Recovery Junkies are obsessed with the transformative and life-changing power of fully committing to the lifelong process of recovery. We believe that the principles and tools of recovery can be applied and will benefit everyone, not just those struggling with serious self destructive behaviors or t…
Perfectionism is often mistaken for "being perfect" or "doing something perfectly." Many people assume that it must be a good thing. But, in actuality, perfectionism holds us back. Perfectionism often creates pressure, which can paralyze us. So, instead of embracing it as a good thing and giving ourselves a pat on the back for doing something perfectly, we scold ourselves. In this episode of The Recovery Junkies, Carlos, Chris and recurring guest Kieu Hatch discuss why perfectionism is a false narrative that holds us back from becoming real and authentic people. The Frost Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale (FMPS) https://novopsych.com.au/assessments/formulation/frost-multidimensional-perfectionism-scale-fmps/ …………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
It's time to be honest. We've all been there, even the really good ones. The party's over and the lights are on. You're alone with your thoughts and the sense of full-bodied fatigue hits you like a brick to the head. Maybe you stay in bed all day, maybe you go out for lunch at 4 pm when it's usually noon — either way, you probably know what an emotional hangover feels like. The emotional hangover has a variety of symptoms — ranging from tiredness to anxiety — but they all have one commonality: feeling out of place with where your mind or body should be. In this episode of The Recovery Junkies, Carlos and Chris invite Kieu Hatch back to the podcast to discuss what remedies can help us regulate back in balance after the exhaustion that comes from an emotional hangover. …………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
There are good things that we want. There are bad things that we want. There is a reason for both of them. Why do we want the things we want even though we know they can cause problems in our lives? It's human nature to have wants. But if you're like us, you may be having a hard time disconnecting your wants from your needs — or you don't even know what your needs are! This makes it harder to establish a cause or reason for doing anything in particular. In this episode of The Recovery Junkies, Carlos and Chris try to uncover some of the fundamental ideologies behind our motivations and desires. …………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
Are you struggling with codependency? Have others told you that you are bound to react in a certain way? Do you constantly worry that these reactions prove undeniable truths? In this episode of the Recovery Junkies, we are joined by Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Kieu Hatch to discuss how codependency became recognized as an issue and how it is far too easy to fall into this pattern. Kieu Hatch, LMFT https://kieutherapy4freedom.wixsite.com/kieuhatch Codepdent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, Melodie Beattie CoDA Co-Dependents Anonymous 12-Step, 888-444-2359 …………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
Life is hard. Adversities hit us all at some point or another. Relationships end, dreams are dashed, struggles abound — each of these can be devastating in their own way. But when life hits a peak of difficulty and tragedy, there are three tools that have been essential for our ability to maneuver through it all. These tools have made the difference between brokenness and victory in many different areas of our lives. Enjoy another episode of The Recovery Junkies! …………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
Life is hard. Adversities hit us all at some point or another. Relationships end, dreams are dashed, struggles abound — each of these can be devastating in their own way. But when life hits a peak of difficulty and tragedy, there are three tools that have been essential for our ability to maneuver through it all. These tools have made the difference between brokenness and victory in many different areas of our lives. Enjoy another episode of The Recovery Junkies! …………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
When we're trying to have a conversation with someone, it can be hard to know when they are stating their opinions versus facts. Everyone has opinions and beliefs about our relationships with others, but sometimes these opinions can get in the way of having productive conversations. There are some questions that can help you identify whether the person is sharing an opinion or fact. In today's podcast episode we share those questions so you can use them as conversation starters next time you find yourself in a disagreement and need to determine what type of information your conversational partner is sharing. We also discuss examples of each situation so you'll have even more resources for navigating these conversations successfully! …………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
The holiday season is a time to come together with family and friends, but it can also be stressful. You probably have a lot of questions about how you should act around your family this year. Maybe someone in the family said something offensive last year, or maybe you're just worried that you'll say something wrong! What should I do? How should I respond? Is there any way to avoid conflict altogether?!? In this episode, Carlos and Chris share from personal experiences ways to not merely survive the holidays, but truly thrive during the holidays. From recurring triggers to pitfalls we all must face while spending time with our families, we cover everything so that you can focus more on enjoying yourself than worrying about what will happen next! …………………………………………………………………………….. WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
In this episode of Recovery Junkies, we welcome special guest and licensed clinical social worker, Kaila Morrison to the podcast. Today's episode asks: Have you ever been in a conversation where one person says something and the other party just responds with "I understand"? That's not communication. It doesn't convey any understanding, it doesn't encourage further discussion or clarification and it certainly isn't allowing for true intimacy. No wonder we have so many misunderstandings in our day to day conversations! We hope this episode can be a guide on how to communicate better by asking good questions that get to the heart of what someone is trying to say. …………………………………………………………………………….. WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
We all know that procrastination is bad, but do we really understand why? Is it laziness? Do we have issues with self-control? In this episode of The Recovery Junkies, Chris and Carlos talk about some common problems with self-control and then take a look at research article from The New York Times on what causes procrastination using the lens of self-control theory. Then finally, I will give actionable advice on how you can start beating your own procrastinating behavior today! New York Times Article: "Why You Procrastinate (It Has Nothing To Do With Self-Control)" https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/25/smarter-living/why-you-procrastinate-it-has-nothing-to-do-with-self-control.html ………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com ………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies ………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com ………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ ………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
Being positive is great but there is a fine line between supporting someone and invalidating them. When you're too positive it can be hard for others to feel heard when they are struggling with their feelings. Toxic positivity isn't just about the words we use, sometimes our actions can make another person feel excluded or unseen. We all want to be seen for who we truly are, not what we think other people want us to be like! This episode of The Recovery Junkies has Carlos and Chris really fired up! Each host speaks on how dangerous toxic positivity can be and how it makes other people feel like they can't be honest with their feelings due to fears of getting shut down by someone's overly positive attitudes. As always, they share practical ways to learn how to recognize this issue in our lives and to lesson the effects on the people we love and care about. …………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
We all know that being present is important, but it can be hard to do when you're constantly distracted by the regrets of the past or fears of the future. Regret and fear are two of the biggest distractions we face in life. This constant distraction keeps us from enjoying our lives right now in the present. In todays episode of The Recovery Junkies, Carlos and Chris share how we all struggle with regrets from what has or hasn't happened in our lives, the toll that worry and fear can take on our mental and emotional state, and what we can do to enjoy each moment day by day. …………………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
The growth process can be a lonely place. You're working on yourself and trying to improve, but it's hard to do that if you don't have support from your partner. What happens when the people closest to you are not supporting your recovery? What happens when they aren't willing or able to put in the effort needed for their own healing? When a partner decides to get real about their destructive behaviors and begins the work of growth and change, they may find that their partner isn't as willing to make changes in order to support them. In todays episode of The Recovery Junkies, Carlos and Chris discuss how we can start making positive changes together so that our relationships stay strong through our journey of healing and growth. In addition, we also discuss the struggle partners face, how they can get support, and feel empowered as individuals, while also helping them navigate this difficult time with their loved one who is struggling with addiction. …………………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
It's time to talk about acceptance again! Even the Recovery Junkies struggle with the word “acceptance.” It sounds like we should just give up and resign ourselves to a life of misery. But that's not what acceptance is about at all! We need acceptance in order to live in reality. Acceptance enables us to accept what is happening rather than reacting against it with anger or withdrawal; instead, we can calmly face the situation and respond appropriately. Acceptance means acknowledging that something happened (rather than denying or distorting it), feeling whatever emotions are appropriate without becoming overwhelmed by them, and then responding adaptively rather than reactively. In this episode Carlos and Chris enjoy a discussion about what happens when we become free from unnecessary pain and suffering and experience greater well-being and peace of mind through the act of accepting what we cannot control. Enjoy another episode of The Recovery Junkies. Darlene Lancer's article on medium.com: "Paradoxically, Acceptance Creates Change." https://medium.com/becoming-you/acceptance-suggested-by-the-serenity-prayer-prepare-us-for-change-7c0c99d04309 …………………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
Can't control your emotions? We've all been there, right? We find ourselves in that place where we have a really hard time expressing what's going on inside our head. We let those feelings fester and ruminate and get to the point where we simply have had enough! And we typically end up in one of two scenarios - lash out or shut down. There are so many reasons why expressing your feelings can be difficult, but there are also some things we can do to make this easier for ourselves and those around us. In this episode, we want to talk about our negative feelings - more specifically how we can express those negative feelings in healthy ways. …………………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
