This is M.

Our first of many entries from Taiwan! Recounting a whirlwind week of delicious food, a great date, a close encounter with two vicious dogs, a day trip to Shifen for the Lantern Festival, and launching a new YouTube channel for my video content: Bland Companion. Life in Taipei is good!

One last entry before leaving for Taiwan, the various strengths of cinema and video games as a creative medium, the storytelling of the recent Celine Song film "Past Lives", comparing the storytelling of Ruben Östlund's film "Force Majeure" and Jonathan Blow's "The Witness", a hiccup in my plans to travel to Shanghai, and a final summary of my excitement for traveling to Taiwan.

Technical troubles upon launch, the profundity of Jonathan Blow's "The Witness", the rarefied air of creative insight, and the gatekeepers who shape the narrative of who gets to be labeled a genius.

Operating under the weather, a survey of the Safdie Brothers' films including Benny Safdie's co-creation of the television show "The Curse", planning to vlog in Taiwan, and Tolkien's lasting creative accomplishment despite "The Lord of the Rings" not being great literature.

Thinking through how to continue this personal journal while in Taiwan, possibly starting a vlog, needing to find a sustainable creative outlet, recommendation letters, a survey of the late films of Quentin Tarantino, Christopher Nolan, and Paul Thomas Anderson, the potential miscasting therein, and needing to stand up for myself in therapy.

Gratitude for finding a place in the world like Taiwan to return to, a discussion of Tarantino's late films and how they benefit from repeat viewings, an enthusiastic recommendation of "The Woman King" with Viola Davis, and Tolkien as world creator rather than literary genius.

A roundabout conversation that circumambulates around the topics of my protracted career as a college student, gratitude after graduation, auditioning for "The Voice," and the recent Katt Williams interview that broke the internet. 

Losing weight since the end of the semester, the predictably mundane routine of adult life, the hassle of preparing for time abroad, the enlightened acceptance of bureaucratic nonsense, and the protracted infantilism of many adults.

Recounting the pulling of my wisdom teeth, prepping for Taiwan and grad school in China, getting things for free on account of my hot chick energy, tolerating silence as a benchmark of true confidence, and a brief survey of the classic films, "The Usual Suspects" and "Seven."

A short introduction extolling the virtues of Emerald Fennell's new film "Saltburn," before jumping into the second part and conclusion of my honors thesis: "Confusedly Formed: Xici zhuan 繫辭傳 as a Normative Account of World Genesis According to Baumann's First Principles of Science."

A short summary of life post finals before launching into a reading of the first part of my honors thesis, "Confusedly Formed: Xici zhuan 繫辭傳 as a Normative Account of World Genesis According to Baumann's First Principles of Science."

An almost entirely cinematic installment where I discuss Christopher Nolan's "Tenet" and the creative danger of being confusing, the unexpectedly great new film "Leave the World Behind," and the begrudgingly great "All Quiet on the Western Front," which somehow reintroduces the horrors of war in a world saturated with anti-war movies.

The end of the semester drawing near, having to already send my new firearm in for a repair, a protracted discussion of my simultaneous interest in firearms while also disliking gun culture generally, and the anti-elementary empathy of two Todd Haynes films: "Safe" and "May December."

Depleted again as we near the end of another semester, the swampy sedentary state of doing a whole lot of nothing, the prospect of exchanging  intelligence for happiness, the aspirational self-designation of being "built different," and ye olde plot twist of therapy.

To Portland and back for a friend's birthday, being on the right by virtue of the left's current position, intent vs. impact, the incredulity of the far-left in the face of obviously good intentions, and the political sophistication to be feared from Trump 2.0.

A soupy installment wherein I express my affinity for firearms but disgust with gun culture, my occasional respect for Ben Shapiro despite identifying as a liberal, and my indeterminate position on the conflict between Israel and Palestine when the culture seems to demand you take a side.

The final push of the semester and the looming theses thereto, facilitating an event for Taiwanese opera star Wei Haimin, the adaptive purpose of self-defeating behavior, not having a palate for what is emotionally healthy, and more of the stuff you're used to.

A nearly-aborted entry in which I recount another exceptional experience from my time as a child actor, almost end the episode, but ultimately divert course into a conversation about Tony Kushner's "Angels in America" and disclose my status as a possible prophet of God.

A bit lip, a stye, and four wisdom teeth needing to get pulled are jumping off points for stories about abusing the generosity of a friend's mother, being a child actor, and an evaluation of Stanley Kubrick's "The Shining."

Finally giving some attention to my thesis, Baumann's "First Principles of Science," the creative and the receptive in Yijing and Timaeus, the merits of the new Netflix film "Fair Play," and reevaluating the economy of storytelling in Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey."

