Podcast appearances and mentions of daniel burgess

Relationships: Communication, Conflict, and ConnectionDaniel is welcomed back to Unashamed Unafraid for a deep dive with Steve and Chris into something every relationship can improve on, communication.  Many of us have never had great examples of what healthy communication within relationships looks like. In this episode, therapist Daniel Burgess shares his four do's and don'ts for healthy communication in our relationships.Daniel gained his unique perspective while working with contentious relationships in divorce court and developed the process he shares, which includes:1. Start by assuming the best from your partner.2. Incorporate the four Do's and Don'ts Don't - Prove, defend, convince, or retaliate Do Be: Clear, concise, confident, and caring 3. Avoid the divorce equation, for example “if you loved me…”Daniel shares his personal experience of applying these tools in his own life and explains how they worked for him.  He discusses his perspective about the importance of having difficult conversations in front of our kids so they can see how it is possible to navigate through the messy.  He suggests that difficult conversations should be scheduled for a specific time, and duration.  And also stresses that these tools shouldn't be used as an excuse for bad behavior nor to be used against the other person. Learning how to communicate is a process over time and involves perspective.  We are all craving empathetic connection.  This episode will help you in your relationships to better know your limits and learn to communicate difficult things in a loving way. You can find Daniel through his website at www.danielaburgess.com or by listening to his podcast ”Improving Intimacy.”If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

In our world today there is a lot of violence: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You see it almost everywhere. Too often our first reaction to harm or hurt is to put our dukes up and punch back or go running the other direction, fight or flight. Although both are generally good options for survival they aren't always the best for recovery. One thing that many of us struggle with in recovery is being accountable and making repair. Saying a sincere “I'm sorry” is an important step. Beyond that is repair. This is where I make right the wrong, also known as step 9 if you're working the 12 Steps.Turns out, I am still actively working recovery and still struggle with many of the things we talk about here at Unashamed Unafraid. This episode is about repair that I needed to make with my now friend, Daniel Burgess. I made assumptions about Daniel and chose to take his episode down. His first response in an e-mail to me, not great. So Dukes up? Or should I ignore him and write him off as crazy or a jerk? Instead something amazing happened, repair. We both got curious and opened our hearts and here is what happened. I hope this episode inspires you to get curious where you may have been judgmental and make repair where needed because it was a beautiful experience for me and my new friend Daniel.SteveRapper Host

A common question we get at Get Your Marriage On! is what is okay to do in the bedroom. When faith, values, and personal desires collide it can be confusing or even discouraging. People often seek a checklist of do's and do not's. In this podcast, Dan interviewed clinical Psychologist Daniel Burgess who specializes in Marriage and Family Therapy and has a passion for helping couples navigate sexual intimacy. Dr. Burgess challenges us to grow and become curious about our physical intimacy as he explains why understanding our values and relationship with God is important when it comes to what goes on in the bedroom.

