Busting Addiction and Its Myths

It's one thing to feel your feelings and quite another to have them rule you.When I was drinking and using, I was ruled by my emotions. I had no filter, no guidance.I bounced between fear and desire. I was afraid of many things: fear of looking bad of being rejected, of not being cool, of losing my job (I was fired three times before I woke up), afraid of permanent insanity, of being broke (I was broke a lot). Name a fear, and I had it.Fear manifests itself in several different ways: anxieties from mild to severe, but always anxious, nightmares, obsessions, depression, anger (provoke by fear). Fear of losing something that I valued or fear of not getting what I want.FEAR is an acronym for F... Everything And Run, or: False Evidence Appearing Real.Then there's the flip side: being ruled by desire, by a craving and wanting and longing for escape from reality, for getting and staying high or drunk or both, for sex, for recognition (the ego stroke), for looking cool, for having the nicest car, or clothes, or the best-looking girlfriend. All superficial stuff.It wasn't until I started living by a set of principles as taught by AA that I finally came to a serene place, no longer ruled by fear or desire. No longer ruled purely by emotion. I let the principles of honesty and kindness, and courage rule my life.FEAR now stood for its antidote: Face Everything And Recover.

One of the things we talk about in our recovery is the idea of “one day at a time”.  This is a greater challenge for many in early recovery than it appears. While in treatment, we were kept very busy, and we were super-focused on what we needed to do that day.Once treatment is over, or for those who just came in the from the cold without treatment, you need to be conscious of the importance of the “daily reprieve” because that is all you ever get.I once told a guy I was sponsoring that he could stay sober forever if he stayed sober today. He says: “Why is that boss?” I said that he could stay sober forever because it's always today. It is not yesterday or tomorrow. It's today. The eternal Now. The reprieve is just for today, not for tomorrow.Therefore, it becomes important that those just starting out by creating a daily schedule – I call it a personalized set of rituals – that keeps you on track every day.An example that works for many, me included, is to start the day with the 3d and 7th step prayer, followed by a reading of the Daily Reflection. I like to read the “On awakening” section on page 86-88 of the Big Book to get my head further into the game.Attending a 12-step meeting (in my case, it's AA) several times a week is critical. That's where Fellowship comes in. That's where you can share freely, make true friends and learn how others work the program. It cures loneliness and isolation, one of the main enemies of recovery.Then there is reading something from the literature every day. If you're new to AA, start at the beginning and read the first 164 pages of the Big Book. Then read them over again a few times. Take a look at the inside the front cover of the Big Book. There is a list of great literature which you can order from www.aa.orgIt's important that you stay in touch with your sponsor who will help guide you through the days and weeks. Work with him or her to create your daily and weekly plan. Your sponsor will help you build a solid foundation for life, one day at a time.

I asked a wise man in my program his definition of his life's purpose, and he said: “My goal is to stay sober every day of my life, taking one day at a time, and that's how I'll make my sobriety permanent.”  There's magic in living one day, one moment at a time.Your anxiety evaporates when you understand that the future does not really exist, that it's just an idea in your mind, and you do not have to live there. "Fear is the price you pay to trespass into the future” is an old AA saying.Your emotions get all riled up when you start to see the future as a real thing. Mark Twain, American writer and philosopher famously said: “I have experienced many terrible things, most of which have never happened. “The past is another place you don't want to live in, or dwell on. My counsellor in early recovery told me: “It's OK to play the videotape, just don't stare at it. It isn't going to change, anyway”.Until you reconcile with the truth of what you did to yourself and others as you work the 12 Steps, the past will likely haunt you with resentments, regrets, shame and hurt.  That's why a) it's best to stay in today, in the moment and b) get into your recovery and be fearless and thorough from the very start.

One of the most difficult things to do is to resist peer pressure to drink or use. Here are some thoughts on how to neutralise that threat.Chances are that the people you thought were your true friends were maybe not. They hung around with you or you with them when the real attraction was the opportunity to drink and abuse drugs, and often both.So, the first order of business is to jettison those people who are a danger to your sobriety. Like saying “go away” to your dealer.  It's a problem if you owe him any money. But don't let that scare you into making a deal with him that has you dipping back into the pot for more pot.Same goes for your bartender. You owe him or her no explanation for not going back to that bar. If it's connected to the restaurant, just don't eat there anymore. Easy.Your so-called friends who are still using and drinking might pressure you to join them in the “fun”. It always takes a while to separate the wheat from the chafe, anyway. Your true friends will support your recovery, not try to subvert it.An easy out, if asked why you're not drinking in a social situation such as a wedding, is to just say: “Oh, I'm not drinking today”. And chances are they'll leave you alone and not try to push anything on you.You are best, however, to stay out of situations that may serve as triggers for you, at least in the early going. There's an old saying in AA:” Hang around the barber shop long enough and sooner or later, you'll get a haircut.”

In this podcast, we discuss what to do just in case you slip and have yourself a relapse.It is a well-known fact that relapse is characteristic of the disease of addiction and alcoholism. A lucky few make it long term on the first try, and I hope you are one of them.The vast majority usually need to get to the next lower rung on the ladder to Hell before they wake up and ask for help. But don't let the fact that you can come back be used as an excuse that “I can always come back in from the cold.” Because the disease is so powerful, you might not make it back.Addicts and alcoholics don't wake up because they see the light. They wake up because they feel the heat.  They have to arrive at their own conclusion that they are now desperate enough to reach out for help.Those who have a sponsor will hear the sponsor say: “Don't call me after you've been drinking and now, you're crying to me. Call whenever you feel like drinking or using.”So that is my point: call your sponsor whenever a craving hits you, and if you don't have a sponsor, get one now. And of you slip up, call your sponsor or any of the other numbers you should have collected by now if you can't reach your sponsor.In other words, get back in the saddle as soon as possible. The less time between your slip and your re-entry, the better the chances of making it, period.

