The Save The Marriage Podcast

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Learn the secrets of saving a troubled marriage, and the methods to improve any marriage. Join Dr. Lee Baucom as he explores practical ways to save a marriage. Gain the understanding and tools you need in order to successfully solve your relationship problems with love and respect.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

    • Dec 1, 2021 LATEST EPISODE
    • weekly NEW EPISODES
    • 23m AVG DURATION
    • 231 EPISODES

    Listeners of The Save The Marriage Podcast that love the show mention: affair, marriage, spouse, broken, saving, saved, dr, i've found, system, eye opening, husband, relationships, steps, problem, improve, growth, great advice, means, tools, helpful.

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    Latest episodes from The Save The Marriage Podcast

    Are You Trying To Earn Love Back?

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 1, 2021 20:54

    Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse. They want to know if that is what it really is -- earning back the love (and even trust). The short answer is NO, that is not the goal. A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship. That is my topic for this week's Save The Marriage Podcast: why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse's love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead. Your marriage can be saved. But not by trying to earn back your spouse's love. Can the love return to your marriage? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean it is the goal of the process. (Love isn't earned. It is given.) Listen to the podcast episode below for more on this important topic ADDITIONAL RESOURCES Connection and Marriage Building A WE Forgiveness and Marriage Save The Marriage System

    Gratitude and a Marriage Crisis

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 24, 2021 13:50

    Here we are, right at Thanksgiving Day in the United States. The day we are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us. Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!). What, gratitude when life stinks? Yep. In fact, gratitude is even MORE important when we are in the midst of a crisis. Yes, it is important every day. But when your life is upside-down, gratitude can help you get it rightside-up. Is it easy? Nope. Is it important? Yep. So, let's talk about finding gratitude (not just having gratitude, but finding it) in the midst of a crisis. Need more on being thankful and feeling gratitude? Listen here and here. And you can find the Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

    “Is This MY Fault??”

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 17, 2021 21:16

    Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem? Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question. So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem? Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time... frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation. And rarely is that accurate, or even fair. Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere. Let's talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical "what do I do?" perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, "Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?" Listen below as I tackle the question: "Am I the Problem?" RELATED RESOURCES Showing Up Blame & Shame Ruining Today with Yesterday How To NOT Save Your Marriage How TO Save Your Marriage -- System

    Why Forgive?

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 10, 2021 33:03

    People hear me talk about forgiving (I wrote a book on it).  Then they ask, "why should I have to forgive?" Ironically, my point was that forgiving frees the forgiver. I tackle forgiveness in-depth for this week's podcast. In fact, I give you a 6 step process of how to forgive. But of course, this is only helpful if you think you want to forgive. I start the podcast by clarifying what I mean by forgiveness, and why I think it is so important. (Hint: not forgiving is like having a systemic infection that will eat away at the rest of your life.) The catch is, as C.S. Lewis said, "Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive." When we have been injured, the idea of forgiving is not philosophical, and it can feel overwhelming. Join me as we explore why to forgive and ways to forgive. RELATED RESOURCES: Why Apologize How to Apologize Book:  The Forgive Process Program:  Save The Marriage

    Can Separation Save (or Cost You) a Marriage?

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 3, 2021 21:46

    You want to save your marriage.  Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it.  That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website. And so, I often have the question asked, "Should we separate?  Will a separation save my marriage?" Can a separation save a marriage? Short answer:  yes, it can. Longer answer:  a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely.  And in my experience, a separation is a step in the wrong direction. Some recent statistics show that around 79% of couples who separate end up divorced.  In other words, 8 out of every 10 couples who separate will divorce. I view separation as an absolute last resort to save a marriage.  It is, in my opinion, that unlikely to help. But here is the thing:  if you are stuck in a conflicted and hurting marriage, it can be a very appealing solution.  And yes, you can find "fans" of separation.  There are people who tell you it is an important step in restoring a marriage. Those people are ignoring the statistics. They are appealing to your sense of relief that can come from a break in the conflict. More often than not, a separation amounts to a “trial divorce." But are there better solutions?  Absolutely. Here is one. In this podcast training, I tell you why separation is problematic -- so that you understand that.  I also tell you how to structure a separation, if it is inevitable and a last resort.  Listen below for help with separation.   RESOURCES: Article on Separating Save The Marriage System Virtual Coaching Program (IF you have the System)  

    Zombie Marriage??

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 27, 2021 26:22

    Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?"  Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?"  Are emotions lost and connections missing?  Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?" The infection can be stopped.  You can fight the infection and heal the relationship. Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system.  Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy. Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o' the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Pause Button Marriages Dangers of Disconnection "Can This Marriage Be Saved?” The Save The Marriage System

    Your Stamp of Approval

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 20, 2021 29:13

    People are quirky.  We all have strange and interesting habits and interests.  No two people are alike. In fact, most people want to claim their uniqueness, to be seen as unique, an individual — “being your own person." Yet all of us crave one thing:  validation and approval.  We did it in high school ("I am SO different, along with everyone else") and we do it through adulthood. In fact, one of the aphrodisiacs of a relationship is feeling validated, approved, and accepted by the other person.  It is what helps form the bonds early in relationship-building.  It fuels the attraction and connection… love. Does YOUR spouse feel validated and accepted? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, discover how this can make or break a relationship.  Hear the 6 traps that may keep your spouse from feeling validated -- and what to do about it! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: 2 Necessary Feelings The Importance of Connection Are You On The Same Team? Save The Marriage System

