Marriage Theraoke

Welcome to Theory Class 104 where Celeste breaks down the four different types of boundary issues discussed in the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. Meanwhile, Rich writes a song about it to help us all remember.

This is our second half of the great interview with therapist Kirk Voss (EmotionAlly podcast) on the topic of boundaries. Check out part one in episode 40!

Celeste and Rich have been explaining boundaries this month a lot like how they *make* boundaries in real life: doing their best, but could definitely use the help of an expert! Therapist Kirk Voss (of the EmotionAlly podcast) is on hand to talk more about boundaries. There is a discussion of the theory behind boundary setting, the emotion that can (but not necessarily should!) drive the way we make them, and practical applications of when and how boundaries should play a part in expressing your needs. This is part one of two of our interview with Kirk - don't miss the second half coming soon!

What do you want? What do you really, really want? Well, whatever it is you want (what you really, really want), articulating those needs is an important part of setting boundaries. This is a Good Ones episode - no song to fix this time, but Rich and Celeste bring two songs they thought demonstrated solid examples of good boundary settings: "Wannabe" by The Spice Girls, all about explaining needs and setting relationship ground rules, and "Just the Way You Are" by Billy Joel for showing acceptance, the other side of the same coin as boundaries. All this and more on this week's Marriage Theraoke.

Setting boundaries. Not only a good idea, but a GREAT idea for staying true to yourself, for helping navigate negative actions from your spouse. The problem: we tend to set boundaries as a reaction, out of anger, or to lay down an ultimatum. So how can boundaries help your relationship and how can they come from a place of personal integrity? We talk about Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It," Rich fixes it up and does some falsetto, all to address this first episode discussing the idea of setting boundaries.

Ah the blame game. So unproductive and yet so common. So much time wasted stuck in resentment. Yet, how do we get out of this trap? How to avoid the blame game all together? Well, that takes some inner work my friends! Getting to that magical mixture of acceptance AND boundaries. In this episode, we give some therapy to the song, "Your Fault" from the musical "Into the Woods. And Rich's re-write is seriously his best work yet!

We are so happy to welcome Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife back to the podcast! She is the perfect guest to bring on for our inner work month and today we are talking about how we deal with being dissatisfied in our marriages and how to CHOOSE our partner every day- and it doesn't look like how you think it will! I LOVED this conversation, I took notes the whole time and I think you will too!

Oh the issues we take with the song "Issues" ;) by Julia Michaels. "I've got issues, but you've got em too. Give yours all to me and I'll give mine to you." Uh-oh. Someone forgot to study relationship truth 101: it is not your partner's job to solve your personal issues and it is not your job to solve your partner's. This lesson is only forgotten every day in most relationships, so our friend Julia is in good company. Thankfully, Rich is here to make some much needed improvements to this song! Join us as we discuss the inner work necessary to forge a strong relationship.

Introducing our theme for the next 4 podcasts: Inner work! Celeste's favorite topic! This episode is another installment of our "good ones" series where instead of poo-pooing on love songs, we celebrate ones that give good advice and postulate on why. "I Love Me" by Meghan Trainor (Celeste's pick) and "Symphony" by Clean Bandit (Rich's pick) are given the honors today, and come to think of it, compliment each other very well.

Wrapping up our month-long theme on fun, we are talking about how to systemize fun in our individual lives, in our marriages and with our families. Celeste theorizes while Rich creates music and then performs his masterpiece at the end of the episode. And bonus! The Davis children each have a part in this episode talking about their favorite family fun activities!

How do we have fun as a couple when we don't agree on what is fun?? Enter learning to speak each other's fun language. What is a fun language? It's like love languages, but it's all about fun. We all have fun in different ways in different stages, the key is to keep the conversation with our spouse open and frequent. In this episode, we offer some therapy to the song "Santa Baby" (it could kinda use some, amiright?) and Rich makes a version that is MUCH improved!

Often when marriage problems rear their head, we think we have to be very serious about them. But much of the time, what we need is not more seriousness in our relationship, what we need is MORE FUN! Fun provides some BIG deposits in the emotional bank account of our relationships. In this episode, we talk about how fun looks different in every stage of marriage as we give therapy to the song, "We Are Young." 

