Beach Cops

Full Episode on Patreon.com/Slopquest Every week comedians Andrew DeWitt and Ryan O’Neill take current and historical events and spin them into outrageous screenplay pitches and business ideas. On this episode the boys dissect the newest AI catastrophe and come up with a new Christian Karate based business strategy to help people karate chop away sin.

Full Episode on Patreon.com/SlopQuest Every week comedians Andrew DeWitt and Ryan O’Neill take current and historical events and spin them into outrageous screenplay pitches and business ideas. Ryan is back from Austin, where the comedy is great and the city is…fine. Then O’Neill praises the homeless public masturbators of Texas. Andy finds a Silicon Valley executive who’s trying to create his own scam religion. Then the boys try to figure out if anal causes permanent damage and O’Neill makes a strange new promise. Then the boys come up with a plan to save zoomer chicks from a fate worse than death.

Full Episode on Patreon.com/SlopQuest Every week comedians Andrew DeWitt and Ryan O’Neill take current and historical events and spin them into outrageous screenplay pitches and business ideas. The boys open up with some reminiscing about how hot that crazy chick who saw a fake person on the plane was. Then Andy brings in a Harbor Freight survival knife and gets roasted non-stop by O’Neill. The boys talk about the overall plan of all presidents in America. Then they invent an amazing new survival product called “The Goon Blade”. O’Neill tries to remember the melody to “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” and absolutely butchers it. Then we present a new segment: “O’Neill Tries To Remember The Bible”.

Full Episodes at Patreon.com/slopquest Ryan opens the episode with a good old fashioned fart in a small, closed room. Then there’s some Machu Pichu talk and O’Neill can’t get over when it was built. They talk ultra light planes for bit. O’Neill gets food poisoning and tries to pitch dessert subs to Andy but he blows the pitch by farting in the room while talking about food. Then the some boys plan a museum/ gallery exhibit and O’Neill rehearses his Terry Gross interview style. Deportations hit home for Andy. Then they tighten up their pitch for the Peter Pan Exorcist and flesh out all the fixins of the movie.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest The Pope has passed on and the boys have some theories about it. Then Andy’s friend takes someone on a tour of a shady under the boardwalk secret club. Andy finds some movies on Tubi that O’Neill can’t get enough of. Ryan has a detailed medical report of the leg lengthening procedure that’s sweeping the nation’s short kings. Andy eats too much weed and it keeps him up all night. O’Neill has a huge problem with this especially when he finds out that the main reason Andy couldn’t sleep was seeing a picture of a demon trapped in glass on Reddit.

full episode available at patreon.com/slopquest O’Neill gets mad when someone doesn’t know what the term “gooner’ means. Then Andrew dissociates at a Rite Aid. Then the boys talk about the perfect legal judge for their podcast. O’Neill leaves a bunch of .357 ammo all over the apartment and Andrew ones up with a lube based gum for oral sex. Then there’s a legit Earthquake during the podcast . They deep dive on height length surgeries now that there’s more data. Andy explains Catholic sex rules to O’Neill and they look for loopholes in language and O’Neill tries to convince Andy that all nuns are secretly horny. Then they talk about national IQ scores and try to break down 3hat that means for the world. Then Andy gets mad at the state of O’Neill’s recording studio. Then the boys make a new movie pitch that’s got unbelievable legs to it.

Full episodes here: Patreon.com/slopquest Andy welcomes everyone to the show and talks about a kid’s YouTube channel that is so stupid it makes kids non-verbal. Ryan gets an outrageous Venmo request and they try to come up with heartstring pulling Venmo scams. Then they talk Less Than Zero and eyebrow mites. Then the boys talk about airport spaghetti and meatballs from DFW 711. Then the boys diagnose American bowel movements in the Great British Dump off. O’Neill brags about his Cambodian dumps and Andy worries about the Khmer Rouge hiding in toilets with machetes. Then O’Neill is still angry at Arnold Schwarzenegger for banging his dumpy maid. Then they try to figure out the sex lives of conjoined twins and that tiny lady from TLC has a new boyfriend.

