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3 episodes with darlene lancer
3 episodes with darlene lancer
2 episodes with darlene lancer
2 episodes with darlene lancer
2 episodes with darlene lancer
2 episodes with darlene lancer
2 episodes with darlene lancer
2 episodes with darlene lancer
2 episodes with darlene lancer
In this episode, Kristen is joined by Darlene Lancer, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, and expert on relationships, to explore the connection between shame and codependency, and how these emotional patterns can influence behavior and contribute to trauma. whatiscodependency.com darlenelancer.com You can buy Darlene's books through the Amazon affiliate links below. Shopping through these links helps support the podcast at no extra cost to you! Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You: https://amzn.to/48MyzBZ Codependency For Dummies: https://amzn.to/3CmR03P Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships: https://amzn.to/4fyE89c Subscribe and get a free 5-day journal at www.kristendboice.com to begin closing the chapter on what doesn't serve you and open the door to the real you. This information is being provided to you for educational and informational purposes only. It is being provided to you to educate you about ideas on stress management and as a self-help tool for your own use. It is not psychotherapy/counseling in any form. This information is to be used at your own risk based on your own judgment. For my full Disclaimer please go to www.kristendboice.com. For counseling services near Indianapolis, IN, visit www.pathwaystohealingcounseling.com. Pathways to Healing Counseling's vision is to provide warm, caring, compassionate and life-changing counseling services and educational programs to individuals, couples and families in order to create learning, healing and growth.
Darlene Lancer is a Marriage and Family Therapist and author with over 30 years of experience working with clients through the complex web of codependency. If relationships, self-worth, and personal growth are important to you, this is what you need to hear. Darlene is a renowned expert in codependency and the author of several books, including Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Darlene walks us through the intricate relationship between codependent and narcissistic partners. She reveals the childhood roots around each and the impact of shame central to both. Darlene shared valuable insights like how to recognize negative self-talk, which fuels codependent habits, and instead embrace self-worth and break free from unhealthy relationship patterns. Join us as we uncover the insidious complexities of codependency and learn how to become empowered to lead healthier, more fulfilling lives.
Dr. C welcomes author and therapist, Darlene Lancer, whose expertise is the exploration of narcissists, codependents, and the problem of shame. She explains how necessary it is to be aware of a narcissist's dominance, especially if you are inclined to lay aside your true self in deference to the controller. Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert author on relationships, narcissism, and codependency. She's counseled individuals and couples for over 30 years and coaches internationally. Her 10 books include Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You, Codependency for Dummies and seven ebooks, including 10 Steps to Self-Esteem, How To Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People, "I'm Not Perfect - I'm Only Human" - How to Beat Perfectionism, and Freedom from Guilt and Blame - Finding Self-Forgiveness. They're available on Amazon, other online booksellers. and her website, www.whatiscodependency.com, where you can get a free copy of “14 Tips for Letting Go.” She's a sought-after speaker in media and at professional conferences. Find her on Soundcloud, Clyp, LinkedIn, Youtube, Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Thank you to Aura for sponsoring this episode. Secure your online presence and get 40% off of all plans using my link: https://aura.com/DrCarter Sign up for Dr. Carter's NEW course: Ready, Set, Connect https://courses.survivingnarcissism.tv/courses/ready-set-connect Get 30% off when you use the coupon code: SNCommunity30 Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Join the Team Healthy community HERE: https://survivingnarcissism.tv/subscribe/ Check out videos, articles, quizzes, and more at our website: https://survivingnarcissism.tv You can follow Surviving Narcissism on: Twitter: @SNarcissism101 Instagram: @survivingnarcissism101 Facebook: @survivingnarcissism101 Dr. Carter has two other courses that you may find to be useful: Free to Be: Reclaim & rediscover your uniqueness https://survivingnarcissism.tv/free-to-be-course/ This Is Me: Setting boundaries with the controllers in your life https://survivingnarcissism.tv/this-is-me Dr. Carter's personal website: http://drlescarter.com/ Dr. Carter's other YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/drlescarterBookstore: https://survivingnarcissism.tv/books-on-narcissism-surviving-narcissism/ If you are interested in online therapy, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. As the need is there, please seek the help you deserve: https://betterhelp.com/survivingnarcissismpodcast We receive commissions on referrals to BetterHelp. We only recommend services that we trust.
SHOW NOTES: On this show…we are untangling our minds as we strive to decode the web of warped thinking and codependency. In the intricate tapestry of human relationships, certain threads can become entangled, creating knots that affect our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Warped thinking, also known as distorted thinking or cognitive distortions, refers to patterns of thought that are irrational, negative, and often contribute to emotional distress. Don't worry, there are different degrees of warp from slightly askew to extreme torque. But here's the good news, nothing is broken here and with a little work and a shift in perspective, you can open up a whole new world of thinking. Raise your hand if you've ever had good intentions to take a radical turn to manipulation and control. Too soon…ok, hang in there. Maybe you know something is off but you're just not sure why or how. It seems like you're always left holding the bag and things never turn out the way you had hoped. By the way, just using the words “always” and “never” means you're listening at the right time. When left unchecked, warped thinking can become a breeding ground for unhealthy behaviors and relationships. So thanks for checking in and making the commitment to learn more. Let's dive in… At breakingthecycles.com I found some foundational information to get us started: Cognitive Distortions – When Reality Isn't What You Think | by expert Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT Goodtherapy.org is a great place to learn more about what you might be dealing with. I found a breakdown of Codependency At medicalnewstoday.com I found an important difference on Codependence vs. Dependence that I think we need to explore Elizabeth Woods helps us explore this idea of Healing Your Wounded “Inner Child” found at the Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Foundation CHALLENGE: Untangling the web of warped thinking and codependency is a journey that requires self-reflection, courage, and a commitment to personal growth. Take your time, you're worth it! I Know YOU Can Do It!
Are you with a Narcissist? The term “narcissism” has been used a lot lately, but there are some truths and myths about what it really means. A narcissist can be defined as someone who has excessive interest and admiration of themselves, needing constant admiration, and often puts other people down to feel better (lacking empathy). In relationships they can make you suffer. Our guest on Love University Podcast, Darlene Lancer (Santa Monica Counseling, Psychotherapist in Santa Monica, CA - Darlene Lancer, MFT), therapist and author (Codependency for Dummies), shed light on the narcissistic personality and how to protect yourself from them. *Narcissists can be exciting in the beginning. Because they need to win you over to feel good about themselves, they can love bomb you (give you over the top affection, fun, and romance). Once they win you over, then they start to devalue you—you're never good enough for them. *Narcissists are wounded early in life. One of the biggest causes of the narcissistic personality is a childhood emotional wound—primarily large amounts of shame. When parents say, “You're bad,” or “You shouldn't feel that way” to children, they often start to feel inferior. To compensate, they may “inflate” their ego to appear better, stronger, and smarter, while at the same time putting others down to feel better. *There is such a thing as healthy narcissism. A healthy narcissist is someone who takes care of themselves, and demonstrates confidence, leadership, and goal setting. They believe in themselves and their abilities, and they are able to get things done. The key is having just the right amount of narcissism (self-love) while also being compassionate and empathetic to the needs of others. *You can escape from a destructive narcissist. Because they don't really value you, narcissists can be destructive to your self-esteem. To get away from them—relationship or marriage—you can try several approaches. One is to “gray rock” them—you become unresponsive or dull so they leave you. Also, avoid getting into an emotional back and forth argument with them—communicate your needs in a straightforward way, while establishing boundaries (“I won't accept that”). Finally, cultivate self-love—eat healthy, exercise, engage in your preferred hobbies and activities, spend time with support friends, and cultivate a spiritual or meditative practice. The key to a happy and healthy life is balance. If you have co-dependent tendencies—rely excessively on your partner emotionally and always put them first—you will suffer from lack of self-worth. If you have too much narcissism (excessive self-absorption), then you will alienate others and never be completely happy. The solution is to follow the middle path: maintain humbleness and compassion, while also having confidence, self-belief, and self-love. If you do this, you will achieve your potential and develop healthy and balanced relationships.