Full Transcript: 0:00:00.0 Narrator: Welcome to Improving Intimacy, a podcast to help single and married, Latter-Day Saints strengthen their family connections and marriages. Daniel A. Burgess is the host of Improving Intimacy, Daniel is a Marriage and Family Therapist, father, husband, and author. Here's Daniel on this episode of Improving Intimacy. [music] 0:00:26.3 Mike Frasier: Alright men, welcome to today's episode. I've got a special guest for us today. This is Daniel Burgess. So he is a family therapist that runs a family therapy, and helps couples and individuals with their marriages, and I met him in his Facebook group, Improving Intimacy, and used to be called Mormon marriages. Now it's called In Latter Day Saint marriages. 0:00:52.7 MF: I complied. [laughter] 0:00:55.3 MF: So yeah, anything else you want the audience know about you Daniel? 0:01:00.0 DB: That's great, I love that. Yeah, come check it out. 0:01:03.2 MF: Yeah, yeah he does great work. And I've really enjoyed his... 0:01:07.6 DB: Thank you. 0:01:08.6 MF: Yeah, his group and the stuff he's doing. So yeah, so today we're talking about a more sensitive topic, at least in the LDS Community, which is masturbation, and Daniel has done a lot of study about this, a lot of work on it, it was coming into our group, actually, Daniel, that kinda got me thinking about it in a different way. And was really a good journey for me. 0:01:35.9 DB: Wonderful. 0:01:36.8 MF: Actually, so I appreciate your work on that, so I guess what I wanted to start with, and I think this is really the big question on most LDS people's minds, is whether masturbation is actually a sin or not, and when I asked that question, I wanted to look up what sin actually was. And so I think this is a good definition an immoral act that's considered to be a transgression against divine law, meaning there's a law that says, no masturbation. And then when you break that, you are breaking that law. So, yeah. Thoughts on that. 0:02:14.0 DB: That's a great question. It's one that I get quite frequently and to kinda set up the answer here, I just did an interview for my podcast Improving Intimacy for Latter-Day Saint relationships with Kari Ferguson, who wrote the book, The OCD Mormon. And the reason why I bring that up is a big part of our discussion is something that I've seen, definitely in clients who tend to ask this question is rigidity in their thinking around spirituality and sin, and how that negatively affects ironically, maybe even paradoxically, our spirituality, a fabulous book a wonderful person, and we explore those thoughts in deep and I'll reference you to that for further discussion. But in short, I love that definition that I learned at least on my mission was, Anything acting against the will of God is sin, and sin is essentially a guide for us to draw closer to Him, not to sin, to draw closer to Him, but to avoid sin or things that separate us from God, and when we can think about in that context, we can now see self-mastery in a different view. We even talked about transgression, Joseph Fielding Smith says there's a big difference between transgression and sin, transgression is one of the things that we as humans learn to be better at that heavenly Father expects us to make mistakes, that's why the atone is there. 0:03:42.4 DB: Now, to answer that question, is masturbation a sin? I don't wanna sound avoidant of the answer, but it really depends. It really depends on the person. Is this drawing you closer to God? Is this helping you understand your body, is this creating better self-awareness, self-mastery, is it creating peace in your life? If it isn't, then that needs to be explored and understood better, that's the whole purpose of this life is to master our minds and our bodies, and what does that look like? Especially when we're dealing with different biology, and sometimes people say you should never masturbate. Well, that may be true for that person, that may not be a biological need, or when I use the word need here, I'm talking about experiences that provide enjoyment and pleasure, of course, we could go a whole lifetime without masturbating and not die. And I've heard people use that argument, you won't die, so you don't need it. Well, then we could go to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. We won't die without people loving us in our life, but our life will be pretty miserable, right? [laughter] 0:04:50.2 DB: There are cases actually that children have died out of neglect, of love, and that's true, but I think the point is, there is... I think when we look at this in a very rigid way, is sin black and white, we kinda cross in this line of obsessive compulsive thought process of or scrupulosity, and focus more on the growth in our relationship with ourself and the Lord. 0:05:16.9 MF: Yeah, I love that. I love that idea of those questions that you posed, of... Instead of, Is this sin? Which like you said, is about, oh right wrong did I follow the rule right or did I not follow the rule right. It's like, No. Is this bringing me closer to God, is this helping me enjoy my life more? I think once you're married, an important question with however you're using your sexuality is, is this bringing me closer to my spouse or not? And I think with that too, you mentioned, I think for women, this happens maybe sometimes more than guys where that exploration process, maybe it hasn't happened as much as it has maybe with some guys before marriage, and actually exploring that and figuring out what works for you can be a gift to yourself and to your marriage. Thoughts on that. 0:06:22.6 DB: Yeah, absolutely, and I think that's the main goal, and that's why I set up my group in proving intimacy in Latter-day Saint relationships is for us, what are we doing in our relationships, our intimate relationships that we can improve on to draw us closer to God that is the underlining and the core focus here, how can we understand and learn God and draw closer to Him and in our relationships? And so that could involve... Often we sacrifice or we ignore, or we neglect our sexual self and don't really explore and understand that, like we do the other aspects of our spiritual life to draw closer to God, and so this is very much a negotiation a discussion with our partner and with the Lord, and as long as it's in that confined, I believe it's healthy, whatever that decision is, I have seen masturbation benefit and reward relationships like no other thing has in their life. It provides options. It provides a discussion, and I think as long as you're taking it to the Lord, and you address it with your spouse and you come up with what works for you, then you're doing what the Lord wants you to do, drawing closer to Him and your spouse. 0:07:37.2 MF: Yeah. Awesome, so with that, to look at the other side of this, because I think some people hearing that, they're gonna think, Oh well then you know that I can do whatever I want, like if I wanna go have sex with a bunch of other people and we're both okay with that, then that should be fine. Right. So what would you say to that thought? Well, you know, I prayed about it. And that was my answer. It's fine to go do that. 0:08:15.6 DB: Yeah, well, it's interesting 'cause I heard kind of two different comments there's one, kind of this non-monogamous exploration, as long as you agree with it, it's fine, and the other one is anything... Well, I guess they're kinda the same thing. Anything goes now, and the first thought I would have or question is, This seems to fall under this black and white thinking is either it's absolutely right or it's absolutely wrong, and I think the Lord is definitely, at least in our day, made some clear guidelines in the temple, we specifically commit to each other and in this relationship, and now does that mean anything goes or not? I think there's definitely a constraint there, we've committed very specifically to each other, that we will figure this out between each other and the Lord, I don't think there's a cart blanche there that says, yeah, anything else on your relationship is okay, the purpose, like I was pointing out is, is it drawing you closer to your spouse and to the Lord, do you feel like you're honoring your temple covenants that you specifically made? Now, when we talk about masturbation and things that help improve desire towards each other. I think those things are open for discussion and prayer with Heavenly Father. 0:09:43.5 DB: Now, going back to your question, some can argue, Well, we've both decided we feel closer to each other when we could explore outside of the relationship, and I'll be frank, if that's what you have decided, I personally don't think that's what the Lord has said, and I don't see any justification for that. And so I'm not gonna tell somebody that they got false revelation, that's not my job as a therapist, my job is to help them understand how to live a healthier life, and so there's an argument for everything, and I could totally see where people can... And I've seen it, well, I'm gonna go and do whatever. And when I hear that phrase though, that triggers this kind of black and white thinking, going from one extreme of rigidity to another, and I would push on that, I would really explore that, is that really what you're doing? Are you going from a... I'm gonna just say kind of like a repressed or rigid thinking to, wow, the doors just blow open, I'm gonna do whatever I want. That would be a concern to me, and I would explore that first. That's a concern to me. 0:10:52.9 MF: Yeah, I think that you brought up something super important, I think they're both basically immature reactions. 0:11:00.3 DB: Excellent, Yeah. 0:11:00.8 MF: Yeah, it's like, Oh, either somebody has to tell me everything I have to do, or nobody can tell me anything that I have to do, like they're both pretty immature versus saying Like look, Okay, here's my read of the scriptures, or if that's what I believe we're kind of assuming someone's active LDS or Christian, like trying to do what God wants them to do. 0:11:27.3 MF: And if you come into it with that in mind and you're like, Hey, I read the scripture, I did... If you went to the temple, I made these promises. I'm gonna be just faithful to my wife, so I wanna keep it within that, but then within that, like you said, growing, developing that maturity to say, "Yeah, this does help. And this does not help." One of the things I like is," by their fruits, you shall know them", and I think that so applies here, if you try it and the fruit is good, good. If you try it and the fruit is not good, you say, Okay, that was an experiment, wasn't good, we're gonna cut that one off so, yeah. 0:12:14.1 DB: Yeah. Fair points. 