New York Magazine's Sex Lives

Two years and 115 episodes later, Sex Lives calls it quits. To figure out how to end things, host Maureen O'Connor invites her original co-hosts David Wallace-Wells and Allison P. Davis back into the studio to discuss breakup etiquette and stories from favorite Sex Lives guests and listeners. Dan Savage talks about the time he dumped a guy on Thanksgiving weekend. Ask a Clean Person's Jolie Kerr ponders an ex who had mildew on his breath. A listener shares audio from a breakup announced on Facebook Live. Alyssa Shelasky tells the heartbreaking story of an ex who haunts her. Engadget's Chris Trout offers one last bon mot.Thank you for listening to Sex Lives! And for sharing your stories with us. Though I disagree with cowardly breakup ballad "Tell Me On a Sunday," you are free to listen to this podcast in a park that's covered in trees, in a zoo with chimpanzees, on any day you please. And since the Sex Lives team still works at New York Magazine, you can always subscribe to that.

Linda Rosenkrantz was an art-world 'it' girl when, in the summer of 1965, she started carrying a reel-to-reel tape recorder everywhere she went, recording conversations at the beach, during parties, and after S&M hookups with New York City's wildest men. Those tapes turned into her lightning-rod novel Talk in 1968— the same year that New York Magazine launched. (And devoted a spread to the bikini-clad Linda.) Fifty years later, Rosenkrantz revisits her memories of that summer— and plays never-before-heard audio from the original tapes. With Maureen O'Connor. 

Alyssa Shelasky returns with an update on life as a mom who used an anonymous sperm donor to have a baby: One year later, she isn't single, anymore. Alyssa is house-hunting with the boyfriend her daughter calls "Daddy." (Not that anyone was prepared for the time she screamed "Dada!" during a silent moment in front of a crowd.) Also up for discussion: the delicate process of blending families, falling in love fast, and learning how to have sex with her bra on. (Breastfeeding changed everything.) With Maureen O'Connor.

As a teenager in Louisiana, Myisha Battle learned about sex from textbooks censored with Sharpie markers. Today, she's a San Francisco-based sex coach dedicated to helping other women orgasm— and to squirt, which is an ability Myisha personally hones with pilates. Myisha explains her job, fields calls from Sex Lives listeners, and explains the wide world of orgasm in ways that confuse and shock host Maureen O'Connor.

In the horny imaginations of Harry Potter super-fans, Professor Snape is a BDSM sex god and Hermione Granger is a squirter. So say Potterotica hosts Allie LeFevere, Lyndsay Rush, and Danny Chapman, who explore the mind-bending universe of Harry Potter erotica every week— complete with dramatic readings. They explain which magic spells are the best for sex; why nobody fantasizes about Ron Weasley; and how a tech-savvy grandmother became the steamiest Potterotica writer on the web. With Maureen O'Connor. Call 646-494-3590 to leave voicemail for Sex Lives.

He's been telling Americans how to fuck for 26 years, and he's still not done. Dan Savage reflects on his unlikely career and tells stories from his own sex life— including losing his virginity in a cosplay three-way with his brother's ex, falling in love with unattainable men, screwing up his son's "sex talk," coming out of the closet to his mother, and the gay priest who helped her understand him. With Maureen O'Connor. Call 646-494-3590 to leave voicemail for Sex Lives.

Gay marriage has moved to the mainstream, but has wedding culture followed? What parts of wedding culture are worth keeping, anyway? Sex Lives assembles a panel of gay writers to discuss their personal experiences navigating the sexual politics and social minefields of getting hitched. Bon Appetit's Kurt Soller recalls debating which boyfriend should propose. Vocativ's Ben Reininga wonders whether his proposal was just a DTR. And Curve Magazine's Marcie Bianco explains why she cut to the chase and eloped— and why she announced it on Facebook before calling her mother. With Maureen O'Connor. Call 646-494-3590 to weigh in.

