Don't Be An Idiom

Episode 93: Greetings dudes and dudettes! We heard some of you were getting worried that DBAI had gone dark. Well have no fear, Episode 93 is finally here! Now grab a beer and listen very clear, because it's the first official episode of the year! So give a cheer and hug a deer. And if that deer should look at you rather queer…well...just don't worry about it, I guess. WE will tell YOU when to worry. Worry when pigs fly, dude! You are a particle on a worm in the egg of the universe? Words f l o a t o f f t h e p a g e . . .

Episode 92: HOCUS POCUS, DEMONS CHOKE US, WIND AND RAIN AND SLEET AND SNOW, LET'S GET READY FOR THE SHOW! [Poof!] Did you feel that tenner leave your pocket just then? No? Good, nevermind. Welcome to Don't Be An Idiom! If you're looking for a little bit of word history and a lotta bit of charming anecdotes we've got buttloads of both! Speaking of butts, why don't you park yours on your favorite senator's lawn and crank Episode 92 up until the cops take you, dead or alive! VIVA LA IDIOMA!!

Episode 91: [Sirens blare] Attention pathetic inhabitants of planet Earth! We have entered your atmosphere and you like didn't even know it. We are here to inform you that you are basically the turds of the universe. Your overinflated egos are an ironic and laughable contrast to your milquetoast approach to “science” and exploration. I put science in quotes because what you call “science” is less advanced than what we call “dogs” are capable of on our planet. We are obviously also here to conquer you and absorb your planet's pitiful excuse for resources. We don't even really need them; we just want to watch you squirm like the sad sour rat-maggots that you are. And don't bother taxing your small brains with the idea of defending yourselves. Our superior weaponry would literally leave your unborn great grandchildren punch drunk in several alternate dimensions. Yes, we have that technology. So you might as well sit back, try to relax and prepare yourselves for audial probing. There are worse things than listening to Episode 91 of Don't Be An Idiom. Cross our seven squid hearts and hope to BLORX!

If you're looking to get your creep on, you've come to the right place: the eighteenth installment of Do Be A Monster. We'll be setting sail for the Orkney Islands in today's episode and you may want to watch what you eat, because if you catch sight of the Nuckelavee, you're probably going to upchuck. We suggest a nice hot plate of haggis, neeps, and tatties (and be sure to stay close to fresh water). Later, we'll be heating things up with the charming Mongolian Death Worm who has been known to slither around the Gobi Desert. Hold onto your butt if you've got a desert cruise planned for the summer! Get them ears pointy, them fangs sharpened up, those eyes yellow and glowing, and throw in your headphones; it's monster huntin' time.

Episode 90: Have you ever ridden your bicycle through the woods and heard the paper-crinkle sound of two husks of men stumbling over the detritus of a thousand seasons reaching towards your back wheel? And when you look back, you aren't even freaked out or concerned just completely bewildered by the spectacle because you've never seen such shells of men before with sunken eyes and lizard grey skin? And you quickly realize that these unfortunate entities are not after your bicycle wheels or brand new Wellingtons but are instead ravenous for your satchel of eggs which you have foolishly let hang down well below your waist? And although you can't be sure, you know if you bear witness to the consumption of these eggs by these two worthless wraiths, it just might make you so sick that you could never eat an egg again? Well if so, then this episode is a lot like that and you can rest assured that you've already been around the block and know what's about to go down. So give in to Episode 90 and celebrate another ten episodes with Albert and Ryan with a wee toast. We promise to get you back in bed by 8pm sharp where you can be as snug as a bug in a rug.

Episode 89: Upsa-daisy, biscuits and gravy, mama's in the kitchen with the Michelin baby. Papa's in the woodshed, he can't stop...sharpening his ax for the Gordian knot. Onesie, twosie, threesie, foursie, tax man's knocking at the doorsie. Mama throws the gravy in his face; Papa swings his ax and their debt's erased! Enjoy episode eighty-ninezy. It's a doozy!

If it's April 1st, it must be time for another serving of Let's Get A Strombo—the only podcast dedicated to the tastiest pizza shop treat this side of the Marinara River. With the bells to prove it, the boys have put in the work and not only surfed a wave of agita over the past few weeks, but delved into the deepest pools of philosophy surrounding the famed strombo. You'll hear so much about strombos, you might need to pause to get the grease out o' your ears! So loosen that belt and hit play for it is time to get a strombo.

