My Sister Made Me Watch This

Another double entry covering episodes 5 & 6 of Gabby and Rachel's season! What was the point of Logan's entire arc here? Why did Rachel's downward spiral end so suddenly? Was it all the cheese? What's the best way to fire someone? Does Jesse practice his lines before heart-to-hearts? Is smacking someone in the face with a fish as fun as it looks? Should horses exist? Does Gabby actually want a relationship with any of these guys? Is Tino disintegrating in a puddle of bruised ego? Is our society on the brink of a mental breakdown?  YES 

Double episode covering episode 3 & 4 of Gabby and Rachel's season Is this the least likeable crop of men in Bachelorette history? Is Rachel going to be able to pull up out of this emotional tailspin? Do the producers get more diabolical every season? Is Zach's acting going to get any better? Has there ever been anyone on this show less articulate than Tino? Have they given up on all the men having sob stories to tell on one-on-ones? Why is there a baby diaper fetish cosplay date? Is there anything to like about Tino other than his height? Is it weird to make out inside of a cathedral? Is it possible to have a podcast while raising young children? 

Rachel and Gabby's journey to chaos and competition enters episode 2 with literally dozens of men.  Is this season just about mess, not about the "journey"? Is the speedo competition really the only way you can check out the men's bodies? Is it possible to fall in love with and marry a man who answers to "Meatball"? How much talent is required before you can call it a "pageant"? How much can a brother and sister talk about men's bulges before it gets uncomfortable? Is juggling really that impressive? Is there a bigger red flag for a man than referring to women as "females"? Is a safety pin an acceptable earring for a 33-year-old man with a child?

This episode is a week late! Rachel and Gabby's trainwreck begins with episode 1. Is this podcast really the best way for Colin to get time away from his infant son? Has this show finally dispensed with any pretense of rules or principles? Is there a single person here who isn't cravenly trying to be on TV? Are all the guys going to go for Gabby? Which of the women has worse taste in men? Why do so many of the men think Rachel and Gabby want to hear jokes about their mutual ex? Does Hayden sell timeshares or what? How many charges does Alec have pending? Who will be first to break the fourth wall?  SORRY for the late ep. we will try to BE BETTER

How can the women tell all while saying so little? Is Susie going to start a foundation to help other victims of Clayton's vast insensitivity?  A special doubl episode week!

Who will have the scariest dad? Who will have the lousiest hometown? Who is getting led on? What kind of wild animal will Clayton be bitten by? Is high ropes REALLY that scary? Are Michelle and Colin as good at Bachelor predictions as they think they are? Is Rachel's laryngitis strategic? Is Serene's brother Barack Obama's secret son?  Hometowns is actually taking place in people's home towns, so episode 8 of Clayton's season of The Bachelor is instantly ten times better.

Are they allowed to have two rose ceremonies in one episode? Where was Clayton's lie detection ability in the Shanae episodes? Will Mara's gambit for more screen time pay off on Women Tell All? Is the Pretty Woman date a harbinger of success for Susie? Can we please have Gabby as the next bachelorette instead of Susie? How many times can they say "hometowns" in one episode? Which girl is going to have the most unamused dad? Has there ever been a less appropriate date than fake televised therapy? Why are we pretending that Clayton is paying for Susie's new clothes? Why have we never seen footage of Sarah's alleged villainy? Will Sarah finally hire an acting coach? Will we ever see justice for Genevieve? Episode 7 of Clayton's season of The Bachelor is one of the best ever.

... Then comes Sarah in a baby carriage? Does Shanae have a future as a shrimp spokeswoman? How do you pronounce "Clayton"? Is Clayton always walking out of scenes to check the script? Is there nothing for these women to talk about other than how hard it is to "open up"? Why do we spend so much time hearing Mara spiralling through desperation and despair? What footage did we miss of Serene mastering knightly combat? Is Rachel an amazing kisser? How much horse anus does a girl need to eat to get some love from Clayton? Why can't Clayton see that no one except Mara is old enough to get married? Episode 6 of Clayton's season of The Bachelor is full of sword fights AND word fights!

Does Shanae have a genius-level villain IQ? Where is Houston anyway? Have the women run out of good sob stories for their one-on-ones? Is trophy-toss going to be added to the next Olympics? Is Genevieve going home in a barrel? Why would anyone ever believe Shanae's apology? Why didn't Clayton take the girls to Medieval Times in Toronto? Is there such a thing as gluten-free beaver tails?  Sorry this one's a week late! Episode 5 of Clayton's season of The Bachelor was so good it took Colin a long time to recover. 