full episode at Patreon.com/slopquest Rats are at war with crows in Southern California. Ryan tells Andy what “Hotwifing” js and they weigh in on the pros and cons. Then Andy’s wife has a message for O’Neill…about how much she loves the Jamaican Me Horny Spring Break album. Then O’Neill promises to never censor himself or conform to ridiculous societal norms. Then they talk about what’s really inside the Ark of the Covenant. Andy exposes Reiki Healing as a scam through a Reddit post. Then they pitch an action wartime drama called Dog B*mb that’s so good YouTube cuts their live stream.

Listen to the full episode Patreon.com/slopquest Ryan accuses Andy of staying up all night partying. Then Andy gets a new electrical panel and the results are hilarious. Then there’s some bathrobe related neighborhood shenanigans going on and Ryan won’t let Andy play with some new toys he got for her nieces and nephews. Then Andy tells Ryan about the Chinese Sherlock Holmes, “The Honorable Judge Dee”, who solves mysteries by torturing people and talking to ghosts. O’Neill find out about the CEO of Pirate’s Booty who tried to take over an entire town. Andy gets berated at the Dollar Store for “cutting in line”. Andy unclogs a major toilet disaster and Ryan tells him he’s getting played. Then they have a business idea about how to get business men to covertly unstick their balls from the side of their leg.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/c/slopquest It’s St. Patrick’s Day, Ryan is not wearing green and Andy wants to claim his rightful pinchings. Then Andy plays a devasting testimonial about a woman whose heart was broken by a man who wouldn’t let her fart. Then the boys talk about how irresponsible Los Angeles dog owners are and then we find out a dodgy dog secret about ‘O’Neill. Then HGTV does Goon Cave Makeovers. O’Neill chastises Andy for his public bit addiction. Then he talks like a cave man before the come up with a Gooning For God Christian goon plan. Then O’Neill orders a piss test for Andy. Andy contemplates using a paring of step ladders as a nice tv dinner tray. The boys reveal that O’Neill’s studio actually has trash piled to the ceiling because he won’t throw anything away. A listener’s wife won’t let him listen to the podcast while he washes dishes and the boys come to the rescue. And finally, O’Neill remembers how much he hates PF Changs.

Full episodes at Patreon.com/slopquest O’Neill has a concussion and Andy smells blood in the water and goes nuts on O’Neill. Then he reveals that the concussion has given him impression powers. There’s some Princess and The Pee talk, Pocket Watch hypnosis, and performing stand up concussed. Then White Lotus breaks the R word taboo. Andy tells O’Neill about Jimmy Carter and the “prison planet” conspiracy and O’Neill converts to Gnostic Christianity. They reminisce about trashy ladies with Tweetie Bird tattoos. Then Andy and Ryan come up with a game plan for having to sit next to a dead guy on a plane. Ryan tries to hypnotize Andy with a dangling finger. A rich guy blows his penis out with enlargement surgery. Then O’Neill sings the praises of David LoPan . Then he humble brags about a woman attacking him in his sleep. Andy criticizes O’Neill’s impression of his own voice which he considers “performativly sexy”. Then they talk about a fair price for crimes. A cab driver tries to bang Andy’s ex girlfriend and left hilarious messages. Then Andy plays a heart warming story of a pastor beating up a kid for “playing games with God”.

Originally recorded 3.03.2025 The boys talk about about an Action News chopper that only looks for breaking adult entertainment. Andy doesn’t like reality and he’s completely comfortable about it. Then he uses gnomes from The Dollar Store and uses it as a way derail bedtime. Ryan and Andy talk about how cool they are about cuss words and then Ryan feels old at a softball game. Then they talk about raising the age of consent to 25 to get rid of all creepers. Then they talk about comedy that doesn’t hold up anymore and the seriousness of male depression. O’Neill remembers back when he used a soundboard to prank call Andy during the Boner City USA days. Then they get a mental diagnosis from a science guy. Then Andy finds the Redditor who thought he liked doody stuff and found out…that he didn’t.