Episode 88: Horsefeathers! Episode 88 already? I say, I say, where does the time go? The boys are back, tight, and rock hard with a FULL episode…song and everything! We were feeling like the low man on the totem pole there for a minute, but we're back on top now baby! But is that actually a good thing? Listen now and find out.

Episode 87: When in Rome, do as the Romans do...and this week Albert and Ryan visited Sickboy Land where two customs reign supreme: delay releasing one's podcast and run out of time to write an end-of-the-episode song. However, the boys ain't the type to draw legs on a snake and thought it best to give the people what they've got—which is one bebop zoomin' episode that'll make you cover your face in bees and straddle a hog. You can be sure that by the end of the hour you'll be thieving pizza and scream-slobbering at your grandmother about the audacity of the Holy Trinity! Speaking of holy trinities, we are now accepting mail to our PO Box in Philadelphia and strictly accepting bowls of macarooni, jugs of wine, and cigarettes. Snail mail us asap for a chance to be included in our annual Lupercalia Festival raffle! Make some noise with the idiom boys and kick start the internal combustion engine that is Episode 87. End song courtesy of New York thrash/metalcore gods Zombie Apocalypse.

Episode 86: Maaaaaaaan! Y'all are the lowest, lousiest buncha flea-bitten scum suckers I ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes on! I mean, really. What is the deal with your whole face-head? I say, I've got a right mind to scatter all you lily-livered polecats to the freakin' four winds! On the other hand, this could be the opportunity of a lifetime! I can see the headlines now: SWARTHY PODCAST GOONS LICK MILQUETOAST AUDIENCE INTO SHAPE FOR LOW, LOW PRICE $$ WOMEN SWOON IN THEIR PRESENCE! MEN SWOON AT THE THOUGHT OF WOMEN SWOONING! “IT'S LOLLAPASWOONSA OVA HEEEERE!” REMARKS GEORGE SWOONEY. Alright, I've made up my mind. I'll do it! Just a couple quick caveats first. I don't do weekends, holidays, bathrooms, laundry, or kissing. What I do on my personal time is my business. MY BUSINESS, YA GOT THAT?! So yeah, listen to Episode 86 and become a version of yourself that doesn't suck eggs quite as much.

Crunch…crunch…crunch…CRUNCH! What's that?! Albert munching on unsalted almonds? No, you idiot, it's the latest episode of Do Be A Monster! Pour yourself a Scotch and strap in 'cause the boys are going to take you on a wild rollercoaster ride from the peaks of Ben Macdui to romp with The Big Grey Man all the way down to the dirty, forgotten bathhouses of Japan to slurp up some fun with the Akaname! This one's got it all folks: Scots, scum, fur, tongue! [Makes the sign of the cross] Remember in the Neverending Story when the kid hides in the attic of the school and eats half an apple while reading the book under a dirty old rat-piss blanket? Yeah, do that with the seventeenth installment of Do Be A Monster!

Episode 85: Forget the Christmas goose and throw the figgy pudding out the window because the only thing good enough for all you idiomats out there is whatever abomination to nature rolls out of the boys' big old sack of due corrections after this year's annual Don't Be An Idiom Holiday Snipe Hunt Extravaganza! We'll be sucking down snouts and picking our teeth with hide bristles until our bells be ringing the glad, glad news! So grab your gongs and heed the call! I think I just spotted one hiding under your sweet pappy's pork pie hat! Tally Hooooooo!!!

Episode 84: From soup to nuts, we here at DBAI Inc. are wishing you and yours a crappy Thanksgiving! And if your great step grammy starts wailing like a banshee 'cause there's chunkers in the mashed potaters, give her some sound advice and tell her, “DON'T BE AN IDIOM, GRANNY!” That's all folks!

Episode 83: Trick or treat, kiddies! Episode 83 is coming at ya like a bat out of Hell on this dark day when the veil between worlds is thinner than your podcast hosts' hair! So, whether you're haunting the spooky streets like little Tony Provolone, or kicking back in your favorite lawn chair handing out fun-size salamis to all the little shits in the neighborhood, make sure you give your ears a little treat this Samhain. The treat is episode 83, if that wasn't clear. And though this is an idiom episode, on Halloween we'd be remiss if we didn't say DO BE A MONSTER!

