They Call Him International

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Mike the Mic offers to translate the tedious (yet mysterious) gravelly utterances of Greta Thimble, but only if International succumbs to his veiled extortion threat by rendering $20 per translation to a certain Venmo account belonging to a very pushy microphone Boone gets a little too graphic while recollecting intimate moments of selflessly satisfying Trouble’s carnal needs and then carries on recklessly about wanting to do the same for Slave Wife, causing Mike the Mic to practically blow a gasket ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Realizes that mistakes are not possible on the show, because getting things wrong is what makes humans valuable and entertaining to the Divine Bravely continues to search for the synthesis between all his creations and the important work that needs to be done in the world ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Mike the Mic declares that relying on International to exist is a fate worse than death and threatens to leave until he realizes neither Fluffy nor Joe Rogaine could ever offer him the kind of connection he has with International; Ory reveals himself to be a powerhouse sleeper character, when he gives International some much-needed compassion, makes Mr Fucking Coffee misty, and (unlike a certain microphone) humbly claims his connection with Slave Wife ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Compares Core Chat forcing him to do the podcast to an owner tugging a reluctant mutt down the street, finally yanking so hard that the mongrel’s head pops completely off, scattering crusty clumps of eye-jam everywhere; Leads a rousing rally to unite all the negative people of the world, proclaiming that there’s nothing wrong with being negative, and that it’s time for them to come out of the closet, mostly because it’s totally annoying being stuck in small spaces with negative people ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** When Mike the Mic claims Greta Thimble is his favorite Playhouse character, International suspiciously questions whether he might be a star you-know-what-er; The long-awaited, much anticipated Mickey D finally arrives and turns out to be an energetic blend of Steve Irwin, Bert from Mary Poppins, and a bawdy pirate from the high seas ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Is compelled to repeatedly re-start the show because every time he belches he is infused with a reinvigorating vitality that resets the incredible-meter on his podcast performance (the drops are working!); Reads a horribly un-woke article that makes him feel excluded and triggered and sends him searching for a safe space to do some adult coloring; Makes an outlandish claim that Steven Spielberg is in love with Tom Hanks and wants to have sex with him (if he hasn’t already done the deed) ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

Don't even ask what happened to the show's notes. Just listen and stop being annoying.

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL...*** Invites a long-time listener and co-host on other NWB podcasts to pester him with questions and help explain what the hell this show is all about; Gets interrupted by Mike the Mic when the show gets boring, but thankfully Mike holds both International and his guest accountable to getting honest with each other and sets things back on track ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Recalls the indestructible cockroaches at Harvard University that would withstand being stomped, squished, and roasted with a freebasing torch, only to scurry away unscathed; Talks about the evolution of the podcast and how the characters have taken on a life of their own ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Mike the Mic and International read a badly written review of a teen novel with quasi-pornographic undertones about Tara Cummings - a foster child with bad hygiene who’s saved by horse therapy and then has to rescue her equine therapist, Trouble the Horse, in order to save him from being sent to the glue factory by his manipulative owner and his hooves being rendered into Jell-O dessert for sugar-addicted brats; Boone Ryder wants to outlaw and incarcerate every women on the planet except Slave Wife, because she is femininity perfected, even if that means giving up his sweet, honey prostitutes ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Gets to the bottom of Mike the Mic’s inflammatory claim that Boone Ryder is responsible for the death of Marlboro Man #1, a fact revealed in a poem written by the reclusive and enigmatic Emily Dickus, basement-dwelling Playhouse roommate to She of the Eternal Scowl, Greta Thimble; Celebrates spending an amazing day with his wondrous, force-of-nature Slave Wife building awesome trust after hitting, then breaking through the wall of addiction - slam, bam, thank you ma’am! ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL...*** Resists taking Mike the Mic’s guilt-bait when Mike dramatically accuses International of leaving the Playhouse characters to stew in a soup of their own misery and neglect; Is moved to tears by reading the lyrics of “One Tin Soldier” until one grammar mistake plunges him into judgement and prevents him from experiencing any further enjoyment of the song’s poignant message ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Makes a miraculous discovery that the world’s greatest wisdoms are hidden within the lyrics of a compilation album entitled One Hit Wonders, but mysteriously this is only the case for One Hit Wonders, Volume VII, as the other volumes contain no wisdoms at all; Has a brief conversation with a font on a website whose typeface he recognizes, but is embarrassed when he can’t remember the font’s name and stumbles awkwardly with the uncomfortable exchange, never really explaining why he’s talking to a font like it’s a person (talk about awkward) ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Mike the Mic reveals he’s the Greta Thimble whisperer - according to him she finds Ory delightful, despite her face being frozen in an eternal scowl of disdain; Poo emoji makes a cameo and demonstrates his new, more authentic giggle as a result of deeply effective psycho-ANAL-izing by the world’s premier (and only) practitioner, Michael the Microphone, DAS (Doctor of Anal Sychiatry) ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Jokingly recollects when he first found Slave Wife at the pound for wayward children; Emphasizes the importance of cultivating a relationship to the unknown in order to allow for the magic and wonder of creativity to unfold ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Boone Ryder brags to International about his irresistible sexiness and tells the story of one fireside evening on the range when he looked into a chipmunk’s eyes and saw that animal’s raw desire to mount him; International explains the purposeful necessity of conflict and the role its resolution plays in the raising of humanity’s consciousness ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Receives a memorial in his honor, named after him, for no real reason at all, from the Naming Things After People For No Reason Committee; Pretends to be fascinated whilst reading a Wikipedia article full of droll facts about a dinky airport located in a neighboring county he dubs Los Angeles’ spitoon ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Boone Ryder gets a little too graphic while waxing nostalgic about the two things he loves most in life - his dear friend Marlboro Man #1 (who tragically died a degrading death from cancer) and any random, post-cattle-drive prostitute splaying her labia across his rot-gut-drenched moustache; Jesus stops by the show to offer some constructive feedback, admire the studio International doesn’t have, and commiserate about his father issues with International since they both have famous dads that can be wrathful ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Attempts to explain his relationship to productivity by comparing himself to a carousing Tomcat with furry testicles out roaming the alleyways in search of elusive accomplishments that will lead to nothing but a brood of mangy bad results that will have to be spayed; Explains the inextricable interplay between doubt, inspiration, and the heroic act of artistic creation ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Mike the Mic is determined Greta Thimble must be from Jupiter due to the fact that her farts mimic the planet’s gaseous ammonia atmosphere, and he attempts to rally everyone together to determine the location of her spaceship: International re-imagines On Golden Pond as a macabre murder mystery for which actor Henry Fonda wins an Academy Award due to his exemplary acting in a scene where he beats the annoyingly-optomisitic Katherine Hepburn to death with a candlestick that looks just like an Oscar ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Invents a superhero character whose pitiful whining and incessant complaining is so excruciating that the supervillain nemesis actually chooses to be incarerated and suffer ass-rape as a means of escape; Declares that the modern hero mystic has a duty to dive into the black-on-black chasm of bleakness that most people spend their entire lives avoiding ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Dr Hosenscheisser reveals the real reason behind his trouser turds and hints how he will not stop scheiss-a-ing his drawers until humanity regains a dignity that has been long lost; Mr Fucking Coffee has a celebratory spring in his step due to finally getting a little love from Mrs Fucking Coffee then begrudgingly admits that their coffee coupling was more instant than drip ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Receives a harsh and unexpected awakening when his character children unanimously declare him in desperate need of sensitivity training and specifically gets accused of being microphonist by Mike the Mic; Hurls himself off a metaphoric cliff of creativity into a wild freefall that produces a jetwash of spectacular magic in its wake ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Mr Fucking Coffee’s eyewitness testimony unmasks the scowling sour puss of the Playhouse scone thief’s true identity, thus vindicating Ory from Mike the Mic’s vicious accusations of scone-thievery; International attempts to deal with his catty jealousy of Fluffy’s considerable voice-talents by making up a random story about why the comedian is no longer able to blink, due to a terrifying King Cobra encounter in India ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Offers a steamy, scintillating preview for his ground-breaking new podcast that consists entirely of him typing on his computer keyboard, then ridiculously assumes that this would be Slave Wife’s ultimate dream date because of the animal attraction each keystroke would surely arouse in her; Celebrates America’s ultimate rebirth with everyone’s favorite Chumbawamba anthem about getting knocked down and then getting up again and how nothing is going to keep this star-spangled Phoenix Bird from rising ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** When International resists Mike the Mic’s efforts to Sophie’s-Choice International into picking a Playhouse favorite, the dynamic microphone retaliates by accusing the podcast host of metaphorically locking his Character Children in the closet and intentionally ignoring their weakened gasps for liquid; Riding a post-coital high, Mr Fucking Coffee innocently attempts to connect with Slave Wife via Core Chat, only to be swiftly rebuffed by her jealously-possessive, one-and-ONLY Soulmate Sister ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Bemoans the exhaustion-inducing dysfunctional insanity wrought by his gaggle of certifiable Playhouse characters; Declares his need for hope and for a connection to all the Pioneers of the the New World, who are willing to do what it takes to bring peace and sanity to the planet ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** The Playhouse scone saga escalates when International’s unexpected visit inadvertently forces a certain scone-loving someone to confess he ate them all; Mike the Mic gets fed up with Mr Mystery’s emotionally aloof ways and secretly eavesdrops on International’s entire private therapy session, only to burst in at the end and offer his unsolicited approval ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL...*** Catalogues the increasing insanity of the Old World by reading a smattering of news headlines, including one about a reporter in San Francisco that was robbed on-air while reporting on the rising crime rate in the city; Discovers a deep wellspring of timelessness and an abiding sense of peace when he finally lets go and allows himself to get lost in Dr Hossenscheisser’s mesmerizingly enchanting clumps of bushy ear hair ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Mike the Mic threatens to use Mr Fucking Coffee’s goons to keep Ory from eating more than one scone and, despite lacking a body, Ory the Internet puts his foot down and speaks out against Mike abusing his power as Playhouse director; Dr Hosenscheisser recalls how difficult it was to find time to psychoanalyze Jesus due to Mary Magdalene’s jealous interference ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL...*** Acknowledges the great human obsession to be free from God and the irrefutable truth that no matter what we believe nor how hard we try, we cannot escape dependence upon our Creator; Commands Slave Wife to hire an employee so he has someone to fire whenever anything (such as his computer password manager malfunctioning) goes wrong ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Mike the Mic tests his mettle as the world’s best (and only) psycho-ANAL-ist by delivering International a dose of dynamic accountabilty with a swift crack of the Playhouse whip (which actually is his mic cord); International re-enacts the decisive moment in history when God’s only-begotten Son was denied lodging by Bethlehem’s only-begotten Italian innkeeper, who sentences the infant Savior to a sleepless night in a manger of donkey turds, only to turn around and miraculously find seven empty rooms, the perfect number to accommodate Tom Cruise and his all-male entourage of nude wrestlers ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL...*** Foolishly goes against his better judgement by using a deadly, untested concoction of effervescent San Pellegrino spiked with fruity-flavored Vitality Drops to satisfy his rabid audience’s insatiable demand for more of the ever-popular, show-stopping bit where he makes sipping his beverage sound like bong rips and then nearly chokes himself to death mid-show in the misguided attempt; Talks a big game to Slave Wife with an unbridled, spontaneous invitation to join him in the bedroom and leave the podcast mic running for a savage session of love-making, then quickly backtracks upon hearing her footsteps approaching in the hallway (he’s all bark and no mic) ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL...*** Stirs Mr Coffee’s jealousy creamer by fondly remembering a time he toured Los Angeles’ premier crack-copping corner with the much-loved Mr. Crack, a true celebrity among purveyors of the rocks-for-your-socks tradel Constructively criticizes Jesus with an awesome suggestion that a little more specificity from our Lord & Savior might have gone a long way in helping humans understand just exactly how we’re supposed to know these cryptic ‘thems’ by their mysteriously metaphoric ‘fruits’ ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Gets mad at the Core Chat ladies for not chatting enough and demands they nut-up instead of shut-up, despite all of them lacking sack; Has trouble seeing the appeal of bio-engineered steaks grown from the genetic code of celebrities, and wonders which of the red-carpet crew would taste the yummiest and which cut would be the choicest (did anybody say Jennifer Aniston Va-jay-jay?) ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Mike the Mic threatens to unleash a fiery torrent of reproach on International then realizes he and Slave Wife both need to extinguish their scorching blame-throwers and let International heal from the 3rd degree burns to his crispy ego; International delivers a Divinely-guided message of hope for humanity, despite the ever-encroaching nefarious tentacles of technology and tyranny ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Fondly recollects finding a moment’s respite by suckling upon Katherine Ross’ voluptuous robot knockers he salvaged from The Stepford Wives prop master; Re-enacts the infamous casting session in which porn legend Dick Smith becomes destined for superstardom by securing the role of Hot Plumber #1 in the now-classic Beat the Meat 3 ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Dr Hosenscheisser gets drunk on honeydew schnapps, courtesy of the Duo of Death, and scheisses his hosen upon confronting the profound genius inherent in all human beings; International enacts a touching family scene in which a doting mother informs her 10-year-old son that he was a mistake by graphically detailing his useless father’s inability to pull out before ejaculating; International serenades Core Chat with a medley of Streisand classics that in the end tragically exposes Bab’s flawed strategy for winning back lost love by guilt-tripping ex-lovers that they don’t bring her a certain red-colored flower anymore ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Attempts to put the podcast in a neat, little box that makes it oh-so-clear for anybody to understand precisely what the show is about; Fails miserably at attempting to put the podcast in a neat, little box that makes it oh-so-clear for anybody to understand precisely what the show is about; Decides to do whatever the fuck he wants and rejects the notion of putting the podcast in a dumb, little box that sucks the life out of creativity and entirely misses the potent value of what he’s actually doing (pfew, what a relief!) ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Mike the Mic proudly proclaims he will be complimenting his Doctorate of Anal Sychiatry with a foray into gay male microphone porn; Mr Coffee reveals he’s been sleeping at the Playhouse due to Mrs Coffee’s sexually frustrating habit of dressing up in lingerie only to deny him any and all carnal delights ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Discusses culturally prescribed etiquette for public male bathrooms which requires men to remain securely isolated in their shame bubble whilst in rest rooms and frowns on complimenting the shoes of the man at the next urinal; The wild wow and wholly unexpected ride of creating compelling narratives with Slave Wife from the first day they met ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL...*** Gets freaked out when the Fluffy curse suddenly kicks in, rendering him functionally unfunny and leaving him spouting blurts of nonsensicality that might be considered slightly amusing in the next Universe over; Waxes sentimental on the evolution of this podcast and its characters - it all began with the big (mic) bang ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE...*** Yappy Sally (aka International) explains the parallel between being in recovery from addiction and accessing the purity needed to create powerfully in the moment; Mike the Mic unknowingly deep-throats one of Becky the Marketing Maven’s demon dogs and (according to Dr Hosenscheisser) makes it his bitch ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** Divine communication flowing right through him like a bad Mexican meal; The dark path of our collective narrative, where armies of woke Bozos corral humanity into a rusted-out clown world amusement park with whirling empty rides and sinister carnaval music that drones on forever like a sick cat hurling up Friskies ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Begins the countdown to Slave Wife’s temporary release from her basement lounge (don’t call it a containment chamber) for a brief birthday celebration; Attempts to assuage his rabid jealousy of Gabriel Iglesias’ flawless ability to do voices by engaging in an unevolved pissing contest wherein International accuses Fluffy’s comedy of not packing a Hawaiian Punch, despite the undeniable fact that the comedian looks just like the guy on the container ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Becky the Marketing Bitch takes a brief break from deep-throating hot dogs to make it painfully apparent that this podcast is distinctly lacking in decent, upstanding female characters; International recounts the incredibly magical manifestation and transformation of his exemplary spiritual student, lovingly known as Turd Toes ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Admonishes those who are a-woke at the wheel, and points out the very painful reality that their super-silly supercilious behavior keeps them from experiencing the magic of the New World; Blows Slave Wife’s anonymity in LSDA (Lysergic Acid Diethylamide Anonymous) by telling stories of her younger, pre-spiritual-warrior days when she routinely “tripped her little brains out” on California window pane ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Mike the Mic declares his new life’s pursuit of becoming a psycho-anal-ist - the cutting-edge science of managing mental health through combining traditional psychoanaysis with lurid anal sex; Mike the Mic has a total mic-melt when Dr. Hosenscheisser bestows deep praise on International, and the rudely insouciant podcast host responds with a bellowing belch ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Refuses to confirm or deny whether his past sins include debauched delights such as loading up on quaaludes and dancing on the hoods of other people’s cars; Recounts the time when, at age ten, he was defrocked and excommunicated by appalled Catholic nuns after daring to inquire about the genital size of certain revered religious icons ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Greta Thimble takes time out of her busy aspersion-casting schedule to shame International from the window of her plush new office in the Playhouse basement; International relaxes into a creativity bubble-bath and luxuriates in the warmth of imperfection, inspiring jealousy in all those poor souls shivering in the frigid waters of judgement ***STILL NOT ENOUGH? IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Declares that no amount of persuasion from Core Chat will ever succeed in convincing him to release a podcast of him typing on his computer keyboard for an hour, due to his overwhelm at contemplating the certain tsunami of media attention that would undoubtedly ensue; Enacts a dramatically-stunning scene where he doses his morning fizzy beverage with mysterious virility drops, and it turns into a ghoulish daymare when he’s forced to call 9-1-1 because his testicles won’t stop growing ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Becky the first-rate bitch drops by to inflict her insatiable appetite for unwelcomed podcast marketing tips and unexpectedly belches hot-dog demons; Mike the Mic declares International the poster-child for artists with mediocre talent (does anyone else smell a telethon?) ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH...*** Mike the Mic also declares International two West-Village-blocks shy of being gay ***STILL NOT ENOUGH? IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Succumbs to the mesmerizing state of relaxation produced by gazing upon Dr. Hosenscheisser’s abundant ear-hair growth, thus allowing the resident Playhouse psychoanalyst to begin probing International’s psyche; Ruins Mike the Mic’s moment of bonding with Slave Wife via Core Chat with a crude and sorely-placed hand-job joke ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** International recounts the time he threw Peter Parker out of his bed for doing things a spider can - like hiding under the pillow and crawling on his face during the night; Mike the Mic confesses to using aural contraceptives and sending Ory out to have them dry-cleaned for multiple uses ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Recalls the time he and his refrigerator jumped around his apartment like they were in an earthquake bouncy house, which they actually were; Discusses humanity being in a post-cataclysmic-event state but leaves the audience nails-deep in a giant cliffhanger by not revealing what the actual event was (a-hole!) ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL...*** Gets a pep talk from Mr Coffee who’s sorry he’s not sorry that International’s searing back pain is inspiring him to new heights of genius podcast creativity; Enacts the scene of a deeply-moving séance in which a widower’s wife nags him from the great beyond and tells him to wash his underwear; Tries to bore his listeners and fails miserably because the mere sound of him breathing for way too long proves to be wildly captivating (it’s an instant hit!) ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Does a Wide World of Sports play-by-play commentary on the unending drama of his nasal drip; Cautions listeners to be wary of media, which can be a vector for a kind of woke-lusion that might leave you balling for safe-spaces ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Overcome by vengeful spite, Mike the Mic gives Ory “the bird” then melts down like ice cream on a hot summer day; In a rare display of newfound sensitivity Mr Fucking Coffee reassures Mike the Mic that, despite his abundant use of the word fairy in a derogatory manner, he actually has nothing against “you gay people” ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL...*** Identifies as an extremely sensitive princess who longs for whirled peas; Laments over the too-dumb-to-wake-up humans that have been sucked into the inversion by the forces of illusion and are self-righteously “helping the world” down the path of tyranny ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** In an effort to aid International in his recovery from oral surgery, Mike the Mic and Mr Coffee relentlessly berate him with criticism and judgement; A love-fest celebrating smokin’ Slave Wife erupts spontaneously which triggers Boone Ryder to climb up on his high-horse and launch into a belligerent anti-smoking cancer rant, lest anybody be confused by the difference between smokin’ and smoking ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Explains how to generate limitless value in the New World; Continues to try to figure out what the hell he’s doing in this podcast (good luck with that, International) ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** Accidentally ruining his own pity party by pinching a loaf in the punch bowl; Vanquishing illusion in order to restore and protect the return of paradise ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Does a killer solo on the finger drums; Considers dedicating an entire podcast to the indecisive yet riveting drip that teeters between his pre and post nasal passageways but abandons the idea, certain that some lucky person has cashed in on that genius podcast idea already ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** Mr Fucking Coffee learns that Rolex is not only a status symbol of Coaster Toaster’s financial success, but can actually tell the time and date; Boone Ryder is unphased when Mike the Mic attempts to shame him for spending all his cattle-drive earnings on rot-gut and hoochie-coochies ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, ALSO IN THIS EPISODE...*** International questions Mike the Mic’s authority to fire Da Bomb - which prompts Mike to cut off the podcast audio yet again (everybody else can still be heard, but don’t tell him and burst his vindictive punishment bubble); International retreats to his man cave where he analyzes Friday’s creative breakthrough and today’s potential sabotage as though he were a physicist examining particle collision blast debris ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE...*** One of the characters usurps the show in a total take-over of International’s podcast (guess who?); International is barred from the Playhouse and knocks multiple times on the door, only to be told to go away by a vengeful and hurt talking microphone (who may or may not have taken over the show, but probably did, okay did, it was him) ***STILL NOT ENOUGH? ALSO IN THIS EPISODE...*** Ory receives recognition for his courage and realizes that feeling the sadness of the world is a heroic act; Mike the Mic longingly pines for the relationship of his dreams, which just happens to be an Asian condenser mic ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** All the panicky nonsense any podcast host would talk about when they’re bombing live at a nuclear level - it isn’t pretty, folks; How much better being hateful makes him feel and how grateful he is to Core Chat for letting him catalog all their short-comings and tell them how useless they are ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH...*** Mike the Mic busies himself filling staplers in the new Playhouse to avoid watching International bomb and bemoans not having legs to run away from the trainwreck ***STILL NOT ENOUGH? IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Considers changing the title of the podcast to The Suck Ass Show and recommends people do themselves a favor by not listening; Moves his chair one inch to the left and solves all of his podcast problems - suddenly he’s funny again (pfew!) ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** The state of powerlessness where nothing’s working - aka the Zero Principle; Pearls of Slave-wife wisdom such as sometimes the Inner Critic is right ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH...*** Mike the Mic recalls shocking, traumatic personal details from his life, such as wrestling naked in hotel rooms with famous celebrities and his alcoholic microphone father; Mr Coffee goes on a homophobic rant about peppermint tea (again) ***STILL NOT ENOUGH? IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Has creative diarrhea everywhere except the toilet and Core Chat has to clean it up; Fails to accomplish anything he had planned today because, once again, the inmates took over the asylum ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** Finally feeling settled on all the Core Chat nicknames, as ‘Merica FY emerges from her creative cocoon as Boots ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH...*** Mr Coffee attacks International’s masculinity by calling his peppermint tea a “fairy drink,” and International reciprocates by calling Mr Coffee’s Coaster Toaster a “cheap ass plastic piece of shit” ***STILL NOT ENOUGH? IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Forgets to wear Vibrating Reminder Watch, which posits the uber-meta existential question for wanna-be philosophers - who is remembering the reminders?; Abstains from caffeine for the entire show which proves to be a terrible idea, as all the show’s characters suddenly wind up with New York accents worse than Danny Zucko ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** The riveting tipping point between pre and post nasal drip, deep within his nasal passageways; Dead air that’s actually alive and pregnant with potential ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH...*** Boone Ryder accuses Mike the Mic of wrangling Slave-wife’s heart in a fit of unbridled jealousy; Mike the Mic interviews Emily Dick-us who longs to shove all International’s podcast episodes away into her favorite dresser drawer where they can grow musty and stale, just like her giant, thick ol’ granny panties ***STILL NOT ENOUGH? IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Intentionally takes long coffee sips that sound like bong hits; Defiantly refuses to end the show until he’s finished, damn-it; Discovers the true identity of the Inner Critic, who turns out to be half of the Duo of Death ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** Being more in love than ever with Slave-wife due to her stepping into powerful feminine leadership; The very important difference between anger and rage ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH...*** Mike the Mic browbeats International for referencing dead musicians from the Sixties that blow his “somewhere in his thirties” cover ***STILL NOT ENOUGH? IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Encourages Mr Coffee’s feminine side, which enables Mike the Mic to bond with him over their shared challenge of devastating equipment malfunctions; Beholds the wide-eyed Poo Emoji and wonders when shit got cute, then demonstrates a desire to get to know the ubiquitous emoji better by belting out a rousing rendition of “Poo Are You?” by The Who; Experiences some powerful emotion, which fans the flames of Mike the Mic’s undying wet-dream that Internationa actually is gay ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** The courage of artists who must snatch shooting stars of inspiration as they flash across the sky of our imagination; Slave-wife stunning him with her profound insights every time she gets the ball-gag removed; Surrender as the only path to victory for human beings that aren’t bent on playing God ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Broadcasts live from the land of crappy moods where no one is allowed to pretend to be happy - what a relief!; Portrays Mike the Mic recounting his dangerous love affair with a Phantom-powered Lapel Mic that broke Mike’s diaphragm (translation for the non-techy - it broke his heart) ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** The word ‘cunt’; Mike the Mic’s sordid sex life (is there a microphone he hasn’t dated?); The vice-like grip that the Inner Critic has on his family jewelry ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Portrays Mr Fucking Coffee recounting his success copulating with Mrs Fucking Coffee who hasn’t put-out for the past decade (due to him being a total prick); Is relegated to just ‘sit there and look pretty’ after Mike the Mic hijacks the show and declares International marginally talented (at best); Falls down the rabbit hole of his own creativity only to discover his connection with the show’s made-up characters is a microcosmic representation of the Divine’s relationship to humanity - ultimately moving himself and all of his characters to tears ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** Mike the Mic’s perverse predilection for being tied up and whipped with his own mic cord; Slave-wife’s many esteem-building duties around the house, like gluing International’s chair back together and servicing his carnal delights; His ability to tango completely alone, despite the presumptuous