The Space Between

Our conflict hooks influence the conflicts we get into, how we react, and how stuck we get.Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

The story we tell ourselves and others about a conflict isn't the story of the conflict. It's our story of the conflict. But what is it trying to tell us?Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

Effective communication requires both sending and receiving skills. This communication tool will help you do both.Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

How to lower the volume without fuss or drama and get the conversation back on track. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

In honor of his remarkable legacy, I'm replaying my 2020 story about Nobel Peace Prize laureate and former U.S. President, Jimmy Carter. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

Conflict can be detrimental to relationships, but it doesn't have to be. What makes the difference? Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

These phrases will help you introduce disagreement in a non-confrontational way. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

Help yourself think clearly, make better decisions, and keep impulses in check with these 11 mental tricks. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

How I form “provisional theories” that can influence the trajectory of a conflict. Find episode transcript and links here, the QueryCards here, and conflict resolution quotes here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

Do you seem like a bad listener when you disagree? Yes, you do, even when you're an ace listener. Here's why. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my free monthly Substack newsletter here.

Good problem-solving process is like a reliable GPS, helping us navigate a difficult conversation coherently. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

Venting anger doesn't help you calm down and increases aggression. So why is the venting myth still embraced? And what's better? Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

Here's an exercise to help you identify your conflict hooks and increase emotional agility during difficult interactions. Find episode transcript here. Find part 1 here. How knowing your conflict hooks helps reduce conflict in your life. More about my book here and the free worksheet here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

One of the best ways to increase emotional agility in conflict is to recognize and manage your conflict hooks. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

What we do immediately after we express empathy helps or hinders the connection and alignment we're trying to build. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my Substack newsletter here.

How to skip the drama and the rumination and raise a concern so they'll actually listen. Find Tammy's episode transcript and links here and the printable cheat sheet here. Subscribe to my monthly Subtack newsletter here.

It's tempting to tell people what they should do. It feels efficient, and it makes us feel helpful and wise. When we replace telling with asking, we can do something more powerful and, ultimately, more satisfying: Help people illuminate what's important and generate effective solutions to problems. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my free monthly newsletter here.

My newsletter, Disagree Better, turns 25 this month. I'm marking the milestone with 25 ways to disagree better from a wide array of thinkers. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

One reason agreements and solutions fail is that they don't sufficiently identify and address the root causes of the problem. Another is that they address behavioral elements of the conflict without also addressing systemic elements that drive the behavior. The Relationship Diagram is an excellent tool for overcoming both of these problem-solving hurdles. Relationship diagram demo (video) Episode transcript Frame a solvable problem To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Should our conflict partners have to earn or deserve our good graces for us to show them generosity of spirit when they're acting badly? Here's a way to disagree better even when we think we're handling the encounter well and they're not. Episode transcript Seeing the equal human in front of us Susan Cain's website To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Like a movie trailer, your Stuck Story is a montage of the most interesting moments in a conflict, with certain scenes magnified and others omitted. It's not the story of the conflict; it's your story of the conflict. It's not helpful to keep repeating your Stuck Story, either to yourself or to others. Here's why and how to stop the unintended rehearsals. Episode transcript About neural pathways My book, The Conflict Pivot To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Stonewalling makes conflict conversations more difficult and can damage vital relationships. So what can you do if you want to talk out a problem, but the other person is stonewalling? Start by understanding how the present circumstances may be driving the behavior. Episode transcript When they're not ready to talk How to navigate the "not my problem" problem A question to help make sure you're solving the same problem The "real issue" black hole Instead of labeling, describe the behavior To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

I'm on summer break and will be back with a new episode next month. In the meantime, enjoy this replay from the archives. Episode transcript To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

When someone is steadfastly committed to their position in an argument, the best we can do sometimes is create just a tiny bit of wiggle room in their thinking, enough to soften their position and give the conversation somewhere to go. Here's one way to do it. Episode transcript The Knowledge Illusion by Steven Sloman and Philip Fernbach To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

It's hard to stand in someone else's shoes when we're in the middle of a conflict with them, even when we know that understanding their perspective is important. Here's a trick of the mind that makes perspective-taking easier. Episode transcript The Zen of Listening by Rebecca Shafir The negative effects of trying to stand in their shoes More on practicing in low-stakes situations To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Conflict and suffering are bedfellows. When we're trying to help others in conflict, whether as mediators, leaders, or family members, we can help them better if we can turn toward their suffering instead of withdrawing from it. Episode transcript An article about Epstein's and Black's work Small caring actions to ease suffering Every conflict contains a bid to be seen To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Most of us sit down together to sort out tension and conflict. We meet over coffee, or gather at the conference table, or sit down for a family meeting. We might well benefit more from walking conflict resolution than sitting, and here's the science to explain why. Episode transcript 2014 Stanford University research 2022 Max Planck Institute research A long walk with two mediation clients To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

My conflict work used to center squarely on helping people have the conversations that resolve conflict. As my work has shifted over the last decade to being more about helping people approach conflict in ways that don't require my presence to be successful, some of what I do is about shifting conflict-related habits. Here's one approach that can be very powerful. Episode transcript The "as if" technique Ruth Chang's method for making hard choices Atomic Habits by James Clear More on recurring small wins To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

When faced with a problem, we often ask ourselves or others, “What should we do?” It's not a bad question at all, but research suggests a better question for prompting more creative solutions. Episode transcript The 2018 research Source of the restaurant story To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Sure, it's good to pick your fights. Life is short, after all. But that doesn't mean you should avoid the small fights as a matter of course. The small fights are the places you get better managing your own or others' conflicts, preparing you for more difficult conversations. Episode transcript The problem with totalizing The sample list of things to practice, along with information about each To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