Welcome back to Season 3 of The Recovery Junkies! We're kicking off this season by diving into our past and exploring how it influences our present experiences. By understanding where our behaviors came from, we can begin to see why things keep happening over and over again. Once we understand why these unhealthy patterns keep showing up, then we have a chance at breaking them once and for all! In this episode we share about the ways we have experienced our past influencing our present, how that has affected us and how each of us has an opportunity to choose something different from our default pattern of self-sabotage every time we find ourselves “back there again." …………………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
In this next episode of our summer series, we draw from the impeccable comedic talents of Bob Newhart, in a 2001 sketch from MadTV titled, "Just Stop It!" The clips speak for themselves, but as always we draw on why they were so impactful, funny, and real to us. Please enjoy another episode of The Recovery Junkies! …………………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
Happy summer everybody! While we prepare for season 3 of The Recovery Junkies, we decided to come together and record a few mini episodes. This summer series will callback a few of our television and film references from past episodes and break them down to share why they were so impactful, funny, and real to us. In our first miniature episode, Carlos and Chris discuss The Opposite, an episode from the hit 90's sitcom, Seinfeld. Please enjoy another episode of The Recovery Junkies! Seinfeld Episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rag0Z1nTJOc&t=63s WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
All good things must come to an end, and this episode is our season 2 finale! In a year filled with so much uncertainty and remote everything, the Junkies are extremely grateful to finally be sitting around a table together for the first time since before March 2020 when the pandemic changed all our lives. In this episode, we reflect on the year apart, share some of our favorite moments from this past season, what we are learning in the process, and what's to come for season 3! Thank you to our listeners for such amazing feedback and for faithfully listening to each episode. Enjoy this season 2 recap of The Recovery Junkies! WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
In this episode of The Recovery Junkies, we discuss some of the long lasting effects coming out of the Covid-19 pandemic. We look at how the pandemic has psychologically and emotionally drained us, physically weakened us, spiritually broken us, and socially isolated us. Listen in as we all five Junkies share their personal stories and experiences from this past year in the form of a group check in. **If you need help finding professional counseling or support groups, please email us so we can direct you to the right resources. Email: info@therecoveryjunkies.com *** FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
On today's pod, we introduce a concept called "couple shame." We discuss what happens when the individuals in a relationship (red & blue) feel shame about the collective parts (the purple) of the relationship. The “purple” has a combined “us story.” Join us as we break down the the shame couples often have about their "us story." How is this shame defining the relationship? What does it say about us as a spouse, as parents, and much more? Enjoy another episode of The Recovery Junkies! WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
In today's episode, the Junkies concluded their three part series about how frustrating life can be when we are trying to live life, only to be sabotaged by the parts of us that never matured, and that have great influence on the decision making in adulthood. In the final part of this multi-episode series, the Junkies focus on hope for the future. Hope requires risk, which when we begin to see change, gives us faith to risk again and again. We can get out of our "stuckness!" We can grow day by day! Enjoy another episode of The Recovery Junkies! WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
Oh the "stuckness!" In today's episode, we continue the discussion about how frustrating life can be when we are trying to live life, only to be sabotaged by the parts of us that never matured, and that have great influence on the decision making in adulthood. In part two of this multi-episode series, the Junkies will use personal examples as case studies on how we've been stuck, how to become aware of the emotions and past experiences behind our stuckness, and process of "naming it to tame it," in order to move forward in future situations. WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
In this bonus episode, the Junkies take a pause in their usual discussion of all things recovery to have a candid conversation about the recent mass shooting in Atlanta, Georgia, the ripple effect of this tragedy and those who are being impacted by the reporting. Our hope today is to hold space for the victims families experiencing loss, the slain women we know so little about, and the Asian American community reeling from the violence against them. And of course, we want to do all of this using our signature “and/also” language…always filtered through the lens of recovery as we do on every episode of our podcast. WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
Have you been stuck lately? Not sure what we're talking about? Today on Recovery Junkies, we're talking about what it actually looks like when we try to live life, only to be sabotaged by the parts of us that never matured. These immature parts, or as some people call "your inner child," somehow lost the possibility of developing their natural traits of wonder, optimism, naiveté, dependence, resilience, free play, uniqueness, and love. When events and circumstances of life prevent us from fully developing these natural parts of ourselves, that younger part can get “stuck” in that child-like state and have great influence on the decision making in adulthood. In part one of this multi-episode series, the Junkies will discussion and process the wounded inner child part of us as the main cause of addiction, codependency issues, and most mental and relational health issues. Thanks for listening! WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
If someone were to ask you if you were in recovery, what would you say? Could you define what your recovery looks like? How is recovery different than sobriety? We at The Recovery Junkies think recovery is taking ownership of and responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with self compassion and acceptance, in the hope of a more connected and healthy relationship with self, others, and God while embracing change. In this episode, the Junkies talk about indicators that would suggest we are not living in recovery, ways to know we are, what gets in the way of growth, and as always, how to continue moving forward in this process. Listen in to this deep conversation and continue your journey on the road of recovery! WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
Grieving a destructive behavior includes embracing the action stage of letting go and embracing the sadness, anger, confusion, bargaining, and eventually acceptance. In this episode of Recovery Junkies, Carlos, Chris and Dawn talk about grieving over the loss of our addiction. Our coping mechanisms give us a false sense of security. When those are stripped away, resentment and fear quickly creep in. Listen in as we wrestle with the consequences of our actions, the difficulty in dealing with the absence of our destructive behaviors, and the ultimate solutions we find in a community of others to help hold us accountable. Thanks for listening to The Recovery Junkies! WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA:Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
Step one in the "big book" states, "we admit we are powerless over our addiction, and that our lives have become unmanageable." Are you someone who is not living in acceptance? Are you struggling to accept your reality? Do you believe that you are not powerless over your addiction? In this week's episode, Carlos, Sandy, and Chris discuss what it takes to be arrive at acceptance by admitting our powerlessness. We list ways in which we are powerless over the issues in our own lives. We analyze the cycles of addiction, as well as the increasing hopelessness and shame that comes with feeling powerless. And, we tackle why pride, ego, and delusions often keep us from tapping out and admitting we need help. Humility, grace, and forgiveness are what's required on the path to acceptance over powerlessness. Thanks for listening to The Recovery Junkies! WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies YouTube: Recovery Junkies WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com MERCHANDISE STORE: https://www.therecoveryjunkies.com/store#!/
How does a person truly let go of a preoccupation to something they are struggling with? Is it as simple as trying harder? White-knuckling the situation? Today the Junkies discuss what it takes to be liberated from control, and to let go of our hurts, hangups, and habits. In our episode, we affirm the problem of not letting go, and discuss the ripple effect that control has on the individual and their partners. Carlos, Chris, and Sandy also speak to how and why each person may struggle with letting go. Whether the struggle stems from past trauma, a perfectionistic family background, or maybe even vows one made as a child - letting go is hard! Join us for another deep and meaningful conversation with The Recovery Junkies. Seinfeld Clip - "The Opposite" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SclV-UWM4Gw WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkiespodcast Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies YouTube: Recovery Junkies WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com MERCHANDISE STORE: https://www.therecoveryjunkies.com/store#!/
This week, the Junkies discuss how to parent our kids effectively. Bree and Chris share some personal parenting struggles, Dawn and Sandy address blindspots that get in the way of effective parenting, and Carlos guides us through dependencies children need from their parents. Join us for part two of our topic on building resiliency in parenting while in recovery. WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com
This week, the Junkies are tackling parenting. How can we be more effective in our parenting by focusing on our recovery? Bree, Dawn, Sandy, and Chris are parents. Accepting that we will let our kids down is a part of life, and a big part of viewing life through the lens of recovery. How do we bounce back after I do a major parenting faceplant? How do we come back from this in a way that works? Today we’re going to talk about how we can build resiliency within our parenting while in recovery. Show notes: Linke to “Still Faced” Youtube video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0 The Whole Brain Child - Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Brain-Child-Revolutionary-Strategies-Developing/dp/0553386697/ref=sr_1_3?crid=RC3ZQGRZE7A9&dchild=1&keywords=the+whole+brain+child&qid=1605153314&sprefix=the+whole+brain%2Caps%2C224&sr=8-3 The Autonomic Nervous System https://0cb7fc2f-bb94-4634-8cb2-0d2eb2051d24.filesusr.com/ugd/2d354d_5ee4c39b1bb2445e866ba81af58f1954.pdf “I’m Still Here” - Stephen Sondheim, Composer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgOWOV3a5tQ
This week, the Junkies ask the question - where does true, lasting hope come from? The reason we ask this is because if your commitment to recovery is dependent on how you feel, or driven by wanting to feel better, it simply won’t last. In the episode, we contrast two different recovery stories: that of singer Amy Winehouse and comedian Russell Brand. Join us as we talk about how to change behavior by taking actions, what taking ownership looks like for the addict and the partner of an addict, and ultimately how we find hope in an oftentimes seemingly hopeless situation.