Is this Shanae's season? Does Clayton love football more than he likes women? Is there a producer watching Clayton bathe? Should the Bachelor get three instant replays? Is Colin nailing a South African accent? Who are these random schlubs cooking barbecue for Clayton and Rachel? Is Sierra a pot-stirrer or an earnest busybody? Is it safe to have sex in the ocean? Is there a world where Clayton is actually INTO Shanae?   check out our analysis of episode 4 of Clayton's season... (Shanae's season?), Colin's accent work, and the continuing fallout of Shrimp-Gate

Shrimp... Is there really anything else on the menu? Episode 3 of Clayton's season is all about the tastiest fruits of the sea. God help us all. 

Who will be the blondest craziest villain of Clayton's season? Why is Hilary Duff hosting a child actor party? Is Cassidy going to make friends, or is she going to be America's Next Top Model? Is Cassidy a tragic hero with the fatal flaw of hubris? What kind of cocktails to they serve at "Shoes" and "Big Daddy's Antiques"? Is Elizabeth safe in the same house as Shanae? Do we need a grade school PSA about bullying people with ADHD? Is Shanae more crazy or more evil? Is one girl's friend-with-benefits another girl's boyfriend?  Episode 2 of Clayton's season .... a season for villains! 

Is this the first season of The Bachelor to segue into a new season of Sister Wives? Is Clayton's dad hosting the show? Did Salley audition to be on the show the same day her engagement fell through? Why was there a rose laying around in Clayton's hotel room? Has there ever been a Bachelor easier to manipulate than Clayton? Who writes these girls' intro bits? Who will be crowned craziest of the crazies? What will Washington eventually name their football team? Will Claire ever meet her dream mean man? Who ate those leftover chicken wings? Clayton's season of The Bachelor is off to a bugnuts crazy start with Episode 1 and Michelle and Colin are ready to talk smack.

Is there more to this episode after it cuts off? (No, the phone company called Colin back and Bridget texted Michelle to let Colin know so we cut it short) What have Michelle and Colin been up to instead of watching The Bachelorette? Is Clayton possibly Jesse Palmer's high school love child? What has Michelle's daughter been obsessed with lately? Are Michelle and Colin planning on doing a long personal preamble before every episode? (no we promise). Is the Bachelor-verse hopelessly contrived? Which of the contestants have crazy-eyes? What does "previously engaged" mean? How crazy is Meghan Markle? Is Lisa GIlroy ever going to get to host The Bachelorette? Could these women have lower standards for their future husbands?  PRE-GAME RAGER EPISODE!

How does Joe's ex-girlfriend showing up to win him back end up as a minor footnote on this episode? How many chains is too many for a white man? How little did Michelle learn at Catholic school? How long are Michelle and Colin going to talk about Aaron Carter and Bret Michaels? Has there ever been a more flagrant display of hubris than Brendan and Pieper? But also, has there ever been a more savage edit in the history of the show? Why didn't Brendan plead the Fifth with Natasha? How is it possible to hate Chris even more than we did before? Does anyone have sharper takes than Deandra? What rhyme or reason was there to the "VIP" guest list? How does Chris's behaviour turn out to be more egregious than Brendan's? Would it be more interesting if there were an interspecies body-swapping version of Paradise with Japanese macaques? Bachelor in Paradise 2021, episodes 6 + 7 Late post :'(

How does the cast of Paradise drink so much yet not get beer bellies? Did Connor really think he had a shot with Maurissa? Who the hell is Chris and what does he have to be cocky about? Why does the Bachelor-verse have so many first dates that are basically heavy petting masquerading as yoga? Why is everyone in such a hurry to get with Kenny? Can someone tell Natasha that she's wasting her time with Brendan? When is Riley going to get the chocolate cake he was promised? What happened to Tre's sense of humour? Does Karl pick up women with close-up magic? Where did Karl and Chasen find the terrible jewellry? Is Deandra lowkey the best person on the show? Kenny's a male stripper right? Bachelor in Paradise 2021, episodes 4 + 5 sorry for the late post!

