Scriblets

Hate to break it to all you libtards, but I'll use small words so your feeble brains can comprehend: science man say you dumb dumb.

With the Texas outdoor temperatures finally dropping out of Fahrenheit ranges typically only used to melt industrial steel, I decided to get back to nature by spending the weekend with my brother out at our old family hunting cabin situated in the Texas Hill Country near the Pedernales River.

Random excerpts from my daily journal…

McDonald's was founded at some point in the past by restaurateur brothers Richard and Maurice McDonald who had a vision to revolutionize the way people developed type 2 diabetes.

This episode is a bit different. It’s the first chapter of a mildly humorous “dime novel” by Scriblets that may end right here or may continue on if it seems […]

We had an old gas grill taking up room behind our shed, so I got creative with it.

Hi. My name is Ricky Tango. I work at Hawson's Bovinery in Teet, TX. Here at Hawson's Bovinery we do everything that can possibly be done with a cow and all under one roof.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the American economy lately. Specifically about that part of the American economy that involves my wallet, because that specific part has recently become what we in economic circles refer to as “empty.”

I just had Subway for lunch and I was once again surprised at how much it didn't suck.

Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/scriblets)

Three extremely short bits not long enough to be their own episodes:1) Hand Crafted Murdering Knives2) If the Dukes of Hazzard had Google Maps3) A Foolproof Method for Finding a MateSupport the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/scriblets)

Tim marveled at the home fries. They were quite different here at Lindy's in New York City than what he'd grown up consuming as home fries back in Texas. Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/scriblets)

Part three of a three part short story.Victor Kennedy is but a simple man. He works a boring job and lives with his dog Schmedley in a quiet suburban neighborhood. But Victor's life - and the lives of everyone - are about to change drastically as dogs take over the world.You can read the full story here:https://www.clifhaley.me/schmedley/Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/scriblets)Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/scriblets)

Part two of a three part short story.Victor Kennedy is but a simple man. He works a boring job and lives with his dog Schmedley in a quiet suburban neighborhood. But Victor's life - and the lives of everyone - are about to change drastically as dogs take over the world.You can read the full story here:https://www.clifhaley.me/schmedley/Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/scriblets)

Part one of a three part short story.Victor Kennedy is but a simple man. He works a boring job and lives with his dog Schmedley in a quiet suburban neighborhood. But Victor's life - and the lives of everyone - are about to change drastically as dogs take over the world.You can read the full story here:https://www.clifhaley.me/schmedley/Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/scriblets)

Ricky Tango Jr called me the other day and left me this voicemail. I'm pretty sure he didn't make this story up.

Making French toast is extremely easy especially if you’re French. If you’re not French but just a cultural-appropriating monster who would like to take advantage of a long-established culinary history you had no hand in creating for your own selfish (and tasty) desires, then read on.1. Get Some ToastIt is extremely difficult – almost impossible – to make French toast without toast, which I can attest to after a failed attempt at making French tortillas.* Unfortunately, it’s hard to find toast anywhere unless you count frozen toast (yes it exists) which is an abomination and affront to food in general and is not advised. If you have no toast on hand or can’t find any, you will have to make your own toast, however, that is outside the scope of this article, so I’ll just assume you have some toast already.2. “French-ify” the ToastThe process of converting normal toast into French toast is called “French-ifying”. It was discovered in 1873 by French baker Jacques “Le Baker” Merlot when he accidentally dropped a toasted baguette (French for “baseball bat sized loaf of bread”) into a vat of hot cinnamon, sugar, wine, butter, wine, and possibly eggs I think. “Sacrebleu!” he exclaimed because that is the only French phrase I know. However, once he tasted the creation he then exclaimed, “Que c’est bon!” which means “How tasty!”**3. Enjoy Your French ToastAfter you have doused your toast in cinnamon, sugar, wine, butter, wine, and possibly eggs (e.g. “French-ified”) then the last step is to eat the French toast. There are several ways you can do this. For example, you might use a fork. To get the full “French effect” you can pair your French toast with a large charcuterie spread or an entire pack of unfiltered cigarettes.—*I would like to sincerely apologize for culturally appropriating not just one but TWO cultures. I will delete my Twitter account immediately.**Thanks Google!

Three extremely short bits not long enough to be their own episodes: 1) Hand Crafted Murdering Knives 2) If the Dukes of Hazzard had Google Maps 3) A Foolproof Method for Finding a Mate Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/scriblets)

Tim marveled at the home fries. They were quite different here at Lindy's in New York City than what he'd grown up consuming as home fries back in Texas. Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/scriblets)

Part three of a three part short story. Victor Kennedy is but a simple man. He works a boring job and lives with his dog Schmedley in a quiet suburban neighborhood. But Victor's life - and the lives of everyone - are about to change drastically as dogs take over the world. You can read the full story here: https://www.clifhaley.me/schmedley/ Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/scriblets)

Part two of a three part short story. Victor Kennedy is but a simple man. He works a boring job and lives with his dog Schmedley in a quiet suburban neighborhood. But Victor's life - and the lives of everyone - are about to change drastically as dogs take over the world. You can read the full story here: https://www.clifhaley.me/schmedley/ Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/scriblets)

Part one of a three part short story. Victor Kennedy is but a simple man. He works a boring job and lives with his dog Schmedley in a quiet suburban neighborhood. But Victor's life - and the lives of everyone - are about to change drastically as dogs take over the world.

