Bad Words Club

Well hello there. In this very special Extra Bad Words departure, John and Justin snuggle up and talk about sleeping. Actually, not sleeping. Turns out neither of us are very good at being unconscious. In this installment we talk about our individual sleepless adventures. So settle in, get comfy, and don't forget to have the prescription for your sleep aid of choice refilled. It's time for the Bed Words Club!

We CONTINUE to talk about Wave of Confusion from last week, because it's such a goldmine. Really, we should write this one. This is the one we should actually work on. Why aren't we writing it right now? I'll tell you why: It's much more lucrative to wait for someone else to steal this amazing idea and then sue them when they infringe all our copyrights. Yeah, that's right, this whole podcast was just a honeypot baby. Come on, do all the work for us and let us sue you. Please? Pretty please?

We only talk about one story in this episode: "Waves of Confusion." It's a doozy. We're in love with it.

Okay I'm EXTREMELY proud of one specific edit in this one. During the intro song, Devil with the Devil, just as the flutes come in Justin's laugh lines up with them PERFECTLY. I heard that laugh while editing and thought, hey, I think that's the flutes. And it was. It's beautiful and deserves to be pointed out. You know what else is beautiful? Your perineum. Still don't know what that is. Not going to look it up. Okay, I looked it up. I stand by everything. Justin has really developed his Pitt Pelvis and decides to start in on his Nielsen Nuggs. If you love instructional golf satires this is the episode for you. Stories discussed in this episode: "Martian Dolly" and "A Bid for Sin."

You'll be really proud of us this time around, we actually cobble together TWO WHOLE STORIES, beginning, middle, and end. It's cool. They're good ones too, even though one's about some pretty severe domestic abuse and the other's a guy targeting women with violence. But like, it's the funny kind of abuse and violence. Don't hate the player hate the game. What does that even mean in this context? I don't know. I just have no idea what to write here sometimes. Stories discussed in this episode are "The Healer's Husband" and "Girl Stones."

Hello! The audio is kind of weird on this one, but at least it's short! It was super long when we recorded, but I've never felt so compelled to cut stuff before. Think of this episode more like the "best of" reel from the recording session instead of, like, a standalone work. Also, bad news if you're a professional dancer, this episode is REALLY anti-dance for some reason. I mean I cut a LOT of the anti-dance stuff and there's still a ton in here. Someone's got some issues, that's all I'm saying. Stories discussed in this episode: "Shadow's Baby" and "A Necessary Waltz."

In this extremely-special-but-still-not-quite-as-special-as-we-wanted-it-to-be episode, John and Justin record from the same room! In the same place! Face to face! During a pandemic! We intended to record outside but got rained on. Oh and here's a little behind-the-scenes tidbit: we got up at like 6:00 the next morning to try recording outside again, thinking an episode recorded in the woods at dawn would be neat or fun. That one got rained out too. We were just not meant to record outside. John talks about his underwear again. Stories discussed this time around are an unnamed mystery-solving team of people who faked their death, "Sad Meatloaf," and "Sexy Time Bash." Special appearances by Ben Folds and Harry Roy & His Orchestra. Which reminds me, this episode's got the explicit tag, but it really earned it.

I'm marking this one explicit. We don't say naughty words or anything but there's LOTS of farting and sexy stuff, and some people find that inappropriate. To be honest I don't remember a lot else about this episode right now, so I'll have to come fill in this description with details later.

We're back! Again! Bad Words Club is the horror movie monster that won't die, no matter how awful things get, we will ALWAYS come back from seemingly permanent hiatus despite (1) dismemberment (2) mutilation (3) explosion, and we will find you, listener, and we will still have that machete or whatever from Act 1, and HO BOY are we ugly now. In this episode we discuss Crime of the Ugly Mermaid, Sentimental Conspiracy, Snake Nazis, a WHOLE LOT of Jim Varney (RIP, please go watch some Ernest movies), and Justin introduces a new segment that inspired me to make some REAL EDITING decisions. Altogether, one of my favorite episodes so far, and you're wrong if you disagree.

Do you like scary things? Do you read books? Do you raise children? Where do you find the time!? Maybe it's time for a break, maybe what you need is the scariest book about raising kids to ever be gifted to new adoptive parents by a state entity. Introducing Extra Bad Words: High Risk. It's the only podcast that may actually prevent you from being killed in your sleep. Stay tuned for actual episodes, coming soon!

Beedle-a-deedle-a-weeedle weeeeeeldeah-weeeee, ahba-weeeeeeeeedleadedlea deeeeee dallllla deeedleah de-weeeeeeble (ah) weeeeble (ah) deeeeble-a-wheeeeeb a weeeeebleadeeeebleah deeeeee buh buh buh-weeeeeedlea-deeeeeedleah (ah, ah) da-wheeeeeeeeblea debleah deee deee deeeeeeeblea wedle-edle-edle-edle aweeeeeebleadeeeeeeee badeeldleah-duh-whah whah wheeeeeedle a bedldldldldleeeblelelel (ah) bah-wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Episodes discussed in this episode: The Slowest Pistol, Quest of Noon, The Unnatural Guitar.

