Brilliant Observations

"My home is not a landfill, storage unit or museum. How can I use my things if I can't even see them?" All hail Abigail Roe ad @downsizeupgrade for the chant that changed it all. Plus, Missy talks us through the act of sticking things where they don't belong. Amy thins her wigs. And the Boundary Police make another appearance, this time in the form of everyone's favorite word: No.

Busch Light Apple and the importance of teaching your children that no amount of added flavor can offset the actual flavor of anything with the name Busch in it. Moving on. Missy contemplates the wide open karmic spaces of a summer at the beach. Amy reports on the little one's State Championship lacrosse game and the ritualistic burning of Nottaway Plantation (no relation). And Missy does everything she can to avoid much needed rest. 

From Action Dick to the gradual lessening of the finger bang, Melissa takes us on a journey of discovery that spans races, cultures and double stuff Oreos. Then, it's the Pope (as you would expect), plus liming, gift giving and the first installment of Ask Me Anything. And given where the content started, it's hard to imagine where these free-for-all questions will lead us next. Happy Mother's Day!

Don't say we didn't warn you, Dear Listener. TikTok is at it again with an obnoxious food-adjacent "snack" that can only be described as relationship-ending. Amy accidentally gropes herself in public (again). And Missy sums up the weekend that was after our 35th college reunion with the DSharps. 

Be smart enough to shred your own cheese. And be worth it, Dear Listener. That's the lesson. In bread and all things, just be worth it. We hold space for you in our sacred sirloin area as Melissa determines the do's and absolutley do not's when it comes to foreign hands comingling with one's warmed bread.  Plus, we acknowledge the Pope, and cinnamon, and Kenny Rogers, and problematic extended family in social settings (with equal reverence).  You'll get it. Just press the button. 

Fly away, friends! We discuss all sorts of air-based travel this week, Dear Listener, including Dogs on Planes, Birds on Branches and—cue the Muppets—Chicks! In! Space! Missy slips it in again. And Amy neglects her duties. Big. Suprise. Or is it?

An unexpected visit from the cops at midnight prompts Amy to reconsider her parenting techniques. Missy ruminates on why she ruminates. And the deadline for Our Second Act fast approaches—with no resolution in sight. (To say nothing of the poop podcast.) All this on more, Dear Listener. 

Here'e the thing: if you're not experiencing heightened arousal at the sign of a delicately handled kraft paper bag, are you even alive? Join us, Dear Listener, as we journey down the rabbit hole of birthdays, work-husbandry and the half-life of a vat of Hellmann's. 

Oh, Walt. If you could see how they're treating us you'd set fire to Epcot, too. It's Fat Shaming at the Magic Kingdom, Dear Listener, complete with actual weigh-ins and colored wrist bands lest you thought you could escape. Because nothing says vacation like a mandatory weight check before standking for hours in the Orlando sun. Good times.  Missy muses about the business upside of hosting fictitious weddings. And Amy takes an unscheduled trip straight to the heart of Mafia Village. 

If ever one wondered, Dear Listener, please know that sitting is the opposite of standing. Join us as we explore this and other truths this week while Stuart fights for his life after declaring his intention to "clean out" the garage. (Oh dear.) Missy updates us on her rising Legal Eagle. And Amy inxeplicably launches into a Ted Talk on international spam protocols. As one does. It's a laugh riot per uhuuuussse, sweet ones. So please enjoy. We certainly did!

Cadaver Flight, Chikfil-a Wedding Day and Guess What's Under the Mattress—all this and more, on today's Brilliant Observations! Join us, won't you, as Amy shuns Michael Jackson's musical legacy, welcomes appliance repair folk and resists the allure of the prison fork. Meanwhile, Missy does the research on imbiciles getting married, imbiciles making remakes and, of course, imbiciles doing the research. 

Tom Hanks, high maintenance friends and relatable poop talk (is it, though?) are but some of the conversational gems we bring you this week, Dearest Listener. As always, thank you for tuning in, turning on and turning out for us each and every episode. We love you! 

She's stealing hearts and smelling farts, Dear Listener, so strap in. We've got another cavalcade of nonsense queued up for you this week, including Birthday Party Trauma, Mrs. Bojangles and (my favorite) Broken Chain of Custody Chicken. Weeeeee!  

It's a knock down, drag out, fruit-based fight, Dear Listener, and only one pastry can be the winner. So grab a fork and stick it in your nosy neighbor's ass (because we're done with the niceties this week, also). As always, there's lots to share, lots of laughs, and even more to love. We're so glad you're back. 