The unexpected profundity of encountering ancient cultures in Belize, the weirdness of the weekend as an altered state, "The Exorcist" as a referent for modern horror movies like "Talk to Me," and aging as a barrier to enjoying them.

Christopher Columbus and the conquest of "the Indies" as a circuitous route through the topics of tough teachers, intergenerational trauma, and the music industry.

Emotional whiplash with respect to graduate school, a trend of tepid dates, the self-imposed curriculum of classical music, the merits of the "walking date," and the minefield of moving forward making sure you are doing what you want with your life.

A more punctual entry in which we traverse the familiar subjects of shame in the face of other people's success, finding satisfaction in a life of relatively unobserved accomplishments, and some other stuff about school and Taiwan.

A belated recording in which I discuss leaving my job, possibly putting off graduate school, creative courage, and the life-sentence of mediocrity everyone not named Jacob Collier is condemned to.

A pinball-brained entry about reconsidering grad school applications, the slowing of the creative mechanism, a flat bike-tire, software synthesis, The Divine Comedy, and aspiring auteurism.

Big changes recently including starting the next semester at school and putting in my two weeks at work. Also discussed: taking the ride and trusting the process of less eventful, but more rewarding endeavors.

Falling into old habits since returning from Taiwan, the perpetual disappointment of not being fulfilled by things that should make you happy, the feeling of living life with the e-brake on, and the underlying allegory of the Christopher Nolan film, "Memento."

Good to be in touch again after nearly two years.  In this installment I discuss events since we last spoke, studying Mandarin Chinese in Taiwan this summer, my dating experiences (and disappointments) while abroad, and my ambivalence about coming back to the States and falling into my old routines very easily.

The final episode of the podcast, starting at a new school, the strangeness of taking classes on campus again, reading "Titus Andronicus" and "Antigone," the challenge of Intermediate Chinese this semester, teaching in Mandarin only, discovering the bookstore where I stumbled on the "I Ching" has closed, separating from my girlfriend, being in couple's counseling for the last couple months, returning to the theme of the creative project I have been sitting on for years, wishing I felt inspired to begin that work finally, looking ahead to spending my time on school work and being single, thanking the dedicated listeners of this podcast, and a final goodbye. Music by Disasterpeace.

Reflecting on the end of the podcast, feeling puzzled over the poor reviews, pain in my mouth, doing a deep-cleaning on my place, the external being a representation of the internal, recounting a first date with someone who had the messiest place I've ever seen, feeling insecure about the cleanliness of my own place, wanting to feel like I'm starting over, wanting to get rid of everything, reflecting on seeing the great new film "The Green Knight," looking forward to "The Tragedy of Macbeth" from Joel Coen, rewatching "Midsommar" from Ari Aster, using my time and the podcast to fight off silence and sadness, and looking forward to the final episode of the podcast next week. Music by Disasterpeace.

Finishing strong in summer school, preparing for the Fall semester, studying chess recently, having more tools at your disposal than ever before to learn anything, how "seeking advice" is often a thinly veiled way of asking someone to save you from doing the hard work that is necessary for success, buying a new bag and a bike, entering a period of liminality in my life, how pursuing a creative career poisons the well spring of your creativity, Bob Dylan being as close to a "prophet" as possible, what I hope you get out of the podcast, using what you have to create, and the best creative process being the one that you do. Music by Disasterpeace.

Correcting last week's audio, getting some serious work done at the dentist this weekend, the relief of working toward getting those issues fixed, getting ready for the next semester of school, locking myself out my car today, recounting another time I got locked out of my truck on tour, the strangeness of getting older, hearing from someone at work that they've been listening to the podcast, the vulnerability of having people hear this, the inevitable decline of every accomplishment, being relegated to the "bargain bin" of life, and uncertainty about the future as we near the potential end fo the podcast. Music by Disasterpeace.

The travesty of my first visit to the dentist in sevenish years, needing to end up exactly where you deserve to be in life for your own salvation, the double-edged delusion of "imposter syndrome," possibly taking a break after these 100 episodes, calling myself out for avoiding the subject of the last few episodes, watching Bo Burnham's "Inside" finally, being predictably discouraged by it, the inevitable shortcomings of the creative act, the presence of the spirit in Dylan and David Foster Wallace's work, the spiritual quality of a creative life, and needing to finally live a life that mirrors the creative values I've been espousing. Music by Disasterpeace.

