Pop Star Movie Club

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing, and there are one thousand planets in 'Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets', starring Rihanna as a shapeshifting stripper. Join Samuel Spencer and Sam Cleal as they unpick this weird sci-fi film in your favorite new podcast about bad movies starring pop stars.

The bad movie podcast about films featuring pop stars gets into downward dog and gets into the groove as Samuel Spencer and Sam Cleal Madonna tour documentary 'I'm Going to Tell You A Secret', AKA peak-yoga-and-English-accent Madonna. We answer all your burning questions about the film? Will Madonna's trip to Israel bring peace to the middle east? Why does Guy Ritchie like sea shanties so much? How much does Madonna have to pay people to listen to her poetry? We find out with lots of jokes and weird tangents along the way.

Documentary December continues as we talk about the One Direction Documentary 'This is Us', starring Baby Direction, Sporty Direction, Scary Direction, Posh Direction and Ginger Direction. Or Harry, Louis, Liam, Niall and Zayn if you're going to be like that about it. Samuel Spencer and Sam Cleal guide you through this circle jerk of a doc in a hilarious, sassy podcast.

Spencer: Five Foot Eleven and Cleal: Six Foot Four talk Netflix's new Lady Gaga documentary Gaga: Five Foot Two. Will it deserve Applause, or will it be a Bad Romance? Find out in this hilarious podcast.

Take your gun out of your stomach vagina and get ready to embrace the new flesh as we talk Blondie lead singer Debbie Harry playing a masochistic vixen in video nasty Videodrome.

Ready for some bad David Bowie impressions? Then check out this week's episode about 'Labyrinth'. Your hosts Samuel Spencer and Sam Cleal answer all the big questions: why is David Bowie wearing a Mel & Kim wig? Would you sacrifice a baby to sleep with him, or just put it up for adoption? Did Jennifer Connolly become a star just because she had the same eyebrows as Madonna? All this and more will be revealed. Labyrinth was directed by Franz Oz, and stars David Bowie, Jennifer Connolly and the Dulux Dog.

Whitney Houston may always love you, but we hated this week's film, the Bodyguard. Find out why in our latest episode, where Samuel Spencer and Sam Cleal also discuss why Kevin Costner is the corrugated cardboard of people, why Arnold Schwarzenegger would have been great casting, and how this film is secretly a Jungle Book origins story. The Bodyguard was directed by Mick Jackson and stars Whitney Houston, Kevin Costner, Gary Kemp and, for some reason, Debbie Reynolds.

Hee-haw!! Nestle into Dolly's massive weave and hear tales of soapy titwanks, elaborate costume numbers and tax evasion. It's our first ever Dolly Parton episode and this one was hilarious! We love Dolly and she delivers in this ridiculous - and slightly over-accoladed - 1982 musical drama. Directed by Colin Higgins.

Snoop Dogg playing the messenger of the devil....what's not to love?! Samuel Spencer and Sam Cleal find out as they watch 'Hood of Horror', a scary anthology movie starring the Doggfather himself.

Everyone's favourite second-favourite member of Destiny's Child takes on Freddy Krueger and Jason Vorhees as we look into 2003's Freddy Vs. Jason, starring Kelly Rowland. Will she make it to the end of this terrible horror film, or will her life be stole? Samuel Spencer and Sam Cleal find out. Freddy Vs. Jason was directed by Ronny Yu and stars Robert Englund, Ken Kirzinger, Monica Keena, Kelly Rowland, Jason Ritter and Brendan Fletcher

Our hosts Samuel Spencer and Sam Cleal punish themselves some more with even more R. Kelly. This time, it's episodes 12 to 23 of Trapped in the Closet, and it's terrible. Listen as we get woke, sing Wuthering Heights to the TitC tune and generally crack jokes. 'Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 12-23' were directed by R. Kelly and Jim Swaffield and star R. Kelly, Cat Wilson, Rolando A. Boyce, LeShay Tomlinson, Malik Middleton, Eric Lane and Michael K Williams.

We begin our new season with part one of our look at "the Bleak House of rap operas," R. Kelly's indescribable viral smash 'Trapped in the Closet'. Your hosts Samuel Spencer and Sam Cleal answer all your questions. Who's cheating with who? Why is the green screen so piss-poor? What the hell is Omar from The Wire doing in this? 'Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 1-11' were directed by R. Kelly and Jim Swaffield and star R. Kelly, Cat Wilson, Rolando A. Boyce, LeShay Tomlinson, Malik Middleton, Eric Lane and Michael K Williams.