For our second episode of season 2, the Junkies break down the emotional abuse of gaslighting. The term "gaslighting" came from the mystery movie Gaslight(1944), in which a man manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind. However, many often use term incorrectly. In this episode, we share how gaslighting can be both conscious and unconscious. We also talk about gaslighting from both the male and female perspectives. Are you in a relationship where you are being gaslit? Do you think you might be in a relationship where you are being gaslit? How can you tell if you are just being manipulated or in an emotionally abusive relationship? Our desire is give you some clear signs to identify gaslighting behaviors.
Welcome back Junkies! We are excited to launch Season 2 of Recovery Junkies with adding a NEW co-host - Sandy Jocoy! Sandy is a licensed therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. We're excited to bring her unique voice and gifted insight to the podcast. In this weeks episode we discuss the realities of addiction from the perspective of both the addict and the partner of an addict. Bob Newhart MADtV Clip: "Just Stop It." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BjKS1-vjPs
As we all continue to struggle through the COVID-19 pandemic, many of us are feeling a myriad of emotions - stress, exhaustion, anxiety, and fear. Without addressing these emotions, especially in a state of isolation, conflict can arise with those whom we are in quarantine with. Listen in as the Junkies ask clinical experts, Dr. Sam Fraser and Sandy Jocoy, questions regarding the psychological, sociological, physiological, and spiritual effects of isolation. FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com
It's a simple fact that our current circumstances often dictate our worldview. It's natural to be troubled with worry, fear, and frustration. However, we still have control over our thoughts and actions. In this episode, the Junkies discuss ways to reframe our situations in the midst of uncertainty. We wish you continued healthy and safety. Please enjoy this episode of Recovery Junkies. FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com
We are grieving with the world through the COVID-19 pandemic. It seems like every day has a new challenges to face. From resource scarcity to cabin fever, we all have the ability to fall into despair. However, if we have the eyes to see, there is hope all around us. Listen in as the Junkies discuss the process of grieving and finding hope amidst the struggles during this unprecedented time in history. Stay home. Stay safe. Enjoy another episode of Recovery Junkies. FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com
The more we choose acceptance and reject resignation, the healthier life will be for us. There is a greater fullness when we can live in acceptance. On this episode, Chris and Carlos share how we can grow in acceptance of ourselves and of others. WE'RE FINALLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA! Follow us: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com
Shame can paralyze us all. For some, it was formed as early as childhood. In this episode, the Junkies share personal stories of past shame, current struggles with acceptance, and ways to build resiliency as we continue on the road of recovery. Listen in and enjoy this emotional episode of Recovery Junkies! WE'RE FINALLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA! Follow us: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkiespodcast Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com Toxic Shame - by John Bradshaw My Name Is Toxic Shame I was there at your conception I came upon you before you could speak Before you understood Before you had any way of knowing I came upon you when you were learning to walk When you were unprotected and exposed When you were vulnerable and needy Before you had any boundaries MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME I came upon you when you were magical Before you could know I was there I severed your soul I pierced you to the core I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness I made you feel different I told you there was something wrong with you I soiled your Godlikeness MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME I existed before conscience Before guilt Before morality I am the master emotion I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation I am the internal shudder that courses through you without any mental preparation MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME I live in secrecy In the deep moist banks of darkness depression and despair Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come through the back door Uninvited unwanted The first to arrive I was there at the beginning of time With Adam, and Eve MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME I come from "shameless" caretakers, abandonment, ridicule, abuse, neglect - perfectionistic systems I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent's rage The cruel remarks of siblings The jeering humiliation of other children The awkward reflection in the mirrors The touch that feels icky and frightening The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust The righteous condemnation of religious bigots The fears and pressures of schooling The hypocrisy of politicians The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional family systems MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME I bring pain that is chronic A pain that will not go away I am the hunter that stalks you night and day Every day everywhere I have no boundaries You try to hide from me But you cannot Because I live inside of you I make you feel hopeless Like there is no way out MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame, envy, judgment, power, and rage My pain is so intense you must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment, and unconscious ego defenses. My pain is so intense that you must numb out and no longer feel me. I convinced you that I am gone - that I do not exist - you experience absence and emptiness. MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME I am the core of co-dependency I am spiritual bankruptcy The logic of absurdity The repetition compulsion I am crime, violence, incest, rape I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions I am instability and lust I twist who you are into what you do and have done I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME
Just like good fences make good neighbors, boundaries in relationships allow for freedom and responsibility. Enjoy this weeks episode of the Recovery Junkies! Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE, RATE & REVIEW us on Apple Podcasts! Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com
New year, new issues to discuss! In this episode, the Junkies examine the control issues we all can exhibit in our lives. Can control be healthy? Why must we always seek to do life on our terms? Join us for this insightful topic to start off 2020! Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE, RATE & REVIEW us on Apple Podcasts, or whatever podcast platform you choose! Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com The Serenity Prayer By Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971) God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.
As the year comes to a close, the Junkies reflect on where they've been and what's in store for the upcoming year. Join us for this deep and thoughtful episode that encourages all to be present in the moment and to strive for continued growth on the road of recovery. Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE, RATE & REVIEW us on Apple Podcasts, or whatever podcast platform you choose! Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com The Serenity Prayer By Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971) God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.