Okay so, depending on where you live it's TECHNICALLY still Friday, and we're not yet legally "behind" by any episodes, though you might start to wish we were. Justin and I were going to just let this week go by because it's... uh... crazy out there. But then I, John, accidentally found some inspiration and recorded/edited this episode WITHOUT JUSTIN'S KNOWLEDGE OR CONSENT, I cannot express strongly enough that Justin should not be held responsible for this travesty of an episode. Wow. It's rough. I'm doing this, though. We'll see if I leave it online very long. Yikes. I marked this one as having explicit material.

In this episode: Fan Mail from John’s brother, John’s nipples, “My Kingdom of Thirst,” The Ascent of Stan, Justin gets a phone call or two, otters are rapists, “God’s Valentine/A Duke’s Rose,” Justin mentions syphilis, we completely fail to talk about “Frontier Diplomat,” “Candles in the Wood,” and “Mail-Order Sins,” but we do discuss the movie Se7en for like 15 minutes. Justin talks about Laserdiscs even more often than John talk’s about the Pitt pelvis. Justin issues a serious challenge.

The gang quickly but briefly gets political in this episode, John miscredits the Potatoe Vice President and we both forget Dan Quail’s name. Justin’s next movie gets some workshopping, but unfortunately I don’t think he actually had time to make BUT the discussion is timely! Finally we swing hard into something more our milieu: Oompa Loompas. In fact we come up with a great fanfic book no one’s allowed to steal or write before us. We said it out loud so it’s copyrighted and ours now. Wow we talked about Willy Wonka for a long time. Also worth noting: Justin’s kids have amazing comedic timing. Stories discussed in this episode: Justin’s Cupid Movie, The Filthy Goose, and The Husband Clinic/The Atomic Wife.

John is recording from a closet now! He feels safe and sounds great and has some AMAZING MOVES. We hear back from our number one fan and decide to drag her for some reason, despite her very nice thank-you email. John definitely says “corbid” instead of “corvid.” For some reason we end up weaving two different titles into cult stories, and honestly I would join either one of them. We get mad at every Bethany and pick up a lucrative Coldstone Creamery sponsorship maybe? Stories discussed in this episode: Pools of Ignorance, Five Inch Mask, The Crystal Lips, and Coldstone Fox.

Season three is here! This is it! This is the best season! I can feel it in my bones. In the first episode alone we invoke "no pogo" TWICE. John says something so controversial he makes the decision to self-censor in editing. Justin's heritage comes into question, some fonts get sexy as hell(vetica), and we lose our lucrative My Pillow sponsorship. THAT'S JUST EPISODE ONE, PEOPLE! We've already got two more of these in the chamber, too. Buckle the heck up. Finally, LET IT BE KNOWN THAT JOHN ABERNATHY IS NO COWARD and he is very good at the banjo. Stories discussed in this episode: Satan’s Cat, The Reversible Policeman, Hitler Irresistible, Romance on the Committee, Pillow Ace.

We start off the new year by wrapping up the old season. John and Justin briefly share and expand upon their two favorite stories from season two. I'm very, VERY excited to get started with season three.

Is your name Hannah? Does your last name start with G? Did you write us an email like six months ago that we never acknowledged or responded to? Do you still, for some reason, pay enough attention to this long-abandoned podcast to see this episode go up? Well, lucky day! This entire episode is JUST FOR YOU. We're finally answering your email, apologizing for yet another long hiatus, and talking a bit about season three. Hello Hannah G.! You're great. Thanks or listening. Sorry we're so bad at this!

Bow before me, mortal listeners, for I have edited an exhausting four-hour recording full of yawning gibberish and coma-inducing digressions into a roughly one-hour experience that is significantly less torturous. In this, the pre-game to the finale, Justin and John narrow down the twenty best stories from season two. Because we're awesome and good at podcasting the intro is a visual gag, and I THINK we're going to post it on our twitter, @badwordsclub, so go check that out if the first couple of minutes are too confusing. Once again, thanks for hanging out through yet another hiatus. We're going to be making some process changes for season three, so hopefully we'll be able to get the podcast as regular as a healthy dump, and almost as funny.

In this special episode of The Bad Words Club, we get an update on the original children's swear committee we stole the show's name from. We pitch embarrassingly few titles because we keep getting distracted. John's dad used to keep a goat in his basement and the voices in Justin' head turn out to be real. Also I guess neither of us noticed that we accidentally talked about BOTH tiki torches AND Pepe the frog this episode, which is why I decided to give it the "Explicit Content" warning.

Somewhere near the intersection of Lisa Frank and H.P. Lovecraft you'll find episode eight of The Bad Words Club. We actually manage to concoct SEVERAL great stories this time around, which is kind of a miracle because I think we were both in foul moods all day. We forgot the word "Purgatory" and I STILL can't remember what that thing on the front of the boat is called. It's a "figurehead." I had to look it up just now.

We do just fine this episode. We pitch someone's vampire erotica for free, Justin stops himself before he tells a really bad joke, and I manage to cut a two-hour conversation down to just about one hour. We ALMOST made it all the way through without forgetting someone's name, until Justin BRIEFLY forgot about Malcolm McDowell.