Dear audience, We're very sorry for the delay in getting you this - the final episode of Pop Star Movie Club season 1. And with this we announce our hiatus will continue until later this year when we return with season 2! In the meantime, enjoy this glorious bundle of absolutely shocking garbage: Moonwalker, the Michael Jackson anthology film. Vocal ticks abound as we explore MJ's resemblance to Taz, imagine what Mother Teresa's rap career would look like and question why on earth their are so many kids in this when there really shouldn't have been. Moonwalker was directed by Jerry Kramer, Will Vinton, Jim Blashfield and Colin Chilvers and stars Michael Jackson, Sean Lennon and Joe Pesci. Follow us on Twitter to keep up with all the podcast news @psmcpodcast

Samuel Spencer and Sam Cleal talk Prince's 1984 musical, which is definitely not as good as you remember it. We talk about Prince's terrible acting, mishearing one of the songs as 'Sex Shitter', and why you should never do 'who's on first' while high on cocaine. Purple Rain is directed by Albert Magnoli and stars Prince, Appalonia Kotero and Morris Day.

In our latest episode we discuss Beyonce in 2009 film 'Obsessed'. Unlikely castings for 'Sharon' and 'Derek', Beyonce and Idris Elba are stalked by Ali Larter (AKA Lisa Bytheway AKA Lisa Townhouse AKA The Panini-Sneezer). Cue discussions about ludicrous colour-grading, Beyonce's bad diction and the best euphemisms for a period. All with SPECIAL GUEST CHLOE MOSS!

It's a slog in this week's ridiculous episode to figure out exactly why Sonny & Cher would agree to be in a terrible episode of Scooby Doo?! Join us as we guess what Fred's orange handkerchief signifies in the handkerchief code, imagine what it would be like if Shaggy realised Scooby was possessed, and discuss the Jinkies epidemic - the super-gonorrhea of the Scooby Too universe!

Seriously, what is this bizarre Beatles film? Samuel Spencer and Sam Cleal try to work it out as they watch John, Paul, George and Ringo in 'Magical Mystery Tour', the weirdest thing ever to be shown on Boxing Day on BBC2.

We discuss the Backstreet Boys as they become animals and join the kids of Arthur for a musical extravaganza. We also talk about DW's Breaking Bad-style trading card cartel, speculate about what animals everyone is, and desperately try to get Ovaltine to sponsor us.

This week we're a SLLLLAAAAAAVVVVVEEEEE to Grace Jones as a vampire stripper in Vamp, directed by Richard Wenk in 1986. Starring Grace Jones in a Ronald MacDonald wig (with possibly magnetic bra), a Laura Dern knock-off and two Ferris Bueller rejects. We talk about the why you should never trust a club you're not allowed to take garlic to, why 'norks' is such a great word, and how to defeat a vampire with just an arched eyebrow.

For the second episode of our 'Pop Star TV Club' spin-off, we get a little (second-hand!) stoned and talk episode 14 of series 12 of The Simpsons; a legendary episode featuring NSYNC and subliminal navy propaganda in the form of catchy boyband tunes. Word. Find out how Samantha Mumba sounds backwards and why EVERYBODY looks like a dishcloth in comparison to Jane Fonda.

If you love the dulcet tones of Sam Cleal and the shrieking intensity of Samuel Spencer, fear not: today it's the BEEEEEST OF BOTH WORLDS. We go south [wink] to visit Crowley Meadows, birthplace of the legendary, the incomparable Hannah Montana in the Hannah Montana Movie. What is a Tennessee kiss, how many ostrich cutaways is too many, is Miley in possession of a magical transformative wig, and when will Billy Ray Cyrus just fuck off? All questions are answered in our latest ep. Shaggy-bombastic!

For the first episode of our 'Pop Star TV Club' spin-off, Sam Cleal and Samuel Spencer talk about episode 1 of Gwen Stefani's racially questionable TV series 'Kuu Kuu Harajuku', featuring the world's catchiest theme song, a hamster elevator, and other visuals guaranteed to give you migraines. Basically, the shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S

After a hiatus, Pop Star Movie Club is back with a film chosen by our listeners....STREET FIGHTER, a video game adaptation starring a second wave Kylie, some very weird line readings from Jean Claude Van Damme, and a monster that's a cross between Chucky from Rugrats and the Incredible Hulk. We also invent a knock-off Disneyland called Disneeland, speculate about exchange rates in Shadaloo, and write new lyrics for the Tracey Beaker theme tune.