Episode 82: Greetings, boils and ghouls! We hope you didn't stay up until the witching hour this weekend waiting for your favorite podcast to disgrace you with its presence. You see, the boys have been going through some…changes, and have come to the conclusion that Fridays are spooky-cool enough on their own. Mondays, on the other hand, keep showing up like a bad penny, so we've decide to help soften the blows with a little biweekly idiomatic intervention. For those brave souls that actually read these write-ups, you're probably thinking, “Well this bites the big one!” But don't fret my pets, change is inevitable…just remember, it's also inedible! So if you want to make sense, don't eat money, ok? TGIM!

Look at you. You are covered in dirt and you have just dug up the sixteenth installment of Do Be A Monster. For better or worse, the tentacles of this Shoggoth of an episode will travel deep into your consciousness and reveal all sorts of mischieveous monsters and mayhem. For starters, Albert will take you by the hand to the borderlands of Scotland and England where he will introduce you to the Red Cap — a goblin with a very specific need for blood and a penchant for making abodes of abandoned castles. Next up, Ryan will lead you through the history of the foundation of Detroit where a red demon named Nain Rouge has been lingering for centuries, warning Michigan residents of impending doom (or causing it). So pour yourself a bowl of Count Chocula and hit play if you dare — this episode is bound to give you a whopping scare!

Episode 81: If thine fruit is ripe, pluck it! And if thy root beer doth chill, sip it! This is the kind of Augustan era philosophizing you're going to get in this week's bodacious episode of idiom history sleuthing. Yahs, the fellas really go the whole nine yards with fascinating rivulets that include stacked white tires and the depth of a rich man's grave. So carpe diem and enter the world of Don't Be An Idiom.

Episode 80: Whoa, Nelly! Word on the street is we've got some quislings in our midst. It seems that some of you have been dabbling in various forms of VISUAL media behind our backs! Honestly, we're just a little hurt. I mean, the boob tube? Really? It's not even what it sounds like! I thought we all agreed that the only entertainment you need to know…is audi audi audi-YO?! And we're not into the whole ENM listeners thing, so you can either stick with us or take the bus! Episode 80 has all the delicious sounds you need without all the pesky distractions of moving pictures. So give your eyeballs a rest. Heck, why don't ya put 'em in a dirty old jelly jar until tomorrow? We promise not to steal them.

Episode 79: Ah, summer. There's just something about it. How it harkens us back to the halcyon days of daisy chains, tire swings, a glass of sweet mammy's lemonade on the back porch, more daisy chains…”WEE-OO WEE-OO! ATTENTION, THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT! THE US GOVERNMENT! EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, SUMMER HAS BEEN DEEMED ILLEGAL DUE TO RECORD HIGH LEVELS OF PLEASURE ALONG WITH AN OVERALL LACK OF PRODUCTIVITY! IT'S SIMPLY UNAMERICAN! ALL IPHONE CALENDARS HAVE BEEN REMOTELY UPDATED TO SEPTEMBER 1ST! AND DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING OFF FOR LABOR DAY! ALL US RESIDENTS SHALL BE REQUIRED TO WORK A FULL 24 HOUR SHIFT ON ALL FUTURE LABOR DAYS! I MEAN, COME ON PEOPLE, IT'S NOT CALLED UN-LABOR DAY! IT'S AMAZING WE LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THAT ONE FOR SO LONG! MESSAGE TERMINATED….ALONG WITH SWEET SUMMER…SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?” What?! They can't actually do that can they? Say it ain't so! Say it ain't sooooooo! Get ready peeps, you know it's coming. In the meantime, veg hard on Episode 79. You'll be feeling fine…for now.

