka Big Sally about a decades-long feud and the rest of the girls try and cope with the loss.

Blanche is checkin' out everything but the books at the library and comes across Mr. Ted Tanner, who turns out to be a jerk in a wheelchair. Meanwhile, Rose tries to convince the fam to let her keep Bingo, an absolutely adorable puppy, but as Dorothy puts it, no one lucid is home during the day to care for him.

St. Olaf is going through a drought and wants all of its one-time citizens, even those who live elsewhere, to join in the misery. Rose decides to commit to celibacy, but on the advice of Blanche, tries to use it as an opportunity to make Miles jealous, rather than tell the truth. Meanwhile, Blanche also inserts herself into Sophia's dating life, creating the infamous 65-year-old drag queen visual we know and love.

Mrs. Blanche Devereaux considers whether or not to stay Mrs. Blanche Devereaux when George's ghost shows up in Miami! Using one of the favorite tactics of TV at the time, Blanche dreams Geroge stained his desk and has been alive this whole time. Meanwhile, Sonny Bono and Lyle Waggoner compete for Dorthy's affection.

A nun has died and a dork in a Duster rams into Rose's car. Amid the grief of losing a friend, Sophia decides to join the convent. Meanwhile, Blanche uses Rose's car in a reckless attempt to meet rich men. None of it works out—what a load of fun!

Dorothy and Stan are back at it again! As though they're right back at prom night 1946, everybody's favorite divorced couple is sneaking around and carrying on like teenagers. Rose is having a problem at work with an overeager colleague that only Sophia can solve (sans dart gun).

Rose confronts her scumbag of a dentist who has been groping her while she's knocked out on laughing gas. Meanwhile, Dorothy aka Atila the Sub is filling in for a long-term job at a local Catholic high school. She has to decide whether or not to fail Kevin, a charming but lazy football star who refuses to apply himself academically, amid pressure from a priest, a dumb (but also charming in his own right!) coach, an active—and potentially threatening—alumni. Tunnels, he loved to drive through tunnels...

Big Daddy created a lot of problems for his family, even in death! Viola Watkins, Blanche's beloved "Mammy" shows up in Miami (after calling!) to ask for a music box she gave to Blanche's father, who we learned she loved. Blanche has to reconcile with the affair, while Sophia covertly signs Dorothy up for a matchmaker. Rose reveals her nanny was a goat and learns how to pronounce the first name of Mrs. Eisenhower.

In this one, Dorothy Zbornak (Miracle Worker) tries to help Jimmy, played by the incomparable Martin Mull, confront decades of life as a shut-in. Is she qualified, you ask? Not at all! Meanwhile, Rose decides she must throw Blanche a birthday party, even as Blanche's preferred method of coping with aging comes in the form of young men and living with women who look a lot older than she does!

With his invention, the Zbornee, Stanley is helping thousands of people open baked potatoes without burning their fingers and raking in the cash. He wants to share with his very best used-to-be (and her mother, who willfully accepts) but Dorothy is hesitant at first. Meanwhile, Rose makes sure to hold onto her I Lost My Ass in Vegas cup but somehow lets Blanche take thousands of dollars in St. Olaf war bonds. Blanche has to decide if keeping her newfound fortune is worth bankrupting the Cradle of Idiocy.

We lost Sophia, but we found Rose's father (he's an earthling!). The Girls are back at the hospital because Sophia has a hernia that we're led to believe is from moving furniture at Dorothy's request, but is actually a consequence of a hilarious prank. While there, Rose, an expert candy stripper and purveyor of Traditional St. Olaf Funpacks runs into her natural father, who turns out to be a dancing monk.

We're officially in Season 6 and Becky is back! After visiting a birthing center where it sounds like a mommy is on fire, she decides to instead deliver her baby at a Miami hospital, without regard for what that will to do Blanche's reputation. Eventually, Blanche accepts that Becky is pursuing single motherhood and has a moment of reflection where she realizes that is actually incredibly brave. Meanwhile, hyper-competitive Rose tries to satisfy her dead parents by pursuing an ice skating career.

Another two-part, clip show, season finale! Only this time, President Bush is stopping by to visit. Dorothy plans to share all of her gripes (most of which we share!) with the Prez, but freezes up in a classic "..Bush..." scene. Meanwhile, a charming Secret Service agent grills the girls to make sure it's safe for Mr. No New Taxes to stop by. Stanley brings over his greatest novelty to date, and it's a great end to Season 5!

Rose takes up painting and obviously, she can't paint a horse from memory, so asks someone to accompany her to the racetrack. Blanche, despite having a pass to the jockey's lounge, can't make it--largely because she's working her new boss Donald for 12 hours a week at the museum--so Dorothy hesitantly agrees to go. Unfortunately, one good day of picking winners reignites a vicious gambling problem that almost cost Dorothy everything years earlier.