The Save The Marriage Podcast

Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis.  But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful. Let's backtrack just a minute.  What is Crisis Clarity? Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage.  Maybe you asked about it.  Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track. Then suddenly, the crisis emerges.  You learn about an affair.  Your spouse gives you the "love you, not in love with you" speech.  Your spouse wants to separate.  You get divorce papers.  Or... fill in the blank ____________. It is no longer a theoretical problem. It is a full-blown crisis! And that crisis gets your attention.  Your FULL attention. That is Crisis Clarity. Yes, it can be helpful.  And it can also be harmful. How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity?  I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Pause Button Marriage Why Connection Matters Having a Plan No Contact is Crap Grab the System Grab The Repair Checklist

I can't count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.”  Funny thing is, they communicate just fine. Then why are they stuck in conflict?  Why are they disconnected?  Why does it seem like they aren't on the same team? Viewpoints.  About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict. And because they have decided to prove their viewpoint to their spouse.  That is very dangerous.  Rarely is it successful, but always is it damaging. There are 2 underlying issues that affect this:  being a WE and being connected.  How strong is your sense of WE, and how connected are you?  When you don't feel like you are on the same team and/or are feeling disconnected, it is far harder to communicate about the differences in perception.  More than that, you are unlikely to prove your connection to your spouse… especially when disconnected, but almost always. How do you solve it? We discuss what to do in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES 3 Dimensions of Connection All About Being A WE Role of Conflict Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System Tools for Saving Your Marriage

At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis.  Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things. And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things. Where we focus is what gets our attention.  Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment. That can head you right toward disaster and further discord.  And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage. "Rowing harder doesn't help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction." Kenichi Ohmae There are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst.  And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention. Focus on the right areas to make progress in your marriage crisis. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection Matters 3 Levels of Connection Dealing with Infidelity Save The Marriage System

The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage.  Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage.  She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you). She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault.  She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship. NMF She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts.  And she didn't see how she had anything to do with it. NMF When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship.  But I noticed she kept shifting back to "he did...," "he didn't...." She could point out his failures and shortcomings. And then she would return to her question:  Given his actions, how could she save her marriage? NMF I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage.  And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful. Because she had fallen in the NMF trap.  Figured it out yet?  The NMF trap is "Not My Fault." Here is the problem with "Not My Fault":  It leaves you stuck.  It does relieve you of blame or fault.  But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability). Let's talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Show Up How You Hide Choosing To Work Connection Being A WE Save The Marriage System Save The Marriage Toolkit - Resources

Have you done an online search for info on how to save your marriage?  Were you overwhelmed with the results?? And the crazy amount of different approaches?? How do you sort through them?  How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing? It's like looking for a needle in a haystack. And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good.  And many times, you don't even know who it is that is giving you the information.  What are their qualifications?  How do they even approach it? I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed.  And to be honest, there weren't many places to look for stuff.  I remember when Google started.  That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results.  Still a lot. But far more manageable. With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm.  Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start.  Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything is better than nothing.  And others will stumble upon approaches that do more harm than good.  There are two that are particularly prevalent.  And at best, not helpful. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you 3 criteria to use in judging any information, and I dismantle 2 common (and dangerous) approaches to “saving” your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Reverse Psychology as an Approach No Contact is Crap Why I STILL Believe in Marriage Why I do this Work Therapy Problems Save The Marriage System

Does your brain help or hinder your efforts to save your marriage? If you are like most people, your brain is actually a barrier in your efforts.  It keeps you stuck in old, unhelpful patterns.  And some of those pre-date even your marriage. Unfortunately, most people just don't have an "owner's manual" for their brain... and how it is running.  Which is too bad.  We could all use some upgrades and some rewiring.  Which is the good news.  Our brain IS capable of rewiring.  We ARE capable of growing, changing, and evolving. Which is why I wanted to have John Assaraf on my podcast.  John is a student of neuroscience, which he brings into his work as a coach and trainer.  He is also the author of a number of books.  And he is a darn good communicator about his ideas. These ideas are what I want you to take away.  They help you to find better ways of being, of thinking, and of relating.  Listen below to my interview with John.   RELATED RESOURCES John's Website (with free ebook for you) Innercise (check out the app) STM Podcast:  4 Fears That Halt Your Efforts Save The Marriage System

Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo?  That crazy spot where you can't move forward, but aren't ending things?  Is it a spouse who has you stuck there? Well, that was the situation for “J.”  He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away. He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn't know what to do, and didn't know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship. What should he do?? I respond to J's question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  And it may just be where you find yourself, too.  Not able to move forward, but not ready to walk away. How do you deal with “Limbo”?  We discuss it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: 3 C's of Saving Your Marriage 3 A's in Your Control 3 Levels of Connection Save The Marriage System

Maybe you have heard these lines: "Love should just happen." "This is just too much work." "I'm not feeling it, so it must not be true love." "I just don't feel the attraction/excitement I used to feel.  Something is wrong." Have you ever been told something so many times that you begin to doubt yourself?  You begin to believe what the other person (an upset spouse, friends, family, etc.) says -- even if it goes against what you (think you) believe. Our notions about love are like that.  And unfortunately, those romanticized notions of love are what we grow up on.  We are fed them by movies, books, songs, and culture. But Authentic Love is different.  It is not devoid of romance.  It is just not based on it.  Romanticized love is based on 4 unsustainable elements.  Authentic Love is based on 4 sustainable elements, and in your control. "I'm not feeling it" is not a reason to end a marriage.  It is a reason to reconsider the working definition of love. Don't be sucked in by the view of love in the movies, in the books, in songs, and that others around you might have.  It is dangerous, and misguided. (No, I am not against romance -- unless it is used as the "litmus test" of a relationship.  Otherwise, it is great!) Listen to the podcast below. RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST: Interview with Bob Grant The Save The Marriage System

Let me say it here, in writing:  I am NOT opposed to marital therapy.  I am quite concerned, however, on how marital therapy happens now.  I am concerned about the effectiveness of marital therapy.  And I am concerned for people who blindly seek out marital therapy, expecting it to help. If you don't know it, my training and background is as a marriage and family therapist.  I spent years, and several degrees, preparing to be a marriage therapist. And I was pretty disillusioned to see how ineffective marital therapy, overall, has been shown to be.  Statistics are about the bigger view, not the specific therapist with a specific couple.  But from the overall view, according to meta analysis of studies, about 75% of people who go to marital therapy still divorce.  Only around 10-15% report a positive help. Now, you see my issues.  Why, if this is the primary way of helping a marriage, is it so ineffective?  Three reasons:  1) Therapist training, 2) Therapist orientation, 3) Client resistance. Listen in to this podcast to understand the issues.  Then, you can make a better choice about whether therapy makes sense, how to find a good therapist, and how to make sure you and your spouse are truly ready for therapy. (And if you aren't, that doesn't mean there is nothing you can do!  That is why I created the Save The Marriage System, and why we offer Relationship Coaching.)  

Many times, I watch couples caught in a spiral of accusations, each convinced of maliciousness on the part of their spouse.  But I don't think that is actually it. In fact, many times, both people in front of me seem to be hurting, but not malicious. Which is why it seems so clear to me that maliciousness is not (usually) the issue. I have that "usually" in there, because there are abusive relationships... in which case, someone is actually malicious (and that marriage should not be saved, at least at that time). You may be familiar with Occam's Razor.  Well, there are other "razors."  For example, Hanlon's Razor states, "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."  Which has led me to Baucom's Razor:  "No need to attribute to malice what is actually the result of neglect." In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss how we get to this point of neglect, why it is so detrimental, and why it matters that you see Baucom's Razor in process.  And of course, all of that is aimed to help you reverse the damage and save your marriage. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection Matters The Pause Button to Avoid The Save The Marriage System

Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness.  I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast. And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving.  "Every-day forgiving" and big-time forgiving.  In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other's feelings, make bad decisions -- and still have to figure out how to move forward.  You do that by forgiving. BUT (and this is a big BUT, which is why I capitalized it and bolded it) that does not mean the "forgiven" has carte blanche to keep up the behavior that required the forgiving. (By the way, not to chase a tangent, but did you know that carte blanche means "white card" or "blank card," meaning a check that is blank, but has been signed?  In other words, a "blank check.") When someone is forgiven, it is not permission to do "it" (whatever the "it" is that causes the need for forgiveness).  Forgiving is a decision to move forward.  It may or may not include moving forward in relationship.  But it is deciding to move forward in the face of something that happened. There is a saying that "the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice." I would add, "the third time, on, it is a habit."  Forgiving something is not an open opportunity to repeat the behavior. Similarly, an apology is not an opportunity to repeat the behavior.  It is an acknowledgement of a mistake and an opportunity for change. One apologizes AND takes the opportunity to change (I have a podcast on apologizing).  One forgives, SO THAT the hurt and pain can be left behind. Listen to the podcast below for more. (. . . and if you need to catch up on the Immutable Laws Of Marriage series, here are the older episodes:) Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series #1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE #2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery) #3 We ALL Have Fear #4 There Is NO Pause #5 Connection Is The Lifeblood #6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress #7 Love Is What You Do #8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse #9 You Have To Show Up #10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice #11 Trust Is A Gift