Welcome to Season 2 of Marriage Theraoke! For this episode, we wanted to take you through some of our favorite episodes and moments from Season 1 (including interviews, songs and advice), making this episode a great introduction to first time listeners and fun walk down memory line for long-time listeners!

"Take me as I am, baby, or leave me." Can you change your partner? Can you even ask your partner to change? Marriage Theraoke goes Broadway with a song from Rent, "Take Me or Leave Me," discussing why Maureen and Joanne, the couple in the song are not modeling good self-confrontation, good listening to concerns, or good ways to have hard conversations. And who better to discuss a musical with a legitimate musical theater performer? Janessa Zech joins us to talk about changing your partner and does us one better by performing this week's song rewrite!

We may think that fear lies at the heart of many relationship problems, but Brene Brown teaches that all successful relationships have fear. What destroys relationships isn't fear, but the ARMOR we put on to try to protect ourselves from the fear. In today's episode we interview life coach Jaime Wilkins who talks about two common forms of armor: perfectionism and numbing our emotions. The song "Cold As Ice" by Foreigner talks all about numbing, so we give it some therapy. Rich makes it much better.

Class is in session again. It's Theory Class 102, where Celeste builds off of Theory Class 101 (Episode 24) in describing foundational aspects of solid relationships. Today it's managing (and often letting go of) your expectations. Rich is taking notes and, live during the episode, writes lyrics to an original love song with a country twang, ('Grow Together'). Enjoy!

Two firsts in Marriage Theraoke history today: 1. We tackling children (the topic, not actual children) and 2. We are tackling country music! First up, children. Ideally, there would never be any conflict between our children and our marriage and everyone would get along in blissful harmony. In reality, our children CAN and often do put a wedge in our marriages. Either by prioritizing them above our marriage, disagreeing about parenting or just plain busyness and exhaustion. Today we are talking about all those things with our guest Becky Squire! And you better believe Rich harnesses his inner cowboy for the karaoke remake of this one! 

Someone once asked renowned marriage expert Dr. John Gottman what was one thing they could do RIGHT NOW that would have the biggest impact on their marriage. His answer? Honor your partner's dreams. First we have to know what those are, then honor them. Today we are thrilled to talk with marriage therapist and Gottman expert Laura Heck, who walks us through the good, better, best of honoring our partner's dreams. And Rich's re-make of The Greatest Showman's A Million Dreams legitimately made Celeste cry.

Switching things up on the podcast this week. Welcome to Theory Class 101, where Celeste explains her theory on five aspects of the very FOUNDATION of any solid relationship. Rich, then, taking copious notes writes an original improvised love song during the course of the podcast and performs it at the end with his ukelele. Talent and good times abound. 

Isn't it a good thing to think highly of your partner? To praise and cherish them? Yes of course it is. Unless by putting them up on a pedestal, you are putting yourself down in comparison. We discuss the dangers of hierarchy and pedestal placement as we offer some therapy to the song "She's So High" by Tal Bachman today. And you know that Rich's high falsetto is coming out full force in his karaoke re-make, which is lovely.

Last week we talked about confronting our own weaknesses and imperfections. But what about those weaknesses and imperfections that we don't even know exist? Our own blind spots? How do we confront those? Enter shadow work. Jana Spangler is going to expertly walk us through some clues we have into the parts of ourselves we're not always aware of that are holding us and our marriages back. We're giving some therapy to the song "Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears as a jumping off point for our conversation. And guaranteed Rich's acapella remake will both impress you and delight you. It did for me.

What is the most important quality in a spouse? What were some of the qualities you were looking for in a partner when you were dating? Most of us were looking for someone who was attractive, smart, kind, funny. These are great qualities, but what is the MOST important? We are making the argument that the most important quality in a spouse is the ability to self-confront. Why? What does that look like? We are going to talk about that as we give some therapy to the song "Hold the Line" by Toto. Rich is going to make an important addition to Toto's classic list of what love is. Enjoy!

