The Quibbler: A Harry Potter Book Club

A lot of important things happen in this chapter, but also, Minerva McGonagall leads a flock of Hogwarts desk into battle. Awesome. This week, The Golden Trio stick to a plan; LoVo should fire his advance team; Draco's mommy wuvs him; and we bid goodnight, sweet(?) Half-Blood Prince. Plus: actual, Hagrid-style weeping about Hagrid. This time: The Elder Wand Next time: The Prince's Tale

Fred Weasley was dead, to begin with. Sorry, we just had to remind you exactly what you're getting into with this episode. But don't worry! There's also hellfire! And murder! And toxic workplaces! And snogging! And impossible moral conundrums! And bitchy ghosts! And PUNS ON PUNS ON PUNS! And a very limited amount of singing. This time: The Battle of Hogwarts Next time: The Elder Wand

Five years, 100 episodes, every single conceivable permutation of the f-word, and a 45-minute summary of a pretty throwaway chapter. Welcome back, witches! Sorry we wrote that. Anyway, this week, some classic Rowling quirks rear their fat pig heads, including ugly villains, reactionary teens, brutal foreshadowing of fractured families, and cool hidden Hogwarts tricks. Harry also does a torture. Plus: We … sing? A lot? This time: The Sacking of Severus Snape Next time: The Battle of Hogwarts

Can we get away with not acknowledging that this is our first episode since February? No, huh? Don't worry, there's an explanation at the beginning, but mostly this is just a long, unhinged summary with digressions into wizard bathroom habits (thanks, Twitter) and interruptions from a puppy. Neville has some battle scars; Harry learns to accept help; Aberforth makes a mean ploughman's lunch; and the Snape Discourse gets ever-more maddening. This time: The Lost Diadem Next time: The Sacking of Severus Snape

Pretty annoying to meet the best character in the final act of the final book, but that's the hand we're dealt with G.O.A.T. Aberforth Dumbledore. This week: Ron's hunger makes him stupid(er), we miss dive bars immensely, and a terrible family saga finally sees the light of day. Plus: aspersions of goat … uh … loving. It takes all sorts. This week: The Missing Mirror Next week: The Lost Diadem

And to all a good night! This is just us reading aloud to you and cracking wise. Plus an alarming amount of doctrinal history. Because you know you've always wanted to hear us talk about Trinitarians versus the Arian Heresy.

Ever wonder what it sounds like when someone who has basically never danced "summarizes" a ballet? Wonder no more, because this week we watched the New York City Ballet's streaming production of The Nutcracker! So naturally we talk about ghosts, illicit sexual desire, the problematic ideals of "multiculturalism" in America, and Alex uses the phrase "wild with grief." But also we talk outfits, don't worry. Merry Christmas Eve!

This one's a bit delayed, as it was something of an emotional gauntlet to edit (you'll hear why in the latter half. Be warned.) We watched the stop-motion Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer TV special and A Charlie Brown Christmas, and we loved one and hated the other. Betcha can't guess which! It does get real toward the end, and we dedicate this episode to everyone spending this season grieving someone beloved. Next time (sometime) will be a little bit… nuttier. ;)

Spend this very strange holiday season with us, quibbling about the Christmas classics that make us merry and/or cause us to cringe. First up, the ultimate tale of holiday alienation and a master class in Committing to the Bit: The Grinch! Yuletide supervillain or just a guy sick of noise and Amazon packages? We'll be dropping more holiday goodies throughout the rest of the month, so stay tuned! xoxo

This is an 80 minute episode about a 17 minute chapter. The summary is twice the length of the chapter itself. You. Are. Welcome! This week: Heather tells an unfollowable anecdote about animal actors; Alex and Heather both mangle explanations of the social and physical sciences; Alex and Heather ALSO talk about their dreams, for some reason; also there's a Harry Potter chapter with a dragon and maybe some murders, we think? It's a lot. Plus: The Easter egg took us an entire evening to make. Please like it. This week's chapter: The Final Hiding Place Next week's chapter: The Missing Mirror

