Crafting Solutions to Conflict

Many conversations over time, with no thought of them ever being “completed” contribute to connection.  The repeated touch points keep us linked.  When we are connected, we create and cultivate a foundation. We create a common ground of shared experience. None of this is to say that we will experience a mind meld. We may hold different views that are difficult to reconcile. Disagreements are a part of life.  But when I know more about you, even little things, I know you better. I know where your sore spots are. I will be better equipped to keep the friction down if I know you. I can learn to say things in a way less likely to set you off. And, of course, all of this applies in the reverse. If you know me better through those continuing exchanges, even if brief, you will be able to avoid unnecessary friction.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Steve Legler joins me for a return visit. Steve was an early guest, in Episode 32 back on August 7, 2019. Today we talk about the value of moving away from the concept of one big, multi-hour conversation on an important topic toward ongoing bite-sized conversations.I appreciate Steve's work and value his friendship. As you will hear, Steve was kind enough to be willing to record this episode when my voice wasn't at its best. You can learn more about Steve's work and sign up for the blogs and newsletter that I enjoy here: https://stevelegler.com/. You can find Steve on LinkedIn here:https://www.linkedin.com/in/steve-legler-mba-fea-cpcc-259065a/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  

We may be well aware that an unpleasant conflict is brewing – perhaps simmering but not yet exploding.  We can dread an explosion. Or an explosion may have occurred. We can dread what comes next.  Dread won't help us. Anticipation will.Anticipating by being as ready as we can be. Then, knowing that, facing whatever comes with as much calm and confidence as we can muster.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  

One of my favorite new words is, of all things, disrespect, used as a verb. It's not the same as a mere lack of respect. It's more intense, more direct, and  … more offensive. We can feel disrespected when that wasn't the intention. Especially now when so much of life can seem fraught, we can jump to feeling disrespected in a heartbeat. Plus the reverse: we can look, speak, write, and behave in a way that radiates disrespect. We can slow down and not leap to conclusions about someone else's intent.  Also, we need to pay close attention to the messages we send. And keep the dis out of disagreement.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

You can learn more about Kristen and her company on the company website: https://www.inthreegenerations.com/ You can also find them on LinkedIn and Instagram.  Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

Last time, I talked about how each of us can find different methods for calming our own emotions. I have talked before about thinking through how to support the other person engaged with you in a challenging conversation to be their best self. Just like you, -- it's true for all of us – they will be better able to analyze the situation and to make better decisions when they are calm.So, what do you do about it? What you don't do is tell them to be calm. More likely to irritate than soothe.  What do you do?First, be sensitive to the idea that they may have their own practices for calming themselves.Next, be open to accommodating their calming practices as much as you are able. Not only can that willingness help them in that moment to better engage with you, that gesture can help the relationship itself. And the stronger the relationship, the more commitment people can have to handling inevitable disagreements that will pop up in the future.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

I thank Cinnie Noble, who created the CINERGY conflict management model in which I am certified, for sparking this idea. In her most recent talk with certified coaches, Cinnie reminded us about the importance of allowing – and helping – brains to calm down.When emotions are carrying the day, our ability to analyze a situation effectively and to make good decisions is compromised. We are simply not at our best. Conflict often feels like chaos to us. And chaos allows emotions to come to the fore. Calming your emotions when dealing with conflict is more than just a nice idea. It's an essential piece of handling conflict effectively.Next time, a few thoughts about that other person's attempts to find calm in chaos.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Melissa Mitchell-Blitch joins me.  We talk about her book, In the Company of Family: How to Thrive When Business is Personal. Melissa shares some thought-provoking concepts about healthy boundaries that apply to family business relationships and truly any kind of relationship. Ideas about responsibility, hurt vs. harm, and true guilt vs. false guilt. You can learn more about Melissa's work here: https://melissamitchellblitch.com/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

