Prime Cuts

Dan from Pod of Greed joins us to talk about two more helpings of good ol' G1 insanity. The Decepticons take over New York by building a city underneath it, and dismember Optimus in some highly confusing ways in order to help their dastardly plan along. Then, using extremely vague technology, Megatron turns a bunch of Autobots into huge jerks, and only the usage of different extremely vague technology can save them. Contained within this datatrack are discussions of the following; Reagan-era TV laws, sewer gators, skyscrapers with STDs, robogore, surgically applied lightsabers, questions about what Bluestreak's deal even is, and ill advised sound system technology. Noise Space | Discord

After a year of back to back viewings of the absolute dregs of this franchise, your intrepid hosts have finally returned to where it all began. The original Transformers cartoon came onto the scene with some big swings in season one, but season two is where the madness really starts. Events discussed within this data transmission include; Frankenstein, dubiously certified doctors, Wheeljack's many crimes, Gears exploring subspace, Huffer getting fired for HR violations, Cliffjumper's thirst for violence, and the amount of cocaine that was fueling the writer's room. Noise Space | Discord

After slogging through perhaps the worst stretch of televised Transformers media there is, your hosts are run ragged. After months of horrible animation, garbled voice acting, braindead plotting, baffling writing, and boring action, we require an extra long break to recover...but when we return, we will be bringing with us Peak Transformers, the ultimate television experience, a cavalcade of light and sound sure to bewilder the senses and tickle the mind. What is it you may ask? Well, maybe you should listen and find out... Noise Space | Discord

What if God was your dead wife? What if your boat learned how to be a man on the internet? What if your Dead God Wife forgave you for being a huge asshole after obliterating an evil future version of you who was an even bigger asshole? What if Cog was the most important guy in the world? What if you could make a big hole? What if you were smooth and purple? What if all of this is just a bad dream? That would be nice, wouldn't it? Noise Space | Discord

Okay so what if God was a cube, right? And then you threw God into space because you were a big huge idiot, and God fell onto a weird dirt planet and started making the Fade from Dragon Age. And then when you went to go find God because throwing God into space really fucked everything up, God was your wife, who is probably dead though you don't actually know, and your God-Wife started beating the shit out of you, but then died again. Would that be weird? I think that would be weird. Noise Space | Discord

Hhhhooooooooo boy where to begin with War For Cybertron Kingdom. Is it better than Earthrise? Absolutely. Is it better than Siege? Debatable. Is it good? Absolutely not. In just two episodes,, this show hits us with the most baffling vocal performances yet, a slew of new old characters to ruin, time travel, even more Airazor disrespect, character arc sparknotes so sloppy it gave us whiplash, and beast modes that somehow don't really look any better than they did in 1996. Also the most incredible IMDB synopsis ever put to screen, and a theory about Waspinator's place in the world. Noise Space | Discord

Transformers Earthrise stumbles and falls face first into an utterly deranged conclusion. Here are a list of actual things that happen in the final two episodes of Earthrise; Sky Lynx becomes Optimus Prime's spiritual guide, a JPEG of Unicron slurps Galvatron through reality, Cog turns into Solid Snake, The Decepticons invade the Ark and get beaten in less than a minute, Optimus asks Megatron to forgive him, Elita One (probably) dies along with every other Autobot on Cybertron, the Quintessons do absolutely nothing, Earth shows up very briefly, and Dinobot is in the stinger of the episode. Or for a more brief synopsis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGH!!!! Noise Space | Discord

Here are a list of things Transformers War For Cybertron Trilogy Earthrise Contains So Far: Terrible pacing, half baked rehashes of stuff from IDW, the worst Optimus Prime of all time, an utterly baffling usage of an iconic character which forms the core of the big toyline this show is meant to sell and made Mara extremely Mad, The Suck Off Machine, Quintessons But Not Really. Here are a list of things Transformers War For Cybertron Trilogy Earthrise Does Not Contain So Far: EARTH Noise Space | Discord

