Crazy for Swayze

How Madeline Got Her Groove Back, or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Laudanum

L.O.W.E. R.O.B. has a backstory, and it's way more complicated than it needs to be.  This time, I.T. is coming for your healthcare. 

We swore we would never watch it again, but this time we're joined by an expert in fantasy medieval times. This movie doesn't know what it wants to be, except that it wants us to be having fun. It's kind of like Shrek?https://www.facebook.com/KnightsoftheNewOrder/

Jordan Vonzynda brings the Swayze Boys a very rock n' roll film by Jim Jaramusch. Y'all, Vince likes Elvis. Big Life: https://biglifehc.bandcamp.com/album/big-life

Danny joins the family caravan back and forth from The Hazard Mansion to Mount Royal. In this episode of the Civil War Epic, everyone is getting down. Virgilia crosses a line for good. Ashton crosses a line for evil. The final daddy dies. Forrest Whitaker has some screen-time. This episode features an abortion! Classic Swayze.

His wife is the one who got the titular deal, right?

Welcome back to The Little Stinker Bad Movie Awards! Doug Tangent and Amado Guadarrama (from Norcos Y Horchata) have SO MUCH CONTEXT for the first Marvel movie. He's not like the other guys; because he's a duck. Early on, we have to break the news to Doug about Jeffrey Jones. Then Amado introduces us to his cousin named Cleveland. And then .... so much more. This episode is sponsored by Fernet Branca and MC Human Caviar. This is actually only 2/3 of what we recorded, and if you want the rest, head over to patreon.com/noonework hereNorcos Y Horchata: https://norcosyhorchata.bandcamp.com/music

Maddie rejoins the Swayze Boys in a post-apocalyptic wasteland where cars and guns are obsolete, and swords rule the land. It's a less-than-great Mad Max clone starring our boy and his frequent collaborators: Brion James and Lisa Niemi. We're fighting once more for limited stores of water, but Lisa finds an unlimited aquifer! Swayze plays dad to a kid called Jugs, cucks Brion out of house and home, then leaves unceremoniously after returning justice to Lisa's little corner of the wasteland.

Bee careful what you search for. Jerilyn Jordan and Alicia Massey - together reunited with the Swayze Boys after Eyes Wide Shut - take a surprise ferry trip to the land of Wicker. It's kind of like The Village, but about girl bosses. Or Midsommar, but even more misogynist. Or even... The Wicker Man (1973), I guess, but less British.Maggie Mae Fish Video Essay: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7wNDJ9BiUY

Pickle joins The Swayze Boys, plus guest co-host Mal, on their Civil War Journey. She's got hot takes! George and Orry take over their respective families. Everyone hates to love Ashton, and hates to hate Virgilia. Billy and Charles (and Ashton and Bret) are all grown up. Everything that's old is new again.

Dan Stover is back, and ready to talk copaganda and masculinity on this, our 200th episode. Geese are inherently anti-fascist.

The Swayze Boys wacth Swayze's interviews in episodes 933 and 1614 of Conan's run as the host of Late Night. Is Swayze acting like a himbo as a joke in the context of Late Night Patriarchy, or did Buddy have too much to drink? Featuring an unexpected discussion of Dominionism, and many calls to action (swayzepod@gmail.com)!

Troy Duffy: back at it again. In a movie full of villains and other murderers, the worst thing a man can be is GAY.

Orry has The Malaise. George makes nice with The Irish. Bent gets revenge. The more things change, the more things stay the same. 1985 TV Producers never saw us coming.

Basically a shorter The Green Mile. A cool concept with questionable executiom but cool effects. Maybe other episodes of this anthology series are better?

Jerilyn Jordan loves this movie and hates Lowe Rob. Is David Lynch in the room with us now?

Open up your ears - it's time for your audio vaccination against walking pneumonia and toxic masculinity! Kadee Spangler returns, this time with her beau, Tom and brings along our first Swayze-adjacent recommendation of the year. Lori Petty brings the iconic comic character to life a movie equal parts horny and RANDOM

Prepare your loins for the sexiest and most-expensive TV Miniseries from 1985: North and South. Mal joins the boys to admire the period-appropriate attire and and critique the chivalrous masculinity of 1842. Don't sleep on this series! It just might be the Swayziest thing ever committed to film. But is it Lost Cause propaganda? NEXT TIME, ON NORTH AND SOUTH.

Shawn Neil, Bike Jousting Expert, brings us one of his foundational movies. It's about a preacher and his daughter. She's a girl in trouble, and no one knows how to help her. Until Kevin Bacon brings his brand of city-slicker fun! Yet another movie where the central conflict could be solved by a man just fucking his own wife. 

Climate change wrecks havoc in our modern world, and cyborgs ravage the future of 2027. Hold tight the ones you love. The androids are coming for your family.

It's a smorgasbord of Swayze Adjacent Actors! We've got Lisa Niemi, we've got Don Swayze, we've got C. Thomas Howell, we've got Marshall Teague and a bunch of behind-the-scenes players, and we've even got Lowe Rob! Does this documentary get to the heart of Our Hero, or does it only breeze past the darkness? Can it be both?

