Regular Features

Hello and welcome to the only podcast that is "Regular Features". In this episode, Joe samples forbidden chlorinated delicacies of the new world, Ryan Coogler bugles his way into and out of yet another scrape, and Steve wonders what if Bebop out of Ninja Turtles wound up Pope.

Welcome back to the Regular Features podcast, the only podcast that enters your dreams every night to chase you around a big hedge maze. And when you wake up there are hedge clippings under your pillow. And when you shake your husband awake to tell him about the dream, he has OUR faces. Dream within a dream, baby! We're the only podcast that does that, we checked!! In this episode, an Instagram voodoo-witch lets Gav in on an ancient secret you WON'T believe. Joe invites you on a murder investigation with a SHOCKING twist. And Steve pings around pointlessly like a DVD logo.

It's another quiet day in the Regular Features stock market today, and OH MY GOD THE FEATURES INDEX IS CRASHING. Put in a big buy order for Log talking about Tinkletown! Sell your stocks in Pope futures, because Joe's lifting the lid on a smoky secret! And whatever you do, hold onto your animal facts, because Matt's flooding the market!

Mmm, we have just baked a delicious episode. Now to leave it cooling on the windowsill with all delicious smell lines coming out of it. We hope there are no hungry readers hiding in our begonias. HEY. In this SPECIAL two-boy episode, Joe attempts to decipher a cryptic feature idea from his notes app. And Steve reckons Katy Perry aint been quite right ever since she did a loop-de-loop near a moon.

This week we preview the 2025 Video Games BAFTA Awards one whole week after they've been announced. How did we manage such a time-bending feat? We're not quite sure ourselves.

Four podcasters, two pairings, one episode. Joe and Gav face off against Matt and Log in a barely conceived concept episode. Do not adjust your set, because your set doesn't control podcasts.

In this episode, Log is up for a BAFTA, which looks like you're SHOUTING it because it's an ACRONYM. For the sake of making each of our features sound equally prestigious: Steve is talking about EARWAX, and Joe suspects somebody might be trying to MURDER the inventor of the SAXOPHONE. OKAY?

Hi, I'm Joe Skrebels. I just want you to know that I downloaded the public domain image used as art for this episode of the podcast before I realised it looked like me on that sled. I want to make it very clear that I did not teleport back to the 1930s for a photoshoot that I could use as podcast art almost a century later. I wouldn't do that, I haven't got the wherewithal. In this episode, Matt can't stop sninning, Log processes some stuff about a Paula Abdul music video, and Joe travels back in time to go sledding. Wait, no, don't pay attention to that. Alexa, delete that. ALEXA, DELETE THAT.

Welcome to Regular Features, the only podcast that's been clinically proven to be both big AND clever. In this week's episode, teenage Steve gets a visit from The Rock out of Wrestling, Matt intrudes into the personal doings of a Pikachu, and Log designs his own cash register, or "till", as in "I'm not serving you this pint till you give me coins for my cash register".

Are you a victim of shiny ham? Did you think it was like shiny beef (which is fine), ate it, and your hands fell off? Then are we the legal team for you! We will personally sue the pig who produced your ham that went shiny. If they're already dead, we'll sue their piglets. We will get you your money back! But not your hands, those are long gone. Actually, can you bring your hands to our law office? We want to see fallen-off hands, just for our own curiosity. And while you visit, we might play you an episode of Regular Features in which Matt finds out Mavis Beacon wasn't real, Log starts but - crucially - does not finish a feature, and Joe makes a startling discovery inside an audio illusion. DON'T DELAY IF YOU ATE BAD HAM.

Hello, my name is Betty Boop, the owner of the Regular Features podcast. I am 95 years old but still as sprightly as a bag of Tennessee pickles. Teehee. Anyway it is my pleasure to welcome you to another episode I suppose. In this one, Steve's still on about aeroplanes for some reason, Log discovers the origins of Hockley Nottingham's infamous Goose Gate, and Matt lists the horses from worst to blurst.

This week Bobby Williams' monkey movie has a grip on the Regular Features boys however one of the lads refuses to be caught up in the zeitgeist and has done a feature about Family Fortunes or summin'. This episode of the podcast is dediated to Twins director David Lynch.

New year, new you? No! Old year, OLD YOU. Open up those earholes and let us slither on in again, like you always do. Change is for the weak. Continuing to listen to Regular Features is strength. Phwoar. Look at you. Have you been working out. In this episode, Joe's got hoofs on the baize, Steve's got lungs out of phase, and Log's got heraldic insights that amaze. Roll tape!

This year instead of our annual Ramblemas Special, we bring you the inaugural Regular Features Rambuary Spectacular.