When conflict kindles unwelcome emotions, we want relief. There's a well-researched emotion regulation technique that reliably dampens the effect of unwelcome emotions, and all we need to remember is one simple question. Episode transcript The 2007 research The 2018 research The 2021 research Using writing to boost performance in pressure-filled situations To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

When we try to talk out a problem with someone, and conversation hasn't yielded the results we hoped, we may find ourselves withdrawing from them. But as Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai reminds us, there's often a better choice. Episode transcript The conversation between Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai and Dr. Laurie Santos More on my grad students' assignment to have a difficult conversation Shared everyday experiences for re-establishing the connection that conflict has splintered Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Confronting is an essential conflict resolution and supervisory skill, yet it can feel risky and uncomfortable. We don't want to seem confrontational or aggressive, and we do want to feel confident that confronting might make a difference. Here's a mediator's tip for how to confront someone and raise an issue without seeming antagonistic or argumentative. Episode transcript Evaluating whether we should raise an issue or let it go Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Highly effective listening is a conflict resolution superpower — it reduces defensiveness, diminishes extreme reaction, and increases open-mindedness. And it's learnable. To be a highly effective listener, pay particular attention to these three essential components of great listening. Episode transcript The journal article Every conflict contains a bid to be seen Multitasking is bad for good listening The downside of copious note-taking Practicing transparency when overwhelmed by a long-winded talker Seeing the equal human in front of us Leading with our curiosity The downsides of setting ground rules at the beginning of a mediation Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Recurring conflict doesn't automatically signal that a personal or professional relationship is in trouble. Teams, couples, and families that experience conflict can develop a figurative “stress wood” that makes for resilient relationships. Episode transcript About Biosphere 2 About trees and stress wood How conflict avoidance can cause bigger conflict later When parents avoid disagreeing in front of child or routinely break up sibling arguments When parents prevent their child from expressing emotions How healthy relationships benefit from conflict Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

When you're tempted to dismiss someone's concern as trivial or roll your eyes at the things people find to fight over, it's time to sit up straight and pay attention. You're missing something, and it could be important. Episode transcript Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

This episode is a little different than my usual episodes -- I'm sharing Lu Hanessian's interview of me for The Foreseeable Now podcast. I hope you'll use the link below to listen to our wide-ranging conversation about good conflict resolution. Find the interview here To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

You'll be a better listener when you disagree with someone if you can first master better listening in your everyday conversations. Here's a good place to start: Trade shift responses for support responses. Episode transcript Celeste Headlee Charles Derber Stealing someone's story Holding the space Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

When frustration or anger hijacks us, we may say or do things we regret. Here's an uncomplicated mindfulness technique for managing the urge to lash out — and for managing other troublesome impulses too. Episode transcript Why it's hard to reason someone back into reasonableness Why it's good to interrupt rumination Buy Tammy a coffee To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Once we've sorted out our differences, is the conflict over? Or does it leave a residual experience that can drag us down again? Episode transcript Pema Chödrön's Getting Unstuck More about the power of perceived understanding in relationships Kintsugi and the art of mending relationship conflict When conflict is real but not true Tammy's book, The Conflict Pivot Tammy on twitter Buy Tammy a coffee To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

We all have our own preferred conversational rules of engagement. When things are going well, it's easy to overlook someone violating what we consider to be conversational norms. But when conflict enters the picture, our Ghost Rules can contribute to tension and escalation. Episode transcript Two ghost rules my husband and I had when we met The conflict resolution toolbox To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/tammylenski/support

When solving a problem seems well and truly hopeless, a certain kind of question can clear roadblocks and boost creative problem-solving. These ultimate questions deserve a permanent place in our conflict resolution and problem-solving toolkits. Find show notes and links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/tammylenski/support

When we're on the verge of being swamped by anger, having a pre-chosen anger reset can save the day. Here are a few anger resets I suggest to clients I'm coaching or in anticipation of mediation, including ones I use myself. Find show notes and links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/tammylenski/support

The fact that we disagree — even strongly — isn't what damages personal or professional relationships. It's how well we make use of practices that buffer our vital relationships from the detrimental effects of conflict. In other words, it's how well we safeguard “the space between” through the way we disagree. Find show notes and links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/tammylenski/support

When a disagreement in front of others gets difficult, there's a simple remedy for avoiding two common pitfalls such conversations bring with them. Find show notes and links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/tammylenski/support

Deflecting blame, denying responsibility, and minimizing negative impact are defensive behaviors that make problem-solving conversations frustrating. To reduce defensiveness and increase their willingness to take responsibility, use this research-supported approach when you confront. Find show notes and links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/. If you like my work, please consider supporting this podcast to help it stay ad-free. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/tammylenski/support

Better conflict resolution habits don't start with learning a new approach and then trying it in your next difficult conversation. Just as you wouldn't start running and try a marathon the following week, better conflict resolution habits begin with a slow, steady build. Here are some ways to start strong and build from there. For show notes, please visit https://tammylenski.com/better-conflict-resolution-habits/. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/. If you like my work, please consider supporting this podcast to help it stay ad-free :) --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/tammylenski/support

When we argue, and particularly when we argue with loved ones and colleagues — those with whom we are in ongoing relationship — the argument has three threads at its core. It doesn't matter what we're arguing about; those three threads are there. When we attend to those three threads, we set the stage for a much better conversation. For show notes, please visit tammylenski.com. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/. If you like my work, please consider supporting this podcast to help it stay ad-free. See how you can help at anchor.fm/tammylenski/support. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/tammylenski/support

Sometimes the best comeback after an insult -- the comeback that actually does something for us instead of to them -- is no comeback at all, as the following Zen koan so beautifully illustrates. Please visit tammylenski.com for a transcript of this and other episodes. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/tammylenski/support

The Space Between is now called Disagree Better

Try counterfactual thinking instead.