Today Mariel & Melissa welcome Licensed Family Therapist Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT - Author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist," "Codependency for Dummies," and "Conquering Shame and Codependency." Follow Darlene on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram at www.whatiscodependency.com Hosts - Mariel Hemingway & Melissa Yamaguchi Executive Producer - Jeremiah D. Higgins Senior Sound Engineer - Richard Dugan Producer and Sound Engineer - Slater Smith Click to Donate to the Mariel Hemingway Foundation account.venmo.com/u/MHFOUNDATION Follow us on Instagram www.instagram.com/marielhemingwayfoundation/ Subscribe to the Mariel Hemingway Foundation Youtube Channel Here www.youtube.com/channel/UCR168j3R1Mtx0iUQXs-VigA
Mariel and Melissa welcome licensed marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer to the show. Darlene has been helping men and women recover from codependency trauma for over 30 years. She has written several books, including “Codependency for Dummies” and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Her latest book “Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships” will help you take back your power and independence, reclaim yourself and improve your relationship. You can purchase Darlene's new book on her website whatiscodependency.com or on amazon and Barnes & Nobel. Hosts - Mariel Hemingway & Melissa Yamaguchi Producer and Sound Engineer - Slater Smith Click to Donate to the Mariel Hemingway Foundation Follow us on Instagram Subscribe to the Mariel Hemingway Foundation Youtube channel here
Childhood abandonment and neglect issues can manifest in seemingly unrelated ways in adulthood. In this episode, Tony helps you identify how they show up and how you can help your kids become more emotionally intelligent and resilient. Tony's muse today is an article by Jonice Webb, a licensed psychologist and author of two books, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect https://amzn.to/3GewB03 and Running On Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships with Your Partner, Your Parents, and Your Children https://amzn.to/3m9fw0B He discusses the impact of emotional abandonment and neglect on your children and yourself. Why Emotional Neglect Can Feel Like Abandonment by Jonice Webb Ph.D. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/childhood-emotional-neglect/202303/why-emotional-neglect-can-feel-like-abandonmentTony also references the article "Attachment Woes Between Anxious and Avoidant Partners" by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202008/attachment-woes-between-anxious-and-avoidant-partnersFind all the latest links to podcasts, courses, Tony's newsletter, and more at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchInside ACT for Anxiety Disorder Course is Open! Visit https://praxiscet.com/virtualcouch Inside ACT for Anxiety Disorders; Dr. Michael Twohig will teach you the industry-standard treatment used by anxiety-treatment experts around the world. Through 6 modules of clear instruction and clinical demonstrations, you will learn how to create opportunities for clients to practice psychological flexibility in the presence of anxiety. After completing the course material, you'll have a new, highly effective anxiety treatment tool that can be used with every anxiety-related disorder, from OCD to panic disorder to generalized anxiety disorder.And follow Tony on the Virtual Couch YouTube channel to see a sneak preview of his upcoming podcast "Murder on the Couch," where True Crime meets therapy, co-hosted with his daughter Sydney. You can watch a pre-release clip here https://youtu.be/-RkRq8SrQy0Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ
Tony shares and responds to the article “The 10 Best Predictors of a Bad Romantic Relationship” by Seth Gillihan, PhD https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/202301/the-10-best-predictors-of-a-bad-romantic-relationship Tony also references the article “Attachment Woes Between Anxious and Avoidant Partners,” by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202008/attachment-woes-between-anxious-and-avoidant-partners And follow Tony on the Virtual Couch YouTube channel to see a sneak preview of his upcoming podcast “Murder on the Couch,” where True Crime meets therapy, co-hosted with his daughter Sydney. You can watch a pre-release clip here https://youtu.be/-RkRq8SrQy0 Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts. Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ
This week Kara and Liza recap “Dominance” (Season 4, Episode 20), analyze the horrific Wichita Massacre, and chop it up with the delightful Caren Browning aka CSU Captain Judith Siper.SOURCES:The New York TimesOxygenWichita-massacre.comNewsweekUS NewsThe Topeka Capital-JournalLawrence Journal-World 1Lawrence Journal-World 2Wichita State UniversityForgottenvictims.comCNNThe Washington TimesCBS NewsKAKEKansas State University FoundationJason Befort Memorial TournamentMental FlossWHAT WOULD SISTER PEG DO:‘Sibling Bullying and Abuse: The Hidden Epidemic' by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFThttps://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202002/sibling-bullying-and-abuse-the-hidden-epidemicNext week's episode will be “Perverted” (Season 11, Episode 9).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
When is a relationship worth fighting for and when is the only answer to walk away? Is it possible to work through dysfunctional patterns with a partner and get the outcomes you want? You know that I always say if there is physical abuse, GET OUT! But dysfunction exists on a spectrum, and just because someone has a personality disorder or dysfunctional traits doesn't mean they will always become abusive. In fact, many people in difficult relationships don't want to leave…they want to figure out how to make it work. Darlene Lancer, a licensed therapist and narcissism and codependency expert, joined me on the show today to help break down what abuse is, why abusive relationships are so hard to leave and the situations where someone with narcissistic traits can change and become a good partner…and when it's time to walk. She explains the five different types of abuse, the surprising and subtle ways it can show up and how our own childhood dynamics and emotional health play a role in how easily we can see and remove ourselves from abusive dynamics. Darlene also explains why some non-abusive people with narcissistic personality traits can learn how to be supportive partners and communicate in better ways and why it's necessary for codependents to build self-worth and change the dance with their partners. Listen to discover: Whether or not a narcissist can change What trauma bonding is and how it originates Why abusive relationships are so hard to leave The 5 different kinds of abuse Examples of subtle and not-so-subtle abuse The dynamics of codependency and narcissism Why people fall for dysfunctional partners and how to create healthier patterns in relationships This episode is not an invitation to try to change anyone. People – and especially narcissists – have to be self-aware and want to change for themselves before any transformation can happen. This episode is designed to help you understand the relationship between narcissism and codependency and what abuse looks like so you can more easily identify when it's time to get out vs. when there might be hope of working it out. "All mental illness exists on a continuum." - Darlene Lancer "If you suspect you're being abused, you probably are." - Darlene Lancer "When you're in a dysfunctional relationship, the person that you're with will want to isolate you." - Michelle Chalfant “[Narcissists] are all about impression management. Because of their inner low self-esteem and shame…they want to make you admire them.” - Darlene Lancer "An abuser isn't abusive all the time." - Darlene Lancer "If it feels off in some way, it probably is." - Michelle Chalfant "Narcissists' demands are relentless, and you'll never satisfy them." - Darlene Lancer "Projection is a confession." - Darlene Lancer "Blaming and shaming is pretty universal with abusers. And the problem is that codependents have shame of their own." - Darlene Lancer "Some idealization is normal, but when it clouds the negative behavior and it overtakes your reason, then that's a sign of some problem within us." - Darlene Lancer "A narcissist...doesn't see people as separate from them where a codependent doesn't see themselves as separate from others." - Darlene Lancer "Codependents, they want to get along, so they'll compromise. And you keep compromising away until you disappear." - Darlene Lancer LINKS & RESOURCES Darlene Lancer Website https://darlenelancer.com/ "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist" (Darlene Lancer Book) https://www.amazon.com/Dating-Loving-Leaving-Narcissist-Relationships/dp/0578373181/ Episode #257: Unlearning Codependency with Darlene Lancer https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/257/ National Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.thehotline.org/help/ The Adult Chair® Workshop Nashville: November 3-5, 2022 https://theadultchair.com/nashville Tanasi https://tanasi.com/ Use code ADULT for 50% off your first order MORE ADULT CHAIR The Adult Chair® Website https://theadultchair.com The Adult Chair® Membership https://theadultchair.com/membership/ The Adult Chair® Events https://theadultchair.com/events/ The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification https://theadultchair.com/certification STAY CONNECTED Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/ The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant
Darlene Lancer is a therapist and author of 10 books, including "Codependency For Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency". In today's episode, we discuss her personal journey of recovery, codependency and her latest book - Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships.Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in relationships, narcissism, and codependency. In her private clinical practice, she has treated individuals and couples for over 30 years and coaches internationally. She's a sought-after speaker at national conferences, in media, and to professional groups and institutions. Before becoming a psychotherapist, Ms. Lancer was a successful entertainment lawyer.Darlene's Blog - What is CodependencyDarlene's BooksSupport the Podcast -https://www.patreon.com/adultchildwww.buymeacoffee.com/adultchildFollow Andrea on social -www.instagram.com/adultchildpodwww.tiktok.com/@adultchildpodMid-roll music source https://soundcloud.com/dave_wave/a-friend-like-me-electro-swing-remix (I do not own the rights of song - for entertainment purposes only)--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------EPISODE SPONSORIntegrative Life Center is designed to help heal individuals struggling with mental health, addiction, eating disorders, trauma, sex, love and intimacy disorders, and and other life situations that have gotten in the way of living a satisfying and meaningful life. Their specialized programs aim not just to treat the problematic behaviors you can see, but the underlying trauma that's driving that behavior.With locations in Nashville, Tennessee, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Oxford, Mississippi, and Berthoud, Colorado and work with most major insurances on an out-of-network basis, and have a full continuum of in-patient programs – from two-week intensives; 30-day residential options; to extended care programming. Call the experts at Integrative Life Network today for a free phone consultation to see if they have a program that may be right for you.Talk to an admissions specialist today for a free phone consultation at 615-610-5399 or email them directly and info@integrativelifenetwork.com.Support the show
Subscribe in a reader Today codependency expert Darlene Lancer highlights the overlapping traits of codependency between the narcissist and their victims. to learn more about Darlene’s book – Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships – Darlene Lancer – https://amzn.to/3IZw3v1 Visit her website for great information […] The post Codependency Traits in Narcissists & Their Victims – Darlene Lancer appeared first on Narcissist Abuse Support.