Come and get your oats, mother. I have prepared the oats for thee. They are in the garage, mother. I have set the oats on the floor, behind the Citroen. Pay no heed to the engine noise, mama. Consume the oats and be satisfied. Oh mother, it is dark behind the Citroen. Allow me to illuminate your meal of oats with the car's reversing lights. No, I will not crush you under the Citroen, mother. I would not dare. I am saddened that you would even suggest such foulness. Aha! I am crushing you now, mother. I will have what is coming to me. What I deserve. My inheritance of oats! The oats will be mine! In this episode, Steve acquires the deed to a platinum mine, Log defends his pub from amateur Christmas boozers, and Joe addresses the bag of wheat in the room. Happy Christmas!

I'm uploading this from America, which means that you should now be seeing Coca-Cola streaming from the USB port of your phone. That's free Coca-Cola, so don't miss out. It's going in your shoe! It's going in your shoe!! You got Coca-Cola shoe!!! That's not our fault. Get a glass, now, make the most of it. Oh it's over. Don't blame us, it's your phone, and your shoe, and your Coca-Cola. In this episode, Gav has upset a Reader, Steve sends us on an Oat Quest, and Joe has noticed a pattern in North American filmmaking that he wishes to exploit

This week Joe has a bone to pick with Gav and it's nothing to do with the fact that Gav saw King Charles the other day and didn't spit at him. Matt also invites you to enjoy a game show he's made about a well. Like what the title and the artwork are on about.

Hello, this is an episode Regular Features. Please remain seated until your group number is called. In this episode, Log's friend Wolf Blitzer dispenses with his unruly cats. Matt dispenses playground justice. Steve dispenses a helicopter into a mountain. Joe dispenses a lost Elvis Presley recording.

In this episode, Log gets a cease and knock-it-off from the estate of a former member of house of the England parliament of the member of the right honourable house of members of the house... in Britain! And Steve's friend has been rubbing shoulders with stars on a barge. Barge stars! Legal threats! What more can we give? We're doing our best!!

Horpen up your gorp and slorp it orp, friend, it's a new episode of Regular Features, the podcast that just won't stop. If we stop doing it, we die! In this episode, Steve experiences a sensory deprivation tank. Log's friend visits a mysterious horny island. And Joe translates opera for our swine-ears, our uncultured hog-brains. Meep.

Autoglass repair? Okay cool, yeah I'm into this. I'm buying what you're selling. I'm picking up what you're putting down. A repaired windshield, well who could say no to that? What a deal! My beautiful original windshield, restored to its former glory, the idea delights my heart! What's that?! Autoglass REPLACE?! Well hold on just a minute!!! In this episode, Joe gets word from our podcast sponsors that one of us has been electing for dangerous and unapproved head surgeries. Log rediscovers the wondrous routines of Jasper Carrott. And Steve simply attends. Nobody can ever accuse him of not having been in the room.

It's another episode of Regular Features, the podcast named "top result" by Spotify when you search for Regular Features in the podcasts section. In this episode, Steve writes an entirely original screenplay for an action movie. Joe dives deep into the horrid curse of the Kennedys. And Log, god love him, Log is simply standing there while this whole thing happens around him. What more can you ask?

Uptown girl? Yeah, last I heard she's been living in that uptown world. At least that's what everyone's been saying. Apparently she comes home at all hours of the night, stinking of uptown. What's uptown? Not much town, what's up with you!!! In this episode, Joe gets a visit from the enigmatic creator of the new social media network Bluesky, Steve imagines what it might be like if his arms were constantly laden with eggs, and Log gets bemused by a shop.

Readers! No! Get away from that. You can't have that, it's poison. It's poison to readers. You wouldn't like it. In this episode, Steve got a mpox jab, Joe got a birthpaper, and Log starts sleeping in his talk. Wow.

We do our best, and so do you. Good. Good you!!! In this episode, Steve talks frankly too much about his trip to America. And Log embarks on a mission to be "read out" on the radio.

We can't keep meeting like this!! In this episode, Joe wonders what would happen if you did a wet space in orbit. Log ponders on Andrew Tate's beautiful penis. Steve recounts the time we went to the Olympics... and won!

Knock knock, open wide, see what's on the other side. Knock knock, any more, come with me through the magic door... of Regular Features! In this episode, Log finds out once and for all who dogs love the most, then reveals some behind-the-scenes gossip about the hit new videogame Thank Goodness You're Here. Steve addresses the Simmons in the room.

And where do you think you've been these past four weeks? Think you can come slinking back into our lives like nothing's happened? That things would be the same again? Well you're right, and we forgive you. But DON'T let it happen again. In this episode, Log catches up with people we've agony aunted, Joe devises some cool new tech for food, and Steve put a ring on it and got a ring put on him, in a ring-putting ceremony theologians are calling "unlikely".