Feeling anxious about this week's episode, hiccups in posting last week's video, continuing last week's conversation, bringing those topics up for the first time in therapy this week, the feeling of safety and self-disclosure, the first time I shared the secret of my substance use after a year in therapy, speaking frankly about shit and suicide, Dr. Pimple Popper, two terrifying realizations in therapy, insight not leading to action, having all the signs I need to do the thing I want to do, the Hamlet-like nature of this creative conflict, steeling myself to finally do the thing, and you being the secret sharer. Music by Disasterpeace.

Treating myself to a new toy for my birthday, living with a broken phone for three years, other potentially self-limiting behaviors, not seeing yourself the way others do, my girlfriend's own insecurities, the "ponytail date," the devastating impact of the release of Bo Burnham's "Inside," creation as the culmination of your experience, feeling locked in your life, betraying a gift from the cosmos, and steeling myself to finally return to work. Music by Disasterpeace.

Not trusting the judgment of critics, the perils of soliciting feedback, not being able to judge yourself objectively, not knowing what you don't know, misjudging the quality of my first recordings, advice and criticism saying more about the people offering it than anything you should do, the profound kernel of wisdom at the center of Disney's "Moana," words of wisdom from the Toyota dealership, surmising the plot of the musical "Wicked" through the song "Defying Gravity," the sheeple of Shakespeare's "Coriolanus," miscasting yourself in the Gospel, the profundity of the exposition in the movie "Hook," and the realization that most of our lives have been bought and sold with our permission. Music by Disasterpeace.

The unlikely influence of pastor John MacArthur, a longstanding interest in religion, stumbling at the end of this first summer session of Chinese, the impact on my confidence, shooting poorly at the range, bleeding chess rating points, feeling creatively deflated also, my suspicion that Bo Burnham's "Inside" will devastate me, betraying my own creative muse, the numinous nature of creativity and inspiration, the creative conversation happening through time and feeling called to contribute to it, feeling like Moses who was kept out of the promised land, and the formative events of your life sounding like a fairy tale to younger generations. Music by Disasterpeace.

Back on top in Chinese class, struggling with a wall to wall to schedule everyday, knowing one area of my life will suffer as a result, recounting the stressors of the week, the horror of the new neighbor's band practice, being noise sensitive, the emotional and psychology imposition of inconsiderate people, everything going wrong that could wrong before my most recent test, having to confront the neighbor's about their noise, a friendly surprise, your silence rotting into resentment, struggling to speak up for myself when needed, not taking responsibility for how other people feel about what you're doing, some unexpected fireworks, and a prelude to a conversation about conservative Christian preachers. Music by Disasterpeace.

Falling short on my most recent Chinese exam, feeling a disturbance in the force leading up to it, intuitive vs. data driven decision making, attending a wedding this week, showing up early and observing "the help," reflecting on the unobserved experience of many musicians, the joy of watching two singles "hook up" at the wedding, the HBO documentary "Allen vs. Farrow," vehemently defending a position without being fully possessed of the facts, the sword of Damocles-type existence of guilty people, and the irony of people holding all of the power yet feeling powerless. Music by Disasterpeace.

Approaching the last ten of the first one hundred episodes, feeling the need to finish strong both in the podcast and in life, self-consciousness as a motivator to perform well, being raised to be a picky eater, needing to overhaul my diet as an adult, being over and underweight and different times in my life, believing I have a mild form of body dysmorphia, impulsive vs. data driven decision making, adventures in taking my girlfriend's bed frame to the dump, publicly shaming selfish behavior, a nose bubble leads to a momentary brain fart, responding to being physically intimidated on the street, and seeing the "sin" in sin but missing the "sin" in self-righteousness. Music by Disasterpeace.

Enjoying the modality of summer school, finishing my time at junior college with straight A's, recounting my time languishing at a junior college in Arizona a decade ago, teachers at that time seeing me and my circumstances clearer that I could, how we use systems of divination like Tarot and the I Ching to give us permission to do what we already wanted to, exhausting my girlfriend (and this podcast's listeners) with my school anecdotes, and the possibility of continuing the podcast past one hundred episodes. Music by Disasterpeace. 

Starting summer school and taking finals in the same week, all of the stressors coming together at the same time, apologizing to those who listen regularly for being absent, wanting to be consistent, living in the same place for the last twelve years, my entire creative output being authored within feet of where I'm sitting now, various reactions to my living space over the years, watching the over-produced "Friends" reunion on HBO recently, yawning, and the yin and yang of Judy Judy and Judge Caprio. Music by Disasterpeace.

