Sean Healy: Tools

How are you showing up over the areas of your life? Does your business, job, career consistently get the best of you? If you end up over time giving all your energy, focus, attention, empathy and patience to your work environment then what comes home? Whilst listening to an episode of Esther Perel's podcast series How's Work, she mentioned the idea of work getting Best Self and home getting Worse Self or something to that effect. This to me fitted alongside the idea of Over Functioning at work and Under Functioning at home, just a different angle. I highly recommend both Esther's podcast series by the way! Even the most healthy personal relationships experience ups and downs. This means that we need to be mindful about what our personal life and those in it are getting from us. Home should be a place to rest, renew and drop the public persona. If however that is all we end up doing there then chances are things are going to decline. A certain amount of time, energy, joy and enthusiasm needs to be invested in a life area if we want it to continue to thrive. This episode looks at the danger of becoming polarised in how we show up in certain life areas. This area to me can be a real blindspot for some and I hope this episode helps.

Potentially the greatest place of leverage in having an even better life is in improving your relationship with yourself. We live with ourselves twenty-four hours a day, so would it be a terrible idea to prioritise self-work that helps you further develop an overall sense of positive self-regard? You can improve your sense of feeling that you are enough and at the same time recognise that you have areas to work on. What self-care routines work best for you and how consistent with them are you? Do you think about yourself and your life goals as much as you fixate on what others should and shouldn't be doing? Are you as organised as you could be? How do you use alcohol, drugs, business and relationships? There are a number of ways to continue to improve your relationship with yourself and when we do, we enhance our relationships with those around us and with life. This episode explores some of the aspects of improved self relating.

One of the key aspects that we should be learning from our family as we grow is how to be a healthy individual and also how to be healthily part of a family unit. The ability to move between selfness and togetherness, in a way that doesn't compromise us is powerful. However when we feel that closeness in the family is more like being swallowed up then we either run away in some form or perhaps resentfully comply. Enmeshed families can demand that closeness comes with conditions. Don't disturb how we do things here! Enmeshed families can demand that we all think the same, behave the same and don't call out any of the dysfunction you see. Guilt, shame and obligation become large aspects of how a family like this operates. This episode looks at some of the things that we can do to really begin to be in our family system in more genuinely loving ways. How do I be more myself around those who love me and work towards increasing my own sense of self-approval?

How can we spend more time being present for self and less in other people's business? One way to stay out of the anxiety of dealing with self is to spend all our time focusing on what others should be doing. If I am always fixated on how to help others then I get to avoid dealing with my issues.In Robin Norwood's excellent book Women Who Love To Much, she makes reference to the sunny side of control: “I will manage my anxiety by rescuing you, advising you and doing for you.” This can come with a great deal of approval from others and we get to look good. Whilst we may look good and get approval we may also be causing others to under function because we are doing for them what they actually could do for themselves.It can be challenging to watch others engage in areas of life that we are convinced we have a better way for them. We may feel that it is just easier and quicker to do it for them. This addresses the immediate stress but creates more in the long run.Many people who are chronic rescuers find that whilst they have all the answers for how others should live, they are baffled when it comes to themselves. It is important to take back self-focus, attend to one's own experience and tune into one's own emotional space and stick with it even if at first it is anxiety-provoking.

There are a number of factors that would appear to boost the chances of having a relationship that continues to be healthy and successful over time. One such element is the degree to which you continue to be aware of your partner's emotional experience. The longer we stay together the more likely that we will both change, grow and develop whether we intend to or not. The person you started in relationship with may not be exactly who you experience today. It is vital that we continue to invest interest and time into our partner. The more awareness and presence we can bring means we can avoid stumbling into relational blowups and being baffled as to "how did we get here?" Emotional attunement also allows us to put the brakes on when the challenging discussion is escalating into real damage to the relationship territory. It allows us to see when our partner is beginning their repair attempts and wanting to move back into relational harmony. It allows us to continue to be present for the moments of true love and intimacy.