Rich and Celeste take another break from poo-pooing love songs to celebrate ones that do it right! It's The Good Ones Part 4. Rich talks about the importance of being present in the moment and taking a little time to stop and appreciate things as we listen to "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton. Celeste breaks out the Brene Brown buzzer again by talking about braving the wilderness in your relationship as we listen to "One Foot" by Walk the Moon. 

Every aspect of marriage has a high desire partner and a low desire partner. Whether it is how clean the house is, how strict the budget is or how often you have sex. This Valentine's week, we are focusing on the high desire partner in a sexual relationship. This can be a tricky position to be in because you can feel very stuck. Thankfully, we have an expert on the show, Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife navigate the Dos and Don'ts of being the high desire partner. We offer some therapy to the song "I Want You to Want Me." As always, Rich's re-make vastly improves upon the original.

Do you ever find yourself reacting to your partner in a moment of strong emotion? Obviously, yes - this happens to all of us. But you may not know that, in situations like that, you may find yourself unwittingly in the middle of Karpman's Drama Triangle! What is that you ask? It's a way of looking at negative roles we can embody during strong, negative interactions ("drama"). The Drama Triangle roles include being The Victim ("You/Everyone is doing this to me!") The Persecutor ("Oh yeah? %*@#@ you!!") or The Rescuer ("Let me fix you, because it'll make ME feel better!"). Tammy Jones (licensed marriage and family therapist) and Debbie Reid (licensed clinical social worker) help explain how we fall into The Drama Triangle and, more importantly, how we get out! Rich and Celeste discuss and (appropriately) fix Coldplay's song "Fix You" and Rich does his darndest to sing it in a falsetto singing voice! 

This is part two of episode 17, where we continue on with our conversation with Tony Overbay about narcissism. Tony even gives Celeste a little therapy. Enjoy!

While everyone's spouse is selfish from time to time, it can be a whole different ballgame to be married to someone with a narcissistic personality disorder. Clinical narcissism is characterized by a preoccupation with self, sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, inability to confront faults, need for admiration, and objectifying others. What to do if this describes your spouse? I have no idea, but thankfully Tony Overbay does. As an LMFT, he walks us through the dos and don'ts of being married to a narcissist. Meanwhile, Rich and Celeste offer some therapy to the song "You're So Vain" and Rich's re-written version includes a narcissist walking into a therapist's office.

"Baby, It's a brand new day." So sings Max Frost in his song, "Good Morning." And so tells Celeste to herself everyday. The important thing to remember about new year's resolutions is that when you mess up, every day is a new day. You have the potential to start over everyday. On your goals and in your relationship. In today's episode we highlight good goal advice in the songs "Good Morning" and "You Gotta Be" as Rich and Celeste dish out their best advice for keeping up with goals.

Whether it's ruminating on past relationships or romanticizing the past of your current relationship, it can be difficult to let go of the past. Yet, if we are to fully enjoy and appreciate our present relationship as it is right now, letting go is a necessary action. In this Christmas episode, we offer some therapy to the song "Last Christmas" by Wham. This poor guy seems awful hung up on his past relationship, despite have found "real love" in the present. Don't worry, we marriage theraoked him right up, and Rich's song re-write is sure to make your Christmas merrier (and healthier).

The idea that your partner can be the remedy to your pain is so alluring and very common. But who is responsible for your pain? Who is responsible for your partner's pain? Today, we explore those questions as we give some therapy to the song, "Remedy" by Adele. We call on the expert Rachel Neilson (host of the 3 in 30 podcast), who gives some excellent advice of what to do when your partner is in pain without taking on the responsibility to carry their pain. Rich channels his inner Adele in his karaoke re-make called "I can't be your remedy." Catchy, no?

"Baby, I'ts Cold Outside" has been our most requested song to give therapy to. While there were many different topics we could have discussed, we stuck with listening to each other's concerns. What do do when we think our partner's concerns are silly or not valid? How do we show respect for our partner even when we disagree with their concerns? We are deep diving into how to have conversations based on understanding instead of agreement. And, the re-make of this song becomes MUCH healthier (and bonus! Celeste is debuting her singing voice!)