Andy has a new hit theme song. O’Neill wants two apartments, one for sex, or maybe just two mattresses or maybe just a sex shack. Hooters goes tits up on the business angle. Andy has a dream that someone steal’s O’Neill new stand up bit. Then Ryan does stand up at a restaurant and watches a guy bomb harder than he’s ever seen before. Then Andy watches a man have all his comedy dreams fall apart in real time. Then they talk about hilarious Titanic improv scenes. O’Neill tries to plan the ultimate self defense jacket and there’s some talk of a second pot cast. Then they rip on billionaires for a bit. Andy and Ryan decide to review the Bible and Ryan tries to tell Andy what he would be in the 1950’s. Then they write a new redpill post voiced by Siri and it’s great.

Andrew has a bad dream about kissing butts and O’Neill doesn’t comfort him at all. Then O’Neill comes up with a Scared Straight idea that is unhinged. They talk about Andy getting sent to RFK’s fat camp. Then Andy makes a LinkedIn page for Slop Quest lawyer, Bruce Comanche and blast everyone with an incredible new business idea about “hard power” and a real East are business idea that uses an obscure law from the 1800’s to work. This episode was cut short because of a technical issue, next episode has been recorded longer to make up for it.

We’re live from the “O’Neill Home Studio” and Andy blows it apart by censoring the opening credits. Then a ghost knocks over O’Neill’s sparring helmet and freaks us out. Then they discuss how to judge a person’s intelligence based on what they think heaven is like. Andy then plays delusional music from Instagram and O’Neill loses it. Then Andy’s ex boss sings insults at people and the boys put offensive words in their passwords that get them in trouble. Also, Ryan and Andrew take cheap flights where passengers try to sneak in bags of underwear. It’s a doozy!

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest Andy introduces O’Neill to Clutch Cargo, then O’Neill dives into the opiate prevention scam. Then he repitches an idea about medical jargon with the phrase “Kick Your Heart in The Nards”. Then the boys talk about Ray Stevens doing the theme song for Narcos. Then they come up with an idea for a comedy band where the gimmick is just that the band has shoes on their knees. Then Andy enrages O’Neill when he doesn’t understand what a “twist” in a movie is or a “spoiler”. I can’t articulate how much this bothers O’Neill. Then a man is emasculated by a charcuterie board and O’Neill completely loses it. Then we talk eating a chicken pot pie in bed. Then Andy blows O’Neill’s mind with Japanese KFC Christmas.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/c/slopquest Ryan hits a major roadblock with his 5’9 bit and he’s unable to salvage it. Andy takes issue with Ryan’s “it’s always been the same” history hot takes. Andy has to take muscle relaxers and it makes O’Neill definitely not relax. O’Neill then tries to sneak into a ski resort with Ari using a woman’s ski pass and a mask. Then they talk Multi Level Marketing schemes. Then Andy can’t stop looking at the news, sleep, or function. He goes to O’Neill for solid advice. Andy tries to trick his wife into thinking she sent him a fake text. Then Andy twerks for a t-shirt on Conan. Ryan tries to make Andy less gullible but it doesn’t take. The soundboard quits working on Andy and he has to do all the sound effects by hand. O’Neill shares his garlic secret. Aaron feels the repercussions of the air quality problems. Ryan calls out Erin Brockovich in a surprising turn of events. Then the boys talk drunk business. Then there’s a wild neighborhood update with Aaron. Ryan refuses to get off a private jet because it’s too comfortable. Then they talk about real life Indecent Proposals and haggle over prices.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/c/slopquest The boys recover (for now) from the Los Angeles fires. They talk about some of the scariest stuff they experienced and O’Neill is ready for looters. The go over there go bag requirements and scrambling to save nude photos. Andy has a dream that really bothers O’Neill. Then O’Neill becomes a dream interpreter with middling success. Andy finds a monetized AI song that’s filthier than any Rowdy Uncle Ronnie and they struggle to figure out how many years we have left as a society. Then they talk about a series of bars to unite lesbians and bros in common allyship once and for all. Then Andy breaks down the increasing hotness of internet femboys to Ryan who is baffled. Then they praise some amazing firefighter pilots who saved our butts. Then they talk mediation etiquette. Then Ryan proposes an amazing new movie idea. Andy agrees to full butt nudity in the movie.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/c/slopquest O’Neill gets screwed on his flight to Poland so badly his entire vacation is basically free. The boys have an important announcement. Andy gets over the flu and has a dream about Green Mile 2 with a shocking final scene. Then Ryan educates Andy on film watching etiquette. After, Ryan recounts nearly beating the hell out of his nephew in a series escalating Punch Buggy No Punch Backs. Andy and his daughter do a Buldak spicy noodle challenge. Then Ryan tries to come up with a gay Wolverine idea but it doesn’t make sense. Then the boys talk Kings of Tupelo and presidential psychics. Then Aaron gets taken for a ride with the promise of free breakfasts. Then Ryan talks about insane Polish street signs.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest 