I used to notice how often an engaged couple would become so focused on getting married -- the wedding -- that they had a hard time focusing on what the process of being married would be. The reason this concerned me is because I know what happens next. And unless they make a shift, their marriage will hit a disconnect event, a moment of hurt. At the other end... when a marriage is hurting and in trouble, I watch as people once again focus on an event or a moment.  Perhaps it was that moment when a spouse says, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."  Or perhaps it is an event, like separation or even divorce. Those events and moments hurt.  But they provide no path back to a loving and connected marriage.  To get there, you need to focus on something else, not the moment or the event. Let's talk about where to shift your focus, and where, so that you can restore your marriage. RELATED RESOURCES: The Save The Marriage System The Importance of Connection 3C's of Restoring Dangers of The Pause Button

There are lots of mistakes people make in their efforts to save their marriage.   This particular mistake is what I consider to be the 3rd biggest.  I hear it in the questions people send me every single week. In fact, I hear this mistake probably 3 or more times each day.  And here is the sad thing:  the mistake is made with all the best of intentions. . . and all the worst of results. Like all mistakes, it is avoidable.  (If something is unavoidable, it can't be a mistake; a mistake always has an alternative that could avoid the mistake.) I am betting you have made this mistake.  (I have.)  My hope is that, once I point it out, it will be so obvious that you will not repeat it. RELATED RESOURCES: 3 Problems With Marital Therapy Avoid The 3 A's Separation:  Will It Help? Why Your Spouse Doesn't Believe You Will Change "I've Changed" and 3 Other Things NOT To Say Grab the Save The Marriage System

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it.  Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game.  Or even a trick for a better pancake.  A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won't work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick.  Nothing wrong with asking.  But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick.  You need an approach.  You need a system.” But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point.  Most people just don't know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks.  And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis. When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before. And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage. In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT.  We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward. Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W's), and your action plan (3 C's) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis. RELATED RESOURCES Connection is Vital You Need a Plan 3 C Approach 3 Levels of Connection Save The Marriage System

I know it hurts.  And I know that the pain, the anger, and the frustration can get you to act in ways that are not helpful. Lots of people are not sure about what TO do (which is why I created the Save The Marriage System). But they may be less clear on what they should STOP doing. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about 5 very common, very unhelpful, things I see people do when they are trying to save their marriage. And unfortunately, they get the exact opposite of what they want.  They want to have a spouse want to work on things, pivot away from separation or divorce, and return to the marriage.  Instead, they get distance and a hardened belief that there is no other option than ending things. Which is why you DON'T want to fall into any of these 5 traps. Oh, and I will also let you in on 3 things you should be doing (none requires your spouse to participate -- at the beginning).   RELATED RESOURCES: The Save The Marriage System Why Connection Matters The No Contact Rule Crap Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage

So, what DO you do when apathy strikes?  It might be YOUR apathy.  But more likely, it will be your spouse's apathy. (And it might be both of you!) It just seems there is no emotion, no care, no concern. What IS apathy? What does it mean? Why does it happen? And most importantly, what can you do about it? This week, we explore dealing with YOUR apathy, then dealing with YOUR SPOUSE'S apathy. RELATED RESOURCES You Are The Best Tool Dealing With Disconnection "Too Little, Too Late"? Start With What Is You Need A Plan 3 C's Of Saving Your Marriage Dealing With Anxiety No Contact Is Crap No Reverse Psychology Interview with Gary Chapman Save The Marriage System

Have you ever been sucked into a situation or argument, then realized your actions were not what you wanted? There is that split second, that pause, where you get to choose your response. Many people miss that split second, telling themselves, "I had no choice.  I was just reacting." But deep down, we know that is not the case.  We have a choice on how to respond.  If you miss that choice, you will regret the reaction. How do you choose? Let's talk about that in this week's podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Be On The Same Team Argument Fails Your Fail Points The Save The Marriage System

