Married to Doctors

In this last episode of the Married to Doctors Podcast, Lara shares her hopes for her listeners in what they have gained from her show. Lara has increased the dialogue for physician families and physician spouses and became a voice for the physician family community. "I hope that throughout this podcast you have been able to go from pessimistic thinking, or a little bit more on the pessimistic side, to the optimistic side, as you have seen more possibilities for you and your physician marriage." -Lara McElderry  

In this podcast episode, Lara chats with Michelle Streeter, an IVF Support Coach, about their fertility journey while on the medical journey. Michelle shares her experiences and tips from what she has learned while navigating IVF, med school, and residency.  "One of the things about being married to doctors is that you have to learn to navigate that uncertainty and the shifts and changes that come with all the things. It's not to say I didn't do it begrudgingly sometimes, but that is part of the thing we did or didn't sign up for, right?" -Michelle Streeter

In this episode, Lara chats with Vanessa and Dr. Jeep Naum about intimacy and connection in medical marriages. The Naums help physicians save their marriage, family, and bank account. "I think the big part was we needed to get to the place where we were talking with each other. And that he could connect with my feelings of, 'Hey, look. I need help. We're in this family life together. I know your job is extremely important, but I need help too.'" -Vanessa Naum

In this flashback episode, Lara talks with Donna Rovito, editor of Physician Family Magazine. Donna shares some of her experiences being in a medical marriage for over 30 years and how the medical profession has evolved over time. Lara and Donna also discuss the importance of support for physician spouses and the best marriage advice Donna says she ever received. “As the spouse of a physician, there are so many ways that you can contribute to your community and to your own well-being that there's no reason for anybody to sit at home and feel bad and feel lonely because there is a huge support group out here and how ever you find that, however you find us, we're here.” -Donna Rovito

This replay episode jumps back to an earlier episode you may have missed if you are new here! Lara talks with marriage and family therapist Yasman Mostajeran about the relationship characteristics that often cause affairs, how to avoid attachment issues, and how to regain trust in a relationship that has suffered a betrayal. "The affair is a symptom of something happening in the relationship, so this is your opportunity to either rewrite your marriage and create a whole new story together and make it so much better, so much stronger than you were before, or throw your hands up in the air and give up and just let the relationship die.” - Yasman Mostajeran

Enjoy this episode on discussing the ways in which surgery life is and is not compatible with raising a family.   For more on the membership, visit www.marriedtodoctors.com

Happy Match Week! In this replay episode, Lara speaks with an anonymous couple who share their experience when they did not match to a residency program. They participated in the scramble, applied for research positions, and finally ended up where they needed to be as they embraced the journey. *The couple will be known as Jack and Lisa in this episode. Names are changed for privacy. “I applied to all the surgical subspecialties. I applied to prelim surgery spots. I applied to prelim medicine spots. I applied to anesthesia spots. I applied to EM spots. All of them. Literally every single open spot. Like I said, I think it was over 100 spots that I applied to.  So, anyways, it was a really stressful time. Very hard time.” -Anonymous 

Conversations around sex and intimacy can be awkward and difficult. But it can lead to a deeper connection. In this episode, Lara shares why talking about sex in your marriage is important, questions to think about, and how to bring up the conversation with your significant other. Inside the Married to Doctors Membership they will be doing a deep dive into sex and intimacy. Interested in joining in and learning from this conversation? Come join us inside the membership! "You matter. Your thoughts and feelings matter. Your opinion on your sex life matters. And it's ok to have that conversation with your spouse." -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara chats with Ed Coambs, a Couples Therapist specializing in Financial Therapy, on how attachment styles, childhood trauma, and more affects our medical marriage, specifically from a financial standpoint.  "One of the things we talked about is that we have different brains with different expectations. And as adults you would think we would think about this on a regular basis. But most couples don't really think about this as completely as they can. They don't always recognize just how different each person is in the couple. That you are inevitably going to have differences. And it's not that you have differences is the problem. It's how you work through them that matters." - Ed Coambs

