Fixers, Inc.

You thought we forgot, didn't you? Nope. We just probably won't be making any more Fixers episodes. We hope to have some creative projects to share in the future, but in the meantime we're working to make sure the Fixers Archives stay active. We must not let them silence our great works! Er....good works. Okay-ish works.... look we recorded some stuff, and maybe someone will want to hear it in the future. You never know.

Some sad news to bring you down and some stupid silly news to cheer you back up

Somehow, in spite of an almost double-length D&D session, we come up about 15 minutes shy of an hour on this one. Rest assured, good listener, it is for the best. Besides, think of all the neat activities you could do with that time instead!  Episode ingredients: Look At Your Friends And Make A Sex Noise, Monster World Is Opposite, DeLorean Grey, Next Week Tonight, The 10,000 Sedans of Bartholomew Cubbins, 8.5 Minute D&D, and Budget Art Heist Send your questions & problems to fixerspodcast@gmail.com Twitter - twitter.com/FixersInc Instagram - instagram.com/fixersinc The Evil One - facebook.com/fixersincorporated Support us on Patreon - www.patreon.com/fixerspodcast

We are masters of navigating those tricky moral grey areas. A game show about bum fights? Definitely bad. Murdering our boss with very expensive bullets? Good!   Episode ingredients: Every Day Is Nap Day, I See You Everywhere, A Couple of Failures, I Like My Crumble Beach, (Introducing) Ruin This For Me - Vinyl Records, Flo's Fate, Get Off My Elevator - F*** Mary Kill, and McCallister .45   Send your questions & problems to fixerspodcast@gmail.com   Twitter - twitter.com/FixersInc   Instagram - instagram.com/fixersinc   The Bad One - facebook.com/fixersincorporated   Support us on Patreon - www.patreon.com/fixerspodcast

While Dave's been traveling for work, we thought we'd share a little experimental recording that Chris and our perennial friend Ryan made: two halves of an interview recorded separately and then spliced together. Ben found it so dreadfully dull and unfunny that he practically begged them to let him publish it.

Join your three all-time favorite podcasters, Goose, Iceman, and Daywalker (or perhaps Haymaker?), as they bring you a regular ol' episode of this podcast that's just like all the others that came before it. 

Ever wonder just how deep cemeteries go? How loud you can get before the cops show up? How many abduction-related scavenger hunts you can organize via the local newspaper? Well, after you hear this… I'll be honest, you'll still be wondering.   Episode ingredients: Our Deepest Desires, Sexually Provocative Falafel Cart, A Very Loud Elephant Covered In Boomboxes Turned All The Way Up, Get Off My Elevator - The Weekly Child Find, and DiRenaldo's Deep Garage For Car Boys

Another weird week means we end up posting something weird! In this case, Ben and special guest Nichole talk about what to do if your footwear is killing bees, tips on how to get all the way through a book (can you imagine?!), and which book-based films surpass their source material. 

In addition to maybe our shortest introductory banter to date, we debut a new segment that is... well, I'm afraid it's bad news. As in, actual news stories that are objectively bad. Yeah, I said it. Come at me, CNN!  Episode ingredients: Try Talking To Crows, Get Off My Elevator, List Assist, Bottom Ramen, I'm Afraid It's Bad News, I Don't Like The Tweet, and Hell Toupee  Send your questions/problems to fixerspodcast@gmail.com Twitter - twitter.com/FixersInc Instagram - instagram.com/fixersinc The Bad One - facebook.com/fixersincorporated Support us on Patreon - www.patreon.com/fixerspodcast

We know Ben said this one would be titled “Bequeathal-gram” but we're calling an audible. Besides, it's official Fixers policy not to allow puppets to name our episodes. Especially when they act like little jerks the way that Burnt did. Or Bert... Whatever. The one that laughs like Ernie.   Episode ingredients: Summoning Mimosas, Modern-Day Freakazoid, All Nature Movie Are Fake (sic), The Wooo Context, 5 Minute D&D, Cremation Slushie, and Brought To You By   Send your questions/problems to fixerspodcast@gmail.com   Twitter - twitter.com/FixersInc   Instagram - instagram.com/fixersinc   The Bad One - facebook.com/fixersincorporated   Support us on Patreon - www.patreon.com/fixerspodcast

Wait, has that clock been ticking in the background this whole time?!   We hope to be back with a new one next week. See you soon!