Does dating suck because you’re awkward, or are you awkward because it’s a date? Ty Tashiro, psychologist and author of Awkward: The Science of Why We’re Socially Awkward and Why That’s Awesome, explains why steeling yourself and weathering the first five minutes of awkwardness is usually worth it. “Don’t be a wallflower,” he says, meaning it literally: research shows that location is a powerful predictor of social success. But what if our love lives need awkwardness? Host Maureen O’Connor wonders if awkwardness, coded differently, is the very definition of romance. Call 646-494-3590 with cringeworthy meet-cutes and awkward sex stories. 

Jo Piazza was working as a travel editor when she met a man, married him— and spent the next year traveling to dozens of countries together, asking how marriage works in each place. She visits Sex Lives to revisit what she learned from women in Chile, Israel, Tanzania, India, France, Denmark, and beyond— and why, after discovering that she had a genetic mutation associated with muscular dystrophy, she climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro with her husband. (And competed in a rare Finnish sport called "wife-carrying.") Piazza's book, "How to be Married: What I Learned from Real Women on Five Continents About Surviving My First (Really Hard) Year of Marriage," is in bookstores now. With Maureen O'Connor. Call 646-494-3590 with your thoughts.

A listener calls Sex Lives with a harrowing story about accidentally destroying her husband's penis with Lysol, and Maureen enlists Ask a Clean Person columnist Jolie Kerr to help her sort out the ensuing mess. Also up for discussion: sex stains, masturbation messes, sexual etiquette for houseguests, and a theory about why Oscar the Grouch would make a great husband? To leave a voice message for Sex Lives, call 646-494-3590.

Yes, it's a thing. Brian J. Moylan reports from the wild world of cosmetic procedures for male sex organs, starting with the time he cryonically froze his penis. (The shrinkage was intense.) He also introduces us to the growing field of "anal rejuvenation," which includes laser therapy, plastic surgery, Botox, bleaching, tightening, and loosening. All of which raises the question: What makes a butthole beautiful, anyway? Call 646-494-3590 to weigh in with a voice message.

E.J. Dickson, who last visited Sex Lives while pregnant, returns with her two-month-old baby in tow. She recounts taking an Uber to the hospital while her water was breaking, and feeling her uterus lifted out of her body during the C-section. Demanding a shot of whiskey after returning from the hospital, and giving up on breastfeeding. Watching her son be circumcised by a rabbi, and then tossing his foreskin out with the trash. Motherhood is wild. Call 646-494-3590 to leave voicemail for Sex Lives.

Where is the best place in America to fall in love? When Cosmopolitan asked Jada Yuan to find out, she flew to six wildly different locales (and her hometown of New York) to look for love in every damn place. She came away exhausted—and more optimistic than ever. From the small-town romantics of South Carolina, to the shirtless male models of Los Angeles, to the kinky dairy farmers of South Dakota, to making out in cars in Detroit, these are her stories. Leave a voicemail about your hometown’s dating scene by calling 646-494-3590.

Ella Dawson has herpes, and talking about it is sort of her thing. She writes herpes-themed erotica; she gave a TED talk about herpes; she celebrates the day she was diagnosed with herpes; and her activism on sexually-transmitted diseases earned praise from Hillary Clinton. All this, and she's only had two outbreaks— which is a pretty standard experience. Ella gets real about dating with herpes, enjoying unprotected sex, and getting her sexual education from Harry Potter fan fiction. And before you jump to judgment, remember: 2 in 3 of you have the same type of herpes that Ella has. (She has oral herpes on her genitals. Yes, it can happen.) And 1 in 5 of you has the other kind. (Ella knows a woman who gets genital herpes on her elbow.) Call 646-494-3590 to leave a voicemail for Sex Lives.

Rachel Kramer-Bussel was a law student in the late '90s when an erotic fantasy about Monica Lewinsky changed her life— by inspiring her to drop everything and pursue a career in erotic literature. Today, Kramer-Bussel has written or edited more than erotica books, including the annual Best Women's Erotica of the Year anthology. With a new volume in stores, Rachel visits Sex Lives to talk about her weirdest fantasies; what she's learned from two decades in the erotica business; and the terrors of Donald Trump erotica. Call 646-494-3590 with your thoughts.