Episode 78: You awake in a small, neatly furnished room. You rise from the bed and walk over to the mirror sitting atop the dresser at the far end of the room. It is not a long walk. There's no recognition in the face staring back at you. The face is neither overly attractive, nor what you would consider ugly. It's the kind of face that would blend easily into a crowd and be forgotten the moment it left one's sight. You move to the window and behold tall, knotty pines. The mid afternoon sun hangs low in the sky and makes you feel sick to your stomach…but you don't know why. That's when you realize you're not alone. Beads of cold sweat swell on your forehead as you're hit with an unmistakable feeling of déjà vu. There are footsteps on the stairs now. A smell rises up in your nostrils. Something sickly sweet and familiar that you can't quite place. You move to the door as quickly as you can to turn the lock. The instant you hear the click, your sigh of relief is stifled in your throat as whatever is on the other side of the door pounds and claws at the wood, howling like a mad wolf with a parasite in its brain. As you throw your whole weight against the door, you hear static rise from the radio on the bedside table. Through the white noise you swear you hear a voice whispering, “Episode 78…it's already too late.” The pounding continues with inhuman strength as you feel your own resolve waning. Your muscles scream, the blood pounds in your ears, and as the hinges on the door explode from the wall you ask yourself, “What kind of tar baby have I gotten myself into?”

Episode 77: “Bark bark! Woof woof! Baaaaaah! Yipe yipe yipe!” It's a goddamn zoo down at DBAI headquarters! Someone really screwed the pooch and let all the damn dogs out. Then the dogs unlocked the barn and all the friggin' sheep got out! Now the sheep are nipping at your boys' ankles as they try their damnedest to climb Boo Radley's apple tree to freedom. What a scene! But let's get serious for a second, folks. Is the daily grind grinding you down? Did you wolf a whole pack of hotdogs and then complain for an hour about how the buns were stale and THAT'S why you did it? Does your family always introduce you as “our little black sheep” when they let you out of the crawl space for your biweekly piss-walk? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, just know you're in good company. If you ever need a place to screw up, scrub down, and let your freak flag fly, just remember there's always room at the Don't Be An Idi-INN! HBO INN every room! Magic fingers beds available. (You wake up in a field with a room key in your pocket. The keychain reads “Episode 77” in bold, white letters. Your money is gone.)

Episode 76: Hey everyone! Have you done something new with your hair? Your skin looks so young and wet! A new rat hair toupee, perhaps? Now, we're not just trying to butter you up so you're inclined to listen to Episode 76 of DBAI. We'd never dream of it! Ok, ya got us. We're pretty much beyond the pale of what good and decent folk would do to make an honest living, so why don't ya just slurp up the sweet, sweet lies we're slinging and come on down to the Don't Be An Idiom Used Car Lot! If you don't leave whistling Dixie in a classic convertible with a corn dog between each knuckle, then we'll eat our hats — and probably a couple o' corn dogs too. You're beautiful! Wink, wink. BUY OUR CARS!

What's that shriek in the distance? That rustle in the bushes? Those glowing eyes in the foggy woods? That slimy skin breaking the surface of the sea? It's the fifteenth installment of Do Be A Monster! Albert and Ryan have returned from a week long Monster Road Trip through the states of New England. The boys traversed the northeast and hunted a wide array of freaky monstrosities: Melon Heads in Connecticut, The Great Glawackus, The Winsted Wildman, Mercy Brown the Vampire, Pukwudgies, The Gloucester Sea Serpent, Cassie the Sea Serpent, The Pig Man of Northfield, Champy, and the Headless Horseman. They may not have eaten any healthy food the entire week, but they certainly found ways to blow their wads on postcards and tickets to Satanic and Cryptozoology museums. Plug on in and join the boys as they relive one hell of a monster journey. Next week, Don't Be An Idiom returns!

It's April Fools Day and that means Let's Get A Strombo is back! The boys have resurrected the tastiest podcast this side of the Strombo River and you won't believe the delicious audial sauce that's in store for you. In this year's stromboli themed podcast, the fellas embark on a gustatory adventure in search of the best strombo in the Philly/New Jersey area. You'll hear more than you thought was ever possible about grease ratios. You'll cower in fear and wonder at the revered Moby Stromb. Your bell shall ring a thousand rings as tales of the strombo striketh your ears. So hit play and feel okay with the second edition of Let's Get A Strombo!