Why should you work toward believing new things? Well, it's more than making resolutions. It is about becoming your best self. In this episode, Lara shares various phrases to be mindful of when working on believing new things.  We all have an idea of who we have been, who we currently are, and who we want to be. Tune in to this podcast episode to learn more about believing new things, how to be ok with where you are, and how to get to where you want to go. It all starts with a belief.  "I just want you to know that right now where you are, is ok. Because the more you can feel ok with where you start, the less judgement you're going to take in to making changes about yourself." -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara chats with fellow life coach Dr. Michelle Ofreneo about various principles that can help your physician family. Dr. Ofreneo also shares their love story, how she came to decide to become a life coach, and more.  "I think it's just you know this instruction book of these beliefs that we've had just from the past you're conditioned to think. That ya know, this is what a family is supposed to look like. This is what my spouse is supposed to do. Or I think when we see that that's optional and we let go of that, we then allow our spouse to be who they're going to be and truly accept and love them for who they already are rather than, almost like, I heard another coach say this, like almost like cheat on them with this idealized version of who they are." -Dr. Michelle Ofreneo, MD

Communication. This is one of the most common tips given when it comes to marriage advice. In this episode, Lara discusses a few different ways we communicate with each other, particularly when our medical spouse shares good news with us. "It is a beautiful feeling. If you've ever had that kind of support in your life, than you know what I'm talking about. When someone is really excited for you and the work that you are doing, and they are supportive of you." -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara discusses four thoughts for a more thoughtful holiday season. As you listen, consider what you are thinking, why you are thinking it, and why you believe what you do. Hope these thoughts help make your Christmas a more enjoyable holiday this year! "As people in relationships with physicians, we are multitasking. We have a lot going on, particularly if you're running your family and your household, as well. You're pulling off this holiday, and I just want to give you the option to consider a 'no'. Sometimes, a 'no' means more of 'yes' to the things that you really want to do." -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara talks with Wenny Lin about career resilience when married to a doctor. They discuss how to keep your career going throughout the medical journey. Wenny has some stellar wisdom to share on this topic. "Hey, maybe you have to take a pay cut because you've moved to a cheaper place to live. Maybe you have to take a less prestigious position now because you're the default parent. But these are all temporary. And that for every temporary challenge there could be new opportunities that arise. So I think that its good to go back to the big picture. What's important to you and what you're doing and what you have control over to achieve your goals." -Wenny Lin

Lara discusses five common thinking traps that people fall into. This episode will help you discover the power of the pause to help you through difficult situations. Utilizing these tips will help you become more in tune with your thoughts and thinking patterns so you can show up as the person you want to be in life. Don't get stuck in these common thinking traps! "I always like to say that when I encourage you to be curious, I don't want you to play dumb, like you have no idea ever. But, I do want you to show up with genuine curiosity. Like, 'Hey I know you love me, so why did you say that?'" -Lara McElderry

We all have the desire to feel seen and heard by our partners. In this episode, Lara speaks with Dr. Wally Goddard about bids for connection in marriages and relationships and how we can learn to correctly interpret those. Enjoy this replay from one of the first episodes recorded on Married to Doctors! "More often than we realize, we're making bids for connection with the people we care about. We're saying essentially, 'I'd like you to be part of my life.' And unaware that a bid has been made we often turn away, we're distracted, or we turn against. We say, 'I don't have time for that.'" -Dr. Wally Goddard

This episode is all about puppy training! Lara shares how six simple puppy rules can apply to relationships and relationships with ourselves. "Because I'm a marriage coach, and I talk about this stuff a lot, it's always on my mind. And I thought, Oh isn't interesting, how the same things I'm learning about puppy training go right a long with a marriage." -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara talks with Kristi and Blade Hargiss as their life has been turned upside down since Blade was diagnosed with cancer during his fourth year of medical school. We discuss how they are getting though this as a couple, a family, and a medical student. "I remember when he first came home and he said that there was potential for cancer, it was like 95 plus percent chance that he would have it, but they didn't have the full report back. I felt like I had been hit with a bucket of ice. Among everything else that we had on our plates, this was just like, are you kidding me? More? How are we supposed to handle this?" -Kristi Hargiss