Is Demi going to be able to deal with being a secondary character? How much imagination does it take to construe Brendan as a master manipulator? Are they just showing sex tapes on national TV now? Will the police recruit Demi for a 21 Jump Street scenario? Would an actual live grenade have been less disruptive rolling down those stairs than Thomas? Is Deandra the top choice for post-apocalypse team-up? Can someone please teach Connor how to kiss? How have we been living without Lance Bass in our lives for so long? Who is Victoria P.'s therapist? Are the Plastics going to bully Thomas right back up those stairs? Can Connor...just stop? Bachelor in Paradise 2021 episode 2 + 3!

Which of the men has had the biggest ego increase since their Bachelorette appearances? Is Kenny naked or is his bulge unsafe for TV? Is Bachelor in Paradise a workplace? Can we please take away Connor's instruments? Can David Spade be persuaded to host all things Bachelor in perpetuity? Which villains will rise to the top? Why are there actual old people sprinkled in with these women in their early twenties? Does anyone play the game better than Serena P.? Did Grocery Store Joe just come to Paradise to mope around the beach talking about his ex? Is anyone going to be desperate enough to kiss Karl?

[FINALE double episode with with special guests!] Is there enough hard drive space in the world to store all we have to say about Greg's Bachelor audition? Is Justin still on the show? (Not really) Has covid finally exhausted all of the producers' creativity? Is maple syrup good? Does it rain in New Jersey too? Did Greg invent the secret ultimatum? Does Katie have a German work ethic? Is Bachelor Nation losing their mind falling for Greg's puppydog face? Are the producers holding Katie's cat hostage? How are Michelle and Colin going to keep the show going if they have to talk about Greg for another season? Is Greg a better actor than writer? Has Aunt Lindsay ever killed anyone? Will Zozobra permanently replace the monsters in our nightmares?

How does The Bachelorette get away with re-using this much footage for a whole episode? Which of the men had the best Bachelor audition? Which conspiracy theory lies at the root of Michael A's abrupt departure? Does Colin have any concept of how audio recording works? Will Tayshia be the last host standing? Are we complete grinches that we don't like Michael A that much? Is Michelle's appreciation of Aaron justa bad-boy crush? Why did we have to watch Karl lie again apropos of nothing? Could it have been any more obvious that the woman who jumped onstage to kiss Conor was being paid? Will Conor please stop singing and work on his kissing instead? Can we possibly nominate Andrew S to be the next James Bond? Are we hurtling toward a complete meltdown before the finale? And what exactly is Katie doing in San Diego?

Was Brendan a Canada diversity hire? Also, who the hell is Brendan? Is Mike P. taking outfit consultations from The Lonely Island? Is a miniseries featuring the movies of Mike Myers in our future? Is Greg being held under duress? Is Katie dumb? Or are MIchelle and Colin insufferable stuck up assholes? How much is Michael A willing to use his kid to get more spotlight? What the hell was in Blake's painting? Was Andrew's exit a mercy killing? Or a teaser for his season as Bachelor? Is Blake's confidence just big dick energy? Is Brendan going to remembered for his forgetability? Is Colin allowed to laugh if Michael A trots out his son and gets him to perform for the camera? How many takes did they get of Michael P slowly walking away after being dumped? Who is sexier, Geeta the reiki lady or Jean the Cuddle Queen?

Is MSMMWT star guest Kate going to cause a schism in the Church of Blakeology? Is Blake a Jeffrey Toobin waiting to happen? Did Colin forget his mic cable at Michelle's house? (Yes) Is it sex positive to make a group of guys do "The Contest" episode of Seinfeld? Is it Tre or Troy? If Hunter is such a Bachelor Nation fan, why does he commit the cardinal sin of breaking the fourth wall? Is Franco just on salary with ABC? Is Katie oversharing on Justin trying to make his eyebrows pop? Who taught these goons how to throw shade? How much masturbation double entendre and imagery can they cram into one episode? Is Michael A.'s cheek kiss on Conor the real season highlight? How bad of a kisser is Conor? Join us to hear Kate and Michelle theorize and riff while Colin tries to come up with as many euphemisms for self-gratification as his English major can generate. Katie's season, Episode 6 is one of our favo(u)rites yet!