In my latest three solo episodes, I've talked about watching our spoken language, our facial and body language, and our written language. Often, we will have a choice about what mode of communication to pursue. It's worth some careful thought. If we take advantage of the opportunity to carefully craft and review what we write, that's a plus. Sometimes, our tone of voice and our facial and body expressions can soften a blow, express kindness in a way that is harder to do with written language alone. If we know the person receiving the message we are sending, we may know what mode of communication works best for them.You may be familiar with what some call the three-email rule. If the topic can't be resolved and the conversation completed in three messages, it's time to move on to another mode of communication: phone, video, or in-person. Spinning your wheels in frustration is an invitation to conflict that you should decline.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

We can carefully draft a message, set it aside, and then calmly review it to determine whether we like how it reads to someone receiving it. Because that is the point, isn't it? Our own satisfaction with our wordsmithing is far less important than the message received. Written language has a different risk from spoken language: our words can be shared, verbatim, immediately or eventually. Photocopies, scans, forwarded emails, copied texts. A reply to you, including your original message, with a blind cc. Our words can travel far and wide. We need to choose them with care.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Amy Castoro joins me to explore the concept of cordial hypocrisy. What it means and how families can avoid it – including the importance of creating, and cultivating, a family culture of open and honest communication. You can learn more about Amy's work here:  https://www.thewilliamsgroup.org/.  Or you can reach out to Amy's assistant here: joan@thewilliamsgroup.org. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Last time, I talked about spoken language. This time it's body language and facial language. You have likely heard that a very large percentage of our communication is not spoken. Some slips are things you know you shouldn't do. Let's focus on what to do about that. Do you know that you are doing it? Try this. When you are talking on the phone with someone who can try your patience, watch yourself in a mirror. Not while driving, please. But look and notice your face, your shoulders, and more.  Are there facial or body actions that you are not really aware of? As with most things, awareness is the first step. If you now know you are doing it, you can work on reining that in.Next, you may be doing something, and you are aware that it might be misinterpreted.If others easily assume that I am miserable about something, they may be guessing wrong about what it is. So what should I do? Name it. Direct and accurate communication to counteract what is indirect and inaccurate.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  

Without much thought, we can use words and phrases that subtly or strongly convey meaning – and do unnecessary harm.  A” blended family” is more positive than a “stepfamily”. “Always” and “never” are words that frequently cause harm (and are often inaccurate). “I” statements can lead to more positive conversations than accusatory ones. Vague words like “you” and “soon” invite trouble. These examples aren't meant to be exhaustive, but to illustrate how we can pay more attention to the words that we use and perhaps avoid some unnecessary bad conflict. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

Emily Bouchard combines her academic learning, professional experience, and personal awareness to serve blended families. We talk about reframing stepfamilies to blended families, ex-partners to former partners, and bonus parents – examples of the importance of careful language and intentional communication to enable families to thrive. And we hear a taste of Emily's work with humans connecting with horses in transformational retreats.Emily mentions her book, Beginner's Guide to Purposeful Prenups. You can learn more about that and her work here: https://emilybouchard.com/Her recent article about the challenge of gray divorce can be found here: https://www.craincurrency.com/family-office-management/gray-divorce-and-remarriage-can-make-things-complicated-family-officeDo you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  

A false start in a conflict situation can appear in different ways. We can create a conflict where none existed or when we make a good faith attempt to resolve a conflict. Of course, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. A concept so fundamental that it was the focus of Episode 11, way back on March 13, 2019.  But if a false start has occurred, remember and take advantage of the fact of the false start – emphasis on “start”. So, let's start over. If you made an honest mistake, try an old-fashioned apology. Explain, if you can, what went wrong.   If the other person refuses to engage with you and says so, consider offering a cooling-off period of some specific duration.  An agreement to try again at a certain time or date. Take a break, a breather, a pause.  If it's just crickets, no response at all, think about a good length for a breather – from your perspective and the other person's, too – and pick it. Take the initiative to try again at the end of that pause.   It's just the start. Too soon to give up. Worth it to try again and do what you can to set up for a better result. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

There is widespread agreement that the phrase comes from a military engagement, though which one is the original is less clear. Fundamentally, what is the cost to take that hill, to hold the high ground. Then weighing it against the advantage. In interpersonal conflict, we can benefit by going through that analysis explicitly and thoughtfully.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