0:12:16.5 MF: Yeah, so for those [laughter].. Maybe the satisfies of the more OCD Mormon folks out there. I know you've done quite a bit of research on How it sort of the... The church has looked at masturbation over time? And kind of how that has shifted, sort of back and forth, maybe you could just give us certainly a brief kind of summary of how that's gone. 0:12:43.0 DB: Yeah, really, really quick summary here. There's very little documentation from the restoration from 1830 to about 1890, we're getting more and more, as the Joseph Smith papers are in development and it's exciting. Public access, a lot of people go to it. When I was researching it, I had to spend hours and hours and in archives and trying to find these documentation. There really isn't much. In fact, we had a very... If I could use the word progressive view of intimacy. We were a very different church. We viewed sexual relationships as beautiful. And in a time that orgasms were viewed as dangerous and lethal. They literally believed that, "Each time you had an orgasm, you took years off your life." This was that idea back then, that really didn't end until about 1920s, maybe a little earlier from that. And we had a very opposing view to that, not... In a very positive way. And we only start to see... Even if I could say it's negative comments about masturbation, only in the context of serious transgressions where people are having... I wanna be appropriate for the show. Let's just say sexual abuse issues. Let's just keep it in those terms. And there's ideas that were prominent at that time, not just in the church, but because we're a melting pot of religions at the restoration. 0:14:22.8 DB: We have a lot of traditional cultural ideas being brought in thinking that masturbation led to certain behaviors including homosexuality and to other sexual transgressions. And so the only things you can really find that I'm aware of now and I've researched as extensively as you mentioned, is in meeting notes where some brethren will say it's because they did this and they would reference masturbation, and this is where it would lead. There was never any official stance against masturbation. In fact, it was about 1920 that there was a conference address of some guest who says, "We approach sexuality", and I can provide these links in references to you offline and you could include. 0:15:06.2 MF: Yeah. 0:15:06.6 DB: But, saying," I'm impressed that you Latter day Saints can talk about sexuality, including masturbation so openly", which blew my mind. I was like, really? They... I mean not only to recognize that, but to even make it part of a public address. And then in 1930, the Relief Society president at the time was called to provide mental health guidance to the church. And she provided, Amy Lyman Brown, it provided these lessons, and one of those lessons was "Parents, don't over-react to your children masturbating. You'll cause depression, anxiety, even suicidal thoughts." very fascinating. It wasn't until about the '40s that President Clark started to interject other ideas. And long story short, my interpretation of that was because of the Kinsey books came out on human sexuality and the father of the sexual revolution. And I think the church was trying to do something to differentiate ourselves from that movement. Which I both understand, but also see kind of a shift in the opposite direction. 0:16:11.8 DB: And it's only at that time that we see really negative comments and emphasis on the dangers of masturbation and emphasizing it's a sin. And then we see this changing in the mid-80s, due to seeing, Amy Lyman Brown was right. We're seeing an increase of depression, suicidal thoughts, and negative behavior and unhealthy behavior. And so since the 80s, we've been seeing a more healthy shift towards... Look it... This doesn't cause homosexuality, it doesn't cause all these things that we believe they did. And it is part of a healthy development. And so they haven't specifically come out and reversed some of those comments for strength of youth manuals and whatnot. But we definitely see a shift of them eliminating those phrases and terminologies out of the manuals and handbooks and seeing a more positive shift towards... Look, figure this out between You and the Lord, especially in marriage. So that's a really, really horrible summary, but... [overlapping conversation] 0:17:15.7 MF: I thought it was great. [laughter] 0:17:16.4 DB: Okay, good, good. 0:17:17.6 MF: I don't know, it's great. 0:17:19.3 DB: Very short and precise. 0:17:19.8 MF: Well, yeah, I think the way that... After I read through your materials, when I looked at it, it was like... It's okay. Or it's even part of normal development. 0:17:30.2 DB: Was being addressed. Yeah. 0:17:30.8 MF: Yeah, to bad bad bad, and now we're kind of coming back up to... I think, like you said, President Nelson's really focusing on personal revelation and using this... This can be a place where you really can use personal revelation and you really can look at What are the fruits of exploring that, of looking at how sexuality is part of who you are. 0:18:03.4 DB: Yeah. And let me add real quick. One thing when we analyze developments in the church, whether doctrinal, History or whatever. We make a mistake of seeing things in isolation and we gotta realize there was a lot going on during that period of '40s. We had one of the fastest booming growth of the church, to this date from the '40s to the '70s. And so the brethren were also trying to address How do we address a growing church? They created the department of correlation and everything else, and so they tried to standardize teachings across an entire world of membership. And so there's bound to be learning, lessons learned and things not perfectly instituted. And so I think it's important for us to take ourselves out of the vacuum and realize thousands of variables are involved here. It's not just is something... We go back to that rigidity, is something right or wrong? And I think what we're doing is now we're learning, How do we teach a worldwide right church? Not just the Salt Lake Church anymore. 0:19:07.3 MF: Yeah, awesome, and super helpful. I think, like you mentioned, it's not so much, but we're trying to grow out of the even home teaching like, Oh, once a month, go, go, go, and that's like Minister, meaning, take care of these people and use your judgment and your... Like what these texts mean... 0:19:32.8 DB: Excellent example. 0:19:33.8 MF: In addressing that but I think with sexuality, we're starting to see some of that as well, there are structures, there are lines, I think being sexually faithful to your wife is a pretty clear line or husband, right, as far as an actual commitment or an actual law that God's given us, but then outside of that saying, Okay, how do I... Like, sexual is part of who I am. It's weird, but Jennifer Finlayson-fife talks about this, how God is a sexual being and heavenly mother's a sexual being, it's weird for us to think about, but we're created in their image, they have that too. And how do they use that... One of the things that you work with people who struggle with, pornography too and want to use less or whatever, and one of the things that I have encouraged people to ask themselves, it's like, Okay, I have my sexuality, like How do I want to use that in the world? 0:20:44.1 DB: Yes. 0:20:45.6 MF: And then that becomes the standard instead of, Oh, can I do this or can I do that? It's like, No. So for me, my own statement is I want to use my sexuality to connect deeply with and have fun with my wife, and so now I look and say, Okay, is this helping me get there or is it detracting from that and that's been much more useful than going down this OCD. 0:21:10.2 DB: Yes. 0:21:10.6 MF: OCD track. 0:21:12.7 DB: Especially for the men. I wanna emphasize this for us men, one of the negative consequences of how we've treated sexuality over the years, and I'm not just speaking church culture, but it definitely was reinforced by church culture, is men talking about sexuality is synonymous with creepiness and weird and dangerous, and we've unfortunately associated words like lust as a negative thing, and I realize like Matthew 5-27 uses the word lust, and this is a perfect example of how we've had a false narrative created for us and this is what I mean, Matthew 5-27 is actually misinterpretation. The word actually should be covet, not lust lust is actually that specific word translated correctly is used as a positive throughout scripture, in Luke 2:22-15, Matthew 13-17, Luke 15-16 and Luke 16-21, all describe Christ Himself lusting after something, whether it's the Passover or righteousness, or whatever. And I realize it's a little nuance, but I think it's an important nuance because I often hear, I've got to avoid lust. 0:22:32.0 DB: And why is this important? Because he emphasizes it's scripturally based, lust means to desire beauty, to desire something good, God like covet is negative, it's not Christ-focused, it's not, God focused, which has resulted us men specifically. Let me emphasize why I'm bringing this up too 'cause it's a conversation I frequently have with colleagues and clients is, you may be wondering, and I realize I'm blending a little bit of topics here, but bear with me, is you may be wondering, Well, am I rigid in my thinking No, I just wanna be perfect. Well, that's one indicator that you might actually have rigid scrupulosity thinking, and the other is that my mind just went blank sorry. That you can't... Oh, that's what it was. You can't pray to God about your desires. And I see this more with men than with women, and this is a constant paradox, it's like women who speak up about sexuality are praised for their courageousness. Men who talk up about their sexuality, or I pray to God about this will be perceived as creepy or weird, or we may feel creepy or weird, I can't talk to God about my sexuality. That may be an indicator that you have rigid thinking around this, if our heavenly parents desire us to have sexual feelings and desires, we should be able to freely talk to them about it, and if we can't... 0:24:03.0 DB: That's the negative narrative, I believe that we've been taught as men, and if we want sexual relationships, we're looked at as pawning or begging or sex focus or lusting after, no, it's beautiful, we desire to have sexual relations with our spouse, and we need to speak up and break that narrative and rewrite how we talk about that and how that talk is being perceived, I think that's why a lot of men default to the joking or the silliness or whatever, because that's what they've been told to do and who they are, and we need to take back that narrative and like the women can, I wanna talk about sexuality and be praised for it, it's a beautiful, healthy thing, I desire to be a sexual being, and that's not weird. And I think that's something we men should remember. 