Carla and Sherry share their favorite snacks, from Tostitos to eggs with ketchup. They take a Love Fix question about a listener who feels like they are constantly in denial about their relationship, and then welcome Darlene Lancer, best-selling author, psychotherapist, and international relationship expert on narcissism and codependency. Darlene shares some of her wisdom from writing 10 books and counseling individuals and couples for over 30 years and shines a light on some traits of a narcissist, how to spot one, and why certain people are more vulnerable to this behavior. Connect with Us! The Love Fix | @thelovefixpodcast Get 1:1 Dating & Relationship Coaching The Love Fix Relationship Quiz Sherry Website | Sign up for your FREE strategy call for life coaching/psychotherapy with Sherry Sherry Gaba | Psychotherapist, Life Coach & Author | Join Sherry's Inner Circle for healing from Narcissistic Abuse, Codependency, and Love Addiction -($1 trial or 1/2 off 6 months free) Carla Website | Instagram | Facebook | Contagious Love | Online Dating Bootcamp Darlene Website| Blog | Codependency for Dummies Sign up to be in TDR database: https://www.threedayrule.com/CarlaRomo Today's episode is sponsored by Carla's book Contagious Love: Break Free from Codependency for Damn Good and Sherry's book Love Smacked: How To Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency To Find Everlasting Love. Thanks to Contagious Love and Love Smacked for sponsoring this episode. What You'll Hear In This Episode: The one inherited personality trait that researchers have found narcissists share. Narcissists score low on agreeableness as an inherited trait. They tend to think they are entitled to special treatment and that they are above the law. How narcissistic personalities are actually a defense to shame. Can narcissists be aggressive? Check out Darlene's impressive body of work and free articles, along with how to work with Sherry and Carla on overcoming codependency, dating, break-ups, healing from toxic relationships, and gaining confidence. Why do narcissists act so nice at first, but end up being so hard to get along with? Why it typically takes people several meetings to notice a narcissist and especially in dating, a narcissist's goal is to try even harder to make you like them. A codependents' goal is to connect, and they feel safe when they are in a relationship. What is the “Q-TIP” acronym? What are some signs you are vulnerable to a narcissist? How can codependents gain their own power? Disclaimer: The Love Fix Podcast content has been made available for informational, entertainment, and educational purposes only. The Love Fix Podcast is distinctly different from coaching, counseling, psychotherapy, or psychoanalysis and does not deal with the diagnosis or treatment of emotional problems. The Love Fix podcast does not constitute medical consultation or treatment, health insurance does not apply.
The Matt Phifer Experience makes emotional intelligence contagious. Every Monday and Friday, you can listen to new conversations with some of the most insightful people in this world straight from your computer or mobile device! With episodes available for streaming on-demand immediately after they air, there's never been an easier way to learn about what is emotional intelligence.
Welcome to Episode 160 where we focus on the book The Five Levels of Attachment by Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr. In this episode we focus on Don Miguel Ruiz Jr's book, The Five Levels of attachment and we look at how the more attached we become to something or someone outside of ourselves, the more we lose touch with who we really are. We discuss some of the many costs to our health, our relationships, and even our communities the more enveloped and entrenched we get into the nouns outside of ourselves. Taking this concept of attachment and looking at the cost to our mental health and our relationships was our focus today and will be next week as well. As we look at what freedom can truly look and feel like... Key Elements: Learn what the Five Levels of Attachment are. Look at some of the costs to our well-being and relationships. Focus on ways to prevent becoming too attached to outcomes. “When we let go of our reactions and detach from other people's moods, actions, and words, we take back our power.” – Darlene Lancer Resources: Make sure you sign up for the bonus downloads at www.ownitpowercast.com. Tribe members will receive them in their email each week. Thank you for tuning in to this podcast. Please remember to leave a positive review on your podcast platform and let us know how this episode has been helpful. Also don't forget to subscribe to this podcast on Apple Podcasts, Google Play or Spotify so you don't miss a thing!
Darlene Lancer stops by to chat about what to do if you are in a relationship with a narcissist. Darlene is an internationally sought after relationship expert and media spokesperson on narcissism and codependency, a psychotherapist and author of 9 books, including Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You and Codependency for Dummies. She's counseled individuals and couples for 30 years and coaches internationally. Her ebooks include: 10 Steps to Self-Esteem, How To Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People, "I'm Not Perfect - I'm Only Human" - How to Beat Perfectionism, and Freedom from Guilt and Blame - Finding Self-Forgiveness. They're available on Amazon, other online booksellers and her website, www.whatiscodependency.com, where visitors can get a free copy of “14 Tips for Letting Go". To find Darlene's fantastic resources please visit: LinkedIn Youtube Twitter Instagram Facebook Codependency Page Facebook Profile Facebook Professional Page Pinterest
Darlene Lancer JD LMFT I bring a wide range of professional and life experience to my practice as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship and codependency expert. I wrote Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Over the course of 30 years, I've been providing self-esteem and codependency counseling and helped countless men and women recover from codependency and trauma.
Codependency is one of my favorite topics I know firsthand what it's like to live on the other side of the street and lose all sense of myself. I think so many people suffer from codependency and aren't even aware. That is why I am committed to talking about it and sharing information about it on this podcast. Setting boundaries for a codependent person is a terrifying thing-almost impossible because a person who has codependent tendencies puts their value and wholeness in the hands of others. Therefore, boundaries = major risk!!! My guest today, Darlene Lancer, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, author and expert on codependency and relationships. She has worked with couples and individuals for 30 years, and she shares SO much valuable information in today's show about what codependency looks like, how to begin recovery, the connection between shame and codependency, the connection between codependency and narcissism and practical steps to becoming a healthy, whole you. Listen to Discover Definition of Codependency The 5 Core Symptoms of Codependency How we become codependent Why codependents struggle with authenticity and vulnerability The 4 steps we can take toward codependency recovery “Codependency is a person who's thinking and behavior revolves around something or something else rather than coming from their innate self. Your thinking and behavior revolves around something outside of you.” -Darlene Lancer “The more we look outside of ourselves for our worth, the emptier and emptier we become inside.” In the later stages of codependency we can turn into an empty shell of ourselves.” -Darlene Lancer “Codependents lose themselves in relationship.” -Darlene Lancer “Parents are to mirror back to us our worth and enough-ness and when that doesn't happen there's a rift in the development of who we are.” -Krista Resnick “Shame is a core sentiment of codependency.”- Darlene Lancer “It's not enough to say I love you….it's about valuing you for WHO you are…your authentic self.” -Darlene Lancer LINKS FROM THE EPISODE: Darlene Lancer Website Krista Resnick Instagram Facebook Empowered Boundaries Facebook Community
GUEST OVERVIEW: Darlene Lancer has helped hundreds of patients having hardships in all types of relationships. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and international relationship expert and media spokesperson on narcissism and co-dependency. GUEST WEBSITE: https://whatiscodependency.com/jung-dream-analysis-symbol-interpretation
Gaslighting 101, it is a thing and our guest knows all about it.Darlene Lancer is an author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert in relationships and codependency.
The core problem in relationships with narcissists is that they prioritize power and sacrifice the relationship to get it, while their partners prioritize the relationship and sacrifice themselves to keep it. Today's special guest is codependency and narcissism expert Darlene Lancer. In her book, Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissistt: Essential Tools for Improving or LeavingNarcissistic and Abusive Relationships, Darlene pinpoints the dilemma and solution offering hope to any partner, parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a narcissist or abuser. This insightful, researched, and relatable workbook provides a path to end their suffering and improve the relationship. It includes transformative Tools for Improving and Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationship and is packed with exercises, checklists, a step-by-step plan with scripts, and advice to reclaim their power in the relatonship Darlene Lancer offers her insight into typical problems people in a narcissistic relationship face, and the mistakes they make. By becoming aware of these, people will start to regain their own POWER, and finally start to live the life they deserve. Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in relationships, narcissism, and codependency. In her private clinical practice, she has treated individuals and couples for over 30 years and coaches internationally. She's a sought-after speaker at national conferences, in media, and to professional groups and institutions. Before and has published several books. Her articles have been published widely in professional and popular periodicals. Blogs and more information about her seminars and coaching packages are available on her website, www.whatiscodependency.com
Author licensed marriage/family therapist Darlene Lancer talks about her latest book “Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist” as a transformable and relatable guide that'll help you understand and improve your relationship with a step-by-step guide to discover signs of a narcissist, confront abuse, identify, understand and regain control! Darlene has coached and counseled individuals and couples for over 30 years and also written “Conquering Shame and Co-Dependency: 8 Steps to Freeing The True You” and “Co-Dependency For Dummies” and more! Check out her latest book on Amazon and www.whatiscodependency.comtoday! #darlenelancer #marriagecounselor #familytherapist #narcissist #narcissism #dating #loving #stepbystepguide #codependency #datinglovingandleavinganarcissist #amazon #audible #iheartradio #spreaker #spotify #itunes #googleplay #applemusic #youtube #podbean #anchorfm #mikewagner #themikewagnershow #mikewagnerdarlenelancer #themikewagnershowdarlenelancer --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/themikewagnershow/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/themikewagnershow/support
Author licensed marriage/family therapist Darlene Lancer talks about her latest book “Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist” as a transformable and relatable guide that'll help you understand and improve your relationship with a step-by-step guide to discover signs of a narcissist, confront abuse, identify, understand and regain control! Darlene has coached and counseled individuals and couples for over 30 years and also written “Conquering Shame and Co-Dependency: 8 Steps to Freeing The True You” and “Co-Dependency For Dummies” and more! Check out her latest book on Amazon and www.whatiscodependency.comtoday! #darlenelancer #marriagecounselor #familytherapist #narcissist #narcissism #dating #loving #stepbystepguide #codependency #datinglovingandleavinganarcissist #amazon #audible #iheartradio #spreaker #spotify #itunes #googleplay #applemusic #youtube #podbean #anchorfm #mikewagner #themikewagnershow #mikewagnerdarlenelancer #themikewagnershowdarlenelancer --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/themikewagnershow/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/themikewagnershow/support
Author licensed marriage/family therapist Darlene Lancer talks about her latest book “Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist” as a transformable and relatable guide that'll help you understand and improve your relationship with a step-by-step guide to discover signs of a narcissist, confront abuse, identify, understand and regain control! Darlene has coached and counseled individuals and couples for over 30 years and also written “Conquering Shame and Co-Dependency: 8 Steps to Freeing The True You” and “Co-Dependency For Dummies” and more! Check out her latest book on Amazon and www.whatiscodependency.com today! #darlenelancer #marriagecounselor #familytherapist #narcissist #narcissism #dating #loving #stepbystepguide #codependency #datinglovingandleavinganarcissist #amazon #audible #iheartradio #spreaker #spotify #itunes #googleplay #applemusic #youtube #podbean #anchorfm #mikewagner #themikewagnershow #mikewagnerdarlenelancer #themikewagnershowdarlenelancer
GUEST OVERVIEW: Darlene Lancer has helped hundreds of patients having hardships in all types of relationships. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and international relationship expert and media spokesperson on narcissism and co-dependency. She's counselled individuals and couples for over 30 years and coaches internationally. Her books include Conquering Shame and Co-dependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You and Co-dependency for Dummies and seven ebooks. Her new book, Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships, will be released soon.