A truly vintage episode in which we actually just quibble for an hour. For example: Do wizards think banks and mines are the same thing? Has Ron seen Borat? If goblins have this extremely handy Thief's Downfall thing for detecting bank robbers, why not put it … at … the entrance? Is Hermione just totally asleep at the wheel here or does she actually think this broke-ass Ocean's Four nonsense will succeed? Why does Griphook open doors so weird? Do they murder Travers? This week chapter: Gringotts Next week's chapter: The Final Hiding Place

It's the spookiest Halloween in a long, long, long time, so we're rewarding (?) you all with a long, long, LONG final episode of The Nibbler. Seriously this thing is gargantuan. What did we even talk about? Dust motes? Child brides? Eternal sleeplessness? Accidentally becoming full, un-ironic fans of this series despite the fact that it barely qualifies as having a plot? ALL OF IT AND MORE. Plus: Freaked out forgers, vampire fat acceptance, unqualified obstetricians, and more, more more. This week: Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Next week: Gringotts

The One Where We Alienate Most of our Remaining Listeners Who Still Like Harry Potter. Kidding-ish, but this is the first one recorded post-Rowling screed(s), so yeah, we get into it a bit. Also, some of Bill's best friends are goblins, heterosexual marriage cures Lupin of … being old and tired? and Ron makes every bad-faith devil's advocate argument you could ever hope to find on Reddit. And we learn about art history a little bit! This week's chapter: Shell Cottage Next week's chapter: Gringott's

We very irrationally still call these "minis," but at any rate, let's ease back into the Potterverse by discussing the surprisingly fun—considering all the death, despair, camping, etc.—first installment of the Deathly Hallows films! This week, the Grangers are definitely about a month from being charged with murdering their daughter; two Death Eaters go deep undercover in coveralls; Ron has bad-news snowblindness; Lucius loses his very cool and manly wand-holder thingie; and Dobby Voice ruins Dobby. Plus: A really ill-advised wedding! This week: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 Next week: Shell Cottage

OK, so we're (still) doing this. We recorded before a lot of real-world shit went down, which is just the way of things these days, but we still managed to talk about Ibram X. Kendi and class warfare. Very on-brand. Also this week, Ron eulogizes poorly; Fleur-ence Nightingale nurses an enormous number of people back to health; Griphook expresses correct and healthy skepticism of so-called "ally" wizards; and Greg uses the elder wand for SEO. Damn it, Greg. Plus: Grief. This week's chapter: The Wandmaker Next Week: Movie Mini for Deathly Hallows Pt. 1

As promised, and because you gorgeous people raised THOUSANDS of dollars in the last 2 weeks for bail funds, criminal justice reform, affordable legal services, community health organizations, local and national Black Lives Matter affiliates, and more, here are all the summaries of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, spliced together. Here's what we learned: 1) WOW the early audio was bad; how did anyone get through this? 2) We used to do these way faster, and with remarkably few line-by-line dialogue recreations. 3) Buh-buh-buh motherf*ing was a Book 2 innovation.

In which we finally and totally dispense with the notion that these are chapter "summaries." So much Manor action, so little time! This week, Fenrir stirs up some stereotypes, Bellatrix has a "cool girl villain" accessory, Death Eater Nation is essentially a failed state, Scabbers finally snuffs it, and Dobby dies with his socks on. Plus: Draco Malfoy, Meme Lord. This week's chapter: Malfor Manor Next week's chapter: The Wandmaker

Happy Teacher Appreciation Week! Let's talk teachers. Why are the best lessons in the entire series taught by a supervillain? Why does Hagrid get to just like, introduce monsters and see what happens? Why doesn't everyone have to take arithmency, which seems like wizard math? Be honest, is astronomy really astrology, and if so, can I sign up? How does Ron know how to write his name? Why isn't there art class? Who in god's name put Albus Dumbledore in charge? Is anyone reviewing these lesson plans? Plus: Our favorite teachers, IRL. This episode is dedicated to the memory of the inimitable and unforgettable Paul Lowes. Rest peacefully, pal.