0:25:00.3 MF: No, a great point, great point. Yeah, I think when we look at owning that and directing that, it's a powerful force, powerful energy, and deciding how you wanna direct... I love what you said about taking it to God saying, Look, I have these desires, like what's the way to direct them, like and Alma talks about bridling our passions, it doesn't mean that you stop your passions or kill your passions, it's... No, you bridle... Let me direct them to where you want to go. 0:25:38.4 DB: And one last thought on this whole idea of what it looks like to desire. One of the things that I find is beautiful in my relationship with my wife, and I think is appropriate, is we are able to say "That person looks beautiful", male or female. She's attractive. He's attractive. And our relationship is not threatened. Our trust in our relationship is solid. It isn't dependent on whether or not we speak up our desires or not. And that's a false narrative, that's another false narrative is, now in context, right, if, for example, trauma history, we've gotta respect and understand that context. We can't just say, "Tough, I don't care about your trauma, or I don't care about your insecurities." I have worked with a client in the past where the wife acknowledged she has huge amounts of insecurities, and because her husband... Her husband was looking at an Instagram model, not even pornography in its truest sense, and he acknowledged it, he's never had a history of anything. She's required him to purge himself of any of that desire versus her looking at her self and building on her issues around insecurity. It's a team effort. You both need a partner in this experience, as I think you know and understand, but when it becomes a one-sided thing, blaming a partner, and there's clearly breaking the line, right? 0:27:08.1 DB: It's interesting though, when a woman says they desire or they think something that's beautiful, it could be totally fine and not a threat to your relationship. But if a man says that, this is that false narrative, it's impossible for a man to see something that's beautiful, acknowledge it, and still have a fully committed cleaving unto their partner relationship. And we're told often that that's not possible. We're not as simple creatures on and off switches as I think we've been taught. We also desire connection and monogamy. We just also are trying to understand how to express and experience desire. 0:27:52.8 MF: Yeah. No, I like that idea a lot. And I think there's... When you do get to a level of sexual intimacy that is really connected, where you are sharing who you are at a deep level with this person, and they're sharing with you. And that's just something that... When we talk about save yourself for marriage, we teach our kids hey it's like save yourself for marriage. Why do you do that? Because ideally, when you have sex with your wife, you are sharing your whole soul with that person. This is who you want to be with. This is who you want to raise a family with. This is who you want to spend your life with. And that all comes through, through this physical act. And that's why you say that. It's not 'cause it's like wrong, and then all of a sudden it's right. It's like, no, this is something so powerful, and good, and connecting that you wanna choose someone really special to do that with. So, then to put that in context, so you say, "Oh yeah, that girl is hot or whatever," doesn't mean I want to connect with this person physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and spend my life with them like... 0:29:11.7 DB: No. 0:29:12.3 MF: When you have sex them... 0:29:13.3 DB: That's that black-and-white thinking. 0:29:15.4 MF: Right. Right. Yeah. So yeah. I think when you do experience that connection, it's just so rich and powerful that it's something that you want to, yeah, enjoy. 0:29:29.6 DB: I was just telling my wife this morning, I actually thanked her. I says, "I'm so thankful." And this is sparking from a thread that I was following and how people were arguing that they can't even look. They can't have any other desires except for unto their wife. And well, at its core, I believe that. The only desire I have is for my wife. I also... I turn to her as I was waking up and says, "I'm really thankful that you can tell me you find certain things attractive. That's beautiful to me. That tells me that you have desire, that you have an appreciation for these things, and in no way do I ever feel threatened." It's never a feeling of like, "Oh, you want me to look like that." That's my insecurity if I ever feel that way. 0:30:15.3 MF: Sure. 0:30:16.8 DB: And I would actually be concerned if she never said that. If she never pointed out, "Wow, she has a good butt. Oh, he has good abs." I would wonder... Is your blood cold? Do you not see these things? Do you not appreciate it? It's like looking at art, can't we look at other things, art or things that are beautiful, and are we afraid that our partner is gonna become more attracted to that thing? I'm not trying to be silly, but in all seriousness, we should have interests and desires. That doesn't mean we're gonna make a commitment or break a relationship because of it. I think it's very objectifying. I think it's ironically objectifying to say that men can't have more complex experiences and a commitment solely to their partner while also appreciating something that looks beautiful. 0:31:10.8 MF: Yeah, one thing that I have noticed myself doing too, is if I find my thoughts... So yeah. You can appreciate. Oh yeah, that's a good looking girl. She's pretty, but if I noticed I'm starting to run down that track of attraction or wanting to have sex with this person, like what I found more use for myself instead of trying to just shut that all down to like, "No, no, no, no, don't think that." I actually go the other way. I'm like, "Okay. Let's say that it goes that way. Is that really what I want? Do I want to destroy my family? 0:31:47.1 DB: Excellent. 0:31:47.7 MF: Do I want to be that example to my kids? Do I want to do all that?" And all of a sudden, it's like, "No, is that worth a few seconds of pleasure or... " 0:32:00.1 DB: Yeah. 0:32:01.4 MF: Definitely not. And that for me, that's been a lot more helpful than trying to be like, "Oh, this is bad. Don't think that way." 0:32:07.3 DB: Yeah, that's what we call acceptance commitment therapy. Good for you. And I think you hit it on the head right there is if you start to think you want to have sex with this thing or this person you think is beautiful, address that thought. [laughter] 0:32:22.4 MF: Right. 0:32:24.0 DB: I think that's a narrative that we've been taught, that's as soon as we find a woman or a person attractive, we now sexually crave that person. We need to break that narrative. That doesn't have to be that triggering thought. And everybody's different, of course, but I think we've been trained to think that way. And I think by addressing that concerning behavior or that concerning thought, and addressing that or like you did, you experiencing it, you said, "Do you really wanna do that?" That's what's important. Not shutting down all desire. 0:32:55.7 MF: Yeah, yeah, very good. Awesome. Well, thank you so much Daniel. Let's do a quick... A quick summary here. So, we talked about the idea of is masturbation a sin or not. And I think you really put it... 0:33:08.7 DB: Take it to the lord. 0:33:09.9 MF: Yeah, I think you really put it well, which is that's actually the wrong question. The question is, is the way I'm using my sexuality, whether that includes masturbation or whatever, is that bringing me closer to God? Is it bringing me closer to my wife or not? Right? And then, you're asking yourself is it in line with what has clearly been revealed? If that's in integrity to you to be someone that's following basically what God says, he's been pretty clear as far as being monogamous once you're married, but outside of that, there's not like a cut and dry this is how sex is supposed to be in marriage. So from there, it's more about like you said is this driving me closer to God? Is this driving me closer to God? And then, yeah, I think that's basically the summary. [laughter] 0:34:00.9 DB: Excellent. No, I think it's a good summary. It's a pleasure as always Mike. 0:34:05.6 MF: Likewise. Yeah, very good. 0:34:07.7 DB: If anybody has that... I realized this pretty quick. If anybody has any questions or want clarification, I know we did a lot in a very short amount of time. My email is always open and my contact, you'll include that information and feel free to reach out. 0:34:21.6 MF: Yeah, great. Yeah, maybe if you just wanna call out one more time the easiest way to find you? 0:34:26.7 DB: You know what? Yeah, I run the Sutton Family Therapy, but the best way is to go to my personal website where I have this all specifically for Latter Day Saints is my name, my full name, danielaburgess.com. And you'll find everything with the improving intimacy there and all the articles that you referenced, and my blogs and my podcast there and my contact info. So danielaburgess@... Excuse me, danielaburgess.com. 0:34:55.2 MF: Perfect. Hey, thanks so much, Daniel, appreciate your time today. 0:34:55.8 DB: Yeah. 0:34:56.5 MF: And alright, stay strong man. We will see you next episode. 0:35:00.9 DB: Thank you. [music]

