Completely Seriously

Folks, remember show and tell? Finding something cool–perhaps a neat rock, and old photo, a scar from your appendix surgery–and showing it to your classmates? This week we're starting something new. We're playing show and tell. The show? Fun cool things we found. The tell? Us taking these things Completely Seriously.

Folks, after a long hiatus we're back with a whole new game plan. That's right! Y'all spoke and we listened: we are now being Completely Seriously about romantic teen comedies. And this week, we're starting with the granddaddy of them all: Sixteen Candles.

This week, we're taking to the sea—the beautiful but treacherous waters of Pandora, that is. Avatar: The way of Water—a sequel 13 years in the making— finally answering the age-old question: can a movie be as long as the waters of Pandora are deep?

As an Academy Award Winner Brendan Fraser stan podcast, we want to bring you the latest and greatest of his work. To that end, this week we're unpacking his Academy Award winning performance in The Whale. So, come laugh with us, cry with us and emotionally infarct with us.

Quoth the Raven, “we're back!” That's right, folks, we uncask-of-amontillado'd ourselves to talk about Pale Blue Eye. This movie— the latest in a long tradition of putting Edgar Allan Poe in the middle of an all too real mystery— begs us to consider a world where literary icons drink themselves silly and solve some crimes.

We're back with what Joey calls a “podcast” with the first two episodes of Guillermo Del Toro's Cabinet of Curiosities. Join us on our dive into occult storage unit auctions and grave robbing rats.

Folks, as promised your lovable, hatable Lord of the Rings Lore Respecters are back with the final analysis of Amazon's Rings of Power. We laughed, we cried, we forged three magic rings for balance. Check it out.

Far over the misty mountains cold, to dungeons deep and caverns old, we set out to dip our toes into the deep lore of Middle Earth and fully dive into the first three episodes of Amazon's The Rings of Power.

Your sky warriors are back! Gambler, Shadow, Toots and Misty have taken to the skies, dropped the hard deck and performed two miracles to finally bring you our thoughts on #TopGunMaverick.

We're back in beautiful Sicily this week doing some sexy crimes. We're tackling the follow-up to 2020's most harrowingly sexy kidnapping drama 365 Dni: This Day. This one's got more sex, more spontenaity, more gangster games and no coherent plot.

We're going back in time to explore a central text for the Treviños. We cover the 2004 Korean classic A Moment to Remember. We're crying, we're reading letters dramatically, we're building dream homes that will never be dreamt and chasing the love of our lives through the haze of fading memories.

We're attempting the impossible this week. We're talking about everything. We're talking about everywhere. Often, we're talking about it all at once! We watched The Daniels' latest Everything Everywhere All At Once. This masterpiece is a true multiverse of family, martial arts, existential dread, cosmic bagels, long fingers, feet dexterity, raccoon chefs, rocks that may-or-may-not be alive, and life crushing tax obligations.

This week, we're breaking down the latest Ti West masterpiece X (2022). Join us for a high minded discussion of agriculture, pornography and the daily struggles of the elderly.

We've got a throwback this week as we dive into the 2010 Korean action classic Man from Nowhere and stumble over words like toddlers! Can YOU count all the mistakes?

Folks, we're BAAAAAck with a movie EWE will have to see to believe. We're talking 2021's Lamb and all the RAMifications of isolated livestock farming.

Y'all hear that “vroom vroom” sound? Guess who's back, back again. Leatherface is back, tell your friend…who's about to get cut up by a chainsaw. This week, we're tackling yet another horror classic sequel: Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022).

We're going back, back to Woodsboro, Woodsboro, chasing down a whole new set of teens. That's right, y'all, we're talking all about the long awaited, fifth installment of the iconic Scream franchise.

Forsooth, sweet Lumpy Dumpies! We're crossing oceans of salt water AND time this week, tackling The Tragedy of Macbeth. Denzel Washington, Frances McDormand and Joel Coen take a swipe at the crown with the latest cinematic whack at the bard.

We're bringing The Matrix Resurrections to the Red Table. Join us as we parce the inane from the insane in the long awaited quadequal Matrix Resurrections.

Let the “Festivies” begin! After a brief—well, not brief— hiatus, your favorite cultural analysts are back with a vengeance. We're doing Christmas right and chopping off big green boy's heads with A24's The Green Knight.

We have finally come to the end of the Disturbing Movie Iceberg with the big daddy of all upsetting movies A Serbian Film. Strap in for a disturbing dive into pornography, sexual violence and Balkan politics.

This week we continue with the upsetting with the not super upsetting Poughkeepsie Tapes. Take a theater kid, give him some weird sexual issues, a camcorder and an arsenal of costumes, and you've got a murderer on your hands.

We're trying to answer the unanswerable this week as we talk about the 2008 French phenomenon Martyrs. This movie will make you wince, think, doubt, question everything and distrust fans of Danny Darko. Take this journey with us and, remember, it's NEVER cool to martyr people. If you are, knock it off.

Grab your razr phones and your teddy bear, web your pals and join us as we dive into the 2011 low budget anti-internet PSA Megan is Missing. We get to the bottom of whether it's truly scary or just shock for shock's sake.    Note: Joey's views and opinions–– made in jest–– on Jason Momoa are his own, and they do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the other hosts.

This week we're diving into the Korean classic and American remake Oldboy (2003) and (2013). We get to the bottom of what makes this movie so upsetting and if the remake is as disturbing as the original.

We're setting off on a journey this week down the iceberg of most upsetting movies. We begin in the heavens with the torture porn classic Saw. We'll descend deeper and deeper under the water. We may come out on the other side fine and unaffected, we may be irrevocably changed.