The general idea of Community Mediation is that trained volunteers work on neighbor disputes. The volunteer mediators are impartial. This approach can keep disputes out of court. And that's the most common understanding of it. But community mediation can be much more. First, the individuals in a specific mediated dispute can experience a way to address disagreements and conflict  beyond just hating a neighbor or getting the police involved, in one way or another.  Many settings beyond neighborhoods can benefit. Not just individuals but groups and organizations can engage in mediation. And services beyond mediation can have great value.  The hard part is the funding, at least in part because it can be difficult to put a monetary value on problems solved, relationships improved, and government expenses avoided. You can learn more about Community Mediation through the website of the U.S. based National Association for Community Mediation (NAFCM) https://www.nafcm.org/.     Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Maria Arpa joins me to talk about her journey from a very challenging childhood to a mission to help families, organizations, and communities find effective solutions to problems. Maria is the creator of The Dialogue Road Map, which she uses in her own work. And it is critical to the deep engagement of the social change charity she created, the London-based Centre for Peaceful Solutions.  Learn more about the Centre here: https://centreforpeacefulsolutions.org/ . And about her own professional work here:https://workplacehuddle.com/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

Mediation is a flexible process. What matters is what works for the people involved and the mediator.  That the people in conflict are in control of the outcome. That the mediator is impartial. That the people in conflict are treated equally. And that anything said in confidence to the mediator stays in confidence. Think about mediation creatively and expansively. It's a good fit in many circumstances of conflict. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

I've been diving into helping people handle conflict for many years. Decades now. Early on, more than a few people could get mixed up about mediation and meditation. Fortunately, I haven't seen that kind of mix-up for a long time. But here's a perennial one: mediation and arbitration. Merriam-webster.com has this to say:  arbitration is the hearing and determination of a disputed case by an arbiter.  Or, arbitrator. Mediation is defined as intervention between conflicting parties to promote reconciliation, settlement, or compromise.Fundamentally, mediators do not decide. Do not judge. Do not impose solutions.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  

Janet Ettele joins me to talk about her new book, How Joyous Effort Works. It's the fourth in her How Life Works series.  Through her books, Janet presents an accessible introduction to Buddhist principles, using the timeless power of story. You can learn more about Janet's work, including her books, here: https://janetettele.com/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Here are three short episodes that were particular favorites this year.“The problem with perceptions” June 5, 2024 4:46https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/podcast/episode-283-the-problem-with-perceptions?rq=284“Not enough of a good thing” August 14, 2024 4:15https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/podcast/nbspepisode-294-not-enough-of-a-good-thing?rq=294“Satisfying vs. productive” December 11, 2024 4:00https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/podcast/episode-312-satisfying-vs-productive?rq=312 Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Christianity's Golden Rule, to do unto other as you would have them do unto you, is woven into nine other world religions (at least).Here's the source for the phrasing in this episode: https://www.scarboromissions.ca/golden-rule/golden-rule-across-the-worlds-religions You can buy a poster there, too. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Kelly McDonald joins me to talk about her book, How to Work With and Lead People Not Like You. We talk about her take on constructive conflict and some fascinating and compelling research about the challenge and benefit of working with people not like you. You can learn more about this book and Kelly's other books here: https://www.mcdonaldmarketing.com/ .She invites connection requests on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kellycmcdonald/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Satisfying or productive? In a way, an expansion on the idea of stopping yourself from uttering that clever, snarky comeback.  Definitely might be satisfying, but unlikely to be productive. More likely to be harmful: creating a conflict, exacerbating one, or laying the groundwork for trouble by creating ill feelings.In addition to snarky comments, consider actions, inactions, delays.  From a conflict perspective some tempting words and acts may feel good – in a bad way – and be quite damaging.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Rabbi Daniel Cohen joins me to talk about his book, What Will They Say About You When You Are Gone?: Creating a Life of Legacy. We discuss how we all create that legacy every day, even in the smallest moments. We talk about reverse engineering your life, anticipatory kindness, and Elijah moments.  You can learn more about the book, Rabbi Cohen's new podcast, radio work, and The Legacy Academy at his website: https://www.rabbidanielcohen.com/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