This episode is a lot of us patting ourselves on the back about how good podcasts are. Not ours, necessarily; mostly Lee Jordan's. We would for sure listen to his podcast. This week, Hermione gets an iota of the credit she's due; Harry has hallows mania; Remus has an extremely underwhelming alias; Ron sort of agrees with everyone; and Alex lectures us on strong passwords. Plus: Very little talk about the Virus that Must Not be Named. This week's chapter: The Deathly Hallows Next week's chapter: Malfoy Manor

Podcasting in the time of pestilence … hope you're all hanging in there and prepared to use some of your potentially ample alone time to TALK ABOUT DEATH. Sorry, the timing of this one is weird, but yeah, it's a lot about death. And what shoes Death might wear. And what pants. And impossible moral choices in times of crisis. And the need to believe in something. And Patrick Stewart, a bit. Plus: Does Hermione actually believe in magic? This week's chapter: The Tale of the Three Brothers Next week's chapter: The Deathly Hallows

If a crumple-horn snorcack appears in the first act … well, you know the drill. This week, Potter Productivity becomes a thing; so does #Rontent; Hermione reads in bed and that's an actual scene in this book, like a whole page of that; Xenophilius gets his Infowars on; and we wonder whether J. K. believes that all writers are trash. Plus: An easter egg that took forever. This week's chapter: Xenophilius Lovegood Next week's chapter: The Tale of the Three Brothers

Ron is back! Hurray, we guess? Nah, it's good to have him around for rage fodder if nothing else. This week: Harry has learned nothing from Snake Corpse; nobody knows what Stan Shunpike looks like; Ron, admittedly, performs an act of daring and heroism, and gets a taste of what Harry's full entire life consists of; Hermione resembles Galadriel; and we get two thin, small-featured blonde actresses hilariously confused. Plus: a candle no one asked for. This week's chapter: The Silver Doe Next week's chapter: Xenophilius Lovegood

Skip to 37:00 if you don't want to listen to us talk about being social justice warriors. Seriously, don't say we didn't warn you. This week, the tweet heard 'round the world, Harry's boulevard of broken nonsense Dumbledore gave him, the vagaries and idiocies of youth, but also the wonderful intensity of being a 17-year-old, and another mystifying character age discrepency. Plus: Heather says both the words "aunt" and "Grindlewald" differently in every sentence. This week's chapter: The Life & Lies of Albus Dumbledore Next week's chapter: The Silver Doe

We barely scratched the surface of this shining paragon of filmmaking (The Muppet Christmas Carol), but here's a little holiday treat that has little to do with Harry Potter. Don't worry, though—we do sort the Muppets. Plus, the joys of strange background puppets, Michael Caine's virtuostic chemistry with his felt fellow performers, Beaker giving Scrooge that teensy red scarf, and a moment of appreciation for the best cinematic band, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Happy whatever it is you're doing this week!

In a book full of horrors, we have come to the most horrifying of them all: Snake Corpse. Like Cat Wife, but well, the {Jean Ralphio voice} wooooorst. This week, a snake lives inside a corpse. That's it. That's what happens. Also we have a truly deranged and off-topic debate that will probably become a question that claws at you in the dead of night for years to come. You'll see. Plus: No, really, it's just a snake corpse. This week's chapter: Bathilda's Secret Next week's chapter: The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore

We have reached the nadir of Ron Weasley, and Heather is, naturally, in fine form. This week, Harry learns to fish; Hermione reads The Feminine Mystique; Griphook bristles; Dirk Cresswell is kind of a dick; the Potters are dead, to begin with; and Ron is definitely, definitely the worst. Plus: #mealplanning #keto #eatclean #elementaltransfiguration This week's chapters: The Goblin's Revenge & Godric's Hollow Next week's chapters: Bathilda's Secret & The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore

It's Halloween, and there's truly nothing more chilling than the depths of Bella Swan's myopic self-involvement. Except maybe whatever it is that Edward's vampire effluvium has implanted in her womb. This week, the summary is almost an hour long; Edward breaks the bed; Bella has some pretty messed up pregnancy cravings; the werewolves have a schism; Seth Clearwater eats and Leah Clearwater stews; and then it gets even bloodier than usual. Plus: We continue to wish these books only featured the three dads. This week: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Books 1 and 2 Next week: Back to Deathly Hallows!