There are so many distractions and responsibilities these days! One of the consequences is that, over time and often out of our awareness, we start to drift from our partner. Distance grows over time and connection can start to fade. This can mean that when inevitable challenges appear at our door or appear at the doors of those close to us, the relationship really experiences strain. Having fundamental positive regard for our partner, a genuine friendship with them is seen as one of the most base elements of long term successful relationships and weathering effectively life challenges. However, if we aren't spending time together focused on continuing to really know one another then we can be weakening our relationship even though that is absolutely not what we wanted. This episode looks at how important it is to not get too far apart from one another for too long unless we want to risk losing our relationship over time.

Sometimes we can get so focused on being right in an argument and snowing someone else with the undeniability of our rational position that we forget to be mindful of their experience. If you have ever had the experience of being intellectually trampled so to speak by someone in a conflict or negotiation situation and how that left you feeling, you will know what I mean. How willing are you to want to engage again with that person if another situation of challenge arises? The really good negotiators and conflict specialists focus not only on the challenge at present but also on affirming the relationships between parties so that we will be willing to fight again on another day. Disagreement isn't unhealthy and can even promote deeper understanding, intimacy and effective solutions. How we disagree and how we leave each other feeling can mean I win now but lose later. This can be especially true if as a result of confrontation with me, you refuse to want to engage again or hold back on crucial information going forward because I am now perceived as too unpleasant to deal with. This episode looks at some of these aspects and being mindful of relationships.

When we are setting boundaries and limits around our own behaviour this actually leads to more opportunities and freedom in the long run. If we don't set limits around for example consumption of food and alcohol, great fun short term but over time will weaken us and impact health as well as energy levels. How well am I actually being accountable to myself? Am I setting myself tasks to achieve and then finding loopholes or excuses so that my personal to-do list still seems to have the same jobs on it as a month ago or even longer, ha, ha! I sometimes find it easier to function and stay on track on behalf of others, but when it comes to doing for me I am always letting myself off the hook. This episode looks at how setting those self boundaries and then adhering to them consistently will result in us getting more of what we want in the long term.

Part of going after a meaningful goal is the things I am willing to give up in order to prioritise my goal. In the course of my career, I have had the privilege to have taught and worked with many successful people who have had to make certain sacrifices to get where they want to go. The effort becomes part of the reward if we have chosen what we will pursue wisely. It can be very challenging to fix your time, effort and resources on achieving something and when you get there, it doesn’t provide you with the personal payoff or payoffs you thought. I have personally achieved a number of things in my life that didn't actually provide for me all that I thought they would or the joy of achievement was short-lived. Time is of the essence and when goal setting we need to examine the drivers behind the goal. What will I choose to let go of in order to prioritise the selected goal and what structures need to be in place to achieve the goal? This episode explores some of these questions so that we can use the precious time we have available as effectively as possible.

What am I drawn to in others that grabs my attention in either positive or negative ways? Is what I am attracted to or repelled by in others actually an opportunity to acknowledge an aspect in myself. Through the process of growing up we may find that elements of our being have been under-expressed or not permitted due to the family system we grew up in. For example, I may find that I am drawn to and have a fascination with carefree, go with the flow people. Part of the fascination is a calling to acknowledge and allow myself to embrace my fun free, hedonistic self more fully than I have been doing. However, I may have grown up in a family system that overtly or covertly sent the message that hard work and seriousness were what was acceptable and valued by the family. Fun and enjoying life is trivial rather than of vital importance to developing the wholeness of self. On the flip side, if I find myself disapproving of the behaviour of another, I can ask myself ‘where am I doing the same thing in my life?’ You spot it, you got it type approach. This episode is about viewing others as an opportunity to turn the lens back on self so as to embrace and integrate a more complete self.

