Why Does My Partner

Dear WDMP Community,What an incredible journey it's been. We feel so lucky to have been in connection with you over the years as we've explored your burning Why Does My Partner… questions. With over 100 episodes across 7 seasons, this podcast has been a labor of love—and we could not have done it without your thoughtful engagement, deep curiosity, and ongoing support.It's with heavy hearts (and full ones) that we've decided to end production of the podcast. This decision wasn't easy, and the reasons vary for each of us. Like many of you, we're noticing the weight of the world, and our capacity is more limited than in the past. At the same time, we're each growing in new directions, creating other kinds of learning and growth experiences for both therapists and laypeople alike. And because Why Does My Partner… has always thrived on the collective presence of all three of us, we agreed that if we can't all say a wholehearted “yes” to continuing, it's time to lovingly close this chapter.We're incredibly proud of the show we created, and we're so grateful for the richness it's brought to our lives. To ensure it remains a resource for you, all of our episodes will stay available on your favorite podcast platforms for years to come. Keep listening. Keep sharing. Let these conversations continue to spark insights and connection in your lives.In our final episode, we offer some parting thoughts on how you can keep nurturing healthy relationships in your own world. Thank you for being with us—through every question, every laugh, every moment of truth. It's been our joy and honor.As our paths continue to unfold, we'd love to stay connected. If you're curious about where each of us is headed next, come along by joining our individual mailing lists:Jules: https://www.julianetaylorshore.com/the-newsletterVickey: https://unmessyourmind.com/#NEWSLETTERRebecca: https://connectfulness.com/newsletterWith respect, wonder, kindness, and courage,Rebecca, Jules, & Vickey

As we reach the end of our season 7 deep dive into communication, it's no surprise that so many of the same themes have kept showing up in our conversations, and that so often, what they're about is owning our unmet needs. So it feels right that we should land here, with an episode that unpacks just that, and once again invites us to let go of the strategies we think we need to get what we want, and to get more in touch with the real needs we may be trying to express.Thanks as always, dear listeners, for sticking with us for yet another season! We'll be back soon with another miniseries, but in the meantime, we'd love for you to stay in touch! Write in, send us your questions, leave a review, and join us for a workshop!And as always, love each other the best you can.Quotes:when we only have one way to meet a need, that is a recipe for fearMy needs are okay, even though they will not always be met.“The pain sucks, but the fact that the pain is here is okay. It can be welcomed.”Jules' book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

How is it that two people could remember an event so differently, and both be so sure that their version is right? Why is it so hard to take in when someone suggests that our memory of something isn't true? How can it be that two people can both be right about a memory, and at the same time both be wrong? On today's episode of WDMP, we've got a few answers for you, plus a suggestion for how you can start to guide yourself out of this stuck place and into greater intimacy in your relationship.Quotes:“The truth is, no one is actually totally right, and everyone is probably a little bit right.”“Embrace the nature of the differences in the way we see reality. To try to get that not to happen…is a recipe for pain.”“We can't rely on memory as fact.”Jules' book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

One cool thing about neurodiversity is that if you get three friends and podcast co-hosts together to talk about a listener question, a lot of the time they're going to have three very, very different relationships to the question…and not one of them is more valid or valuable than the other!That's exactly what's happening on today's episode of Why Does My Partner, as we dig into how couples communicate around making plans, scheduling, and navigating social engagements. Like so many of the topics we talk about, there's no right way to go about it, but what's important is that there's an explicit, shared understanding of how it's going to be in your relationship.Feeling lost on how to get to that place of understanding? Then this is the episode for you!Quotes:“if we're talking about something that has a little bit more of a tenderness around it…we have to have some kind of temperature check inside of our relationship.”"How do you do with making direct requests? What work do you need to do between you and you in order to feel supported enough, stable enough in yourself to go ahead and make that ask?”Jules' book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

What happens inside of our brains when we face potential conflict? A whole lot is what. One thing that we don't always realize is that we have subcortical systems that start going into hyperdrive, make meaning out of what's happening and hopefully keep ourselves safe. That meaning making is automatic and unconscious, and draws on what we've learned in our pasts, both implicitly and explicitly, about how we feel safety and belonging. That means that if your past has taught you that conflict can get you hurt, rejected, or shut down, or maybe hasn't even taught you that there is anything else you could do, of course you're going to avoid it!The thing is, there really are other ways to approach conflict, and some of those ways could even bring you into closer connection with yourself and your loved ones. If that sounds impossible to you, we've got a ton of resources to support you. For a start, give this episode a listen, and try out some of what we're talking about. We think you might end up changing your mind.Quotes:“being able to be inside of discomfort is something that not everyone has a nervous system that knows how to do…yet.”“I'm not running the risk of betraying me if I'm checking in with me first.”when, when we take in information from the world, we're taking that information inside our bodies“what's the cost to me as an individual if I don't bring my voice into this conversation? What's the cost to our connection? Where does this lead us? What's the potential benefit of bringing this in?”Jules' book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

“Why does my partner criticize my parenting?” If you're in a partnership, even without children, there's a good chance some version of this has come up for you. Whether it's parenting, pet care, finances, sex, you name it, both you and your partner are carrying a bunch of (often unconscious) assumptions about how something should be done. Coming out of conflict means moving from those implicit beliefs to explicit communication, but how do you do that without blame, power struggles, and hurt feelings? Well, that's what this whole season on communication is all about!Quotes:"What are old needs, longings, meanings that are being met when you want to parent “your way?”“[What's] hard is where we get stuck inside of ourselves. The hard is not how we navigate it together. That actually undoes aloneness”When you're having a communication issue, can you do a YOU-turn and ask yourself, what kind of communication are you trying to achieve?”Jules' book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