Is Colin ever going to get to go on a horseback riding date? Do the horses secretly resent us? Does Katie make people uncomfortable enough to really qualify as sex positive? Does Blake just think he's on a date? Does Hunter have any shame? How much brain damage does it take to prove you love someone? Is Greg the latest to fail astronaut training? Is Colin in LOVE with Amy Adams, or just a fan of her acting? Is Hunter's VC firm paying for him to stay on the show and get roses? Or are we living in a terrifying parallel universe where Hunter is attractive? Would Michelle rather go without music or sex for a year?

Is Katie the most severe bachelorette yet? Did Blake read a book about vibrators? Is this season just going to be a series of denunciations? Is Tre the latest contestant to fail astronaut training? Are the lunatics running the asylum? How do 90% of these guys not realize they're going home? Which Jim Carrey movie does this episode most resemble? Is Greg the secret villain? Are the new hosts tipping the scales and feeding Katie's paranoia? Is there a feminist message in here somewhere? How much of Colin's singing can Michelle tolerate? How much Hunter screen time can Michelle tolerate? Has Blake taken whatever potion Steve Urkel took to become Stefan Urkell? Is the true Bachelor-verse superpower not caring if you look like an idiot? Did anyone think it was possible to do a whole episode about how Thomas is being punished for saying what all the men are secretly thinking? Katie's season has arrived at episode 4! What happened to fun Katie? Ugh.

Was Karl's exit the most unceremonious ever? Was Katie going to the prom with Salazar Slytherin? How many of these grown men are going to get sent to the principal's office by Katie? How badly would Conor B. fail astronaut training? Are the men going to form a forensic unit to decipher the date cards? Is Thomas really as full of it as he seems? Is Colin's antipathy toward Aaron reflective of a deep personal trauma? Is Thomas's true transgression that he is being honest about why they're all really there? Why is Michael a dad while Hunter is just a guy with kids? Does a dead wife beat a dead dad? Which crab will the other crabs pull back down into the bucket this week? It's episode 3 of Katie's season of The Bachelorette and the producers are pulling the strings.

Is Karl a lousy enough villain to make us miss Victoria? Is the first group date the most humiliating ever? How do you make a living as a motivational speaker? Is Cosmopolitan a peer-reviewed journal? What is "erogenous doggy"? Is Katie the RA? Is Conor a ventriloquist but the puppet is offscreen? Is there anything sinister (or anything at all) going on behind Greg's glazed eyes? Will Michelle and Colin permanently fall out over the Aaron versus Cody dustup? Is "not here for the right reasons" the new equivalent of "witch" or "Communist"? How many five-year-olds can we find who are better liars than Karl? Is Colin's dislike of Aaron rooted in early trauma? Katie's season of The Bachelorette heats up with hometown feuds on Episode 2!

Is there any hope of Michelle and Colin remembering the names of any of Katie's beaus? Was there ever a man so little mourned as Chris Harrison? Who oversaw Katie's jean jacket fitting? Is Greg a glassy-eyed psycho or a harmless family man? Is Cat-guy Connor going to sink his claws in for the long run? Is it ever okay to photoshop a love interest into a photo with you? Who started the trend of men wearing flood pants and no socks with a suit? Does the real estate business exclusively attract corny douches? IS IT FOOTBALL OR FUTBALL? Will Colin be forced to watch Bridgerton? Who will be the biggest villain, Aaron or Christian? It's Episode 1 of Katie's season of The Bachelorette and no one is memorable!

Is Michelle skilled enough at sleuthing online to spoil the season for herself? What are the production interns who wrote the cast bios majoring in (hopefully not English)? How long has the sabre-toothed tiger been extinct? How many real estate investors does one season need? How much reassurance would Colin need in order to swim with sharks? How biased are Michelle and Colin in favour of the Canadian contestants? How many of the contestants are actually three kids in a trenchcoat? What is surgical skin? Do zippers need salesmen? Is there an annual quota of one Brandon and one Brendan? How many of men have a faovurite flower? Is there an imminent global shortage of soap? Are there any tolerable people out there who compare themselves to Jay-z or Beyonce? Michelle and Colin are losing their minds with excitement for Katie's season! Fill out your Bachelorette brackets and tune in this week.

Even on the final Plathville miniseries episode, will Colin spend five minutes talking about Kenny from Tayshia's season? Will Lydia ever meet her handsome prince? Who is the better social scientist between Michelle and Colin? How much did Ethan tip his massage therapist? Is there an acceptable way to jerk it in church? Did Kim see Olivia strangle a kitten or something? What is a "California liberal lifestyle"? Is the Plath household a totalitarian regime? Is this the end of the Plath family as we know it?