    Dealing with Negativity

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 13, 2021

    It happens.  In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity.  A spouse negative about the marriage.  Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage.  You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt). Negativity comes from several sources:  fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity. Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly -- negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage. Is there another alternative? You bet there is! I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome.  Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don't catch it yourself.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: You Need A Plan Dealing With Your Resentment Dealing With Your Spouse's Resentment Grab The Save The Marriage System

    The Anger/Blame/Shame Dance

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 6, 2021

    Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance?? Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3.... No, the dances aren't particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway! One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keeps on repeating. Except that the anger grows. So does the blaming. And so does the feeling of shame! "Why can't I/we figure this out?", they wonder. And then, they dance it again. How can you stop the dance? How can you find better steps? Better ways of moving through life? That is the topic of this podcast episode (listen below). I tell you about those dance steps and why we do them... along with how to make a shift. RELATED RESOURCES Show Up Anger and Resentment (Yours) Anger and Resentment (Your Spouse's) Stepping Up The Save The Marriage System

    Why Your Spouse Doesn’t See A Change

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 29, 2021

    You've been working hard. You've been trying to make some personal changes, growing and expanding yourself. You've been trying to build a connection with your spouse, slowly and steadily. You feel good about what you are doing. You believe you are gaining grown. But then, your spouse doesn't notice any change at all! What happened? Why can't your spouse see the changes? It can be challenging, frustrating, hurtful, and downright defeating. But there is a reason your spouse isn't noticing (or admitting to noticing) the changes. In fact, there are 3 reasons why your spouse doesn't see the changes. Let's take a look at the 3 reasons, and start creating a strategy to make those changes visible. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: "Can Every Marriage Be Saved?" "Can MY Marriage Be Saved?" How One Person Did It! Save The Marriage System

    Limiting Beliefs Limiting Your Marriage

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 22, 2021

    It almost seems redundant, doesn't it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something -- say, for example, your marriage. I say IF you have limited beliefs. Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don't notice them. And we pay a price for that. Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs. Do you think your limiting beliefs MIGHT be limiting your life and your marriage? I'm betting that is the case, since it is true for all of us. Here's the good news: you can change your limiting beliefs. Once you know what they are. And decide to change them Listen below for this week's podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Myths About Marriage (And Saving It) Fears That Hold You Back Is Your Spouse Stuck? Grab The Save The Marriage System

    Are You Dissing Your Marriage? 3 Ways….

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 15, 2021

    I am way too uncool to ever use "Diss" in a conversation. That said, I will drop it into a headline, because I see too many couples "dissing" their relationship, without even meaning to. Distraction, Disinterest, and Disconnection lead to Disrespect of your relationship. And it often becomes habit, usually without you meaning to. The bad news is, these 3 ways you "diss" a relationship eat away at the foundations. The good news is that once you know what you are doing, you can change it. Even turn it around. Learn how you are dissing your marriage, and how to stop in this week's podcast. Listen below. RESOURCES: Power of Connection Marriage Crisis Mistakes to Avoid Why Your Efforts May Be Failing Save The Marriage System

    The Danger of a Shortcut

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 8, 2021 16:48

    I admit it.  The phone call got under my skin.  We were traveling and I answered the call.  The person asked if I was the "save the marriage guy."  I told him I was.  He told me he didn't want my System.  Just the secret, the "short-cut." When I told him he needed the whole System, he said he didn't want to go through all of that.  He just needed the "trick," the short-cut. We went round and round for a couple more minutes. I realized I was not going to convince him, but all the "short-cuts" he had been trying is what got him to here. He hung up, likely still looking for the "short-cut." And I was left thinking.  Wondering.  Pondering. And realizing that there is a distinct difference between being efficient and trying to find the "trick."  Those "tricks" are all the things on the internet about "hypnosis," "reverse psychology," "spells," or any of those other manipulations. You can be efficient in your efforts.  You can be effective in your plan.  But not by taking the "short-cuts" that are really just tricks. Can I tell you more about this?  Listen to the podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES Reverse Psychology is Dangerous No-Contact is Crap Don't Choose Manipulation Grab My Save The Marriage System

    Have You Been “Friend Zoned”?

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 1, 2021 23:55

    I often get a message that goes something like this, “We have been making progress on our marriage.  I've been working hard to reconnect, and think I have done a good job.  But lately, we don't seem to be making any more progress.  Did my spouse Friend Zone me??" Since I have heard this from coaching clients and total strangers, people in my program and listeners of my podcast, I thought I needed to address it. First, let me just say, there is a “Zone” of disconnection and recovery that can feel like a stagnant friend zone.  But is that really what it is? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what people mean when they say “Friend Zoned” or “Roommates Only,” and why it happens.  I also discuss what a healthy marriage looks like.  We dive into the process of connection (along with disconnection and reconnection).  And I talk about why you always pass through this zone… in both directions. Then, we discuss why some people get stuck here.  And we look at how to make sure you don't get stuck. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Book:  How to Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps Program:  Save The Marriage System Coaching:  VIP Program Training:  Why Connection is so Important Training:  How to Resolve the Disconnection

    Is It Time for a Bootcamp??