In this episode, Lara discusses the Me, Marriage, and Medicine course starting this October and what to expect.  She also explores the topic of anger. "Is this really anger? Or maybe this is more resentful? Maybe what I really feel is guilt, ashamed, grief, fear, entitlement, victimization, fatigue, injustice, anxiety, hurt, or offended. Can you see how all of things fall under anger? But they actually mean different things." -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara discusses how we can be kind to ourselves. She looks at this topic through the lens of parenting and your physical appearance, but it can be applied to every situation. "And I also hope that you can love yourself. Not in an egotistical way, but in a way where you are speaking kindly to yourself. You know we want others to love us, to love our hair, to love our parenting. But, many time they do love us and they give us those compliments, and we're the ones that can't accept it because we haven't been kind to ourselves." -Lara McElderry

In today's episode, Lara shares 9 tips for handling difficult conversations around vaccines. Specifically, she speaks about how to approach interactions on social media when it comes to the COVID-19 vaccine.  "Who likes to hear that they're wrong, especially like an open platform like Facebook. Again, no one wants to be embarrassed. If you can keep them from being embarrassed, you're going to get a lot further." -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara shares experiences from others married to doctors on the tender topic of how the pandemic has affected their doctor-spouses. Specifically, the side affects we may see in them and ourselves. This topic recently came up in the Married to Doctors Facebook Group. Lara also shares a few thoughts on how we as humans have the gift of choice and can decide how we will respond to the challenges we face. "Someone's else response: I'm exhibiting the side effects. I told my husband I would probably always be a germaphobe. That I was sorry I was ruined. He was so fantastic with his response. It's ok if you're a germaphobe. You are not ruined. And that's where I got the titled for this podcast. I love that. You are not ruined." -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara walks you through an exercise to try when dealing with a difficult person in your life. We all have someone we are annoyed of or feel we should love them more than we do. So, grab a sheet of paper and walk through these exercises.  "What does it feel like when you've chosen not to love this person? Does it feel justified to you? Does it feel like it's the right thing? Does it feel crappy? Does it feel like a loss in your life? Does it feel empty or sad or dark or frustrating?" -Lara McElderry

Learn More about the Married to Doctors Retreat here. This episode explores how to love living in a new location, even if you will only live there for a short time.  Author, Melody Warnick, shares some wonderful insights and tips on how to feel rooted in a temporary home. 

Lara and Kendra Harvey discuss plans for the first-ever Married To Doctors Retreat that will be in Austin, TX October 12-15th.  Link to register:  https://courses.marriedtodoctors.com/Austin

In this episode, Lara discusses three ways to help YOU when your doc-spouse is stressed out. Whether it's exams, studying, boards, or patients, stress is inevitable. Lara also shares 10 thoughts to help combat the stress along the medical journey. "I really want you to try to have radical acceptance of who this person is you've married. And how they manage their time. How they do things." -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara shares Four Steps to Creating a Successful Boundary. She defines what the difference is between a request and a boundary. Learn how to hold to that boundary and even decide whether or not it should be a boundary. "So, a very clear boundary with an adult, might be if you choose to text and drive, I'm not going to ride with you in the car. Now the trick is, can you going to follow through on that. You have to be able to follow through on your boundary. Otherwise you're like the parent who lets them get away with it. They push their food around. Well, they only picked up their phone at the traffic light or when its safe, and you've let them kind of get away with it." -Lara McElderry Snag your freebie from this episode here... Four Steps to Creating a Successful Boundary