It's Samuel Spencer's 24th birthday and we're celebrating in the only way we know how - with an annual screening of Spice World (1997). Let us guide you through this most hallowed of pop star movies, featuring the iconic Spice Girls in over 5 concurrent meandering plot lines complete with tit-grabbing, infanticide, a Japanese revenge ghost and more bear noises than you can shake a 12 inch black double-ender at. Plus, we're joined by Oliver Hunt and Mrs Samuel Spencer - Ramon Romano. Hai si ja, hold tight.

'Ease on down the road' with us as we discuss the 1978 Motown remake of 'The Wizard of Oz' starring Diana Ross, Michael Jackson, a lion made out of thrift store fur coats, and a tin man with a bassoon for genitals...

This week we're putting our peg on E9 as we make fun of Battleship, the board game adaptation starring Liam Neeson, Alexander Skarsgard, and Rihanna. We also discuss what other pop star/board game combos we'd love to see, the pleasures of seeing Rhi Rhi with a selection of large weapons, and what Liam Neeson would sound like singing 'Witch Doctor'.

Elvis has left the building and come to the Pop Star Movie Club as we discuss one of the first films ever to feature a pop star. It's 1957's 'Jailhouse Rock', which stars Presley as a rock and rolling manslaghterer. Join us as we ask why Elvis has no nipples, whether Justin Bieber could star in this film, and why this film is not called 'Music Business Accountancy Rock'.

We're back for our Christmas break with a guest, the hilarious Chloe Moss. We're talking Katy Perry's divorce documentary 'Part of Me', and the results are a little bit rough and a little bit smooth. We explore the tragic history of Katy Perry, discuss how this film should be called 'Katy Perry: Rumspringa Never Ends', stand in awe of the best bubble in film history, and confuse Tina Turner and Noam Chomsky. A lot.

We take a journey into the Amazon with Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson and Jon Voight and watch 1997's Anaconda. We also write anaconda haikus, attend a snake funeral, and wonder if the snake is a metaphor for capitalism.

Our two white suburban hosts explore the life, loves, and totally blank expression of 50 Cent in 'Get Rich or Die Tryin'', the rapper's biopic, acting debut, and blatant rip-off of '8 Mile'. Starring Terrence Howard as a steampunk train driver (probably) and Viola Davis in one of Hollywood's worst wigs, it's a truly terrible film. Listen to us barely get through it by inventing a cartoon mascot for 50 Cent, marvelling at one of cinema's largest dicks, and trying to remember the words to 'We Didn't Start the Fire'.

This week we're going on a road trip with Barbra Streisand and Seth Rogen in 'The Guilt Trip', a film that might be a lighthearted odd couple comedy, or maybe a Psycho prequel, full of unintentional oedipal desires and psychosexual tension. Listen as we discuss Barbra Streisand eating a gigantic steak, Seth Rogan drinking drain cleaner, and say the word 'tulle' a lot.

This week PSMC watch Cher playing a lesbian exposed to nuclear waste in Silkwood, a film that features the killer comedy combination of metallurgy, torture, and in-depth union politics. We also answer all your burning questions; what would Cher sound like pleasuring herself? What would Erin Brockovich be like if she lived in medieval times? Is there any prop Meryl Streep will not fiddle with during a scene? All this and more will be discussed about Silkwood, released in 1983, directed by Mike Nichols and starring Cher, Meryl Streep and Kurt Russell

Our hosts wonder 'what ever happened to Samantha Mumba?' as they watch 2002's 'The Time Machine', also starring Guy Pearce, Jeremy Irons, and his ridiculously shiny wig. They also discover a future civilisation that is definitely Trump's America, a film that may have been directed by Steven Spielberg on the DL, a race of mysteriously Irish people living in a year 800,000 New York, and fight the evil of The Hand that Has Broken Free from the Confines of Space and Time.

Our hosts watch their first movie by Madonna, the patron saint of bad pop star movies, and enter a world of rubber faces, AL PACINO SHOUTING, and Dustin Hoffman's best work as an actor. They also answer all the big questions; was Warren Beatty a sadistic lover? When do we eat? And most importantly of all, dick, Tracy? 'Dick Tracy' was directed by Warren Beatty, stars Warren Beatty, Madonna, Al Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, Paul Sorvino, and Dick Van Dyke, and was released in 1990.

In our first episode, our hosts discuss the 2003 clone comedy 'Seeing Double', starring S Club (and Gareth Gates). Who is Tough Sirloin? What is a sex toy doing in a kid's film? How few songs can a pop music movie feature? We answer all these questions and more. Seeing Double stars Tina, John, Hannah, Rachel, Bradley and Jo, as well as David Gant, Joseph Adams, Cristina Piage, Meritxell Santamaria and Gareth Gates, and was directed by Nigel Dick