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 4, 2021 21:39

    I have some friends who have been in different bootcamps this past year.  Most are fitness-oriented… getting back into shape, improving your running, improving your tennis, things like that. Bootcamps are great ways to get up-to-speed as quickly as possible, so you perform better. In the military, people go through bootcamp to get ready to be a soldier.  It is intense and challenging, but designed to get someone ready to face a challenge elsewhere. Bootcamps are a great way to get up-to-speed for what comes next. Which is why I created the Husband Bootcamp. I remember sitting in my office with a couple trying to get back on-track.  They were stumbling and struggling.  Then, she turned toward him and said, “You are a good man.  But you are a bad husband.” It was like a hammer at hit him in the face.  He was embarrassed and upset.  At first, he was angry.  But then, he caught himself, turned to me, and said, “I am doing the best I can… and I am failing.  What can I do?" That started an impromptu bootcamp.  We called it the Husband Bootcamp.  Along with a few others, this was transformational for their marriage. Recently, I decided it was time to bring that to a bigger audience.  We have been working hard to put the finishing touches on things.  But in the meantime, I wanted to give you a little insight on what it is about, who can benefit, and how to jump in (or gift it to your spouse). Listen below for info. RELATED RESOURCES: Get Updates and Info on the Husband Bootcamp HERE Grab the Save The Marriage System Here Learn More About One Person Helping A Marriage Here

    Is It Just Delaying The Inevitable?

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 28, 2021 18:03

    I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable? Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right? Some people do make the effort to save their marriage... but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit... and they gain some ground. But in reality, nothing changed. It's more like cleaning a house that is in disrepair. It looks better, but nothing got fixed. Then, there are others. They decide that they can't go back. They realize the relationship must change. And change it, they do! And save their marriage, they do! The question is really about whether the real change happened, or just a “spring cleaning.” The choice between the two? All yours. Listen to this episode of the podcast for more on making those real changes. RELATED RESOURCES The Goal of Marriage 3 Secrets To Saving The Importance of Connection Your Plan To Save Your Marriage

    4 Reasons Why You Aren’t Saving Your Marriage

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 21, 2021 19:55

    First, let me be clear:  if you are actively saving your marriage, working toward a better relationship... stop reading and go do something else!  This won't apply to you! But if you want to save your marriage... but for some reason, you just can't get moving... hang with me!  YOU are the one that will benefit from this episode.  That "some reason" is what I want to take a look at. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the 4 "F" words that are keeping you from taking action... keeping you from saving your marriage. I discuss 4 reasons why you are stuck and aren't saving your marriage.  Just to be clear, these are the reasons you are stuck... and has nothing to do with what your spouse is doing. Let's be clear about what typically holds people back.  And yes, there may be some other reasons. I want to cover the 4 reasons I see repeatedly. And yes, they can keep you from taking any action. Unless, of course, you find an alternative.  I'll give you that alternative, too. RELATED RESOURCES: Fear and Marriage Your Team for Support Why Does It Matter? Beware of Unhelpful Approaches Save The Marriage System

    Switches or Dials?

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 14, 2021 14:05

    No, this isn't some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature. We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch. This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution... often to complex issues. Particularly when it is a marriage crisis. A marriage -- much less a marriage crisis -- is not an on/off situation, and no simple switch will turn it around. Yet that is what many people want. The solution that is as easy as flipping a switch. Yes, your marriage can be saved and improved, but not with some simple switch.  Instead, think about it as dials. Instead of a master switch, there can be a number of dials. Dialing up connection. Dialing down conflict. Dialing up warmth. Dialing down resentment. We discuss this tendency to look for a switch -- and the need to focus on the dials --  in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection is so Important Dangerous Tricks The No-Contact Rule 3C Approach Save The Marriage System

    Too Self-Centered for Your Marriage?

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 30, 2021 22:53

    "You are just too selfish and self-centered.  That is why we have marriage problems."  Have you heard that before? A listener is wondering if she is too self-centered for her marriage.  I am guessing that her spouse has told her just that.  Maybe even said she is selfish. It is always interesting when I hear this accusation in my office... from both people!  At the same time! Both accuse the other of causing the problems because they are too selfish and self-centered. To be clear, it is entirely possible to be self-centered and selfish... certainly completely out of balance with what is healthy.  And it is possible to be accused of that, but it is really something else. Let's talk about your perspective, what it might mean to be "selfish," and when it might be a problem (along with when it might actually be another problem). Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES WE is the Goal Working on WE, Working on ME Pause-Button Problems Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System

    The Spouse Predicament

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 23, 2021 26:24

    It's a predicament, isn't it?  It would be so much easier to save your marriage... if it weren't for that pesky spouse.  (I jest, but you might actually feel this way.) You make an effort, your spouse resists.  You take a step forward, your spouse takes a step backward... and tries to drag you back, too! What DO you do?  When your spouse is so convinced that nothing can change. Or maybe when your spouse starts to see some possibility... and you don't know what to do, what to share, how to help. Quite the predicament, isn't it? It certainly is for Lauren and Kristine.  They both emailed me questions for the podcast.  Seemingly from different places in the process.  But both were stuck on the Spouse Predicament. Lauren has a spouse who cannot see a way forward, and resists every effort.  Is he being selfish? Should Lauren feel shame that she keeps trying... in spite of his resistance? And Kristine is still stuck in the predicament.  But her spouse is seeing a possibility, a glimmer of hope.  How does Kristine avoid putting out the spark?  How much info to share? The Spouse Predicament.  More closely aligned than it might seem. We work to resolve the predicament on the podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: The Husband Bootcamp Beyond the 3 Barriers Book The Hope Formula Hope and Marriage The Save The Marriage System