It's a new year, and we're back on our bullshit. A new theory emerges on the Purpose of The Floor, and the evidence is pretty convincing, regardless of how A Beautiful Mind it all sounds by the end. All hail Lowe Rob.

This is an odd one, folks. Did you know that inventor of the the Erector Set was a war profiteer who had the power to cancel, then reinstate Christmas? And would you believe that he was a benevolent capitalist who believed in the power of play? Or that he, and the actor who portrays him in this movie, was a magician? Surprises about in this historical biopic! Big ups to Pickle and Anne for rejoining us and rounding out the year! The Lowcocks: https://www.thelowcocks.com/

Alicia and Andrea (plus Santa bells) rejoin the Swayze Boys at the Edmonton Mall for their annual Christmas Rewatch of THE Patrick Swayze Christmas Classic. It's Christmas Ghosts all the way down, folks.

Danny Bolterstein and Shane Stroud combine their opinions and decibels, and decide that "hobo" isn't a slur, which is good news for this movie! It's a dad movie that every crust punk and their pa could agree on. We used to be a proper country!

Tom Skill, Bud Koltys, and your very co-host, Josh, form 3/5's of a defunct ska band, and join your angelic host to talk about a made-for-TV Christmas movie. It's got an actress who plays an angel on TV and a character implied to be an angel, but no Santa. Questions abound about OSHA, HR, and NAFTA situations. As always, child acting should be illegal.

Allison and Kyle Wieshaupt rejoin the Swayze Boys on the Warner Family farm in North Dakota and learn a thing or two about how to mix city and country sensibilities. What is The Spirit of Thanksgiving? Why are families? Who is Pauly Shore? Enjoy this one before, during, or after munching on some grindage.

Beth Grant is one hell of a character actor. You know, the lady you love to hate. She came into our lives doubting our committment to Sparkle Motion and captured our hearts getting sucked under a bus in Speed. Where is East Carolina? What does Civil Rights activism have to do with a prolific acting career? What's up with her husband's look? All this, plus a short review of Beth Grant's directorial debut, on Danny's new show.

In this episode, Bret Michaels is Buffalo Bill. We meet the the plethysmograph. Shane crowns Bret King in the North, then makes more allegations about Big John, all the while stanning Tiffany (whom is sadly eliminated). If you like it, episode one is also available (FOR FREE) at Patreon.com/nooneworkhere

What is journalism for? Why are movies? Will Alex Garland ever make another movie? This episode was never meant for public consumption. Happy post-Election Day! patreon/com/nooneoneworkhere

Amy Plunkard, née [REDACTED], and Mike Walsh join the Swayze Boys, seemingly unwillingly, to watch the legacy-sequel to Jon Carpenter's Halloween. Amy and her mom share holiday trauma. Mike hates this movie with passion. Vince almost forgets about the Tigress. Josh tries to keep the damn thing on track. The opposite of friends is teeth.

Kadee Spangler and Mal rejoin the Swayze Boys at the Salem Town Hall Halloween party. While there, we concoct an idea for a 4th of July party that truly celebrates history, but get interupted by three resurrected witches hunting for kids' souls to suck. Dadcula and Momdonna stand out, but Doug Jones is the real star of this Disney classic.

It's a sleepy throwback episode with 80's Expert, Eric Ketchum. Wax on, wax off, etc. Swayze should've been Kreese.

Kara and Zach (collectively, the Oddity Shop podcast) dive headlong into our third and probably final watch of this Gyllenhal classic. We all watched it separately to maximize productivity! The Swayze Boys have questions about the paranormal and Noah Wyle. Zach and Kara have answers, but also questions of their own! Lots of talk about The Veil, Director's Cuts covering up bad movies, and possibly an overarching theory of supernatural experiences? Something profound, or pure gobbleygook? You've gotta listen to find out!

DeMarco and Jo join in on the fun for a classic horror comedy (from the director of Leprechaun 2: One Wedding and Lots of Funerals!). Devon Sawa does some great clowning to match Christopher Guest aka Handy Serkis! Weed is good! Cops are bullies! Dexter Holland is there! Mighty Joe Bong! It's a movie for Roger Ebert, us, and also stoned young dads everywhere.

Andrea Kaminski joins the Swayze Boys in their first-ever aerobics class, led by Jamie Lee Curtis and also attended by John Travolta. It's vigorous. It's sweaty. It's PERFECT. Ultimately, this film is about as Swayze, on our Scale, as any can be. "EAT SHIT AND DIE." -Jeff Rosenstock / Mark from this movie

The Floor: Episode 3 (2024) [Swayze Adjacent].talking The Whale(s) for a second time this month, and identifying more images (with and without) Rob Lowe. Sorry, Shane, this episode contains Forest Whitaker but we didn't know! THE MOSHUMENTARY: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHkSs9k5ME4 THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY LOWE'S HOME IMPROVEMENT.