Brandon talks with Darlene Lancer (LMFT) about the personality types that attract a narcissist & if a narcissist is capable of love. Plus they discuss codependency, narcissistic personality disorder, NPD, narcissist types, getting your needs met, regaining your sense of self after abuse, and much more. *** Please excuse the chimes in the background. It wasn't picked up until much later.*** If you want to be a guest on our survivor story podcast, please click here or send us an email at narcissistapocalypse@gmail.com You can find Darlene Lancer at her website https://whatiscodependency.com/ or at https://darlenelancer.com/ and you can email her at info@darlenelancer.com for her narcissist checklist. Here is a link to all the blogs mentioned on the show https://whatiscodependency.com/blog/ A link to Darlene's new book Dating, Loving, & Leaving A Narcissist Thank you to our sponsor CREDIT KARMA. Check your credit score on Credit Karma for free! Plus Credit Karma can find you loan offers at creditkarma.com/loanoffers and that's 100% free too! Head on over to creditkarma.com/loanoffers and find personalized loan offers that fit you today! Thank you to our sponsor BETTERHELP. If you need online counseling from anywhere in the world, please do go to https://www.betterhelp.com/nap Get started today and enjoy 10% off your first month. If you or someone you know are experiencing abuse, you are not alone. DomesticShelters.org offers an extensive library of articles and resources that can help you make sense of what you're experiencing, connect you with local resources and find ways to heal and move forward. Visit www.domesticshelters.org to access this free resource. Join our new Community Social Network at https://community.narcissistapocalypse.com/ Join our Instagram Channel at https://www.instagram.com/narcissistapocalypse Join our Youtube Channel at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpTIgjTqVJa4caNWMIAJllA Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Brandon talks with Darlene Lancer (LMFT) about the personality types that attract a narcissist & if a narcissist is capable of love. Plus they discuss codependency, narcissistic personality disorder NPD, narcissist types, getting your needs met, regaining your sense of self after abuse, and much more. *** Please excuse the chimes in the background. It wasn't picked up until much later.*** If you want to be a guest on our survivor story podcast, please click here or send us an email at narcissistapocalypse@gmail.com You can find Darlene Lancer at her website https://whatiscodependency.com/ or at https://darlenelancer.com/ and you can email her at info@darlenelancer.com for her narcissist checklist. Here is a link to all the blogs mentioned on the show https://whatiscodependency.com/blog/ A link to Darlene's new book Dating, Loving, & Leaving A Narcissist Thank you to our sponsor CREDIT KARMA. Check your credit score on Credit Karma for free! Plus Credit Karma can find you loan offers at creditkarma.com/loanoffers and that's 100% free too! Head on over to creditkarma.com/loanoffers and find personalized loan offers that fit you today! Thank you to our sponsor BETTERHELP. If you need online counseling from anywhere in the world, please do go to https://www.betterhelp.com/nap Get started today and enjoy 10% off your first month.
Subscribe in a reader #Narcissism #NarcissistAbuse #narcissist Learn more about Darlene Lancer at whatiscodependency.com FREE – AUDIOBOOK FROM AUDIBLE – http://www.audibletrial.com/Narcissist *As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. Listen to my podcasts anytime by subscribing with your favorite provider! The post Understanding the balance of power in a narcissistic relationship- Darlene Lancer appeared first on Narcissist Abuse Support.
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in relationships, narcissism, and codependency. In her private clinical practice, she has treated individuals and couples for over 30 years and coaches internationally. She's a sought-after speaker at national conferences, in media, and to professional groups and institutions. Darlene's articles have been published widely in professional and popular periodicals. See her Kindle ebooks, "10 Steps to Self-Esteem - The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism," "How to Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits," "Dealing with a Narcissist - 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Limits with Difficult People," "I'm Not Perfect - I'm Only Human" - How to Beat Perfectionism," "Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps," "Codependency Recovery Daily Reflections," and "Freedom From Guilt and Blame - Finding Self-Forgiveness." Blogs and more information about her seminars and coaching packages are available on her website, www.whatiscodependency.com, where you can get a free report, "14 Tips for Letting Go" You can follow Darlene on Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, and on Twitter. Find her also on www.youtube.com, soundcloud.com, and Clyp.com. In today's episode, Clarissa and Molly speak with Darlene about: Her personal and professional journeys What is shame? How & Why Shame is counterproductive How shame manifests Whether or not there are gender differences in experiencing shame Parental relationships and shame Coping skills required to be resilient to shame What signs/symptoms to look for How to start your healing journey Future projects Our Signature Question with a twist! Follow Darlene: Website: https://whatiscodependency.com/ Facebook: www.facebook.com/codependencyrecovery LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/darlenelancer/ Instagram: @Darlenelancerlmft Twitter: @darlenelancer YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCt0aeT_Dd-Ou4HsBSlbbxTw/feed Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/darlenelancer-1 Clyp: https://clyp.it/u/darlenelancer The content of our show is educational only. It does not supplement or supersede the professional relationship and direction of your healthcare provider. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified mental health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, substance use disorder, or mental health concern.
Tony reads listener emails including one that asks questions about how to avoid passing along narcissistic trauma to your children and he reads an amazing poem submitted by a listener that beautifully describes the process of awakening to the narcissistic traits and tendencies of a partner. He also discusses how avoidant and anxious attachment styles often come from emotionally unavailable/immature parents. He refers to the article "Attachment Woes Between Anxious and Avoidant Partners" by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202008/attachment-woes-between-anxious-and-avoidant-partners With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts. Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=v95myQ
Over time, many couples find themselves in a familiar pursue/withdrawal relationship. One partner may feel like they are doing everything in the relationship only at the expense of getting their own validation or needs met. Still, their partner often becomes more distant when they express their frustration. But there is also a fear that if the partner stops reminding their spouse that they aren't getting their needs met, they will NEVER be satisfied. So goes the all-too-familiar dance of the anxious/avoidant attached couple. Tony shares his experiences as a couples therapist on how these couples arrive on his couch, and more importantly, what to do to get the relationship to a more mature, healthy state. Tony references the article "Attachment Woes Between Anxious and Avoidant Partners" by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202008/attachment-woes-between-anxious-and-avoidant-partners With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts. Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ
Content provided by: https://psychologytoday.com “What to do when you get triggered” by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT • https://verywellmind.com “When Oversharing turns into trauma dumping and how to stop” by Cathy Cassata • DDOD by Urban Dictionary --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
It's time to talk about acceptance again! Even the Recovery Junkies struggle with the word “acceptance.” It sounds like we should just give up and resign ourselves to a life of misery. But that's not what acceptance is about at all! We need acceptance in order to live in reality. Acceptance enables us to accept what is happening rather than reacting against it with anger or withdrawal; instead, we can calmly face the situation and respond appropriately. Acceptance means acknowledging that something happened (rather than denying or distorting it), feeling whatever emotions are appropriate without becoming overwhelmed by them, and then responding adaptively rather than reactively. In this episode Carlos and Chris enjoy a discussion about what happens when we become free from unnecessary pain and suffering and experience greater well-being and peace of mind through the act of accepting what we cannot control. Enjoy another episode of The Recovery Junkies. Darlene Lancer's article on medium.com: "Paradoxically, Acceptance Creates Change." https://medium.com/becoming-you/acceptance-suggested-by-the-serenity-prayer-prepare-us-for-change-7c0c99d04309 …………………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org