    Slow Slide, Then All At Once

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 16, 2021 21:39

    I've seen it so many times.  A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart.  Then, suddenly, it is ending!  Slowly, then all at once. A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending:  they slowly drifted apart. You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat.  I sure didn't.  I've seen it over and over.  Nothing drastic or sudden.  Just slowly disconnecting.  Slowly drifting apart.  And slowly failing. Maybe you hit the Pause Button... and didn't know how dangerous that can be! Maybe it was easier to just ignore the little issues... the ones that are much larger in the face of disconnection. But either way, the ending of a marriage just starts slowly, imperceptibly... until one person finally "can't do it anymore."  And then, the crisis is deep.  Deeper than you knew. How does it work?  I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Importance of Connection The Pause Button Marriage Healing Disconnection The Save The Marriage System

    How to NOT Save Your Marriage

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 9, 2021 22:44

    Are there things that you do that might KEEP you from saving your marriage? Yes. These are pretty common actions people take, not knowing that they are doing MORE damage, and making it even MORE difficult to save their marriage. I wanted to cover these 10 ways you can mess up on saving your marriage, not to point out any mistakes,  but to help you avoid and prevent those mistakes. And if you have already made those mistakes, then start where you are.  Just be sure not to fall back into the same traps and mistakes that likely got you here. Take a listen below and let me know if you have something to add to the list! RELATED RESOURCES 3 C's to Save Your Marriage Why Connection is So Important How to Show Up to Your Marriage Grab the Save The Marriage System  

    Save The Marriage ARC

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 2, 2021 22:10

    Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living -- including in marriage. Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage. In this week's Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can help you address the issues in your marriage. These three principles can help you save your marriage. Just remember the acronym, ARC. Acceptance Responsibility Control Use these three principles as you work to save your marriage. RELATED RESOURCE: Control Responsibility Thrive Principles Save The Marriage System

    The Connection Principle

    Play Episode Listen Later May 26, 2021 49:21

    Connection is the lifeblood of any relationship… and especially a marriage.  When connection is cut off, the relationship falters.  When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk. This concept is the backbone of my approach.  It is the core of my System — restoring the connection. Which is the problem.  Many people push and push for connection, leading to — ironically — even less connection and more push-back. The concept of connection as the most important factor in saving a marriage suddenly hits a wall.  The techniques people use to restore connection lead to DIS-connection, rather than connection. Instead of helping, I notice many people are harming their attempts to save their marriage.  Not from ill-will but misunderstanding. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explore the principle of Connect, Don’t Crowd.  This principle is the 1st of 10 I covered with my VIP Virtual Coaching members.  But it was so important, I wanted to make sure you understand it.  (The other 9 are still available to all VIP members.) Listen below to understand the importance of connection, how to do it, and how to avoid the crowding. RELATED RESOURCES: Connection is the Lifeblood Healing Disconnection Resources Connection on 3 Levels The Save The Marriage System

    How to Avoid a Blow-Up

    Play Episode Listen Later May 19, 2021 19:14

    Slowly, slowly... you are making progress!  You keep working on turning your marriage around... and it is working! Maybe you think it isn't moving fast enough.  Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in... and they start to grow.  You can feel it! But you try hard not to let it out.  To keep on moving forward.  To keep on making connections. Until... Maybe it was something small... Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing... maybe even a big thing!)... And BOOM!  You blow up! You use a tone you wish you hadn't.  You say things you wish you hadn't.  You do things you wish you hadn't. BLOW UP! ... and then it passes. But the damage is done. Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain. So, let's talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up!  It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem. Listen to this week's podcast episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Too Late? Making Up For Mistakes And Backslides Responsibility Showing Up Save The Marriage System

    Your Blame Addiction

    Play Episode Listen Later May 12, 2021 17:24

    Are you and your spouse addicted to blame?  Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse's fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)? Or maybe you are just blaming yourself.  You see this whole mess as YOUR fault. Blame has one single outcome -- STUCK.  It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility). Blame is highly corrosive to connection.  And it freezes up the process of change.  It freezes out any chance for change. And it is unnecessary.  (Oh, and don't fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame.  Blame your spouse or blame yourself.  Same outcome.) Let's break the addiction to blame. And if you are ready, you can grab my Save The Marriage System HERE. OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES Anger and Marriage Healing YOUR Resentment Helping YOUR SPOUSE Heal Resentment The Importance of Connection The Save The Marriage System

    If THEY Can’t, Who Can?

    Play Episode Listen Later May 5, 2021 16:48

    I was busy working on some projects when a news notification popped up on my tablet:  “Bill and Melinda Gates Announce They Are Divorcing.”  Wow, what a power couple!  And they were calling it quits. Whenever this happens, a powerful and successful couple decides to divorce, I hear from a few people.  They look at all of that _______ (you fill in the blank:  money, success, resources, connections, etc.) and wonder, “What chance do I have to save MY marriage, if THEY can’t stay together." I would presume that Bill and Melinda, along with Jeff and MacKenzie and many other mogul couples, could attend any couples retreat, meet with any therapist/coach, and invest in any intervention to save their marriage. But they don’t. Which raises the question for the rest of us… what chance do WE have in our own marriage?  Or more specifically, you can ask, what chance do YOU have in saving YOUR marriage? And what can we learn from the divorces of the rich, successful, and famous? That is what I cover in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast (and let me just be clear, I have not coached or interacted with anyone I mentioned above — although I have had many interactions with very successful people in very unhappy marriages… and the lessons are the same). Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES The Arc of Disconnection The Pause Button Marriage Why Connection Matters Self-Expansion and Marriage The System to Save Your Marriage

    “But What If I CAN’T Save It?”