It's the most wonderful time of the year! From that great aunt who makes inappropriate comments to decades old feuds, getting together with family for the holidays can trigger a laundry list of emotions! Join us as we strategically plan healthy ways to emerge victorious this holiday season. Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed! Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com
The Junkies return with part two of our discussion of the Drama Triangle. We discuss strategies for exiting the triangle, plus another morsel of truth from the cookie jar. Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed! Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com FANOS Check-in Exercise: Feelings: Share with your partner a feeling you have. Affirmations: Affirm your partner for something they have done. Needs: State a need you have today (not necessarily one that must be met by your partner). Ownership: Take responsibility and apologize for something you have said or done. Struggles/Sobriety: Here you have an opportunity to tell your partner the status of your struggles/sobriety/recovery today (sobriety date, general struggles, recovery work, etc.). Be specific but not graphic. H.A.L.T. Acronym: Hungry Angry Lonely Tired The Drama Triangle Information: The Role of RESCUER (Also known as: supercaretaker, enabler, pleaser, peacemaker, controlling, good guy, mascot, hero,clown, avoider, escapist...) In taking on this role here are samples of what a person might typically say, think, and/or do in order to participate in the victim/drama triangle pattern. Can you add items to this list? Rescuer Statements (to others and to self): “I am the peacekeeper in the family (or relationship).” “I don’t have any problems.” "Just smile." “Other people need help more than I do.” “I’ll just do it.”(Rather than waiting for or allowing her/him to do what s/he needs to do.) “S/he didn’t mean it.” “S/he needs me to take care of her/him.” "It's not that bad." or "Time will heal it." "I always help people who are worse off than me...(then I suffer)." Rescuer Thoughts (about others or about self): S/he knows more than I do (I give them the benefit of doubt – but not myself). I can make him/her/them happy (but not myself). I can make things better. They or s/he really need(s) my help. S/he wouldn’t be able to make it without my help. It’s more important that I meet her/his needs than that I meet my needs. I’ll make him/her love me by getting them to really need me or because s/he will feel like s/he owes me for all I have done for her/him. Don’t make waves. I know what's best for him/her. Rescuer Actions (toward or for others or toward/for self): Doing things for people that they could (or need to) do for themselves. Seeking assistance for others when they could be asking for themselves. Taking control of situations which do not need to be controlled. Even with good intentions bossing people around. Manipulating others into doing things "for their own good." Doing homework for a child or friend (depriving them of the learning experience). Drug, alcohol and tobacco abuse (to escape from stress by damaging myself). Kids taking care of parents because parents are incapacitated physically or emotionally by drug / alcohol / prescription medication abuse and/or by engaging frequently in the victim role. Providing distraction to avoid dealing with concerns that need to be addressed. Hiding real feelings to protect or please or manipulate others. Covering up for a friend or family member’s behavior. The Role of VICTIM (Also known as: needy, dependent, controlling, hopeless/helpless, sympathy seeker, martyr, chump, picked-on, scapegoat...) In taking on this role here are samples of what a person might typically say, think, and/or do in order to participate in the victim triangle pattern. Can you add items to this list? Victim Statements (to self or to others): “It’s all your fault! (Or his fault, or her fault...)” “I had no choice.” “I was forced to do it.” “You guys are always changing the rules on me.” “You make me mad.” “I can’t help it!” “I guess nobody likes me.” "Things will never change/get better.” “My life is so difficult/stressful.” "My family is not fair to me." or "Life is not fair to me." Victim Thoughts (about self or about others): Nobody cares and/or nobody understands me. I can’t do it myself. Everyone is against me (or dislikes me, or hates me). I can never do anything right. It is all [someone else’s] fault. I cannot function without a boyfriend or girlfriend or without my spouse or children. I can’t trust her/him or anyone (and/or I can’t trust myself). My life is boring. I’m not interested in anything. I’m helpless/hopeless. Others leave, reject, or abandon me. I deserve or need to get very upset if others do even the smallest thing that bothers me. Victim Actions (toward self or toward others): Doing things just to aggravate someone who bullies me. Hiding real feelings and not talking about important things that need to be addressed. Drug/alcohol/tobacco abuse. Remaining in or maintaining emotionally abusive relationships. Employing facial expressions and body language that communicate feeling very “put upon”. Avoidance of participating in healthy activities either alone or with others. Acting hurt or emotionally wounded to elicit sympathy. Exaggerating physical or emotional hurt to elicit sympathy. Whining/sniveling. The "silent treatment"-- withdrawing and refusing to communicate. The Role of MEANIE/PERSECUTOR (Also known as: bully, abuser, perpetrator, persecutor, criticizer, bad guy, villain, controlling, troublemaker...) In taking on this role here are sample of what a person might typically say, think, and/or do in order to participate in the victim triangle pattern. Can you add items to this list? Meanie Statements: “You’re so selfish!” “You’re ruining my life!” “Yah, but you’re the jerk.” “You’re a drunk.” “You’re stupid/not good enough/not able to do ____” “You’re fat.” (Or some negative statement about how someone looks.) “You’ll never amount to much” “Do it or else...” "I told you so, dummy." “Why is everyone else so incompetent?” Calling people (or self) names or saying mean things to others (or to self). Any kind of put down or mean statements/comments. Meanie Thoughts: Everybody should do things the way I think they should be done. Everybody should be the way I think they should be. Everybody should see the world the way I see the world. I need to control them/this and make them do what I want them to. Control...I have to be in control. Nobody will know what I really feel if I am loud and aggressive. I take what I want from people however I need to. I’m always making the wrong choice/messing up/I’m just no good (being the bully to self.) The only way I can get what I need/want is to make others do what I want/need them to do. Meanie Actions: Doing or saying mean things to others. Self-injurious behaviors or suicide attempts. Drug, alcohol, or tobacco abuse (mean actions toward self). Domestic violence. Making others feel guilty for not living up to my expectations. Being mean to people because they are different in some way. Invading the personal or psychological space of another person. Ways to Exit the Victim Triangle Breathing Boundaries Balancing Respect for self and others Re-frame the situation Responsibility for self nurturing Validation of feelings and of self Kindness with boundaries Breathing: I remind myself to observe my breathing. I may take some deeper breaths to move more oxygen into my system. Conscious breathing helps with centering, grounding, awareness, and clear thinking. I can then choose to continue participating in Triangle Relating or choose to move toward healthy Nurturing Relating. Boundaries: I remind myself that it is essential to observe and honor healthy boundaries in relating with self and in relating with others. The first boundary to observe is between self and Triangle relating (“I choose not to go there, not to participate in the Triangle”). Other examples of healthy boundaries: not invading the physical or emotional space of another person with meanness, yelling, or hitting or other inappropriate touching; not being mean to self in any way; no abuse of chemicals, drugs/alcohol, prescription medications. I remind myself that another kind of boundary (not too much, not too little, but just...in the effective Nurturing Zone) is involved with maintaining balance in areas such as spending money, eating healthily, getting enough exercise and sleep, and so on...Meanwhile, speaking of balance... Balancing: Nurturing Relating is about ongoing balancing and learning to fine tune my skills in addressing BNN. There are a lot of essentials that I need to be addressing. Balancing my life as I endeavor to do this Nurturing involves focus on these Nurturing skills. I remind myself that I need to be moving in the direction of meeting the basic 80 – 100 BNN for self and relating in Nurturing ways with others. This art form becomes my focus and replaces the Triangle focus on manipulation. Respect: I remind myself to respect myself and respect others with whom I am interacting as wonderful people, even though I or they may just have been participating, unfortunately, in triangle relating. All three Triangle positions disrespect self and/or others. Once a person genuinely practices respect s/he is off the triangle and moving toward addressing BNN. Re-frame the situation: I recognize that the drama, upset, and stress I am experiencing are signals that I am indeed triangling or caught on the triangle (thinking/feeling, talking, acting in the roles of Victim, Meanie, Pleaser). I read the feeling signals. I take the picture of this situation and deliberately decide to replace the Triangle/stress frame around it with a new frame of the Feelings Gauge/Nurturing Relating around it. I now recognize that my Feelings Gauge is telling me that I am low or out of nurturing in one or more areas. I have changed my view/understanding of the situation from being a victim of the Triangle to being a self-actuating Nurturing person on my way to the "Nurturing Station" to put some good nurturing in my Life Tank and to give off Nurturing kindness (with healthy gentle/firm boundaries) toward others involved in this particular situation. Responsibility for self nurturing: I remind myself that I am responsible for my choice about whether I do Triangle relating or healthy Nurturing relating. I can choose to think, talk, or act as a Victim, Meanie, or Rescuer. Or instead, I can choose to relate and interact in balanced, Nurturing ways toward myself, toward others, and with the world around me. (I am not responsible for making other people choose not to play the Triangle game. However, if I am a parent, I am responsible for helping and instructing my children to gradually grow out of the victim triangle pattern of relating (which is the usual pattern for a small child) and for teaching them and modeling for them how to relate in healthy Nurturing ways toward self and others. Also, if I am a parent, I need to be taking good care of my BNN so that I have the energies needed for nurturing my child's (children's) growth and development and for relating Nurturingly with my co-parent.) Kindness with boundaries: I remind myself to relate in interested, friendly, caring, sensitive and nurturing ways toward self and others WITH BOUNDARIES. One way to simply describe Nurturing Relating and addressing BNN: it's all about thinking and practicing Kindness with boundaries toward self, others, and the world around us. (Genuine, unmanipulative kindness is not rescuing or “supercaretaking” or pleasing or fixing others -- or, in general, doing for others what they need to be doing for themselves, usually while not caring for my own BNN. Furthermore, kindness does not mean allowing people to walk on me or take advantage of me. "With boundaries" helps with understanding healthy Nurturing kindness, because without boundaries, too often kindness can move to Victim when the kindness gets taken advantage of...or kindness can move to Meanie if the kindness is not appreciated in the way the kind person expects, or the kind person responds in mean or angry ways to being taken advantage of.) Validation: In exiting the triangle I remind myself frequently (sometimes through days, weeks, and months) that my feelings make sense and that I, the good person having the feelings, make sense -- even if I am not sure at the moment what the sense is specifically. Just participating in the process of triangle relating produces stress and upset. So I validate myself and my feelings as a way of genuinely and effectively nurturing myself off of the triangle. Remember there is no true nurturing available in triangle relating; validation is so rarely practiced (invalidation and put downs are the norm the world over); and frequent validation practiced toward self and others is one of the most powerful nurturing practices available to human beings.