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest 

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest 

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest Andy can't get his penis to sit still in his pants and he's not a fan of a certain of wrestler's rubber bands. Then they come up with a condiment based super hero show. Then O'Neill finds out something very “wicked” and watches fake documentaries on a blank tv . Andy debates Ryan on the appeal of giant women. Then the boys find out about cloning wooly mammoths and intelligently debate the ethics of cloning. Andy reveals his aversion to stupid people and how he thinks he can “catch it”. Then O'Neill tries to convince Andy that he has an 88 IQ. Then they talk about the bags of shredded million dollar bills they used to sell. O'Neill pranks a company as Garrison Keillor . Then Andy torments O'Neill with clips from “Jamaican Me Horny”. Then the boys come up with a children's science show. O'Neill has to go to bed with soap all over him. Then Andy's neighbors get revenge on an awful person. 

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/c/slopquest Aaron gives us the green light as we come out of the booth swinging hard, then he hits us with a grill cheese recipe that leaves O'Neill speechless. Andy talks about some good old Christian butt banging that was sweeping his community. Then they go back to the old well of ballsack deodorant. O'Neill creates a puppet to keep people from sitting next to him on a flight. Andrew talks about the “r-word” in Three Ninjas. O'Neill starts a third political party and doesn't know what mitochondria does. Then the boys create dating websites site ideas for pure business $$$$$. We're talking amazing business ideas this episodes. Ryan does some amazing contrarian bull crap that enrages Andy.  Then they create a dopamine replenishment program that would make Dr. Huberman jealous. Then they break the glass ceiling forever with a new economic model that will revolutionize the world.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest Quincy Jones leaves the world with some incredible quotes. Andy has an incredible update on his traumatic past. O'Neill eats brake dust grown basil then he fantasies about pushing people over who are taking dumps in the wilderness. Andy puts his pants in the oven while Arron puts his pants in the freezer. Then Andy wants to take out a life insurance policy on O'Neill because he keeps doing dangerous stuff. Then Ryan has a bone to pick with Transcendental Mediation and Andy's friend gets a heck of deal on mantras. Then the boys unpack Tucker Carlson's bed demon and how to use the “demon defense” for cheating. Then Ryan unpacks the darkness behind Jeepers Creepers. Then the police come for a jury duty dodger.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest The boys toy with the idea of telemarketing their own podcast. This leads to O'Neill remembering starting a grease fire when he was kid because he was on the phone with a telemarketer. Then Aaron recounts a telemarketing nightmare call. Then Andrew parties with a 60 year old professor and O'Neill does not think this guy ruled even though Andy did. Then Andy learns harpsichord. Then Andy talks real life hobbits as O'Neill tries to remember hobbit names and can't.  O'Neill doesn't care about scientific discoveries and this infuriates Andy. Then O'Neill and Andy get into an epic argument about “what's better than the Opera”. Then O'Neill tells a classic story about a chain link fence. Then the boys come up with catch phrase for increasing the birth rate.