Stunning spell first, figure out the plan later—that is Harry's eternal M.O., and it serves him not-so-well in this hairbrained sprint through the Ministry of Magic. Luckily, Hermione packed. This week, Harry leads a prison break; Ron has a two-Spidermen-pointing situation; Umbridge makes some interesting décor choices; and Greg gets wrecked. Plus: Wakanda … forever? This week's chapters: The Muggle-Born Registration Commission & The Thief Next week's chapters: The Goblin's Revenge & Godric's Hollow

It turns out silent coups and rampant anti-muggle born bigotry are not that funny! Sorry about that. This week, the return of French onion soup; a lot of questions about grocery shopping; a nasty confrontation with a beloved father figure; the true villain of the entire series comes to light; and we talk about politics for way, way longer than you want us to. We can't help it. Plus: Raise a glass to Rufus Scrimgeour. This week's chapters: The Bribe & Magic is Might Next week's chapters: The Muggle-born Registration Commission & The Thief

Things fall apart, fast and unsurprisingly, at the Weasley/Delacour wedding. But hey, at least Hermione's prepared (of course she is). This week, the trio pull a Viggo Mortensen (and Heather misses the reference); Mad Eye kills it with the Halloween decor but phones it in with actual defensive spells; Harry reads a precious letter; Ron and Hermione I guess almost/maybe hold hands, ugh; and Kreacher unspools a captivating tale. Plus: You know you wanted more singing. This week's chapters: A Place to Hide & Kreacher's Tale Next week's chapters: The Bribe & Magic is Might

Mawwiage is what bwings us togevver today. That, and extremely strange and seemingly useless gifts from beyond the grave. This week, we say goodbye to Scrimgeour; Harry gets a special birthday surprise from Ginny; Ron and Hermione continue to will-they-or-won't they; Xenophilius Lovegood makes an ill-advised choice in accessories; and Auntie Muriel gets lit. Plus: The Weasley twins, as always, come allllll the way through. This week's chapters: The Will of Albus Dumbledore & The Wedding Next week's chapters: A Place to Hide & Kreacher's Tale

Mad Eye, we hardly knew ye. Literally, we had almost no scenes with actual Mad Eye, and now he's, well … you know. This week, Geoge is hard of hearing, Hagrid overdoes it on the firewhisky, Mrs. Weasley panics over in-laws, Hermione breaks the whole wizarding world by stealing some books, and Ron gets a ghoulish twin. Plus: Have you ever thought about how old Horace Slughorn must be? We just did! REAL OLD! This week's chapters: Fallen Warrior & The Ghoul in Pajamas Next week's chapters: The Will of Albus Dumbledore & The Wedding

This one doesn't end great for a beloved bird. It's pretty rough for your hosts, too. This week, Dudley gets a conscience; Vernon gets the wrong idea; Hermione gets a glimpse through Harry's eyes; Voldemort gets the power of flight; and Hedwig gets murdered. Plus: We read another effing book. This week's chapters: The Dursleys Departing & The Seven Potters Next week's chapters: Fallen Warrior & The Ghoul in Pajamas

Wow, look at that, we made it all the way to Deathly Hallows! Bear with us as we ease back into the wizarding world—“dinner, Nagini,” is after all quite shocking. This week, LoVo yuks it up; Bellatrix is getting some; Yaxley briefly matters; Charity Burbage meets an uncharitable end; and Harry both bleeds and reads the newspaper, so, cool start, Harry! Plus: Very briefly, a Reconstruction podcast. This week's chapters: The Dark Lord Ascending & In Memoriam Next week's chapters: The Dursleys Departing & The Seven Potters

Ever wish this podcast was partly about the Marvel Cinematic Universe and a tiny bit about Game of Thrones? You're medium in luck! Mostly though, we talk about David Yates' Half-Blood Prince adaptation, which includes a lot of colored filters and horny teens. Cousin of the podcast Kyle Price-Livingston joins us once again to discuss horror tropes, character misfires, the goldfish monologue, Harry's iconic pincers move, and the possibilities of a Potter/Avengers crossover. Plus, we all very irritatingly forget how Draco finds the vanishing cabinet. Sorry. Next time: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows!