We love it when our listeners come to us with their YOU-turn already built into the question, not just because it means that what we do is helping someone, but because it means the door is already open for curiosity, vulnerability, and discovery. Today's question does just that. Join us for a discussion of the vulnerability of taking in advice from another person, feeling really deeply known by your partner, psychological boundaries, and how to come out of defensiveness and into repair.Plus, we've got a really great episode of Modern Family to recommend you.Quotes:“Does your partner know about your desire to be known more deeply?”“We all carry different learnings in our psychological floor, in the way we learn to be in the world.”Jules' book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Humans have a deep need for closeness, to feel known and that those around us care and want to know us deeply. And that can feel really, really vulnerable. In this episode we answer a question all about tangling with different ways of showing and asking for deeper knowing in a relationship. In turn, we offer some questions you may want to ask yourself, and then a few more for you and your partner to open up together. .In today's episode we mention Gina Senarighi's fantastic book, One Question a Day To Stay Close and Curious, a Couple's Journal for a Lifetime of Love . To hear more from Gina, check out this interview with Rebecca from back in 2021 on the Connectfulness Podcast.Quotes:"It could be that what questions are meaning to your partner is different than what they mean to you.”“Does your partner know about your desire to be known more deeply?”Jules' book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

The internet (and books, magazines, and a whole lot of couples' therapy offices) are full of scripts to follow to help partners navigate conflict. But what if your partner wants to use a script that's just not working for you? Here at WDMP what we try to provide is a lot more like a map than a script. A map doesn't tell you exactly how to go, it shows you some of the possibilities you have in front of you. It offers opportunities, invites curiosity. It helps you ask “where am I now, where am I heading, and what might be there for me along the way?” Check out today's episode for more, including a sneak peek at the map we'll be providing folks at our next Integrating Mind + Heart workshop!Quotes:“even if you follow a script, it doesn't mean it's going to go well every time”“In order to communicate well, we need to be tracking our brain state.”Jules' book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

When we start beating ourselves up in front of our partners when they have an issue with our behavior, what is it that we're actually doing? Can we talk about that for a minute? Actually, we already did, and it's this week's of the podcast! Hear us chat about shame pits and grandiosity, listening and remorse, self protection and vulnerability, and…throwing babies? All this and more on the Why Does My Partner Podcast!Quotes:We can't talk about hard things when we're not in integrated brain states.There's difficulty moving into remorse.You can pick up your own baby.Jules' book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at ourupcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

As couples' therapists, the most common questions we get are about communication. But what does it take to make that work in a relationship? That's such a big question, that we're dedicating this entire season to talking about communication!First off, how do you listen when your partner brings up something sensitive? Y'all, listening is really vulnerable. It means putting yourself aside for a moment to be there for the other person and acknowledge that you may have caused them pain. When you're in that space it's so easy to get defensive or go into shame and then, you guessed it… you're not listening anymore!Never fear, in this episode we're sharing some key skills for you to try out right away, whether you're the listener or the talker. So have a listen, subscribe, and as always, take care of each other the best you can.Quotes: “As a culture, we do a pretty decent job at saying ‘here's how to speak up for yourself'…and a pretty icky job at saying ‘here's how to listen.'”“Listen with the possibility of believing your partner.”"We struggle to listen to when we struggle to sit with grief""Remorse can come very naturally if you let it.”Jules' book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Stay tuned for Season 7, all about...communication!

Why do I have to feel bad for my partner to feel better? When does venting cross the line and become unloading? Guest host Ann Kelley joins us one more time to talk about power dynamics in relationships. It can feel relieving to unload your frustrations, but is it causing your partner to shut down? Or is the venting partner looking for some kind of feedback that they're not getting, making them feel like they have to keep unloading till they get a reaction? As always, there's not one answer, but we can offer a roadmap for how couples can start exploring this for themselves.Finally, if you haven't already, make sure to listen to episodes one and two of this miniseries with Ann and check out her podcast Therapist Uncensored as well as her upcoming book, Secure Relating.Quotes:“Its really hard to listen to pain and not attempt to change it.”Recommended Reading:Secure Relating by Ann Kelly and Sue MarriottSetting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered by Juliane Taylor ShoreShare your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

We're back with special guest Ann Kelley of the Therapist Uncensored podcast, and folks, she's dropping knowledge bombs left and right on this one. Our question for today is from a listener in her 60s, getting ready to put herself out there to date after a divorce. We've all got so much to say about this one, so let's get right to the quotes:Quotes:The red flag is when we're not paying attention to something that's happening internally or we're dismissing part of our experience.Our value systems don't have to be identical, but are they aligned enough?Having a difficult time saying “I'm sorry has a lot more to do with our nervous system than our knowledge.We don't need to find the perfect person. We need to find somebody that's willing to grow with usSometimes a red flag doesn't mean run, it means explore and learn more.Recommended Reading:Secure Relating by Ann Kelly and Sue MarriottSetting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered by Juliane Taylor ShoreShare your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Welcome back to the Why Does My Partner Podcast. For this bonus mini-series, were joined by Ann Kelley from the Therapist Uncensored podcast to tackle our next set of listener questions. Ann is a licensed psychologist and co-author of Secure Relating along with her wife and podcasting partner, Sue Marriott.Do you and your partner have rituals when you come back together from being apart? Today's question opens up our to ways that implicit memories can stir up old learned expectations of what happens when someone leaves us. If you've experienced painful separations in your past, your body may still be expecting that, even when your mind knows that nothing is wrong. We talk about how that could show up for either partner in this situation, and Ann shares her unique way of describing attachment styles, and how that can help folks have a smoother separation and reunion in their partnerships.Quotes: “we evoke a fight sometimes because we want it to match what's going on inside…and if my head says it should be fine, but my body doesn't, well then I'm gonna go for what I'm feeling.”Recommended Reading:Secure Relating by Ann Kelly and Sue MarriottSetting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered by Juliane Taylor ShoreShare your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Dear listeners, before you start listening to this episode, would you try something with us?Sit back in your chair. Take a breath for a second. Notice that you're alive and breathing. Notice the sensations in your body that tell you that you're alive. As other thoughts start to pop up, don't try to push them away just yet instead just let yourself notice that they're there. Notice them, and now go back to your breath. Take your time. What's happening inside you now?This, dear listeners, is withnessing, and it's what this episode is all about. Or listener question speaks to a deep desire to be taken care of by their partner, so we start by asking, “what kind of state are each of your brains in? When you're worked up and upset, your brain is going to have a really hard time giving or receiving support, even when that feels like what you want to do most in the world.So take a second to slow down. Witness what's happening inside you and give your brain a chance to shift into a state that's more interested in connection and bonding. Showing up for yourself is where it all starts.Quotes:The part of your brain that's going to help you shift from one state to another is going to be activated when you slow down and watch what's happening right now inside you.In order to be there for my partner…I don't have to worry about how to soothe them. I only have to worry about how to witness me.There is something so empowering about knowing I don't have to wait for my partner to be integrated enough to support me. I can do this for myself.This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:Let's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP' discount code." Therapy WisdomTherapy Wisdom