Let's talk about emotions – how to identify what they are and the importance to your recovery of honestly sharing how you feel.I was taught in treatment that there six primary emotions, and of course, countless nuances of these emotions. Think of them as the primary colours of your emotional rainbow.  In truth, you could feel all of them at the same time, but in varying degrees of intensity. When you feel something, but can't identify it, ask yourself: Am I glad, mad, sad, afraid, ashamed or hurt? Each of these feelings lend themselves to variants. For example: there are many shades of mad – angry, resentful, rageful, annoyed, irritated, pissed off, dissatisfied and so on.Why is it important that you identify your feelings? Well, you've been stuffing them for so long, you don't know how to truly feel something without getting freaked out. Whenever you had an unpleasant feeling, you used alcohol and/or drugs to snuff it out. Addicts run from their feelings. They especially run from shame, which some call a master emotion because it can define an addict's persona.There's an old saying that goes like this: “The good news is you get your feelings back. The bad news is you get your feelings back.” Before recovery, your feelings were like a coiled spring, shoved down by substance abuse. Stop the drinking and drugs, and what happens? You relieve the pressure, but the spring now whipsaws up and down until it finds its equilibrium. That's why some call early recovery an emotional rollercoaster.Why is it critical that you are honest about what you feel and that you share your feelings with people you trust? Respectful people will honour your feelings as essential to who you are as a human being. All you have to do is identify what it is your feeling and share your feelings openly. You've bottled them up for way too long. You can expect to experience emotions that may be contrary, such as mad and glad.  Anger, for example, rarely travels alone. It is often triggered by hurt. Anger is the default emotion for males in our society. It was for me. Until I got in touch with my sadness over losing my daughter in a divorce, I would just get angry. Until I got in touch with the hurt, I would just get pissed off.

Let's talk about some of the ways your thinking will change as you get exposed to ideas that may be foreign to you but start to make a lot more sense when you experience the miracle of recovery.You thought you could do this alone and discover that your own puny willpower is of no use whatsoever in fighting this disease. In fact, alcoholics and addicts are some of the most wilful people who have ever walked the earth, but then they discover that addiction will simply not yield to willpower. No matter how hard or how many times they have tried.Addiction will yield, however to a power greater than yourself – any power that's not just you.  You can call your group a higher power, or you can go with the Spirit of the Universe, or with any number of conceptions such as a Christian God, Buddha's teachings or what is found in the Holy Koran.   It says in the Big Book of AA :”The purpose of this book is to help you find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problem”. You get to define your own higher power. How brilliant is that?It never occurred to me that I would find liberation in discipline. That feels like a contradiction in terms, but it really isn't. Allow me to explain. When I was drinking and using, I followed every desire and whim chasing a high, chasing sex, or excitement or whatever my ego demanded I must have now. I was equally the victim of my own fears – fear of looking bad in your eyes, fear of financial disaster, afraid of losing my job or my lover. I had no rudder to guide my thinking or actions.It wasn't until I began to live by a set of principles as taught by AA that I was freed from my compulsions to drink, abuse drugs, or chase pleasures wantonly. I finally had some rules to live by: honesty, kindness, and altruism as opposed to selfishness all the way, all the time.I also learned that there was victory in surrender, another apparent contradiction. It wasn't until I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable that I regained the power of choice – the choice not to drink, one day at a time. I went on to embrace the idea that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. And it all started with surrender – the admission of powerlessness paved the way for real power, real victory over King Alcohol.

As I alluded to earlier, every person in early recovery needs a toolbox to which he or she can turn and use a tool that could save their sobriety and perhaps even their very lives.In addition to the basics, I've already mentioned which are: attend meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and/or Narcotics Anonymous (the two major groups for recovering people), get a sponsor who will guide you through the 12 steps, and work the Steps diligently. It doesn't hurt to find a Power greater than yourself to help you on the path of becoming a spiritual person.Some tools of practical use also include the following:Start eating in a healthier way. It's 100% true that active alcoholics and addicts have horrible eating habits before they get clean. Getting the right nourishment into your depleted system will go a long way to help your body and your brain recover from the damage that you've likely caused due to negligence.Start getting into a “normal” sleep routine. The all-nighters are a thing of the past now, so try to get into a sleep pattern that has you going to bed in the evening and awakening in the morning. Unless your shift work demands otherwise, of course.  Sounds a bit weird to have to say: “go to bed at night and wake up in the morning”, but if you think about it, nothing about life as an addict was normal, sleep being no exception.Take advantage of your body's ability to reward you with a natural high in the form of endorphins that'll kick in once you start exercising. Your body is an amazing healing machine when you treat it right. Your body craves movement and exertion. When you start getting fit, your brain will recover more quickly, your senses will come alive, more oxygen will flow through your system, your stress level (and probably your blood pressure) will go down, anxiety levels will ease, and you'll feel better about you.Use the 24-hour plan. You can decide to not take a drink for the next 24 hours, and you can start any time if you feel a craving coming on. Now, some people in early recovery have already found a Higher Power so that they can ask the Power to lift that craving one moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Some gents whom I have sponsored would divide their days into morning, afternoon and evening. This type of strategy avoids the “going on the wagon” or a similar pledge that makes the prospect of staying clean and sober an impossibly high mountain to climb.Again, use the phone. Get as many phone numbers as you can so that when the craving hits or your emotions take a dark turn, you have someone you can talk to unload your fears, talk you off the ledge or better yet, share a joy or a funny story. Anything to get your mind off the next “first” drink or hit.  That's what a sponsor is for, but just as important, you have become part of a Fellowship that will nurture you and keep you connected. Isolation leads to “stinking thinking” which can lead you back to drinking and using. Fellowship is the antidote to isolation.