Neither thunder or lightning or a bad, late stage Blade movie could keep us from covering the last of the Wesley Snipes Blade movies. Join us, the Nighstalkers, as we hunt down why this movie didn’t work.

We’re back by popular(ish) demand to break down Blade II. Are things going to go off the rails immediately? Yeah. Are we going to spend a lot of time talking about other movies? Of course! Does one of us consistently mispronounce the names of the characters? Without a doubt. So, grab your shades, hug your Whistlers tight and join us on the hunt for reapers. 

You’ve asked for it–– well, Joey asked for it–– and we’re delivering. We’re kicking off our three part series on the original daywalking, Naruto running, sword-swinging, sunglass wearing, vampire hunting Marvel hero Blade. We kick the trilogy off with the 1998 classic Blade.

As promised We’re tackling the much hated Gods of Egypt. If you’ve ever wondered if gods were tall or if Shrek was hot or if you could still use magic if you lost one eye or if you could pay your way to heaven with your breasts, this is the episode for you.

We made it through a southern snow storm to bring you the latest in just ok content. We’re deep diving into the latest teen tripe To All The Boys: Always and Forever.

It’s a bird! It’s a plane with a yak on board! No! It’s the three headed dragon emperor heading toward the Great Wall of China in this tedious, unnecessary third installment of The Mummy Franchise.

Like Imhotep, we have been pulled from the desert sands, have been melted out of our amber prisons and have sucked the organs and skin from some hapless brigands. We revisit Egypt this week to break down the 2001 classic The Mummy Returns.

This week, we’re discussing The Mummy (1999). Perhaps the most formative, historically accurate, sexuality awakening movie we’ve ever covered.

After a frank discussion of human bathroom indignities, we revisit our favorite episodes of 2020. We’re pulling the golden nuggets from the stinky mud pile that was this year, and flushing the rest into the obscurity of history.

Don’t you wish we would tackle the narrative mess that is Wonder Woman 1984? This week, we are! We ask the tough questions like what war was it? and why was Cheetah? and how does flying work? and is it a sex crime? and is that it?

This week, we’re wrapping up the Twilight Saga by staying true to the text and smooshing together Breaking Dawn parts 1 & 2. We talk about the problematic moments, who we’d FML and Marisa interrupts Joey—INCORRECTLY— and gets her comeuppance. Tune in.

This week, we’re covering the third movie in the Twilight Saga Eclipse. We laugh, we cry, we ask ourselves: “Why does this exist?”And we also talk about how amazing Patrick Swayze was, regardless of Marisa’s bad opinions.

This is round two of the Stephanie Meyers Extended Cinematic Universe. We’re calling on our gifts of determining relationships, pain illusion and enhanced self-preservation to cover the second part of the Twilight Saga New Moon.

Snuggle up with your stinky lab partner, put on your boobiest prom dress and whoosh through the trees with us as we fly back through time to tackle the worldwide vampire phenomenon Twilight.

Jagshemash! Our name a- Completely Seriously, and this we, we’re covering Borat 2: Subsequent MovieFilm. And much like the Borat that came before, we quickly get tired of it and talk about other things instead.

Neither the blackcoat–– nor his daughter–– could keep us from bringing you our ultra spooky #Halloween episode. So, settle in to your boiler room altar, grab your heads, answer the payphones because we’re covering The Blackcoat's Daughter.

This week, we’re following a deranged, handsome, expert mannequin refurbisher Elijah Wood as he stalks the Los Angeles night in the 2012 remake Maniac!

We’re bringing y’all a whole month of scary movies for our third annual fright film fest! First up is the Canadian cult classic werewolf movie Ginger Snaps.

This week, we’re swimming through a sky-high wave of beans to talk about our renewed love of Christopher Nolan’s Interstellar. Come for the space, stay for the beans. Goya Beans! They’re Beans!

This has the potential to be our hottest episode yet. What happens when an Italian mafioso kidnaps a Polish woman in order to fall in love with him after a year? Blowjobs, intricate paintings of strange women, multiple makeover montages, falling off a ship, crime, drone shots of boning, sexual extortion, and you get Netflix’s first erotic humpfest 365 Dni (Days).

This week we’re taking the opportunity to really dig into the tragic and momentous events and earth shifting changes happening around us. We’ll be back with the movies next week. Correction: In the episode, Joey mentions a woman with groceries who was shoved to the ground by police in Dallas. This was an accidental conflation of two separate events. The woman Joey describes was allegedly hit in the face with a rubber bullet.

We’re talking about the second part of #Beastars. Joe gets big mad about lions with guns and a hen’s unnecessary narrative. Jose and Marisa get mad at Joe and Mark for not liking an anime. Mark gets mad at high school drama. Come for the frank discussion of Coronavirus news, stay for the four dorks yelling at each other about anime.

We’re fighting the forces of the ‘rona to bring you the freshest, furriest anime Beastars. Imagine a world where both carnivore and herbivore alike can be awful high school theater kids.

Have you found a cartoon elf mom hot or not understood how pizza ordering works or wanted a daddy-brother or guessed at the length of a centaur’s “wizard staff”? Then we’ve got you freaks covered in this week’s episode on Pixar’s latest Onward.

In our opinion, nothing we say can prepare you for Netflix’s latest docuseries Tiger King. We’re currently obsessed with our imprisoned king Joe Exotic, and, after watching this documentary, you will be too. We dive into the wild saga of backwoods private zoos, missing husbands, Miami drug dealers, harems, murder-for-hire and dumb criminals. We guarantee you’ll never be the same, in our opinion.