Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast

We couldn't end EHR without answering a few important questions, like: How did idiots like us stumble into podcasting success? What happens now? What happens to the website? And, of course, which Wheel of Time character should have a gun?   EHR Substack

With no more chapters to summarize, it's just us and a Rainforest Cafe-themed novelty light-up cup, trying to decide whether and by what metrics Wheel of Time is a successful series.  

Alright, who put "body swap" on their bingo card? We read the epilogue and talk about who else should have (actually) died, the possible Heroes of the Horn Polycule, Better Amyrlins Than Cadsuane (Literally anyone), Rand Uchiha, and ... God??  

We've reentered Flop City with ch. 45–49. This rushed sequence manages to both under-explain and over-explain itself, and would it really be a Wheel of Time climax if there wasn't misogyny? At least we have Gaul's SWAT team of wolves and Moridin getting his Darth Maul on.  

Ch. 42–44 are packed with character development ... that has already happened! We talk about All the Dads Dying, Logain Inventing CPS, Horn of Valere Orientation, Asexual Artur Hawkwing, and Thom's, uh, Interesting Word Choice.  

Ch. 38–41 are emotional and climactic but largely flopped for us. Why can't Rand stop ascending to godhood? Why does everyone want Lan to be Aragorn? Why is The Beautiful Shendla here? We have these and other questions.  

R.I.P. to, uh, everyone? Not really, but close. We finish ch. 37 and talk about the Hurinspital, how Wheel of Time is trying to be Game of Thrones, the Barbenheimer sequel, a possible Lews Therin jumpscare, and how at least Demandred Has Hobbies.  

R.I.P. to the best character in the series (Bela the horse). Unfortunately she died in service of the worst subplot in the series. We discuss Choice vs. Fate Philosophy, how Talmanes Is In a Saw Trap, Getting a Death Notice from a Wolf, and Playing Evil Catch with My Evil Son.

Why are children on this battlefield? Inquiring minds want to know. We talk about Belinda, Brando Sando Power Activate, Berelain's Herspital, Demandred's Balefire Gun, Shendla's Snipe List, Upgrading to a Lesbian Warder, and Artur Hawkwing as a Mean Bisexual.  

Somehow Demandred has time to ... date? We're confused. As we dive deeper into chapter 37, we talk about Chad Galad's Autistic Rizz, Logain Believes in Logain, Canonical "It" Pronouns, Fantasy Slurs, and whether upping the stakes is effective anymore.

He's also been Taken (TM) by Graendal, so that's bad, but it's nice to know he's hot. Also in this episode: Girl Don't Touch Your Face, Siuan Is Retiring Tomorrow, Uno the Chaperone, X-Men Talents, and Pevara's Stanley Cup.  

We're taking a break from the Last Battle to look back — and forward — using your fine, prime vintage questions in this extra-special, extra-long episode. Also, we decide who we'd f***, marry, and kill between Ishamael, Moghedien, and Asmodean (answers may surprise you).

We start this episode with a long talk about swinging and end with llama-based horror. The first section of ch. 37 includes Freak TikTok, Classic Man Behaviors, Anxiety Telepathy, and a Boring Hell Dimension.

We're so close to the Last Battle proper! For ch. 35–36, we discuss Quadrutiary Characters, the Stupidest Faile Decision of All Time, the Second Yeeting of the Horn of Valere, the Last Map, and Unspeakable Broth Facts.

It's ch. 33–34, and at this point we are begging for Slayer to have an anime makeover and become a compelling villain. We talk about Bullying/Objectifying Men, Ocean's FedEx, the Third Gavroche Episode in a Row, and Double Lobotomies.  

Is this book romantasy all of a sudden? Ch. 31–32 have that Old Man Love Story, Trebuchet v. Trebuchet, Traveling Zoom Calls, Beefing It at the Finish Line, Bryne's Cry for Help, and Galgan's Lingerie.

Ch. 28–30 are frustrating and repetitive. We talk about Lan's Lobotomy, Edgelord Moridin, Cringe Gateways, Logain's Dramatic Entrances, Mr. Gavroche, and how the Impotence Metaphor Has Gone Too Far.

Ch. 26–27 have us thinking that maybe some wives would be better off fridged. We also talk about Gawyn's Thousand Typewriters, Egwene with a Steel Chair, Boob Honks, Letting Evil Bashere Cook, and Deus Ex Fallen Raken.