“It's your choice,” I reassured her.  It was a call I picked up between sessions.  The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn't sure if she could keep it up.  She wasn't sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting.  She wanted to know what I thought…. I didn't need to convince her either way.  It really was her choice.  Should she walk away or should she keep working on it?  Only she could answer. My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision.  She was discouraged. (Which is an interesting word, denoting she had lost courage… and she was coming to me to be encouraged — to gain courage — to act one way or the other.) To be fair, the process of saving your marriage is emotional, heart-wrenching, painful, frustrating, and exhausting… before it turns the corner.  Is it worth it? That was her choice.  The Choice.  To work on it or to walk away. Maybe it is all just getting to people this week… winter keeps on coming, crises seem to be everywhere, politics is unavoidable… and then there is that marriage crisis! Navigating all of that, staying afloat, and continuing to push forward is just tough. Which leads to the choice.  Work on it or walk away? RELATED RESOURCES Resistant Spouse Can Every Marriage Be Saved? The 4th C “Give It To Me Straight” Save The Marriage System

I wish this only happened every now and then. Imagine, for a second, that someone is working on saving their marriage.  In this case, they have chosen  to use my System.  And they are making progress! (Yay!) Then... they decide to do something else... add something on... try to "spice up" their approach.  And suddenly, their efforts fall apart. The other day, I was talking with someone who falls into this approach.  Making great progress using my material.  Then losing all progress when they added on some more "save your marriage" stuff they found on the internet. "I guess your approach doesn't work," this person said.  I pointed out that my approach was, in fact, working... until they stopped using it and went with pretty much the exact opposite of what I recommend. No surprise, but their spouse was confused.  And this person said, "I don't get it!  It was supposed to save my marriage!" I asked, "Did you 'look under the hood' to see what was behind that approach?  Did you wonder if it is compatible with what you were already doing?"  I knew the answer before I asked, and I could tell I was correct from the confused "umm... I... well... uh... what do you mean?" that I heard back. Let me be the first to say, there is some great information out there on saving your marriage. And there is also a lot of steaming piles of

One more argument.  One more struggle.  They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to... win... well, to be honest, I don't know what they were trying to win.  Because they were not winning at marriage! I stopped them, looked at them and said, "You do know you are on the same team..." and they stared blankly at me, so I continued, "... right??" They certainly were not working like a team.  They were acting like enemies, in competition with each other.  They were struggling to win.  But either one "winning" would be a "lose" for the marriage. Too many people miss this one essential -- crucial -- fact about marriage... you both are on the same team.  You are working toward a common goal (or should be).  The task is not winning as an individual, but as a team, as a couple, as a family. This is the fundamental point of being what I call a "WE."  WE are in this together; WE stand side-by-side; WE have each other's back; WE are a team!  Same side, same direction (or should be). Listen to this episode for how to get on the same team! RELATED RESOURCES: Connecting Being A WE Conflict Save The Marriage System  

Fears. They can certainly derail us humans! But what about relationship fears?  Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships? Yep, we all have them.  2 basic fears.  And those 2 fears?  They pull against each other.  One can trigger the other in couples.  We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other.  And when that fear is triggered, it often triggers the opposite fear in a spouse. Which, by the way, increases the fear in the other. Those two fears? Fear of Intimacy Fear of Abandonment Let's talk about what those fears are about, why we have them, what triggers them, and why it becomes such an issue in marriage. RELATED RESOURCES Fears That Get In Your Way Importance of Connection 3 Simple Step Book Save The Marriage System

Games should be fun.  But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun. These are patterns of interaction and communication. The design is to get a need met.  But behind it is a dysfunction.  It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects.  It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs.  It may be a false expectation of how things should be.  But somewhere is a false belief. And that false belief -- along with the effort to fulfill that belief -- is what leads to the (destructive) game. Are you playing one of these games? RELATED RESOURCES You Need To Show UP! Connection Matters Save The Marriage System  

Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance?  Hot or cold? Are they really that different?  Or is it all a part of the same process?  And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage? During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each.  In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen. In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me.  Both refused to listen to the other. The underlying issues were the same.  The emotional temperature was different.  Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level.  And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting. What is the difference between the heat and the cold?  How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage?  Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process?  The same path? We explore the difference between hot and cold crises and what to do to turn it around in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection Matters Changing Yourself Learning About Anger Grab the Save The Marriage System

Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!"  Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault.  Are you the problem? Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that.  People search about that on my blog.  People write me to ask that same question.  Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question. So, what is the truth? Are you the problem?  Did you cause the problem?  Does that even help the problem? Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time... frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault.  They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation. And rarely is that accurate, or even fair. Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere. Let's talk about this from a couple of perspectives.  One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame.  The other is a much more practical "what do I do?" perspective.  Both get us to a better place than simply asking, "Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?" Listen below as I tackle the question:  "Am I the Problem?" RELATED RESOURCES Showing Up Blame & Shame Ruining Today with Yesterday How To NOT Save Your Marriage How TO Save Your Marriage -- System

