Think Better, Live Better

This past Saturday, while Angel and I were enjoying a safe and peaceful backyard barbecue at our friend Sara's house, her 16-year-old foster child, Cody, received an unexpected visit from his biological mother – a woman who has been in and out of prison and rehab her whole life. Although Sara was a bit hesitant about it, she let Cody and his mother talk privately on the front porch. We occasionally eavesdropped from the living room window just to make sure everything was okay.

Too often we let the little frustrations of each day blind us to the beauty in front of us. We get caught up in our own heads, and literally don't know our lives to be any better than the few things that aren't going our way. We call people to complain or we spew out our gripes on social media. “Life is so unfair!” we yell. And everyone agrees and throws their two cents into the gossip pool.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who could do anything in the world she wanted.  All she had to do was choose something and focus.  So one day she sat down in front of a blank canvas and began to paint.  Every stroke was more perfect than the next, slowly and gracefully converging to build a flawless masterpiece.  And when she eventually finished painting, she stared proudly at her work and smiled.

Earlier today, I was sitting on a park bench eating a sandwich for lunch when an elderly couple pulled their car up under a nearby oak tree. They rolled down the windows and turned up some jazz music on the radio. Then the man got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side, and opened the door for the woman. He took her hand and helped her out of her seat, guided her about ten feet away from the car, and they slow danced for the next half hour under the oak tree.

The reason for our suffering, in all walks of life, is our resistance to the truth.Sometimes it's brutally hard to accept life's greatest lessons.  And yet we must!Because it's lessons like these that ultimately make our lives beautiful, by showing us how to thrive even through the toughest of times…

God willing, you'll be gifted another 40 years of life experience.But even if you aren't, the core principle of this article remains relevant:As you age, you'll learn to value your time, genuine relationships, meaningful work, and peace of mind, much more. Little else will matter.Deep down you know this already, right?

It's a dull, subdued sensation, when your heart is breaking, like the muffled sound of a distant gunshot. It doesn't physically pierce your skin or tear you to pieces, but the sensation is physically present – the paralyzing discomfort of realizing that something you took for granted is leaving for good.

We are all beautiful human beings, just trying to find our way. Today and every day we seek to better understand the meaning of our lives. We long to discover our gifts and release them fully into the world, and we hope to find happiness, peace, and strength along the way. For some of us the key to these desires rings loud and clear, driving what we do and how we do it from moment to moment. For others, these deep seeded needs are buried below the noise of daily life, below ego, below fear, below the pressures and norms that we face in society… and thus, they are rarely addressed.

If you worry too much about what might be, or what might have been, you will ignore and overlook what is. Remember this. Happiness is letting go of what you assume life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything it is.

On my birthday many moons ago, when Google and I were both a lot younger, I Googled “how to change your life when you're burning out” to see what would come up. I had been feeling hopelessly trapped in a cycle of busyness—like I was racing around in circles every day without any meaningful progress. And it was time to find a better roadmap because I was literally getting depressed with the same old grind.

As you look back on your life, you will realize that many of the times you thought you were being rejected by someone or from something you wanted, you were in fact being redirected to someone or something you needed.Seeing this when you're in the midst of feeling rejected, however, is quite tough. I know because I've been there.

Undoubtedly, the days, weeks and months ahead will be filled with incredible highs and stressful lows. But in any case, we can train our minds to make the best of the present as it unfolds.Remind yourself that the mind is like a muscle, and just like every muscle in the human body, it needs to be exercised to gain strength. It needs to be trained daily to grow and develop gradually over time. 

When life is pressing on you and stressing you out, pause, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you are not at the center of the universe.When you're overwhelmed by life's daily struggles, it's so easy to feel like you're at the center. But you aren't. None of us are.

If you want to grow and move on to better things, you have to give up the things that hold you back.

One of the most incredible changes I've made in my life, which has undoubtedly made me a happier person and a better friend, is learning to let go of judging people.Now, I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I don't ever judge others – we all have a tendency to do so by default… it's a human instinct, and I'm not the exception. But I have learned to catch myself, and to recognize how judging is harmful.

Too often people overestimate the significance of one big defining moment and underestimate the value of making good decisions and tiny steps of progress on a daily basis. The friction and frustration created by trying to change things you cannot change is the crucible where a ton of unhappiness is born. Accepting that most things are outside your influence gives you explicit permission to let them unfold as they may.