One of the hosts may have transed her gender between when we went on hiatus and now, but one fact remains the same; the War For Cybertron Trilogy is pure, uncut, premium grade suckage. Jetfire somehow seems to get worse with every word that comes out of his idiot mouth, Megatron is completely losing it, Optimus continues to be the worst leader of all time, and the show manages to completely waste Doubledealer AND the Quintessons in one fell swoop. Will Earth even be in this damn show to rise?? We don't know, but we DO know that we met the white Bumblebee, and soon you will too. Noise Space | Discord

THIS SHOW SUCKS!!! What is there to say other than that? Well. I guess we can apologize for the title. Sorry. See you all in a month!! Noise Space | Discord

Well...I guess these episodes were objectively better than the first two in terms of being a TV show, but they made us WAY madder. Even the surprise appearance of Ratchet and Impactor old man yaoi couldn't stop us from gnashing our teeth over this show's muddy plotting, flat and boring characterization, Jetfire's absolutely atrocious face turn, and Optimus Prime's...well, everything really. This guy SUCKS!!!!! Noise Space | Discord

You know what? It's 2025. Time we grew the fuck up! It's time to toss away our childish things, such as good lighting and fun character writing, and watch a show about REAL giant robot war. Thankfully Netflix has just the thing. This ain't your grandpappy's Transformers, kiddos! This is a big important WAR STORY that has discussion of TREATIES and WAR CRIMES in it! Will we tell you what the treaty entails, or what the war crimes are? NO!! Everyone sounds cool and badass and has absolutely no personality beyond "grizzled", just like REAL WAR! Optimus Prime is a gigantic fucking idiot...just like REAL WAR!!! So sit down, shut up, and get ready to LEARN!! Noise Space | Discord

We've finally made it out of the nightmare that was Transformers Energon. Due to various unplanned (and planned) breaks, this season felt like it went on for years. Was it worth it, in the end? Did we learn anything valuable about ourselves, or the franchise we love? Not really. I guess we learned that Kicker is actually an alright character. So join your hosts as they look back on half a year of absolute slop, and look forward to beginning 2025 with a different sort of slop. Don't cry because it's over, smile because THE JERKERRRRRR happened, okay? Noise Space | Discord

IT'S OVER!!! IT'S AAAAALLL OVER! Sometimes it felt like this show would never end, but thankfully all things reach an end. Surprisingly, the last two episodes are better than the show has been in like 20 episodes, which isn't saying much but at least it isn't soul crushing. That doesn't mean we aren't subjected to the usual Energon slop; people becoming huge, deeply confusing monologues, fights with no stakes, and Unicron Orbs. So join us for the last time as we sit down to get fed our weekly helping of gruel. Noise Space | Discord

Folks, the world is always getting worse in new and terrifying ways. It seems every day wee open our eyes to some new kind of fresh hell. But there is one comforting, reliable constant that we can trust to ground us in these trying times; this show blows fucking chunks. As Energon slowly drags itself towards the finish line by making everyone Huge and Ugly, killing off characters at random, developing bizarre new running gags 4 episodes before the end, and just generally being a complete and total waste of time. The good news is that it's almost over. The bad news is theres still two more episodes to watch. Noise Space | Discord

With only eight episodes to go, Transformers Energon manages to slide three of the most annoying characters in franchise history right under the radar. Thankfully they die VERY quickly, but that didn't make their presence any less irritating. Transformers Energon isn't so much racing to a conclusion as it is meandering towards a stoppage. This week we ride the Omega Train, observe sitcom shenanigans from the Decepticons, wonder why these stupid combiners are even here when none of them have done anything, and marvel at Galvatron's quipping skills. Only two weeks left, but somehow the worst is yet to come! Noise Space | Discord

After two glorious weeks away, your hosts are back to subject themselves to the inane nonsense of Transformers Energon, and this week it REALLY starts getting to them. Character arcs are being flattened in record time, episodes feel like a meandering fever dream, and something deeply concerning is going on with the Jones family. Even the utterly bizarre tournament episode jammed into the series can't drag the mood out of the gutter. The good news is there are only eight episodes of Energon remaining. The bad news is that there are somehow EIGHT EPISODES of Energon remaining. Help. Noise Space | Discord