Miranda asked me, “What do I do?  My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I'm losing hope, too." A while back, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond.  One of those barriers is hopelessness. But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope? There is an equation of hope:  hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there. If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless.  Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can't see a way to take action. There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn't really hope.  So, let's talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward. Listen to the episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Book, Beyond the 3 Barriers — Covers hopelessness! Save The Marriage System Coaching Services Moving Forward… One Way or the Other Stuck in the Negative The Fatal Triangle

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday. And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here. A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd." What a loss!  She would be losing out!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing. Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered. My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday. I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis. Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES Gratitude and Marriage How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage Ghosts of Marriage Past Holidays and Marriage Save The Marriage System

"In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it," Claire wrote. I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.) Here is what happened:  Claire wanted to save her marriage.  Her husband thought it was over.  Claire convinced him to go to therapy.  But then, near the end of the first session (and as it turns out, the only session), the therapist turned to Claire and announced that the marriage was over and she needed to accept it. Claire was shocked.  No efforts to work on the relationship. No discussion on what might be possible.  Just a declaration that the marriage was over... not from her husband, but from the therapist! I only wish this was the first time to have heard pretty much the same story... but I have heard it over and over.  Does a therapist have a right to announce that divorce is inevitable? Should a therapist work on the relationship first? Let's talk about 3 dangers that come up for therapy... and what to do about them. RELATED RESOURCES Can Therapy Help? The Dangers of Marital Therapy Myths of Marital Therapy What Your Therapist Won't Tell You Am I Against Therapy? How To Start System To Save Your Marriage CLICK TO EMAIL A QUESTION  

I know.  It's tempting.  Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it.  Maybe your friends would be good to tell.  Or maybe your family can listen.  Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to "talk some sense" into your spouse. Don't.  Stop.  Think again before you share. Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt you can cause other problems when things turn around. You may be thinking that you will only be telling to get support and love.  And you might get support.  But that support likely includes siding with you.  And if someone sides with you, they will likely side against your spouse. When you talk to someone about a problem with someone else, you create a "triangle," to use a term from communication experts.  And that triangle may feel good and feel more stable.  But it complicates the original conflict and issues. And that often serves to further undermine the relationship... along with the chances for recovery. Does that mean that you can't get help and support? Nope.  You just want to go about getting support the right way. I discuss the reasons why NOT to tell others about your marriage problems in this week's podcast episode... along with who TO tell.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Conflict and Marriage Communication Is Not The Issue Anxiety and Anger in a Crisis Chronic To Crisis Save The Marriage System

You want to save your marriage. Right? That is why you are here, right?  So, what might get in your way?  How might you fail in your efforts? Let me be clear:  in this podcast episode, I discuss 3 ways YOU may fail at your efforts.  This isn't about why your efforts will fail, because of a spouse... or family... or an affair... or anything outside of, well, you. Which is why this episode is so important for you.  The 3 ways you may fail, they are all about choices and decisions you can make.  You have control. But first, you need to know about these 3 ways you may fail.  I'll tell you what they are, and how to make sure you don't fall into the fail traps they create. Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: 3 Failpoints of Saving A Marriage Marriage Failpoint Book 3 Reasons Your Efforts Might Fail Save The Marriage System

I had nearly back-to-back discussions with people about coaching and therapy. One wanted to know if I could see them and their spouse. The other wanted to know if they could go to marital therapy alone. You may already know that I have concerns with marital therapy (yes, I am trained as a therapist).  But there are times when marital therapy (given the right circumstances) can be helpful. But can you do it alone? Early in my career (I was still finishing my Ph.D., but was already providing therapy), I realized that my approach was more of a coaching approach.  So, immediately after my dissertation was finished, I started a multi-year coach training program.  And since then, I have offered coaching services to people who want to thrive, whether in life or in a marriage. Many times, that means I am speaking with one person.  So, can you do coaching together?  With your spouse? Well, since I had those questions so close together, I decided I could answer it for more people in an episode of my podcast.  So, here it is! You can listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: No, this won't save your marriage (but might be what therapy focuses on) What DOES determine success or failure in therapy? Top 10 myths about marital therapy 3 times when coaching can help Grab the Save The Marriage System

Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?"  Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?"  Are emotions lost and connections missing?  Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?" The infection can be stopped.  You can fight the infection and heal the relationship. Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system.  Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy. Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o' the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Pause Button Marriages Dangers of Disconnection "Can This Marriage Be Saved?” The Save The Marriage System

It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis.  Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things... almost without control. A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors.  If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally "tapped out."  Which means it might not take much for you to boil over... And undo any progress you have been making. I have frequently been told that "I just can't control my emotions."  And in reality, the challenge is not controlling, but managing, your emotions. In this podcast episode, I outline 5 ways for you to manage your emotions in the midst of a marriage crisis. Is it hard?  It can be a challenge.  But it is do-able. You can do it!  Let's talk about how! (Listen Below!) RELATED RESOURCES Getting Perspective You Need A Plan Take Care of Yourself Get Some Support Don't Read Tea Leaves The Save The Marriage System

She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her.  He said he didn't feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn't feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn't feel safe enough to talk through their issues.  She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him.  How can he feel unsafe?" Safety (and feeling safe) is an interesting thing.  There doesn't actually have to be a real threat in order to feel unsafe.  Our brains are always looking for a sense of threat — and it takes very little to trigger the feeling of threat.  A look, a tone… a small hint can be perceived as a real threat. We don't risk connecting when we feel threatened.  Connecting requires vulnerability.  And vulnerability requires a sense of safety. Again, that is not necessarily tied to reality of threat.  So, do you (and your spouse) create spaces of safety?  Do you internally communicate safety in your relationship? Learn why this is so important and how to do it in the Save The Marriage Podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES Connection in Marriage Connection and Disconnection Resources Connection or Protection Save The Marriage System

When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear!  They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results.  Things are turning for the better.  The relationship is warming.  Things aren't quite so hostile. But then.... They get derailed.  Thrown off-course.  Lost in the crisis. Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost.  Things become even more tense and fractured. Why did they get derailed?  Four reasons:  Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged. I go into each of these... as well as how to avoid falling into the trap and getting derailed... in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES You Need A Plan Can Your Marriage Be Saved? When Is It Too Late? Your Fail Points Book:  The Marriage Fail Point Save The Marriage System

Is it actually possible for people to change?? For you to change?? For your marriage to change? That question has been asked for millenia.  It is a question of theology, philosophy, and psychology. And yet, sometimes, it seems like there is no real answer. As a student of all three arenas, and as a therapist/coach, I have thought long and hard about this question. Sometimes, people ask me this question, about themselves, about their spouse, or about their relationship. Short answer, "Yes, you and your marriage can change. But will you??" Let's talk about the possibility of change, the potential for it, and how to move toward it.  That is what we cover in this week's episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES: Why Your Spouse Doesn't See Your Changes What To Do When A Spouse Says, "You'll Never Change!" Save The Marriage System

What do you do if your spouse decides they need to work on themselves... and then they may (or may not) be willing to work on the marriage?  What do you do if your spouse just refuses to work on your marriage? That is the question of the week, asked by Sam.  He said his wife wants to better herself.  Then, maybe she would address the marriage. As part of my series, answering your questions, I want to address this one.  Because it might just be YOUR question, too!  (If not, you can SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE.) Many times, when a marriage is in trouble, a spouse (or maybe you) just won't address the relationship issues, insisting they (or you) need to work on themselves (or yourself) before looking at the marriage. The binary question:  "work on me or work on WE?" stands out.  But does it have to be so binary.  Is it really one or the other?  Or is there another way to approach this? If you try to force a spouse to work on the relationship, that won't work... and might make things better.  So, what CAN you do? Listen to this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast for my response.   RELATED RESOURCES Don't Try to Convince Showing UP in Marriage Dealing with Conflict The Importance of Self-Expansion The Save The Marriage System HERE

Connection is so important for a marriage.  When connection is cut off, the relationship falters.  When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk. But many people think they are connecting... and they are actually crowding. Crowding, in a struggling marriage, is as toxic as disconnecting. Does it feel like a tightrope?  Well, it really isn't. As long, that is, as you understand the underlying principle:  Connect, Don't Crowd. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you access to one of ten principles I cover in my VIP program (an advanced program for those who have my System, but want to be more effective or need more help). Resources in the VIP program are generally restricted only to VIP members, but I wanted to make sure you don't fall into the "crowding trap."  I see it far too often. Especially for people who have realized they hit the Pause Button on their marriage... and are trying to reconnect. Listen in to find how to connect without crowding.  Don't fall into the trap!   RELATED RESOURCES: Pause Button Marriage Connection is the Life Blood Connection Tools Save The Marriage System

