Legends In Their Own Minds

While Dave is rightly concerned about the historical phenomenon of 'political impeachment', Johnny’s underlying issue is pretty much with any kind of math.

Johnny's doctor is concerned about his weight - but it's not what you think. Will he survive? Or is he officially doomed?

In Nashville, it turns out the NFL Draft and bachelorette parties are a bad mix. Just ask the bachelorettes who didn't plan ahead. Don't ask Dave, though. That'll just get him started again.

Don't like either candidate from the two major parties and feel you have to vote for the lesser of two evils? Well, it seems you're not alone. Now at least one state is trying to find a clever remedy.

Johnny wants to let out a primal scream about all the "feel good" (read politically correct) ordinances his toney suburban city has been enacting lately. But then if he did, they'd probably slap him with a fine.

Some people think Dave is rude... They'd be right. Just asked the lady who unnecessarily held up the airport security line in front of him!

Someone once said "getting old is not for wimps." As Dave begrudgingly starts to deal with the reality of his inevitable physical decline, Johnny's best guess is that the guy who uttered that line, is probably dead.

Well, the New England Patriots are going to the Super Bowl once again and, unlike most of the country, Dave and Johnny couldn't be more pleased. Oh yeah, and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, he can go pound sand; just not in the Northeast.

Johnny has been trying to get Dave on social media for years. Finally, Dave is connected, but now Johnny has taken himself off the grid...Coincidence?

Johnny walked a fine and treacherous line when his beloved, malapropism-prone wife suggested she was interested in teaching English as a second language. He broached the subject of proficiency and still managed to survive.

Johnny has sleep apnea, so his doctor prescribed a CPAP machine. Johnny won't use the thing because it's noisy and keeps him awake. Dave, on the other hand, thinks it's probably a good thing for Johnny to breathe when he sleeps. That Dave... he's such a giver!

Have you ever rented a car from a well-known company, had it break down in the middle of nowhere on a 100-degree day and when you call the 800 number, the woman in Mumbai tells you they always have problems with those cars? Dave has, and it was F-airly U-gly.

Johnny's wife enjoys going to weddings. Johnny, not so much. He'll go because he wants to be a good husband. After all, he may not be a romantic, but he's no fool.

Johnny's feeling extra old these days. And his children can't wait to remind him of it.

We really hate the pathetic game of media and politics. Perhaps we need a Trump card.

Is ten people living in a small house too much? Paging Captain Obvious.

Some people say moving to the south is a downgrade. We think those people are very smart.

We're ambivalent about this crop of presidential candidates. We're not so blasé about past winners.

Dave's movin' south. And by south, we don't mean the N**meg State.

Johnny gets lots of credit card offers. Don't they know his wife has final disapproval?

There are an amazing number of words that you should never use and stuff. Irregardless, it's very hard not to, honestly, just literally have your head maybe explode.

If Dave & John broke out of prison, what would they do? The answers made Johnny fraidy scared.

Comcast customer service is an oxymoron. The rep who spoke to Dave is a bona fide moron.

Dave's car is in the shop and his rental car should be. We're talking scratches and the aroma of wet dog. But, enough about his personal life.

Johnny's a biker, but he's not in a gang. He thinks that's a Waco idea.

It's been a year since Johnny had a heart attack. He's fine now. However, his next scheduled procedure might end up being an even bigger pain-in-the-ass.

Johnny and Dave are unashamed white men. Ben Affleck, however, has taken his white guilt to a whole new level. You might say he's a slave to political correctness.

When Johnny's wife speaks, everyone listens. Because, according to him, nobody knows what the hell he/she's saying.

It's a trial living in Boston. Bad traffic. Cold and snow. Democrats. No death penalty. Texas is looking pretty good right about now...

We all know Johnny is easily irritated. What he doesn't know is why some people insist on whistling in public, thus causing him to hit a sour note.

Johnny is rarely on the left side of anything. Driving in Barbados forced him to the other side of the road, much to the chagrin of his white-knuckled family.

Johnny dreaded his family vacation in Barbados. He worried it might not be "a day at the beach." But, much to his surprise, he was wr-wr-wrong.

Super Bowl XLIX is almost here and our 2 Legends are feeling anxious. As fans of the Patriots, Dave and Johnny don't want to, once again, feel deflated should their beloved team lose. (See what we did there?)

Dave and Johnny are nervous fans when it comes to the NE Patriots playing in the NFL playoffs. Now, before you and the rest of America get all hateful regarding our Legends' favorite team, just remember, the name Tom Brady has a nice ring to it... Actually 3 rings to it...

The internet is down in Dave's office, Johnny's LED bulbs don't work in his chandelier, and the podcast sound mixer is always a problem. We know, First World Problems are a real pain in the... circuit box.

A little bit of freezing rain sends New England drivers into a tizzy. Hello people? You didn't see winter coming? These drivers are divided into two groups, idiots or maniacs, and you know which type you are.

Dave shaved his goatee and Johnny was quite surprised. People say Dave looks years younger. In fact, if Johnny were to let his gray beard grow, our 2 Legends might be mistaken for father and son. Hey, it could happen.

There is a dearth ($10 word) of dining choices near Dave's office in "Idaho." Usually, it's the Chinese buffet or a place that doesn't have meatloaf. Please note: chopped sirloin is not almost like meatloaf.

Johnny's a bit miffed. What else is new? He offered to buy his dad's old car hoping his father might give it to him. Uh, not so much. Dear old dad did accept a bank check though. Ah, family.

So Johnny was suffering from "numb wrists", and he thought it would be a great idea to have an acupuncturist stick needles in his ears to fix the problem. Makes sense, right?

When someone close dies, do you "grieve" by cracking jokes? Johnny does; it is who he is; he can't help it. He's even prepared a few quips should Dave precede him below the grass.

It's fall in New England and Johnny's revving up his new gas-powered leaf blower. He should hurry though, because soon it might be outlawed in his snooty suburb.

Dave and PRY4SNO begged out of a rainy Thursday night Patriots game to "study." So, Johnny took his wife, daughter, and son (who brought a flask). It was painless.

You've all seen those avid cyclists with their colorful-spandex-Euro--scruffy-bearded-I'm-better-than-you attitude. Well, Johnny is having none of it, especially when those weenies feel the need to give him unsolicited "advice."

We love autumn in New England, but the daunting prospect of winter tempers that affection. And Johnny likes the smell of burning leaves, but his enviro-conscious, nosy suburban neighbors had to call 911 "and ruin it."

Dave and his college buddies reunite once a year, but no one knows why. Chicago was their place of choice this time and, as usual, Dave found many things which annoyed him, not the least of which were the hapless Cubs and baseball in general.

Johnny's whining about how his family seems to challenge him on everything. Dave rarely tests the big guy because he knows he comes off as reasonable by comparison.

One of our Legends is prone to vanity and, surprisingly, it's not the younger of the two. Johnny actually spent $75 on a tooth whitening kit which left his wife with some bitter aftertaste.

We know Johnny is old and he talks about his aches and pains ad nauseum. But, ever since Dave turned 40, he's been hearing noises emanating from his body, and they're not from the Mexican food he ate the night before.

Johnny was good this year and bought his niece's school supplies before the last minute rush. What he didn't realize was all that stuff was a lot more expensive than when he was a kid during the Eisenhower administration.

What would you pay for lunch at the local zoo? Johnny thought when he left Disney the price of a simple meal would be more reasonable. Well, it's time to wake up, smell the deep fryer and open your wallet.