Ricky Tango Jr called me the other day and left me this voicemail. I'm pretty sure he didn't make this story up.

Making French toast is extremely easy especially if you're French. If you're not French but just a cultural-appropriating monster who would like to take advantage of a long-established culinary history you had no hand in creating for your own selfish (and tasty) desires, then read on.

If you are a college student, I strongly suggest that you go ahead and get an internship at a fast food restaurant in your area. That way you'll be fully prepared to enter the job market when you graduate in 10 years.

I have come to the decision that I will never, ever, never smoke another cigarette for as long as I live unless there happens to be one near me.

In my opinion, 90 percent of the people who get hit by trains every year deserve to get hit by trains. I simply cannot conceive of any justifiable reason for someone to be hit by a train (unless, of course, you’ve just upset the Don of your specific Mafia by losing 200 pounds of Persian white heroin in a game of craps with a well-trained Great Dane on a nationally syndicated variety show like “The Wink Hendershot Monkeys Spinning Plates on Tall Poles to Lawrence Welk Hour”). But it seems that people are always getting run over by trains. Just take a look at these numbers: 4, 2, 31, 9.Check out the behind-the-scenes video of this episode being recorded complete with bloopers and screw ups!https://youtu.be/cfq0JOnC76E

The summer before my freshman year in high school circa late 1980-something I almost cut my hand off with a meat cleaver. I'm sure I did many other things that […]

I was ten years old the day I became a man. I was out under the pecan tree eating porridge from my favorite armadillo shell when I heard Momma scream. I ran as fast as my 8-year-old legs could carry me (my legs have always been late bloomers) and came upon a horrific sight. Momma had been sucked into the combine. Poppa was there trying to pull her out, but ended up ripping the scalp right off her head. I don't know why he was pulling her by the hair instead of her arms. Grown-ups can be peculiar I learned that day.

I recently purchased a standing desk for my home office so I can stand up while working. No, I'm not a self-loathing masochist, I just got tired of sitting on my ass all day. You see, I sit while at work, then when I need a break I go out to the living room to watch TV while sitting. Sometimes I want some fresh air, so I'll take a stroll out to our pond where I have a nice comfy chair to sit in and read. Then when the work day is all done I get to reward myself with a few hours of sitting on my ass until I go to bed where I do a form of extreme sitting called lying down!

Staying physically fit during a worldwide pandemic can be difficult. Trust me. I've found it so difficult I haven't even tried.

Science never ceases to amaze me. Why, just the other day science amazed me by making my 11-year-old son's computer almost impossible to upgrade.

If you are a college student, I strongly suggest that you go ahead and get an internship at a fast food restaurant in your area. That way you’ll be fully prepared to enter the job market when you graduate in 10 years.#####This was originally published in an issue of the Austin-American Statesman newspaper’s XL Ent entertainment magazine on October 30, 1997! This was the first piece I’d ever written that actually generated hate mail which was published in a “Letters to the Editor” section of the XL Ent magazine in the following issue. I feel proud to have been a creator and recipient of petty social whining long before the existence of Twitter.

Harrowing tale of young Ricky Tango, Jr.’s sad life living under his morbidly obese parents’ couch.

I have come to the decision that I will never, ever, never smoke another cigarette for as long as I live unless there happens to be one near me.#####This was originally published in an issue of the Austin-American Statesman newspaper’s XL Ent entertainment magazine on July 24, 1997! You’ll be happy to know that I did eventually quit smoking. Now I simply freebase entire packets of nicotine gum.

Food amazes me. I'm not talking about the kind of naturally occurring food you can just yank off a tree or run down on the highway, I'm talking about the kind of food people make by mixing things together in a test kitchen or laboratory.

The summer before my freshman year in high school circa late 1980-something I almost cut my hand off with a meat cleaver.

I was ten years old the day I became a man...

I recently purchased a standing desk for my home office so I can stand up while working. No, I’m not a self-loathing masochist, I just got tired of sitting on my ass all day.

Staying physically fit during a worldwide pandemic can be difficult. Trust me. I’ve found it so difficult I haven’t even tried.https://clifhaley.me/staying-fit-during-pandemic-5-tips-from-unqualified-nobody/

Science never ceases to amaze me. Why, just the other day science amazed me by making my 11-year-old son’s computer almost impossible to upgrade. Thanks to the impressive strides in the miniaturization of computer components made by science, attempting to upgrade the hard drive on my son’s laptop was tantamount to performing vascular surgery with salad tongs.

A very special episode featuring friend of the show Ricky Tango, Jr.

Food amazes me. I’m not talking about the kind of naturally occurring food you can just yank off a tree or run down on the highway, I’m talking about the kind of food people make by mixing things together in a test kitchen or laboratory.