Host Maureen O'Connor tries VR porn for the first time and is horrified. She's not the only one— the technical demands of the new medium has male performers struggling to stay turned on, too. But here's the weirdest part: VR porn fans aren't that into the hardcore stuff. They just want to cuddle with their virtual porn-star girlfriends. Vocativ senior staff writer Tracy Clark-Flory explains how virtual reality is changing the very nature of pornography. Call 646-494-3590 to join the conversation. 

Cindy Gallop dates younger men— which is how she discovered that younger men seem to have received their sexual educations from porn. To balance the myths of hardcore porn with reality, she founded Make Love Not Porn, a video sharing network that is "pro-sex, pro-porn, pro-knowing the difference." As in, a social media network where people show themselves having sex... naturally. Cindy and Make Love Not Porn's chief curator, Sarah Beall, invited Sex Lives to Cindy's Manhattan apartment to explain their company, their crusade, and the joys of video voyeurism. With Maureen O'Connor.

“Every relationship can be based on love, even if it lasts only fifteen minutes.” That’s one of the beliefs that drove a movement to reinvent America’s understanding of sex, civic responsibility, and social welfare in the 1980s, says David France, director of AIDS activism documentary How to Survive a Plague.With a new era of activism emerging today, France revisits the hope and heartbreak of his youth during the AIDS crisis— and offers lessons from his generation’s hard-won victories. With Maureen O’Connor.How to Survive a Plague will be screened at New York’s IFC Center on President’s Day, followed by a Q&A with David France. Visit IFCCenter.com for details. Questions, comments, complaints? Leave voicemail for Sex Lives at 646-494-3590.

"You can't play it cool on Snapchat," says Priscilla Pine. And that's why it's the best for flirting. The pseudonymous technology-first sex writer came on Sex Lives to explain the different flirtation techniques each app on your phone requires— and the surreptitious information you can glean. Also up for discussion: when to save sex for the morning after; when to have sex before the date; the art of the Instagram "deep like"; and what technology can teach us about love— like the side-eye emoji, which on Snapchat describes a one-way relationship. Are you the side-eye in your relationship? What are your all-time digital flirtation best-hits? Call 646-494-3590 with your stories.

"I think it's a myth that you can't be a little bit pregnant because I've been a little bit pregnant for about six years," says Andrea Syrtash, founder of the Pregnantish.com. She explains: to be "a little bit pregnant," or pregnant-ish, is to be in a perpetual state of pregnant anticipation— as in, going through fertility treatment. Her new website is about the trials, tribulations, and weird-ass sex you have when you switch from lovemaking to baby-making. With Maureen O'Connor. Call 646-494-3590 with your stories.

L is the first letter of LGBTQ, but often remains misrepresented and on the fringe. This week, two generations of queer women discuss the state of the modern lesbian. Slate staff writer Christina Cauterucci, who is in her 20s, explains why her generation of gender-fluid queers often resists "lesbian." Slate's Double X co-host June Thomas, who is in her 50s, discusses the lesbian radicalism of her youth and its role in modern feminism. And both women agree on one thing: It can be damn hard to find new communities of queer women, particularly when lesbian bars and bookstores struggle to stay open. So where are the lesbians? Why are we failing to see them? How much visibility is enough— and visible to whom? Call 646-494-3590 with your thoughts, and check out "The Lesbian Issue" on Slate. With Maureen O'Connor.

To honor the presidential inauguration, Sex Lives assembles a panel of politically thoughtful (and sexually perverse) minds to reflect on the sexual absurdity of Donald Trump and modern politics. Daily Beast senior editor Erin Gloria Ryan and Vocativ editorial director Ben Reininga consider: Do you believe Donald Trump's pee rumor? Would you pee on a president? Could a sloppy night with Mike Pence help to achieve world peace? Meanwhile, host Maureen O'Connor admits her boyfriend is registered as a Republican. Call 646-494-3590 with your thoughts.