If your partner asked you to tell them how they should change, would that feel gratifying or scary? And how would you react? If that thought makes you uncomfortable, we think that's the perfect time for a YOU-turn. And if that thought doesn't make you uncomfortable…we think that's ALSO a perfect time for a YOU-turn! That means turning back towards yourself and being curious about what hopes or fears are hidden underneath that reaction. That will help you get beyond the strategy – what either of you do or don't do – to the underlying need, which is how do you want to feel in this relationship?Quotes:“It's freaking hard to be human with other humans!”“Where do we learn how to be relational? Where do we learn what connection is?”“And so where do we form our protective strategies? It's inside of our early experiences. They're not just there. They're there because.”“If things are going well, it doesn't mean that hard things don't happen. It means that you can turn towards each other when they do.”This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:Let's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP' discount code." Therapy WisdomTherapy Wisdom

What are the conversation patterns in your relationship? Do you tend to leave a lot of space for silence, or talk fast and interrupt each other a lot? Does that differ from how it was in your family growing up? Is there an imbalance, with one person doing a lot more of the interrupting and talking over?…and is it a problem?Today's question asker might be wishing that their partner interrupted them less, but that's not true for everyone. Whether or not you do this has a lot to do with where you're from, your family dynamics and even your neurology. In lots of cultures, interrupting is a sign of excitement and showing that you're engaged, but for others, it can feel rude, dominating, and derailing. It could even be different for the same person in different situations.If you take anything from today's episode, we hope it's this: celebrate your diversity, whether it's cultural, neurological, or anything else. We're all going to do things a little bit different, and that's ok! Take it as a chance to get curious about what's going on in your partner's brain, and to share what's in yours. We bet you'll be glad that you did.Quotes:“there's tons and tons of gifts in fast processing and there's tons and tons of gifts in slower processing speeds…it has nothing to do with intelligence.”“Maybe there's no such thing as neurotypical.”“We don't have to let differences drive us a part, we can meet each other through them.” This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:Let's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP' discount code." Therapy WisdomTherapy Wisdom

Having a trusting relationship means you and your partner never let each other down ever, right? WDMP Podcast listeners know the answer to that one…no way! So what does it mean when we talk about trust in a partnership? Today's listener question leads us right down that path, unpacking the many different kinds of trust there can be, making explicit agreements and setting expectations, and what to do when your partner goes into defensive mode.If you haven't already, make sure to listen to the other episode that we mention in the show, Why Do I Feel So Bad When My Partner Gets Disappointed or Mad at Me? Quotes:"most of us, in most of our relationships, we're having ruptures daily. And if we're doing relationship well, we're catching some of those...and we're making repair.""there's no breach of trust or betrayal without an actual agreement that we both said yes to.""Projection is when I take a feeling that I know very intimately and put that on you."This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:Let's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP' discount code." Therapy WisdomTherapy Wisdom

Anxiety is a signal that's really good at letting you know something isn't working – the only thing is, it's not so good at pointing out exactly what that thing is. Diving into today's question about anxiety in a relationship brings us to unpacking just what anxiety is, attachment styles, culture and epigenetics, and a whole lot more. We also talk about what it means to stop fighting your anxiety and begin to change your relationship to it, and how that can have results that resonate far wider than you might think.Quotes:“It's contagious. It's really hard to be with someone who's anxious and not either feel anxious also or have a desire to turn away...or get them to stop it...or try to fix it, or fix them.”"When anxiety is coming at you, it's really, really overwhelming, and you either join it, or you try to change it, or you try to leave it."This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:Therapy WisdomLet's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP' discount code." Therapy Wisdom

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast. Today's question brought up a lot of feelings in us. More than anything, we want to offer our support and compassion to this listener, and any of you out there, who are feeling iced out of your relationship like this, whose partners react to conflict by threatening to leave or shutting them out for weeks at a time.We also have compassion for the person doing this sort of thing to their partner, for the pain they're feeling, and the stuckness they must be experiencing. We know that so often, this is something that's been learned over many years, from childhood, from one's family and culture.In this episode, discuss some of the ways that someone might end up believing that this is their only option, but we also turn it around and ask, “What are you hoping for here? And have you looked at the cost? Can you find the bravery to try another way?Quotes:“If you have a dynamic where your partner is afraid that you're going to leave, you're basically in relationship with yourself.”This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:Therapy WisdomLet's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP' discount code." Therapy Wisdom

When we talk about repair, we're talking about a whole lot more than saying you're sorry. Sometimes jumping to apologize right away can actually be counterproductive. On the other hand, letting something stay unresolved in a relationship leads to festering hurt and resentment. With today's listener question, we talk about what happens when one person wants to engage in repair after a conflict, and the other person just isn't ready to go there.Plus, we're now officially celebrating 100 episodes of WDMP! We're so grateful to each and every one of you who have listened, submitted questions, left reviews, participated in workshops, and in every other way supported us over the past 3+ years of making this show. Here's to the next hundred!Love,Rebecca, Vickey, Jules, & AlQuotes:“If I initiate a repair and they are not ready to receive that repair, am I going to be okay? If the answer to that is “no,” then I'm not ready to initiate a repair, I'm trying to control [their] behavior.”“…out of connection with myself [is] out of connection with you.”This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learnmore at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:Therapy WisdomLet's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP' discount code." Therapy Wisdom