This is a big question for many members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.But, it's the wrong question.Today I'm joined by Daniel Burgess, DanielABurgess.com, a Marriage and Family Therapist and member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.We review some of the Church's teachings about sexuality and masturbation over time, which Daniel has studied extensively and reported about on his website.But, in our personal work and work with clients, we've discovered that the question "is masturbation a sin" leads you down the wrong path.Learn the better questions to ask in today's episode.Summary:-The question “is masturbation a sin” reflects rigid, black or white and somewhat immature thinking-The better questions to ask are “how do I want to use my sexuality?” and “is this thinking and behavior drawing me closer to God and my wife, or pulling me away?”-The law of chastity and scriptures do not specifically mention masturbation-Use personal revelation to see how masturbation fits (or doesn’t fit) into your life and marriageDr. MikeP.S. Watch for my new program, Essential Skills For A Happy Marriage, opening at the end of this month. Having a happy marriage isn’t a matter of chance, or even finding “the one.” It’s about learning to build trust, have fun, communicate clearly and enjoy great intimacy. And you’ll learn EXACTLY how to do that in this course. Watch for the course in 2 weeks. If you haven’t joined my email list yet, visit http://mikefraziermd.com to join so you can be notified when it opens.

Check Daniel's story. An amazing conversation about how to get back on track, start from zero and be able to grow a million-dollar business. How important is to follow your passion and invest in personal development and coaches. Daniel is an inspiration and a great leader. You can find Daniel on Facebook or here via his website https://www.thephoenixexperience.com.au/​ For more questions please email me at alex@thementoringeffect.com   Alex