FIXERS, CONTROLLERS, RESCUERS, OH MY! RESCUERS, PERSECUTORS, VICTIMS, OH MY! In part one of this two part series, the Junkies discuss the many roles we adopt in our relationships by using a social model for human interaction known as the "drama triangle." Listen in as our hosts practically share examples of what they might typically say, think, and do in order to participate in the drama triangle pattern. Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed! Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com Karpman Drama Triangle Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_XSeUYa0-8 Karpman Drama Triangle Handout: https://www.therecoveryjunkies.com/downloads The Role of RESCUER (Also known as: supercaretaker, enabler, pleaser, peacemaker, controlling, good guy, mascot, hero, clown, avoider, escapist...) In taking on this role here are samples of what a person might typically say, think, and/or do in order to participate in the victim/drama triangle pattern. Can you add items to this list? Rescuer Statements (to others and to self): “I am the peacekeeper in the family (or relationship).” “I don’t have any problems.” "Just smile." “Other people need help more than I do.” “I’ll just do it.”(Rather than waiting for or allowing her/him to do what s/he needs to do.) “S/he didn’t mean it.” “S/he needs me to take care of her/him.” "It's not that bad." or "Time will heal it." "I always help people who are worse off than me...(then I suffer)." Rescuer Thoughts (about others or about self): S/he knows more than I do (I give them the benefit of doubt – but not myself). I can make him/her/them happy (but not myself). I can make things better. They or s/he really need(s) my help. S/he wouldn’t be able to make it without my help. It’s more important that I meet her/his needs than that I meet my needs. I’ll make him/her love me by getting them to really need me or because s/he will feel like s/he owes me for all I have done for her/him. Don’t make waves. I know what's best for him/her. Rescuer Actions (toward or for others or toward/for self): Doing things for people that they could (or need to) do for themselves. Seeking assistance for others when they could be asking for themselves. Taking control of situations which do not need to be controlled. Even with good intentions bossing people around. Manipulating others into doing things "for their own good." Doing homework for a child or friend (depriving them of the learning experience). Drug, alcohol and tobacco abuse (to escape from stress by damaging myself). Kids taking care of parents because parents are incapacitated physically or emotionally by drug / alcohol / prescription medication abuse and/or by engaging frequently in the victim role. Providing distraction to avoid dealing with concerns that need to be addressed. Hiding real feelings to protect or please or manipulate others. Covering up for a friend or family member’s behavior. The Role of VICTIM (Also known as: needy, dependent, controlling, hopeless/helpless, sympathy seeker, martyr, chump, picked-on, scapegoat...) In taking on this role here are samples of what a person might typically say, think, and/or do in order to participate in the victim triangle pattern. Can you add items to this list? Victim Statements (to self or to others): “It’s all your fault! (Or his fault, or her fault...)” “I had no choice.” “I was forced to do it.” “You guys are always changing the rules on me.” “You make me mad.” “I can’t help it!” “I guess nobody likes me.” "Things will never change/get better.” “My life is so difficult/stressful.” "My family is not fair to me." or "Life is not fair to me." Victim Thoughts (about self or about others): Nobody cares and/or nobody understands me. I can’t do it myself. Everyone is against me (or dislikes me, or hates me). I can never do anything right. It is all [someone else’s] fault. I cannot function without a boyfriend or girlfriend or without my spouse or children. I can’t trust her/him or anyone (and/or I can’t trust myself). My life is boring. I’m not interested in anything. I’m helpless/hopeless. Others leave, reject, or abandon me. I deserve or need to get very upset if others do even the smallest thing that bothers me. Victim Actions (toward self or toward others): Doing things just to aggravate someone who bullies me. Hiding real feelings and not talking about important things that need to be addressed. Drug/alcohol/tobacco abuse. Remaining in or maintaining emotionally abusive relationships. Employing facial expressions and body language that communicate feeling very “put upon”. Avoidance of participating in healthy activities either alone or with others. Acting hurt or emotionally wounded to elicit sympathy. Exaggerating physical or emotional hurt to elicit sympathy. Whining/sniveling. The "silent treatment"-- withdrawing and refusing to communicate. The Role of MEANIE/PERSECUTOR (Also known as: bully, abuser, perpetrator, persecutor, criticizer, bad guy, villain, controlling, troublemaker...) In taking on this role here are sample of what a person might typically say, think, and/or do in order to participate in the victim triangle pattern. Can you add items to this list? Meanie Statements: “You’re so selfish!” “You’re ruining my life!” “Yah, but you’re the jerk.” “You’re a drunk.” “You’re stupid/not good enough/not able to do ____” “You’re fat.” (Or some negative statement about how someone looks.) “You’ll never amount to much” “Do it or else...” "I told you so, dummy." “Why is everyone else so incompetent?” Calling people (or self) names or saying mean things to others (or to self). Any kind of put down or mean statements/comments. Meanie Thoughts: Everybody should do things the way I think they should be done. Everybody should be the way I think they should be. Everybody should see the world the way I see the world. I need to control them/this and make them do what I want them to. Control...I have to be in control. Nobody will know what I really feel if I am loud and aggressive. I take what I want from people however I need to. I’m always making the wrong choice/messing up/I’m just no good (being the bully to self.) The only way I can get what I need/want is to make others do what I want/need them to do. Meanie Actions: Doing or saying mean things to others. Self-injurious behaviors or suicide attempts. Drug, alcohol, or tobacco abuse (mean actions toward self). Domestic violence. Making others feel guilty for not living up to my expectations. Being mean to people because they are different in some way. Invading the personal or psychological space of another person. Ways to Exit the Victim Triangle Breathing Boundaries Balancing Respect for self and others Re-frame the situation Responsibility for self nurturing Validation of feelings and of self Kindness with boundaries Breathing: I remind myself to observe my breathing. I may take some deeper breaths to move more oxygen into my system. Conscious breathing helps with centering, grounding, awareness, and clear thinking. I can then choose to continue participating in Triangle Relating or choose to move toward healthy Nurturing Relating. Boundaries: I remind myself that it is essential to observe and honor healthy boundaries in relating with self and in relating with others. The first boundary to observe is between self and Triangle relating (“I choose not to go there, not to participate in the Triangle”). Other examples of healthy boundaries: not invading the physical or emotional space of another person with meanness, yelling, or hitting or other inappropriate touching; not being mean to self in any way; no abuse of chemicals, drugs/alcohol, prescription medications. I remind myself that another kind of boundary (not too much, not too little, but just...in the effective Nurturing Zone) is involved with maintaining balance in areas such as spending money, eating healthily, getting enough exercise and sleep, and so on...Meanwhile, speaking of balance... Balancing: Nurturing Relating is about ongoing balancing and learning to fine tune my skills in addressing BNN. There are a lot of essentials that I need to be addressing. Balancing my life as I endeavor to do this Nurturing involves focus on these Nurturing skills. I remind myself that I need to be moving in the direction of meeting the basic 80 – 100 BNN for self and relating in Nurturing ways with others. This art form becomes my focus and replaces the Triangle focus on manipulation. Respect: I remind myself to respect myself and respect others with whom I am interacting as wonderful people, even though I or they may just have been participating, unfortunately, in