Unicron explodes and there are still 14 episodes after that. Transformers Energon truly is the show that never ends, and this week it proves that it still has some terrible, nasty surprises for us. Ugly recolors, FOUR NEW CHARACTERS introduced with only a dozen episodes to go, Optimus Prime taking L after L, strange and garbled dialogue in both versions, Decepticon fart gas, and a Temu version of the final battle from Gurren Lagaan. Anyway, here's like a minute and a half of Optimus groaning and screaming, enjoy! Noise Space | Discord

For once we have a trio of episodes that are packed full of Things Happening, a rarity for Transformers Energon. Alpha Q fucking dies, Megatron gets head, Optimus sets himself on fire for no reason, Omega Supreme becomes Optimus' skinsuit, Shockblast becomes large, Shockblast dies badly, Optimus punches Ironhide in the face, everybody gets new colors, and Optimus becomes REALLY huge. Of course, just because things happened doesn't mean they weren't boring and stupid, but you can't win em all. Noise Space | Discord

Regardless of what version of the show one is watching, some pretty dramatic stuff happened last time. Which is why its incredible bizarre that the first of our two episodes today is mostly about a goofy race on a highway planet? We spend most of our time on that episode because frankly the other one we watched was duller than dirt. At least the race one has weird gags, car crashes, and Optimus acting like a complete fucking freak. Noise Space | Discord

While Audrey is off enjoying a birthday break from the drudgery of Transformers Energon, Nero is here to tell you about the lost episode of the show, and by 'lost' we mean 'they literally didn't dub this one for no discernible reason'. And that's pretty bad, because its a big episode for Scorponok, Ironhide, and Alpha Q, and its absence opens a minefield of plot holes that the dub never really bothers to fix. Noise Space | Discord

This week we wrap up yet another underwhelming and undercooked character arc, this time about Inferno's struggles with Decepticonification. The cast continues to balloon beyond their capacity to make any of the characters interesting or distinct, and that's when the dub can actually keep their names straight, but we sure to have a kooky old coot with hips that don't quit. The only morsel we have to hold on to during these dark times is the Scorponok and Alpha Q old man yaoi. Also, Audrey unleashes a powerful psychic attack on Nero by bringing up the ancient texts. Noise Space | Discord

This week a rift in space opened up and gave us a glimpse of another world; one where Transformers Energon had good, normal animation instead of the stiff and stunted style we have grown tragically used to. Why is it that the only time they break out the traditional animation is when a character is in extreme agony? Is it because that's how we feel given a glimpse of a better world? Why are we still getting flashbacks to fucking Padlock so long after his death? Why was there a fucking clip show that summarized the events of the episode immediately previous but talked about them as though years had passed? Will this torment ever end? Hopefully! Noise Space | Discord

After a few weeks of nothing happening, a few things actually happened in these episodes! Unicron gets his new gamer colors to sell his new toy to the kiddies, Shockblast develops Sudden Betrayal Syndrome, Optimus does some bits from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Unicron tears open a very large, very suggestive looking rip in space. Isn't it crazy that we aren't even halfway through this shit?? Noise Space | Discord

(Wing Dagger picks up Padlock's head): Alas, poor Padlock! I knew him, Hot Shot: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his alt mode a thousand times and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hangs that faceplate I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the cell block on a roar? Not one now, to mark your own dying badly? Quite chap-fallen. Now get thee to Primus' chamber and tell him, make a woman for the omnicons to become fixated on to make them mine better. Prithee, Hot Shot, tell me one thing? Hot Shot: What's that? Wing Dagger: Why is it that episode 23 is basically the same as episode 21? Hot Shot: Well, we gotta fill 51 episodes with SOMETHING! Noise Space | Discord

You know, perhaps your esteemed hosts were a bit too hard on Kicker; his father is a scientist with seemingly no moral limits who gleefully endangered his child to get some shiny rocks, his surrogate robot father is a cold and callous commander willing to let one of his soldiers fly into the heart of enemy territory with no backup, his partner is kind of a credulous dumbass who always manages to get himself into situations, and his girlfriend is mean to him. I'd be kinda testy too if I was him. Oh also these episodes have a lot of Lore but who cares about that? We need to talk about Shockwave's shithead cousin! Noise Space | Discord