Generation Skywalker introduce the first of their monthly Modern Roundtable shows - The Modern Way. Daniel Burgess joins Simon, Mark, Craig and Stuart to discuss a few topics that have been in discussion over the last few months.  They chat about the sad end to the 5 p.o.a. line, where is best to purchase modern items in the UK, delve into the 5" line before looking at a selection of Mandalorian items that have either been released or announced. Will Dan allow his child to open some modern figures?  Will Mark allow himself to like anything modern?  Will Stuart weaken and buy a Hot Toys?  Listen in as the team all deal with their own modern issues. Enjoy the show! We are Generation Skywalker!

Chris and James sit down and have a phone conversation with Daniel Burgess, a licensed marriage and family therapist. He focuses on sexual addiction and healthy sexuality in marriages. Daniel is a well-known therapist, blogger, and runs a Facebook group called, “Improving Intimacy in Latter-day Saint Relationships. Daniel also has a podcast called: “Improving Intimacy in Latter-day Saint Marriages.” 

Hey Friends! We are back this week to wrap things up with Daniel Burgess as he takes us through a more thoughtful and practical approach toward rekindling romance and taking the burden and duty out of sex

Cami sits down with Daniel again to discuss the intersection between faith and a sexual relationship with your partner. How do you keep things from wearing you down mentally? Listen to the experts!

Daniel Burgess sits down to collaborate with Cami on sexual desire issues as she continues the series on women's sexual health. The submission topic is fairly unique but has definite universal applications for couples. Grab a blanket and listen in!

Daniel A. Burgess, MA, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in sexuality and relationships. He has also worked as a consultant in Silicon Valley, as well as volunteered within the community in various roles.Daniel is a blogger, speaker, and author of “Reconciling our Divine Sexual Identity”, scheduled for release in early 2019. He also runs an engaging and informative Facebook group discussing marriage and sexuality in the faith, “Improving Intimacy in Mormon Marriages”. For additional resources or questions, connect with him at daniel.burgess@gmail.com. You can also schedule a video appointment with him here.

Daniel A. Burgess LMFT is in the hot seat in this episode as the author of Earthly Parents: And It Was Very Good: A Latter-day Saint’s Guide to Lovemaking (by the book!) asks the questions. Daniel shares his journey in reshaping sexual health within the LDS Community, and how faithful LDS can improve their sexual health and more effective strategies to eliminating undesired sexual behaviors, without shame or diminishing God's gift of sexual desire.Continue the improving intimacy discussion by joining the Improving Intimacy Facebook group. 

The 2019 Royal Society Summer Science exhibition in London is free to enter and continues until Sunday 7th July. BBC Inside Science this week comes from the Society’s HQ in central London. BepiColombo and the X-rays from Mercury Prof Emma Bunce, has been part of the team that last year launched an x-ray telescope on a space probe to Mercury. It will be a long journey, not arriving until 2025. As Emma describes, the MIXS instrument, designed and built in the UK, will analyze the x-rays emitted by the different chemicals on the planet’s surface, and so build a map of the abundancies of different atoms across the terrifyingly hostile world. This is only possible because of the strength of the x-rays coming from the sun that strike the atoms on the surface, eliciting a distinctive signature re-emitted back into space. Capuchin Monkeys and their Tools Tomos Proffitt and colleagues announced in a recent paper in the journal Nature Ecology and Evolution their study of archaeological evidence of Brazil’s capuchin monkeys using stones and anvils to smash cashew nuts for at least the last 3000 years. It is not the oldest evidence of non-human primate tool use but it is the oldest for monkeys, and suggests tantalisingly that tool use may have emerged in hominin species independently and on numerous occasions. Molecular Music Chemistry and music pupils at Ilkley Grammar School in the UK have been working together with The University of Bradford to create music specific to different molecules. As A-Level students Amelia Milner and Matthew Hodson describe to Adam, they took the distinctive frequencies of the bonds in certain molecules found in nature and transposed them onto the chromatic musical scale. Then the musicians composed pieces using only that set of notes that evoked some of the properties of the molecules. AI Drivers and Machine Learning Genovefa Kefalidou shows Adam a self-driving car circling a track at the exhibition. The technology to identify and track different objects is getting better, and machine learning algorithms can map human actions onto different scenarios to find appropriate responses, but is society ready to trust and accept the benefits they might bring? Presenter: Adam Rutherford Composers: Amelia Milner, Matthew Hodson (water, aspirin) and Daniel Burgess (cinnamic acid) Producer: Alex Mansfield