The right way to talk about addiction and/or alcoholism is in the context of: what it was like (how awful was it, really?), what happened (you got so desperate that you finally asked for help) and what it's like now (you're in recovery and getting better, saner, healthier physically, mentally and for the first time, have gotten in touch with a power greater than your little self).An unhelpful way to talk about addiction and/or alcoholism is to express how badly you might be craving a drink or a hit right now, how it would OK to “just have one”, how a relapse is not the end of the world, how you could always come back (the reality is that some never make it back), and to recall the “fun” times you had (that's known as “euphoric recall)” omitting the consequences – burning money, getting arrested, sabotaging your relationships and your job, as examples of denial at work.A helpful view is this: “I didn't ask for this, but now that I have it, I am responsible for taking care of myself in the right way.” I'll do the next right thing, one day at a time and I won't listen to the voice that lies to me and says it's OK to take a drink or abuse a substance.” That's positive self-talk the recovering way.

It is well said and true that resentments are the #1 killer of addicts and alcoholics. If we lead a life of deceit, manipulation and the direct pursuit of pleasure to the exclusion of everything else, we will find ourselves resenting those who get in the way of our pursuits. None of these resentments are justified, yet we carry them around like a bag of rocks, weighing our spirit down. It is not until we work the 4th and 5th steps that we disclose our resentments and why they feel justified when they are, not. Most of the time, the people we resent are innocent of any crime. And even if in the rare event that they may have hurt us, there comes a time for us to forgive them, so that we can let go of the hurt.In early recovery, it's crucial not to take everything personally as we did when we were using and drinking. People will always be their imperfect selves, unto themselves, and that is perfectly ok. It's not just about “me” anymore. We start to care about others, for we are no longer as self-centred as we were before we got clean and sober.

There are some aspects of addiction and alcoholism, which are not readily apparent until you see how these diseases infiltrate the thinking of those who are affected. It's no wonder that the Big Book of AA says this: “Remember we deal with alcohol (or drugs), cunning, baffling and powerful. Without help, it is too much for us.” This is as true today as it was in April 1939 when the Big Book was published.  So here are a few things to remember for those struggling with the early stages of recovery.The easy part is the “getting clean and sober” part. You can put down the weed, or the pills, or the bottle sure enough. It's the staying clean and sober part that is the real challenge, and it goes well beyond that, as I shall explain.If you say to yourself that “I have to stay sober forever, or from now on.”, then you are setting yourself up for failure. You're freaking out because the challenge is too daunting. This is what I say to the fellows I sponsor: “Hey buster, you can stay sober forever if you stay sober today. Do you know why I say that? Because, my dear friend, it is always today.”The disease will lie to you. It will say: No way is this possible and make a huge mountain of it, because it wants you to give up trying and go back to your comfort zone, the familiar yet ultimately fatal obsession that brought you to your knees to begin with. Remember, this is just a thought, and it's a lie.Another thought that is a lie: it's OK to have just one drink or one hit, that you can quit any time you like. It is written that addiction and alcoholism represent an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind.  “Allergy” is hereby defined as an “abnormal reaction” which means that once you take that first drink or hit, the phenomenon of craving sets in, which then makes it impossible to stop after “just one”.  The obsession is obvious: unless you reach out for help, you'll be jonesing day and night for that hit or that drink, or both.

There are four pillars to recovery, and they are: don't drink or use (between meetings), go to those meetings (several times a week, at least at first) get a sponsor (and follow his or her advice) and work the 12 steps.“Don't drink or use between meetings.”  This is harder than it sounds, but it became easier for an ex-drunk like me to understand when it was pointed out that the more frequently, I attended meetings, the less time and opportunity there was to go pick up that first drink.Meetings serve as a school for learning how to live clean and sober, attain a sense of belonging to something greater than oneself, being part of a group of people who “get it”, finding a sponsor, connecting to recovering people whom you can trust, and who could become true friends with whom you can share virtually anything.I know of few, if any, people who have achieved long-term sobriety without the close support of a sponsor, one who has a solid base of sobriety, works the program and sincerely wants to help the next suffering addict or alcoholic. A sponsor is essentially a tour guide through the 12 steps. It is a truism in recovery that “You can't keep it unless you give it away.”Work the 12 steps. By “work” I mean study them, read about them in the literature, discuss them with your sponsor and do the reflecting, writing and sharing as prescribed. Working the steps takes us on an internal, spiritual journey. It helps us to relieve shame and guilt, get honest with ourselves, make amends wherever necessary and hold ourselves accountable. It's about finally growing up.

Let's talk about the many aspects of relapse prevention. This is incredibly important if you're just starting out on your journey of recovery.  This is when you're most vulnerable to going back “out there”.Just as iPhones have proven to be incredibly useful tools for navigating our way through our personal, academic and work lives, so too, can they be put to practical use in helping us prevent a relapse, or come back from one in short order, if you really want to get and stay clean and sober.For one thing, now there are apps that can help you with your recovery. There's one called Everything AA which is fully loaded with e-versions of the main literature, contains audio versions of AA writings and also has prayers and other inspirational content. There's also a Narcotics Anonymous (NA) app which can help you find meetings anywhere, including online.A simple Google search of online meetings for Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous (the two most common 12-step programs) will yield many options that allow a recovering person to connect with others in a private setting dedicated to recovery.Perhaps the most powerful use of your phone comes in when you need another addict or alcoholic to talk to. In AA, we talk about that “100 pound” phone, which speaks to the reluctance that people in early recovery have about picking up the phone and calling a sponsor or a friend, ideally a program buddy. The whole 12-step recovery program, starting with AA in 1935, was based on one alcoholic talking to another. Breaking isolation and connecting to the fellowship is an essential element in recovery. That's why using the phone is crucial.