For decades, conventional and scientific wisdom held that pornography warped our understanding of sex, attraction, and love. But a new generation of scientists are unable to replicate those early findings. Why did porn stop bothering us? Have we become numb— or were earlier generations just paranoid? Science writer Daniel Engber explains those findings— and his own sojourns through the strange, sordid, and occasionally sublime world of extreme fetish porn. Sure, you're cool with run-of-the-mill porn— but what about cannibal porn? Quicksand porn? Why does that stuff exist, anyway? With Maureen O'Connor. Call 646-494-3590 with your stories and thoughts about porn— like how you came across the strangest porn, or hottest fetishes, of your life.

Scott and Julie Rising have been leading parallel lives since birth. The fraternal twins were raised in Alaska. Julie was the tomboy star of her hockey team; Scott preferred musical theater. Each came out as gay after leaving Alaska. Now, with Scott living a thoroughly cosmopolitan life in New York, and Julie in red-state Idaho, the twins come together to discuss their divergent, twinned lives across cultural and gender divides. Call 646-494-3690 to weigh in. With Maureen O'Connor.

"Coming out to my dad as an atheist was 100 times harder than coming out as gay." Before Christopher Trout became Engadget's executive editor and Computer Love columnist— before his career in gay porn and before he started building a genderqueer family of his own— he was the son of Methodist minister Rev. Dr. Steve Trout. A former Texas football star, Rev. Trout married his childhood sweetheart at age eighteen— and taught Sunday School sex-ed to his own son. With Christmas in the air, the pious father joins his blasphemous son for a conversation about sex, love, God, the rapture, and crazy fetishes that make them LOL. With Maureen O'Connor. Leave a voicemail for Sex Lives at 646-494-3590.

Every week, Sex Lives invites listeners to respond with their stories. This week, we listen— and call you back. Meet a left-handed man with a right-handed sex life, a mother whose natural childbirth triggered a sexual awakening, and a black man grappling with sexual racism from people who don’t know he’s black. Call 646-494-3590 to tell us more.

At 40, Glynnis MacNicol realized she didn't want to be a mother, and didn't need a partner. And then she discovered newly exhilarating sexual and romantic freedom: Suddenly, she was traveling the world, entertaining— and rejecting— younger paramours, Parisian flirtations, and 22-year-old cowboys everywhere she went. Now 42, Glynnis is working on a memoir and stopped by Sex Lives to tell 32-year-old host Maureen O'Connor what the next decade of life could hold. Call 646-494-3590 with your thoughts.

In the seventh month of her pregnancy, E.J. Dickson found herself with the libido of a teenage boy— including a desire to watch hardcore pornography, the kind of terrifying gang-bangs she'd never seen or sought before. Before her pregnancy, E.J. was a journalist who wrote about sex. Then, mid-pregnancy, she lost her job, reinvented, and became an editor at Romper, a parenting site for millennials. E.J. discusses her new career, her new boobs, pregnant masturbation, and fighting strangers who don't give her a seat on the subway. Call 646-494-3590 to leave voicemail for Sex Lives and host Maureen O'Connor.

Sometimes, love is a private feeling between two people. Other times, it's a declaration from the rooftops, a wedding announcement, or a public kiss. For the last three years Andrea Silenzi has been broadcasting her love life— and disasters— on her podcast Why Oh Why. She recorded her first date with her most recent boyfriend, as well as fights and their heartbreaking split. But she also blurs the truth— taking a cue from inspired-by-life novelists, she blends fact with fiction and invites actors to interact with real-life guests. Silenzi discusses honesty, deception, memoir, heartbreak, and why Donald Trump ruined her orgasms. Meanwhile, host Maureen O'Connor argues that sexual truthfulness is extra important post-Trump. Call 646-494-3590 to weigh in.

Who's coming to Thanksgiving? For Christopher Trout, the list includes his father, a preacher from rural Texas; his boyfriend, a cop he met on Grindr; his baby mama, a ciswoman to whom he donated sperm; his baby papa, a transman with whom he once hooked up; and his mom. Trout, who is Engadget's executive editor, returns to Sex Lives to discuss family, fertility, why discovering his sexuality meant losing his faith, and how he found peace inside a porn star's anus. With Maureen O'Connor. Leave a voicemail for Sex Lives by calling 646-494-3590.

