Engineering Love

In this episode, Kim sits down with eating disorder specialist Sarah Burney to unpack what's really going on beneath "food noise," body dissatisfaction, and chronic struggles with eating. This conversation moves beyond surface-level advice and into the deeper emotional, neurological, and relational drivers of disordered eating. They explore why food is rarely the actual problem, how shame quietly fuels the cycle, and why changing your body never resolves the underlying distress. Sarah also clarifies common misconceptions around body dysmorphia versus negative body image, explains when professional support is warranted, and offers a grounded framework for helping both yourself and loved ones without reinforcing shame. This episode is for anyone who feels consumed by food thoughts, stuck in body-based self-worth, or confused about where healing actually begins. Guest: Sarah Burney Licensed in CA, AZ, OR, and PA burneytherapygroup.com Timestamps 00:00 – What "food noise" actually feels like 02:31 – Stress eating, dopamine, and emotional regulation 03:54 – Food as self-soothing vs avoidance 05:06 – When food thoughts cross the line into needing support 05:26 – Medical vs psychological red flags 06:03 – How shame initiates and sustains disordered eating 07:19 – Why changing your body never solves the real problem 08:21 – Is body image ever the root issue? 09:00 – Core beliefs, trauma, and self-worth 10:15 – Why success and appearance don't fix internal distress 11:15 – What treatment actually looks like 12:11 – Body dysmorphia vs negative body image (important distinction) 14:12 – Separating self-worth from self-improvement 15:35 – Being treated differently based on appearance and why it matters 17:18 – Why reaching the "ideal" body doesn't bring relief 21:04 – The belief underneath "I need to look different" 24:33 – Disordered eating vs diagnosable eating disorders 25:26 – Why eating disorders are not about food 26:48 – How loved ones can help without causing harm 29:47 – What to look for in an eating disorder specialist Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

In this episode, I'm joined by Alex Beattie, founder of The Divorce Planner, to talk about what actually helps in the earliest stages of separation and divorce. Alex is a divorce prep coach who works with people before they hire attorneys or mediators, helping them get grounded emotionally and prepared practically before big, irreversible decisions are made. We talk about the grief, shame, and identity disruption that often catches people off guard, even when divorce feels mutual, and why slowing down at the beginning can protect you emotionally and financially in the long run. Alex's web site: https://www.thedivorceplanner.net/ -------------- Timestamps & topics 00:00 – What a divorce prep coach actually does How divorce prep differs from legal strategy and why preparation before calling a lawyer matters 02:15 – Why people want to "just get it over with" Emotional overwhelm, avoidance, and the risks of making decisions from shutdown or panic 03:50 – Divorce as the end of an imagined future Grief, loss of identity, and facing a blank slate you didn't plan for 06:10 – The emotional pain people underestimate Why sadness, grief, and shame still show up even when divorce is the "right" decision 08:40 – How childhood patterns resurface during divorce Why old narratives about worth, safety, and capability come back online 10:20 – Divorce and confidence collapse Questioning your value, competence, and future, especially for stay-at-home parents 13:05 – Reframing skills, worth, and capability Recognizing transferable skills and rebuilding self-trust 14:45 – Retraining the brain during a destabilizing life transition Awareness, emotional regulation, and building stability when everything feels uncertain 17:00 – Social stigma, family reactions, and judgment Why divorce still carries shame and how others' reactions can complicate healing 19:10 – The most unhelpful things people say during divorce "Well-meaning" comments that actually increase shame and self-doubt 21:30 – How friends can offer real support Listening, practical help, and showing up without trying to fix or judge 24:10 – Letting yourself receive support Why isolation makes divorce harder and how connection actually builds resilience 28:40 – Why you should never negotiate money without knowing your numbers How fear around finances leads to long-term regret 30:10 – The 5-5-5 decision rule Evaluating divorce decisions based on their impact over time, not just immediate relief 32:00 – Final advice for early-stage divorce decisions Why slowing down now protects your future self and prevents costly mistakes later -------------- Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