triangle relating. All three Triangle positions disrespect self and/or others. Once a person genuinely practices respect s/he is off the triangle and moving toward addressing BNN. Re-frame the situation: I recognize that the drama, upset, and stress I am experiencing are signals that I am indeed triangling or caught on the triangle (thinking/feeling, talking, acting in the roles of Victim, Meanie, Pleaser). I read the feeling signals. I take the picture of this situation and deliberately decide to replace the Triangle/stress frame around it with a new frame of the Feelings Gauge/Nurturing Relating around it. I now recognize that my Feelings Gauge is telling me that I am low or out of nurturing in one or more areas. I have changed my view/understanding of the situation from being a victim of the Triangle to being a self-actuating Nurturing person on my way to the "Nurturing Station" to put some good nurturing in my Life Tank and to give off Nurturing kindness (with healthy gentle/firm boundaries) toward others involved in this particular situation. Responsibility for self nurturing: I remind myself that I am responsible for my choice about whether I do Triangle relating or healthy Nurturing relating. I can choose to think, talk, or act as a Victim, Meanie, or Rescuer. Or instead, I can choose to relate and interact in balanced, Nurturing ways toward myself, toward others, and with the world around me. (I am not responsible for making other people choose not to play the Triangle game. However, if I am a parent I am responsible for helping and instructing my children to gradually grow out of the victim triangle pattern of relating (which is the usual pattern for a small child) and for teaching them and modeling for them how to relate in healthy Nurturing ways toward self and others. Also, if I am a parent, I need to be taking good care of my BNN so that I have the energies needed for nurturing my child's (children's) growth and development and for relating Nurturingly with my co-parent.) Kindness with boundaries: I remind myself to relate in interested, friendly, caring, sensitive and nurturing ways toward self and others WITH BOUNDARIES. One way to simply describe Nurturing Relating and addressing BNN: it's all about thinking and practicing Kindness with boundaries toward self, others, and the world around us. (Genuine, unmanipulative kindness is not rescuing or “supercaretaking” or pleasing or fixing others -- or, in general, doing for others what they need to be doing for themselves, usually while not caring for my own BNN. Furthermore, kindness does not mean allowing people to walk on me or take advantage of me. "With boundaries" helps with understanding healthy Nurturing kindness, because without boundaries, too often kindness can move to Victim when the kindness gets taken advantage of...or kindness can move to Meanie if the kindness is not appreciated in the way the kind person expects, or the kind person responds in mean or angry ways to being taken advantage of.) Validation: In exiting the triangle I remind myself frequently (sometimes through days, weeks, and months) that my feelings make sense and that I, the good person having the feelings, make sense -- even if I am not sure at the moment what the sense is specifically. Just participating in the process of triangle relating produces stress and upset. So I validate myself and my feelings as a way of genuinely and effectively nurturing myself off of the triangle. Remember there is no true nurturing available in triangle relating; validation is so rarely practiced (invalidation and put downs are the norm the world over); and frequent validation practiced toward self and others is one of the most powerful nurturing practices available to human beings.
In this episode, Chris and Carlos welcome a special guest: Addiction Specialist Dr. Sam Fraser. Dr. "Sam" is an authoritative voice in the world of clinical psychology, specializing in trauma. Naturally, we decided to pick his brain on how trauma in our lives from childhood all the way into adulthood can shape how we interact with those around us. Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed! Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com Symptoms of Trauma Handout: https://www.therecoveryjunkies.com/downloads
This week, the Junkies share in detailed honesty about their own person rock bottom experiences. Join us for this open dialogue about what is required when surrendering to the challenges and outcomes of hitting rock bottom. Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed! Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com This weeks journal prompt: https://www.therecoveryjunkies.com/downloads Have you ever experienced a defining moment in your life, in relation to your problematic behavior, that motivated you to do “something different” than you’ve done before? A moment that opened up a window of opportunity to deal with your problematic behavior? (addiction, procrastination, anger, codependency, alcohol, etc). Journal what happened and share it with a close supportive friend.
Today the Junkies tackle the topic of healthy limitations. Chris and Carlos discuss how limitations in ones life could possibly be something beneficial. Through great discussion and personal examples, the guys elaborate on why healthy limitations can actually create freedom, rather than restrictions. Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed! Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com Seinfeld episode reference - "The Opposite": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SclV-UWM4Gw This weeks journal prompt: https://www.therecoveryjunkies.com/downloads What is one thing that you can apply a healthy limitation to this week? Possible limitations to examine: Technology Food Chemical (i.e. Alcohol) Social Interactions Work Finances Travel
The Junkies continue to break down the topic of denial in part two of this discussion. Carlos reviews the denial strategies from part one, and helps us process through two more denial strategies. We detour for a moment into the world of music and its power to stir up emotions and memories from our past; and enjoy another morsel of truth from the cookie jar. Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed! Check us out at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com Recovery Junkies music references from the episode: Maggie Rogers: https://music.apple.com/us/album/heard-it-in-a-past-life/1437448293 RENT Soundtrack: https://music.apple.com/us/album/rent-original-motion-picture-soundtrack/80447021 Psychedelic Furs: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/the-psychedelic-furs-essentials/pl.35fe78ab5e214642a0c0aaa50ee0c277 The Motels: https://music.apple.com/us/album/essential-collection/715826341 The Pretenders: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/pretenders-essentials/pl.28c3175f4191413d8e6a4dadf460037d Blondie: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/blondie-essentials/pl.fca7980afb89417d9c6db7a92fa9f3b2 The Rolling Stones: https://music.apple.com/us/album/shes-a-rainbow/1440746664?i=1440746675 Coldplay Essentials: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/coldplay-essentials/pl.0b42b4ce31584d949e6a0603f3777e6e The Police: https://music.apple.com/us/album/every-breath-you-take/1440882817?i=1440882897 Denial Pattern Checklist (Developed By Terence T. Gorski © Terence T. Gorski, 1999) https://www.therecoveryjunkies.com/downloads Denial Pattern #1. Avoidance: I Say To Myself: "I'll talk about anything but my real problems!" Somewhere deep inside of me I am afraid that I might have a problem with alcohol or drugs that is hurting me and those that I care about. But when I don’t think or talk about it I feel OK. So I think about other things and try to keep people from prying into my life where they don’t belong. My drinking and drugging is private and no one has a right to know anything about it. If someone asks about it, I change the subject and start talking about other things that have nothing to do with my drinking and drugging. If nothing else works, I’ll start an uproar by creating a bad crisis and making sure that they get sucked into it. If all else fails I’ll play dumb and pretend that I don’t know what they’re talking about. Denial Pattern #2. Absolute Denial: I Say To Myself: "No, not me! I don’t have a problem!” When others try to corner me, I tell “the big lie.” I say that I don't have a problem with alcohol or drugs. No! Not me! Absolutely not! I don't drink too much! I don’t use drugs!; I’m not addicted! I never get sick or have problems