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest Ryan taunts Andy with 2012 Los Angeles home prices. Then Ryan talks about the organ thief conspiracy facing hospitals while Andy talks about how to measure fat guy's inseam. Then Andy wants to work out at dude's only naked gym but he can't seem to sell O'Neill on the idea. Then they talk about how showing the b-hole is the ultimate path to financial freedom. Then Andy f's up a friend's joke he's trying to plug. Then they talk about how gross wearing sneakers inside during the 80's and 90's was. The gang read's Elbert's Freddy Got Fingered review and lose it at how mad it made Ebert. Then O'Neill brags about eating French cookies that only have 4 grams of sugar in them. Then O'Neill borrows one of Andy's DvD and sticks it in a toaster. Then the boys come up with an idea for medicine that works BETTER when you drink and O'Neill talks about how bad old people blew it.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest Ryan gets mad at Andy for hogging the intro then he gets even madder that Andy won't listen to his sexy deep voice. O'Neill goes for a jog in a wildfire and pollen clouds and the complains his throat is sore. Andy reveals O'Neill's hidden piss spots and they aren't quite as wildernessy as O'Neill has made it seem. Then Andy does his own taxes and becomes miserable much to Ryan's chagrin. The boys come up with a new screenplay idea for a movie called Trunk Driver where the fatal flaw of the main character can only consume “high quality ingredients”. Then Andy thinks the movie Flight was a documentary. Then they talk suspicious celebrity deaths. There's some Tesla battery mishap talk and Ryan is concerned about Andy falling to doody play. Then Ryan chastises Andy's writing ability. Ryan then thinks all of Andy's psychological problems come from the movie Over The Top. There's a fight about consumerism in Christmas and Andy goes to church. Then O'Neill comes up with a romantic way for both of the boys to take a dump together. Something bad happened to Andy when he was in preschool and O'Neill tries to get to the bottom of it.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest The boys get banned from every single short story subreddit on the internet.  The Whassup Man of Reddit tries to post his old spooky story on Reddit and people get pissed. Then O'Neill suggest they post their spooky stories on assassins' forums on the dark web. Then they talk robotaxi nonsense. Then they make Aaron read the spoooky story and he makes Andy choke when he gives the story his rating.  Then they create a version of the sitcom Home Improvement where Al gets dark. Then there's some very critical HOA talk. Then there's a spooky Halloween HOA story teaser everyone will enjoy!

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest O'Neill is furious that people believed aliens did cattle mutilations. Then Andrew is equally furious when identical twins are not revealed and the boys write a Randy Newman song about it.  O'Neill thinks it is a million dollar idea. Then they talk about how to use 700 lb kids to protect classrooms.  Then Andy introduces Ryan to the Alternate History subreddit and it makes him very sad. Then Aaron has an unbelievable theatrical experience. And Ryan explains his crashing of his old school's graduation. 