Easy, Perv. It only sounds gross. This week, we discuss Superbowl highlights, the merits of microaggression and fun with Florida. Look at us, making friends in every state. Gracious. 

Oh, Dear Listener, dare we show our age whilst we ask: does no one take advice anymore? It's a conundrum, to be sure, especially when you consider how willling and able we are to dish it out. But alas. These young ones today seem contented to flout our ways. Look at them, with their vacation "registries" and luxuriously nonfunctional fingernails. Tsk tsk. To think? How do they wipe?

Tell me 50 attractive, non-sexual traits you seek in a partner (and why Blake Lively has none of them). It's a sweeping conversation this week, Dear Listener, starting deep on Broad Street with Fly, Eagles, Fly and continuing down memory lane into the train wreck that is It Ends With Us. Good thing Missy's here with 30 seconds of penis content. Wang!

What goes down must come up, Dear Listener, at least in terms of gastric juices. Biohazard Amy shares a shocking number of fluid-based mishaps, while Melissa grapples with her authority as a creator of worlds. 

Happy New Year from Dry January Headquarters, Dear Listener. We're coming in HOT this week with a host of penis shaped weather nonsense, the miracle of salt water and Stuart's antics at the Sauna Club. All that plus 30 seconds with Amy, MIssy boards a plane and LISTENERR FEEDBACK (and it's not even Christmas). 

Welp, we made it, Dear Listener. 2024 is officially behind us. And if you're like most, you're feeling remarkably un-verklempt at the passing of said Poo Sandwich. Good news is: we're gearing up for our Best. Year. Eva. And we want you to come with.  Yes, Melissa. I ended a sentence with a with.  See? There are worse things than all of 2024.  Join us this week for a rolicking look back at our holiday foibles, our lives on sonder, tips and tricks for surviving dark hallways, and your favorite, Dear Listener Feedback! We're so grateful for you—and for this joyous gift of friendship. What a ride.  

Happy Merry Joyous Blessed Easy Crispy Fresh Squeezed Hot & Ready Now, Dear Listener. (Should old aquiantance be forgot.) We love you, we mean it. Our highest best and always, Melissa and Amy. 

Greetings, Soufganiot fans. You'll be pleased to know that the annual cost of Christmas Trees has now surpassed $4.6 billion per family. Score one for Hannukah! In other news, Missy continues to deal with the detritus of The Great Purge. Amy discusses the possibility of removing all her hair. And we both fantasize about the hidden riches of highway based realities.  

It's Go Time, Dear Listener, and you're on deck with a mission critical assignment: FEEDBACK. Our girl is struggling this week, and the only thing to cure her funk is a mountain of positive reinforcement in the form of Listener Engagement. So hop on Gmail and drop Missy a line at brilliantobervations@gmail.com. Social media more your speed? Post to your channel and tag @ListenBrilliant. Or just stand at the nearest window and scream until your lungs expire. (Oh wait, that's what Missy's doing.)  Once you're done, give us a listen. We promise we'll give you a laugh.  Topics this week include smiling in the face of death, the great closet purge, CBS "television" shows, teen vomit, and the death of a healthcare CEO (or birth of a legend).    

It's not everyday that Melissa dictates the name of the episode. But so moved was she this week, Dear Listener, that she did just that. We give you: Amy's Thanksgiving.  Enjoy. 

Dance, Monkey, Dance — it's Thanksgiving, Dear Listener! We've loaded up the laughs to make the time fly as you prep, plump, clean, commute, gorge, purge, decorate, designate and defacate your way through this blessed secular holiday. (Still sorry, Native 'Merica!) Join us, won't you, as we ignore the news, forget cultural references and dig deep in family drama. In You Can't Eat at Errybody House news, Missy suffers a fresh insult that shall henceforth be known as KUGELGATE.  Thirty seconds with Amy is back, along with your favorite, Non Sequitur Theatre featuring Matthew McConaughey's whistling tuna sandwhich. Plus, Missy melts down over the anorexia cry for help masquerading as the Wicked press tour. (Eat a sandwich, Ariana. Seriously.) We love you.  We're grateful for you.   

Asking for a friend... and don't be gross. We cover a lot of ground this week, Dear Listener, including the perils of poorly planned Friendsgiving, toddlers making soup, Missy's fascination with the societal promise of gastrointestinal distress, and Brides Behaving Badly. It's another joyful romp through the ADHD wilderness. And we can't wait to take you along for the ride. 