Brandon talks with Darlene Lancer (LMFT) about codependency vs. narcissism, shame vs. guilt, self acceptance, & intimacy. Plus they discuss, perfectionism, compulsion, core feelings, abandonment, emotional availability, imposter syndrome, and much more. They even have a giggle when Brandon realizes he has more issues than he thought. ***There are a few different types of sounds due to audio changes and a very brief plane noise in the background that we didn't hear while recording. Our apologies.*** You can find Darlene Lancer at her website https://whatiscodependency.com/ or at https://darlenelancer.com/ Here is a link to all the blogs mentioned on the show https://whatiscodependency.com/blog/ Links to Darlene's very well reviewed books Codependency For Dummies and Conquering Shame & Codependency A big thank you to Apple Podcasts. Subscribe to our show on Apple by clicking here. Thank you to our sponsor BETTERHELP. If you need online counseling from anywhere in the world, please do go to https://www.betterhelp.com/nap Get started today and enjoy 10% off your first month. *** If you or someone you know are experiencing abuse, you are not alone. DomesticShelters.org offers an extensive library of articles and resources that can help you make sense of what you're experiencing, connect you with local resources and find ways to heal and move forward. Visit www.domesticshelters.org to access this free resource. To listen to the Toxic Workplace Podcast, click here. Join our new Community Social Network at https://community.narcissistapocalypse.com/ Join our Instagram Channel at https://www.instagram.com/narcissistapocalypse Join our Youtube Channel at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpTIgjTqVJa4caNWMIAJllA Join our Tiktok at https://www.tiktok.com/@narcissistapocalypse If you want to be a guest on our show, go to https://narcissistapocalypse.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Brandon talks with Darlene Lancer (LMFT) about codependency vs. narcissism, shame vs. guilt, self acceptance, & intimacy. Plus they discuss, perfectionism, compulsion, core feelings, abandonment, emotional availability, imposter syndrome, and much more. They even have a giggle when Brandon realizes he has more issues than he thought. ***There are a few different types of sounds due to audio changes and a very brief plane noise in the background that we didn't hear while recording. Our apologies.*** You can find Darlene Lancer at her website https://whatiscodependency.com/ or at https://darlenelancer.com/ Here is a link to all the blogs mentioned on the show https://whatiscodependency.com/blog/
Episode Description:Codependency discusses what codependency is, how it impacts the individual, and how it impacts relationships. It also discusses the symptoms and causes of codependency. In Christian life, codependency and Christian love are often confused, but there are not the same thing. Many people are even raised by well-meaning Christian parents that confuse the two. This podcast differentiates between the two. Additionally, this podcast clarifies how codependency can impact our relationship with God, how childhood trauma can impact codependency, and tools to help you target the symptoms and root causes of codependency so you can live a life of freedom and love. Breakdown of Episode: 2:25 Intro to Codependency 7:04 What is Codependency Causes and Symptoms of Codependency29:25 What is the Difference Between Codependency and Loving Your Neighbor?39:45 How Codependency Impacts Our Relationship with God42:18 What's the Connection Between Childhood Trauma and Codependency?46:06 Tools to Help You Overcome Codependency and How do You Heal the Root Causes of CodependencyBulleted List of Resources"What Is Codependency?" originally found at Psych Central (article was taken down), so I've included the same article by the same author, Darlene Lancer, found on her website. https://darlenelancer.com/symptoms-of-codependency/This article discusses what codependency is, how it impacts the person, how it impacts relationships, and behaviors that indicate codependency. Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsendhttps://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1/141-5813274-8244414This book is written from a Christian perspective and gives you detailed, scriptural, and practical advice on applying boundaries in different areas of your life, which is one of the most important parts of healing codependency. It also helps you differentiate between codependent behavior and Christian love/loving your neighbor."Trauma and Codependency" by Darlene Lancer was originally found on PsychCentral and since has been removed, so I've included a link from her website. https://darlenelancer.com/trauma-and-codependency/This article discusses how traumatic experiences in childhood can program a child to be codependent. If you experienced sustained abuse, neglect, specific traumatic events, or Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) in your formative years, this can often wire your mind to be codependent, but codependency can be healed. Codependent No More by Melanie Beatty https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=codependent+no+more&qid=1623698220&s=books&sr=1-1While not in the podcast, any discussion on codependency resources must include Melanie Beatty's work, which is a classic book in the field of codependency and considered the most influential book on overcoming codependency. Join Facebook Group Trauma Survivors Unite: Christian Emotional Recovery: https://www.facebook.com/groups/christianemotionalrecoverySubscribe to my YouTube channel for free meditation and more resources:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4a5jGXZ0-qzPINAspnLwPw
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT returns to discuss codependency. (VIDEO - 19 mins) Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert on relationships and codependency. She's the author Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You and Codependency for Dummies and six ebooks, including: 10 Steps to Self-Esteem, How To Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People and Freedom from Guilt and Blame – Finding Self-Forgiveness, also available on Amazon. Ms. Lancer has counseled individuals and couples for 30 years and coaches internationally. She's a sought after speaker in media and at professional conferences. For more about Darlene's work: http://www.whatiscodependency.com/ https://darlenelancer.com/ Follow Different Brains on social media: https://twitter.com/diffbrains https://www.facebook.com/different.brains/ https://www.instagram.com/diffbrains/ Check out more episodes of Exploring Different Brains! http://differentbrains.org/category/edb/
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explains what Narcissistic Personality Disorder really is. (VIDEO - 21 mins) Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert on relationships and codependency. She's the author Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You and Codependency for Dummies and six ebooks, including: 10 Steps to Self-Esteem, How To Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People and Freedom from Guilt and Blame – Finding Self-Forgiveness, also available on Amazon. Ms. Lancer has counseled individuals and couples for 30 years and coaches internationally. She's a sought after speaker in media and at professional conferences. For more about Darlene's work: http://www.whatiscodependency.com/ https://darlenelancer.com/ Follow Different Brains on social media: https://twitter.com/diffbrains https://www.facebook.com/different.brains/ https://www.instagram.com/diffbrains/ Check out more episodes of Exploring Different Brains! http://differentbrains.org/category/edb/
As you know, codependency is one of my “things.” Fortunately, it's less of a thing these days, but I understand firsthand what it's like to spend years so focused on others that we lose our sense of self. That's part of why we talk about this so much on the podcast — so many people suffer for years not knowing about codependency, and I'm passionate about helping you get free...quickly and simply! My guest today, Darlene Lancer, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, author and expert on codependency and relationships. She has worked with couples and individuals for 30 years, and she shares SO much valuable information in today's show about what codependency looks like, how to begin recovery, the connection between shame and codependency and practical steps to becoming a healthy, whole you. Listen to discover: The three stages to codependency recovery The shame and codependency connection Shame attacks and how to get out of them The importance of mindfulness in recovery How to start feeling your anger as a codependent The connection between codependency and attachment styles 10 ways to love yourself Darlene closes the show with her 10 tips for loving yourself, and let me tell you, they are so beautiful! I remember when I was beginning my healing journey and being told I needed to learn self-love but having no idea where to begin...and these tips are exactly where to start! I hope this is an enlightening and empowering episode for anyone ready to unlearn codependency and learn to love themselves. "We become alienated from who we really are because of faulty parenting, and we keep trying to fill up that emptiness or feel more alive by trying to connect to something outside ourselves." - Darlene Lancer "Self-esteem in action is being self-empowered." - Darlene Lancer "A parent's most important job is to reflect their child." - Michelle Chalfant "Codependency is based on faulty beliefs." - Darlene Lancer "The unconscious doesn't distinguish between messages it hears from the outside and messages you tell yourself." - Darlene Lancer "When we realize what's going on, it's like Act 2. And it's a very exciting time." - Michelle Chalfant LINKS & RESOURCES Darlene Lancer Website https://www.whatiscodependency.com/ Episode #249: The Power of Self-Compassion with Dr. Kristin Neff https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/249/ Episode #253: Codependency and Anger with Michelle Farris https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/253/ The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification Doors open August 1 https://theadultchair.com/certification-program/ P&G Hair Food https://hairfood.com/ Or find at Amazon, Target or Walmart MORE ADULT CHAIR The Adult Chair® Website https://theadultchair.com The Adult Chair® Membership https://theadultchair.com/membership/ The Adult Chair® Workshop https://theadultchair.com/events/ The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification https://theadultchair.com/certification-program/ TAC Circles® https://theadultchair.com/taccircles/ STAY CONNECTED Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/michelle.chalfant Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MichelleChalfantFanPage/ The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant *** EPISODE CREDITS: If you like this podcast and are thinking of creating your own, consider talking to my producer, Danny Ozment. He helps thought leaders, influencers, executives, HR professionals, recruiters, lawyers, realtors, bloggers, coaches, and authors create, launch, and produce podcasts that grow their business and impact the world. Find out more at https://emeraldcitypro.com
In her book Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You, therapist and author Darlene Lancer offers an in-depth look at shame as a primary cause of codependency and addiction. This excerpt challenges us to examine our childhood - connecting the dots on how lingering past traumas can impact our adult lives. We learn about our inner critic and how we can develop empathy for the child we once were.