Here's our final special episode that we have relaunched as requested by many of our followers.Welcome back to Busting Addiction and its Myths, and we have called this episode Treatment Doesn't Work, Or Does It?Here's what we cover:My guest Tony and I bust the myth that some people believe in, and that is that treatment doesn't work. That is true if you don't do the work and if you aren't honest with yourself, and you aren't willing to surrender your old ways of thinking.Many affluent, educated people end up addicted to opioids who might not have otherwise become addicted were it not for being prescribed opioid pain killers post-surgery. The odds are that better than one in ten patients will become addicted, and even higher if they are genetically pre-disposed to addiction.Families can educate themselves on ways to help arrest and treat addiction, and how they can join a community of caring people who want to help our society and support each other in the campaign against opioid abuse. Just visit shatterproof.org to learn more.An addict seeking recovery will get the most out of treatment by throwing himself fully into the process one day at a time.Long term recovery is less about recovering normal brain function and more about learning things that addicts never learned while living in a self-imposed closed system. Addicts need to outgrow their self-centeredness in order to become responsible, caring and authentic human beings.One more shout out to the miracles that happen in AA, and an invitation to contact us at info@safehouserehab.com and to visit us at safehouserehab.com where we stand by 24/7 to help families who are desperate for answers.

Here's one more special episode that has been requested by many of our followers.Let's talk about enablingIn this episode, we discuss how enabling can inhibit the chances of an addict's recovery by shielding them from the realities of a grown-up life.The truths we reveal in this episode:The enabling of loved ones makes it easy or possible to keep the addict's addiction alive and progressing.Many people close to the addict/alcoholic enable them without having any idea that it's happening. They are in involuntary denial until they get the unwanted but necessary wake-up call.When we enable, we deny the opportunity for the addict to feel the heat…to experience the learning that comes with feeling the consequences. When we excuse, explain and cover for the addict, we keep the addict in a dependent, childish state, shielded from reality.We are sitting ducks for the addict to steal our money, our time, our oxygen and our peace of mind unless we become aware of our dysfunction as enablers.Just like Tony said: don't quit trying to quit. Hardly anybody gets it right the first time out, so do not be too discouraged. At least your loved one is giving it a shot.

Here we go again with yet another special episode that we have relaunched as requested by many of our followers.It's a disease, stupid!Paraphrasing a famous political slogan from the US, this episode offers slam-dunk proof that addiction and alcoholism are disease states and that the addict has lost his power of choice when the disease compels him to inflict harm on himself and others.We cover these topics:Addiction and alcoholism are recognised by the leading scientists in the US as chronic, relapsing diseases of the brain, causing compulsive using behaviour and loss of control over intake, despite harmful long-term consequences.The main take-away is that addiction is compulsive so that when an addiction is activated, addicts lose the power of choice, that he will perform a harmful act over and over.There go all the theories of it being a moral failing or the power of will. Just say no is false promise.Saying that treatment or 12 –step programs don't work is like blaming the gym if you're out of shape. “You have to make the commitment and do the work for you to have any chance of long-term success.”Long term success in recovery is more about what the addict does AFTER he leaves treatment than the fact that he went into treatment. Recovery is a lifetime commitment.

This week we have another special episode that we have again relaunched as requested by many of our followers.In this podcast, we reveal that addiction must be treated as the primary disorder, that families need to retain a trained professional, and that the addict's crazy decisions are made by a damaged brain. Does that get your attention?We cover these topics:Addiction must be treated as the primary disorder, as the cause of mental and behavioural problems, and not as the result.Addicts/alcoholics, when they aren't ready to quit, are very slick and will do anything to protect their ability to use or drink, including lying to professionals.If you decide to seek professional help, find a professional who is trained in addictive disorder…someone who is an AODA (Alcohol or Drug Addiction) psychiatrist or counsellor.You'll no longer be puzzled by the irrational, unpredictable and irresponsible behaviour of your addict when you realised that he or she is operating with a damaged brain which is simply incapable of making good decisions.It will lighten the emotional burden of family and loved ones of an addict to know that they didn't cause the addiction, they can't control it, and they can't cure it. That leaves them with more realistic options, such as seeking professional help and educating themselves on the disease.

Here is another special episode that we have relaunched as it is a subject matter that has been requested by many of our followers.In this podcast, we reveal more truths about addiction, in that it makes the whole family unit dysfunctional. We also discuss the deadly opioid epidemic and the truth behind the deadliest street drug: Fentanyl.We cover these topics:Addiction doesn't just affect the family, it makes the whole family unit very sickCross, or poly-addiction is common among addicts these days, as there is so much available cheaply and easily.The deadliest Opioid is no longer heroin, it's Fentanyl, 100 times more powerful available straight up, and killing up to 100 people a day in the US.A plug for our treatment centre: SafeHouse Rehab Thailand, where we offer a life-changing experience in the perfect environment for recovery, helping families and clients address the modern challenges of addiction.

We have relaunched this special episode as it is a subject matter that has been requested by many of our followers.In this podcast, we bust the myth that an addict who doesn't get it the first time is a loser, when in fact he is on his way to success. He will, however, duck the issue every chance he gets. We cover these topics:The facts about relapse.What commitment looks like.How love is not the issue.The games addicts play.You are the problem, crazy, right?What will it take: heat.

Q: Why does addiction have such a powerful ripple effect on the family?A: It turns out that the whole family becomes sick as a consequence of alcoholism or drug addiction striking any one individual in the family. Family members carry shame and guilt over their loved one's disorder. At first, they deny the problem exists. Then they try to control the uncontrollable. They lie to the neighbours, cast blame on each other and the addict and forge an unhealthy co-dependency if it isn't already a main feature within the family.Typically, it's the mum or wife who bears the greatest burden. She is only OK if her addict son or husband is OK, and more important, OK with her. That's the essence of co-dependency: tied to each other emotionally, with one party (mum, usually) trying her best to control a disorder which is out of control within her son.The disease is progressive, cunning, baffling and powerful. Sometimes fatal. As it says in recovery literature: “Without help, it is too much for us”. It is way too much for any one family member to tackle on their own.