Today's listener question comes from a partner in a neurodiverse couple, asking us to talk about navigating differences when one partner has neurological differences like Autism or ADHD, and the other is “neurotypical.”Oh boy do we have thoughts and feelings about this! We end up spending a lot of time sharing how neurodiversity impacts our own lives, helping us discover that it's not about one partner being different, but about accepting the reality that we're different from each other. Inside of that, we find a lot of unspoken expectations, fears, and hurts, but…we also find a whole lot of amazing opportunities.Quotes:Are you expecting that what closeness feels like to you is the same as what it feels like to me?We can't have unspoken expectations and think we're going to meet each other in the same place.How do we have a conversation that's less about “you're different,” and more about “we're different?Not the same doesn't mean…rejection…it means not the same.This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:Let's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP' discount code." Therapy WisdomTherapy Wisdom

Our brains are taking in an incredible 11 million bits of information per second! Thank goodness we've got our salience neural network - system of neural connections -- that filters all of that down to an amount we can actually take in and process! But that also means that there's actually a whole lot going around us that we never perceive on a conscious level. So how do our brains decide what to take in or not? What happens when your partner's salience network isn't taking in exactly the same things as yours? It's episode 2 of season 6 of the Why Does My Partner Podcast, enjoy!Quotes:"What is emotionally relevant to you is [most likely] different than what's emotionally relevant to your partner…so if you want to change it, you need to join each other and make it emotionally salient for both of you."This episode is brought to you by Therapy Wisdom.Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:Therapy WisdomLet's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP' discount code." Therapy Wisdom

Here we are in season 6 of the Why Does My Partner podcast! We want to start out with a question we've been getting a lot, especially since our boundary mini-series (go back and give that a listen now if you haven't already!). It goes something like this:“I get that practicing boundaries means working to not personalize others' actions, but also…isn't it fair to ask them not to do something that doesn't feel loving to me?”Of course, it's fair! Take a listen to this episode to hear our thoughts on just that, as well as how practicing your psychological boundaries can actually mean speaking up for yourself more, not less, plus much, much more!Don't forget to subscribe to WDMP on your favorite podcast app to stay up to date with the rest of season 6!Quotes:Your psychological boundary helps you figure out what you're not okay with…and [helps you have] relationally cleaner conversation about the thing you don't like.Setting a boundary is about adding protection, not punishment.I don't need to make you more like me to be okay.I have worth just for being who I am. And I get to speak for that because if I don't, who's gonna?This episode is brought to you by Therapy Wisdom.Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:Let's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP' discount code." Therapy WisdomTherapy Wisdom

For this final episode of our bonus series on boundaries, our listener question is about struggling to say no to physical touch from their partner when they don't feel like it, and wondering “is there something wrong with me when I want space?”No, dear listener, there's nothing wrong with you, and that goes for anyone listening who's ever felt the same. It's okay to want space sometimes, it's okay to express what kind of touch does or doesn't feel good to you, and more than anything, it's ok to talk about these things.So many of us have come from homes and cultures where we were never taught how to say no or have had experiences where we wanted to say no and couldn't. When that history gets carried into our relationships, it can show up as unspoken feelings, resentment, and shame that gets in the way of having those open conversations that make sure there is real, enthusiastic consent.We're so glad that you've stuck with us through this extra-special bonus series, and we hope that in listening, you're inspired to explore your own boundaries with compassion, and bravery. We also hope that we've inspired you to get you're on copy of Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered, written by our very own Jules Shore! It's available now for pre-order, and if you liked what you've heard here, we just know you're going to love this too.Finally, we'd like to leave you with Andrea Gibson poem that Rebecca quotes in the episode:let yourheart breakso your spiritdoesn't.Quotes: You live in your body and you're the only one who can say what feels okay and not okay for your body. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with you for saying no.You don't get to set boundaries and not disappoint people. That's not a thing.Everyone assumes disappointment is bad…what if it's not?Disappointment sucks…but it's not useless.Say yes to disappointment, not because it's good or bad, but because it's part of life.This episode is brought to you by Therapy Wisdom.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:Therapy WisdomLet's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP' discount code." Therapy Wisdom

Y'all, this episode is jam packed. We've got not one but TWO questions from listeners that get us diving straight into you-turns, compassion practices, times out and times in, and so, so much more. Both questions start similarly: “why does my partner push me until I…” but once we scratch the surface, it's not too long before we discover the real question: “When I feel pushed, why do I end up acting in ways that don't feel good to me?”That's what boundaries are all about, folks. Keep listening for some practical tools that will help you develop the brain space to accept that your partner is not always going to behave in the way you want them to, and that's just not something you're going to be able to control. But when you learn to pause and treat yourself with compassion instead of harshness, you'll start to find the space to make choices that allow you to live up to the version of yourself that you want to be.Today's episode as well as this entire bonus series is based on and inspired by Jules' new book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered, available on December 1st at all major booksellers. Pre-order your copy now!Quotes:“Boundaries are not about what the other person is doing. They're about what you do.”“Containing boundaries help us to behave in ways that are in sync with our integrity.”“Compassion [is knowing] that most of us did not get taught anything about how to pause in real time between what we feel and what we do.”“Taking care of you is taking care of us.”Plus this quote, which we mention in the episode, attributed to Viktor Frankl:“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations use the ‘WDMP' discount code at check out.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsThis podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider. Mentioned in this episode:Let's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP' discount code." Therapy WisdomTherapy Wisdom

This is a really special episode of WDMP to share with you! Our regular listeners know that we don't shy away from sharing examples of our own relationship work on the show, but today Vickey takes it even further, signing herself up to do some psychological boundary work of her own right here, on air. As you follow along with Vickey, you'll learn how to discern what really is or isn't about you in a conflict, as well as how to listen with acceptance, allowing and valuing your partner having their own feelings and process, without feeling threatened or hurt.These exercises are based on Jules' new book Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered, available now for pre-order at all major booksellers. We're also so grateful to Vickey for bravely sharing her process, and of course a HUGE thanks to her husband, Gabe, who also gave his blessing to share this with you, our listeners, even though he wasn't there to record.Finally, join us next week when we talk about containing boundaries!Quotes:“If somebody is experiencing disappointment or anger, even in response to a very specific thing you did, that does not mean it's entirely about you.”"A psychological boundary is the space between your mind and my mind where it's totally possible for us to feel very differently…and have it be okay and safe enough for us to stay in connection."This episode is brought to you by Therapy Wisdom.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events Mentioned in this episode:Therapy WisdomLet's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP' discount code." Therapy Wisdom