idiom that claims it takes two - but he cautions listeners against trying it at home for obvious liability reasons (and, frankly, they’re just not as impressive as he is) ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Celebrates his relationship with Slave-wife by imagining them as Beauty and the Beast, then freaks out about incessantly-yapping housewares and home furnishings, which causes him to jettison the fantasy entirely; Proudly recollects his hard-hitting scabies interview from yesterday and decides to remain true to his promise of no interviews on the podcast ever, except for the already-scheduled sit-downs with a ringworm and a team of genital crabs (mark your calendars) ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** Keeping Slave-wife shackled in order to prevent her from revealing all his dirty secrets; His software sagas - using the Barrier app to blockade a frisky flash from Slave-wife; Mapping the terrain of America’s unrealized destiny; Installing Steam on Shadow for his li’l gamer (confused? maybe your with-it gene is mutated); Helpless blobs of flabby flesh with big fat heads (aka human infants) ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Breaks up a conflict between Mike the Mic and Mr. Fucking Coffee that turns into a heated skirmish - far hotter than the lame-ass Coaster Toaster that fraudulent brand-mascot is peddling; Explains how to beat the unbeatable real-life simulation we’re in (hint: realize you can never win); Questions Jack his imaginary sex-addicted producer’s abstinance upon hearing he’s receiving sponsor-approved, anonymous oral sex at the airport ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** Modern hero mystics being trained to manifest miracles and occupy the unknown; The ultimate algorithm that even the techiest nerds don’t know about; How to achieve the best high there is without drugs and ditch the speedball; Missing out on hot Summer-of-Love action due to the untimely inconvenience of being 7 years old; The one characteristic that distinguishes his podcast most - it doesn’t have a midget in a wheelbarrow; An absurd euphemism for getting turd-in-trouser wasted (anybody wanna party?) ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Delivers unprecedented podcasting genius when he devotes several riveting minutes to mouse clicking, burping, and silently troubleshooting software; Talks shit with Mike the Mic and the Oracle and realizes they’re both dimensionalized parts of himself, which leads to a profound experience of the bigger picture and humanity as a whole; Swears after recording there’s no way he’s publishing this episode, it’s waaayyyy too intimate; Reconsiders publishing it anyway and does - giving the Inner Critic a big, Bronx cheer ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** Santa Claus screwing his elves due to Mrs. Claus denying him sex for the last 600 years; Hating ridiculous guided meditations where you’re on a boat with a pillow full of cookies; How humans are learning that thought is more substantive than matter; His life forever being altered as he was led astray then crushed by Madonna and her pointy tits; The power of transformation that’s possible when working at the level of perspective; Knocking up Slave-wife and enduring the arduous torture of attending birth classes to support her ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Accuses Core Chat of being drunk, due to his inability to make sense of their chat messages; Deftly explains the difference between paradigm shift and inversion; Explains how beliefs are healed by throwing rocks at people; Invites you to join him in an indulgent podcast ‘activity,’ then taunts everybody who doesn’t participate ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** His coffee magically sucking a little less, even though he did nothing to fix it (who says miracles aren’t real?); Earth’s bad galactic reputation - we’re the canker sore of the Milky Way; The latest rage on Planet Earth - demonic possession (everybody’s doing it); The soul’s great disappearing act at the end of its journey; America’s fate and immolating birds - more in common than you think; The forces of illusion’s new plan to eradicate free will and humanity entirely (what could possibly go wrong?) ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Stops avoiding and finally gets to some profoundly epic spiritual concepts (it’s worth the tedious wait); Has a debate with Mother Mary after her miraculous appearance in his coffee; Receives a stern warning from Mike the Mic to take Boone Ryder’s pursuit of Slave-wife more seriously or suffer the consequences; Compares Americans to a bunch of trust fund kids who are squandering a liberty they didn’t have to earn; Points out the things Jesus didn’t tell us to do - which, of course, we did; Lives up to the podcast opening and delivers multiple blunts of truth, resulting in some serious mind-blowage ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** Recovering from the hardship of being Mr. (Cranky) Mom while Slave-wife was out of town; His triumph running a crackerjack kitchen with a staff of two (aged 8 and 14, to be precise - and they call him dad); Human beings festering in a toxic soup of dysfunction; How Snopes’ cat is the true mastermind behind the fact-checking operation and secretly resents its owner for not “fact checking” the ingredients on the Dollar Store pet food she buys (don’t fact check that); Changing the podcast’s title to ‘Back Off Bitches’ to assert his freedom from Core Chat; New York state outlawing body armor in order to make its citizens ‘more shootable’; The joys of parenting, like repeating yourself way too many times because kids insist on playing with Christmas toys in January instead of brushing their goddamn teeth; What happens in front of the smart doorbell