Many times, people contact me to tell me that their marriage is... well... continuing to spiral down, in spite of their efforts. Over the years, I have noted some "turning points," when things often start turning around.  And I want to share 3 of these turning points with you. Here is the good news:  all 3 turning points I note are 100% within your control.  Yes, there are other events and actions that can also turn things (or at least, start turning things).  It is not JUST these 3 turning points.  There are others. But these turning points I chose to highlight are ones you can choose at any time and at any point. To be clear, just because you make a change, that does not guarantee that things WILL turn around.  (I would be able to retire, if that were the case.)  It's just that these actions often are the turning points in the effort to save your marriage. Will making the 3 turns guarantee a saved marriage?  No.  But they may just make a shift.  Playing the odds, doesn't it make sense to give the 3 turning points a chance for change? Listen to the podcast episode below for the 3 Turning Points. RELATED RESOURCES Chasing Won't Work Response-Able Show Up Will YOUR Marriage Be Saved? Your Fail Point Marriage Fail Points Book Save The Marriage System

You started working on saving your marriage.  Good for you! And then, you hit a bump.  You get knocked down.  Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional.  Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset.  Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse's. And it knocks you down. Enough that you think it is over.  That you are at the end. But are you?  Or do you need to get back up? In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth.  I fall for that myth all the time.  I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward.  Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn. And guess what?  The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage. We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.   RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Discouragement You Need A Plan Not A Wish, A Plan Your Support Team Do You Need Coaching? Coaching Resource Page Save The Marriage System

Several listeners asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative.  Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things? Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage.  A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative.  Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then.  (Memories are just current thoughts about past events -- not accurate representations of the past.) Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode. If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let's look at the reasons it happens... and what you can do about it! RELATED RESOURCES Book:  How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps (I have a chapter on changing limiting beliefs) How's Your Attitude? Hope and Stockdale Paradox Where To Focus "The Last Straw" Going Pro Program: Save The Marriage

How do you know if it is too late to save your marriage?? That happens to be one of the most common questions I get from people... sometimes even at the beginning of a coaching sessions.  But also by email and on conference calls. I get it.  We all want to know what the future holds. Do you put forth the effort for a lost cause?  Do you put your heart on the line, if there just isn't any way to get a positive outcome? So, people want to know... is there a way to know if it is too late? Good news:  there is! Bad news:  it will take some action on your part! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover how you can find out if it is too late to save your marriage.  Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: Why People Get Derailed Quitting Time?  Resources to Decide Save The Marriage System

My approach is the 3C approach to saving your marriage.  The 3C's are C-onnect, C-hange, and C-reate.  Connect with your spouse.  Change yourself.  Create a new path. The first two may be more obvious... but still missed by many people.  Relationships are grown by connection, and harmed by a lack of connection.  We grow personally, when we change... and stagnate when we don't.  But that path to create.  Where to?? I recently got an email that asked just that:  "What is the path I am building?  Where to??" While I thought I had been clear with that, the email is a reminder that perhaps I had not been so clear. So, let me be clear.  You are creating a new path... building a path... to WE. This is the deep and profound understanding that you and your spouse are becoming a unit, a team.  A WE.  As in, "We are in this together," "We are a team," "We stand together through thick and thin." But, since I want to be super-clear about this, I thought I would do a deep-dive in this episode of my podcast. You can listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: The Immutable Laws of Living Book:  3 Simple Steps to Saving Your Marriage Save The Marriage System

It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis:  “I need space!  You just need to give me space!” Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis. Are they opposites? One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering.  Which means that others might be wondering the same thing. Here is the problem:  When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can't give it, your spouse will demand MORE space.  And if that is not given, your spouse will force even MORE space.  Each step causes deeper disconnection and a deeper crisis. And yet, you know you need to fix the disconnection in order to heal the crisis.  It just seems that connecting and giving space are opposite ends.  But that is mainly because of the way you are trying to connect.  You can accidentally be crowding, not connecting. Listen in to discover the truth about “space” and how to connect without crowding. (And if you have questions you want answered on the podcast, CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM.) RELATED RESOURCES What is Space? Why is Connection Important? How To Stop Chasing Taking Responsibility Save The Marriage System VIP Program

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis.  There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis. This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis.  And just to let you know:  you are NOT at stage 1.  That would be Asleep.  This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble.  You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway. But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage! Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis.  That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis. In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing. Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES FACT of the Crisis Can The Marriage Be Saved? Why It Matters Happy or Hurting? Save The Marriage System