Is Colin experiencing Stockholm syndrome with the Plaths? Is Max an actor hired by the producers to date Moriah? Does Kim Plath allow Hallmark movies? Are the Plaths complete isolationists? Why did God destroy Sodom and Gomorrah? Is Colin's Ethan impression getting better or worse? How many presidents can Colin name in order? Is it appropriate to show your midriff in a courtroom?

Are Colin and Michelle just gonna talk about the Colton Underwood reveal and other Bachelor-verse news for the whole episode? Is Colin going to quit Twitter again? Does Matt James listen to his brother's music when he's romancing ladies? Are Micah and Moriah just living the movie Big? Is Barry Plath a perfect cipher? Where is the #FreeLydia gofundme? Does Ethan think that the navel is often involved in sex? What are the Plaths really afraid of out in the world? What is Lydia going to do when she has highlighted every passage in her bible? Is regional covid "mask culture" a thing? How does agriculture work? How much does Michelle know about municipal property standards? And the big question of the week: Does Joe Exotic still have an extra hole in his penis? This week's extremely vulgar episode is still about Welcome to Plathville (mostly?) covering Episode 3 & 4, broken up by tangents you could drive a truck through. Use headphones or send the kids to bed before listening. Enjoy this week's DOUBLE DROP to make up for the month we've been away

Is there no limit to how many blond people Kim Plath can gestate and birth? Does Micah also resemble a Ken doll under his bathing suit? Where is the line between "modeling" and "being photographed"? What is the line between "photograph" and "gay porn"? Does Michelle still play "Orphaned Teenagers" make-believe games with our other sister? What is the point of being an adult if you can't eat ice cream for dinner? Where is Kim really getting "screenshots" of Micah? Does Lydia have a boyfriend? (Are his initials "J.C."?) Are life skills overrated? Michelle made Colin jump in at Season 2 of Welcome to Plathville while we all wait for The Bachelorette to film, so here's the run-down on Episodes 1 & 2.

Is this the episode where Michelle and Colin figure out how to heal society's cultural divides? Is The Bachelor finally getting diversity and inclusion right? Why is watching Matt James's dark night of the soul such bad TV? Is anyone ever going to explain to the bachelor what marriage is? Is Matt's idea of "taking some time" just bro-ing out with the Diamond Guy? Are Katie's and Michelle's seasons going to be as amazing as Colin thinks? Will Michelle and Colin ever be able to convince listeners to watch Bachelor in Paradise Canada? Is Michelle going to sneak across the border for a back-alley vaccination? Matt James's season ends not with a bang, but with a whimper; but after the final rose, hope blooms... (pretty good right?) #JusticeForMichelle! *** Spam us! mysistermademewatchthis@gmail.com Twitter mob us! @mysistermademe_pod @colinlovesbirds Post ironic comments on our pictures! @mysistermademewatchthis Check out Matt's brother's soundcloud! https://soundcloud.com/johnthescorpio

Did Matt have sex with all three of them? What is a Pennsylvania Dutch spa? Why does Matt trust the vampires at ABC? Is Matt's dad ever going to take him to Chuck E. Cheese? Will there ever be #JusticeforBri? Is Matt just fuckboy... or is he a fuck man? Why are the last three Bachelor episodes of the season the most boringest? Who got the worst venereal disease from this episode? Is Dawn dish soap ever going to shell out for a sponsorship? Watch Matt James go dead behind the eyes for two out of three Fantasy Suites dates on season 25 episode 10 of The Bachelor and listen to Michelle & Colin try and talk about it. **** Cyberbully, cancel, and shame us: email ... mysistermademewatchthis@gmail.com Twitter ... @mysistermademe_pod @colinlovesbirds IG ... @mysistermademewatchthis