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 28, 2021 20:32

    Two phone calls the same day.  Both with the same question:  "What if I CAN'T save my marriage?"  One had been working at it for awhile.  The other hadn't started (and was trying to decide whether to even start). It's a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process.  Each has a different meaning.  All share a fear. That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you. This week, I want to take on the question, "What if I can't save it?", because not every marriage can be saved.  (But NONE are saved without action.) Don't let the question trip you up.  Understand what's behind it.  And listen to my answer to the question. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Can This Marriage Be Saved? My Approach and Why It Matters DYWAYADAGWYAG When Your Spouse is Stuck Grab the Save The Marriage System

    “Can You Fall In Love Again?” – Listener Question

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 21, 2021 22:01

    As often as possible, I like to answer listener submitted questions (you can submit YOUR question by CLICKING HERE).  The reason is because if you have a question, it is very likely that someone else has the same (or very similar) question. In this episode, I answer Patrick.  His question is a concern that when a spouse says they fell out of love, and only feel “friends”-type care, that maybe nothing can be done.  Maybe, Patrick wonders, it isn’t possible to get back to love, to return to prior feelings. Can feelings change?  Of course.  They already did.  Which is why you are in a crisis.  At one time, you felt the love. That has shifted, and it can shift again.  Our feelings and levels of connection are always fluctuating and shifting. So, yes feelings of love CAN come back.  But why did they leave?  And what can you do to help them return? I cover those questions… homing in on Patrick’s enquiry for this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Connection Is Lifeblood Healing Disconnection Pause Button Marriage Save The Marriage System

    How Do You Argue?: 3 Modes That Fail

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 14, 2021 21:22

    Do you find yourself stuck in arguments in your marriage that never get anywhere?  Or maybe it is just a matter of useless “discussions”? I was recently reading a book, and the author (Adam Grant) was noting 3 modes of communication that keep us stuck right where we are.  They were not just communication patterns, but thought patterns.  Grant noted there are 3 roles we easily fall into… and 1 mode that gets you out. Here is the problem… the 3 roles that don’t work?  They are so easy to fall into.  In fact, as soon as I read about them, I was quick to see them in people all around me.  I noticed how so many people were interacting with me from those 3 roles. And then, I took a big breath.  Because I needed to do a little self-check… a look in the mirror.  What role(s) do I fall into?  What was MY default? More importantly, how could I make a shift to a better mode? Here’s the thing:  we argue in the attempt to change the perspective or thoughts of another person… and they are doing the exact same thing.  No surprise that there is no change, right?  So we already know that the roles we play in arguing don’t work.  And yet (me looking in the mirror), it is easy to still slip right back into the same pattern.  We continue to do it again.  In hopes of a better outcome. RELATED RESOURCES Adam Grant’s Book, Think Again Connecting is Critical Understanding and Empathy The Dangers of Convincing Save The Marriage System

    NMF: “Not MY Fault!”

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 7, 2021 23:50

    The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage.  Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage.  She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you). She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault.  She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship. NMF She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts.  And she didn't see how she had anything to do with it. NMF When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship.  But I noticed she kept shifting back to "he did...," "he didn't...." She could point out his failures and shortcomings. And then she would return to her question:  Given his actions, how could she save her marriage? NMF I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage.  And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful. Because she had fallen in the NMF trap.  Figured it out yet?  The NMF trap is "Not My Fault." Here is the problem with "Not My Fault":  It leaves you stuck.  It does relieve you of blame or fault.  But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability). Let's talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Show Up How You Hide Choosing To Work Connection Being A WE Save The Marriage System

    Is Your Crisis Hot or Cold?

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 31, 2021 27:46

    Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance?  Hot or cold? Are they really that different?  Or is it all a part of the same process?  And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage? During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each.  In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen. In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me.  Both refused to listen to the other. The underlying issues were the same.  The emotional temperature was different.  Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level.  And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting. What is the difference between the heat and the cold?  How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage?  Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process?  The same path? We explore the difference between hot and cold crises and what to do to turn it around in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection Matters Changing Yourself Learning About Anger Grab the Save The Marriage System

    3 Barriers and Beyond

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 24, 2021 48:41

    For some reason, your spouse just can’t see a way forward.  You want things to be better… you want to save your marriage.  But your spouse can’t (or won’t) see a possibility. Why? There are actually 3 real barriers your spouse might be experiencing.  They just can’t see a way around any or all of the barriers. Those 3 barriers are Hurting, Hopeless, and Helpless.  Emotional struggles are painful — for all involved!  And many times, it just doesn’t seem like there is a way to get help… and that can make you feel helpless.  Add those together, and it can seem pretty helpless. But is it? Not if you can find a way beyond the 3 barriers. In my VIP Program, I provide a weekly training, along with tools and coaching, to help people who are ready to make a real shift in their relationship.  My System is kind of like the white belt training — knowing what you need to know to deal with a basic situation.  VIP is the blue belt, designed for those wanting more effectiveness and efficiency in their efforts. During one of those trainings awhile back, I addressed those 3 barriers.  The training caused such a stir that I wrote a book about it.  But those 3 barriers are so important that you need to know about them, too.  So, I am doing something I don’t do:  I’m giving you access to this VIP training.  It IS a bit longer than my typical podcast, as we go deep (and the book goes deeper). Listen in to learn the 3 barriers, and how to begin to get beyond them. RELATED RESOURCES Beyond the 3 Barriers Book The Save The Marriage System Click to Contact me if you have the System and want to join VIP

    Stages of Crisis Awareness

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 17, 2021 21:07

    In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis.  There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis. This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis.  And just to let you know:  you are NOT at stage 1.  That would be Asleep.  This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble.  You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway. But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage! Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis.  That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis. In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing. Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES FACT of the Crisis Can The Marriage Be Saved? Why It Matters Happy or Hurting? Save The Marriage System