Mona Chalabi first saw her vulva while peering into a hand mirror at a labiaplasty surgeon's office; thanks to filmmaker Mae Ryan—the other half of The Guardian’s “Vagina Dispatches” docs-series team—we get to see Mona seeing it, too. In this week’s episode of Sex Lives, Mona and Mae share stories from their vulva adventures, including the time they underwent brain scans while watching porn, the time they met a doctor who believes menstruation is a social construct, and the time they called Mona's gynecologist mother for a heart-to-heart. Plus, the harrowing tale of how Mona lost her virginity in a childhood accident with a seesaw. Call 646-494-2590 to leave a voicemail about vaginas, vulvae, sex ed, seesaws, or whatever else is on your mind.

Could you tell a $10,000 fake penis from the real thing? Karley Sciortino couldn't. For Vice show "Slutever," Sciortino fucked a male sex doll; rented a cuddle-boyfriend in Japan; observed medical sexual surrogacy; and helped a dominatrix kidnap an alarmingly handsome client. (True story: last time Karley did that, she was arrested.) Sciortino discusses her sexual experiments— and what still scares her— with Sex Lives host Maureen O'Connor. Call 646-494-2590 with questions, opinions, and your own stories.

In the flesh, they're the same as every other dick. But in the cultural imagination, black penises are fetishized, feared, commodified, obsessed over, and separated from the humanity of those they belong to. New York Times critic-at-large Wesley Morris discusses his essay "Last Taboo: Why Pop Culture Can't Handle Black Male Sexuality," and what it's like to be a gay black man navigating a world that can't stop talking about his dick. Call 646-494-3590 to weigh in. With Maureen O'Connor.

Former Sex Lives co-host Allison P. Davis— now a staff writer at The Ringer— returns to deliver a master class on manipulating love interests by text message. Specifically, the exquisite cruelty of "read receipts," the pitfalls of flirting by GIF, and a little-discussed side effect of ghosting: haunting. Tell us your opinion by calling 646-494-3590. With Maureen O'Connor.

Sex Lives visits downtown restaurant New York Sushi Ko to snack on sea urchin and discuss the perils of— and secret tricks for— dining with dates. And could we ever date a vegan? Grub Street’s Sierra Tishgart recalls the time she forced a date to eat raw tripe. Sushi Ko chef John Daley gets real about hooking up with customers. (Like the woman who ditched her date to bang him in the kitchen.) With Maureen O’Connor.

Eddie Huang wrote a memoir about getting engaged-- but by the time Double Cup Love came out, he was single again. On a break from filming his TV show Huang's World, Eddie invited Sex Lives into his Brooklyn apartment for a discussion of race, sex, love, death, learning about masturbation from Ghostface Killah, and the time he ate tuna semen. With Maureen O'Connor.

Ok, maybe a few guys, but most of you are lying to yourselves, says Dr. Emily Morse. After eleven years of educating listeners on her Sex With Emily podcast, Morse discusses her own sexual education, discovering orgasm, what to do when an unnecessary magnum slips off inside your cooch, why she walks around with weighted balls in her cooch, and why Sex Lives host Maureen O'Connor is wrong about lube. (Maureen hates lube.) Call 646-494-3590 to leave a voicemail for Sex Lives.

Dr. Chris Donaghue was working as a therapist, and he was bored. So he switched to sex therapy-- and discovered his own queer identity. Since then he's hosted two reality shows, written two books, and had sex with people of all genders. But his most radical sexual choice? Prioritizing masturbation. During a break at New York's Sexual Health Expo, Dr. Chris explains how to radicalize your masturbatory life, breaking free from gender binaries, and why he's so over meeting hookups at bars. Oh, and he totally spoils the ending of gay dating show "Finding Prince Charming." With Maureen O'Connor.