because of drinking or drugging. I am so good at convincing other people that there is nothing wrong that sometimes I actually start believing it myself. When they believe my story a part of me feels really good because I beat them. Another small part of me feels disappointed. There is a small part that wants others to know what is really happening. There is small scared part inside of me that wants help. Denial Pattern #3: Minimizing: I Say To Myself: "My problems aren’t that bad!" Sometimes my alcohol and drug problems get so bad that I can’t convince myself or others that I don’t have a problem. When this happens I minimize. I make the problems seem smaller than they really are. Yes, I had a small problem with my drinking and drugging. But it only happened that once. It will never happen again. Besides, the problem just wasn’t as bad as people think it is. Denial Pattern #4. Rationalizing: I Say To Myself: "If I can find good enough reasons for my problems, I won’t have to deal with them!" I try to explain away my alcohol and drug problems by making up good explanations for why I drink and what’s “really” causing my problems. Sometimes I’ll pretend to know a lot about alcoholism and addiction so other people will think that I know too much have a problem. The truth is that I rarely if ever apply what I know to myself or to my own problems. Denial Pattern #5. Blaming: I Say To Myself: "If I can prove that my problems are not my fault, I won’t have to deal with them!" When the problems gets so bad that I can’t deny it, I find a scapegoat. I tell everyone that its not my fault that I have these problems with alcohol and drugs. It’s somebody else’s fault. I only abuse alcohol and drugs because of my partner. If you were with a person like this, you’d abuse alcohol and drug too! If you had a job or a boss like mine, you‘d drink and drug as much as I do. It seems that as long as I can blame someone else, I can keep drinking and drugging until that person changes. I don’t have to be responsible for stopping. Denial Pattern #6. Comparing: I Say To Myself: "Showing that others are worse than me, proves that I don’t have serious problems!" I start to focus on other people instead of myself. I find others who have more serious alcohol and drug problems than I do and compare myself to them. I tell myself that I can’t be addicted because I’m not as bad as they are. I know what an addict is! An addict is someone who drinks and drugs a lot more than I do! An addict is someone who has a lot more alcohol and drug- related problems than I do. An addict is someone who is not like me! I tell myself that I can't be addicted because there are other people who have worse problems with alcohol and drugs than I do. Denial Pattern #7: Compliance: I Say To Myself: "I’ll pretend to do what you want, if you’ll leave me alone!" I start going through the motions of getting help. I do what I’m told, no more and no less. I become compliant and promise to do things just to get people off of my back. I find excuses for not following through. When I get caught, I tell people that I did the best that I could. I blame them for not giving me enough help. I tell people how sorry I am. I ask for another chance, make another half hearted commitment, and the cycle of compliance tarts all over again. Denial Pattern #8: Manipulating: I Say To Myself: "I’ll only admit that I have problems, if you agree to solve them for me!” When I my alcohol and drug problems box me into a corner, I start to manipulate. I try to use the people who want to help me. I try to get them to handle all of my problems and then get them to leave me alone so I can keep drinking and drugging. I'll let them help me, but only if they do it for me. I want a quick effortless fix. If I they can’t fix me, I blame them for my failure and use them as an excuse to keep drinking and drugging. I won’t let anyone make me do anything that I don’t want to do. If they try, I'll get drunk at them, blame them, and make them feel guilty. Denial Pattern #9. Flight into Health: I Say To Myself: "Feeling better means that I’m cured!" I manage to stay clean and sober for a while, and things start to get a little bit better. Instead of getting motivated to do more, I convince myself that I’m cured and don’t need to do anything. I tell myself that I may have had a drinking and drug problem, but I got into recovery and put it behind me. Denial Pattern #10: Recovery By Fear: I Say To Myself: "Being scared of my problems will make them go away!" I began to realize that alcohol and other drugs can destroy my life, hurt those that I love, and eventually kill me. The threat is so real that I convince myself that I can't ever use alcohol or drugs again. I start to believe that this fear of destroying my life and killing myself will scare me into permanent sobriety. Since I now know how awful my life will be if I continue to drink and drug, I just won't won’t drink or drug anymore. If I just stop everything will be fine. Since everything will be fine, I won't need treatment or a recovery program. I’ll just quite. Denial Pattern #11: Strategic Hopelessness: I Say To Myself: "Since nothing works, I don't have to try" I start to feel that I’m hopeless. It seems like I’ve done it all and nothing works. I don’t believe that I can change and big part of me just doesn’t want to try anymore. It seems easier just to give up. When people try to help me, I brush them off by telling them that I’m hopeless and will never recover. When people do try to help me, I give them a hard time and make it impossible for them to help me. I don’t understand why people want to help me. It would be easier if they just let me keep drinking and drugging. Denial Pattern #12. The Democratic Disease State: I Say To Myself: "I have the right to destroy myself and no one has the right to stop me!" I convince myself that I have a right to continue to use alcohol and drugs even if it kills me. Yes, I’m addicted. Yes I’m destroying my life. Yes, I’m hurting those that I love. Yes I’m a burden to society. But so what? I have the right to drink and drug myself to death. No one has the right to make me stop. Since my addiction is killing me anyway, I might as well convince myself that I’m dying because I want to. Personalizing The Denial Patterns We can become better at recognizing and managing our own denial if we personalize the denial patterns we selected. This is done by writing a new title and description for each denial pattern we selected in our own words. Here are some examples of personalized denial patterns. 1. (Avoidance) Skating Off The Walls: I know I'm using denial when I refuse to directly answer a question and keep trying to change the subject. 2. (Absolute Denial) Saying It Isn't So: I know I'm using denial when I tell people that I don’t have a problem even though I know deep inside that I do. 3. (Minimizing) Saying It Isn’t That Bad: I know I'm using denial when I admit that I have a problem, but try to tell people that it isn't as bad as they think it is. 4. (Rationalizing) Giving Good Reasons: I know I'm using denial when I try to convince people that there are good reasons for me to have the problem and that because there are good reasons I shouldn't be responsible for having to deal with it. 5. (Blaming) Saying It's Not My Fault: I know I'm using denial when I try to blame someone else for my problem and deny that I a responsible for dealing with it. 6. (Comparison) Criticizing Others: I know I'm using denial when I point out how bad other people's problems are and use that as am reason why my problems aren’t so bad. 7. (Manipulating) Getting Over On Others: I know I'm using denial when I try to get other people to handle the problems for me. 8. (Recovery By Fear) Scared Straight: I know I'm using denial when I tell myself that I could never use alcohol or drugs again because I'm so afraid of what will happen if start drinking and drugging. 9. (Compliance) Being A Good Little Boy: I know I'm using denial when I start telling people what they want to hear to get them off of my back. 10. (Flight Into Health) Suddenly Cured: I know I'm using denial when I believe that my problems have suddenly gone away without my doing anything to solve them. 11. (Strategic Hopelessness) Why Bother: I know I'm using denial when I tell myself that I can never solve my problems and that other people should just leave me alone. 12. (Democratic Disease State) I Have My Rights: I know I'm using denial when I tell other people that I have right to use alcohol and drugs regardless of what happens and that they have no right to try and stop me.