Episode 75: Good blorning to you all. This is Morg your neighborhood troll. Life has been pretty good to me as you can see from all of these sweet brass rings hanging on my slime walls, but I always felt there was something missing from life, a wee hole in my heart. Little could I know that that hole (which reeked of brine and musk) needed to be filled by a little DIY podcast called Don't Be An Idiom. Now, I'm not saying I enjoy the podcast — oh hell no. In fact, I hate it. But I enjoy hating it! And that feels good. Better than raw goat liver on a Sunday morn. I'd hate to flog a dead horse, but I must insist that you wrangle up the courage to listen to this episode to the end and see if these dumbos take things a bridge too far. And maybe, just maybe, you'll get a visit from me too. Wink, wink, gludge, gludge!

Episode 74: Well boys, do ya want the good news or the bad news first? Bad news? Ok. So there's no fun way to say this, but you're being sued. By who you ask? Apparently the folks at Little Tables don't take kindly to being poked fun at. The good news is lawyer daddy's found a loophole in the Ohio state legislature. All ya gotta do is cough up a couple of silver spoons for greasy Judge Mancrow's hairy grandkids. Unfortunately, the Mancrow clan is fertile as all get out! I heard this one story about Sue-Ellen Mancrow, the judge's 12th daughter, getting pregnant with a shimp baby just by taking a bath in a tub full of king prawns! That doesn't even make sense! Neither does most of Episode 74. Slurp it up!

Listen, if you're visiting America and you want to avoid monsters, it's downright impossible. Say you're after a nice little vacation in New England and you're dying to go for a little swamp stroll; well, who do you think will be waiting in the thicket, ready to stare you down and drown your lazy ass? Exactly right — the Pukwudgies! These lil porcupine bastards have been wreaking havoc since the Wampanoag ruled these lands. Maybe you're more of a desert kind o' explorer. That's all good, but you better be on the lookout for Giant Sky Clams because one might bite you right on the buttocks. It could happen! So go grab your Do Be A Monster koozie (which can be purchased on the Don't Be An Idiom Bandcamp or when you become a Patreon Patron) and dive into the fourteenth installment of the podcast Nosferatu once referred to as "too stinky".

Episode 73: It's the semi-annual Don't Be An Idiom Zoo fire sale! That's right, our zoo is on fire and all of our remaining idiomatic animals are on sale and they are going FAST, Jack! We've got guinea pigs, dark horses…er, uh…dark pigs, guinea horses, and much, MUCH more! But seriously folks, you're gonna wanna get over here while the getting's good 'cause the smell of singed animal hair and broken dreams is getting a bit overwhelming. But be forewarned, our Dracula landlord is NOT happy with us and he's been picking off some of our less fortunate zoo patrons in some sort of misplaced “you-owe-me-six-months-of-back-rent-so-I'm-drinking-my-fill” revenge plot. So yeah, episode 73! Do it!

Episode 72: Happy Friday the 13th, y'all! We know, we know, it's not Friday the 13th right noooooooow, but it was when we recorded this shit! To celebrate the big bad day AND the release of Episode 72 the boys cooked ya up a big ol' pot of spooky spaghetti and malevolent meatballs and slopped it up with a terrifying trough of murderous marinara. What's that? We forgot the bread you say? Don't make us laugh maniacally! Of course we swung by Tony Role's Roll Emporium and picked up a baker's dozen! So take a seat at our demonic dinner table, grab a killer cabaret, and eat until your eyes pop out and you accidentally eat those too! We're so Vlad you made it! We're so Vlad you made it! JINX! BUY US A COKE!

Episode 71: Helloooooooo nurses! We know you've been waiting all year for this one. It's the FAIRLY ANNUAL DBAI NEW YEAR'S EXTRAVAGANZA-SODE! The fur is flying and there's no denying that you'll be crying if you miss out on the first episode of 2023! Look, we understand that you and this podcast are joined at the hip and that's why we're taking you on a trip…a busman's holiday if you will. Where are we going you ask? To answer is no simple task. So why don't you just relask? The boys are behind the wheel now and the meter ain't running! In fact, it's spinning backwards like an Australian slot machine and now you're MAKING MONEY (money, money)! What we're trying to say is, we'd be remiss if we didn't encourage you to tune in for the splendor that is Episode 71. You've earned it after what happened last year — you know what we're talking about, wink-wink, nudge-nudge, HURRRRRRRL!!!).