It's episode 2 of our mini-series on boundaries, and we've got a listener question that we think a lot of our listeners are going to relate to. Have you ever been this person? You told your partner that you wanted something from them, and then they just don't do it. You're upset, of course, because they didn't respect your boundaries! You communicated them clearly enough, so they should have to follow through, right?…right?Here's the thing. Boundaries aren't about getting other people to do what you want. Actually, what they are about is deciding what you're going to do when something happens that you don't like, and then sticking to it. In this episode, we continue our discussion of Jules' 6 steps for boundary setting with some guidance on communicating your needs and wants and how to create your plan for setting an external boundary. If you haven't already, check out episode 1 on the mini-series to get caught up on our introduction to boundary-setting, and stay tuned for next week's episode. We'll be getting into what happens when boundaries are set, and how to deal with all of the feelings that come up, whether you're the one setting the boundaries or the one having boundaries communicated to you. Quotes:Boundaries are self-worth in action. You have to see the value of you to see that there's something worth protecting.A healthy boundary…is one that's flexible and honors your truth.The more protected I am, the more integrated my brain stays, the more relational I can be with you.This episode is brought to you by Therapy Wisdom.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:Therapy Wisdom

Guess what, Jules wrote a book! It's called Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered, and to celebrate, we're doing a five-part mini-series all about setting and maintaining boundaries that actually work. In this episode, Jules talks us through her 6 steps for setting external boundaries, or the boundaries that communicate to others what is and is not ok for you, the boundary setter. Join us to hear about why boundary setting is really all about you, not the other person, and stay tuned for more in episode 2, out next week.Also, don't forget to pre-order Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered, available December 1st, 2023 at bookstores everywhere.Quotes:“What's actually really hard is not to name what we want, but to deal with the response to naming what we want.”“When it comes to control, the only person you get to control is you.”“A boundary is not about getting somebody else to do anything. It's actually about ‘what are you going to do?'”This episode is brought to you by Therapy Wisdom.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:Therapy WisdomLet's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP' discount code." Therapy Wisdom

It's our final episode of season five, and the question we're answering today is “Wouldn't it just be easier if we were all the same?” Okay, that's not exactly true, but we are talking about navigating differences within your partnership, especially when kids are part of the picture. The question starts off with a disagreement about how to mark holidays and important life events, which gets us wondering about the role of ritual and tradition in each of these partner's lives growing up, and the meaning they've taken from that into their lives together. What are the needs each of them is expressing inside of the strategies they are disagreeing about? If we explore those needs, we can start to get at all the implicit learnings that are coming in with them, transforming the argument into a creative collaboration.We're so glad you've stuck around with us for this season of the Why Does My Partner Podcast! We'll be back soon with more content for you, but in the meantime, if you'd like to go deeper, our upcoming workshop Integrating Mind and Heart: A Brain Savvy Workshop That Transforms Your Relationships is happening September 22-24th! It's coming up fast, but there's still time register, so check it out now at whydoesmypartner.com/events. Quotes:"Separate the needs that are getting met from the strategy that you're using to meet them.""Some things we learn about the way the world works aren't learned like a thought, they're learned by being emotionally known.""The conscious brain is not the efficient brain."Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:WDMP Integrating Heart+MindWDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

What if a relationship ending didn't mean it was a failure? It's our second-to-last episode of season 5. We're answering a question that takes us inside some complicated relationship dynamics, from open relationships and polyamory to long distance and relationships with a time limit. We offer a big YOU-turn for you when you're wondering what your partner is thinking or feeling about an issue and offer some compassion for your protective parts that want to “get you out of hard.” Finally, listen until the end to hear what each of us really thinks about open relationships. Spoiler: it's three different things!Quotes:"Accepting that grief is inevitable is about saying yes to a full experience.""What if there is no goalpost for relationship? What if it's just being together in this moment, and then in the next one, and the next one?""If you're ever wondering about your partner's feelings, walk over to them and ask.""The deeper you get, the more you're gonna grieve. But the alternative is saying 'no' and avoiding the whole experience."Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

It's another two-fer episode today, with a pair of questions that have to do with partners interrupting or getting annoyed when the other partner wants to talk about feelings. Plus, we've got WDMP producer/music therapist Al Hoberman back on as a special guest!When is it a good time to bring up 'feelings talk' in your house? During dinner? Before bed? While watching TV? A big part of having these kinds of conversations is knowing when your partner has the capacity to be there with you. And for the listener, it's so much easier to have capacity when you know how the speaker wants you to be there for them. That's why we're spending so much time in this episode on having meta conversations about how and when you and your partner can show up for each other. That means learning to balance short term tension with long term pain, separating vulnerability from shame, and learning how to be with someone's process.Quotes:“That's what happens when we bring up feelings. We go there fast.”“Everything you put out into the world is influencing the world around you. But you still don't actually control other people's feelings. You really don't.”"The brain gauges pain differently depending on how close it is. So, it will guess that pain far away is less bad than pain close to me in time, even if that's not actually true…. We're misjudging the long-term cost vs. the short-term cost."“The experience of being a listener is totally transformed when you know what the person who's speaking wants from you. It's so much easier to meet them there, when you know how they want to be met.”Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Today we have an extra special episode of Why Does My Partner, as we welcome our special guest, Al Hoberman! Besides being the sound editor and producer of WDMP, Al is a music psychotherapist in private practice. He's joining us for this listener question, which takes us down the rabbit hole of asking “Just what is a feeling anyway? How do you know when you're having one, and what counts as ‘talking about them?'” We get into socialized gender roles, communicating without words, learning to tolerate disagreement, and creating a pausing practice to up your self-compassion.Plus, finally we get to talk about Jules' new book, Setting Boundaries That Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected and Empowered. Available December 1st at a book seller near you!Quotes:"Even when someone doesn't know how to talk about feelings…they're being expressed in all sorts of ways that don't involve words.”“Any two people don't really speak the same language. We have to learn each other.”"Relational health means a having a high tolerance for disagreement.""A tolerance for some disagreement is something that we have to be in if we're gonna be vulnerable enough to share our real selves."Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