This week, the Junkies dig into part one of a topic no one ever wants to talk about...denial. Carlos helps us unpack the many forms of denial and how we can grow in self awareness when faced with our struggles. We also dip into the cookie jar for another tasty piece of truth. Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed! Find additional information about us: www.therecoveryjunkies.com Denial Pattern Checklist (Developed By Terence T. Gorski © Terence T. Gorski, 1999) https://www.therecoveryjunkies.com/downloads Denial Pattern #1. Avoidance: I Say To Myself: "I'll talk about anything but my real problems!" Somewhere deep inside of me I am afraid that I might have a problem with alcohol or drugs that is hurting me and those that I care about. But when I don’t think or talk about it I feel OK. So I think about other things and try to keep people from prying into my life where they don’t belong. My drinking and drugging is private and no one has a right to know anything about it. If someone asks about it, I change the subject and start talking about other things that have nothing to do with my drinking and drugging. If nothing else works, I’ll start an uproar by creating a bad crisis and making sure that they get sucked into it. If all else fails I’ll play dumb and pretend that I don’t know what they’re talking about. Denial Pattern #2. Absolute Denial: I Say To Myself: "No, not me! I don’t have a problem!” When others try to corner me, I tell “the big lie.” I say that I don't have a problem with alcohol or drugs. No! Not me! Absolutely not! I don't drink too much! I don’t use drugs!; I’m not addicted! I never get sick or have problems because of drinking or drugging. I am so good at convincing other people that there is nothing wrong that sometimes I actually start believing it myself. When they believe my story a part of me feels really good because I beat them. Another small part of me feels disappointed. There is a small part that wants others to know what is really happening. There is small scared part inside of me that wants help. Denial Pattern #3: Minimizing: I Say To Myself: "My problems aren’t that bad!" Sometimes my alcohol and drug problems get so bad that I can’t convince myself or others that I don’t have a problem. When this happens I minimize. I make the problems seem smaller than they really are. Yes, I had a small problem with my drinking and drugging. But it only happened that once. It will never happen again. Besides, the problem just wasn’t as bad as people think it is. Denial Pattern #4. Rationalizing: I Say To Myself: "If I can find good enough reasons for my problems, I won’t have to deal with them!" I try to explain away my alcohol and drug problems by making up good explanations for why I drink and what’s “really” causing my problems. Sometimes I’ll pretend to know a lot about alcoholism and addiction so other people will think that I know too much have a problem. The truth is that I rarely if ever apply what I know to myself or to my own problems. Denial Pattern #5. Blaming: I Say To Myself: "If I can prove that my problems are not my fault, I won’t have to deal with them!" When the problems gets so bad that I can’t deny it, I find a scapegoat. I tell everyone that its not my fault that I have these problems with alcohol and drugs. It’s somebody else’s fault. I only abuse alcohol and drugs because of my partner. If you were with a person like this, you’d abuse alcohol and drug too! If you had a job or a boss like mine, you‘d drink and drug as much as I do. It seems that as long as I can blame someone else, I can keep drinking and drugging until that person changes. I don’t have to be responsible for stopping. Denial Pattern #6. Comparing: I Say To Myself: "Showing that others are worse than me, proves that I don’t have serious problems!" I start to focus on other people instead of myself. I find others who have more serious alcohol and drug problems than I do and compare myself to them. I tell myself that I can’t be addicted because I’m not as bad as they are. I know what an addict is! An addict is someone who drinks and drugs a lot more than I do! An addict is someone who has a lot more alcohol and drug- related problems than I do. An addict is someone who is not like me! I tell myself that I can't be addicted because there are other people who have worse problems with alcohol and drugs than I do. Denial Pattern #7: Compliance: I Say To Myself: "I’ll pretend to do what you want, if you’ll leave me alone!" I start going through the motions of getting help. I do what I’m told, no more and no less. I become compliant and promise to do things just to get people off of my back. I find excuses for not following through. When I get caught, I tell people that I did the best that I could. I blame them for not giving me enough help. I tell people how sorry I am. I ask for another chance, make another half hearted commitment, and the cycle of compliance tarts all over again. Denial Pattern #8: Manipulating: I Say To Myself: "I’ll only admit that I have problems, if you agree to solve them for me!” When I my alcohol and drug problems box me into a corner, I start to manipulate. I try to use the people who want to help me. I try to get them to handle all of my problems and then get them to leave me alone so I can keep drinking and drugging. I'll let them help me, but only if they do it for me. I want a quick effortless fix. If I they can’t fix me, I blame them for my failure and use them as an excuse to keep drinking and drugging. I won’t let anyone make me do anything that I don’t want to do. If they try, I'll get drunk at them, blame them, and make them feel guilty. Denial Pattern #9. Flight into Health: I Say To Myself: "Feeling better means that I’m cured!" I manage to stay clean and sober for a while, and things start to get a little bit better. Instead of getting motivated to do more, I convince myself that I’m cured and don’t need to do anything. I tell myself that I may have had a drinking and drug problem, but I got into recovery and put it behind me. Denial Pattern #10: Recovery By Fear: I Say To Myself: "Being scared of my problems will make them go away!" I began to realize that alcohol and other drugs can destroy my life, hurt those that I love, and eventually kill me. The threat is so real that I convince myself that I can't ever use alcohol or drugs again. I start to believe that this fear of destroying my life and killing myself will scare me into permanent sobriety. Since I now know how awful my life will be if I continue to drink and drug, I just won't won’t drink or drug anymore. If I just stop everything will be fine. Since everything will be fine, I won't need treatment or a recovery program. I’ll just quite. Denial Pattern #11: Strategic Hopelessness: I Say To Myself: "Since nothing works, I don't have to try" I start to feel that I’m hopeless. It seems like I’ve done it all and nothing works. I don’t believe that I can change and big part of me just doesn’t want to try anymore. It seems easier just to give up. When people try to help me, I brush them off by telling them that I’m hopeless and will never recover. When people do try to help me, I give them a hard time and make it impossible for them to help me. I don’t understand why people want to help me. It would be easier if they just let me keep drinking and drugging. Denial Pattern #12. The Democratic Disease State: I Say To Myself: "I have the right to destroy myself and no one has the right to stop me!" I convince myself that I have a right to continue to use alcohol and drugs even if it kills me. Yes, I’m addicted. Yes I’m destroying my life. Yes, I’m hurting those that I love. Yes I’m a burden to society. But so what? I have the right to drink and drug myself to death. No one has the right to make me stop. Since my addiction is killing me anyway, I might as well convince myself that I’m dying because I want to. Personalizing The Denial Patterns We can become better at recognizing and managing our own denial if we personalize the denial patterns we selected. This is done by writing a new title and description for each denial pattern we selected in our own words. Here are some examples of personalized denial patterns. 1. (Avoidance) Skating Off The Walls: I know I'm using denial when I refuse to directly answer a question and keep trying to change the subject. 2. (Absolute Denial) Saying It Isn't So: I know I'm using denial when I tell people that I don’t have a problem even though I know deep inside that I do. 3. (Minimizing) Saying It Isn’t That Bad: I know I'm using denial when I admit that I have a problem, but try to tell people that it isn't as bad as they think it is. 4. (Rationalizing) Giving Good Reasons: I know I'm using denial when I try to convince people that there are good reasons for me to have the problem and that because there are good reasons I shouldn't be responsible for having to deal with it. 5. (Blaming) Saying It's Not My Fault: I know I'm using denial when I try to blame someone else for my problem and deny that I a responsible for dealing with it. 6. (Comparison) Criticizing Others: I know I'm using denial when I point out how bad other people's problems are and use that as am reason why my problems aren’t so bad. 7. (Manipulating) Getting Over On Others: I know I'm using denial when I try to get other people to handle the problems for me. 8. (Recovery By Fear) Scared Straight: I know I'm using denial when I tell myself that I could never use alcohol or drugs again because I'm so afraid of what will happen if start drinking and drugging. 9. (Compliance) Being A Good Little Boy: I know I'm using denial when I start telling people what they want to hear to get them off of my back. 10. (Flight Into Health) Suddenly Cured: I know I'm using denial when I believe that my problems have suddenly gone away without my doing anything to solve them. 11. (Strategic Hopelessness) Why Bother: I know I'm using denial when I tell myself that I can never solve my problems and that other people should just leave me alone. 12. (Democratic Disease State) I Have My Rights: I know I'm using denial when I tell other people that I have right to use alcohol and drugs regardless of what happens and that they have no right to try and stop me.
Join us as Chris, Carlos, Bree, and Dawn share briefly about doing life through the lens of recovery. We ask the question - what is the value of recovery? During the episode we discuss facing ones giants, growing in empathy, the value of being in community, and examining what true, healthy intimacy looks like. Windows of the Soul: Hearing God in the Everyday Moments of Your Life: https://www.amazon.com/Windows-Soul-Hearing-Everyday-Moments/dp/0310352274 The Cure: What if God isn't who you think He is and neither are you?: https://www.amazon.com/Cure-What-isnt-think-neither/dp/1934104086/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=The+Cure&qid=1567476542&s=books&sr=1-1 Intimate Treason: Healing the Trauma for Partners Confronting Sex Addiction: https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Treason-Partners-Confronting-Addiction/dp/1936290936/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=claudia+black&qid=1567476700&s=books&sr=1-5
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