Episode 59 drops but we have to be clear with all our listeners from the outset, this is not a usual format show, this is 100% a revisit to Celebration in Chicago from the start of April, if you have no interest in this topic then miss this one out, we will be back earlier in May with the usual format show. A shorter show where the boys sit around and discuss Celebration 2019, from Room Sales and the Show Floor to Chicago and our Acquisitions and everything in between.  We hear from Shawn Moynihan, Daniel Burgess, Dallas Ewen, Jeff Kahan, Jason Smith, Josh Arber and Dario John Balsamo with their experiences of the show too. There is the usual quiz, but we have placed it in the outro so listen on at the end for half hour of needless shenanigans. Enjoy the Show!!!

The News Media creates, exaggerates and enflames mistrust between minority communities and Law Enforcement. Daniel Burgess of the Mark Pappas Foundation explains how they are bridging the gap between Law Enforcement and the youth of today. Their unique combination of technology and mentoring helps to counter the negative image of Police that is spread by the news media. Theme song Hurricane is used with permission from the band Dark Horse Flyer.

Daniel Burgess | Coach, Facilitator & Motivational SpeakerDaniel is the owner of The Phoenix Experience is a Qualified Coach, Facilitator and Motivational Speaker.He survived a car accident at age 20, which left him with a shattered spine and paralyzed. He was told he might never walk again.

At the age of 20 years old, Daniel survived a car accident which would change him forever.  It left him with a shattered spine, broken bones and paralysis from his chest down. He was told he might never walk again, but proved medical staff wrong by walking out of hospital just 6 weeks later, although weak and brittle. This shake-up led him to leave his career, partner, apartment: his entire life behind him. After being homeless and unemployed for 6 months he rebuilt his life into something beyond inspirational.  Today, Daniel heads up The Phoenix Experience - the chance to press pause on your everyday routine.  To leave your phone at home and focus on the one person that matters: you. To take the time to remember what’s truly important to you. When you give back to yourself those around you will benefit. You become a better partner, parent, leader, team-member. A better you.   Some key quotes from our conversation include: I felt like I was headed for a train wreck.  I was overweight, I was out of balance, I was disconnected from my family, and I thought "For once I'm actually going to take control" (3:16) He fell asleep and we ran into a bridge at 100kms an hour (5:34) My neck was shattered.  I had a complete burst fracture in my C7, and a broken back, a broken arm, and pretty much left for dead really (6:18) I didn't realise how bad my injuries were (9:15)  Everyone used to write me off (16:24) I did it to prove to myself that my injuries wouldn't hold me back (16:35) Everyone told me that if I keep doing what I'm doing that my body would be full of arthritis by the time I was 40, and I wouldn't be able to work (19:20) It's daily.  You need to set yourself up daily (23:35) Nothing happens without the mind, and nothing happens without the body ( 27:44) Once we've got these beliefs, we'll look for things to confirm our beliefs - negative or positive (30:04) There's always another level (36:20) More about The Phoenix Experience: Our lives are extremely busy. Constant pressure at work, family and social commitments, the relentless ding of emails and phone calls; we rarely get time for ourselves. Unsure what we would do if we did have time. We can easily forget what’s important to us. Our relationships can fade, our health can suffer and our desire to perform at work can dwindle. When we are with those we care about we are at times not truly present or “in the moment.” The Phoenix Experience helps create awareness, focus and brings balance into each area of our lives. Over 60 minutes be inspired to get more out of life, press pause on your everyday routine and take the time to think about what is important to you. Learn why most people wait for a significant event in their life to change. Instead bring awareness to start to look at different areas of your life that need attention. To find out more about Daniel, you can visit:   website: www.thephoenixexperience.com.au email: riseup@thephoenixexperience.com.au instagram: the_phoenix_experience _________________________ You can find more of Kirsty at: Website: http://kirstysalisbury.com. Kirsty Salisbury is a Speaker, Podcaster and Coach. From traumatic illness and paralysis as a child, she now loves helping others to create healthier happier lives and to design their best future. Her passions are being active and spending time with her family. As the host of The Let's Talk Life Design, Let's Talk Near Death and The Regretless Living Podcasts, she aims to help empower and inspire everyday people to live their best. http://www.letstalklifedesign.com http://www.letstalkneardeath.com http://www.regretlessliving.com www.kirstysalisbury.com