Continue the distraction with upbeat giggles and advice from We, the Righteous. Join us as we energize each other, embrace our unique talents, and smile our way through this glorous gift we call life. 

Who's ready for a laugh? Join us, Dear Listener, as we bounce our way through all the ridiculousness Missy can't seem to avoid on TikTok starting with Hate Cups: A User's Guide. Amy comes in strong with some poorly managed breathing exercises (because, Science) then follows it up with nasocranial biohazards, party edition. Josh and Josh's Mom make their usual unwelcome dish, and we all enjoy a brief round up of Famous Athletes Acting Badly featuring sports friends gone bad Jason (or is it Travis?) Kelsey and basketballer Joel Embiid. See? I do watch sports.  Remember: if a problem can be fixed, then being angry is no use.  And if a problem can't be fixed, then being angry is no use.  Sending love to the crest fallen, bruised, dejected and at risk.  We see you.  We serve you.  We are you.  With grateful hearts, the work continues. 

Mmmmm...catalogs. Is there anything better to arrive in the mail? Sears. JC Penney. Spiegel. Consumer Distributors. J Peterman. Even The ToysRUs Look Book. Missy takes us down mail-order memory lane as a sweet antidote to the daring political discussion of early voting in our two battleground states. Then, it's Tom Hardy's dog's voice. Subtitles. And a fullsome dissection of the Netflix hit Nobody Wants This. Super bouncy this week, Dear Listener. Give us a play. You won't regret it!

What's more shocking than Dairy Queen's new vomit-themed chicken slabs? Perhaps warm pimento cheese masquerading as a gay-hating chicken crime. Missy does the Lord's work with a tricky visit to see her ornery parents. Her reward? A vintage Dow Jones ticker and 6.2 billion Toby mugs (all available to ship now). Amy goes wee wee wee all the way home on a Trump pee-pad rumor. But don't fret, Dear Listener. Our focus on the heavy stuff is as fleeting as the breeze though a Florida wind chime. 

It's another whirlwind episode, Dear Listener, and not just because of Hurricane Milton. Join us as we dive deep into Missy's true love language — gifting — only to discover the biggest gift she could ever give "doesn't come from the store." Well, well! Color me interested. 

Move over, Call Her Daddy, there's a new STD-aware podcast in town. Jim Carey kills another one — or does he? Missy officiates a wedding. And Amy suffers the cosmic trauma of TikTok's Josh (and Josh's Mom). 

It's getting hot in here, Dear Listener, and not for the reasons you think. It's the semi-annual Thermostat Wars, and Amy is no where near winning. Plus, Missy punctuates her restful hour-long visits to the beach with a luxurious new Dispensary find: and it's the actual Dispensary. And TikTok disgraces Josh and his Mom give the world a first-hand peek behind the Dollar General discount bin. Warning: there's a way to make canned lima beans even worse.  (Yes, we dabble in the disappointment that is Diddy. Just skip to the end. Lord knows he did.) 

First things first, Dear Listener: The Bear is NOT a comedy. This week, we dive deep into the file cabinet to uncover the many mysteries of Dina's Secret Folder (it's genetic!). Emmy wins and losses. Bucket list dates of future past. Dave Grohl steps out (again). And the main event: does Amy actually know the would-be assassin who stalked former president Donald Trump? Listen and learn, kids. And remember: when Jesus comes calling, be sure to put your best shirt forward. 

What's better than King Charles's sausage fingers, Taylor Swift's Kamala Harris endorsement and microdosing on Costco pallet-sized overstock unboxings on TikTok? Knowing who your friends are. Join us as we laugh our way through the ins and outs of adult friendships, starting with when to make friends, how to keep them and, best of all, what it means to live your life according to the Three Ds.  And we don't mean Donnie, Dopey and Do-nuthin.  Curious? Be sure to listen to all the way to the end (as Dear Listener knows, that's where we stash the gold). Or act like Veruca Salt and skip ahead to minute 48. Either way, you win.   

How late is too late for checking out after checkout time? Missy feels this one in the gut. In male news, Nut Talk reaches new heights as we "take to the Internet" for bathing advice. Missy works through the final days of renting the beachhouse. And Amy starts a September Reset. All this on more. Heh heh heh.