What happens inside of your relationship when things in other parts of your life start to get stressful? Maybe it feels like you have less time to dedicate to your partner, or that your energy is just completely spent after a long day, and you just don't have it in you to be present and relational. That's the topic of today's question, and it takes us into a conversation all about integrated vs. unintegrated brain states, windows of tolerance, and why scheduling your spontaneity is such an important part of cherishing your relationship.Quotes:“If you want to treat your relationship like it matters, you have to treat it like it matters. You have to cherish the relationship."“Okay does not mean 'It feels good.' It means 'I believe I can handle this. I trust myself.'”“If it's not scheduled, it's not really a priority.”Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact.If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events.Mentioned in this episode:WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Congratulations! You've been working hard on this relationship, and it really feels like you're getting to the next level. So why is it that everything your partner does is so darn annoying? If that's happening for you, you're not alone. In today's episode, we're discussing why we always seem to pick a partner who knows exactly how to push our buttons, and what that can tell us about our own psychological floor. Keep listening to learn about inner fix-it protectors, why we don't believe in finding “the right one,” and how if everything your partner does annoys you, that could actually be a good sign.Quotes:What makes a match right is that we can do the hard stuff, not that there isn't hard stuff.How many of the things that irritate you about your partner line up with things that are tender from your early learnings?One of the best things I can do for my partnership is to protect him from my fantasy.If I'm gonna be authentic, I have to let myself be irritated.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

We talk about hurt a lot on this podcast, so much so that we released a whole mini-series called “Discord Builds Trust...No Really!” (Check it out if you haven't already!) So when this question came along, we had a lot of angles to cover. We discuss making YOU-turns on the stories we tell ourselves about what's happening, and when lashing out is really about a deep desire to connect. We also talk healthy distance, and how sometimes compassion means taking care of yourself, not sticking around for the hope of relational safety. The resource mentioned in this episode is the book Archaeology of the Mind by Jaak Panksepp and Lucy Biven.Quotes:"Compassion is care.""If I start by meeting myself with compassion, I might be able to notice that I have some kind of resource, some kind of other option.”"You are valuable enough to protect.""Hope for showing up in relational health and maturity [shouldn't] mean you're compromising your safety and deep emotional wellbeing."Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

What do apes, grapes, and celery have to do with each other? They're all on today's episode of the WDMP podcast! Our listener question brings us to exploring what lies beneath the desire for fairness, and what's really being communicated when one partner is feeling resentful or underserved. Topics include what it means to attack from the victim position, inherited expectations, and flinging poo. No, really!Quotes:"As an interdependent species, we equate fairness with justice seeking. And it's in our wiring to feel upset…[so] when we're in our couples and we perceive unfairness, what's our move?"“You get to have a pause between what you feel and what you do.”"What is equity to you? What is fairness to you? What is justice to you? And if you get it, what needs get met for you?"Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:WDMP Integrating Heart+MindWDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