The final podcast of 2017 from The Vintage Rebellion is full of festive cheer as we throw the format out the window and chat about all things Star Wars. With a new movie released the boys discuss The Last Jedi, so if you haven't seen it yet beware there will be spoilers.  We also here from Michael Cooper, Jason Smith, Darren Quinn, Rob Marsh, Steve Savory, Corey Galal, Carl Dennis and Daniel Burgess on their initial reactions to the movie. The boys take a fond look at some of the events they've attended this year from Celebration and Farthest Froms to Empire Day and Echo Live, and who can forget the FACTs trip!!!  Steve Savory acts as The Vintage Rebellion roaming reporter as he talks to starts of the screen in live interviews from Wantage Comic Con. Stuart hosts a three part quiz over the course of the show to see who really is the second best man on the podcast after himself.  It will surprise you who finishes in last place, or probably not actually. The team recollect the last 12 months of The podcast, as they look at the changes that have taken place as well as each member reflecting on their personal sections. Jez recollects fond memories of his magnificent achievement as The Running Stormtrooper during 2017, including some unheard footage. The team also take a look at their personal collecting journeys from the year and where they hope their collecting goes in 2018. Shawn Moynihan joins up with Pete to create The Vintage Rebellion 12 days of Star Wars Christmas, something joyous to look out for during the show. As well as all this we have plenty of chitter chatter, randomness and festive music for you to enjoy over the Christmas period. We here at The Vintage Rebellion would like to wish each and every one of our listeners a stonking Christmas and a wonderful and healthy New Year.  Thank you for all your support, here's to the next 12 months!!! Enjoy the Show!! See you in 2018!

“I believe everyone has inside them the tools to turn their life around, if they choose to do it.” - Daniel Burgess, The Moment HQ podcast Daniel Burgess is the founder of The Phoenix Experience and a master practitioner of coaching. Daniel's life changing moment happened when he was 20 years old. He was a passenger in a single vehicle accident where the driver fell asleep.He was trapped hanging upside down in the car for 2 1/2 hrs. He sustained life-threatening injuries. His back and arm were broken and his neck vertebrae shattered. Daniel's calf muscle suffered 3rd-degree burns, and his foot had been crushed; as you can imagine, he was in a severe condition and he (nearly died). “This [your current situation] is not you. This is only the situation you are in right now. People will judge you on the moment you are in right now, but that's not how it has to be.” In over a decade of interviews, Daniel's story was one that stopped me in my tracks. His bio on his website is a beautiful reminder to us all that we can get through the toughest times. We have the power within us to overcome some of the most emotional, physical, spiritual and mental challenges life presents us. If you're feeling lost or stuck in life, this conversation may just be the thing to lift your spirits and show you there is a new way forward. Daniel and I have a chat about his Life Changing Moment: SURVIVING A NEAR FATAL CAR ACCIDENT, FOLLOWED BY A PERIOD OF HOMELESSNESS. Learn about: Hear about Daniel's brush with death Learn about how he dealt with life post the car accident
Hear Daniel share about his experience being homeless Find out what he's doing now Find out what he believes is the first step to change And find out: What moves Daniel?
 What he believes is his greatest asset?
 What he's afraid of?
 The best piece of wisdom he's been given.
 Check out The Moment HQ's storytelling service "Tell Your Story" http://www.themomenthq.com/program/tell-your-story

Get out and experience life - The Phoenix Experience with Daniel Burgess When is the last time you swam in mountain waterfalls? Or watched a sunrise on top of a mountain. Or when did you last bike ride amazing trails and experience Outback Australia to help you be a better leader in your business? For [...] The post [Ep #173] Get out and Experience Life – The Phoenix Experience with Daniel Burgess appeared first on The Ambitious Entrepreneur Podcast Network.

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." -Unknown- Mark & Special Guest Co-Host, Dan Waldschmidt, Billion Dollar Deal Maker, sit down and have a conversation in the outback, with Daniel Burgess aka The Australian James Bond. Daniel, CEO of The Phoenix Experience, shares his amazing true story, involving a near-fatal car wreck, a broken neck, going on a walk-about in Australia for 6 months, and discovering clarity.... Oh yes, also, he does extreme sky diving, climbs glacier mountain peaks in a classy suits, just trust us and listen to this...NOW! This Episode is a must listen! Host Mark Minard, author of The Story of You, -->MarkMinard.net Guest Co-Host Dan Waldschmidt, author of Edgy Conversations -->http://www.EdgyConversations.com Guest Daniel Burgess, CEO of The Phoenix Experience --->http://thephoenixexperience.com.au/

This months Vintage Rebellion Podcast has a standout interview with collecting illuminati Chris Fawcett, Chris makes a special announcement regarding a project he is working on for Insider Magazine as well as chatting to the Rebellion about a few of his astounding collecting stories.  As well as having Mr Fawcett on the show, we also have Mr Imperial Gunnery himself, JohnPaul Ragusa, who joins Richard for a Oddball special.  Jez brings us the New Acquisitions which he has been looking at including a bargain Squid Head MOC, completing last 17 runs, retro t-shirts, 30 back Yodas, Canadian transitions, graded comics, A Wing test shots, display rooms and Vader utility packs, which is just a sample of the many things he discusses on his segment this month.  In this months Rebel Briefing we look at a whole manner of news including London Film and Comic Con moving to Brighton for this winters show and Daniel Burgess joins the crew to review Force Friday.  Pete brings us another look at the current market where he discusses some beautiful Star Wars items in the Prop Store Auction.  All this plus all your other favourite sections should make this podcast another epic adventure. 

The Vintage Rebellion kicks off where SWFUK Podcast was left with a belter of the show.Joining the team for an interview this month is Star Wars Forum founder and trilogo enthusiast Edd Grant.  We also here from Shane Turgeon during this months news as we discuss his forthcoming book 'Force in the Flesh : Book 2.In this months oddballs Grant catches up with Star Wars Insider Magazines Jonathan Wilkins, whilst he also discusses the recent Watford FilmFair convention with Podcast family member Daniel Burgess.We also have the other usual segments for you to sink your teeth into as Market, Latest Acquisitions and Rapid Fire all return for the first edition of 'The Vintage Rebellion', in fact all that has changed is added banter as Richard gets more stick than usual!!!