In this episode, Lara speaks with Sarah Scott, the mommy blogger behind The Scotty Style about all things parenting. Sarah discusses how to not yell at your kids, as well as, some of her best tips when it comes to parenting authentically. Sarah is married to a radiation oncologist and a mom of two.  "The number one reason, in fact perhaps the only reason in my opinion, that parents yell at their kids, is not because of the child's behavior, it's just because that we're stressed out. We're either stressed out or particularly triggered. Not everything triggers everybody. But for whatever reason, what ever your child did triggered you. Or, you're already at your base level right now because you're stressed." -Sarah Scott

In this episode, Lara discusses some personal experiences, how we process feelings, and ways we can balance our thoughts. She address what it means to assess your emotions with “And, Or, But… and It’s Possible.” Sadness, anger, loss, and pain are basic emotions of life. Dealing with them effectively can be a struggle and it can be tempting to act on those feelings right away. Often that impulse doesn’t fix the situation that caused the emotions. In fact, it may lead to more problems to deal with later on. So why not do something about it?  Giving yourself the space to question the state of your mind can drastically change your state of being and, when reciprocated, does the same for your significant others. Find out a few ways to balance your thoughts in this episode! "It's ok for me to be happy and sad, right? It's ok to have both of those emotions, and I don't necessarily have to choose. Maybe they are both true." -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara talks with Dr. Kate Mangona who shares some of her best tips when it comes to medicine, marriage, and money. Dr. Mangona shares from her personal experiences as a physician, mom, and coach. "I grew up being very frugal with how I spent my money, but also just wanting to save it and not necessarily invest it. And what I've learned from that is saving is not a way to build wealth. It's not a way to build legacy. It's not a way to create this blanket of security for your family." -Dr. Kate Mangona

In this episode, Lara speaks with Becky Hoschek, a life and mindset coach for moms building businesses and growing careers while raising kids. They discuss the challenging decision mothers make when it comes to whether or not (and when) to return to work. They also explore the idea of women wanting more beyond motherhood and discovering what they want. "There's some guilt that creeps in, in making wanting more mean that what you have isn't enough already. That you are not grateful. That you should be completely content with what you have. And we kind of make it mean something bad about ourselves." -Becky Hoschek

In this episode, Lara talks with Lauren Leedy, a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist, about taking care of our health through food during training and beyond! They discuss how healthy eating doesn't have to be hard for busy physician families. Lauren shares how to make the healthy choice the easy choice — including her 15-minute hack for a quick healthy meal and satisfying snacks to help our physician spouses stay full.   "What people struggle with with Nutrition. It that it just has become way too complicated. Like, it's so difficult to understand what we are supposed to eat and what we're not supposed to eat. There is just so much misinformation. And diet culture has destroyed a lot of people's relationship with food, and that really breaks my heart." -Lauren Leedy, Registered Dietitian Nutritionist

In this episode, Lara discusses the question, "Are you childish?" It actually has nothing to do with age or life experience, but everything about how we manage our feelings. She gives some life coaching tips on how we can become an emotional adult instead of relying on others to make us happy or secure. "So, what is our option? Our option is to become an emotional adult instead of an emotional child. Emotional adults take responsibility for our own feelings. This is the best news because than we aren't dependent on anyone else for our own happiness. We are much more empowered to create our own happiness." -Lara McElderry