This episode looks at some of the little focuses that successful people prioritise in pursuit of their goals. Life is challenging sometimes and staying on track can be a task all of its own. In this episode we look at a few touchpoints that if consistently engaged in can bring great reward. I hope you enjoy the program and find it helpful.

This episode draws on some of the work of Bowen Family systems author and therapist Roberta Gilbert. The episode looks at some of the navigating principles that we can employ to support in the roller coaster journey of seeing our children successfully through to adulthood. How do we prepare in advance for the amazing highs and anxiety-provoking lows. How can we ensure that we are building our children up and not unintentionally undermining their long term success? I hope that you find this episode a helpful resource and certainly recommend checking out the book: Connecting With Our Children by Roberta Gilbert.

If we are serious about having long term healthy relationships then we need to be able to have potentially challenging conversations. Even the most successful relationships are faced from time to time with anxiety, stress and temptation. Life has a way of sometimes making our best-laid plans and ideas look trivial. As a couple, can we commit to being willing to work on our fight form? How as a couple do we improve bringing up the topics that are tough and risk a heated exchange? Can we work as a team on how we could have handled that last argument better? Are there daily tasks that are a source of irritation that we are trying to ignore? How long can we ignore those daily irritations before they build into a major explosion in the relationship that is way harder to work through? This episode explores some of these questions and more.

Little successes achieved consistently over time can build themselves into something quite significant. It is important to recognise and celebrate the little wins along the way. If we have multiple goals over multiple areas of our life then we can draw on success in one area to motivate us in another area where things don't seem to be moving as quickly as we would like. Additionally, as success can compound into something amazing over time little stresses, friction points and sources of anxiety left unaddressed build too. If we try to avoid what we know at some point will become unavoidable then you are really doing yourself, and possibly others, a great disservice. Life can be challenging enough sometimes without waiting till our backs are against the wall. As uncomfortable as it can be it is best to get in as early as possible whilst we aren't too emotionally reactive or our resentment has built to a point where it has reduced our thinking clarity. Give the little wins their due and celebrate them. Give the little stresses their due and address them before they can grow. This episode looks at the compounding of both success and stress. I hope you find it helpful!

This episode focuses on an aspect of relating patterns known as Emotional Cutoff. When we choose or feel forced to cut someone out of our lives. There are times to go low or no contact of course, and with certain more low conscious types, it’s probably important. However when we cut someone out of our lives or refuse any contact it might reduce the immediate sense of anxiousness but add to long term friction. We may not talk to someone for months and then reunite without addressing the original issue, or we may geographically distance but still find that we mentally obsess over the person even though we don't see or speak with them directly. This episode explores a number of elements and potential consequences of emotional cutoff.

Continuing on with exploring how we do us in relating and in particular: 'what is my contribution to us?' Spotting one's own contribution particularly when relational anxiety is up, isn't always easy. We can become aware of how seemingly emotionally reactive our partner is whilst not being tuned into how we are coming across. We can become critical and focused on point-scoring at the expense of the relationship’s overall health. We can focus on what our partner needs to do rather than on what I need to do. In times of relational harmony, have we taken the time as a couple to agree to the guidelines of how specifically we will argue? Importantly if we have, then under pressure do we adhere to them or feel we are justified to break the rules we set up. Can we step away if things are amplifying unproductively and just as importantly finish challenging discussions later rather than sweep them under the carpet?

Generally, when you listen to couples going through relational challenges you can hear a fixation on their partner's present shortfalls or an over fixation on their own while their partner is faultless. We can overly blame other or overly blame self but any attempt to adjust in a relationship from that limited focus alone is likely to only temporarily (at best) relieve relational stress. Short term, emotionally reactive adjustments that are designed to get back to momentary relational calm can be actually building to long term relational strain and distance. This episode looks at one of the automatic patterns utilised by couples to manage intimacy, closeness, anxiety and general family system pressure. If we can observe relating patterns and label them then we are at a choice point about what, if anything, we would like to do. Can I clearly see my part and your part in this dynamic from a calm position? It takes two to engage in a relational pattern and often a host of supporting others. This episode pattern of relating is focused on over-functioning and under-functioning in relationship. I hope you find it helpful!