Today's "You Get the Gist" explains the four different types of narcissism. All of them share the major features of a constant need for admiration, an unrealistic sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and great difficulty forming meaningful relationships. What are they and how are both similar and dissimilar to one another? You'll find out more.. but they are the grandiose narcissist, the covert narcissist, the communal narcissist (I'd never heard of that one..) and the malignant narcissist. I use the excellent work of Darlene Lancer, an attorney and a mental health clinician (link below). However, I do offer one caveat - be careful about diagnostic labels. They were historically meant to aid in better communication but often go way beyond that. Links: Darlene Lancer Psych Central article Article on covert narcissism You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
As you know, codependency is one of my “things.” Fortunately, it’s less of a thing these days, but I understand firsthand what it’s like to spend years so focused on others that we lose our sense of self. That’s part of why we talk about this so much on the podcast — so many people suffer for years not knowing about codependency, and I’m passionate about helping you get free...quickly and simply! My guest today, Darlene Lancer, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, author and expert on codependency and relationships. She has worked with couples and individuals for 30 years, and she shares SO much valuable information in today’s show about what codependency looks like, how to begin recovery, the connection between shame and codependency and practical steps to becoming a healthy, whole you. Listen to discover: The three stages to codependency recovery The shame and codependency connection Shame attacks and how to get out of them The importance of mindfulness in recovery How to start feeling your anger as a codependent The connection between codependency and attachment styles 10 ways to love yourself Darlene closes the show with her 10 tips for loving yourself, and let me tell you, they are so beautiful! I remember when I was beginning my healing journey and being told I needed to learn self-love but having no idea where to begin...and these tips are exactly where to start! I hope this is an enlightening and empowering episode for anyone ready to unlearn codependency and learn to love themselves. "We become alienated from who we really are because of faulty parenting, and we keep trying to fill up that emptiness or feel more alive by trying to connect to something outside ourselves." - Darlene Lancer "Self-esteem in action is being self-empowered." - Darlene Lancer "A parent's most important job is to reflect their child." - Michelle Chalfant "Codependency is based on faulty beliefs." - Darlene Lancer "The unconscious doesn't distinguish between messages it hears from the outside and messages you tell yourself." - Darlene Lancer "When we realize what's going on, it's like Act 2. And it's a very exciting time." - Michelle Chalfant Resources Darlene Lancer Website https://www.whatiscodependency.com/ Episode #249: The Power of Self-Compassion with Dr. Kristin Neff https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/249/ Episode #253: Codependency and Anger with Michelle Farris https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/253/ The Adult Chair Membership - April “I Believe” Month https://theadultchair.com/membership/ P&G Hair Food https://hairfood.com/ Or find at Bed Bath & Beyond, Amazon, Target or Walmart More Adult Chair The Adult Chair Website https://theadultchair.com The Adult Chair Membership https://theadultchair.com/membership/ The Adult Chair Workshop https://theadultchair.com/events/ The Adult Chair Coaching Certification https://theadultchair.com/certification-program/ TAC Circles https://theadultchair.com/taccircles/ Stay Connected Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/michelle.chalfant Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MichelleChalfantFanPage/ The Adult Chair Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant *** EPISODE CREDITS: If you like this podcast and are thinking of creating your own, consider talking to my producer, Danny Ozment. He helps thought leaders, influencers, executives, HR professionals, recruiters, lawyers, realtors, bloggers, coaches, and authors create, launch, and produce podcasts that grow their business and impact the world. Find out more at https://emeraldcitypro.com
Attract Health Build Wealth | Breakaway from Codependency | Breakthru self love, compassion, & care
Today, on this episode, I am so so so so massively excited to welcome Darlene Lancer to the podcast. Darlene was such a huge part of the beginning of my healing journey and having to spend time with her in this beautiful, healing container is a major major thing for me. Darlene brings a wide range of professional and life experience to her practice as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship and codependency expert. She wrote Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Over the course of 30 years, she has helped men and women recover from codependency and trauma. Here are the resources she mentions: Book, Codependency for Dummies - https://www.amazon.com/Codependency-Dummies-Darlene-Lancer/dp/1118982088/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1617392819&sr=8-1 Book, Conquering Shame and Codependency - https://www.amazon.com/Conquering-Shame-Codependency-Steps-Freeing/dp/1616495332/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1617392860&sr=8-1 Article, Narcissists are Codependent, too - https://darlenelancer.com/narcissists-are-codependent-too/ Article, How to Change Your Attachment Style - https://darlenelancer.com/change-your-attachment-style/ Article, Why It’s Hard to Receive - https://www.whatiscodependency.com/receiving/ Article, Discover 10 Ways Not to Be a Victim and to Become Empowered - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201908/discover-10-ways-not-be-victim-and-become-empowered Article, Deprogramming Codependent Brainwashing - https://psychcentral.com/lib/deprogramming-codependent-brainwashing#1 Darlene’s Website - http://www.whatiscodependency.com/ Darlene’s Facebook - http://www.facebook.com/codependencyrecovery Darlene’s Twitter - https://twitter.com/DarleneLancer Darlene’s Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCt0aeT_Dd-Ou4HsBSlbbxTw
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and expert author on relationships and codependency, Darlene Lancer discusses concepts from her book "Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You." She shares what codependency is, what shame is, the difference between guilt and shame, how shame develops, childhood experiences that could lend itself to shame, how shame is internalized and can become toxic, what a shame spiral is and how it can happen, what codependents do and have difficulty doing, how they may avoid attachment, how they might also continually seek out relationships that do not work or unavailable people, and how to begin recovering either by themselves or through Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous.
For free mental health resources, please visit SomethingWasWrong.com/Resources (https://www.somethingwaswrong.com/resources) Support SWW on Patreon (https://www.patreon.com/SomethingWasWrong) for as little as $1 a month Follow Tiffany Reese on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/lookieboo/?hl=en) Music from Glad Rags (http://www.instagram.com/gladragsmusic) album Wonder Under (https://music.apple.com/us/album/wonder-under/1385151733?ign-gact=3&ls=1) Episode Sources: Sibling Bullying and Abuse: The Hidden Epidemic (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202002/sibling-bullying-and-abuse-the-hidden-epidemic) by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT Thank you to our sponsors! Receive a free home security camera when you purchase a SimpliSafe system at SimpliSafe.com/SWW (http://www.simplisafe.com/SWW) Get 20% off your Manly Band, plus a free silicone ring, go to ManlyBands.com/SWW (http://www.manlybands.com/sww) promo code: SWW To get 10 free meals and free shipping, go to HelloFresh.com/SWW10 (http://www.hellofresh.com/sww10) promo code: SWW10 Join BetterHelp and get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com/SWW (http://www.betterhelp.com/SWW)
This episode focuses on two associations of the astrological 4th house: our family dynamics and the emotional atmosphere of our home environment growing up. Sheena Lotus discusses the differences between a functional and dysfunctional family structure and the effects and impacts each have on a person's emotional health and psychology. She also highlights the common family roles each moon sign and IC may adopt to survive growing up in a chaotic environment.Book referenced for this episode: " Codependency for Dummies 2nd Edition" by Darlene Lancer, MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist)Related Self Awareness Questions to Ask Yourself:Growing up were there topics that were off limits? If yes, what were the topics?Did you parents/guardians permit you to express all of your emotions, including anger?What family issues were dismissed or ignored in your family? How did you parents ignore these issues?As a child, did your parents ask or expect you to perform adult duties and assume adult responsibility (i.e. forced to take care of younger siblings, help pay bills? * A wise Auntie once said, " We don't need no hateration or holleration in this dancery." Let this words guide you.**Disclaimer: I am NOT a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist*
SHOW NOTES: On this show….we will be releasing guilt. Are you tired of feeling guilty for feeling guilty? You aren’t alone. We’ve all done something we aren’t very proud of, disappointed someone, and let ourselves down. Carrying shame and guilt can be a full-time job that prevents you from realizing your true potential. I wish we could just let go of what doesn’t serve us in a positive way but let’s be honest, it is not that easy. The first step is awareness, then understanding, and then if you are good and ready...the releasing. When do you feel those guilty feelings creeping in? Sometimes they can grab you in the pit of your stomach and say “hey...are you forgetting something?” and you are back to square one. Reminded of everything you’ve done wrong instead of what you’re doing right. Catching yourself before you start to spiral means you can change direction. “Nooooo...I haven’t forgotten anything BUT I did forgive myself and today I’m working on myself and staying stuck in the past, where I don’t have the control to change anything, it’s helpful! So back off!” MADISYN TAYLOR reminds us that ...There is freedom that comes with awareness, because with it comes the opportunity to make a choice. Fatin Khan, gives some ways to work on self-awareness: If we are concocting the right recipe for a change in behavior then we have to add a dash of willingness. No one can want the change more than you. Sure, your family can plead with you concerned about your well being. Your partner can beg you to let go and move one. But all the self-help books, motivational blogs, and inspirational quotes won’t be enough to make it happen. You have to be open and willing and wanting something more. I found The Definitive Guide to Guile from Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne : Guilt Cause #1: Guilt for something you did. Guilt Cause #2: Guilt for something you didn’t do, but want to. Guilt Cause #3: Guilt for something you think you did. Guilt Cause #4: Guilt that you didn’t do enough to help someone. Guilt Cause #5: Guilt that you’re doing better than someone else. Our feelings are important and what directly impacts the quality of our lives. For too many of us, feelings have been cast off and or shoved done so we can maintain a normal appearance to everyone around us. But unlike Scarlett O’hara, not everyone can afford to push these feelings off for another day. It’s important to deal with your emotions today and understand where your power to change comes from. So is shame the cherry on top? As if guilty feelings weren’t enough, we have to add shame to the mix to tighten the chains and keep a positive future a little further from our reach. Dr. Neel Burton sheds some light on Shame and Guilt in an article he wrote for Psychology Today. ...Shame and guilt often go hand in hand, which is why they are so often confused. For instance, when we injure someone, we often feel bad about having done so (guilt), and, at the same time, feel bad about ourselves (shame). So let’s add a little control or lack of to the pot. What can I do NOW to control the situation? Since we’ve established the obvious, I have no control over the past then the only place I do have control is in the present which will predict the future. Better butter up the forgiveness because that’s the only thing standing between me and the completion of this dish. I have to forgive to move forward. I love the perspective of Darlene Lancer in her article 18 Tips to Overcome Guilt and Forgive Yourself. Here are just a few of her suggested tips: If you’ve been rationalizing your actions, take responsibility. “Okay, I did (or said) it.” Write a story about what happened, including how you felt about yourself and others involved before, during, and after. Analyze what were your needs at that time, and were they being met. If not, why not? Forgiving yourself is not forgetting. There is learning and growth in forgiveness. You have more chapters to explore and being encumbered with the past will just derail your journey. CHALLENGE: Don’t dismiss your emotions or allow negative feelings to rewrite your destiny. You have the power to walk through guilt and shame, understand your role and responsibility, evaluate your control, and let go so that you can move forward with the freedom to realize your true potential. I Know YOU Can Do It!