Q: Do interventions work?A: Yes and no. Interventions come in two categories: professional and family led. Even interventions conducted by professional interventionists may fail if the subject of the intervention refuses to “get on the plane”. Often this happens because the family has somehow failed in organising its own part, or the intervention somehow provokes anger or blaming over past events. Nonetheless, professional interventions succeed far more often (defined as the subject agreeing to get help) than do family-organised interventions.Unless the family reads the same guidelines (such as Debra and Jeff Jay's book Love First), abides by the “rules” and rehearses the intervention, their chances are less than average. A failed intervention may lead to a serious rupture in family relations, including blaming family members for their part in the “failure”, when it was quite noble to try in the first place.

Q: Will an addict get the help he needs from a psychiatrist?A: It depends. There are two main factors involved. One is the fact that addicts will often lie to the psychiatrist if the addict is there for reasons other than having an honest desire to get clean. The active addict is an expert liar and has (he thinks) fooled everyone so far, and now he just wants some Xanax. The second factor is that the psychiatrist may not be an addictionologist, i.e., trained in addictive disorder, and therefore is not able to discern the truth or otherwise help the addict, even when the addict tells it all.Many other symptoms disguise addiction: depression, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) are the main symptoms and are therefore treated accordingly, without an understanding of the true causes.

Q: How knowledgeable are physicians about alcoholism and drug addiction?A: On average, not very. The fact is that fewer than 25% of physicians are given any course work in medical school on alcoholism and addiction. Recognition of this failure in light of the overdose crisis in the US which has now claimed over 108,000 lives in 2023 led to the Medication Access and Training act of 2022 (MATE). It requires physicians and other health care professionals who prescribe controlled substances to complete a one-time-only eight hours of training on the treatment and management of patients with substance use disorders.Had more doctors been aware of the dangers of potential overdose sooner, many thousands of lives might have been saved.

Q: Why do some people hate AA?A: It mostly comes down to the idea of a “higher power”, frequently expressed as “God, as we understand him”. The co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson, was closely related to a Christian evangelical group during the 1930's known as the “Oxford Group”. From their teachings stemmed the idea of a “higher power” which became a central thesis in the 12 Steps of AA. While there is no obligation to believe in a higher power, many who reject AA do so because they claim to be atheists, or believe that AA is a religious program, when AA explicitly states that it is a spiritual program instead. The confusion between the two continues to work against membership in AA for some who would otherwise greatly benefit, by belonging.

Q: How important is AA?A: Alcoholics Anonymous is the world's largest support group with 115,000 chapters worldwide and an estimated membership of over two million. Moreover, it is endorsed by the National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA) as an accepted evidence-based behavioural therapy. It carries much weight among many practitioners and treatment centres and is often recommended by therapists to help alcoholics take the next step in their recovery following front-line treatment.AA is the pioneer of 12-step programs all over the world. From it stem over 30 other 12-step programs, including Al-Anon, a support group for families, Narcotics Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous and 26 other programs dedicated to helping people overcome addictive disorders of one kind or another.

Q: Is Alcoholics Anonymous, aka AA, a proven recovery method?A: The scientific evidence, based on research conducted by the Recovery Research Institute at Massachusetts General Hospital, an affiliate of Harvard Medical School, emphatically proves that it is a cost-effective, evidence-based treatment that stands the test of time. AA is made effective by its members' active involvement in their own recovery, by the lack of rigid rules (contrary to popular belief), and by the fact that there are no dues or fees for AA membership.  Furthermore, an AA-based recovery program performed even better on longer-term sobriety measures than other alternative programs.

In this podcast, we discuss the Four Agreements, a Buddhist-inspired way of thinking that can readily apply to anyone who aspires to live a spiritual life, free of the self-imposed burdens of addiction or alcoholism.We discuss the Four Agreements as follows:The First agreement: Be impeccable with your words.Second agreement: Don't take anything personally.Third agreement: Don't make assumptions.Fourth agreement: Always do your best.

In this podcast, we discuss the power of toxic shame and its effect on the children in the family, including an addict or alcoholic.We learn that:Shame is known as a master emotion, overpowering ordinary, healthy feelings such as sadness or joy.Toxic shame is a debilitating feeling of worthlessness and self-loathing that can last a lifetime.There are multiple causes of it, mostly inflicted by parents onto their children.People who experience toxic shame often have difficulty knowing what they are truly feeling and require help in identifying and expressing what they feel.

In this podcast, we discuss the power of living in the now, of living in the moment as a means of attaining peace of mind for anyone living with the stress of an addict or alcoholic in the family.We discuss the following:Think about this day as the most important day of your life.Realise that a wandering mind is essentially an unhappy mind.Ancient traditions that taught mindfulness were on to something.Mindfulness training greatly reduces the stress response.

In this podcast, we discuss the ripple effect of addiction on the family.We discuss the following:Hitting bottom is a family affair.Everything is not just fine.Addiction is not a choice.Detachment and inaction are two different things.

In this podcast, we continue to explode the myths surrounding addiction.Example myths include:The shame and social disapproval associated with addiction.Stereotypes that perpetuate the myth.Addiction only happens to certain kinds of people. Addiction is a choice. Kids should just say NO.

In this podcast, we do a quick Q&A on the myths of addiction and address other questions posed by our readers and listeners.These questions revolve around:The myth that addiction is a question of moral character.Why some people refuse to get help.Whether treatment works.Why people think that AA is a cult.

This podcast, is a story about a man named Tim and it demonstrates the power of perseverance.We learn that:Tim overcame a suicide attempt on the eve of his admission of powerlessness over his addiction.He saw his Stage 4 cancer lifted by the miracle of modern medicine, and his own determination to heal.Although he was high school dropout, he went on to earn a Master's degree at the age of 62.Tim's adversity has served to strengthened him and inspire others in ways he never imagined.