Most people don't come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation.  They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done. Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing. Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can.  But their spouse…. It is quite a game.  Not one that either person is enjoying.  Yet both are playing. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it.  Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don't know why you would really want to.  That game ends with 3 losers:  You, your spouse, and your marriage. RELATED RESOURCES NMF Syndrome How NOT to Save Your Marriage Being on the Same Team Save The Marriage System

Let me be the first to say, saving your marriage can be hard on you emotionally! Well, I don't really need to tell you, do I?  YOU are living it! One of the tough things, if you are going it alone (at the moment) is the fact that you want to feel loved, too.  You are likely trying to make sure your spouse feels love... feels love.  You are likely working on connection... even if it isn't (currently) coming back your way. And since we humans really want and need that love and connection, it can be tough when you don't feel it coming back. Because of just that, many people give up -- even if they are almost there!  Even if they are pretty close to saving their marriage, they often give up, frustrated and hurt. I get that.  I understand it. And I want to make sure you understand it, too.  So, we talk about the feeling and what to do about it, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Don't get derailed (when you might be so close to your goal!).   RELATED RESOURCE: The Marriage Experiment Training The Save The Marriage System The Video of This Training Episode on Hope and Hopelessness

For many couples in a troubled marriage, their first stop is marital therapy. In fact, for many, it is almost an instinctive reaction.  Marriage problem?  Head for therapy. How do I know? Because I hear from them... when therapy fails.  Which is, unfortunately, fairly often. Why? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you a little "inside information" on the factors that determine success or failure in marriage therapy. Since I was trained as a marriage therapist, I have long been observing the profession.  I stepped away and shifted to relationship coaching some years ago.  But I still have my finger on the pulse of this profession. So, let's talk about what leads to success... and what leads to failure, when you head to marital therapy. Just so you know.... Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy What Your Therapist WON'T Tell You Why Is It "Therapy or Bust"? Save The Marriage System

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right?  Yes, your marriage is in crisis.  But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage.  Right? Not so fast. Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance.  Not less.  It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off.  More insistence that nothing can be done.  That the marriage is beyond repair.  And that the only solution is dissolution. So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won't work, what will? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Don't Convince Working on Connection Book:  Beyond The 3 Barriers Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps Save The Marriage System

On a regular basis (meaning, several times each week), I have a discussion with a client that ends in the client saying, "I can't...."  Yes, they finish the sentence in many ways.  But the start of the sentence is my focus:  "I can't." I have a colleague that responds to clients who say, "I can't," with "You can."  That doesn't quite get there, though.  At least for me, I don't think that is the whole answer. Over the years, I noticed that "can't" is far more complex than we notice. You may have heard that in other languages, there are multiple words to describe what another language would only have as a single word.  For instance, the Greek language has multiple words to say, "love."  And at least in lore, there are many words in Inuit to say, "snow." There should be, in my opinion, multiple words for "can't."  But here we are, often with conversations ending with "I can't." So, I will take it further.  In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I note four different "can'ts."  One really, truly, is. One is really, truly, NOT. And the other two, you have to work through. If you find yourself saying, "I can't save my marriage," or "I can't change," or "I can't see a way," you may want to take a listen.  You may be stuck in a "can't" that isn't. Listen below!   RELATED RESOURCES: The Certainty Trap Episode Stuck In Negativity Episode The Connection Compass Articles The Save The Marriage System

Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn't want it? I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it. But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married? I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone?  This is important because so many people don't believe there is anything that can be done, once a spouse has checked out.  This is not accurate.  And it means that many people who could save their marriage and rebuild, don't.  They walk away in defeat. So, what CAN you do?  First, I tackle what you CAN'T do.  Then, we turn our attention to what CAN be done, even if it is only you interested (right now). Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Read my article on The Pause Button Marriage Find my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps Find my Save The Marriage System Learn more about Connection Learn more about Conflict

This is a SPECIAL EDITION of the Save The Marriage Podcast! Why?  Because we are on the cusp of an elevated threat to marriages... and it might include your's. There are 3 periods in the year that see a spike in divorce filings and inquiries.  We are facing one right now:  the beginning of summer.  In the States, that is marked by Memorial Day (coming up very quickly).  For other countries, it may be another week or two off.  But we are slip-sliding right toward it. In this audio version of a video training, I tell you why this season is a spike, and what to do so that your marriage is not a casualty (but the time to get started is NOW!).