We aren't even halfway through this show and the wheels have already fallen off. Characters are getting shoved into new bodies left and right, we've completely left any meaningful setting behind in favor of space adventures, and the dub has gotten so bad its barely coherent and only vaguely follows the visuals that happen on screen. But theres good news! We still have over 30 episodes left! Wait that's not good news at all... Noise Space | Discord

After an extended break, we're back to wallow in the misery of Transformers Energon. Though these episodes have a little bit more going on than the others we've covered, make no mistake; it WILL get worse. We discuss Misha's dubious archeological knowledge, continue to add to Dr. Jones' rap sheet, celebrate that Alpha Q finally has a face that doesn't have the most annoying voice in the world, and lose our minds just a little bit more. Noise Space | Discord

We, the Podcasting Court, enter the following charges against Doctor Brian Jones into the record; wildly reckless child endangerment (two counts), cringe fatherly behavior (15 counts), sexual harassment of a Government official (1 count), uncreative naming convention for Cybertron Cities (5 counts), absolutely dogshit haircut (ongoing(. We also have reason to believe that he is somehow responsible for the english dub leaving out the main source of conflict in the first episode we covered this week, but we cannot properly prove it. As a result, we are sentencing Doctor Brian Jones to 5 months in Megatron's Torture Nexus. Noise Space | Discord

Heyyyy, Megatron is back! And he doesn't look terrible! Does that mean these episodes of Energon were good, or even tolerable? No! Hot Shot nearly gets killed and takes a bath, we learn some racist Omnicon lore, Alpha Q drags Starscream's ghost out to sell more toys and kill Optimus Prime, Kicker continues to kick people, and we investigate the Transformers Energon AO3 tag. Now then, heres your complimentary Megatron Sword for listening to this episode. We've got loads of these things so we're just giving them away. Noise Space | Discord

Energon marches on!! Hey, you remember Megatron's Iconic Sword right? He was using that thing aaaall the tiiiime in Armada! God, so many memories. The dub was mostly normal this week but something really bad happened to episode 3 and they removed all the drama and character from it. Demolishor remains the only brave soul attempting to have a character arc amidst a sea of static. Kicker fell in a hole. We don't really understand how there's so much of this show but we're going ahead anyways, regardless of the consequences! Noise Space | Discord

The next few months of this podcast are going to be challenging for your hosts, as they plunge headfirst in what is widely regarded as the worst Transformers TV show that wasn't on machinima.com. A dreadful dub, deeply annoying characters, hideous animation, and nonsense plotting are conspiring to drive us mad. Will they succeed? Well considering this is only the first episode of Transformers Energon and we're already losing our minds by the end of this podcast, things don't bode well. #NotMyIronhide #TheJerkerrrr Noise Space | Discord

Earthspark has done a lot to impress both of your hosts, listeners. A cast made up of almost entirely new characters with a heavy human focus somehow ended up capturing our hearts. This episode is mostly us gushing about how good the show is, talking about The Undisputed Best Character (Twitch), the great character design, and of course answering some viewer questions. But something lurks on the horizon, something tedious and ugly, to steal away our happy fuzzy feelings. It's Nero's turn to pick, and they have chosen violence. Noise Space | Discord

Well, it's here. The grand finale of Earthspark, a show that manages to continually impress and surprise us to the end. This two parter has everything you want out of a big finale; excellent action sequences, fantastic character moments, surprisingly gruesome deaths, surprisingly gruesomer designs, and lighting our darkest hour. Now its time for the long, tortuous wait for season 2. Noise Space | Discord

As we approach the end of Earthspark lots of things are happening. Secrets are revealed, stakes are raised, and family bonds are tested, and new threats with absolutely awful names emerge. Ghoid. What is a Ghoid? Why are they called Ghoids? Are you into Ghoiding? Would you like to see my Ghoidcave? Wasn't it cool when the Ghoids Ghoided all over that guy? You up for getting Ghoided bro? Ghoid Ghoid Ghoid Ghoid Ghoid Ghoid Ghoid. Noise Space | Discord