April Fool's Day means just one thing in these parts. It's another episode of The Nibbler! The third book in the series is chock-a-block full of horrifying messages for kids, tweens, teens, and grownups alike, including: you're obligated to love back any boy who becomes obsessed with you; sex is the same as murder; the Confederacy was pretty sweet; gold shag carpeting is a classy design choice; a metaphor can never get too extended; Native American tribes are basically supernatural anyway so why not ascribe totally made-up lore to actual living indigeous people; and MORE! Plus: Falling in love with a toddler, is, like, chill. Also there's apparently a plot in there somewhere. This week: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Wow, it's over! Dumbledore gets one last moment of pure theatricality; Fleur knows she's got it going on; Hagrid mourns like a Greek chorus; Harry makes an overly noble breakup speech that don't impress Ginny much; Ron and Hermione canoodle, I guess?; and J.K. goes for yet another ill-advised hetero romantic pairing. Plus: Merpeople! Centaurs! And some random rent-a-priest! This week's chapters: The Phoenix Lament & The White Tomb Next week: Movie Mini!

I mean … is there much more to say than that? It all goes down in the astronomy tower. Draco misses his chance; death eaters giggle stupidly; Harry sees something and can't say something; Hagrid is invincible; and an unknown someone reveals a horcrux secret. Plus: I guess we know who the Prince is now, but really, how much bandwidth do we have to care? This week's chapters: The Lightning-Struck Tower & Flight of the Prince Next week's chapters: The Phoenix Lament & The White Tomb

Cave of wonders? More like cave of horrors! This week, Trelawney hides her empties, Malfoy gets his magical carpentry credentials, and then, you know, they go to LITERAL HELL. This underworld has everything: zombies, a glowing green cocktail made of nightmares, a truly messed up boat trip, the blood of a beloved teacher. Plus: You know what? No. That's enough. This week's chapters: The Seer Overheard & The Cave Next week's chapters: The Lightning-Struck Tower & Flight of the Prince

Sort every American president into a Hogwarts house? We thought you'd never ask … oh wait, you super didn't! Anyway here's this.

Is it the prophecy, the memory, the horcruxes, or what? It's all of ‘em! This week, LoVo tears it up, Dumbledore gives an ill-received TED Talk, Slughorn sells everyone out for some candy, Harry tries something new, Ginny wins and wins again, and Ron gets dumped, finally. Plus: Introducing Gene and Dinny! This week's chapters: Horcruxes & Sectumsempra Next week's chapters: The Seer Overheard & The Cave

‘Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, Harry? This week, Hermione helps with homework; Ron dodges his snog-buddy; polyjuice potion finds a saucy new use; Draco mopes and we almost feel sorry for him; Myrtle and Dobby reveal crucial plot information and then vanish into tertiary character limbo; Slughorn gives a speech; and Harry takes his shot. Plus: Hagrid's alternate path as the subject of a Werner Herzog documentary. This week's chapters: The Unknowable Room & After the Burial Next week's chapters: Horcruxes & Sectumsempra

Do these horcruxes spark joy? This week, Harry takes a bludger to the face; Ron has avoidance issues; Hagrid says some extremely true stuff we have been waiting for someone in these crazy books to finally admit; LoVo has an awkward job interview; and Kreacher looks for loopholes. Plus: The Easter egg in this one is very, very good, so listen through the end. This week's chapters: Elf Tales & Lord Voldemort's Request Next week's chapters: The Unknowable Room & After the Burial