We've been living a lie, and it's time to come clean! We've actually been performing these episodes live every time you hit the play button. We've also been writing one another's lines, so it's not really improvised but it is somehow both live and scripted... The nice thing about this is that we can always use one another as scapegoats for the terrible things we say.   Episode ingredients: Okes and Apes, The Dip, Get Off My Elevator, Lossy Transporter Clone, Car Man San Diego, Famous Quotes and Why They're Wrong, and 2/3rds of Ben Franklin Key-on-Kite Party   Send your questions/problems to fixerspodcast@gmail.com   Twitter - twitter.com/FixersInc   Instagram - instagram.com/fixersinc   The Bad One - facebook.com/fixersincorporated   Support us on Patreon - www.patreon.com/fixerspodcast

Ben brags about his sick skateboarding skills. Chris devises a foolproof money-making scheme. Dave invents a new…sport? You can decide for yourself. It sounds like a lot of fun, though. I can't wait to catch my first fisherman! Episode ingredients: Thankless Killing, Invoices For Nothing, The Next Icarus, When Spider-Boys Become Spider-Men, Brought To You By, Big Book Of Sins, The First Collective Tweet, and Maximum Dog Dare Send your questions/problems to fixerspodcast@gmail.com Twitter - twitter.com/FixersInc Instagram - instagram.com/fixersinc The Bad One - facebook.com/fixersincorporated Support us on Patreon - www.patreon.com/fixerspodcast

Saddle up, y'all! We're cowboys this time. Or rather, there are some cowboys. Briefly. Then they meet the fate that most fictional folks do when they spend any amount of time around the Fixers. Except Earl, he's fine as long as he's not allergic to rattlesnakes.  Episode ingredients: My Name Is Earl... Prariedog, Nerf Sand, Can Someone Please Argue Now?, Simon Clops' Magic Eye, The Clarence Trebuchet Persona, Zombie Hippie Cowboy, and Jaw Harps Are Dangerous Send your questions/problems to fixerspodcast@gmail.com Twitter - twitter.com/FixersInc Instagram - instagram.com/fixersinc The Bad One - facebook.com/fixersincorporated Patreon - www.patreon.com/fixerspodcast

You know how sometimes you don't have anything new to make for dinner, and so you throw together a bunch of leftovers? Sometimes it turns out delicious! This is exactly that, but with audio clips.    We do apologize that this compilation is utterly lacking in Enya or the X-Files theme. Weirdly, I think it does have Kenny G in there somewhere...

We are thrilled to have our buddy Quinn back with us, especially because he seems to be the good luck charm we needed. Our 5 Minute D&D drought is finally over! Twice!   Episode ingredients: Sweeping Up The Loose Threads, The Long Island Iced Tea Approach To Good Stink, The Return of 5 Minute D&D!, Those Lying Liars, 5 More Minutes of D&D!!, and The Bay of Schmear   Send your questions/problems to fixerspodcast@gmail.com   Twitter - twitter.com/FixersInc   Instagram - instagram.com/fixersinc   The Bad One - facebook.com/fixersincorporated   Patreon - www.patreon.com/fixerspodcast

If you detect any sleepy/nonsensical energy that found its way into this episode, it was totally deliberate and not because we spent an hour watching Chris play Vampire Survivors before we started recording.    Episode ingredients: Welcome To Camp Looksalittlelow, The Nebulous Zone Of Vague Alienation, Can Someone Please Argue Now, Badmouthing Kroger For 5 Minutes, A Rock's Purpose, and Full Automatic Giggle   Send your questions/problems to fixerspodcast@gmail.com   Twitter - twitter.com/FixersInc   Instagram - www.instagram.com/fixersinc   Patreon - www.patreon.com/fixerspodcast

We're late! We had to reschedule recording twice last week, and that's why we're dropping this episode on a weird day. Sorry about that. To make up for it, we've invented at least three new swear words which we freely release to the public domain. I think that pretty much balances the scales, don't you? Episode ingredients: That's a Blonus, The Reverse Shirt, (introducing) Famous Quotes and Why They're Wrong, Stinky Baby Fish Gift, The Pasta Monster, and Right In The Chimborazo    Check out our new Patreon page, and consider supporting the podcast - www.patreon.com/fixerspodcast   Send your questions/problems to fixerspodcast@gmail.com!   Twitter @FixersInc Instagram @fixersinc 

This installment is mostly about nasty cubes. It's a little bit about Werther's Original candies, but mostly... uh yeah, mostly nasty cubes. If that's not your speed, then I'd suggest sitting this one out.   Episode ingredients: Angry Old Men, My Name Is Litigation Exempt, Introducing “Homework”, The Snack Cube, Remember The Way Of Club And Spear, The Wishing Cube Is Nasty, and Some Planet   Send your questions/problems to fixerspodcast@gmail.com!   Twitter @FixersInc Instagram @fixersinc 