    The 80/80 Marriage

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 10, 2021 48:10

    “Marriage should be 50/50,” many a well-intentioned couple told me before they got married.  I knew they were in trouble.  And for all of the best of intentions!  They wanted to be equals.  Equal responsibility and equal coverage. Which is exactly what was heading them straight toward the trouble. Yes, they had the best of intentions.  And yes, it is a great ideal to want to equally contribute in the relationship. And yes, that headed them straight for trouble. Why? Because they had already signed on to judge each other on fairness.  If it was 50-50, both people would surely be watching to make sure their 50% was matched by their spouse’s 50%. And interestingly, the likelihood of both making the same estimate of 50% was 0%. This is exactly the situation that my guests, Kaley and Nate Klemp, found themselves in.  And it started early in their marriage… highlighted by an argument over shoes at the door!  But that same struggle threatened their marriage… highlighted by an argument over who should pick up their child from daycare!  (These are the same level of arguments that often show the fault lines for many other couples… not big ones, but tiny chips from their foundation that add up to an unstable base.) But Kaley and Nate decided to do something about it.  They decided to do some research. (While this is not a likely response for many couples, the good news is, Nate and Kaley not only interviewed lots of people, they wrote a book about it!)  What they discovered is there are three models of marital involvement.  One is fairly outdated, and the second is often infected by the first.  It is also the pattern that appears fair, 50/50.  That one fails for most couples. And that led to Nate and Kaley presenting a third model.  In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down to discuss the models with both Nate and Kaley.  They tell me about their own struggles, the different models, and how to shift toward a better model. Their approach has many similarities to my own work, but brings some important facets out for listeners to consider.  Learn about the 3 models, and how to make a shift (even with a reluctant spouse) in this episode. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Nate and Kaley’s Website (for newsletter and book) Marriage is NOT 50/50 Episode Your Spouse is NOT Your Enemy Episode Save The Marriage System

    The 2 Necessary Feelings

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 3, 2021 20:40

    Feelings.  We all have them. What we feel, and how we make others feel. Sometimes, we have the wrong feelings.  And we try to get away from those feelings. In a relationship in trouble, you can guarantee that someone is not feeling the way that he or she wants to feel.  So, that person tries to get away from what is making them feel that way. Unfortunately, that "something" is more a "someone," the spouse. Are YOU making your spouse feel something that is causing him or her to want to get away? There are 2 primary feelings that must be in a strong relationship.  The opposite of those feelings tend to push couples apart. Those 2 feelings? Feeling wanted. Feeling accepted. You may not feel wanted or accepted.  If you are working on saving and improving your relationship, let me suggest you set that aside for now.  Focus on how you can help your spouse feel wanted and accepted. In this podcast episode, I talk about these feelings (and their opposites) and 3 ways you may be hurting those feelings for your spouse. Join me as we explore these 2 necessary feelings and 3 ways we hurt those feelings. RELATED RESOURCES Connection is the Lifeblood Restoring Connection Where DID Those Feelings Go? Save The Marriage System

    Out of Nowhere?

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 24, 2021 25:25

    Many times, people tell me that their marriage was doing just fine (well, at least OK), and then it was in trouble, “All at once,” that they “didn’t see it coming,” and that others thought they “were the ‘perfect couple’ — then this.”  In fact, many people tell me about love notes and loving cards last year, last month, even last week. What happened?  How could the marriage fall about, seemingly out of nowhere? The simple answer is, it didn’t. Marriage crises do not come out of nowhere, and are far less sudden than you might think. As one divorce attorney put it, marriages “fall apart little by little, then all at once.” The hurts, pains, disconnections, lost opportunities, and slights build up over time.  And suddenly, they hit a threshold.  I call it the Threshold Problem.  You didn’t see the threshold coming, until it hits.  Until the marriage runs out of gas.  Then, you have a hard time seeing how you got to the threshold.  So it looks like it was out of the blue, out of nowhere. But it wasn’t.  It didn’t happen overnight.  And saving it won’t happen overnight.  That is possible, slowly at first, as long as you move with intention in that direction. Learn more about why a marriage crisis is not “out of nowhere” in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES

    Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe You Can Change

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 17, 2021 20:41

    You've been working hard to reconnect and change yourself.  You're proud of your efforts.  But your spouse just isn't buying. For whatever reason, your spouse just does not trust the changes -- or maybe doesn't even see the changes! Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall?  Like nothing you are doing is making a difference?  Like your spouse has already judged you and won't allow themselves to see something different? In this episode, I will be discussing several reasons why your spouse isn't willing or able to see a change.  Included are the times your spouse might acknowledge that there has been a change, but doesn't trust that the change will last. Does that describe your situation?  If so, please listen.  I also discuss how to shift this dynamic in your favor. RELATED RESOURCES How to Stay in the Game Don’t Try to Make, Get, or Cause Healing A Spouse’s Resentments Why Connection Is So Important Save The Marriage System

    Therapy or Bust!