It's Thanksgiving week here in the U.S. We are encouraged, of course, to reflect on what we can be grateful for. There is more focus on our inward directed reflection than on expressing our gratitude to those around us. When we do look outward, in our interactions with others, can we try to add gracious to grateful? Not just because it would be nice. Being gracious now may lead us to be grateful down the road for nasty conflicts prevented or more easily defused.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

When you are truly stuck with a lousy option and need to accept it, what process can you follow?First, acknowledging the frustration. The grief. The loss. Second, trying to keep the finger-pointing and blame to a minimum.  Backward-looking “if onlys” don't help. Third, trying to keep the focus on the future. Whatever that was now going to be.  If there were lessons to be learned, trying to absorb them with grace and intention. Finally, keeping priorities clear. If the relationships matter, doing what needs to be done to repair and strengthen them.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

The idea that we can control our emotions is both unrealistic and potentially damaging. We can try to shut them down or bury them. But they won't go away. They can corrode or explode. Better to make sure that our emotions do not control us – and our behavior. We can recognize the emotions and their effect on us. Then work to make sure we don't give up our agency to them.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

It's good advice to “be humble in victory and gracious in defeat”, a phrase credited to Chrisopher Earle.  Humble: no gloating, no mocking. Gracious: accepting the outcome, no blaming those who enforce the rules fairly, no finger pointing at your teammates. But both can be tough to do, especially in the current political climate in the U.S. Which leads to another quote: “If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.” That might be the best option in interactions with those who have a different political view from yours.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  

Empathy is demonstrating an understanding of another person's feelings and needs. Sympathy shows concern for another person's misfortune, but not necessarily with the same connection. Pity can be sympathy with judgment or condescension. Empathy can be very helpful in the conflict context. Sympathy may be helpful. Pity can create or worsen problems. We need to be careful about what we are feeling and very careful about what we are projecting. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

John Ford is a seasoned mediator.  He also describes himself as the purveyor of The Empathy Set. These are tools to help answer the fundamental questions that so often lie behind conflict: What are we feeling and what are we needing.  The tools include cards, an app, a dictionary and very cool talking sticks. We discuss how to use these tools effectively. To learn more about The Empathy Set and access free resources, visit https://www.empathyset.com/ You will also find there information about The Empathy Set app, which is free to download.Visit https://www.johnford.com/ to learn more about John's work.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on X @conflictsolving.  

When we are in ongoing relationships, such as those in an extended family or family enterprise, we should be on the lookout for conflict patterns.  Is there a pattern to when we frequently end up in a bad conflict? A location can set up challenges in at least three different ways.First, a certain location can be the site of a previous dust-up, disappointment, or even tragedy. Revisiting that particular location can be difficult – possibly for some people and not others. Second, some locations reflect an important power imbalance. Think home teams in sports events. If one person is on their home turf, and others clearly are not, the others may start in a defensive crouch before any interaction at all! Third, some locations are just filled with distractions. A location can also create opportunities for uninvited listeners.Noticing patterns based on location can help prevent unnecessary negative conflict. But we do need to keep our eyes and ears open. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.  

When we are in ongoing relationships in an extended family or family enterprise, we should be on the lookout for patterns.  Is there a pattern to when we frequently end up in a bad conflict? Which is probably easier to notice than when we don't end up there.One easy-to-detect factor is timing. Are meetings scheduled at a time of day that is primed for frustration? Are participants in decision-making given ample time to prepare for making them? Noticing patterns and taking helpful steps from what we learn from those patterns can lessen the likelihood of unhelpful conflicts.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

In the context of a dispute or conflict, we may easily overlook progress. We might miss markers all together. We may see them but dismiss them as no big deal. Baby steps matter. How? First, though they may be only slight improvements, they are improvements. Second, they usually indicate some success in those who are in conflict working together in some small way.Third, marking that progress – and celebrating it in some even minor way, helps to cementthe progress. To support momentum.       And perhaps most important, where the relationships matter, any kind of joint celebration is good. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.  