In this podcast, we discuss the deadly consequences of addiction and alcoholism:We learn that:Alcoholism and addiction are incurable and progressive, and often fatal if ignored.There is a serious undercounting of the societal costs in life and injury due to alcoholism, while there is better data on drug abuse effects.It is rare that an alcoholic or addict can successfully get and stay clean and sober on his or her own willpower alone. He or she needs to ask for and receive help from others committed to a recovery program.

In this podcast, we discuss new ways of thinking and behavior that help with moving the alcoholic/addict toward treatment.We learn that:Family members need to unlearn their conditioned way of reacting to their beloved alcoholic or addict.The new way asks the family member to take a softer approach which will disarm the conflict.The approach is called CRAFT – Community Reinforcement and Family Training which has seen a high success rate when it's followed through.It's recommended that attending Al-Anon meetings become part of the process toward intervention and recovery.

In this podcast, we discuss the impossibility of escaping the here and now.We learn that:1. It's common for people to be constantly thinking about something other than the reality of the present.2. There is a huge difference between planning for the future and living there. 3. There is ultimately much joy in living in the moment regardless of a person's circumstances, but it takes commitment and practice.

In this podcast, we examine why the truth is so elusive for family members of alcoholics and addicts.We discuss how people who have an addict or alcoholic in the family:1.   Deny the very existence of the disease.2.   Become too ashamed to admit the truth to themselves.3.   Ultimately need to confront the truth in order to heal.

You've probably heard the term “enabler”. It's one that's often charged with judgment and stigma. That's because one feels accused of aiding and abetting addictive behaviour and it doesn't feel at all fair because you do what you do out of love. More than a role, enabling is a dynamic that arises in specific scenarios. People who engage in enabling behaviour behaviours aren't the “bad guy”, but their actions have the potential to promote and support unhealthy behaviours in others.In many cases, enabling begins as an effort to support a loved one who may be having a hard time with life at the moment.If you think about it, it would be hard to find a person who is completely aware that they are engaging in enabling behaviour and go ahead and do it anyway.Enabling behaviour is the invisible ally of the addiction. Denial, minimising, excusing, explaining, covering are well-intentioned or unconscious.But it is mis-guided because it simply feeds and prolongs the unhealthy behaviour.

Love has this wonderful ripple effect, emanating its warmth and power from you to your family and well beyond, and it seems miraculous in its infinite ability to heal.Think for a moment about unconditional love: loving someone regardless of what they look like, what they do for a living, how much money they have, or whether or not they are doing what you want or expect them to do.This kind of total love - the unconditional kind – is put to a severe test when it comes to loving someone who is a substance abuser. When you think about it, it's almost impossible to invoke unconditional love when the abuser abuses not only drugs, but also causes needless pain and worry on the entire family. They, not the addict, bear the consequences.There is no use in trying to leverage love, as in: “If you loved me, you wouldn't be doing this.” Addiction cares only to feed itself. Love has no influence over it.We often tell parents of addicts that even though their actions were often based on love; even though they thought they were doing the right things, their actions were well-intended, but they were misguided.They were acting on the illusion that they had some control over the trajectory of their loved one's disease while also not recognising that protecting their loved one from the worst consequences was simply feeding the addiction.It was the highest form of enabling: feeding the addiction by providing shelter, food, money and the freedom to come and go. With zero consequences. 

When you are talking to a full-blown alcoholic or addict or one who is both - and the list of cross-addicted people is growing – you might not be too surprised to learn that they speak an entirely different language than you do.An example: an addict is confronted by his mum who says that he has a big problem. The addict doesn't hear that. He thinks to himself that his mum is the problem because she stands in the way of him getting more dope.When an addict or alcoholic does something that is reasonable, don't get your hopes up. It's more likely than not to be a coincidence, for every once in a while, he does make a good decision. Every once in a while, he has a good day.After I sobered up, I used to say: “When I was drinking, every once in a while, I had a good day. Now that I'm sober, every once in a while, I have a bad day. Not that I drink over it, either.”The brains of alcoholics and addicts, when they get to that stage, have changed and will never entirely be the same.

A well-known actress, comedienne and TV producer was once asked what made the essential difference in her highly successful life. For those old enough to remember Lucille Ball, she answered as follows: “All my young life, I was told I was a no-good show-off. My self-esteem hovered just above zero, until I was told by a good friend that my first job was to learn to love myself first and everything else would follow.I had to overcome the toxic shame that was imposed upon me by others and learn that I was a person who was lovable by others and above all, by me myself.I had to care for myself as If I were caring for my dearest friend. Then when I showed myself the same love that I would show my dearest friend, I was filled with Love and became able to love others, to trust them, to give of myself with no thought of return. My love became unconditional. So, no matter what, I could love you even though I might find what you did was terrible. “So that's the problem with those who love an addict or alcoholic. They, the caregivers, have developed self-hatred because of their inability to control or “fix” their addicted loved one.They have yet to appreciate the value of self-compassion, perhaps have lost their own identity in the co-dependency of the relationship, so there is no one there to love.Addiction is known as a family disease because addictive disorder causes addictive behaviour on the part of everyone in the family.

It's never too late to act, whether your loved one is now at the stage where an intervention is necessary, or you have a younger child who might fall prey to an addictive disorder and want to keep that kid safe. But you are not sure how.Shatterproof is an organisation 100% dedicated to preventing addiction, providing greater access to treatment, and educating the public and public officials on the nature of addiction.One of their initiatives is called “Building Youth Resiliency”. The purpose of the program is stated as: “Parents and communities can help young people develop the self-esteem and decision-making skills needed to avoid substance use.”They created a resource kit called “A Parents Guide to Raising Resilient Kids” and in its 36 panels, it contains some sterling advice for parents who rightfully fear the risk of their beautiful child falling prey to drug use.The evidence is overwhelming that kids as young as ten are exposed to and experiment with street drugs.These days, with deadly fentanyl on the loose on the street, in your local coffee shop or at the convenience store, parents must be vigilant yet give their children the freedom they deserve to grow without undue restrictions. They need to raise kids who are resilient. 