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 10, 2021 22:19

    We had been talking for at least half an hour.  I was discussing some thoughts about her marriage problems as she was trying to figure out what to do.  I noted where the problems started and how she might start repairing. Fact is, that is why people are on my website, listen to my podcast, grab my System, or seek me out.  They want a loving, connected relationship and right now, it has problems they can’t quite solve.  But they know something has to change, or they are headed for deeper problems and even divorce.  So, I work hard to show a way forward. I was pretty open with my concerns about therapy with this caller.  She had heard my podcasts on the subject and knew I had major reservations.  (Statistics are pretty clear on this topic.) Which is why I was a bit surprised when she asked, “So, could you recommend a therapist?" Okay, admittedly, I was not overly surprised.  I get the same request on a regular basis.  That, in spite of my clear discussions about marriage therapy issues, problems, and limitations.  (And yes, I was trained as a marriage therapist.  Yes, I have lots of therapist friends.  Yes, I am even married to one.  And yes, I still have concerns.) I guess I was more surprised because we had, even just five minutes earlier, discussed my concerns.  Yet, here we were.  Looking for a therapist. “Therapist or Bust,” it would seem! Did I recommend a therapist?  Nope.  Because I don’t do that.  For several reasons.  I discuss my concerns and reasons on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  I look at why we default to a method that has pretty poor outcome results.  I look at some basic problems with the therapy approach, and discuss when therapy does make sense.  Avoid the traps and you are well ahead of the game! Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Therapy is Dangerous Myths of Marriage Therapy Other Myths About Saving Your Marriage Getting Help for Your Marriage Save The Marriage System

    Knocked Down, Back Up

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 3, 2021 26:43

    You started working on saving your marriage.  Good for you! And then, you hit a bump.  You get knocked down.  Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional.  Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset.  Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s. And it knocks you down. Enough that you think it is over.  That you are at the end. But are you?  Or do you need to get back up? In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth.  I fall for that myth all the time.  I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward.  Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn. And guess what?  The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage. We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.   RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Discouragement You Need A Plan Not A Wish, A Plan Your Support Team Do You Need Coaching? Coaching Resource Page Save The Marriage System

    “No Closer!” — Stuck?

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 27, 2021 19:04

    What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant?  More distant than you would like? Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection? Is that the relationship you are stuck with?  Some connection.  Still married.  But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want? That is the question posed to me.  Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation.  But now, some time later, after his return, the connection is not where it needs to be.  It isn’t where Mary wants it to be. What do you do, Mary wonders?  Accept it?  Make peace with the fact that her spouse does not want an intimate relationship with her? I delve into Mary’s question (which may also be your question) about what to do when the connection is still not there, even after some improvement.  I suggest 3 steps for Mary (and perhaps you) to take.  And yes, we start at acceptance.  But that is not about giving up! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Yet Connection and Disconnection 3 Levels of Connection Acceptance - What IS That? Save The Marriage System

    “I Want to Save My Marriage” Q & A

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 20, 2021 35:59

    In previous podcast episodes, I have answered questions submitted by listeners.  In fact, I still do.  You can email your questions by clicking here.  But since this podcast goes to listeners around the world, submitted questions need to be a) applicable to others, and b) not so broad that it is impossible to answer in a simple episode. But then, there are the short questions.  Both in the question and the needed response. So, in this episode, I round up the short questions, so I can address them all. All of them, though, started with this: “I want to save my marriage!" Most of the questions demonstrated the beginning point of learning… not even knowing the question to ask, but knowing what you want.  The senders knew they wanted to save their marriage, but weren’t sure even where to start and what to ask. But here is the important thing:  the questions still apply to you, whether you are at the same point or further along.  Listen in to hear my response to questions like where to start, what about some tricks/hints, what to do if a spouse isn’t interested, what a plan might look like, how long this process might help, and what to do now. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Can A Marriage Be Saved? Why You Need a Plan Why Your Spouse is Resisting How Long Does a Crisis Last? Why Fear is a Problem Grab the Save The Marriage System HERE

    From Apology to Reconciling

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 13, 2021 23:27

    You have already journeyed to here.  Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain.  Maybe your connection has gone cold.  But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different. Somewhere better. It may seem cliche, but it is a journey.  And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way. Many times, people think (and want) it to be a linear path, stopping along the way, but arriving at the end, reconciled and in love. Those four big stops? Apology Forgiving Trusting Reconciling Many assume that one follows the other, just points along the road.  But it is more like a subway system that might arrive at one station, having never paused at another.  You may pass one or more, or even arrive at each one, seemingly out of order. In reality, each of those four stops are distinct and separate.  They can happen separate from, or even without, the other stops. Let’s talk about these four stops in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES What’s Your Apology? Ready to Forgive? What is Trust? Save The Marriage System (remember to grab your free week of VIP!)

    Staying in the Game

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 6, 2021 17:34

    You might feel like "tapping out," or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away. It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse.  You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship.  But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back. How do you "stay in the game?" Partly, it is mental.  But there are also some things you can do to help you shift perspective, keep your patience, and keep on moving forward.  Let me share some strategies on how to "Stay in the Game" in this week's podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES “This Will Never Work” - What To Do What’s Your Plan? DWYADAGWYAG There IS No “Try” Book - Marriage Failpoint:  Why Marriages Fail Save The Marriage System

    What’s Your Plan?