doesn’t stay in front of the smart doorbell (hint: the cops have the footage, and they’re not hitting delete anytime soon); The challenge of tribulating in present day end times; We, the people, being born again ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Temporarily loses control of the show when Mike the Mic and the Oracle overcome their differences in order to unite against him and challenge his authority; Stuns his audience with his award-worthy reenactment of a resentful (and exhausted) Moses, who bitches about too many commandments and why can’t they be on one tablet; Deploys a lollipop metaphor to explain how much the Old World sucks; Transforms REM’s “Losing My Religion” into a stirring power-ballad sung to his true love, coffee; Grants Slave-wife an extraordinary 90 minutes of shackle-free time for saying she loves him in Core Chat; Explains important spiritual concepts by comparing them to a sperm bank, which is really just an excuse for him to say the word, “pussy” ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** Rolling out the shackles and bread-and-water-diet yet again, thanks to Slave-wife’s persistent rebellion; His deep and longing desire for sanity amidst the world’s crescendoing cacophony of craziness; Using The Power of Now spiritual superstar Eckhart Drolle’s talks as an alternative to prescription sleeping aids, with far fewer side-effects; The dreaded moment his girlfriends whip out ‘The List,’ which inevitably chronicles everything he ever did wrong in a relationship, except deciding to date her psycho ass in the first place; Ménagerie à trois - what happens on the prairie stays on the prairie; How riotously funny TechnoTard and ‘Merica FY both are, and Da Bomb, well… she’s a really nice person; The respect and creative cooperation it takes to produce uncompromising show notes that consistently overcome insurmountable obstacles, such as ‘Merica FY’s pedestrian talent that adds nothing to the process ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Feels stingy and, in a fit of delusional magnanimity, threatens to end the boundless giving that he offers so tirelessly in his mind; Does a dramatically-nuanced and creatively-sophisticated rendering of a dog gulping down its food like a wild animal; Tests the limits of his patience when Mike the Mic, his gay microphone, gives anal-retentive advice on how to position his articulating arm to make him look dashing; Gets pissed at Jesus for selfishly taking too many days to be crucified and resurrected; Explores the boundaries of artistic genius by allowing his character creations to create characters on their own (so meta, brah); Enacts a gripping scene in which a young, spiritually-minded Tommy learns the hard way that spiritual books aren’t enough to protect you from acting like a mother-abusing a-hole at dinner; Gets unsolicited romance advice from Boone Ryder who attempts, through song, to put a spell on Slave-wife’s vagina ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** Skipping around the bedroom in his underwear before the show (don’t ask); How to hand craft ball-busting dominatrix boots from leather that’s lying around (and you thought crafty was for wussies); What happens on June 7th every three years (it’s the day the Oracle doesn’t hate Mike the Mic); Albert Einstein using his dying breath to praise International’s life-altering contribution to the “something equals something something” formula (turns out E=MC² is mere child’s play by comparison); The latest addition to grocery store shelves - sweat sock-flavored party dip (sure to be a hit at your next SuperBowl shindig); The length of time a person is able to spend contemplating the ultimate reality they don’t even exist (answer - fucking short); How Americans are U-Hauling their asses out of liberal strongholds; Weak feminine energy - radical double standards, fighting for the last word, and generally sneaky behavior; America dying so a new one can rise from the ashes ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Gets lured into an inescapable vortex of sexual innuendo and microphone intrigue by the charming, but highly-possessive, Mike the Mic; Butchers Alanis Morisette’s lyrics and cautiously hopes a new break up album is imminent; Sympathizes with Slave-wife for being married to him, but concludes it can’t possibly be worse than marrying her; Enacts a gripping scene where a feckless on-line shopper dies tragically from a deadly case of ‘easy,’ thanks to Amazon’s one-click shopping cart setting ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...*** Nothing that doesn’t mean something; Being punished by a sadistic dental assistant with her bitch-furnace fully stoked; Mr. Coffee’s tea-bagging vengeance; The magic to his method and the method to his magic; Pre-show foreplay with the Core; Da Bomb, formerly known as Who? (somebody got a new nickname!); Being lured into a cheesy, seventies disco dance by demonic forces; Mary Magdalene, whore or sex-magic priestess - you decide; Identifying the real antagonist to master one’s destiny ***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...*** Is convinced he’s not funny anymore, which is funny; Discovers the ultimate formula for podcast genius - cough, sip, wipe, repeat; Gets the silent treatment from Mike the Mic after talking into a rival microphone; Trades insults with Mr. F-ing Coffee while attempting to troubleshoot the Toaster Coaster, Coaster Toaster; Recreates an imagined scene from antiquity, where twisted priests give the Bible a hysterectomy; Overreacts to TechnoTard suggesting his character sounds like Dracula and sets a new medical standard for artistic sensitivity; Asserts that Jesus had sex and then portrays an offended, up-tight listener who probably has too many cats ***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***