You understand why you avoid. You see the pattern. And you're still doing it. In this episode, Kim Polinder explores the frustrating gap between self-awareness and actual change — and why insight alone rarely leads to different behavior. Rather than framing change as a decision or a motivation problem, this conversation breaks down procrastination as a capacity issue. Kim walks through four common "false fixes" people rely on when they're trying to change — strategies that look responsible on the surface but quietly reinforce avoidance. Using real-life relational examples, nervous system science, and practical reframes, this episode explains why waiting to feel calm, trying to be perfect, forcing yourself through hard moments, or endlessly consuming self-help content often backfires. The focus is not on fixing yourself, but on building emotional capacity: the ability to stay present with discomfort, repair when things go sideways, and stop turning one hard moment into a verdict about who you are. Timestamps & Topics [00:00:00] – The Conundrum: Why self-awareness doesn't change behavior. [00:01:39] – Defining Capacity: Why change requires extreme discomfort. [00:02:48] – False Fix #1: Waiting to feel calm or "ready" before acting. [00:03:59] – False Fix #2: The perfectionism trap and the cost of "doing it right". [00:06:50] – False Fix #3: Forcing exposure without a support system. [00:08:45] – Pausing to Avoid vs. Pausing to Build Capacity. [00:14:09] – False Fix #4: Searching for the "Golden Key" of insight. [00:16:40] – Short-term relief vs. Long-term training of the nervous system. [00:19:35] – Why willpower fails under emotional threat. [00:22:00] – Compassionate Curiosity: How to stop abandoning yourself. [00:24:37] – Why we lose access to our skills when triggered. [00:27:13] – The Lab Partner: The necessity of community and repair. [00:29:14] – Invitation to the Virtual Cohort: Building capacity in real-time. Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

In Episode 10, Kim opens Season Two by breaking down procrastination in a way most people have never heard it explained before. This episode isn't about productivity, discipline, or time management. It's about emotional risk, fragile self-esteem, and the identities we built in childhood to survive. Kim explains why procrastination shows up around the things that matter most. Big conversations. Creative work. Boundaries. Healing. Growth. And why avoidance isn't laziness. It's protection. Drawing from attachment theory, trauma, neurobiology, and her own lived experience, Kim connects procrastination to emotional attunement, identity, shutdown, people-pleasing, catastrophizing, and the fear of inner collapse. She also explains why insight alone doesn't change behavior, and what actually has to shift for real movement to happen. –––––––––––––––––– Time Stamps & Topics 00:00 – Rage, triggers, and decades of stored emotional memory 00:25 – Why feeling misunderstood cuts so deeply 00:52 – Procrastination isn't about time management 01:22 – Emotional risk vs practical difficulty 01:50 – Personal example: writing a first book 02:29 – Procrastination around hard conversations 03:01 – Mistakes, shame, and fragile self-esteem 03:59 – Inner collapse and identity threat 05:04 – Why systems learn to avoid emotional danger 05:28 – What self-esteem actually is (and isn't) 05:51 – Self-esteem as emotional resilience 06:25 – Emotional attunement explained 06:44 – Empathy vs shared experience 07:37 – Why "they'll never understand me" isn't true 08:10 – Childhood emotional neglect and minimization 09:14 – Avoidant coping and jumping to solutions 09:57 – Why being sat with matters 10:27 – Religion, conflict avoidance, and emotional bypassing 11:30 – Biology of trauma and implicit memory 12:33 – Adoption, abandonment, and cognitive bias 13:46 – Anger as a lifelong trigger 14:52 – Suppression vs expression of emotion 15:41 – Coping mechanisms and shutdown 16:24 – Anxious vs avoidant responses in conflict 17:09 – Self-esteem and "what happens when something goes wrong" 18:28 – Catastrophizing and control 19:13 – Why anxiety feels protective 20:00 – Avoidance as nervous system safety 21:25 – Silence, minimization, and relational procrastination 23:14 – Childhood roles: good child, peacemaker, achiever 24:38 – Survival strategies vs self-esteem 25:27 – Relational procrastination and suppressed anger 26:25 – Waiting until you're angry to speak 27:08 – Walking on eggshells and staying silent 28:02 – Triggers as accumulated implicit memory 29:12 – Why your partner isn't the whole cause 30:07 – Shutdown as self-protection, not punishment 31:05 – Why insight doesn't change behavior 31:56 – Awareness without emotional capacity 32:23 – Cognitive vs behavioral change 33:11 – Reframing hard conversations 33:56 – Procrastination in personal growth and healing 35:02 – Childhood identities and family roles 36:16 – How family freezes you in old identities 37:35 – Why growth feels threatening 38:05 – Holding competing emotions about parents 39:22 – Letting go of old identities 40:05 – Why growth feels risky, not empowering 41:18 – What actually reduces procrastination 41:46 – Emotional regulation and self-trust 42:09 – Questions to ask yourself about avoidance 43:16 – Tasks that carry emotional weight 43:44 – Identity disruption and behavior change 44:31 – Alcohol, belonging, and identity shifts 44:58 – Pay attention to what you avoid 45:26 – What avoidance is protecting –––––––––––––––––– This episode is especially relevant if you feel stuck despite insight, avoid hard conversations, or keep postponing the things that matter most to you. Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