It's ok to be happy! In this solo episode, Lara explores what is happiness, why we sometimes avoid it, and how to experience it more fully.  "So, we were just all happy and thankful and in a good place. And you know what my brain did? I swear if it didn't say, 'Lara, somethings coming. Whenever things get good, something bad always happens. There's always something on the horizon. Don't get too excited. Don't enjoy this too much. The bottom is going to fall out.'" -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara talks about how to handle things when other people judge you for having money. There are many assumptions and stereotypes that are made about physician spouses when it comes to finances. Lara helps us explore our own beliefs about money to address this issue. "Have you ever been told that you're just lucky to be married to a doctor? Did that go over well? Likely not. For me, it didn't go over well for a long time. I was like, what are you talking about? I married this guy who was going to be a math teacher. Ok? I didn't marry a doctor. What are you talking about luck? We had to go through bachelors degree, MCAT, med school, and all of these things, and six figure debt. You just immediately want to get into your story." -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara discusses how to fight like you love each other. Often it can be difficult to bring up hard conversations, we worry about our spouse's response. Lara shares four things to think about before having a hard conversation and other components to consider during that conversation. "So that's not really conversation, that's more of like, 'I'm going to tell them something.' So, if you're really wanting to have a conversation, try the thought that 'I'm willing to learn something new.'" -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara talks with Australian native Jeanette Del Zio about how around the world, being married to a doctor still requires sacrifice. Jeanette shares the highs and lows they've experienced as she juggled trying to balance her career and medical marriage marriage. Jeanette also discusses the process of the medical journey in Australia. "It's just the demands. I soon realized, I can't have my cake and eat it too. I can't have a healthy marriage. I can't have a very successful business where you know I'm making the big bucks and enjoying these amazing projects. And, also commute and have a surgical training husband. That doesn't gel." -Jeanette Del Zio

In this episode, Lara talks with Dr. Vanessa Calderón, MD, MPP about how we show up in our marriages. Everything from what it's like for physicians when they're choosing a specialty to how to help our doc-spouses who are on the frontlines with COVID-19. They also discuss how to be intentional with your thoughts in marriage through causal coaching. "Similar to emergency medicine, where I believe I can take care of anyone, anytime, with any complaint, it's the same thing with life coaching. Especially general life coaching, you show up with any problem, anytime and I can help you solve it. It's like emergency medicine but for the mind and for the soul." -Dr. Vanessa Calderón, MD, MPP

In this episode, Lara speaks with an anonymous couple who share their experience when they did not match to a residency program. They participated in the scramble, applied for research positions, and finally ended up where they needed to be as they embraced the journey. *The couple will be known as Jack and Lisa in this episode. Names are changed for privacy. "I applied to all the surgical subspecialties. I applied to prelim surgery spots. I applied to prelim medicine spots. I applied to anesthesia spots. I applied to EM spots. All of them. Literally every single open spot. Like I said, I think it was over 100 spots that I applied to.  So, anyways, it was a really stressful time. Very hard time." -Anonymous  Match Day and Moving Guide Download this FREE list of resources and be prepared for Match Day. You'll find resources to help you cover all your bases to prepare and then adjust to Residency Match: Match Day and Moving Guide.

In this episode, Lara talks with Dr. Jimmy Turner, MD of the Physician Philosopher and his wife Kristen Turner. They share about their marriage, family, entrepreneur life, and the benefits of life coaching. Dr. Jimmy Turner is a life coach for physicians and helps them recover from burnout. "And I think he was driven more towards, 'Ok I'm burnt out. I'm having a hard time. Maybe I should work towards retiring early.' And while that's probably still a goal, it's shifted a little in a more healthy perspective as he's learned through coaching and all these things how to take a step back and shift your perspective. He still loves practicing medicine....The goal doesn't have to be to get out of that. It's not like he's coaching people out of that. But that's the shift that I've seen that as you learn to deal with things and that other people struggle with it. The goal doesn't have to be to get out of it, it's really how to help other people deal with it." -Kristen Turner

Tune in to learn from the Leaders of Advocates for the American Osteopathic Association. In this episode, Lara talks with Caryn Tabby and Angela Kalcec about the purpose of the Advocates for the American Osteopathic Association (AAOA) and what they do. They also discuss why these types of organizations exist and why physician spouses should care about them. "Trying to help relationships stay strong. I think that is kind of our main focus. So, by being there as a resource to somebody who is having a difficult time or is having to move the fifth time, we're there to explain you're not alone. You're not the only one going through this. I have 10 other people you could talk to to help you through this particular experience." -Caryn Tabby