Kyle and Allie Spinder are one of the top ballroom dance couples in the US in the American Smooth division. They are also married. Working together professionally with your spouse can easily breed contention. Kyle and Allie are here to teach us how to work together with love, patience and resilience. We're giving some therapy to the song "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon, and Rich re-writes the song to be a less contentious version for a couple who dances together as a living. 

Instead of critiquing and improving love songs this week, we're applauding them! Well, two specifically. Rich talks about faithfulness as he praises the song "Faithfulness" by Journey. Celeste discusses priorities (spoiler alert: she's gonna say your relationship should be one) with the song "85" by Andy Grammer. If you feel like your relationship could use a little boost, this episode will be perfect to give you some ideas and motivation.

Do you have an over-bearing mother-in-law? A demanding father-in-law? How do you work it out? We are talking all about how to gracefully work through problems with in-laws on today's episode as we offer some therapy to the song, "Rude" by Magic, who has some pretty serious father-in-law issues. Rich's re-written lyrics include a mother-in-law showing up to clean the house and is not to be missed!

"If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad." So sings Sheryl Crow in her hit "If It Makes You Happy," but actually there are quite a few things that make us happy that are bad for us (Oreos make me really happy). Today, we are talking about the benefits and perils of chasing happiness as we give some therapy to Ms. Crow's song. We're thrilled to have life coach Amanda Louder as our guest today to guide us through how to be happy without having unrealistic expectations of being happy all the time.

The song, "Every Breath You Take" by The Police was a classic romantic slow song to dance to at every middle school and high school dance I attended, but when you actually listen to the lyrics, you realize, it's kind of creepy. This guy has some serious trust issues, which is why the topic of this week's episode is trust! We are getting a lesson on Trust 101 from marriage therapist Aimee Heffernan - how to build it, how to re-build it when it's been broken and how to keep it strong. As always, Rich's karaoke version greatly improves upon the original lyrics!

Being a jerkface in your marriage is a clear no-no, but how about being overly accommodating? Slightly less so, however, if done with regularity, consistent over accommodation becomes a problem. This week, we give therapy to the song "Back for Good" by Take That as we discuss the "I'll do anything for you" mentality. As always, Rich sings his version of this song into more healthy waters. 

Not all love songs give bad love advice! In this week's episode, Rich and Celeste both bring love songs with excellent love advice to the couch. Celeste hails "Stand by You" by Rachel Platten as she discusses the importance of empathy and how to have more of it in your marriage. While Rich applauds "You're My Best Friend" by Queen as he discusses friendship. 

How do you bring up hard conversations with your spouse? Rich and Celeste are going to gently (maybe not so gently) persuade you to schedule a regular time and safe space to hold these conversations by holding a weekly marriage check in as they give therapy to the song "Say Something" by A Great Big World. Rich re-writes the song (and encourages every couple to "say something") and performs it in his own karaoke version. Big thanks to our guests, Shelly and Jershon Lopez, who share their experience with holding their own weekly marriage check in.

What to do when your partner has a bad day? Take it personally? Take responsibility for it? Cry in the fetal position? We're discussing dos and don'ts of handling your partner's bad days in this episode as we give some therapy to Daniel Powter's hit song "Bad Day." As always, Rich is going to sing our re-written emotionally healthy version of the song at the end!

Relationships always involve disagreement, but does love always have to be a fight? Today we discuss Pat Benatar's hit "Love is a Battlefield." We give some therapy to the song and discuss tips on how to prepare to have hard conversations with your partner. We also interview and get conflict resolution tips from Nate Bagely, the creator of the long-running podcast Loveumentary. And, as always, Rich sings a more emotionally healthy version of the song. Don't miss it!

Is a relationship possible if you have nothing in common? That's the problem in the song "Breakfast at Tiffany's." In this pilot episode of Marriage Theraoke, Celeste and Rich discuss research by John Gottman, the importance of focusing on what you have in common, and never get around to discussing if we both kinda liked the movie.