Welcome to "Engineering Love," a relationship podcast where Kim helps you build better connections by troubleshooting communication and conflict resolution. This episode highlights these questions: Q1: How do I move to a more secure attachment style? How do I communicate with my avoidant partner? Q2: How do I handle self-doubt and build confidence? Q3: What are relationship tips for partners who both struggle with depression? Kim's next virtual workshop: How to Manage Guilt & Shame. To register or watch the replay: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder To work with me in an affordable way, join my private membership community where you'll get access to ALL past and current workshops, exclusive video Q&A not posted on social media, journal prompts, and live chats with me to address any other challenges you're working through. Sign up here: https://engineering-love.mn.co/spaces/11088591 Kim's website: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder  Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/  Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kp_counseling108  Kim's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kp_counseling108  Submit a question for the podcast: https://www.speakpipe.com/KimPolinder  Podcast website: https://www.engineeringlovepodcast.com/ 

Welcome to "Engineering Love," a relationship podcast where Kim helps you build better connections by troubleshooting communication and conflict resolution. This episode highlights these questions: Q1: My partner abused me for 8 years and says he has changed. How do I know the change is real? Q2: My boyfriend and I go in cycles where he cheats, acts devastated when caught, we get back together, and then he does it again. Q3: My father-in-law treated me horribly during my postpartum, and now I want to draw boundaries with him before our next child. How do I get my husband on board with this? Kim's next virtual workshop: Healing Betrayals & Infidelity. To register or watch the replay: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder Are you frustrated that therapy is too expensive or every therapist you pursue has a waiting list? Then come work with me in my private workshop community. In my live virtual workshops, I teach you tools for managing triggers, increasing self-esteem, and improving communication in your relationships! Register now to work with Kim in her live workshops:  https://engineering-love.mn.co/share/gqt40jODluLg4kyp?utm_source=manual  Kim's website: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder  Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/  Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kp_counseling108  Kim's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kp_counseling108  Submit a question for the podcast: https://www.speakpipe.com/KimPolinder  Podcast website: https://www.engineeringlovepodcast.com/ 