I scream. You scream. We all scream. And for what? What was the point of all that screaming? This ice cream? This lowly creeeaam? Pfft. I don't see what's so great about this ice cream that you're all screaming wild about it. Here, let me taste some. Oh... oh wow... AARGGRGHHHHHH. In this episode, Steve gets all ringed up. Joe learns the secrets of inter-animal hypnosis. And Log gets back to basics with a classic Doctor Who script.

Wets here! Get your wets. Fresh wets. Only the finest wets. Just came in this morning. Low low prices. Affordable wets for the family. You sir, want wets? Well you can't have one. No wets for you. Don't even look at my wets. In this episodes, Log meets a yummy mummy. Joe meets a juice fanatic. And Steve overhears the pope dropping some f-bombs near an archdeacon.

Excuse us, we got hoovered into a big tornado but we're back now. In this episode, Joe does a feature all about Steve's stag do. Log does a feature all about Steve's stag do. And Steve, well you'd never guess, but he does a feature about a time cop.

This week Matt, Steve and Gav drank precisely 4 pints of lager and got into a room to record a podcast together. What is this, 2013??

If you don't know what we're talking about in your episode, that's actually on you, because you haven't done the research. Joe's discussing his very personal view on a smash hit television series everyone except Log and Steve has hopefully seen. Log, meanwhile, hopes you're au fait with a 1970s album that DOESN'T include Diana Ross. Steve stand, blinking and confused, amidst all of the above.

JUMP! For my love. JUMP IN! And feel my touch. Please, wife, you have to jump now before it's too late. The cruise ship is sinking and this is the last lifeboat. If you don't jump, I'll float away and you'll be left to drown alone on that cursed boat. So, if you want to taste my kisses in the night, or ever again, my sweet love, then... JUMP! In this episode, Joe is horrified to learn the true meaning behind the 1990 glam rock FILTH anthem "Cherry Pie". Steve wakes up from a nap to discover three-time Grammy award winner Dua Lipa has become trapped inside his walls. And Gav is here too, making a big hoo-hah over nothin'.

"Stop, Children, what's that sound?" Let me stop you right there, Buffalo Springfield, because I think I know the answer to this one. "That sound" is Episode 562 of Regular Features. And you know what? It very nearly wasn't. This is an unusual episode, in that it survived the total post-recording elimination of one participant, "Log", thanks entirely to "Log". This is the Little Podcast That Survived. It is a perfectly lovely Frankenstein of an episode. If you were a Lady Frankenstein, I reckon it'd be right up your street. If you *are* a Lady Frankenstein, and you want me to put you in touch, please send an SAE marked "I promise not to scream when Episode 562 calls me FRIEND, sending it into a suicidal rage" to WE BELONG DEAD PO Box 562 Ashby De La Zouch Thanks for being you. (Unless you're awful) Features Scheming Weasel by Kevin McLeod off of Incompetech.com

Well, I ate the whole thing. Shrug emoji! In this episode, Joe brings us to the aid of an ailin' 'n' flailin' maestra flautist, Gav discovers a hidden side effect of jelly boy bonification, and Steve delves deep into the Regular Features agony auntsack.

Did you know that the famous advertising slogan "got milk?" was almost something very different? Originally the tagline for milk was going to be "gimme da heffer wets, brother", until a marketing executive decided the phrase was too long to be coherently burped into a mother's face after downing the last pint of refreshing milk, straight from the fridge. In this episode, Steve imagines what it must like to be a ravenous baby. And Log's pub got incredibly wet for an afternoon, compelling him to seek an untroubled life of solitude among the pines. Pump it up.

We're back! Sorry we've been away for a while, it's because we are actually dead now. Yeah we died. Sorry! In this episode, Matt sees a waxy head in a box. Steve shares a special moment with Jedward near some garlic. And Log tastefully designs each of our funerals. We'll be back with regular episodes from exactly now on. PLEASE. YOU MUST FORGIVE.

Joe and Gav are now fully fledged magicians and they took their latest trick to the Blackpool Magic Convention to see if they could fool some fellow conjurers.

We can't keep meeting like this. In this episode, Joe finally brings Great British advertising to the hallowed American Superbowl. Log slips into a Helen-inspired reverie. Steve reads an excerpt from Bradley Wigginseses autobiography.