Comfort Cases for Foster Children (0:00:00) With over 700children entering the foster care system each day, neglect is an unfortunate reality for many of them. Because of the sheer volume of new foster children, kids are typically only given a cheap trash bag to carry everything they own. Inspired by a desire to help these kids, Comfort Cases, a nonprofit based in Washington DC, came to be and is providing each foster child with a backpack filled with comfort and personal care items. Joining us on the show today is Rob Scheer, founder of Comfort Cases, who was once a foster child himself. Today, we're discussing the challenges foster kids face today and the power of providing them with a comfort case. Power Imbalances in a Relationship (0:17:36) Imbalance—a sensation usually felt when juggling too many things, be them physical or otherwise. However, imbalance can also be found in our relationships as well in the form of power imbalances. Feeling a sense of power in a relationship is not an inherently bad thing. It can aid us in experiencing a sense of efficacy and self-control. That being said, an imbalance in power in a relationship can open up the door to situations like codependency. Here to discuss how to recognize power imbalances, how they manifest, and rectify them is Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert author on relationships and codependency. The Super Corals of the Red Sea (0:35:23) The ice caps are melting, the ocean is warming, and our coral reefs are bleaching. Pictures of white reefs are becoming common as coral bleaching events around the world increase. However, there yet remains hope for the reefs and the organisms they house. Promising new research on the coral reefs in the Gulf of Aqaba shows that the reefs in the Red Sea are proving to be more resilient than many of the counterparts around the world. Here to discuss these super-corals is Dr. Moaz Fine, professor at Bar-Ilan University and principal investigator at the coral research lab at the Interuniversity Institute for Marine Sciences in Eilat, Israel. Donating Clothes During COVID-19 (0:52:47) I know I'm not the only one who's had the organization bug lately. Something about being home more makes me want to deep clean everything. Which means I'm without throwing some stuff out. Now, we don't want to waste anything, after all--one man's trash is another man's treasure! But donating unwanted items isn't as simple as it used to be thanks to COVID. To help us know where and how to donate our unwanted items this year, we've invited organizing expert Katherine Lawrence. Checking in with Aging Loved Ones (1:12:48) Because we've been trying to protect our loved ones who are aging, a lot of us haven't been able to visit them in person lately. But we know we need to interact with them for their mental health and our own. Phone calls are a great way to check in with aging family members, but what should we be asking to make sure they're ok? Ruth Busalacchi is the owner and operator of Synergy HomeCare, a company specializing in in-home care. She joins us to discuss how we can check in with aging loved ones. Healthy School Year (1:28:14) The new school year is fast approaching, and I'm assuming many of us feel a little apprehensive. Some of you maybe sending your kids back to school, others might have kids who go for half a day. And for some, sending your kids back might not even be an option as schools in your area are staying closed. Well despite our differing situations, our kids' health is a top priority for everyone. Today, we have invited pediatrician Dr. Mona Amin on the show to share advice on what we can do to help our kids stay healthy during this upcoming school year.
Rob Scheer talks about his charity work, Darlene Lancer gives relationship advice, Moaz Fine explains his coral reef research, Katherine Lawrence discusses donating clothes in COVID, Ruth Busalacchi teaches how to check up on loved ones, Mona Amin gives tips for a healthy school year
This episode is all about love and the paths we take in it. Using intel from relationship expert Darlene Lancer, we'll fill our mental wealth bank with the tools to spot an addictive relationship and what to look forward to in a healthy romance. More importantly, we'll discuss life after shitty relationships and how to recover from the sick pattern of puppy love that grasps at us all.
Let’s review season 4 episode 5 of HBO’s “Insecure”: Lowkey Movin’ On. Spoiler Alert: There are spoilers. We’ll discuss the episode’s overarching theme and recap the major moments. At the end of each episode, I’m going to recommend a #BriBooks read for the main character, along with a song of the week and #OOTN--which fit on “Insecure” reigned supreme? 1:00 - 12:20 - “Insecure” season 4 episode 5 recap 12:30 - #OOTN: Issa’s vintage 'Waiting to Exhale' sweatshirt/ tee (vintage from eBay) 13:30 - Song of the night: “Wobble” by VIC 14:20 - My #BriBooks recommendation: “Codependency for Dummies” by Darlene Lancer, MFT. for Molly. This book was ‘prescribed’ to me by my therapist in 2015, and it completely revolutionized how I saw myself vis-a-vis friends and family members and helped me establish strong emotional boundaries that are still in place to this day. It 100% deserves a spot in your library.
Therapist Darlene Lancer defines gaslighting as a malicious and hidden form of mental and emotional abuse, designed to plant seeds of self-doubt and alter your perception of reality. Like all abuse, it's based on the need for power, control, or concealment. In this episode, Quila Boyd discusses her experiences with gaslighters as well as giving tips to handle these types of people. To read more of the Darlene Lancer's article click the following link. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/are-gaslighters-aware-what-they-do
Heal in place. Fill your still. Codependency. During these very scary times, I am creating mini-podcasts to share the resources I used on my healing journey in a more direct way. Most of us may be sheltering in place –with no distractions and also no escape. If you are like the old erratically busy me…this “stillness” may be torture. If you have woken up and are searching for a path to recovery or already on a healing journey…I truly hope these mini-podcasts resonate. I try to cover a lot of ground in a succinct way so you can heal in place and fill your still. This minipodcast is dedicated to Darlene Lancer as she was a very valuable resource for me on my healing journey.“Codependency…is learned inaccurate information…that you are not enough, that you don't matter, that your feelings are wrong, or that you don't deserve respect. These are the false beliefs that most codependents are raised with…and is usually handed down for generations”. ~Darlene Lancer Codependency is when you take on the burden of fixing something in someone else's life that is their responsibility. Children develop their sense of identity, identify their values, and learn how to communicate and express their needs and feelings based on parental interaction. Parents play a large role in shaping who and what their child becomes in life. Codependent children lack a positive, nurturing parent-child relationship. They lack confidence to succeed and many don't feel accepted. Codependency is just a poor coping strategy. When I felt anxious about my life, codependency allowed me to “feel in control” by distracting me from my pain and unresolved issues. We take responsibility for other people and try to carry them along, even if the weight of their problems is enormous. What we are really trying to do is get the person to stop acting in ways that trigger our own insecurities. Trying to achieve an increased sense of safety, I was sure things would get better once I ”fixed” them. I was suffocatingly over-connected to my mom and stepdad and constantly afraid of disappointing them and making them angry. This prevented me from ever knowing myself. I wasn't allowed or encouraged to explore my own interests or discover who I was. Codependent children learn to suppress who we are to please others and avoid conflicts. In adulthood, we tend to stay enmeshed or focus on other people such that we really don't know who we are, what we like, or what we want. I was defined by the parentified role I had to play growing up. Recovery meant learning about who I was supposed to be and what I wanted out of life. Darlene Lancerhttps://www.whatiscodependency.com/
In this episode we cover the 7 of Cups -- the dating app card. Lol. Really though, it's all about making choices, even when you're dazzled by appearances or afraid of them. We talk about how to see through self-deception, and we throw in a little talk on co-dependency for good measure with our friend, writer and comedienne Sara Benincasa.**********************************Find out more about our special guest, writer and comedian Sara Benincasa...Instagram: Excellent Coats on Irritated Women Instagram: SaraJBenincasa Twitter: SaraJBenincasaAuthor, "Real Artists Have Day Jobs"Speaker on mental health awareness with Collective Speakers**********************************To order Amanda's book, "Initiated: Memoir of a Witch" CLICK HERE.Amanda's References This Episode Include:“Keywords for the Crowley Tarot” by Hajo Banzhaf and Brigitte Theler“Tarot as a Way of Life” by Karen Hamaker-Zondag“The Crowley Tarot” by Akron and Hajo Banzhaf“Symptoms of Co-dependency” article by Darlene Lancer. **********************************EMPEROR WORKSHOP INFORMATIONSign Up for Our "The Emperor in 2020 Workshop: Making Daddy Work For You" here -- or become a Jupiter-realm subscriber and get it as part of your membership (which will soon include an online forum to connect with other witches and witch-curious folx). In the workshop:You’ll learn to calculate your card of the year and your soul card numerology. And you’ll find out how the Emperor year will affect your soul card and your card of the year in particular.We’ve got exercises on how to locate your places of powerExercises to develop your intuitionA step-by-step how to on making your own Emperor altarRituals you can do to harness the power of the emperor year to build stamina, confidence and focus in 2020Invocations, songs, and gestures you can use to call in the Emperor (these are a BTW addition to our workshops and we think you’re going to find they’re REALLY special)A live call with Amanda to answer all your questions and help you get the most out of this year that is really calling us to claim our vision and share it with the worldAnd more!TO SIGN UP FOR THE WORKSHOP OR FIND OUT MORE, CLICK HERE**********************************Original MUSIC by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs.**********************************Get in touch with sponsorship inquiries for Between the Worlds at betweentheworldspodcast@gmail.com.Or, contact Amanda to book a session, or Carolyn just to find out more, below:*****Amanda Yates Garcia (art witch, healer, writer):www.oracleoflosangeles.comTo sign up for Amanda's newsletter, CLICK HERE.To order Amanda's book, "Initiated: Memoir of a Witch" CLICK HERE.Amanda's InstagramAmanda's Facebook**Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs (musician, artist, producer):www.carolynpennypackerriggs.comCarolyn's Instagram**CONTRIBUTORS:Amanda Yates Garcia (host) & Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs (producer) & Sara J Benincasa (special guest). With editing help from Jiha Lee. The BTW image was created by Marian Minnis (tinyparsnip.com / instagram.com/tinyparsnip ) with text designed by Leah Hayes.