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest The boys debate which drugs count as party drugs. Andy has cocaine on his toenail but won't come clean about it. The gang fondly recounts Ari Shaffir doodie stories. Andy finds out that Apple Podcasts had been transcribing portions of the show as “fun” previews to entice people but they look even more unhinged. Ryan is back from Skankfest with some news!  Then he recounts his next door neighbors fighting relentlessly, a dog pisses all over O'Neill's feet and a YouTube comment blows him away. Andy gets a new job painting lady dongs.  Then Andy has sex ed from a nun and she won't answer any of his questions. Then they both reminisce about setting fires as children.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest  O'Neill is frantic to get all the facts about Diddy's sex parties and he's full of plenty of “I Told You So's”. Then Andy and Ryan come up with a way to get away with nearly anything legally. Then O'Neill blows Andy's mind when he tells him there's buttfuckin' at the rub and tug. Then there's some pilot talk. Then they come up with a new business idea of hunting down short make celebrities and spanking them. Then they come up with a fool proof way to cheat on someone that falls apart completely under the tiniest scrutiny. Then it's time to vote on the Toy Hall of Fame. Then the boys remember the late great Eric Hites.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest Andy tries to buy O'Neill some fake Christmas skis. Then he gets shamed for wanting to go short skiing. There's some ball eating parrot talk. Then they talk about having a clear room for priests so they're not up to no good. Aaron's confessional priest had Cheeto's breath. O'Neill refuses communion because of ocd then he humble brags about how much ass he could kick in Hell. Then Andy gets political about American blow jobs while O'Neill talks about trying to make VooDoo the new mainstream religion. Andrew gets tricked by a Hare Krishna and then by a ninjutsu master. Then RFK beheads a whale and O'Neill loses his mind about it.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest Ryan gets run off the road and tries cat meat for breakfast. Big Earl dances in a cage with pee pee stains on his undies. Andrew remembers the time he drank 18 Hornsby' s Hard Apple Ciders and later having to go to campus alcohol counseling. Ryan wants to build and Android body guard. Then they talk about banging in the Peace Corps and how to make the most of it. Then fans leave Amazon reviews mentioning Slop Quest and they are 100% pure gold. 

FREE EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest Andy and Ryan barely survive the Southern California heatwave until O'Neill decides to go jogging in 110 degree heat. Then Andy finds out about a new juicy class action lawsuit of dorks versus Only Fans chat services. Ryan decides on what books to read based on the number of pages they are. There's some chimp talk then medieval dudes wear backwards hats. Then we try to use parody laws to get away with any illegal. Then Aaron gets into a brutal softball situation with some bad hombres. Finally, we get an amazing Gathering of The Juggalos report from deep on the scene.

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest The show opens with Ryan chastising Andy for being distracted, then shows him a spider bite that hasn't healed and may be giving him powers. Then Ryan contemplates performing self surgery to open his spider wound and see what's inside. Then Ryan has an idea to help people that Andy find extremely questionable. The boys then break down Bill Gates' insane insistence that  he be allowed to keep hanging out with Epstein. Andy finds a family that gets poisoned by AI. Then Andy takes the lion's share of an emotional damages court finding over O'Neill's death then he stumps Ryan with a Shakespeare quote. There's some race car belt talk that leads to belt business ideas. Ryan tries to do a dental cleaning on Andy with no gloves. Then they talk about how to keep tricking their wives into finding them attractive.  And finally, Big Earl misses the Big Game. 

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest We open with the Secret Service taking a dump in Ryan's apartment. Then he freaks out about having to help a president or vice president take a dump outside as a secret service agent. The O'Neill rewatches the Police Academy kids' cartoon and they talk about other rated R movie properties that got turned into children's shows.  Then they go through the staggering amount of Police Academy productions that came out in a row. O'Neill's buddy ends up on Porter County Cops a localized version of “Cops”. Then Andy finds a hilarious medical device on Amazon that is so horribly translated that they can help but read all the instructions. Then they talk about idiotic bank robbing strategies.  Andy's friend can't drive stick and has a panic attack on the highway driving a muscle car. Then our good pal Tracy finds a “Psychic Defense” class and the gang goes crazy!

FULL EP HERE: https://www.patreon.com/slopquest We open with the Secret Service taking a dump in Ryan's apartment. Then he freaks out about having to help a president or vice president take a dump outside as a secret service agent. The O'Neill rewatches the Police Academy kids' cartoon and they talk about other rated R movie properties that got turned into children's shows.  Then they go through the staggering amount of Police Academy productions that came out in a row. O'Neill's buddy ends up on Porter County Cops a localized version of “Cops”. Then Andy finds a hilarious medical device on Amazon that is so horribly translated that they can help but read all the instructions. Then they talk about idiotic bank robbing strategies.  Andy's friend can't drive stick and has a panic attack on the highway driving a muscle car. Then our good pal Tracy finds a “Psychic Defense” class and the gang goes crazy!