You are changing.  The universe around you is changing.  Just because something was right for you in the past doesn't mean it still is.  This could be a relationship, a job, a home, a habit, etc.It happens to you slowly as you grow.  You discover more about who you are and what you want out of life, and then you realize there are deliberate changes you need to make to keep up with the changes happening around you and within you

When life has to be a certain way in order to be good enough for us, we close ourselves off from so many of the real and present opportunities available.On the contrary, when we let go of the way it “should be,” we free our minds to deal with life's unexpected changes, challenges and chaos in the most effective way possible…

Don't let the drama of today bring you down.  Keep calm when stress or negativity surrounds you.  Breathe, and let calmness be your superpower.  The ability to not overreact or take things personally always gives you the upper hand.

Let's start off here with a simple question:What does your perfect day look and feel like?Visualizing your perfect day is important not necessarily because it will be a recurring reality, but because it's crucial to understand what a simple life — or an “uncomplicated life” — really means to you.

Let's start with a story that Marc wrote about the night we met . . .She has light brown hair, a seductive smile, and the most engaging set of hazel-green eyes I've ever seen.  It's the kind of engaging I can't ignore—the kind that makes me want to engage too.  Because she's mysterious.  And I'm curious.  And I need to know more.

We all need our own time to travel our own distance.And right now, you just need to keep peaceful, productive thoughts and perspectives centered in your mind, as you take things one step at a time…

As you struggle forward in the days and weeks ahead, remind yourself, it is far better to be exhausted from lots of effort, learning and growth, than it is to be tired of doing absolutely nothing.

“I have seen and touched and danced and sang and climbed and loved and meditated on a lifetime spent living honestly.  Should it all end tonight, I can positively say there would be no regrets.  I feel fortunate to have walked 90 years in my shoes.  I am truly lucky.  I really have lived 1,000 times over.”Those are the opening lines of the final entry in my grandmother Zelda's journal—a 270-page leather-bound journal she wrote small entries in almost every morning during the final decade of her life. 

It’s wild how we outgrow what we once thought we couldn’t live without, and then we fall in love with what we didn’t even know we wanted. Life keeps leading us down paths we would never travel if it were up to us.Don’t be afraid.Have faith.Trust the journey.Don’t let your expectations of how life “should be” blind you to the beauty of the life you’re living.

If you already feel like you’re at the end your rope today with little slack left to hold on to, realize your mind is lying to you. It has imprisoned you by reciting self-defeating stories in your head—stories about your mistakes and what you should have done differently. And you’ve begun to believe that you’re really stuck.But you’re NOT.

The goal isn’t to get rid of all your painful thoughts, feelings, and life circumstances. That’s impossible. The goal is to follow in Susan’s footsteps, and change your response to them today!It’s never too late. Just decide to make the best of it. No excuses. No resistance. No giving up. No regrets.

Sometimes we all need to be reminded of the power and beauty of working together.As Helen Keller so profoundly said, “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.” There is immense power between us when we combine forces to work toward a common goal. Teamwork is everything!All together… we are infinite!

When I was a high school freshman, a 260-pound freshman girl showed up for track and field tryouts right alongside me. Her name was Sara, and she was only there because her doctor said her health depended on it. But once she scanned the crowd of students who were on the field, she turned around and began walking away. Coach O’Leary saw her, jogged over, and turned her back around.

Over the years, through our coaching practice, Getting Back To Happy course, and live events, Marc and I have worked with thousands of individuals and couples looking to fix their failing relationships, and we’ve learned a lot about what it takes to make this happen.

This morning I was reading a book at my favorite beach-side coffee shop when an 18-year-old kid sat down next to me and said, “That’s a great read, ain’t it?” So we started chatting.He told me he was getting ready to graduate from high school in a couple of weeks and then immediately starting his college career in the fall. “But I have no clue what I want to do with my life,” he said. “Right now I’m just going with the flow.”And then, with eager, honest eyes, he began asking me one question after the next...

If you love someone who is depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. They don’t know. Depression isn’t a straightforward, thought-out response to a tough situation – depression just IS, like December’s weather in Seattle.

Happiness does not start with a relationship, a degree, a job, or money. It starts with your thinking and what you tell yourself today.

Truly, there is an obvious shift in our hearts and minds that happens when we go from feeling hurt and upset to peaceful and loving, but it’s not necessarily forgiveness that’s taking place, it’s just the realization that there was nothing to forgive in the first place. Because mistakes are the growing pains of wisdom, and sometimes they just need to be accepted with no strings attached.

True purpose has no time limit. True purpose has no deadline. Don’t stress and overwhelm yourself. Just do what you can right now.