Can Michelle & Colin fill an hour just complaining? Is Serena P. the one who got away? Did the producers spend their whole budget on manure and have to resort to Fear Factor challenges? Did Heather Martin get erased from history like Trotsky? Which contestant had the most boring and annoying victim story? Which contestant is most desperate for screen time? What the hell was the deal with MJ's eyebrows? How far do you need to get with a woman before you pay for her trip to Dubai? Who is going to be the next Bachelorette? How many predictions can we make about Fantasy Suites from 45 seconds of footage? And what does Matt's beard mean??? The women tell all and return to face Matt James and his depression beard on this, episode 9 of season 25 of The Bachelor. ***** Spam us! mysistermademewatchthis@gmail.com Twitter mob us! @mysistermademe_pod @colinlovesbirds Post ironic comments on our pictures! @mysistermademewatchthis

Are heavyweight guests Kate and Bridget enough to rescue us from Nemacolin cabin fever? What does skydiving have to do with Rachael's hometown? Who would be the best replacement for Chris Harrison? Is Serena P. the alpha now? Will Matt move to Minnesota to be with Michelle? What does Matt's post-show beard mean? Is The Bachelor the harbinger for post-racial America? (probably not quite) How long was that poutine sitting out? Which contestant has the cutest parents? Can anyone unseat Rachael? Are they ever going to actually discuss the episode? Season 25 episode 8 of The Bachelor is supposed to be hometowns, but we didn't go anywhere. Matt James meets a bunch of families, says the exact same thing to all of them, and we are all still stuck in the house. ***** Email us! mysistermademewatchthis@gmail.com Tweet us! @kateleg @mysistermademe_pod @colinlovesbirds look at our instant grams @mysistermademewatchthis @beigebutfun @beigebuttfun

Who asked for Colin's opinions on American culture wars? Is Michelle's one-year-old daughter an incorrigible flirt? Is Matt on a killing spree this episode? Is Pieper going to get the help she needs? Is there a woman alive who could make tantric yoga look easier than Serena P. does? Is Kit a secret genius? Is Chris Harrison committing media harakiri? Is Matt too boring for TV? How could Kit possibly wait until age 25 to have kids? Is there a worse way to dump someone on the show than while fondling the rose you're not giving them? Season 25 (Matt James) Episode 7 of The Bachelor is the beginning of the end... Tune in next week for hometowns! (oof) **** check us out on Twitter (I guess) @mysistermademe_pod and @colinlovesbirds and instagram? maybe? @mysistermademewatchthis And let Colin know if you hate him and cancel him because he's not a sensitive wimp at all. BYEEEEEEEE

Once upon a time, Michelle Colin hosted a salon with some of the great minds of Bachelor Nation. Then Colin had a hard time editing it. Now, finally, we present you with the first part of the 2020 Bachelorette season finale episode. Who will emerge as the winner of Bachelorette "Fuck, Marry, Kill"? Who was most bored during the overlong finale? Did Ben just show back up because he couldn't get a flight out of Palm Springs? What theological conundrums did Tayshia and Ivan get into in that hot metal trailer? Seriously, when is Zac going to admit he lives in New Jersey? LOST EPISODE!!

This is a lost tape from deep in the vault! This is Episode 11 of The Bachelorette from last season that didn't get released at the time due to editing issues (the issue being that Colin is bad at it). Enjoy this extra content we have owed you for a while. How heavy was that fake taxi? Is this hometown week what it feels like being on the set of a movie with no budget? Or is this like taking a walk through someone's covid dream version of their hometown? What happens to Brendan when the carnival leaves town? Were the hometowns planned by Michelle at summer camps? Does Ben belong to a reality TV nepotism network? What do you have to do to get a man to cry on national television? Does Colin know a lot about prison? (no)

Was this episode made in two pieces and stitched together through magic of podcasting? Will Colin survive his "man cold" diagnosis? Is The Bachelor America's #1 prank show? Is Rachael going to marry Matt James only to be immediately cancelled? Who is this Tyler person? Was that carnival operated by a single light switch? When will we get to watch Katie find love? Was that a frickin bison? Season 25 episode 6 of The Bachelor deepens our love affair with the pointlessness of love...

Has Colin forgotten how to do the intro? Where did Jeeves go when he stopped being your internet butler? Does anyone on The Bachelor have boundaries? Why does Matt have to be the principal at Bachelor High? Does Victoria completely lack a theory of mind for other human beings? Are there worse things in life than being called a ho? Is Raleigh in the back-country of North Carolina? How much did they spend on manure in this episode? Season 25 Episode 5 of The Bachelor has inspired our longest episode yet. You're welcome.