Ask me to be present for another person in their moment of perceived failure and I am there with love, compassion, support and nurture. I’m full of encouragement and able to see effectively where they have done better than they presently believe. However, in my moments of perceived failure, I take a very different approach! The automatic go to seems to be one of critical self-disgust, self frustration and anything else I can think of in the moment to metaphorically punish myself for! It's amazing how quickly I can go historical and bring up a mountain of other perceived failures to throw in my own face! Apparently, this is meant to help, ha, ha! This episode looks at giving to self and approaching self in a way that we would do with others. How can I get to more self-compassion, self-support and self-love? It is quite possibly in the moments where I most want to deny myself my own loving compassion that it is most needed.

The idea that the more we love someone the more skilled at mind reading we become causes more problems than it solves! "You should know what I need if you really loved me!" This isn't helpful and in part stems from childhood where it was our parent's job to interpret our requirements. Depending on your family system that often didn't work so well either! Healthy dynamics involve communication and willingness to clarify. As we grow and mature our needs change and also how specifically our needs get met. It is fantasy to think that even with the best fit person for you, that they will magically always be in alignment with you and one step ahead of your requirements. Something of that nature is probably closer to unhealthy enmeshment than to separate adults willingly forming a relationship together and continuing to commit to the relationship as it evolves over time. This episode looks at how the mind-reading assumptions that can appear in relationship dynamics get in the way of healthy relationship communication.

One indicator that you may need to access the kind of relationship you are in is seemingly radical relating swings. The relationship brings you both the highest highs and lowest lows. How can someone treat me so well one moment and so horribly the next? When they are good and showering us with attention it feels amazing and then when they withdraw and freeze us out it feels like such a lonely and desolate place. How can one person be so charming and then so hateful? The confusion that ensues can engulf us and keep our attention distracted from the fact that they say all the right things and do none of them! This episode looks at the emotional roller coaster effect of these radical swings in relating and their potential impact on our well being.

When anxiety rises in the relationship, each person’s automatic anxiety management patterns start to get easier to see. One member of the relationship starts to go into fix-it mode and the other starts to shut down. Perhaps instead of talking to each other about the present points of friction, we start to complain to third parties. It may become so predictable that you already know who your partner will go to first to complain about you to. On the flip side, they probably know who your first go-to person is to. If we have children together then we may find that to distract from the growing distance and tension we become overly involved in our children's lives. This episode looks at some of these autopilot patterns for the purpose of giving us more clarity and control in continuing to work towards healthier relating. This episode draws from some Bowen Family Systems theory and in particular Bowen Family Systems author Roberta M. Gilbert. I would certainly recommend her work when seeking to have a better understanding of the patterns that drive our relationships and family system.

There are many ways in which we can give ourselves away and not provide adequate self-support. We are human and compassion for self is required when exploring this area of life. What did I learn from my family system about choosing togetherness and the temporary approval of others at the expense of my self-approval? This has significant ramifications in both our professional and personal lives. In this episode, we look at a couple of self-abandonment categories, namely emotional self-abandonment, financial self-abandonment and physical self-abandonment. What did we learn in these areas both directly and indirectly from our families in these areas? Gaining insight into how our past family system experience isn't for the purpose of blame but rather to allow us to more readily choose how we want to take control of our lives going forward. How much and how well am I actually showing up in my own life, rather than just following a bunch of scripted rules and expectations I picked up in childhood? May you have every success and joy in your life journey!