Welcome to "Engineering Love," a relationship podcast where Kim helps you build better connections by troubleshooting communication and conflict resolution. This episode highlights these questions: My partner avoids me and shuts down. How do I handle this being anxiously attached? My partner will not commit to marrying me, even though I communicated marriage being a priority early on. What should I do? I often take on tasks that no one else wants to do, like a martyr, and then feel resentful toward my friends. Where does this come from? Are you frustrated that therapy is too expensive or every therapist you pursue has a waiting list? Then come work with me in my private workshop community. In my live virtual workshops, I teach you tools for managing triggers, increasing self-esteem, and improving communication in your relationships! Register now to work with Kim in her live workshops: https://engineering-love.mn.co/share/gqt40jODluLg4kyp?utm_source=manual  Kim's website: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder  Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/  Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kp_counseling108  Kim's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kp_counseling108  Submit a question for the podcast: https://www.speakpipe.com/KimPolinder  Podcast website: https://www.engineeringlovepodcast.com/ 

Welcome to "Engineering Love," a relationship podcast where Kim helps you build better connections by troubleshooting communication and conflict resolution. This episode highlights these questions: How do I be empathetic with my partner? How do you support someone who is grieving or sad? How do I stop self-sabotaging? To book a complimentary consultation with Mason: https://kim-polinder.clientsecure.me/ Kim's website: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder  Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/  Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kp_counseling108  Kim's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kp_counseling108  Podcast website: https://www.engineeringlovepodcast.com/ Submit a question for the podcast: https://www.speakpipe.com/KimPolinder 

Welcome to Engineering Love, a relationship podcast where Kim helps you build better connections by troubleshooting communication and conflict resolution. This episode highlights these questions: I'm caught in the middle between two people not speaking to each other How can my partner and I prevent microaggressions toward each other? How can I avoid feeling guilty when I draw boundaries? Kim's website: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder  Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/  Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kp_counseling108  Kim's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kp_counseling108  Podcast website: https://www.engineeringlovepodcast.com/ Submit a question for the podcast: https://www.speakpipe.com/KimPolinder 

Welcome to Engineering Love, a relationship podcast where Kim helps you build better connections by troubleshooting communication and conflict resolution. This episode highlights these questions: How can you be your own source of happiness? How can I practice self-love while being in a relationship? How do you handle constantly comparing yourself to other people? Kim's website: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder  Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/  Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kp_counseling108  Kim's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kp_counseling108  Podcast website: https://www.engineeringlovepodcast.com/ Submit a question for the podcast: https://www.speakpipe.com/KimPolinder 

Welcome to Engineering Love, a relationship podcast where Kim helps you build better connections by troubleshooting communication and conflict resolution. This episode highlights these questions: How do you handle anger and resentment toward the father of your child who left and never came back? How do you save a marriage after having multiple infidelities and truly want to change your ways and reconcile? How do you decide to end a longstanding friendship, and how do you communicate that to the friend and mutual friends? Kim's website: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder  Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/  Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kp_counseling108  Kim's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kp_counseling108  Podcast website: https://www.engineeringlovepodcast.com/ Submit a question for the podcast: https://www.speakpipe.com/KimPolinder 

Welcome to Engineering Love, a relationship podcast where Kim helps you build better connections by troubleshooting communication and conflict resolution. This episode highlights these questions: How do you handle it when your partner doesn't respond to text messages or communicate throughout the day? Can a marriage survive multiple affairs? My partner wants a future with me, but feels I'm not meeting her standards. She wants a "perfect" relationship and is never satisfied. Kim's website: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder  Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/  Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kp_counseling108  Kim's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kp_counseling108  Podcast website: https://www.engineeringlovepodcast.com/ Submit a question for the podcast: https://www.speakpipe.com/KimPolinder 

Welcome to the inaugural episode of Engineering Love, where Kim helps you build a better relationship by troubleshooting communication and conflict resolution. This episode highlights these questions: How do you help a partner better understand your depression/anxiety when that is something they don't experience in their own lives? How do you resolve conflict when it comes to house chores? What do you do when you keep breaking up and reconciling? Kim's website: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kp_counseling108 Kim's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kp_counseling108 Podcast website: https://www.engineeringlovepodcast.com/ Submit a question for the podcast: https://www.speakpipe.com/KimPolinder