We weren't able to record together last week, but I needed something to edit to make the voices in my head stop (just kidding lol... or am I?). So, here are some of our finest moments from the first 20 or so episodes.    Incidentally, if you've been wanting to share our podcast with a friend, this might serve as a good jumping-on point for them. A real buffet of our early buffoonery. A buffooneret, if you will.    Send your questions/problems/complaints/credit card info (just kidding lol... or am I?) to fixerspodcast@gmail.com! Hit us up on Twitter @FixersInc We're also on Instagram, however that works

As our last episode of 2021, we get DEEP into the holiday spirit. How deep? About nose deep. We learn some dark secrets about Santa and maybe scrounge up enough instruments to win this year's Battle of the Bands. Happy Holidays, everyone, and a special shout out to our good friend Ryan for the new outro music!  Episode ingredients: Ben the Red-Nosed Fixer, Elvish Encroachment, The Jug Store, Sign This With Your Eyes, William Nilliam, The Battle of the One Band Send your questions/problems to fixerspodcast@gmail.com

Vacation's over, Fixers! Now the real work begins. We're gonna need an extra pair of hands to tackle our to-do pile. Special guest Ryan returns to help us figure out how to stuff a chair into a jacket, as well as unlocking the secrets of the Prim Emporium.   Episode ingredients: Chalister McAllister, Don't Play In The Sandpit, The Centaur of Attention, The Final Squam, The Magic School Bus Happy Hour, and Brought To You By   Send your problems/questions to fixerspodcast@gmail.com and you can bet we'll fix the Montgomery sh*t out of them!

We've got another previously unreleased track for your listening pleasure this week. Happy Thanksgiving, if you're into that sort of thing. If not, Happy Weekend! We'll be back soon with more of our usual buffoonery. 

In the thrilling conclusion of our soirée into the depths of hell, we, uh…. we spend a lot of time on an elevator. That doesn't sound so bad, right? Well, it is when it drops you off on a level full of screaming Ray Romanos. Or, even worse, a level covered in glitter!   Episode ingredients: Forza Lord, Stinkless Steel, Bag of Holding Chris, A Long List of Movies Ben Hasn't Seen, The Haunting of Ray Romano, Brought To You By, and A Deal With The Devil   Special thanks for Subatomicparticular for your glowing review on Apple Podcasts! Every rating and review helps!   Send your problems/questions to fixerspodcast@gmail.com

We had some spoOooOoOoky audio issues during recording, so Chris (and Dracula, weirdly) sound just a little bit peaky. I guess that's hell for ya. Because we wind up in hell. We promise it's for a good cause…. Getting paid.   Episode ingredients: Skumps though?, Smoke Diego Smoke, McAllister Goes To Hell, The Fixers Go To Hell, I Fall Gross, The Hellevator, The Sound Of Science, Turtle Bugs, and Helpisoda   Send us your questions/problems! fixerspodcast@gmail.com

Come with me and you'll be In a world of serpentine belt creation Take a look and you'll see that what's chocolate is the factory We'll begin with a spin Traveling in a new floor of our building What we'll see will probably be kinda lame This week, the Fixers get to tour a factory that's definitely, absolutely been in our building the whole time, no question about it at all. Why would you even doubt it? Because it's never come up in our 90 episodes? Don't be silly!  Episode ingredients: The Fixers Tour The Chocolate Factory, Dave Got Dusted, That Mirror Lied To Me, The Hit List - F**k Facebook Victory Lap, Gurney Journey, and The King's Feet   Email your problems to fixerspodcast@gmail.com!

It's two against one for the majority of this episode. Ben butts heads against Chris and Dave on multiple topics: the intelligence of golden retrievers, the grossness of vaping on the toilet, how cool certain snack foods are, what a gel is, and what constitutes a sequel. Not to worry, though! We're problem-solvers, after all, and we've devised a whole new way to blow smoke up your arse.    Brooch Wine and Oyster Man, Testing For Coolness, Get Off My Elevator - Ground Bud, Single Jeopardy, Brought To You By, Vape Bidet, and All Nyes On You   Send us your questions/problems! fixerspodcast@gmail.com

We're not saying that birds aren't real. That's crazy and (nearly) everyone knows better. But have we checked up on baby pigeons lately? I'm just saying, are we SURE they exist? Adult pigeons, sure. All types of real pigeons out there. But the babies though…   Ingredients: Doin' A Weird Late-y, Contractually Obligated Banter Time, No Pets For Ivory (maybe a shaved dead horse), The Sound of Science, No Such Thing As Baby Pigeons, Several Failures, and R*sted R**t

Well, hey there! Since Dave was unable to record this week, this is sort of episode zero of another podcast Chris and Ben have been talking about doing for a little while now. Our basic premise is reviewing and comparing things that have no business being pitted against one another. In this episode - hotel room coffee vs. the US quarter! Hope you enjoy, and we'll hopefully get back to fixering next week. 