When we first get into a relationship the conversational exchanges can be highly invigorating, fascinating and rewarding! Over time, however, they can become less so, if we don't continue to make them a priority. We can benefit from meaningful exchanges with multiple others so that the burden of our emotional well being is not placed squarely in the hands of our partner. However, if we begin to find that conversations of significance are progressively being had with a person or persons other than our partner, then this could be a red flag. Am I continuing to make time to share with my partner things that are significant to me and continuing to invite them to share with me? So many distractions, social media and vigorous workplace exchange can over time make me neglectful of remaining present to my relationship. This episode looks at this topic and what we can do to avoid accidentally putting our relationship under threat.

There are a number of dysfunctional relating patterns that we can fall into over time in our romantic relationships. These patterns lower desire and build frustration and resentment. Some examples of adults falling into a parent to child style of relating are the Peter Pan and Wendy Syndrome and/or what's known as paying your partner's mummy or daddy bill. I want a partner who meets all my needs without me having to do much. I want a partner that heals all the wounding of my childhood. I want someone to look after me so that I don't have to be burdened by the job. Choosing to become part of a couple means that whilst you hold onto a healthy sense of separateness, you also agree to contribute to the ‘us’ and togetherness side of the relationship. This means compromise and willingly shouldering some responsibility. This episode looks at some of the parent/child like rut that we can fall into and the way it can erode healthy vibrant adult to adult relating.

We spend so much time in our lives but rarely allocate space to specifically observe how we are using our time. Time is a non-renewable resource so how it is spent can become very significant and precious. However, it is easy to slip into habits, get lost on the internet or have time simply seem to vanish on us. Conducting an audit may help us to become aware of small adjustments that could yield big returns to our life quality. This episode also looks at the misperception that in the future you'll have more time. The habits, perceptions and structure you have around time at present are more than likely going to be the same unless you make some adjustments. Unless you refine your relationship with life in your present set of circumstances, going forward and achieving more can actually lead to you feeling more time pressure and not less.

Depending on the type of family system we grew up in, one of the things we learned was that telling others what to do was the way to feel less anxious. When you behave and think as I want you to then I can feel ok. This episode looks at the belief that we can control the way others think, feel and behave. Sometimes it works but rudely people then start thinking for themselves again! I want the people around me to be confident and free-thinking as long as your expressions of confidence are sanctioned by me and meet with my approval. The closer I am to you the more likely your behaviour will become anxiety-producing to me from time to time. So we can try our luck and turn ourselves inside out shaping others or we can begin by first assessing our reactiveness. It is my job to regulate me. Once I have assessed and gained insight into what my reaction is evoking in me, I can proceed with greater calmness and clarity. I imagine that this would maximise my chances of success in promoting the most healthy and genuine relational experiences, going forward.

Growing up some of us learned that the way to seek love, validation and approval was to give, give, give. We may have even gotten really skilled at anticipating and meeting the needs of others before they themselves even became aware of what they needed. Over fixation on others can lead to resentment and exhaustion in us especially as we wait in vain for someone to give to us. When is it your turn? It can get so that we can become uncomfortable with receiving. We get so skilled at looking after everyone else that when it comes to meeting our own needs and wants we can end up drawing a blank or feeling guilty. This episode looks at healthy and unhealthy care, as well as how we can begin to focus on loving ourselves, approving of ourselves instead of chasing after others all the time in the off chance that we will get some crumbs of love and appreciation.

At first, it's as if we can't get enough of one another. Can't spend enough time together, can listen to our partner speak for hours, crave their touch and attention. However, the allure of our cherished one and their mutual fascination on us starts to drop away with the demands of life. If we aren't mindful we start to have less and less moments where we feel seen, known and heard by our partner. Eventually, we can be in a relationship and yet feel alone. This episode looks at the importance of continuing to make intimate exchange a priority in a world of multiple demands so that our relationship remains a place of ongoing love and emotional nourishment.