A friend said to me the other day that she feels like everything we do is becoming pathological. We eat a lot, so we're a candidate for Overeaters Anonymous. We have sex with more than one person, we should join Sex Addicts Anonymous. We got drunk, so we should join AA.If I choose to call an addiction “repetitive behaviour that causes you and those affected by your behaviour major harm, and you can't stop even when you want to”, then maybe you have an addiction.This was hardly a scientific definition, of course.Using it as an informal standard, think of the many things besides drugs and alcohol that we know people are addicted to.

There is still little understanding of the power of the substance fentanyl.Let's start with some inconvenient facts. Drug overdoses claim more lives than breast cancer, gun violence or car accidents. Combined. They are the #1 cause of accidental death in the United States. According to the CDC, there were over 109,000 fatal overdoses in the 12-month period ending March 2022 (the latest data available).Overdose deaths were fuelled by the rapid increase in the availability and low cost of synthetic opioids, especially fentanyl.It's now sprinkled into almost any illegal drug to give it a bigger kick, and that's so that you the addict will go back to your dealer and say: “Hey that was some good …I'll have more of that.”Fentanyl is consumed straight up as in snorted, injected, or smoked with marijuana, mixed into meth, snorted with cocaine, consumed as part of a heroin injection and so on. Users often don't know that they're also using it as part of a recipe for their drug of choice.Since it is 50 to 100 times more powerful than heroin for its weight, it's easy to overdose if you're only off by a little bit.Thank goodness that naloxone, also known as Narcan, is now widely available to help those who have overdosed but are still alive to instantly reverse fentanyl's effects. Multiple naloxone doses might be necessary because of fentanyl's potency.

Very recently, my ex-fiancé called me in a panic and sobbed that her son, my stepson really, was a raging addict and she didn't know what to do. He and his wife have a two-year-old son who deserves better, while my stepson – let's call him Jimmy – is snorting and smoking and injecting who knows what. He's applied for a medical discharge due to joint disabilities, and it is apparent that he got addicted to pain killers coming out of his knee surgery.So, my ex wants me to “talk to him and get him to go and get some help”. You must be kidding. First, I'm 9,000 miles away and he is defiantly rejecting any help. I said to my lovely ex: “You have two big problems; one he doesn't want to go into treatment, and second, you haven't set up a treatment centre that will take him. In other words, you (mum, sister, wife) are all running around feeling sorry for yourselves and expect me to save the kid. You have no plan. We have no plan. And you're acting as crazy as he is right now.What we need at the very least is an intervention, either a well-planned family intervention where everybody reads the intervention book and/or we hire a professional interventionist.”“Are you prepared to give him the choice of treatment or the street? As in: “You don't get to see your son if you choose to continue to use and not get treatment”?Because now they continue to enable his addiction to flourish. They are feeding it. Housing it. Paying for it (he's stealing the money or dealing in the drug). This is how they love and care for him. I see this all the time.Addiction just sucks any of the positive, creative, life-giving oxygen right out of the family because now “they” are all worried about the addict when they are better off worrying about themselves and what the addiction has done to their family.

It can happen at any time. The bell might ring, the alarm might sound, the light might flash any time of day or night. We might be half asleep or we might have our shoulder to the wheel, pushing with all our might.Awakenings happen all the time, to people all over this earth. For the purposes of this discussion, awakenings are of two types. The Dad says: “Oh my God, my son is an alcoholic.” Or the addict says: “I think I am powerless over drugs and alcohol and that my life has become unmanageable.”In either case, one hopes that upon awakening, the Dad or the addict will seek the help he needs to take him to the next step, and that is the realisation that the admission of powerlessness is the first step in regaining any power whatsoever over a powerful disease.During our addiction (I speak from experience), even though we might have experienced some good times, a vague and persistent nagging within our deepest selves continued to bear witness that all was not well. In fact, it was, at times, hell itself. Then we would get sober or clean for a little while and we could pretend awhile longer. Until we couldn't.

You would be amazed at the negative self-talk I hear when the family of a drug abuser or alcoholic starts answering pointed questions.“Do you feel as if “this” is your fault?” Most say that they feel at least partly to blame “if only…” which suggests that they believed that they had any control over the trajectory of the disease, that if they had done “something” they might have saved their precious son.Little did they know then that addiction is so slick, their son might have been a drug abuser for years before he could hide it no longer.Denial is such a powerful force that both the addict and the family are in the same fog until a bright light shines into it and exposes the truth for what it is. Addiction as a family disease.One common element is that of self-loathing. The “parents” hate themselves and feel shame that their child is now labelled an addict, and that comes from ignorance that addiction is “just” a disease and not a moral failing. The addict is tortured by feelings of low self-worth and shame that he has fallen down the social ladder, often because he's no longer employed or employable.Friends his age now have a career and families going while he skulks about looking for his next hit.While he suffers from depression and OCD – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, his family suffers from guilt and shame and cannot imagine being nice to themselves, never mind each other.This is where self-love comes in. Just when it is needed the most. This is where persistent self-compassion comes in. It is to be found in a community of like-minded people, usually, in a fellowship like Al-Anon where people are taught to start loving themselves again after they have imposed brutal punishment upon themselves for not being able to fix their loved one. As if they could.

Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life.In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home.Signs of a sick relationshipI highly recommend the book by Melodie Beatty called Co-dependent No More which she has updated to reflect her experiences in the field over the last twenty-plus years.Some of my views are shaped by her teaching and many more come from my experiences with addicts, alcoholics and their families.When things at home have become really bad, when the addiction runs through the house like a freight train, the family cocoons itself out of self-protection. What I mean by this is the individual members adopt an attitude which is called "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" as a means of numbing themselves against the insanity and horror happening at home.Even when things have not yet become desperately bad, family members exhibit secrecy, resentment, erratic and hurtful behaviour, blaming, and active denial. All the relationships in the family, including the relationships between spouses or between a parent and child, become poisoned by the disease.The issue here is one of awareness. If the family members (or at least one of them) are not aware that they are in the grip of the family disease called addiction and/or alcoholism, then they will spiral down to an eventual breakdown or breakup. Unfortunately, denial steps in to perpetuate the disease, to keep the family in the dark.That is how this thing works. Sick relationships are just symptoms of a much deeper problem. Without realising it, the family slowly but surely comes under the influence of the disorder, because the disease wants nothing more than to feed and sustain itself and cares not at all about who it hurts.In that case, even love itself is powerless unless and until someone in the family wakes up and realises that help from outside is desperately needed.

Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life.In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home.You can't will this awayOur Western culture has us believing that we are the masters of our own fate and that we are the captains of our individual souls. The underlying idea here is that the "will to win" can power us past any obstacle, any barrier, any circumstance that keeps us from achieving some sort of victory.We make heroes of those who have "conquered the odds", and indeed there are many who serve as examples of extraordinary efforts leading to extraordinary results. We are mindful of the fact that for every champion, there are countless others who never even come close. They, too, however, are deserving of praise just for doing their very best in trying to win, powered by the will to win.We all agree that no one can predict the things that are out of our control: a world-champion racing car driver dies in a horrible accident, a famous actor dies of AIDS, a politician dies of brain cancer. We do accept that we cannot predict the unpredictable.That said, our culture has great difficulty, however, accepting the concept of powerlessness. When we are faced with the statement contained in the first of the twelve steps of AA that states "we were powerless over alcohol...,” we reject any idea that suggests we have no power.No power whatsoever is a bitter pill to swallow for those of us who believe that we have power over this thing we call addiction. We have no power over someone else's addiction or alcoholism, and this is the important thing to remember if you are not the one with the addiction.The bitter pill of powerlessness, ironically, is the key to the door of ultimate freedom. We never thought that the key to victory was surrender. Once we accept the reality of powerlessness, we are liberated from our old, erroneous way of thinking.The illusion that we could, will this away on our own had to be smashed. The lucky ones, the ones who have awakened, come to understand that it is only when we surrender our own self-will that we can get onto the path that leads us to healing.

Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life.In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home.No one is immuneNo one in the family is immune from the effects of addiction or alcoholism when the disorder appears and lives inside one of the family members. That is why the professionals in the space call addiction or alcoholism (often it's both) a family disease. Why is that so?First, the family suffers from a lack of education about the disease, so family members become unwitting players in a psychodrama written and directed by the addict/alcoholic, or more accurately, by the disease itself.What does the addiction want? Above and beyond anything, it wants to be fed so that it can sustain itself and grow. And grow it will, for it is a voracious beast that needs more and more of the substance by which it is nourished.We know very well that addicts need ever-increasing amounts of whatever substances they are addicted to, to get high, and they seek new substances and combinations thereof to get to the elusive nirvana they are chasing.I know for myself that I needed a 12-pack of beer before I could begin to feel anything going on, and so the same can be true of us drinkers as well. To tell the truth, beer was my gateway drug to marijuana, so there goes the "marijuana is the gateway" theory.All of the above is going on in the family without the "sober" members realising it, and they have started to "dance with the devil", as I often put it. They resort to trying to control the addict's use, lie to protect their job, dispose of the drugs, angrily confront them, resent them when they do not behave, blame them or others for the way it is now; they fear for the future and for the welfare of their loved one.What is happening? The family has caught the disease and is now acting in irrational ways to try to control what they are powerless over.That is what we mean when we say that no one in the family is immune to the disease. It will continue to ravage the family until and unless someone who has had quite enough cries out for help. Only then can the healing begin.

Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life.In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home.I'm only OK if you're OKLet's stretch this concept just a little further. Let's say: "The mum is Ok only when her addict son is OK".The addict's desires begin to rule the family. That's because it has already started to become dysfunctional as a result of addictive disorder living under the same roof.Because the co-dependent (the mum) is unconscious of her own true needs, the one time she feels OK is when she thinks her son is OK with his life and OK with her. She puts her loved one's happiness above hers at all times, leaving zero room for her own needs or anything that will give her joy or pleasure.She feels depressed and extremely anxious when her son faces a challenge and is compelled to assist him in solving that problem. She takes ownership of every problem he encounters.She is compelled to offer a rapid-fire series of suggestions, even tries to change her loved one's beliefs, and feels very angry when her advice is not followed or proves unsuccessful.She finds herself saying "yes" when she really thinks she should say "no" because the thing she fears the most is the disapproval of her son. In reality, that puts the addict in charge. Imagine a sick, self-centred addict being in charge of anything, let alone what his mother does. Chances are, he's talked his mother into doing something that will enable his addiction to grow and flourish.Co-dependents exhibit all sorts of attitudes that are self-defeating. They reject praise or compliments. They believe they are not good enough. They believe that they can't do anything right and are fearful of making errors and feel guilty much of the time.They attempt to help others live their lives as opposed to paying attention to their own well-being. They have a poor sense of boundaries and think nothing of pushing unwanted advice without being asked for it. And yet, what others think of them is paramount.That's why the co-dependent mum rarely says "no". In the rare event that his mum does say "no", he will make her feel guilty. He connives to make her relent, and if she does say "yes", he will now "love" his mother, and she'll feel OK because he is now OK with her.