Most podcasts don't last as long as mine. Some recent statistics are available here: Podcastpage.io  https://bit.ly/3THcApJ. Why have I been publishing every week for five and a half years?!   I think it breaks down to three things.First, understanding conflict and helping people deal with it better is my passion -- and has been for decades. Second, the podcast gives me the opportunity to talk with amazing guests. Third, less modestly, I have been working as a conflict specialist, continually learning about conflict and communication, and thinking about it all for a long time …. And, well, I have a few insights of my own to share.       Here are three short episodes that have been particularly popular. First, Episode 6 “Conflict: the good, the bad, and the ugly.”  Published on February 6, 2019. 5 minutes.  Second, Episode 49: “Let it go”. Published on December 14, 2019. 5 minutes. Third, Episode 256: “We reap what we sow”. Published on November 22, 2023. 4 minutes.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

Kristin Keffler joins me for this episode. Kristin is the author of The Myth of the Silver Spoon: Navigating Family Wealth & Creating an Impactful Life. We talk about Kristin's personal, educational, and professional journeys – and how those threads come together to inform her writing and her work today, especially for Rising Gens in financially significant families.Kristin gives us a brief introduction to the discipline of positive psychology. And she shares a few words about the book she co-authored with James Grubman and Dennis T. Jaffee, Wealth 3.0: The Future of Family Wealth Advising. You can learn more about Kristin and her work on her LinkedIn page: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristin-keffeler-msm-mapp-245a21/. Her books are available through Amazon and independent bookstores.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

Last time, I talked about the alure of a common language. On the plus side, this shorthandsaves time. A common phrase conveys meaning quickly.When I use it, I demonstrate that I know the lingo of this group. We feel a sense of connection when we use our own group language. What could go wrong? A few things.  What if some people are brand new to a group and don't know the lingo? Will they feel unwelcome? Not sure about speaking up and saying, “I don't understand”? What if the obvious meaning was clear at one time but times have changed and it's not so obvious now. Or it now feels a little offensive? And what about times when we would like to include those who aren't part of the established group. Situations where a general phrase just doesn't convey enough and each person speaking or listening fills in some understanding – and maybe quite different ones!The possibility of shorthand doing more harm than good is real. Best to be sure that using shorthand has more benefits than disadvantages.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.  

Similar ideas expressed differently across groups/identities/fields of interest.  Words that are familiar and well-understood within a group. That common language. Shorthand. Lingo. Jargon, even.  Why do we do it? It saves time, that precious commodity. It can be a signifier: I understand the language of this group. And it reinforces our connection to each other within the group: this is the way that we talk.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.  

Douglas Squirrel joins me to talk about the book he co-authored with Jeffrey Frederick, Agile Conversations: Transform Your Conversations, Transform Your Culture. And we discuss an atypical definition of trust, five types of conversations, and what he means by this phrase: “bust your coherence”. You can learn more about the work that Squirrel (as he likes to be known) does and find resources here: https://douglassquirrel.com/. You can learn more about the online community where tech and non-tech executives can learn together here:https://squirrelsquadron.com/. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

LARA is a communication and conflict resolution method.Listen: First listen with the intention of truly understanding what the person is saying. Affirm: Find something in what the person has said or implied that you share and affirm that. Respond: Directly address the concern that was voiced or the feeling behind it. Ask open-ended questions and then add new information, new perspective or personal experience.These links have some concise information about LARA. https://www.eatrightillinois.org/assets/Diversity/LARA%20Method.pdfhttps://www.fatherly.com/life/lara-communication-method-couples Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

Usually, we hear about too much of a good thing. Of course, we might not all agree on whether something even is a good thing. Three separate ideas have cropped up recently about our needing more of something that I, at least, believe is a good thing.More of what we don't prefer, more polite disagreement, and more benefit of the doubt.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

Karen Valencic joins me to talk about Akido and conflict, power and force, and the new black belt edition of her book Spiral Impact: The Power to Get It Done with Grace. You can learn more about Karen and her work here: https://www.karenvalencic.com/.  Conflictmastery.com will take you to: https://www.karenvalencic.com/membership-site-optin. Find Karen's profile here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/karenvalencic/ . Contact Karen directly here:  karen@spiralimpact.comDo you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.  