Families can be intense and sometimes overreact emotionally to certain situations that present themselves. When we grow up in emotionally intense families we can experience family members becoming highly anxious about our life choices. Emotional outbursts, uninvited advice-giving, ridicule and talking behind other family members backs about them can end up being the order of the day.  The emotional education we directly or indirectly received in our childhoods can have a huge influence on our present-day adult relationships and even affect our professional environments. This episode looks at some of the tools we may need to help us have more fulfilling adult relationships and manage emotional overreacting in ourselves and others more effectively.

Our family system has its own way of dealing with issues of intimacy and anxiety. One of the ways in which we find our place in our family system is to take on roles. These roles have unhealthy and healthy expressions. They can serve to keep the family enmeshed and family anxiety suppressed.  The more challenged or dysfunctional the family, the more fixed the roles can get. Someone in the family may get cast as the troubled, messed up one whilst a sibling becomes the golden child.  These roles, although they feel quite comfortable at times, can interfere with our ability to truly be ourselves around our family. In turn, what we learn in our family of origin we then can play out in our intimate adult relationships and professional lives.

In family systems that are too enmeshed any stand one makes for self even if it is perfectly reasonable can trigger anxiety in the family system.  One way in which you can be pushed back into the fold, so to speak, is to be guilted back into behaving like everyone else again. What do you mean you're not coming to dinner? Everyone else will be there! Mom will be so disappointed!  Don't you think about others? Learning how to make a stand for self in a healthy mature way, whilst remaining connected is one of the most vital skills we can develop. Learning the difference between the things we are genuinely guilty over compared to triggered guilt that serves the family enmeshment is essential for self-clarity.

I don't know about anyone else, but the fairy tales that I heard as a child tended to promise that after the initial barriers to love were beaten, it was happy ever after! I thought all you had to do was find your soul mate and the rest would be easy!  The reality is somewhat different and it turns out that if you want your relationship to continue to be meaningful, some expectations of effort need to be still met. When a couple hasn't had discussions about expectations and standards in a relationship that are measurable, it is easy to lose our way. Setting agreed-upon standards, committing to those standards and regular check-ins can really be vital to staying together in a meaningful way. This episode explores the value of standards in supporting, long term healthy relating.

When I'm feeling more confident then I will take on the world! Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work as well that way. As a person who likes to find the easiest way out, no one is more disappointed than me about this. Genuine, informed confidence comes from engaging in the world, braving to risk even if that means facing temporary failure. Through taking risks and succeeding my confidence in myself and my abilities grows. Through taking risks and falling short but working out how to move through that, my confidence grows. Action both informs and refines. As a result, my confidence grows but also has substance behind it. This episode looks at the relationship between building confidence and educated risk-taking. How can I stack the deck in my favour? 

I find it so interesting how many successful people have managed to turn adversity and their own self-limitations into something that works for them or that they can work around. We all have areas of life or aspects of our personalities that we see as not up to par. The relationship and strategies that we utilise to address where we feel weak can be the difference between getting where we wish to go and falling short. In this episode, we explore this topic and some ways to integrate our limitations so that we can have greater success in life, love and business.

It is one thing to get to the top of your chosen profession and a whole other ball game to stay there. The majority of individuals who reach their chosen idea of success might make it, but very few actually sustain that level. This episode looks at some of the pitfalls that can get in the way of staying at the top. How do we get in our own way? What can we do to ensure that what we have built is sustained?

With every idea of success, you can generally find individuals who have employed different strategies to get to the same place. The great thing about books and the internet is they provide us with so much information and so many ways to get where you want to go. The downside of having the internet and thousands of books on success is that they provide us with so many ways to get where we want to go. This episode looks at some of the fundamentals that seem to appear more often than not in how people do well at life. For example: More often than not people have had a mentor or mentors along the way. More often than not people have gotten further in life by having the right people around them personally and professionally. This episode explores some of these elements and offers some areas of focus to help you achieve your goals in a best-fit way for you.