It's Lara's birthday! In this episode, Lara shares 5 fun facts about herself. So, tune in and learn more about your podcast host and one-on-one coach for physician spouses. Lara also discusses more about her new group coaching course, Me, Marriage, and Medicine. The course starts Feb 1st and goes for 14 weeks. "You know me, come on, I'm Lara McElderry. I have spoken all over the country to medical schools and I have a podcast that comes out every week. You're probably familiar with that. I have five sons, I've been married about 20 years. It will be 20 years in October. And I absolutely love coaching people." -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara talks with Rho Thomas, an attorney and financial coach, about managing high figure debt in your marriage. They discuss why physician families don't often pay attention to their debt, personal finances, and financial independence. Rho also shares tips on where to start when your debt seems overwhelming and how to work with your significant other in financial goals.  "When we are in a position where we are bringing in good income, we are still able to cover all our needs and then even get some of the things we want, than you're not feeling that pinch. When you're not paying attention as closely as you could be." -Rho Thomas

Sign up for the webinar here! In this episode, Lara talks with Barbara Oloniyo about their medical journey from the Caribbean to the Northeast. She shares the importance of communicating with your doc-spouse and adapting to what life throws at you.

Sign up here to learn about group coaching! In today's episode, Lara talks with Lisa Christon about what it's like being married to a pulmonary critical care physician during COVID. Lisa shares how their resilience as a couple and a family has grown as they have battled the overwhelm and stress of the pandemic. She also gives some great marriage advice after being married for 25 years.

For the last episode of 2020, Lara discusses the importance of finding creative outlets while on the medical journey with author Valdene Mark. They also touch on having hard discussions like racism and other topics in a marriage and with your children. "I decided that this year I was going to do what I really wanted to do. Not what I went to school for. You know I just wanted to express myself and kind of stop putting off saying, 'Hey I'm going to do this some day' or 'I am going to do this another day.' I was like, 'No, you know what, I am going to do this now.'" -Valdene Mark

In this episode, Lara shares 5 Tips for Enjoying the Pandemic Holiday Season. It's been a hard year. People have suffered deaths, isolation, sadness, and depression. It has been taxing emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. It's important we keep some things in mind as we move into December and the holiday season. "When considering your expectations, it's not so much about should you have high expectations or low expectations. But rather, should you have right or wrong expectations. And what I mean by that is focus on having correct expectations, right?" -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara takes a look at processing 2020 in a healthy way. It has been somewhat of a mess of a year, so Lara talks about how your thoughts can cause overwhelm. Plus, she discusses how you can take better control of your feelings by understanding the thought that is giving you negative feelings. Look, your brain is going to scan for evidence for what you tell it. And recounting problems over and over, it's only going to make them grow. -Lara McElderry

Gratitude. In this episode, Lara shares the benefits of giving thanks and 20 things she is thankful for in her life in honor of 2020. Expressing gratitude is a practice that doesn't cost money or take a lot of time. Gratitude improves our mental and physical health. So, remember this Thanksgiving and throughout the year to give thanks! "Wherever this medical journey has taken us, it has been full of beauty when I've stopped to look for it." -Lara McElderry

In this episode, Lara talks with Dr. Vonda Wright, an orthopedic surgeon, and Peter Taglianetti, a retired professional hockey player. They are such a fun couple! You'll hear just a piece of their story and how they approach the medical journey, family life, and expectations as a team. They share the importance of checking your ego at the door and having a mutual respect for each other, whether you're the physician or spouse. "Well, I think it takes a really special person to be married to a physician of any kind. Whether you have a career outside the home or your career is the home." -Dr. Vonda Wright

Are our schedules and expectations going to be compatible? A question many of us in medical relationships ask ourselves. In this coaching session, you will hear me coaching Kristin on her thoughts about her relationship with her boyfriend. He is a family medicine doctor who is emergency trained and works long hours. Kristin is struggling with thoughts of if she can handle how their life will look down the road because of his busy schedule. Tune in to see how we reframe her thought process about her expectations and make this a choice of how she sees this challenge. To book your own coaching session while they are 20% off visit: www.marriedtodoctors.com/coaching