Crap Movie Club

Bet you didn't see this coming.  After almost 2 years we return and the term 'rusty' comes to mind.  Once you get past the awkward chat about Tim's vacuum cleaner, we spend over an hour reviewing Pierce Brosnan's career defining performance as a a scientist who tries to turn chimps into soldiers.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by FunkmammothDiscord - https://discord.gg/tyYpUdp93c

Out of the blue we 're back for a brief dance with death as we review Cocaine Bear (2023).   This episode features constant mentions of hard drugs -  so if you can't bear that, then viewer discretion is advised.  https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Three things should stay extinct; Dinosaurs, Movie Franchises and Podcasts.  Somehow we're back and reviewing this 2022 cash-grab.  The movie execs were so preoccupied with the fact they could, they didn't stop to ask if they should...or something.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

The podcast that refuses to die releases a much anticipated review of Uncharted.  Listen as we find anyway to reference and talk about films we actually like, such as Money Plane, National Treasure and Sonic.   https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Scream / Scream 5 / 5cream came out earlier in the year and we took a trip to the cinema to see it in 4DX.  Granted this happened in January and I'm posting this in April so we can only apologise to the die hard CMC fans who have waited for a new episode with baited breath.  All signs point to the show being as dead as Dewey Riley, but really it will linger on like the ghost of Billy Loomis.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

The CMC is in session as we review a classic meme of a movie that stars Gary Oldman in 'the role of a lifetime'.  Unfortunately nobody told Gary that the role of a lifetime will involve stuffing his lower body into a sofa and attaching two stuffed trouser legs to make him look like a dwarf.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

"When we first started the show, this is the kind of thing we had in mind, so it's been a long time coming".   Birdemic (2010) is a D.I.Y horror movie by visionary director James Nguyen.  Featuring ear-splitting sound effects, eye watering special effects and head scratching dialogue.  This is one not to be missed.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

After a long and unprofessional hiatus, we're back with a look at 2008's Jumper.   Some say this is Doug Leman's best work, but Mr & Mrs Smith would like a word with you.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Enjoy listening to our review of this cheesy superhero flick from 1996.  Superheroes have come a long way since Billy Zane's portrayal of 'The Phantom'.  For one, they no longer use questionable catchphrases like "nobody refuses The Phantom".  It's probably for the best.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

We deliver on our commitments and complete our review of Netflix's Fear Street trilogy.  Find out if the premonitions which Jordan channelled from the spirit realm come true and listen as Tim single-handily unravels the film makers attempt to make the geography of Sunnyville/Shadyside make sense.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

We review Fear Street Part 2.  It's time for a trip down memory lane for Deena and the gang as they relive the camp nightwing massacre as told by the sole survivor - Gillian Jacobs.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

After a solid month off, we return with a run through of recent Netflix Horror adaption; Fear Street part 1.  Includes a new segment "what crappens next?" which sees Jordan channel the supernatural and make a series of premonitions on what he thinks will happen in part 2.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

The number 13 is unlucky for some, including for you if you lack the fine taste to listen to our review of this 2001 Horror flop.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

We review Phantoms: a very average 1998 Science Fiction / Horror starring a baby faced Ben Affleck, Rose McGowan and Peter O'Toole.  Any Jordan fans may be disappointed as this is the first ever episode without him - but Tom fans will feel relieved to know their favourite history boi is present.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

It's a full on Cage Rage - as we review this 2020 straight to streaming sci-fi mash up.  A team of Ju Jitsu masters fight an alien invader but not even Nic Cage can save this movie from the trash heap.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

We review Twilight with Lauren.  It would be too easy to crack loads of  vampire jokes in this episode description.  I don't want to be a pain in the neck so we will just say that this movie sucks.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Listen as we review 2014 Horror flop 'The Pyramid'.  Max is willing to put money on the fact that in real life, there has never been a booby trap in a pyramid.  https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

A film where you get to see Sean Connery have a fight with the Invisible Man.  Tim insists that the word "Extraordinary" is pronounced differently to the phrase "Extra Ordinary" but a poll of our 3 listeners was inconclusive.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Imagine a film about a futuristic sport that involves motorbikes, roller skates and LL Cool J. You just imagined the bad version of Rollerball. https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

We scrape the bottom of the barrel and review Piranha 3DD. The "DD" is a breast joke and that's about as good as the humour gets in this sloppy as crap creature feature.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Love is in the air as we review Moonstruck - a Rom/Com from 1987 starring Cher and Nic Cage. Super special guest Lauren is back with us and we fail to make it to the end of the episode without offending Italians or people with wooden hands.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

We're back and talking about The Happening. M. Night Shyamalan is a director famously known for his twists, but much to Jordan's disappointment there is no real twist in The Happening and Jordan is not someone who is easily disappointed. I hope you're happy M.Night.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

There's a legend in the underworld of a bullet proof casino in the sky. It's the money plane and forget about it being a legend because it's 100% real and the cast are on board it within 15 minutes of this straight-to-streaming heist movie. https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

The most forgettable film in the Scream franchise is reviewed by the most forgettable Movie podcast. Listen as Max, Tim and Jordan come to the realisation that this film is actually a tragedy about how Cotton Weary's life is ruined by the film's real villain, Sidney Prescott.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Tim hosts as we have a relaxed conversation about upcoming 2021 releases and what we're most looking forward to. Includes lightweight discussion of the following; A Quiet Place 2, Godzilla Vs Kong, Candyman, No Time To Die, Halloween Kills, The Little Things, Spiderman 3, The Matrix 4 and The French Dispatch.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/