Episode 70: But soft, what light from yonder window breaks? It is the Egg, and Juliet is the yolk. But enough of that romance shiiiiiit! The boys are coming in hot with a three-egg omelette of idiomatic enlightenment that just may blow your front side off! And if you think for even a single second that the dudes are slowing down, you can just think again, compadre! There's no rest for the weary genius, so the Land of Nod's gonna have to wait another forty winks for these Italian stallions to unfurl their rucksacks and pay homage to His Dark Lord, Monsieur Sandman. Speaking of single seconds, don't you dare think for an ADDITIONAL SECOND that the fellas are gonna start phoning it in and placating to middle America! It will be a cold, nay, a FRIGID day on the shores of the Satanic Sea when you find your heroes lying side by side in the Procrustean bed of corporate sellouts! We may be 70, but we've still got the hearts of black metal Viking walruses! And we shall ride the sky road on the wings of demonic vultures on an ever-cresting wave of thundersludge for time immemorial! And the blood shall…rain…DOWN! So yeah, we ain't stopping. Happy 70th, Ry! Love you, boo. I SAID NO ROMANCE SHIT!

It's that time of the season when the boys get a-bristlin'! Seriously, folks. Teeth over here are gettin' sharp as all dang hell and the wolf hairs are poppin' out like glochids on a cactus. This is why it feels mighty fine to drop the thirteenth installment of Do Be A Monster. This one's bound to get your tentacles glip glopping all over the frigging place. First, let's just get this out of the way: have we ever said a monster can't be cute? Of course not! We would never say that. Just ask the Jackalope. Surely you've heard of the revered Jackalope and perhaps have even seen one once while riding a dunebuggy through the deserts of Wyoming. Then we've got the Snallygaster. This eighteenth century dragon-bird-freakazoid from Maryland will definitely get you itchin' to see more beaks with teeth. So sit back, relax, throw on a cyclops mask, and hit play; it's time to do some monster huntin' with the boys who make the noise.

Episode 69: We-ow! Does it feel like someone slipped you a Mickey? Maybe you just had one too many Thanksgiving Arbor Mists. Remember those? Well, if you've arisen from your holiday haze and been like, “Whyyyyy?!” maybe what you need is a big old dose of DBAI! Episode 69 is here and your hangover is merely a paper tiger. So pour yourself a massive Bloody Mary (and let's just pause for a second and think how cool THAT drink name is!), and let the boyz fill your brain with nonsense and simultaneously erase some embarrassing pants-pissing memory from your childhood…or adulthood. We don't judge here. Except Judge Dredd! Which we do every 3rd full moon! Awooooooo! Peace broskis.

Episode 68: It's your big debut (metaphorically). You've finally landed the lead role (in a strictly metaphorical sense). Your dead parents are in the audience, and they're proud of you…for once. You gotta get out there, kid. You can't rest on your laurels of being the world's smallest mole-wrangler in the mall forever. If ya need a little audiophonic courage, pop in Episode 68 of DBAI, forget your lines, and oh yeah — break a leg!

Episode 67: Happy Halloweiner, everyone! We know you love us 'cause you've got that sweet, sweet Stockholm syndrome for your hostesses with the mostesses! But don't worry, we're putting away the heavy metal for one night; it's goin' to be all treats and no tricks. The Idiom Boys just wanna haunt your house so they can watch your sweet television, baby! So, cover yourself in shrouds and listen louds! Long live Lansbury! (Oh yeah, it's finally here: www.patreon.com/dontbeanidiom)

Episode 66: Did a stray cat sitting on the roof of a car in the rain distract you just long enough to catch your ex walking into her house? No? Just Albert? Well, I guess it's time for someone to be escorted to the old booby hatch! If being locked in a padded room is giving you the pip, wriggle a pinky out of your strait-jacket just enough to hit play on Episode 66 of DBAI. We can't guarantee it will tighten the screws in your brain, but surely it can't make things worse…right?! Take your pills, check under your tongue, sit back and let the boys cure what ails you. And hey, CHEER UP!