It's both Lanfear-appearance and Lanfear-interference (same thing). For ch. 24–25, we talk about the Rod Holder, Theoden King Wannabes, the Power of God and Anime, the Moridin Pieta, and we ask: Where's the Jingle-Jangle of It All?

Ch. 22–23 may make real Wheel of Time scholars out of us. We talk about the Shemandreds, a "Phantom Menace" Version of Demandred, how Lanfear's Job Here Is Done, the Failed Evil Plans Badge, and Moiraine's AK-47.

He's just a little guy! Anyway, for ch. 20–21, we're Going Off the Map (in a bad way). Also, Demandred Is a Dumpling, Egg's Got That Dog in Her, It's Lobotomy Tent: Part Two, and Androl Fails to Ocean's Eleven Us. 

Okay, his name's Baldhere, but Bald Hair is funnier. For ch. 18–19, we talk about how Everybody Hates Jonny Fairplay, the Definition of Tragedy, Rand's Identity Theft, Agelmar Almost Using the Pope Slur, Gawyn's Incest Panic, and Mat's Princess Diaries Moment.

For ch. 16–17, we go through some of Wheel of Time's Worst Hits: Grass and Manslaughter (It's Ecofascism!), He's Got That Horse In Him, Dark One Gunk, Min's Two Tasks, and Rand's Orpheus Swag. It's a cringe compilation, y'all.

Those disability politics just can't be consistent, huh? For ch. 14–15, we talk about Sidekick Gaul, Getting ROOTED, Willpower Saving the Day, A Bit of Actual Romance, and Don't It Always Seem to Go?

For ch. 11–13, we talk about Mmsexy Tingling, Retconning Mat's Time in Ebou Dar, Mazrim Taim's Supervillain Resume (he got the job!), Lanfear Closure, Padan Fain Un-Closure, the Trolloc Meat Grinder, and the Hater Zone.

Who's Bulen? Who cares? For ch. 9–10, we talk about Helvetica Lord of the Rings, the Epic Highs and Lows of Warfare, Citing Scripture ("Artemis Fowl"), Captain Planet Narishma, Lan's End, Basement Time with Androl, and French Mime War Profiteering.

Ch. 7–8 take us into the next stage of this book: prolonged warfare. We talk about Rebel With Claws, UN Meeting Bouncer, a Damocles' Sword but Positive, the Bond of Brotherhood, the Horn of Valere Heist, and our Upcoming Bones Podcast. 

Ch. 5–6 take us to the fantasy U.N. summit, and it could only be more Jordan-ish if there were nude women for no reason. We talk about Official Court Spankings, the Aiel as Cops, Rand's Unrealistic Goals, Egg Throwing Shoes, and the Literal Four Horsemen.

Chapters 3–4 are here! We talk about Sports Polyamory (the ideal polyamory), "Frankenskank," Characters' Wild Priorities, Rand and Moridin Touching "Balefire," Checking Off Romance Boxes, and Women's Piss Mazes. 

We're off to a pretty slow start with ch. 1–2. We get more of Rand's Weird Era, not to mention his Deadbeat Dad Era (the cat's in the cradle ...), plus the Arousal/Anger Constant, Black Tower Propaganda, Androl Is Bella Swan, and a whole lot of Genre Confusion.

We read the prologue (yes, the entire prologue) of AMoL and talk about pacing and heroism, plus Sally's Psychic Powers, Rand's Tibetan Sky Burial, New Sword Move: Piss Your Pants, the Sequel to "The Village," and the Myrddraal Breakroom.

We finish up ToM with celebrations of Gawyn's Puka Shell Necklace, Pevara's Hut, the Tower of Ghenjei Locksmith, Graendal's Turbo Hell, and Olver's Mail Fraud, while condemning how ultimately pointless Moiraine's "death" was.

Welcome to the Tower of Ghenjei! Is that David Bowie? For ch. 53–55, we talk about the Need to Be Told "No," Gay Old Dens, Helm's Deep Recruitment, the Finn Serving You-Know-What, Dune Box Mist, and Melodramatic Screaming. 

For ch. 50–52, we talk about Elayne's Bobby Fischer Political Move, her Pet Frenchmen, Libel/Slander Against Lews Therin, the Little Sun Tzu in Emily's Brain, Uber Driver Perrin, and B. Sanderson's Inversion of Terry Pratchett's "Boots Theory."  