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 30, 2020 26:44

    We are about to turn the page on the calendar.  For me, that means a look forward.  What will the new year hold?  What will I bring into the new year?  Either it happens to you or you make it happen. So what will we make happen? I just finished doing some research with people who have used my System, been clients, or in my programs. They divided into two groups:  those who succeeded in saving their marriage, and those who failed. My task was to determine what made the difference.  They all had the basic information from me on what went wrong and what needs to happen to make it right.  So, what made the difference above the basic information?  What, beyond my System, made a difference? As it turned out, there were 5 key factors.  I shared the full research with my VIP members last week.  But one piece reigned supreme.  In fact, it made the other 4 work. The key factor?? A plan. I discuss what that is all about in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below to understand more about the plan, and how to have a SMART plan.   RELATED RESOURCES Why You Need A Plan DWYADGWYAG Habits Series on Thriveology One Word Resolution on Thriveology Grab The Save The Marriage System Here

    Ghosts of Relationship Past

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 23, 2020 14:28

    Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year?  I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year.  And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol.  This year, I want to offer a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past.  Yep.  Christmas, with new opportunities.  Here it is: Christmas Eve.  Chris and Holly have settled into bed.  Neither can sleep.  It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads. Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past.  Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure. What happened?  Where did their relationship fall into trouble? Can they find their way back? First, they will have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night. Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship?  Is there a path through the pain? Listen in below as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship.     NEED MORE HELP?  GRAB THE SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM RIGHT HERE

    Caught In A Triangle

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 16, 2020 19:47

    Basic geometry, right?  The triangle?  Just three points and three lines connecting.  Simple.  A building block for geometric shapes of all kinds. And yet, in the context of relationships… it is detrimental.  Not a building block at all.  In fact, it undermines relationships. Yet, we find ourselves caught in triangles all the time.  Or more accurately, we are caught in triangles all the time.  We may not find ourselves, though, unless we know what to look for. During the last couple of weeks, I have been providing some deep training for my Virtual Intensive Program members about the Dysfunctional Triangle, the roles involved, how it works, why it is so destructive, and how to escape. That information is just too deep and in-depth to provide in a podcast.  But I did want to give you the basic concept of a triangle, so you can identify it. RELATED RESOURCES Communication Issues?  Nope The Importance of Showing Up Can Your Marriage Be Saved? Save The Marriage System (be sure and grab your free week of VIP)

    “I Saved My Marriage!”

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 9, 2020 35:21

    Many times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next. When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action. And things continue in the downward spiral. So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination -- a little Jedi mind trick.  Imagine that you DID save your marriage.  You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage.  You look forward to spending time together.  Your issues resolve themselves peacefully and effectively. Now, you are looking back to see what you did, in order to save your marriage.  You notice how you approached the situation, how you dealt with the issues, and how you moved forward -- even in the face of frustration and difficulties. In today's podcast, we reflect on "what you did" to save your marriage -- and by doing that, we create a path for you to do just that:  Save Your Marriage. Listen below. (and if you are ready to take action, CLICK HERE FOR MY SYSTEM)

    Rewriting the Past

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 2, 2020 17:36

    Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it?  Your "created past."  What is that? We all do it.  We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us.  When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected, they remember connection.  When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection. We rewrite the past, based on the present situation.  Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been. If you are wondering why your spouse can't remember the happier times, can't remember the passion, can't remember the connection, this is it.  The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection. Let's talk more about this in the podcast below: RELATED RESOURCES: Connection And Marriage Perceptions In Marriage Fears In Marriage Restoring Your Marriage

    Marriage Lie #5: Your Spouse Should Make You Happy

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 25, 2020 19:51

    You were probably very happy when you got married.  You believed the happiness would always be there.  And now, your spouse is saying, “I’m not happy.”  Embedded in that seems to be some idea that you are the cause of it.  That you failed at keeping your spouse happy. No surprise.  Many people fall for this lie.  They don’t know it is a lie.  They believe it.  That a spouse should make you happy. Somehow, it is in the job description for a spouse.  They should make you happy. There is only one (little) problem with this… it is impossible! You can’t make your spouse happy.  And your spouse can’t make you happy. Sure, you can certainly make each other miserable.  But happy?  Nope.  Not possible. Even if you thought you made each other happy before.  Sure, you may have been happy.  And your relationship may have seemed to be a source of joy.  But your spouse couldn’t and didn’t make you happy (nor could/did you make your spouse happy). It is an impossibility.  But it is one of the major lies people believe about marriage. Which is why people are in trouble when they realize that a spouse is not making them happy.  Instead of seeing it for what it is… a lie… they think it is a failure of the spouse — even of the marriage!  Proof that the marriage is headed for failure. Except, it was all a lie.  Not the marriage!  The belief that a spouse would make you happy (and vice versa). Don’t believe the lie!  Learn the truth in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES: Lie #1: If It’s Work, It’s Wrong Lie #2:  Spouse Should Meet Your Needs Lie #3:  Disagreement Is A Sign Of Trouble Lie #4:  Marriage Is 50/50 Grab The Save The Marriage System

    Marriage Lie #4: Marriage is 50 / 50

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 18, 2020 29:07

    Equal partnership.  That is what a marriage is about, when it is healthy.  Right? Right?? Nope.  Just another marriage lie. Oh, not on purpose!  Nope, these marriage lies are not intentional.  Just not true.  Unfortunately, as people repeat them, they believe them.  And those beliefs have consequence.  They can eat away at the foundations of a marriage, simply because the lie is believed.  So, actions are taken on a false belief. For example, with this lie… if you believe that marriage is 50/50, an equal partnership… and you decide your spouse is not putting in their 50, then you have reason for upset.  Reason for demands.  Reason for feeling taken advantage of. Here is the TL;DR:  marriage is NOT 50/50.  It is all in/all in. But to understand more about why marriage is not 50/50… and to discover what it really is… and how that changes things, listen to the episode below. RELATED RESOURCES: Lie #1:  If you struggle, it’s wrong Lie #2:  Your spouse should meet all your needs Lie #3:  Conflict is a sign of trouble Immutable Laws of Marriage Series Grab the Save The Marriage System

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