Oh, hello there! We couldn't get into the office this week, so here's a sweaty summer jam for your listening pleasure. If you make it all the way to the end of the song, there's this weird chorus of voices that sound like they're straight outta Animal Crossing.   New episode coming soon!   Send us your problems, and we'll fix them! Email us at fixerspodcast@gmail.com

It's been another 22 episodes since dogs were forbidden, and now… I guess they're allowed again? We have officially declared war against the moon, though. Ya hear that, the moon?! We're gunning for you now!     Episode ingredients: Our New Tagline, Sticky Heroes, Feng Shui Audio Wizard, The Sound of Science, Hammerboy vs. Wrenchlad, and Garfeld   Email us your problems/questions at fixerspodcast@gmail.com

Podcasters? Three podcasters?! And what's more, out of the Midwest by your talk. What business brings you to Bree? (Hint - it's fixing stuff)   Episode ingredients: We Don't Have To Do This Anymore (yeah we do), Worst Gatekeeper Ever, Kevin Is A Robot, You Want Crawdads Anybody?, Get Off My Elevator - The National Balls, and stay tuned after the credits for Water Commentary   Email your problems/questions to fixerspodcast@gmail.com

We stumble almost immediately out of the gate on this one, because Chris made a classic blunder: asking Ben to sing. You never ask Ben to sing! Not only does he hate it, but he's also bad at it. Episode ingredients: The Hot Cross Buns Melody Mystery, Carpenter Boys, Can Someone Please Argue Now, Goodwill Art Creep, Next Week Tonight, The Dave Emoji, and Reese's Cup Physics Simulator Send us your problems/questions at fixerspodcast@gmail.com

You have to admire Dr. Squamulous' courage as he continues to tuck little treats into our boys' knowledge pockets (to use his own words), despite being actively hunted by Dracula AND not really having any actual knowledge to dole out. What a guy!  Episode ingredients: Objectively The Worst State, Ben's Vacation Journal, Lose Your Butt To Shrooms, WURDZ - Manor vs. Chateau, Everything's Coming Up Molehouse, The Sound of Science, The Return of Magic Movie Mashup Mike, and Being John McAfee Don't forget to send us your problems at fixerspodcast@gmail.com!

Hey friends! Ben is out of town for a couple of weeks, so we're dropping a new track that he made a little while back. This one is so fresh, we haven't even used it for 5 Minute D&D yet! We hope to be fixering again really soon. Until then, enjoy our #1 fresh summer jam, like grandma used to make!  Don't forget to email us your problems at fixerspodcast@gmail.com

Our office has seen a lot of fatalities over the past few years, but this episode marks the first time anyone has ever thought themselves to death in front of us. At least, as far as I can recall but who's keeping track? Like I said, there's been a LOT.   Episode ingredients: Tootsie Pop Owl is a Dick, Greg Battles The Fuzzy Rat Robots, Get Off My Elevator and Into The Bathroom, Hook-proof Zorb Speech, and Willy Weirdson's Hot Pineapple

We dust off an old bit to conclude our in-depth analysis on this year’s Mortal Kombat movie. After that, I PROMISE we’re done talking about it. At least until there’s a sequel. Episode ingredients: Secondary Transformers, Good Reviews of Mortal Kombat, A Pallet of Air Conditioners, The Sound of Science, A Little Smidgen of Fish People, and Next Week Tonight

Our latest installment marks the long-anticipated return of…that German psychiatrist we thought we killed off back in the twenty-somethings! Dr. Glockenspiel maybe, but it’s not like we have a record of these things. Anyway, the good doctor helps Ben sort out a crazy dreammercial he had. Then things get downright biblical by the end. Episode ingredients: Oh That Crunch!, Mortal Kombat in Review, The Slur, The Hit List, Granola For Birds, and Next Week Tonight

The banter is hot right out the gate on this one! And by that I of course mean that it takes us about twenty minutes to get into the fixing part. You won’t even notice though, since you’ll be too busy dealing with gym class flashbacks. Episode ingredients: A Bad Case of Stroh’s, High School Gym Class Nostalgia, Expired College Degree, Lunch Traps for Linus, The Sound of Science, Dracula H.R., Giant Spacecar Earth, Book Ointment, and Ned Leathers Reads a List