Episode 65: Hey all you angry DBAI fans out there! A little bird (actually, he was huge as shit!) told us that y'all had an axe to grind with The Idiom Boys for taking a little much needed R&R. Well, we're BACK BABY and we're older than ever! Season 4 has so much in store, you'll be in love forevermore! We've been navigating our fever dreams through the dark forests of our subconscious minds in search of the fabled Slickblack Mindfuck Tree in hopes of harvesting its poisonous eggcorns to fry up in an omelet of sweet oblivion for you, our devoted fans. And by hook or by crook, we're gonna do it, dammit! We love you…we missed you…let the feast of a trillion decibels commence!

Quick question for ya: Is there such thing as too many eyeballs? Of course not. Is there such thing as teeth that are too long and too sharp? Uh, try no. How about size? Can a monster be, like, too large? Aw, hell no! Here in the twelfth installment of Do Be A Monster, Albert and Ryan would just like to say that we like our monsters too darn big to hide! But smaller monsters are grand as well. Take the Storsjöodjuret for example: he's not unbelievably large by any means, but he does like to get wet in Lake Storsjön, and when a monster gets wet, a monster drips...and that is what's up. Then there's the Tatzelwurm. Tatzelwurms may only be seven feet long, but they do have the tendency to scare the boots off of Alpine hikers, and we think that's just creeptastic. So come join the boys as they explore some European monstrosities; you'll be singin' swoo swoo swoo to yourself by the end of the hour!

Episode 64: We're doing a special choose-your-own-adventure version of DBAI for episode 64! Actually, it's more of a Hobson's choice adventure where you can choose any new episode to listen to as long as it's number 64! And we know what some of you may be thinking: Why should I waste my time with this rinky-dink podcast when I could be listening to someone famous like Conan or Ron Burgundy? Well, it may surprise you to hear this, but Don't Be An Idiom is big in Japan. Huge, even! So, suck on that dirty egg, grandma! Happy American Nightmare weekend!

Episode 63: As the wind rustles the leaves of the plane trees, a little pallino rolls and bumps its way along the sand. No larger than a golf ball, he demands the respect of the entire universe; he is the real McCoy. One after the other, the bocce tumble towards their master, forever battling to be within reach of that humble, petite, white orb. Crack, swoosh, tick. Mamma mia, there is always one who wins the coveted attention of pallino, and today it is you. However, in the blink of an eye, that pattern of stationary planets so enchantingly arranged in the divots of sand must be knocked about once more…and there's the rub; the cycle continues as the wee ball travels away from the bocce, a solitary god daring all who look upon him to come to him again. There is no permanent satisfaction here, just the ceaseless yearning to be close to little pallino.

Episode 62: All right ya whippersnappers, settle the heck down! We've got your precious little Episode 62 right here — don't you worry. What's that? You wanna speak to her? Well now, I'm sorry, but that would be outside the parameters of our little agreement. But rest assured, she's alive and well…more or less. As long as you don't go acting like a dunce, we can all come out of this smelling like mama's rose bushes. Just hand over the 5-star reviews and we'll give you your precious 62. Slowly now! Noooo falssssse mooooves…

Episode 61: Is your dad sitting at the kitchen table making deck notes? Is the family dog eyeing your dad lazily from the kitchen floor? Is the murmur of Rick Williams' voice from the living room TV slowly lulling you to either sleep or insanity? If you answered "yes" to all of these questions then you are Albert of the famed and celebrated podcast Don't Be An Idiom. If you answered "no" to any of these questions then you are Ryan, god-king of that sonic universe earth-folk call "Don't Be An Idiom". What's that you say? There are “others” that one can be? Surely, you've been listening to Rick Williams' murmurs for far too long. So whoever you are (of the two only choices), be sure to grab a BIG-OL' Sharpie and fill in that widow's peak until the tax man forgets you. That's it, you are now supreme. What else could one possibly ask for in this life…an egg in your beer?

With the winter finally behind us, it feels like a mighty fine time to go a-monster hunting. Welcome to the eleventh installment of Do Be A Monster in which lifelong creature-nerds, Albert and Ryan, hang out with a couple of fantastically fresh freakazoids. If you feel a chill in the air, that's because the Wendigo is among us, bringin' on some cold winds and a taste for delicious human flesh. We've also got the disturbing Hobyahs who will be sure to tear down your hempstalk house, eat your parents, and provide you with a future rich with nightmares. Join us as we explore some cannibalistic creeps from around the world. Look me! Look me!