You know, like balefire, from their eyeballs? Like laser vision? Anyway. For ch. 48–49 we discuss how Everything is the Aiel's Fault, Rand's Mega Sperm, Asmodean Moiraine, and the Cowboy Lightbringers.

Ch. 45–47 are great for representation: representation of insufferable politicians (Elayne), men who wear unnecessary disguises (Galad), "cool" nerds (Androl), men who hate the club (Perrin), and people who should just be murdered (Mazrim Taim, Tuon).

Who wants to bet on whether this title ends up censored? For ch. 42–44, we talk about Feelings Impermanence, Marriage Bumpers, Prince Loser, the New Kardashians, and Failed Nostalgia.

Despite the title, ch. 39–41 are action-packed (though sadly there is no battlefield kissing). Discussion includes: We Need More Explosions, Getting Right with God, IKEA Pack-It-Up Forges, Galad's Deprogramming, and Who Is Nakomi Plaza?

RIP to a (arguably the only) real one. For ch. 36–38, we talk about how Perrin Is a Mary Sue; we accompany Egg to a Work Meeting; someone floats on the ceiling Mary Winchester-Style; and we discuss the fantasy Ethics of Killing.  

This isn't the trial of the century, the year, or even the minute, but it's a trial. For ch. 34–35, we talk about Dannil the Danimal, Mr. Integrity, "Bad Apple" Byar, the False Good/Evil Dichotomy, and ask: Where Are the Lawyers?

Discussion topics for ch. 31–33 include: Chekhov's Abyss, Final Girl Ituralde, Respawning Trollocs, the Dragon Reborn's Walk with Christ, Our Favorite Monarch, and Gawyn and Elayne's Folgers Commercial (you know the one). 

Welcome to 2024! For ch. 28–30, we're talking about Big Boy Vitamins, how Telepathy Is the Obvious Answer, Rhyming Perrin, Letting Galad Be a Side Character, and the Most Bizarre Scene of All Time. Also, are Grady and Neald, like, SO hot now?

Ch. 25–27 are disappointing to say the least. First, Rand faces no consequences for his crimes, but don't worry; according to Min, he's done nothing wrong. Then Perrin has the same epiphany for the 98th time. Berelain's boobs corrupt Galad. And the Hall of the Tower, as usual, is swooning.

You want to know about ch. 22–24, you say? Well, they're all about Sally's Exploding Bones, Good Old Chub, Chance Boy Himself, Weird Uncle Mat, and Hysteria in Tel'aran'rhiod. Also: What About the Sheep?

There's a lot to discuss in ch. 20–21, including Vagina Mirrors, Ethics Boards, the Slippery Slope of Magic Nukes, how Single Women Are an Invasive Species, and, hey, Whoa, Balwer Isn't Just a Secretary?

"Some of you may die, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make." Ch. 17–19 get us talking about Code Brando, Berelain Said Boobily, Something That Is Nothing, OUR Amyrlin Seat, and Brandon Sanderson's straight guy heroism.

For ch. 14–16, we talk about Three Girlbosses and their Psychological Warfare, Flat Characters, Black Tower Volleyball, the Horror Story that is Rand's Brain, Forsaken Trading Cards, and Anything for Hubby.

Ch. 11–13 are short, but we find a way to work in all the following discussion topics: Magicians, how Elayne's Pregnancy Was Written by Men, Rand's Jesus Robe, Appropriate Public vs. Private Behavior, Darkfriend Vision, and Min's Birdbrain.

For ch. 7–10, we talk about Lan's Minion, Buford; Neald's Queer-Coded Joie de Vivre; and Grady's Denied Time Off Request; and we bid farewell to a real one, Lopin. Also, welcome to Sedona, Arizona.

For ch. 4–6, we have problems with fictional men, including Gawyn's Incel Behavior and reboot of CSI: Tar Valon; Galad's KKK Era; and Perrin's Leadership Hypocrisy. We also have problems with the real men doing construction outside our house: apologies for the noise!

In ch. 1–3, Rand enters his Wellness Influencer era. We also talk about getting Bubbled of Eviled, Perrin's Pointless Crossroads (a recurring theme), Torture Junior's Throuple, and Double Shielding.