A couple thousand years ago in ancient Greece, the great philosopher Socrates was strolling contemplatively around a community garden when a neighbor walked up to him and said, “You’re never in a million years going to believe what I just heard about our mutual friend…”“Wait,” Socrates interrupted, putting his hand up in the air. “Before you continue with this story, your words must pass the triple filter test?”

Angel and I recently interviewed a minimum wage motel housekeeper in Miami for a project we’re working on to support our New York Times bestselling book, Getting Back to Happy: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Reality, and Turn Your Trials into Triumphs. “Do you like your job?” we asked her. To our surprise, she smiled from ear to ear and was breathless for a couple moments. She finally collected herself and said, “I can’t believe how much I love my job! I get to make dozens of our guests happy every day and feed my two beautiful children at the same time…”

You can have all the knowledge in the world, but it means nothing without building up the confidence to do something with it.

Life gets a lot simpler when you clear the clutter that makes it complicated. Bring your attention back to what’s important, and move forward with your life.

Fifteen years ago, I was lucky enough to witness the humble, elegant, peaceful passing of my 89-year-old grandpa. As I sat quietly in his hospice room alongside my grandma and other family members, his nurse smiled softly and said, “I can see he lived well. People his age often pass just the way they lived.”

We aren’t machines, constantly charged up and ready to fire on all cylinders. We are human, which means we falter, we doubt, and we feel pain sometimes. And this too shall pass.

Whatever your tough times consist of, sometimes it’s just NOT OK right now. And that, again, is more than OK.Yes, we're suggesting to try your hardest to be perfectly OK with not being perfectly OK all the time. Because those with the strength to succeed in the long run are the ones who lay a firm foundation of growth with the bricks life has thrown at them.

Letting go of (or breaking up with) a toxic friend, boyfriend or girlfriend is one thing, and there’s plenty of advice out there for doing so, but what about letting go of a toxic family member?

Today, we hope you will have another inspired day, that you will dream boldly and dangerously, that you will make some progress that didn’t exist before you took action, that you will love and be loved in return, and that you will find the strength to accept and grow from the troubles you can’t change. And, most importantly (because we think there should be more kindness and wisdom in this crazy world), that you will, when you must, be wise with your decisions, and that you will always be extra kind to yourself and others.

Our character is often most evident at our highs and lows. Be humble at the mountaintops, be strong in the valleys, and be faithful in between. Think better, live better.

On a chilly evening 18 years ago, after spending nearly every waking minute with Angel for eight straight days, I knew I had to tell her just one thing. So late at night, just before she fell asleep, I whispered it in her ear. She smiled … the kind of smile that makes me smile back. And she said, “When I’m 75, and I think about my life and what it was like to be young, I hope I can remember this very moment.”

We all know deep down that life is short, and that death will happen to all of us eventually, and yet we are infinitely shocked when it happens to someone we love. It’s like walking up a flight of stairs with a distracted mind, and misjudging the final step. You expected there to be one more stair than there is, and so you find yourself off balance for a moment, before your mind shifts back to the present moment and how the world really is.

In the final decade of his life, my grandfather woke up every single day at 7AM, picked a fresh wild flower on his morning walk, and took it to my grandmother. One morning, I decided to go with him to see her. And as he placed the flower on her gravestone, he looked up at me and said, “I just wish I had picked her a fresh flower every morning when she was alive. She really would have loved that.”When I’m on the cusp of my 80’s, I don’t want to sit with regrets. I don’t want to wish I had done things differently—especially something as simple, yet meaningful, as picking wild flowers for the love of my life.Don’t you agree?

Stories...they're not just for children. We believe they have the power to change, the ability to shift your outlook. So, let us distract you for a moment and tell you seven short stories.These are old stories – familiar stories. The people and the circumstances differ slightly for everyone who tells them, but the core lessons remain the same.We hope the twist we’ve put on them here inspires you to think differently…

Have you ever met Debbie Downer, Negative Nancy or Pessimistic Patty? These people can be so entrenched in the bad things that there isn’t any room for good things to grow. They inhabit our families and social circles. It can be emotionally draining just being around them, and you must be careful because their attitudes are contagious. Negativity perpetuates itself, breeds dissatisfaction and clutters the mind. And when the mind is cluttered with negativity, happiness is much harder to come by.

Sometimes we try to show the world we are flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone, but we can’t please everyone and we shouldn’t try. The beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our complex emotions, and our authentic imperfections. When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic, instead of who we think others want us to be, we open ourselves up to real relationships, real happiness, and real success.