New York sex writer Alana Massey felt a little crazy when she bought a house without a family to put in it— and 100 miles away from her boyfriend. During a visit back to the city, she ruminated on the romance of real estate; how open spaces affect the way you fuck; how she found love on a dating app; and why they'd rather live further apart.

French GQ sex columnist Maia Mazaurette was Paris's answer to Carrie Bradshaw - until she came to New York, joined Tinder, and fell in love with an American. Two years later, she compares French and American attitudes towards sex, infidelity, love, and flirtation. Oh, and the French word for "French kiss"? Something about rolling tongue-shovels. Gross. With Maureen O'Connor.

What happens when friendship and flirtation conflict? Two pairs of female BFFs discuss their overlapping love lives; what to do when you catch someone else's partner cheating; and how to stay friends with a friend who falls in love with your ex (or a friend who's just banging your ex). Vogue sex columnist Karley Sciortino and her bestie, the writer Jenna Sauers, join New York Magazine sex columnist Maureen O'Connor and her bestie Juliet Thompson.

Gossip columnist Rob Shuter - who oversaw J.Lo and Jessica Simpson at their peaks - talks celebrity penis size, Kim Kardashian body hair, and what on earth is Bieber's game? With Maureen O'Connor.

In her mid-twenties, Katie Heaney wrote "Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date," a memoir about the frustrations of a millennial who is willing, but unable, to find a boyfriend. Today, Katie is in a serious relationship - with a woman. She joins host Maureen O'Connor to discuss discovering her sexuality as an adult, and reconciling her well-documented past with a new reality.

To bid farewell to her co-host David Wallace-Wells, Maureen interrogates his wife Risa Needleman about being with one man since age nineteen, his-and-hers manbuns, getting married on a 24-hour whim, and sharing deodorant, email passwords, and a toothbrush. Departed co-host Allison P. Davis, now of The Ringer, returns to weigh in on the great shared-toothbrush debate. Plus, Risa discusses her relationship with Genesis P-Orridge, an artist who got plastic surgery and underwent behavior modification to be exactly the same as their girlfriend.

Jennifer Kaplan and Lindsey Rupp, hosts of Bloomberg's Material World podcast, give a guided tour of America's $15 billion sex toy industry-- and gender politics, free-speech battles, and consumer choices that shape it. With Maureen O'Connor.

When it comes to penis size, some men will show their full potential from the start, while others have the ability to grow to unexpected heights. Could the same be true for falling in love? Vocativ deputy editor Erin Gloria Ryan and NYMag.com writer Jason Chen discuss men who grow better with age, how "benching" became the new "ghosting," and the wisdom (or cruelty) of romantic holding patterns. With Maureen O'Connor and David Wallace-Wells.

Recording from Phildelphia during the DNC, New York Magazine's Rembert Browne joins Maureen O'Connor for a discussion of political romance, sexual innuendo at both conventions, and a strange new right-wing meme about cuckolding.

Have the rules of meet-cute engagement changed? Vogue sex columnist Karley Sciortino argues that, in the age of Tinder, hitting on strangers at bars is crazier than an internet-enhanced hookup. Crazier, even, than the time she thought about asking her gynecologist on a date. With Maureen O'Connor.

Science of Us's Drake Baer explains a series of scientific studies that calculate what makes a dating market good or painful, and how they explain why dating in New York is so wretched. Comedian Mike Blejer chimes in with tales of "turbo-dating" in New York, a city where going on multiple dates a night every night if the week is not only possible but, for some, the norm. With Maureen O'Connor and David Wallace-Wells.

This week: a special report from a $400-per-couple Hamptons sex party, marketed to "the world's sexual elite." (And their Russian sugar babies.) Harper's Bazaar writer Jenna Sauers was in attendance, and explains who made the guest list, how much sex they had, and how to play it cool when an elderly financier is going down on his wife right in front of you.

Hi Sex Lives listeners - due to some holiday-related scheduling issues, this week's show will come out a bit later this afternoon, instead of our normal morning release. Please check the feed again after 2pm today (Thursday July 7th, 2016) for our new episode. Apologies for the delay!