Is Anna redeemable? How did Colin's roast duck turn out? When does backbiting become slander? Have we figured Matt out? Are beauty queens the perfect talent pool for The Bachelor? Is Katie the only one who realizes that her parents could be watching her on TV? Where did Victoria learn how to threaten people? Did we witness an actual real-life first date? What does the word toxic mean in 2021? Should The Bachelor institute a "no snitching" policy? Are they ever going to let Colin and Michelle run ABC? The Bachelor season 25 episode 4 has all this and more

Have any of these women ever had to compete for a man's attention? Is Matt James just a piece of set dressing that came to life one day? Are any of these women good writers? Is Chris Harrison just on the show to plug his book? Will any of the women heed Katie's pleas to keep it classy? How will Victoria adjust to being a background villain? Who are the Kenny and Blake of this season? We really only answer the last question. Season 25 Episode 3 is intense!

Who is Clare Crawley and why has she been on four of these programs? Who is Dale and why are we in love with him? How many times can we say La Quinta? How much fun did the crew of The Bachelor have filming roadrunners? How many of these "contestants" are paid extras?

What is Victoria talking about? Is there lost footage of Marylynn being unreasonable? Was Matt and Bri's quad flip a stunt or a near-death experience? Do fancy resorts have woodland hot tubs? What is Victoria talking about? Will Colin be able to remember what season we're on ever? Are the bags under Victoria's eyes a bigger medical emergency than Sarah's fainting spell? Do Katie and Anna have access to the mental health resources they desperately need? What is Victoria talking about? Season 25 (Matt James), episode 2 of The Bachelor is full of the crazy we've come to love!

Is Matt ready for the tsunami of crazy about to land on him? Are they going to give Victoria have a moustache to twist? Is "queen" an occupation? Is there any reason not to just walk around in bra and underwear? Has Matt James ever had a carb? How hard would it be to drink alcohol after an all-nighter? Has Anna ever had emotion that didn't show on her face? Season 25 (or is it 26?) episode 1 of The Bachelor is sure to bemuse and maybe inspire?

When the men tell all, why they always talk like they got something to say (but nothing comes out when they move their lips—just a bunch of gibberish)? Does Colin choose episode titles completely arbitrarily? Did we need another dosef of Yosef? Did Bennett-bot 4000 time his crying binges? Are Blake and the Reiki lady gonna hook up? Did this week REALLY need two episodes?

Is The Bachelorette produced by English majors? Is there a code the contestants use to avoid piercing the reality? Is Colin aware that the mic is picking up the ice cubes clinking in his highball? Does Bennett practice smiling in front of the mirror? Was this episode sponsored by electric scooters? What is the definition of a date? Have we narrowed Tayshia's turn-ons down to kisses and dark secrets? Which one is the sex idiot? How would you know that someone faked an orgasm with you? Is Jojo a licensed polygraph technician? Is Kenny's boy band's music on Itunes?

Could Colin pick any of the past Bachelorettes out of a line-up? Are we going to witness each of Tayshia's suitors reciting their AA stories? Did Bennett grow up buck-toothed? Which of the guys is the worst artist? Are haunted houses fun? Will anyone replace Kenny in Colin's heart? Seriously, how weird is Blake in bed? This episode has no answers.

Are all of Tayshia's friends people she met in the Bachelor-verse? Is this the episode of The Bachelorette where Michelle and Colin finally have feels? Is there anything more gross than bananas? Does Tayshia think men's orgasm sounds take a minute? What does drinking a scorpion have to do with love? Is Tayshia just going to choose the handsiest man? Do they have baby carrots and crackers during these six-hour cocktail parties? Is The Bachelorette just a prank show? Is Zac secretly interesting? Will they give Ed a spinoff? Could we possibly hate Noah more?

Are Michelle's vocal warm-ups paying off? Is Colin ever going to stop talking about his new blender? What IS a "grown-ass man"? Who is the most unlikeable in an episode full of unlikeable behaviour? Can we handle any more rose fakeouts? Are the producers hiding all the scenes with chemistry to mess with us? When is Chasen going to be gone? Is Kenny ever going to tell us what it's like to manage a boy band? Is Ed ever going to move his face? Is Noah getting instructions on how to be the worst from a hidden earpiece? IS there anything worse than a blond moustache? Are women just waiting for men to oil wrestle for their love? No promises that you'll get the answers, but we'll ask the questions.