Before you ask, no we DON'T know exactly what happened at the end of 'Prime Time'. We aren't entirely sure how much of that was real and how much of that wasn't, but one thing is for sure; Mandroid got his ass beat by a nine year old girl. Also we get to learn what its like when Starscream is nice, see how many seekers we can wrap up in gooey tentacles, be once again impressed by Hashtag's largeness, and question "Hey, what exactly is going on with Quintus Prime?? Is he evil?" Noise Space | Discord

You guys have been requesting this one for like almost two years at this point so it's time that we finally got around to this campy murderdoll in our nonlinear exploration of robots in film. M3gan is a clever and funny little horror movie which takes full advantage of its premise, as well as the talents of its lead performers. The prosthetics, voice work, and physical acting of the titular toy combine to make one hell of a good time. So crank up that Skatt Brothers record and break it down alongside M3gan as we recap and review the film! Noise Space | Discord

This week Optimus Prime reaches new heights of child endangerment, Jawbreaker learns that sometimes it feels good to go apeshit, and KEITH DAVID appears?! Sounds crazy, right? Well forget all that shit, the REAL important thing is that they included a genus of Dinosaur that's likely been invalidated, AND put its fossils in the wrong area!!!! Man, I hope somebody got FIRED for that blunder!! Noise Space | Discord

Ahhh, Da Big City. No tellin' what you'll experience if you spend a night there. Maybe you'll have a wonderful bonding experience with another queer person. Maybe you will experience a micro-agression. Maybe you will have to give your mentor a Stone Cold Stunner while a bird with a Southern accent mocks you, and then fight a dinosaur. One things for sure though, your physically imposing older sibling WILL be mind controlled by an increasingly unhinged maniac in a bid to rid the world of your kind, and will only be thwarted by some kind of insane space magic. These are just universal experiences, people. Noise Space | Discord

Technically this podcast covers two more episodes of Transformers Earthspark, "Bear Necessities" and "Warzone". We make lots of jokes about Annihilation (2018 film), speculate about why GHOST seems to be purposefully tainting wildlife with industrial waste, discuss Sexy Shockwave, and celebrate the return of Steve Blum as Starscream. Then about halfway through we stumbled upon one of the greatest fanwork ideas of all time and it sort of distracted us for the rest of the episode. Noise Space | Discord

Oh boy, here we go again. Tarantulus is back. I bet he's gonna be weird and gross and offputting and...oh? What's that? He's kind and complicated and genuinely concerned for Nightshade? Well, I guess anything can happen in Earthspark. Well, I'm sure Bumblebee has no deeper reason to risk breaking his cover just to do some silly races. Oh? He's trying to find his long lost friend from before the war separated by allegiances but connected by their love of daredevilry? Well golly gee. Well, at least we know one thing; Schloder is just some goofball GHOST agent, nothing else going on there...hm? Oh he's not that at all? Well hot damn, we got a show goin here. Noise Space | Discord

Last time on Earthspark three new babies joined the cast. Now it's time to figure out whats up with them! One of them loves movies and the internet, one of them is a nice boy with severe anxiety, and one of them is impossibly good at advanced engineering projects. We also get more clues about GHOST being completely FINE and NORMAL, Nightshade meets a cow, Hashtag makes a movie, and Jawbreaker talks to Elita One. This show is insanely good, by the way. Noise Space | Discord

OKAY, EARTHSPARK!! These two episodes are absolutely packed with incredible stuff, too much to fit into a measly description, so instead I will give you a list of out of context phrases which relate to some cool shit that happens in this episode; Fusion Cannon Piledriver, Goth Baddie Skywarp, Megatron Energy Shibari, Quintus Prime, Three New Guys, Toxic Plane Yuri, Mandroid Boss Fight, and AMAZING TWITCH MOMENTS. We talked about these episodes for over twice their runtime so thats how you KNOW its good. Noise Space | Discord

Earthspark continues to provide us with all time great incarnations of classic characters. Rowdy Southern Arcee? Yes please! Frenzy with blue hair and pronouns? Sign us up! Soundwave disillusioned and betrayed by Megatron's turn? Wowee!! And the kids go to SCHOOL?!?!?!? ...well okay that one isn't actually all that exciting. But they DO basically watch their adopted robot siblings die, so, you know...anyway, block this goddang overhead!! Noise Space | Discord | That cool Rumble fan design we talked about