Money issues are one of the largest points of friction for couples. This episode looks at some of the things that can be implemented to make money more a source of joy than pain in our relationships. Couples can clash over a number of factors around money but one, in particular, is around its allocation and spending choices. Do we save or do we splash out on a holiday? Being able to schedule consistent, open and focused discussions on money issues in your relationship without it ending in a massive blow-up is vital to long term relationship health and survival. This episode looks at some of the areas that if attended to in advance can help to avoid emotion-fueled clashes.

Sometimes the messages we received about success in our childhood feed into our drives as an adult. Am I succeeding for me or because it is what I believe others have wanted for me? Messages like "Be Perfect!", "Mistakes aren't tolerated!" and other such versions of these mean that we can be driven to excel past levels that actually return sufficient joy.  It can be important to reflect on the sometimes crippling downside of perfect, so that we can ease up on ourselves and actually enjoy life and what we have accomplished in it.

A small aspect of the population who aren't bothered by guilt, shame and remorse in the ways that most of us are, seek relationships of self opportunity and exploitation. Many of these individuals thrive just below the line of detection and have worked hard to get their exploitation game refined. There are many elements to these challenging individuals and the way they approach life. This episode looks at how they seek vulnerability as a doorway to move into our lives and businesses for their own purposes. This may be through detecting or eliciting emotional vulnerability or through situational vulnerability where life circumstances have left us exposed in some way. There are many amazing people working and studying in the area of Low Conscience Individuals but I wanted to acknowledge in particular Sandra Brown and Jennifier Young who have written the excellent book 'Women who love Psychopaths". I hope you find this episode informative.

When it is time for the kids to leave home and we are faced with the empty nest there are a number of elements to consider. This episode is about addressing some of the areas that you may need to plan for ideally ahead of time. How does our identity and interaction with our child begin to move from just parent to child exchange to adult to adult exchange? How will we negotiate time spent together and when to catch up? Now that the kids have left, how will you now best structure your time? Are you and your partner now having to rediscover each other after relating through the kids for so long, what will that look like? These and other elements for exploration are addressed in episode 126 and for those of you facing this phase. I hope it aids in navigating this transitional phase as elegantly as possible!

Have you ever experienced or know someone who has an abrupt end to a relationship you thought was going well? It may be because you had a couple of strikes against you but they weren't communicated. In a business apart from a clear set of dos, don'ts and performance expectations, there is often some sort of warning or strikes system. If you transgress in such a way that your standing in the business has been impacted but not enough to be fired, you get a warning. A warning lets us know where we now stand and gives us an opportunity to course-correct. This is vital if we hope to remain in the business long term. Sometimes in relationships, either ourselves or our partner wounds the relationship. The relationship takes a hit but not enough to end it. It is vital to communicate relationship strikes otherwise we don't get the chance to course-correct. Avoiding the conversation so as to not cause hurt is likely only to end in causing more hurt later. This episode looks at the idea of relational strikes and how they can aid or destroy our relational success.

There is a small percentage of the population that are not influenced as much as the rest of us by guilt, shame, anxiety, behaviourally appropriate boundaries, remorse and excessive empathy.  Whilst they are small in number if you are unfortunate enough to find yourself entangled with them in a business or personal dynamic of significance then the damage can be great. Unlike in the movies where, as an audience member, it is made clear or clarity develops as to motives of exploitation of certain individuals, real life isn't that way. Those that are seeking relationships of exploitation rely on a number of strategies to keep that hidden. This episode looks at some of the ways in which these individuals exploit, strategise, misdirect and charm their ways into our lives and businesses sometimes with devastating consequences.

The irony is that the individuals that we deal with in our business and personal lives that we most need firm boundaries with are the people who are most likely to completely ignore our boundaries. The majority of the population respond well to boundary clarification and are willing to work towards better more mutually compatible relationship and project outcomes. However, more research is emerging regarding low conscience or character disordered individuals who have made ignoring, violating or avoiding the healthy boundary requests of others an absolute art form. This art form not only requires an ability to violate boundaries and get away with it but also to excel in detection and accountability avoidance. Some of the individuals leading the way in this area of study that I wish to acknowledge are Dr David Scharch, Sandra Brown, Jennifer Young, Robert Hare, George Simon, Kent Kiehl not to mention a host of others.