Taking a break from our near-constant discussion of precipitous bowel release (just kidding, friends), we venture into the oft-overlooked territory of stealing from one's siblings. Time was, we stole sweatshirts, devil dogs, prime seating on car trips. This week, it's friends. Next week, who knows?  Plus, Amy gets hacked. Feeding the children ramps up. And Missy yearns for a return to her sandy seaside escape. 

Of all the delicious things we could offer you, Dear Listener — and let's be honest, we're offered you quite a few — there's nothing more enticing than what we have loaded up for you this week. Friendship. Get ready for all the feels when Missy remembers just who the F she is during these troubled, trying times. And yes, we sample the mayonnaise. 

Lu La Roe. Olympic breakdancing. Aging parents. Volunteering for jobs you have no intention of doing. And of course, Disneyland. Care to join, Dear Listener, as Melissa audibly implodes? It's a roaring good time, we promise. Just don't mention Tom Cruise.  

Where shall we begin, Dear Listener? Oh I know! The toilet. It's a riotous week for podcasting, gang, replete with questionable topics, sex dream recaps, depilitories gone wild, and — you guessed it — how many fingers is Melissa holding up? We go there, kids. And there, and there, and oh my goodness there, too.  Definitely not suitable for the kids this week. But as the french pole vaulters say, I got your medal right here.

Quick question: does violence make every sport better? We're speaking of course, Dear Listener, of the oh, oh, oh, oh-LYM-pics, you knoooooww (sung to the tune of Ozempic), and the global awareness of yet another competitive event made that much more exciting by the threat of fullly sanctioned mid-competition paddling. And we do mean paddling.  We're talking all things "Schports!" this week, Dear Listener, including regionally stereotpyes team uniforms, international phrases (are they, though?) heard on the sidelines, and of course, our favorite sport: people watching at the Costco.  Plus Maya Rudolph's sneaky new venture, kiddo updates and much more. 

Lewd, much? It's defnitely a not suitable for work episode this week, Dear Listener, as we stumble through the sudden rise of female-centered sex acts in mainstream Hollywood. But not to worry. We also cover hostess gifts, double chins, the rising cost of law school and rats at the bedside. Fun stuff!

It's the People Doing Bad Things episode, Dear Listener, and to be honest, what else would you expect in a week when a former POTUS and prospective nominee gets shot? Vigilante Teen-Led Pedophile Sting Operations, of course! We're riding the wave of insanity that is July 2024, Dear Listener, and that means no shortage of content for us to laugh about. Join us as we dissect the moral obgligations of bystander parenthood, Fetish Feeding (are you a victim?), saying goodbye to Dr. Ruth, Toxic Tampons (you know, for the kids!) and Riding the Ole Hobby Horse, Fit'land Style. Got a long drive planned? Then this is your soundtrack. Just give the kids some earplugs first. Enjoy!

Up this week: unexpected nuclear alerts (both about and completely not about Joe Biden), Beverly Hills Cop the remake featuring what's-his-name, and Middle Schoolers Behaving Badly (TikTok Edition). All that, plus unpaid labor, the trouble with generational trauma, and lessons from Hurricane Beryl. We even throw in a banging popcorn recipe to keep it light. Lots to love in this one, Dear Listener. So grab a friend, pull up a chair and press play. Cheers, big ears!

Swifties forgetting themselves, Costco is the new venue, and the biologic inevitibility of duck vitamins (it's a thing). Where would you be without us, Dear Listener? Slightly sadder and a wee bit wiser, I'd say.  Sounds like a fair trade. 

Ahhh, nudity on camera. Will you ever not fascinate us? This week, Melissa and Amy uncover (see what I did there?) the difference between acting, Bridgerton, and porn. We also cover shieding one's Littles from dangerous words and deeds. And the Police make a special appearance in a very showy Tesla. Why, what were you looking for? Documented evidence of Amazon delivering your package to the wrong address? Bucket list aspirations for your children over which you have no control? Hurting people for no reason — and taking zero responsbiliity for your actions? Yep, yea, yes. Got all that, too. So give us a listen, send us a comment, share with a friend. You know the deal, Dear Listener. 

Ever wonder how conspiracy theories and complex, multisystem traumas get their start? Let's ask Melissa's Mom.  You sincerely won't believe this one, Gang.  No spoilers, but you might never see the Clean Plate Club the same way again.  All that, plus the wonders of evening weed, New York Times Games round up, the true purpose of luxury items, fake influencers, berries at Erewhon, and the endlessly fascinating weirdness of Utah "dating."