This episode is just ONE DAY off schedule because I just straight up forgot to upload it yesterday. Lame. We forget all kinds of things this episode, such as the French clown Pierrot. John takes a while to come up with the name Pauly Shore, and we kick off the episode by confusing Lawrence of Arabia with 1001 Arabian Nights. Also I think this is the one where we admit we can't remember the difference between Catcher in the Rye, Field of Dreams, and Bull Durham. Later, we call out Youtube’s secret farm equipment snuff accounts and Justin shares a not funny story about industrial waste in Colorado. This episode brought to you by Flex Seal™. It’s good for boats!

In this VERY SPECIAL and VERY SEXY episode, John and Justin challenge themselves to only pitch stories with romantic elements. It goes about as well as it could go. Which isn't great. Is it any coincidence that, in this very same episode, we settle on a podcast "safe word" to prevent more "pogo stick" recordings? Yes, that is a coincidence. Stick around after the show for some great Yoda-related horror content.

The bad news is we have a soundboard this episode, the good news is we don't use it much. John forgets the word "cash register" and we cut out a bit where he also forgot the phrase "plastic surgery." We also cannot remember the difference between "The Man with One Red Shoe" and "The Man Who Knew Too Little," which is a crime. Also, there's some really bad audio production on this one but rest assured, Justin is not stuck a tin drum somewhere. He's got a better mic now and future episodes will sound a lot less like he lives in a shipping container.

Justin lands on this episode's funniest joke before we even play the intro music. This one's a little shorter than normal because we had to cut out SO MUCH JOHN. Here's just a few of John's insane ramblings that will never see the light of day: a story about frowning when he pre-screened Disney's Tangled, some light blasphemy, a claim posted on one idea because it's kind of too close to something he's maybe someday going to write about in a novel (probably), and a seven-minute rant about the dangers of abusing VR for propaganda. I can't help but recall that Season 1's second episode was kind of a pile, too. Maybe this is the curse of the Bad Words Club? Like how every other Star Trek movie bites it, maybe every second BWC ep is destined to be a big steamy one?

Bad Words Club is back from hiatus and ready to get rowdy. As of this moment we actually have the next two episodes recorded and in various states of editing. We're messing with the format a little this season with an eye toward actually producing a story or two. Keeping with tradition, we forget the name of a movie about summer school from our childhood (the movie was titled "Summer School"), and we butcher Michael Flatly's last name.

John and Justin meet face-to-face for the very first time EVER and record a special in-person episode of The Bad Words Club. Frogs fail to materialize and the sound quality is especially abysmal. We forget what trichotillomania is and confuse it with both Propecia and alopecia. In an extra-long bookstore segment we dissect some very good and responsible purchases. I think I edited it out of this episode but there was a ghost in the room that turned the bathroom light on. Also, this combo-breaking episode is the first one John doesn't drink through beginning to end. Tune in next week when John begins trying to break his six-episode streak.

Whoa! While Justin and John are both traveling for a couple of weeks, enjoy this embarrassing stumble backward through time. Learn the secret of the Bad Words Club title! Hear the very first recorded episode of BWC! Get nostalgic for the days when we could go a whole episode without forgetting some celebrity's name! What a treat!

This week the podcast finally finds some direction: advertising. While John begs for money and forgets the phrase "one trick pony," Justin talks about the severed robot heads of his past. We bring up Star Trek AGAIN. Twice. There's a touching skit about well-intending muscle bros that goes a little too far (or maybe not far enough?), and in the bookstore Justin doesn't get to talk about Barf because he's too busy barfing.

Condolences to our headphone listeners, this episode has some "unique" clicks and whistles that are just like waterboarding your eardrums. I'll watch some youtube tutorials and get it right next time. In this episode John misidentifies some cheesecake, the show gets its first piece of fan mail, and we both forget Michael Gross' name. Hey and we have a website (BadWordsClub.com) and twitter (@BadWordsClub) now. Neato.

In this episode John forgets Charlie Chaplin's name and Justin forgets the title of Naked Lunch. We take our very first trip to the Bookstore and do a VERY professional job of pitching a VERY real book. People I'm afraid I said offensive things about in this episode include conjoined twins, Aztecs, and chocolate bunnies. Speaking of which, I think I was too hard on Bill Murray in the last episode description. And we have a website and Twitter now! Check out www.BadWordsClub.com for both.

You know what? If we're being honest this isn't my favorite episode, mostly because we both forgot John Ritter's name. Man, and Bill Murray's recently turned out to be a little disappointing, huh? I don't know. Maybe we just don't have the hang of detail episodes yet. Maybe it's just not safe to have idols any more. If you find comedy in bleak, hopeless decision-making this is the episode for you, though.

Justin hijacks episode 1 and turns it into a Tim Allen fancast, John doesn't know how rodeos work, and we both overestimate how well we would fare in a fight with birds. Get it while it's hot and fresh (your mom's hot and fresh), it's the the very first Bad Words Club!