We're not going to lie, today's question hit home for a lot of us here at Why Does My Partner HQ. We're sharing our stories of relationships where it was hard to let go as we respond to this listener, whose partner keeps breaking up with her and getting back together...now more than seven times.There's some big YOU-turns to be made in this story, and at the center of it all is the question, “What would happen if you said: ‘No, I don't want this?‘” Would there be grief that you've been avoiding? Fear of being alone? These answers could be "yes" for either person in this story. And it could also be that there's a process going on here, and in that back and forth, there's some kind of learning or repair going on. So, the YOU-Turn is also about realizing that if that's what's happening, and it doesn't feel okay for you, what's the cost of letting it continue?Quotes:Sometimes we're learning what love is as we go.A lot of who I was at that young age was who I was told to be.Clear is kind, and unclear is unkind. -Brené Brown Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsMentioned in this episode:WDMP Integrating Heart+MindWDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Here we are with Season 5 of the Why Doesn't My Partner podcast! This episode is about mismatch, but don't let the title fool you - it's not just about sex. It's about the discomfort of experiencing mismatch in your partnership, and the shame of wanting something that maybe somewhere in your life, you've learned is not okay. Starting with this You-turn, we cover topics like discovering your psychological floor, and how to notice the subtle cues that tell you you're nearing it. How do we open up about our ingrained beliefs around what's okay when it comes to sex? What does it mean to move from a culture of shame to a culture of pleasure?Today's invitation is to start building a map of your relationship to sex, sexuality, and pleasure. What are all the things you've learned from your family, culture, society, and your past? Next, what do you know about your own desire? About what does or doesn't feel good to you? And how has that changed over time? Because it probably has! Once you've done that, take a listen to the episode for an exercise you can do with your partner to get the conversation started.Resources mentioned today are Sex When You Don't Feel Like It by Cyndi Darnell, Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, and Magnificent Sex by Peggy J. Kleinplatz and A. Dana MénardQuotes:“Especially in places where we're all the same, we stop taking risks. We stop trying to figure things out. We're not in a place of, 'I wonder if I did it differently, what would that feel like?'”"Your psychological floor is as unique as a fingerprint.""It's really hard to talk about what we don't know."Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Is there one person in your partnership that always brings up the issues? Whether that's you or your partner, chances are there are some real feelings of disconnection and loneliness all around. On today's episode, it's all about how our attachment styles guide our gut instincts to either distance ourselves from conflict or try to smooth it over right away. We discuss what might be happening when there's a mismatch between those two styles in a partnership, and how stepping up and learning to raise issues is an amazing way to show your partner that they're being seen and heard. Of course, we offer you some tips on how to get into those conversations, and even discuss what to do to help short-circuit the anger and resentment that might be building up, helping both you and your partner come together more relationally.We want to thank you all, our dear listeners for staying with us through this, our fourth and final episode of the Discord Builds Trust…No Really bonus mini-series! We hope that these episodes have inspired you to start leaning into the messy moments in your own lives, risking a little discord, and building a little trust…no, really!Thanks again for listening, and we hope you join us again in just a couple of weeks for the launch of Season 5 on July 18th!Quotes:“All couples need to have a way of saying ‘that doesn't feel good.'""Biologically, every single one of us are born to seek care. And when that care is met with care, then play comes next.""If I'm not risking vulnerability, what am I avoiding?""Rage is a bid for connection.""Most people avoid the fight because they don't know a way out.""What we're trying to build here is our ability to tolerate that this kind of stuff is going to happen. And our trust that we can do this together."Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Ok, so maybe we've convinced you that Discord Builds Trust (No Really!). You're on board, you're practicing sitting with your learned beliefs, and you're cultivating curiosity. Now the moment arrives. There's disconnect, hurt, something went wrong. What do you do? How do you get out of this place and into the trust (no…really!)On today's episode of our mini-series, the question is "Why does my partner want me to just get over the hurt?" We start off flipping the question on its head and pointing out some unspoken feelings inside of that question, which takes us into picking apart the difference between toxic shame and remorse. Finally, we share some strategies for getting out of that shame pit and into a more relational space, ready for repair.Check out this framework for apology and accountability from Mia Mingus, which we reference in today's episode.Quotes:"Hurt is not a bug in relationships. Hurt is a feature in relationships.""Remorse is a trust builder."“If you feel bad about having a painful impact, that says something really good about your heart.""Accountability is not just about apologizing; it's about understanding the impact that your actions have caused on both yourself and others.""Be curious about what would help you move from this disrepair back into connection right now. Right now, not every single time this might come up in the future. Right this second."Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Hello and welcome to episode two of our mini-series, Discord Builds Trust…No Really!It's such a natural, human thing to want to avoid conflict. We all do it! But when we do, we're missing the chance to have a new experience of trying something hard with someone we love, and finding out that we can do it. That's why we call it earning trust.Our bodies and our brains are primed to remember past struggles and do everything they can to protect us by avoiding the same thing happening again. That doesn't just apply to our own lived experiences, but also to the generations of learning that have been passed down to us from our ancestors. They teach us that certain things aren't ok to bring up, are dangerous to even think or feel. That's what Resmaa Menakem is talking about when he says, “Trauma decontextualized in a people over time can look like culture.”In this series, we're inviting you to become more aware of these learned beliefs and to sit with them with compassion and kindness. When you do, you have a golden opportunity to blend that learning with other parts of your brain that can take in the world around you as it's happening right now.You may want to try this exercise from Dan Siegel, which we share in today's episode. It's an acronym called BASIC: Behavior, Affect, Sensation, Image, Cognition. Take it one piece at a time, in any order, asking yourself the questions and observing with curiosity and kindness:Behavior: What am I doing right now? Is my body being pulled to move, or not move in some way?Affect: What am I feeling? Can I notice it and give it a name?Sensation: What are my five senses taking in, and what am I feeling in my body?Image: what images come to mind when I sit in this place? Pictures? Sense memories?Cognition: What thoughts am I having? What meaning am I making up about what's going on inside and around me right now?Quotes:“Trust is not built in moments that are going well. Trust is not built in safety moments.”"You need to rumble in order to earn trust.""What do our histories know about conflict?"“…[fighting about] something that feels like it should be pretty benign…the process underneath it is ‘we don't know how to do conflict. I don't know how to tolerate that we might really see things differently.”“If I come at myself harshly, I'm going to run away from myself. If I come at myself with kindness and curiosity, that might just shift that I know I can do this. And if I know that I can do this, then I can bring it to you.”Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