This episode looks at ways to help our brain assess states of effectiveness and high performance. How often are we attempting to focus on work and yet our mind is drifting off to thoughts of the weekend? On the flip side when the weekend finally arrives and it's time to relax we can't keep the office out of our minds. What are some of the ways in which we can help the brain to stay in work mode when needed and also stay in play mode when it is time for rest and self-care. The techniques are easy; it's just making sure we stick to them consistently so as to be able to get the most out of our brains as often as possible.

Sometimes we make vows or our partner does, to do better in the relationship going forward. Great sentiment but with no substance on exactly how that looks, time and time again we can be left feeling deflated as nothing actually changes! This leads to resentment which can be a relationship and passion killer. When we agree to " what specifically "  trying harder looks like going forward then it is harder to be evasive. This episode is a little shorter than others but the topic of committing to evidence of how you or your partner are actualising your relational promises is vitally important to the ongoing longevity and happiness of the relationship.

If you grew up in an unhealthy family system of one form or another then you need to adapt and mould to try to survive your childhood. Some of those adaptations can end up being assets later however some get in the way of living a fulfilling and successful life as an adult. This episode looks at some of the potential areas a person may need to focus on in order to heal and have peace of mind. We can face challenges in feeling safe in intimate relationships or even just with people in general. Trauma triggers to manage as we overreact to experiences that others take for granted. We can develop a painful relationship with pleasure and seek to avoid or sabotage experiences that could bring us joy. This amongst other elements needs to be understood so that they can be effectively addressed. I hope you find this episode helpful!

Modern relationships are challenging and there are some many ways to get distracted and get off track as a couple. In this episode, I explore the exceptional framework of Dr Pat Allen, who is in my mind one of the most effective contributors to making modern relationships work. Dr Pat Allen identifies four key areas that are essential for couples to negotiate to keep the relationship on track. Those areas are Time, Space, Money and Play. In this episode I will look at little deeper into these areas and why it is important to set time aside to work through these points of focus. Anything that helps keep our relationship growing is well worth the effort and allocation of time to explore.

This particular expands on episode 117 by looking at boundary violations in the business setting. Depending on where you sit in the hierarchy of the business you are in will mean a potentially different approach to poor behaviour. The higher up you are the more power you have to demand what is allowable treatment for you and to police that. This episode deals with some of the elements you need to take into account when you aren't so high up the food chain. What can we do when we perceive we don't have as much power as we would like? How do we really get to a clarity of thinking and responding that will optimise success and reduce adverse expose? Boundaries, boundary setting and boundary maintenance is a growing field of understanding. I hope this episode helps.

People shouldn't annoy me, treat me poorly or violate my boundaries! The reality is that from time to time people can and do. This episode is dedicated to looking at some of the ways in which we can approach this inevitable situation in the most effective and healthy way. How specifically am I reacting to this perceived poor treatment and how do I get to a place of best thinking, feeling and reacting in response. I can't control what others will do but I can control what I can do. When we can foster a place of the calm adult within us, then we optimise the best change to respond going forward.

In this follow on episode regarding boundary dynamics, we continue with some of the themes from episode 114 and add some extra elements. Sometimes when we have a perceived boundary clash with another person it can be truly accidental. We all grew up in different family systems and had possibly different areas that were considered taboo and no go areas. Some of the areas that can differ around what is appropriate and what isn't are areas such as money, religion, politics and sex to name a few.  In our relationships, especially newer ones there is a natural process of finding out where the parameters are. In times like these, we are better served to embrace an approach of being open and enquiring rather than judgemental and ridiculing. Fostering the ability to be able to be respectful and curious about how another person has arrived at the boundaries they have can really foster deeper closeness and intimacy.