This entire episode is about Wilkie Twycross. What, you don't remember this absolutely essential and indelible Harry Potter character? Are you even a real fan? This week, Harry talks back; Voldy goes all teen heartthrob; Morfin gets railroaded; Dumbledore does some deep extractions; Slughorn appreciates both cheekiness and candy; and Ron falls hard. Plus: Hurtling through space-time is, in fact, pretty hard? This week's chapters: A Sluggish Memory & Birthday Surprises Next week's chapters: Elf Tales & Lord Voldemort's Request

Baby, it's cold outside, but not as cold as it seems to be in Hermione's heart these days. This week, Harry dodges roofies; Ron gets a necklace; Lupin tells his backstory; Percy drops by; Scrimgeour fails as a diplomat; and Sanguini is just trying to meet a nice girl. This week's chapters: The Unbreakable Vow & A Very Frosty Christmas Next week's chapters: A Sluggish Memory & Birthday Surprises

Admit it, you've always wanted to hear a deep-cuts comparison of LoVo, née Tom Riddle, to Ted Bundy. Well, you're in luck! This week, Dumbledore collects a kid, Tom hangs a rabbit (eesh!), Ron blows a gasket, Ginny resists slut-shaming, Harry makes excellent use of the placebo effect, and Heather and Alex continue to despise one of the most iconic will-they-or-won't-theys of all time. Plus: bird attack! This week's chapters: The Secret Riddle & Felix Felicis Next week's chapters: The Unbreakable Vow & A Very Frosty Christmas

First of all, nice. Second of all: It's just teen-town over here, folks. This week, a bunch of Hufflepuffs and babies crash Quidditch tryouts; Ron and Hermione's so-called chemistry is just explosions and clouds of stink; Harry has no you-know-whats left to give; Hagrid mourns a murder spider; and Katie Bell gets horror movied. Plus: We finally get Cormac McLaggen's name right. This week's chapters: Hermione's Helping Hand & Silver and Opals Next week's chapters: The Secret Riddle & Felix Felicis

Let us now praise famous wizards. This week, Neville opts for a practical education; Snape redecorates and then chews the scenery; Slughorn actually teaches; Harry gets back into collecting rare and used books; The Gaunts have, er, economic anxiety; and we have THOUGHTS about love potions. Which, you knew we would. Also, what sound do raccoons make? Seriously. This week's chapters: The Half-Blood Prince & The House of Gaunt Next week's chapters: Hermione's Helping Hand & Silver and Opals

Happy Election Day 2018, Quibbler fam! To keep you company while you wait in line to cast your vote (or just for fun if you're not American/not eligible/not able), here's a little something extra. We're talking Cornelius Fudge's suspicious "sacking," how the Malfoys exert their political influence, whether the wizarding political parties are just "Snakes" and "everybody else," and what motivates us, your humble hosts, to vote. So go exercise that hallowed right and remember: Vote because wizards can't.

Spooky! Scary! Happy Halloween, and welcome to a monstrous new episode of The Nibbler, New Moon edition! This week, Bella gets dumped; Jacob has a fever and the only prescription is turning into a super-wolf; Charlie is rightfully concerned about all the shit going down; Carlisle has an ethos; the Volturi have a city to maintain and a receptionist to keep complicit; Stephanie Meyer describes a 13-hour flight in what feels like real time; and WOW is Edward Cullen terrible. Plus: Lots of bonus shade and … Marxism? This week: The Twilight Saga: New Moon Next week: The Half-Blood Prince & The House of Gaunt

We're far from the hallows now … This week, Mr. Weasley is a skeptic; Ginny perfects her signature curse; someone should probably alert magical law enforcement to Blaise Zabini's mom; Belby chokes on a pheasant; Draco gets petted; and Harry gets stomped. Plus: Did we like A Star Is Born? Find out! (Spoiler alert: Kinda.) This week's chapters: The Slug Club & Snape Victorious Next week's chapters: The Half-Blood Prince & The House of Gaunt