Jerilyn Jordan and The Boys delicately dance around "The Greatest Tragedy in American History." Nic Cage and Oliver Stone restrain themselves in this "Disaster Movie," but we basically refuse to. and, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR: PLUTO TV! "The commercials are pretty innocuous!"https://www.nytimes.com/2015/09/17/arts/television/steve-rannazzisi-comedian-who-told-of-9-11-escape-admits-he-lied.html

Strap on your universal translator and tune into YouTube for Keanu's first and only directorial venture. We're alone now with our dear, sweet, and beautiful listeners, and ready to digest what we've learned from Keanu Week.

Jo, Mal, Pickle, and Alicia are all back to celebrate Virgo season and our #2 man. John Constantine is so cool, you guys. We wish Catholicism were real.

Danny Bolterstein returns, and so do Bill & Ted! Danny brings actual information, for a change, and tells us about makeup and the history of playing games against Death. This movie is rated PG - yay! Check out patreon.com/NoOneWorkHere for a brand new podcast hosted by Danny Bolterstein: I KNOW THAT GUY

Get a strap on your jock and drive out to Miss Gill's Hockey Player Warehouse (where every hockey player should learn to read and write). Jake brings his hockey expertise to the table while we talk about an insane movie that's sort of the opposite of Goon, and also quite a bit darker than we previously recalled. And now we finally have to count the horses for real. Shout out to John Zamboni! TAKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF

Shane brings us another Whitaker watchable, this time from Mr. Suicide Squad himself: David Ayer. Keanu plays a character we haven't seen much from him in the past, as does Forest. This is the weirdest kind of copaganda. Keanu gets S.W.A.Y.Z.E. Methoded. Shane fixes The Lake House. This movie is probably more enjoyable than we wanted to give it credit for.

Tim Allen rejoins the Swayze Boys for another late 80's comedy classic, so you know we're talking pinball machines and Keanu's comedic chops. We love this guy. He CAN act! Check out Tim's band, Bathroom of the Future: https://bathroomofthefuture.bandcamp.com/ and here for videos from Cow Haus: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9APvJPTv4I&list=PL13dvb5HtkBzMYGyUd_gy5OakTc9eXoSR

Mike Smith, advocate for devils, returns for our first installmant in Keanu Week. Florida lawyer, Keanu Reeves, moves to the big city, meets his maker (Pacino), and makes a lot of questionable decisions - including but not limited to ignoring and thought-cheating on his wife (Charlize Theron). But don't worry! It's just a test. Meanwhile, this movie hates women! [Trigger Warning: multiple sexual assaults are alluded to, but not portrayed in this film. Also, Jeffrey Jones is in this one.]

Tyler Smith and Samantha Marshment (3 of 4 Marshments collected so far!) guide us through Charlie Kaufman's joint attempt with Spike Jonze to adapt a movie about flowers. WE DIDN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT BRIAN COX PLAYING AN ACTUAL PERSON!!

Danny Bolterstein hosts and brings long-time friend, Bud Koltys, to see a movie about the adventures of Mark Wahlberg's big dumb prostehetic dick, the death of an artform, and friends they make along the way. It's called cooperative overlap - not interrupting! Check out Podsten Dunstcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/3McxRHYfCXdnaL4bJ7cMud?si=062acf7ee83b4eaa and over on Patreon.com for EVEN MORE PODSTEN DUNSTCAST with Danny Bolterstein (and sometimes Bud), Bonus Swayzes, and re-releases of Swayze Pod Classic Episodes at patreon.com/NoOneWorkHere

Your humble hosts affix their eyes, and their eyes alone, on a Kathryn Bigelow sci-fi flick that is, of course, 100% pure adrenaline. No guests, no bullshit, just two dudes talking about a movie made by a lady that [TRIGGER WARNING] features two first-person depictions of sexual assault. James Cameron is a sick, slippery fuck. patreon.com/nooneworkhere for bonus content

Cowboy specialist and romantic partner, Mal, returns again for a vengeance, female-led, cowboy-themed Mortal Kombat. Keith David! Gene Hackman! Sharon Stone! A NATIVE AMERICAN CHARACTER WHO CAN'T BE KILLED BY BULLETS (until he can)! LITERALLY JIGSAW! This movie has it all.

Jordan gets out of the house and meets the Swayze Boys in the metaphorical woods for another crack at Swayze's classic 80's family drama. Josh insists on describing John Milius as a fascist despite the word's actual definition. Vince tells us about the magic of things falling off the back of a truck. Jordan asks about The Bechdel Test.

Middle-Tooth Expert, Alicia Massey, and Factoid-Bringer, Pickle Fritz, meet each other for the very first time, then Jo finally introduces herself and her co-host, Mal. In our Top Gun, Iceman is the hero and Maverick is the villain. The gals treat Meg Ryan as their Swayze stand-in, sync up their cycles, and crown 2024 #wetgirlsummer. Thanks to Chez Kane for the exact music we needed. JO FORGOT, BUT YOU WON'T: FOREST BAKERY! FOREST BAKERY! FOREST BAKERY IN OAK PARK! OPEN THURSDAY-SATURDAY, MORNING UNTIL THEY SELL OUT. DELICIOUS BAKED GOODS FOR YOUR FACE AND TUMMY. You can also find a "phantom podcast" with Vince and Josh talking Top Gun on our Patreon - FOR FREE: patreon.com/nooneworkhere