Welcome to Fixers, Incarcerated. Frankly, I’m amazed we managed to stay out of jail for as long as we did... Episode ingredients: Jasper’s Toilet Hooch, Murder House Listings, Next Week Tonight, Marvel’s Parkour Hobo II, The Hit List - Narrow Canals & Diet Foods, and The Charges Brought For Us

The boys go car shopping. An old friend returns. One of us (I won’t say who) conflates nineteenth-century treasure hunters with twenty first-century social scientists. And when I said “friend” earlier, I meant a van. Vans can be friends, right? ‘Course they can. Episode ingredients: Count Salesula’s Car Castle, 2004 Nokia Parkour Tablet, introducing Next Week Tonight, Jerry Hot Dog, Archaeol-argument, and Meat Stripe Gum

So here's the thing... an old "friend" showed up and kinda stole the majority of an episode from one of our computers. Rather than force you to listen to 2/3 of a conversation, we decide to force you to listen to us scraping the bottom of our inbox.....barrel? Episode ingredients: The British Kiss, Pre-coli, Space Wars IRL, Very Polite to Bugs, We Are Evil Genies, Fully Custom Dead Uncle Guitar, What a Strange Entwizzlement, Does the Middle Work?, Render the Burn, Rare Eyelid Ability, Wild Magic Stupid, and Renaissance Meth

There are some decidedly unscrupulous characters roaming about the office this week. Not Chris, though. Get a load of those scruples! Episode ingredients: Big Pair of Brass Scruples, Gaming Cafe Do’s and Don’ts, The Hit List - Podcasts and Pre-orders, Ball Pit of Guilt, The Hands of an Idiot, Shame On You and Thank You, and #6thStarForFixers

You there! Unless I’m very much mistaken, you seem like the sort of individual that enjoys listening to people get pissed off at fake scientists for reading poorly written internet quizzes. Well what say you? Is that sort of thing you bag, baby? Episode ingredients: Wendellshire’s Paradox, How Come Does The Candle End?, The Sound of Science aka Chris Gets Mad at a Bad Internet Quiz, Introducing “WORDS”, and Now You’re Scheming With Ants

It began innocently enough (by our standards), but by the end, the Fixers were discussing selling bags of dust as action figures. Episode ingredients: The Least Sexy Music, Sweet Potato Shot Put, Schrödinger’s Wal-Mart, The Vancouver Fishcocks, Dylan and the Police Stuck on a Roof, Brought To You By, and Grampire Merch

The regular-type Fixers weren't able to put in any time at the office this week, so Ben thawed out one of the interns from cryogenic freeze and together they solved the great mystery of where meat goes when something dies. Also featuring "Up Against Everything" by Dinosaurigami

Honestly folks, we have so many good ideas in this episode that it’s kinda ridiculous. Like, we almost didn’t publish it because we don’t want anyone stealing our several brilliant ideas. Y’know what, just assume all this is trademarked, alright? Because it absolutely is! Episode ingredients: Rata2uille, The Hit List - Dust Jackets, Rapid-fire Spring Cleaning, Get Off My Elevator - RealGun and Pocket Government mobile apps, and Elevating Escalators

We've got a bonus episode for you, just in time to be too late for the holidays!! I wish I could show you how much silence I have to edit out to make us sound clever. So much!

Hey listen, you might wanna have a box of Grape-Nuts on hand for this one. You know… to quell any urges. Because it gets pretty wet and wild, as only Gumby discussions tend to do. Episode ingredients: Tony Sbarro (aka Tony Buttheat), The Gumbying Hour, Why Are My Lightbulbs Wet?, Radio Porn Star, The Max Headroom Incident Jam Band, Surgeons Generals Through The Ages, and a Little Don Knotts

You know that feeling when you're trying to record a podcast and manage a bloody battle just outside your tent at the same time? Ugh, what a nuisance, right? I mean, we've all been there. Such a relatable scenario! Episode ingredients: Sergeant Will’s Weird Dream, Chris Got A Ham Radio - Antiques Roadshow, Delaware Dibs, Brought To You By British Beatboxing, A Cure For Ads, and Toy Story Stories

We hope that you like drunken rants about cereal mascots. No, for real, because we’re serving up a heaping spoonful of that! You could say we’re putting all our chips on that number this week. Well, that and the mysteries of the Great White North. Sorry, eh? Episode ingredients: Guy Saleserson, Disgusted by my Siblings, Chris Got a HAM Radio - Yoga Danger, Canadian Mysteries, Acorns in the Mailbox, and Cereal Mascot Lore