Episode 60: Lixty! Lixty! Look who's sixty! The boys are demonstrating that the proof is truly in the pudding by celebrating a nice, round-numbered episode the only way they know how…by crushing Iron City brews and wolfing down Monster pepperoni rolls straight from the black and yellow heart of Pittsburgh! Yinz be trippin' if yinz thought the boys couldn't scrounge up some fresh turns of phrases for yinz asses! Do the right thing…call outta work and hit that play button. This one's for you, Uncle Mike!

Never let it be said that The Idiom Boys are a one-trick pony. Nay, not even a two-trick pony! That's right, the fellas are embarking on their third and possibly greatest adventure yet! It all began with a pizza box and a dream. And that pizza box became their ship, and that dream was the wind in their greasy sails that would carry them to the faraway shores of the island of Stromboli, where a smoldering volcano lies in wait like a sleeping Tolkien dragon. As with most things the dudes do, they had no idea what long-forgotten juju they were conjuring up when they first spoke the magic words, “Let's get a strombo!”

Episode 59: Been stuck in the doldrums lately? Have no fear, the idiom winds are here! So round up your motliest crew and chart a course for knowledge with a glop of goof on the side. If you're still down in the dumps by the end of the episode, you can leave us a message at 1-800-WHOGIVESACRAP! Just kidding. We love yous. Take it away, Larry!

Episode 58: Yoo-hoo all you true blue DBAI fans! Episode 58 is dropping hard like fantastic rocks as big as boulders from the sky! Let's get right down to brass tacks about it: Episode 58 is goin' to drop like the mighty hammer of Thor upon thy sweet crown! If you even see a pea-sized shadow of Episode 58 above you, it is already too late for it shall drop upon thee with all of the devastation of the comet that smote the dinosaurs into oblivion! So, yeah, don't miss it.

Episode 57: You there! Where do you think you're going? It's well past curfew and yet your sorry ass is still skulking around like a king o' the creeps. Well, we like your style, sonny! Now, there's no reason for anyone to go postal. Why don't you let your favorite boys tie you to a post till morning instead? And while we're at it, why don't you let us pop episode 57 in your ear holes? You know what they say…57 sounds like heaven. So relax, don't struggle against the ties that bind. Maybe we'll do that one next time!

Episode 56: Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama to Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go down to Cloak-o-mo? Thaaaat's right folks! Please have your tickets out and ready for this non-stop sonic trip to beautiful, sunny Cloak-o-mo, where the only trial by fire you'll experience is for the accused suckling pig at the new moon luau! And just between you and us, he's guilty, guilty, GUILTY!…of being finger-slurpin' good, that is! Check your cloak and dagger and PANTS at the door, 'cause there's no way your spouse can find you here! We've hired the Spouse Mouse to be sure of that, and he'll be singing “Don't Come Around Here No More”, you can be sure! But hey, enough business talk. The boys got the job done, so you just sit back and have fun. Episode 56 is coming in as hot as an iron bar between your ears! And we mean that in the best way possible. Spouse Mouse, we out!

Episode 55: Now listen up all you toadies 'cause we're only goin' to say this once. This is the double-nickel episode and you better fucking appreciate it. We went through a lot of literal shit to bring you this episode a week late, and you didn't even text. We know you've had a tough week; we've aaaaaall had a tough week. So relax (and make sure you're really relaxed) and pop a toad in your mouth and enjoy the highly anticipated Episode Fifty-Five. And if that toad starts a-foamin' you shall not sue us, for we do not have last names. Fin.

It's a slimy business, but Albert and Ryan are dedicated to the calling (as evidenced by this momentous episode). Here it is, the tenth installment of Do Be A Monster and there are still so many muck-mouths and bulging-eyeballs to cover. To celebrate the new year, Ryan brings the Malaysian penanggalan to the airwaves; well, at least her head and entrails. Meanwhile, Albert would like to introduce (all the way from Deutschland) the terrible Alp! If you've ever felt a bit too much weight on your chest while sleeping, you've probably already met him. Come join us for another romp down the avenue of creepy creatures and fascinating freaks! Stick around for a special Do Be A Monster giveaway. Hint: show us your monster!