We're back, dear listeners, as promised with a bonus mini-series: Discord Builds Trust…No Really!Really, it does! We're not kidding with you on this one. So then why are we sometimes more comfortable with superficial, surface level topics? We're opening up this conversation by acknowledging that intimacy is hard, and vulnerability can be scary, and wait – just what is a surface level topic, anyway? The truth is, if you're feeling like there's a mismatch between you and your partner on how deeply you're connecting, there's a lot of reasons why that could be the case. How are you each defining surface versus depth? How were they treated in your respective families of origin? What else might be going on in your lives that might be affecting your capacity for going deep at this moment?When we start asking ourselves and our partners these questions, we're facing the truth that mismatch is inevitable. What feels comforting and close to you might feel invasive and controlling to your partner, and what is light and playful to them could feel superficial or avoiding to you. In these moments of discord, when our visions of what we want our relationships to look like come into conflict with who our partners really are, that's when we can put aside our agendas and approach the conversation with curiosity and connection, with a real desire to learn something new about our partners and offer them the opportunity to learn something about us, too.Quotes:“Everybody has a different magical want.”"For some people, depth brings comfort and safety. And for others, surface or play.”"Go ahead and feel into these moments of mismatch. And then lean into navigating them together.”Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Hello dear listeners! We're popping into your podcast feed today to let you know that our next Bonus Mini Series, Discord Builds Trust...No Really! will be launching on June 13, 2023! To get things going, we're sharing a message from one of you, following up on the question they asked in Season 4. Thank you so much to that couple for sharing their story, and thank you to all of you for listening. See you all again in a few weeks!Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsThis podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Here it is folks, our last episode of season 4! Today's conversation sums up so much of what we've been talking about this season, from slowing down and having the tough conversations, to building trust, to what does it really mean to practice boundaries, anyway?As we discuss this listener's question, we're thinking about how people exist together as part of interconnected systems. When one part of the system changes, it resonates in the whole web, and inevitably creates change. In relationships, that means that when your partner senses you making changes in yourself, they'll respond in some way, whether they're aware of it or not. It could be an uncomfortable change for them at first, and all that newness may make them look for how to get back to status quo. But it also could be that, with enough time and space, there's an opportunity for a new balance to emerge.So what does that have to do with boundaries? It's all about recognizing that we really only have a say over our part of the web. From that place, we can decide how we're going to react when things happen to us that don't feel good, but ultimately, we can't control how that's going to resonate with our partner. What we can do is slow down and tend to ourselves so we can show up to talk about it with our partner with relational presence, feeling connected and protected.Thank you so much for being with us for yet another season of WDMP! You may have noticed that we've switched to a 10-episode-per-season format, which will allow us to emphasize and elongate our miniseries with a bit more consciousness. So look forward to our next bonus miniseries coming soon, followed by another 10-episode season later in the year. Until then, stay protected and connected.Quotes:"Change is one of these amazing things that, when it happens, can really begin to transform a relationship. And it is one of the places that folks get really stuck.""If we make a request, then we're asking for a behavior change. If we make a boundary... a boundary isn't about what somebody else is gonna do. It's about what you're gonna do in response to how someone else is.""How do you tend to yourself in a way that takes good care of you so that you could really show up in some kind of relational presence, feeling connected and protected, feeling that you are able to really be alive with each other?""We're bound to get off course. It's bound not to be perfect. Everybody gets lost on the mountain sometimes. Where you grow the trust though, is not in it never happening, but…in when it happens. What I trust is that we can do this together. We can do hard things, we can figure this out, we can get through it."Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously - Prentis Hemphill Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Welcome back to the WDMP Podcast. Today's question leads us into exploring what we each understand sexual intimacy to mean, and what we can do if that understanding doesn't seem to line up with our partner's. We're encouraging you, dear listeners, to start to learn about and understand your own sexual templates: what are your likes and dislikes, what are some of the beliefs you have about what those preferences mean, and what in your history has led you there? When you and your partner each engage in that personal work, then there's an opportunity to talk to each other, confront the projections that might be going on, and come to a place of greater intimacy and understanding.Quotes:"There's a huge range of how we express ourselves and how we embody ourselves sexually.""Foreplay begins 48 hours before you're intimate with each other.""We're sold this lie, through Hollywood and everything else, that there's something about sex that's supposed to be natural, and we're all supposed to get it.""We're basically looking at two things when we talk about sex. We're looking at, where's the arousal, where's the gas? And where's the brakes?"A great resource for working through discovering your own sexual template is Sex When You Don't Feel Like It: The Truth about Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire by Cyndi Darnell. You can also listen to Cyndi's interview with Rebecca on our sister podcast here: Connectfulness S3E42: The Truth About Mismatched Libido & Desire with Cyndi Darnell.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsThis podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast. Today's listener question asks about a partner who says there's nothing wrong, but the asker is worried he's holding back. We take this into a discussion about trust, and how embracing discord gives you an opportunity to strengthen a relationship. We cover what it means to repair after discord, what the research is telling us about conflict and repair, and how often we can really expect that repair to happen…at least in the way we were expecting it.Today's Resource is The Power of Discord by Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold Quotes:“Trust is built through discord and repair.”“The thing that's needed is the attempt towards repair.… It doesn't have to be perfect.”Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsThis podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Would you know everything about your partner? Like, really, really everything? There's a delicate balance in every relationship between the intimacy of knowing each other deeply and keeping the magic alive with a bit of mystery. In today's episode, we get into how intimacy comes from knowing a lot about our partner, which makes us feel safe, while mystery – leaving some things unknown – brings the thrill of discovery, intrigue, and passion. Too much safety, and you might not have enough passion, but too much mystery can lead to feeling unsafe and insecure. That's where we find today's question asker, who wonders what's going on when their partner seems to disappear into his inner world, leaving them behind. We discuss some of the possible obstacles to sharing and get into what it actually means to pay attention to your own internal experience. Finally, we finish up with an offer for you to get curious and open up a conversation with your partner that invites closeness and discovery.For those wanting to learn more about mystery and intimacy in relationships, here's Esther Perel's book Mating in Captivity, as well as her Ted Talk, “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship” Quotes:“It's the distance and the spice…the stuff that makes it hot - that's the mystery.”“When we're making invitations, they can't be demands.”"From a partner to a partner, if you start a question with a 'why,' it's a good way to bring up defense."“How close would you like to be to your partner? Do you wonder what their experience is like?”"Your brain can watch your own mind."Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsThis podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast! Rebecca is bringing the question today so that we can go deeper on the language of “power over, power under, and power with.”We live in such a hierarchical, win-or-lose society, it's no wonder that we learn to think of power as a zero-sum game, where we compete for who has more control, more influence, more freedom to act. But when we learn to switch to power-with thinking, where power is an abundant, shared resource, all of a sudden it's a lot more messy, a lot less black and white, but there's room for everyone's voice to matter, and to have something important to say.So how do you bring this power-with viewpoint into your relationship? You guessed it, it's about vulnerability. We're inviting you to let go a little bit of your fear of losing power, and trust that when you empower others, it empowers you too.Resources from this episode:All About Love: New Visions by bell hooksBrené Brown's TED Talk, the Power of VulnerabilitySand Talk: How Indigenous Thinking Can Save the World by Tyson YunkaportaQuotes:“The truth is power is abundant. And it can be shared and there's no reason it can't be.”“Power-with tends towards messier conversations with less clear outcomes. Because we tend to be a little less black and white when we're in that space. I want more of your voice in, but I want more of my voice in too, and our voices aren't the same.”“If [power] is finite, then it inherently ends up leading to violence, psychological and/or physical. And so if we want to be part of lessening violence in the world, shifting this thinking is really helpful.”“The longing is to figure out power-with. But we don't even get that, oh wait, you have to change how you think about power, period. And that if you want equality, the messy gray has to be more present in your partnership.”Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsThis podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Can remorse be empowering? Spoilers for today's question, which comes from a listener who finds themselves doing the comforting, when it's their partner who was doing the apologizing. What's up with that? Realizing that you've hurt someone can bring up feelings of shame and guilt, especially when it's someone you love. But letting that shame take over can take the focus off doing the repair work you and your partner need after that hurt. We discuss where that shame comes from, and how the alternative – remorse – actually helps you get out of feeling social threat and lets you hold both you and your partner a little more tenderly.Quotes:"If you are out there in the world paying attention to how people feel about you, you are not weird. You are listening to the bed nucleus of your stria terminalis, which is a fancy word for the part of your brain that is paying attention to whether or not people like you enough to keep you around.""Remorse is a gift to the other person, but...it's actually just as much a gift to you. Because doing that is so in line with your integrity, it actually buoys up your self-worth.""When I move into remorse, I'm completely shifting the focus. I'm no longer inside of self-focus, I'm now moving into a space that's much more relationally focused."Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactIf you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/eventsThis podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.