What if you were like 2 weeks old or whatever and inadvertently scanned an Autobot scientist's drone as your alternate mode, and then you meet him in the woods while you're looking for a monster from Filipino folklore? What if you and your sister got into a fight so bad you accidentally stumble into a secret government blacksite and almost get murdered by a former war criminal's training program? What if you won the big gaming tournament but none of your family were around to celebrate with you because you had unwittingly isolated yourself from your own traditions? What if there was a guy named Schloder? Where is Mrs. Squiggles? Why isn't Alex Malto on the 76ers right now? We have answers to some of these questions for you, I guess. Noise Space | Discord

We learned a lot this week on Transformers Earthspark; baby cows are really cute, never take teaching advice from Megatron, Witwicky Pennsylvania has some robust rail infrastructure that is used entirely by shady secret organizations, rules are important, the chore chart is VERY important, never trust a guy named Swindle (we've heard this one before), and professional wrestling inspires bad behavior in young viewers. But the one thing we DIDN'T learn is who the hell taught Optimus about fakeout voicemail messages. Noise Space | Discord

New year, new show, same us. In a first for the podcast, we're covering a show that neither of the hosts have seen, Earthspark! We talk about the extremely strong first showing for this series with 'Secret Legacy'. Some great casting choices, cool designs, a fascinating setup for our characters, and the most engaging human cast we've ever had means we're pretty high on Earthspark so far. Also, damn these kids fall down hills a lot! They're gonna skin a knee! Noise Space | Discord

Animated Season 2 left us with a lot of questions. If Sari is a techno-organic hybrid, how come she caught a cold that one time? Why did the Constructicons not ever get a toy? How come Ratchet fucked up that bad? Why does Nero have such an atrocious Ronald Reagan impression? Will Hasbro ever answer for cancelling Animated Season 4? Is Slo-Mo single? At least some of these questions will be answered on this very podcast! Noise Space | Discord

Well, we've reached the end of TFA Season 2. Lots happens this week. Starscream flirts with his externalized girlboss aspect, Sari remakes Home Alone (complete with Joe Pesci), Ratchet reunites with his ex-boyfriend (a sentient weapon of mass destruction), Bulkhead's engineering skills are finally recognized, and shocking revelations about Sari's origin are teased in literally the last 30 seconds of the episode. But before we get into ANY of that Audrey tells Nero about the greatest comment ever left on a Transformers smutfic. Noise Space | Discord

ATTEN-SHUN! THIS WEEK WE ARE TALKING ABOUT EPISODES NINE AND TEN OF TRANSFORMERS ANIMATED SEASON TWO! THEY ARE CALLED 'AUTOBOOT CAMP' AND 'BLACK FRIDAY'! THE FOLLOWING EVENTS WILL BE DESCRIBED IN DETAIL BY YOUR HOSTS; BUMBLEBEE AND BULKHEAD MEET IN BOOT CAMP, BUMBLEBEE ACCIDENTALLY TORTURES SENTINEL PRIME, BUMBLEBEE GETS HIS LEGS RIPPED OFF, BUMBLEBEE IS TRICKED INTO FRAMING AN INNOCENT BOT FOR SPYING, GRIMLOCK HAS A BIG CRUSH ON A GOTH SPIDER, MELTDOWN OFFERS TO MURDER SOMEONE FOR SARI, SURPRISE SCIENCE BONDAGE, AND BUMBLEBEE FAILS THE SHUT UP CHALLENGE!! NOW DROP AND GIVE ME 20 TRANSFORM UPS YOU ROBO-MAGGOTS!! (Sorry about my audio this week, I fucked up my mic positioning and did my best to record it- Nero) Noise Space | Discord

As we hit the middle of Animated's second season we begin to get some pretty mid episodes, even if one of them has strangely good animation for no reason. However, that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of things to talk about. This week, Prowl gets caught up in a silly drug metaphor (where the representation of drugs is corpse bits that give you superpowers) while hunting down Starscream with Lockdown, only to find that there are several more Starscreams running around than there used to be. Then we collect all our various human supervillains into the Society of Ultimate Villainy, where they are instantly outshone by their extremely trustworthy ally Swindle. And now for a word from our sponsors! Noise Space | Discord