Polarities represent an ongoing situation. They come in pairs. They are interdependent: you need them both, over time. Easy example: inhale and exhale.  Harder: when two people see things differently and each one strongly prefers the pole opposite to the one the other person prefers. We can have a natural – initial – tendency to resist seeing polarities where they exist. When we embrace polarities – even if grudgingly at first – we can make real progress. Recognizing that both poles have benefits andthat consistently tipping too far toward either one leads to negative consequences.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

Paraphrasing my most recent guest, Cathy Carroll:  coaches work to have all the right questions, not all the right answers.   But when this particular challenge is part of an ongoing relationship, it's wise to focus on questions before jumping to answers. Asking yourself,what really matters here? What are my interests? My priorities? Is this issue deeply important to me?   We often hear about the value of curiosity. Ask the other person. What are their ideas about this situation and how best to deal with it? Their priorities?Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

Cathy Carroll is a leadership coach specializing in family businesses. We talk about her brand-new book – the title says it all. Hug of War: How to Lead a Family Business With Both Love and Logic. You can learn more about Cathy's work and her book here: https://www.legacyonward.com/.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.  

Structure – of some kind – is an essential element of a model or framework. How would flexibility work without structure? I doubt that you would call it flexibility – the very word suggests a change from something. If there weren't something solid to start, how could you change from it? It wouldn't be flexibility then – just confusion, chaos, indecision, meandering, fog.  But models, frameworks, processes provide the structure that flexibility requires. Structure without flexibility? That's also too much of a good thing. Rigid, unwavering, cookie-cutter approaches? They also invite failure.Not a spoiler alert, but a hint and a heads-up: stayed tuned for more in the coming weeks about polarities – such as structure and flexibility. Like looking at structure and flexibility as concepts to view in harmony, not in conflict. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

Paul Edelman talks with me about how he works with clients to make more informed decisions, generating better results. We discuss his proprietary COImpact model, a process for better decision-making. Paul used his experience in a variety of settings to create the Context, Outcomes, Implications, and Action model – considering what he had seen to work well … and not so well. You can learn more about Paul's work here: https://www.edelmancoaching.com/  You can email him here: paul@edelmancoaching.com and call him here: 508.847.5300.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

Our emotions affect the emotions of the person we are talking to in times of stress or conflict. It's a two-way street.  Wildly oversimplifying the neuroscience of it: when we are physically near each other, we are picking up on the hormones that the other person is experiencing.If only one of us steps aside from the negative emotions, it can have a positive effect on the other person. When I'm calmer, you are calmer. When you are calmer, I am calmer. You can think of it as breaking the negative cycle. Or, reorienting the cycle from negative to positive. You don't need the other person to agree for you to be calmer. You don't need to name it. By all means, do not say: “Just calm down!”  Just focus on calming yourself. As you do, you will be able to reap the benefits directly and the other person, indirectly.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

My most recent guest, Natalie McVeigh, talked with me about the neuroscience of stress and conflict. Here's one excellent idea to highlight from our conversation. To paraphrase:There's a lot of research on stress, and this one conclusion is key --It's not the stimuli, it's our response to those stimuli.First step, be aware. What am I feeling? Is my body telling me that I am stressed? Second step, try to understand what about that stimulus is stressing you. What is the perceived threat? Figuring that out may take a moment. So, buy some time. Take a breath. As a few minutes pass, you are allowing your body to calm itself. Ask a question, calmly. Ask more. Get some clarification. Try to unearth what stressed you.  To get to a place where your body drops down from high alert to a calmer place.A place where you can then be able to more easily say and do things that will serve you better and will not invite or exacerbate unnecessary negative conflict.  Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. 

Natalie McVeigh joins me to talk about her interest in the study of neuroscience of stress and conflict and how she uses what she continues to learn about human brains, emotions, and stimuli in her work with families as a coach, consultant, and mediator. And she helps to bust a few brain myths. Here are some key points Natalie made: perception is everything. When we think about conflict we should focus not on the stimuli (which can very rarely control), but on our response to stimuli. We are 100% irrational. Our beliefs follow our behavior.Natalie recommended two books by Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett: How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain andSeven and a Half Lessons About the Brain. She also mentioned Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Pillemer.Find her on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nataliemcveigh/Find Natalie at EisnerAmper here: https://www.eisneramper.com/about-us/professional-directory/natalie-mcveigh/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.