The last push before finals, everything coming together at once, preparing a childhood story for ASL which I recount here, my mother thinking she had lost my bother and I at the mall when we were children, not thinking in terms of music anymore, experiencing life through the lens of songwriting at one time, the looming creative project that I have organize my thoughts around for the last six years, the creative conversation happening through time, the way that meaningful messages are communicating through allegory and imagery, the social martyrdom of people who pursue certain ways of living, living in dereliction of that duty myself, equating a mountaineering accident to the drama of living with courage, wanting to save other from our own formative experiences, Shakespeare's "Coriolanus" as the fickleness of popular opinion, giving yourself permission to do The Thing, and the one about the boy who got everything he ever wanted. Music by Disasterpeace.

Missing last week's episode, trying to finish the semester (and my time at community college in general) strong, having to absorb the responsibilities of others, the bureaucracy nightmare of the admissions process, developing the skill of advocating for yourself, shitty service as a consequence of being mismanaged, not living up to one's potential, people making excuses for themselves, leveraging the current pandemic for your own needs, stumbling on an analysis of Bela Bartok's "Music for Strings, Percussion, and Celesta" by my former music theory teacher, and wishing I had been a better student during my time with them. Music by Disasterpeace.

Getting accepted to my four-year school of choice, feeling accomplished for the hard work of the last two years paying off, deciding I want to change my major moving forward, considering comparative literature and East Asian studies, worrying my reading and intellectual interests disqualified me from being a therapist, considering learning Chinese, watching the new "Mortal Kombat" movie and the COVID documentary "The Last Cruise" on HBO Max. Music by Disasterpeace.

Almost skipping this episode, school stress, facilitating training for work, insights from BJ Miller's (formerly of Zen Hospice Project) TEDTalk, priorities changing at the end of life, wanting to get straight A's in school, reflecting on the future of the podcast, what speaking from experience sounds like, conducting qualitative interviews for class, abstaining from social media, watching "The Great Pottery Throw Down" on HBOMax, showing my girlfriend the movie "Searching for Bobby Fischer" for the first time and the virtues of that film, commissioning art from a co-worker, how to valuate your time as an artist, and the interesting form of the first movement of Bela Bartok's first Rhapsody for Violin and Piano. Music by Disasterpeace.

Being stressed to the max with school, telling of "The Gum Story" in American Sign Language, my truck being out of commission after getting side-swiped on the street, dealing with insurance, the added stress of being without a vehicle, starting to play the very difficult video game "Cuphead," the challenge of boss fights, having to suck for a long time to succeed, a crazy coincidence regarding my plans for the weekend, finishing the first season of "Ted Lasso" on AppleTV+, stumbling on "Forged in Fire" on Netflix, dumb dude hobbies, more thoughts on Bela Bartok, comparing the Rhapsodies for Violin and Piano with the Violin Sonatas, the violin player Patricia Kopatchinskaja, and re-telling the "The Gum Story" in American Sign Language with spoken English narration. Music by Disasterpeace.

Feeling run over after a restless night camping, squandering the opportunity to catch up on school work over my spring break, the aversion I have towards the everyday tasks of life, wanting to retire without having a career to retire from, the prospect of living in the middle of nowhere, being combed to be a good consumer, life choices culminating in a social media post, a certain type of celebrity chef as the archetype for success to seclusion of other values, shooting poorly last week, the seasonal quality to my interests, and speculating on the future of the podcast. Music by Disasterpeace.

Being sunburnt, feeling sad when the weather gets warm as well as cold, catching a second wave of sickness after round two of the vaccine, accomplishing the Marksman level of the NRA Marksmanship Qualification Program, navigating firearms culture in the wake of two mass shootings, the targeting of AAPI people, immigrants anglicizing their names, reflecting on Frank Oz directing "In & Of Itself," remembering when I went to summer camp with his son, brushing shoulders with greatness throughout my life, being self-limited by my self-esteem, searching for a father figure in the arts, youth being wasted on the young, wisdom being wasted on the aged, and the crazy hairpiece of director Ken Burns. Music by Disasterpeace.

Getting round two of the vaccine this week, feeling hesitant about returning to normal life, listening to more classical music recently including "classical" radio, SF Opera's streaming broadcast of "Siegfried," and Bela Bartok's string quartets, classical music not being culturally relevant, not liking the culture around most of my areas of interest, failing my first attempt at the Marksman level of the NRA Marksmanship Qualification Program, making things too hard on myself, feeling deflated when the going gets tough, getting an acceptance notification for UC Santa Cruz, the closing of Mills College in Oakland, the incredible Netflix documentary "Operation Varsity Blues: The College Admissions Scandal," watching a lot of "Jeopardy" with my girlfriend, and the existence of blue ketchup. Music by Disasterpeace.