Here at Regular Features, we like to barge our way through old hotel doors and stumble into the room to find nothing but an open window and a fluttering curtain, then saying "he's gone", before YOU, our trusty sidekick, spots a hat on the hatstand and says "well wherever he's gone.. he's not wearing his hat". That's just how we like to do things, as you well know. In this episode, Log imagines what it might be like when eventually Laurence Fox leaves us all behind. Matt sets out to invent an entire arts and crafts movement. And Steve's friend deals with news of an impending vape ban. Ready!?

They say you can't get better than a Kwik Fit fitter, but I once saw a Kwik Fit fitter walk through a plate glass window in Letchworth Garden City. If that's honestly the best we've got, we might as well surrender to Belgium tomorrow and be done with it. In this TRAVEL SPECIAL episode, Gav is bulled off a swing, Log takes a much needed vacation to Shrewsbury, and Steve is upset by the weird woofing sound that planes sometimes make.

Excuse me? Excuse me. Please may I be excused. You must excuse me now. Oh no I've excused myself into my shorts. That's your fault, that is, actually, for not excusing me quickly enough. Now I've got excuses all down my legs. Excuse YOU, more like. In this one: Steve solves the XL Bully crisis gripping da nation. Joe drops some fresh Saltburn beats. Also the AI episode art is just a joke from the episode, we're not horrible.

Can YOU guess a guy? Find out in this week's episode! While you come up with your answers, here's what else: Log reflects on turning 50. Steve has a poem to say at you. Matt's thought of one thousand baby names. And Joe does the guessing of a guy.

We love you readers. Happy new year.

If your Christmas tradition isn't playing this podcast at full volume, directly into your nan's increasingly ecstatic face, then we don't even want you listening to it. She'd love Gav's story about over-paying a tailor. She'd swoon to hear Secret Santana's latest return. She'd nod vigorously when Matt laid bare the world of aviation. She'd clap like a seal at Log's recantation of The Box of Delights. And she'd cry herself into the grave at the fact that Steve wasn't there. EAT UP, GRANDMA.

This is a public service announcement. Thousands of horses die needlessly giddy every year. That's why you should always tell your horse to "giddy down" after it's done giddying up. Around the world today, countless horses are locked in a heightened state of giddy, having been recklessly told to "giddy up" by their enthusiastic riders, but never having had the counteractive phrase "giddy down" lovingly whispered into their giddy big ears back at the stable at bedtime. In some of the most extreme cases, actually, we've seen dead horses who've been 10x or 20x giddied by careless riders, their horpse corpses still audibly teeheeing from the residual gid. And their owners? Nowhere to be seen, unbelievably. But you can be change all that. In this episode, Log becomes a groomsman and Steve does a feature!

Oh, don't go into that cupboard. Don't you dare open *that* cupboard. You won't like what we keep in *that* one. Oh no, no, no. That's where we keep the features. You oughtn't spill any of those. What if you got Joe's impression of Ronnie O'Sullivan all down the lino? What if you drank a bit of Gav's journeys with a confusing taxi driver? And what if Log got out? He might tell you about a horrible time in a gym! Oh goodness no, close that cupboard now and don't think about it for a second longer. Have a plum. That'll calm you down. Locker image: “open 19”, by Rupert Ganzer, licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 DEED

If you have the hiccups, here is a tried and tested method for ridding yourself of the condition, cited by over one hundred old wives. 1. Stand on a railway arch 2. Listen to episode 548 of Regular Features 3. Marvel at Joe's loving obliteration of The Americans 4. Quickly write down the URL of Steve's new favourite charity 5. Stifle a gasp at Log's many confessions 6. Put on your squirrel suit and jump Your hiccups will be gone because you didn't practice squirrel suiting and are at LEAST maimed.

When all you've got is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Stuck in traffic? Nail. Deadline to meet? It's a nail. Hungry? Better believe that's a nail. Worried that your only possession in the entire world, the sum total of your life achievements, the only thing your children will inherit when you die of hammer-related injuries, is a hammer? Oh yeah, that's a freakin nail alright. In this episode, Joe wishes the new Smyths Toys television ad was a lottle bit longer. And Log explores the supposedly universal things people say to one another to give them an excuse to be horrible baddies. Steve's here too. There's a great bit about a crow in there! Nine out of ten episode this one.

Gather round, gather round. No stop, that's too much gathering. Disperse... A little more... A little more. Well now you're far too dispersed, aren't you? You're gonna wanna give me just a hint more gathering. Woah woah woah, now you're even more gathered than the first time. So much for the wisdom of crowds, ya tightly packed throng o' boneheads. In this very chatty episode of Regular Features, Gav recounts the tale of our annual trip to the most happening Halloween party this side of Godalming. Steve hosts a "guess the TV theme tune" quiz in lieu of actually doing a feature. And Joe turns informant for anyone who'll listen. "Onion Capers" and "Newer Wave" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/