We bring the year to a close by reviewing New Years Eve, in which an ensemble A list cast tell us how to think and feel by pulling on our emotional heartstrings. Tom is back as special guest and thinks the most unbelieve bale part of this movie is the fact that someone gave away money from the goodness of their heart.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

We get festive and laugh our way through Jingle All The Way. This legendary Christmas film stars peak Arnie, as he launches a desperate bid to find the hottest toy and save Christmas from an evil postman. Merry Christmas to everyone, from Crap Movie Club xxxhttps://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Lauren's back and that can mean only one thing - The Kissing Booth 2. Listen as we juggle the highest number of subplots ever seen on film and get caught back up in the crazy life of Elle Evans.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

The Crap Movie Club assemble to celebrate one year of the show! In this special episode Jordan plays host and movie exec as Max, Tim, Lauren and Tom pitch their sequel ideas for the Truman Show and attempt to win the favour of our new overlord and his chaotic scoring system.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

We get back to our roots and review a terrible dragon-based film in the form of Dragonheart (1996). Sean Connery voices a cgi dragon in this lightweight fantasy romp; Jordan nails the impression time and time again. https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

We review Bloodshot. It's got Vin Diesel in it so you know what to expect.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Spoiler alert: The monk isn't really bullet proof. Not in the traditional sense anyway and that's not all that's amiss in this 2003 romp starring Sean William Scott as himself and Chow Yun-fat as also himself. https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Halloween (2018) is a slasher film where every single bit-part character gets an elaborate backstory so that when they die at the hands of Michael Myers you don't know whether to feel sad, scared or entertained. Crap Movie Club is a podcast where we create episodes so aimless that you also don't know whether to feel sad, scared or entertained. https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Our childhoods are in tatters as we discuss Bob Hoskins drunkenly stumbling from scene to scene and the abomination that is Yoshi in this 1993 reimagining of everyone's favourite Plumber. "This is the worst film we've ever done".https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Love is in the air as we review Netflix's 'The Kissing Booth' with familiar faces Max, Tim and Jordan, plus special guest Lauren.

The best portrayal of Venom on the big screen was obviously Topher Grace in Spiderman 3, but we've had to settle for second best as we review 2018's Venom starring Tom Hardy. It's a simple movie and we have simple minds so this is a really great fit, with Max only getting slightly confused at the plot, Tim only having to recall a few niche films/actors and Jordan only having to do a couple of impressions of an intergalactic piece of slime.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

This is hands down the most X-rated movie we have talked about on Crap Movie Club (even more X-rated than Jason X!). Between Worlds is a movie where Nic Cage explores his sexual fantasy of retrieving his dead wife's soul from the afterlife and having sex with it. Try not to throw up.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

We're excited for Zack Snyder's cut of the Justice League and to keep ourselves busy, we've had a go at planning our own 'Snyder cuts' for three poor performing movies. Max fixes Pirates of the Caribbean 5, Tom spruces up Tiptoes and Jordan has grand designs for Spiderman 3.

Deep Blue Sea is the quintessential shark movie and there is no debate about it. Just like how Crap Movie Club is the quintessential movie podcast and the kid from Indiana Jones is the quintessential sidekick.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Everything is better when it has an "X" in the name and Jason X is no different. With this 2002 entry featuring a trip forwards in time, a cyborg programmed for sex and countless horny teens to murder, Jason Voorhees has found himself in a literal paradise - now you can experience a literal hell by listening to us try to form a coherent review.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

"This film is worse than CATS" - Jordanhttps://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

In the 80s, McDonald's funded an E.T knock-off and Mac & Me is the result. We watched this so you don't have to. Listen as Max get's confused and thinks that it would be appropriate to swap in a jockey, for any stunts involving an actor in a wheelchair.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

We're back and ranking our favourite movie sidekicks, in a bid to find one sidekick to rule them all! Tim's still playing to win and will stop at nothing to see his picks make it to the tippety top - but do Max and Jordan have what it takes to stop him?https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Riki-Oh is a film about one man's journey for revenge and freedom. It contains a climax scene where a guy is fed into a giant meat-grinder and if you do anything today, go check that out on youtube.

The awesomeness of the G.I. Joe franchise is wasted on us as we review the second movie in this adrenaline-pumping series and get super confused about the Joe's recruitment processes. If you don't listen to the full 89 minutes then you clearly wouldn't have what it takes to join such an elite fighting force. Max is super proud with his pitch for G.I. Juniors: The Next Generation.

The streets of Gotham stink of crime and there are only 3 amateur podcasters capable of cleaning up the filth. Max, Jordan and Tim review 1997's Batman & Robin - a movie with arguably the most erect nipples ever caught on camera.

Things get serious as we rank and assess a slew of movie-based meanies and try to draft our top team of movie henchmen. Tim takes things very seriously as Jordan opts for a different strategy - controlling the scoring system to ensure his picks make it to the top!

We get spooky and review 'Unfriended' - a horror movie which takes place entirely on webcams. Be thankful you are listening to an audio version because what we saw in chatroullete in the intro is not for the feint of heart.https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

We welcome Tom to the show as he helps us talk through A Knight's Tale which is "the best sports movie ever made". We learn the definition of the word "anachronism" and enjoy riffing on all of the 4 montages which they crammed in here! https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

Jordan acts a sublime host while we discuss Movies based on Video Games. What's worked? What hasn't worked? Which games are crying out to be put on the big screen? All the important questions are answered as the Gamers rise up! https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth

This recording may be troubling to anyone who has ever lost a pet, as we run through the trauma of Max's childhood and the movie Homeward Bound. https://www.instagram.com/crapmovieclub/Intro Music - Fingerguns by Funkmammoth