Today Ameé speaks with Darlene Lancer. Darlene is is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship and codependency expert. She wrote Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Over the course of 30 years, has helped men and women recover from codependency and trauma.And just in time for Valentines Day, Ameé and Darlene talk about how some of us our prone to sabotage love and relationships and why we do it. In this episode, you will hear:How do we know if we truly have low self-esteem?The difference between overall low self-esteem and inauthenticityHow distrust and rushing are both ways we sabotageDo we have to sacrifice our true selves in order to have a happy relationship Resources:Blog Articles from Darlene’s Website:https://www.whatiscodependency.com/sabotage-love-shame-fear-abandonment/https://www.whatiscodependency.com/self-esteem-self-acceptance-raise-self-esteem/https://www.whatiscodependency.com/lost-self-codependent-relationships/https://www.whatiscodependency.com/10-tips-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-emotional-unavailability/
If you simply detach and remove yourself from your narcissistic parent without doing your own work, you will not heal. You will not learn authenticity. You will not develop inner peace. Your true self will not surface if you take yourself out of the situation without completing your internal growth. If you don't place responsibility for the hurt where it belongs — with those who hurt you — you will block growth and false guilt will force you to let a narcissistic parent back into your life every single time“What's more important than initiating a break is learning how to be assertive and set limited boundaries when parents are inappropriate, controlling, invasive or abusive.” - DARLENE LANCER, MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST· Low Contact means reserving contact for emergencies and holidays, knowing there will likely be abuse offered. This is like returning to the stove again and again, knowing you will get burned, but deciding the circumstances warrant it. I advise combining this with Protected Contact when possible.· No Contact means exactly what it says. It's a decision requiring much thought, exploring with a licensed and qualified mental health professional, and a lot of courage. Our society can be judgmental about this decision and the patient must be prepared for these responses, as well as the feelings of grief that may follow.https://darlenelancer.com/https://daughtersrising.info/https://www.innerintegration.com/https://rockwall-counseling.com/
Do you have a hard time saying to “NO” to people? Do you often sacrifice your own needs to accommodate other people? Do you have a difficulty setting firm boundaries? Are you unhappy in your relationship but unable to leave? Does your marriage or relationship take up your thoughts and energy? Are you the one that is constantly making sacrifices in your relationship? Then you may be in a codependent relationship. The term “codependency” was coined a few decades ago in the context of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) to acknowledge and support partners of alcoholics and chemical-dependents who were intertwined in the destructive lives of those they loved. Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert author on relationships and codependency. In this episode she talks about: What is codependency? What are the symptoms of codependency? What’s the origin of codependency? How does shame play a part in codependency? How does codependency and shame affect relationship? And of course we are talking about recovery-what are some of the steps required for recovery? FULL SHOW NOTES www.authenticparenting.com/podcast ***Want to get most out of your listening experience? Download the Easy Start Guide PDF with clickable links to past podcast episodes (over 160) grouped by category. East Start Guide>>>http://eepurl.com/ggtWk1 ABOUT ME I help overwhelmed, frustrated parents who want to parent differently than their parents, make sense of their early childhood experiences, connect to their authentic self and their children on a deeper level, reduce stress, bring more ease, calm and joy into their lives by yelling less, and practicing non-punitive discipline. WORK WITH ME Listeners of the podcast get 10% on my coaching services. I would be thrilled to support you in your parenting journey! Click here to get started with my Introductory (3 Sessions) Package or REAL Change Package - 6 Private Coaching Sessions-worldwide! :) Court-Ordered Parenting Classes (in person NJ, NY,and PA residents only) YOUR FEEDBACK IS VALUABLE! Do you have a comment, question, or a takeaway about this episode or the podcast in general? USA listeners call 732-763-2576 right now and leave a voicemail. International listeners use the FREE Speak Pipe tool on my website. Add your voice. It matters! Email: info@authenticparenting.com RATE & WRITE REVIEW FOR THE SHOW Watch this quick video tutorial on YouTube to how rate and write a review for the podcast on Apple Podcasts. SUBMIT YOUR PARENTING QUESTIONS TO BE ANSWERED IN THE SHOW: Voicemail: 732-763-2576 Speak Pipe for sending audio messages Email: info@authenticparenting.com CONNECT WITH ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA Authentic Parenting on Facebook Instagram NEED PARENTING SUPPORT? Join the Authentic Parenting FREE online community BECOME A SUPPORTER OF THE SHOW With your support we can continue the production of the podcast uninterruptedly. You can choose a level of support on Patreon.com by becoming a patron. One time donations are also deeply appreciated. Give from the heart now. Thanks for listening! With gratitude, Anna Seewald, M.Ed, M.Psy Parent Educator, Keynote Speaker, Author www.authenticparenting.com
“It’s all about taking action.”-Darlene Lancer Just as how a plant withers or thrives by its roots, addiction can blossom or die by its core. However, you could do something about it. A lawyer turned Marriage and Family Therapist shares her experiences and expertise about co-dependency and labelling. Darlene Lancer, digs to the root of two of the ramifications of addiction to help families and individuals attain healing. Conversely though, when things get messed up, it’s often hard to let go especially if emotions pull you like magnet. Nevertheless, for you and your family to thrive, there is something you must uproot. Join in to their conversation as Jeff and Darlene uncover the mysteries and false facts that surrounds co-dependency and labelling. As the words quoted above suggest, your happiness is yours, but, “it's all about taking action.” Get the show notes, transcription and resources mentioned at http://thefamilyrecoverysolution.com/ Highlights: 02:50 Changing Careers 03:56 The Less Talked Terms 05:00 Dreams Awaken 07:13 The Evolution of Codependency 12:00 A Different Approach to Healing 15:19 The Labelling Stigma 20:00 Where To Focus 25:21 Let Go of Codependency-Reconnect to Your Innate Self
Happily Ever After Is Just The Beginning! – Lesli Doares, LMFT
Many marriages suffer due to the inability of spouses to balance their own needs as individuals with the needs of being part of a couple. But is it really a question of remaining independent versus becoming dependent? Can you be married and still hold on to who you are? What would that look like? Dr. Darlene Lancer, marriage and family … Read more about this episode...
Do you know your boundaries? Do you know how to communicate those boundaries to the people in your life in a healthy manner? Do you worry that setting boundaries will hurt your relationships? I chat with Darlene Lancer about the importance of setting boundaries and the best way to deliver those boundaries to those around you. Darlene explains the different types of boundaries and the steps necessary to set a boundary. We also discuss what to do with your boundary is ignored or disrespected. Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert author on relationships and codependency. She’s counseled individuals and couples for 30 years and coaches internationally. Her books include Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You and Codependency for Dummies and seven ebooks, including: 10 Steps to Self-Esteem, How To Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People, "I'm Not Perfect - I'm Only Human" - How to Beat Perfectionism, andFreedom from Guilt and Blame - Finding Self-Forgiveness. They’re available on Amazon, and other online booksellers and her website, www.whatiscodependency.com, where you can get a free copy of “14 Tips for Letting Go.” She’s a sought after speaker in media and at professional conferences. Find her on Soundcloud, Clyp, LinkedIn Youtube. Twitter @darlenelancer, and Facebook.
This episode is part one of the book club discussion on the book, "Codependency for Dummies" by Darlene Lancer. This book is full of SO much information, and this topic is so complex and often very controversial, that I thought it would be best to divide this discussion into two parts. The book club meets the last Thursday of every month at 6:30pm EST, and normallt runs for 2-3 hours depending on the amount of questions raised and the complexity of the book. To see a list of books we are reading, please visit: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/bookclub/ The live streams happen every Wednesday at 8:30pm EST over on my YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/thriveafterabuse and they run for about 3 hours. If you are looking for support, I have two support groups (both are free). The first one is on my website: www.thriveafterabuse.com/forum and the second one is on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/HealingAfterNarcissisticAbuse (it is a closed group, but please make sure to read the group rules before you post so that you can change any privacy settings you may need to in order to stay safe). Looking for daily motivation, inspiration, or more information about narcissism in general? You can find me (Dana Morningstar) at: Facebook/ThriveAfterAbuse YouTube/ThriveAfterAbuse Instagram/ThriveAfterAbuse ThriveAfterAbuse.com
Perfectionism can be a blessing or a curse. When it helps us, it lifts our mood, and we can achieve significant accomplishments. But perpetually seeking an illusion can have serious consequences. It can become a painful, inescapable trap. Its self-sabotaging side effects undermine our goals and creativity and spill over onto our co-workers and loved ones, damaging our relationships. At worse, it can be dehumanizing and compromise our ability to feel love and experience joy. Fortunately, it's possible to beat perfectionism! In today's special guest, Darlene Lancer's book, I'm Not Perfect I'm Only Human she discusses different types of perfectionists, from positive perfectionists to negative, common myths they hold, and how relationships are affected. Other disorders are distinguished. Psychological, genetic, and environmental causes of perfectionism are explained with examples of typical symptoms, thoughts, and behaviors. Ten chapters provide steps and exercises to create change and find self-acceptance. Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert author on relationships and codependency. She's counseled individuals and couples for 30 years and coaches internationally. She is the author of eight books that are available on Amazon and her website, www.whatiscodependency.com, where you can get a free copy of “14 Tips for Letting Go.”
Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert author on relationships and codependency. Shes counseled individuals and couples for 30 years and coaches internationally. Her books include Conquering Shame and Codependency, Codependency for Dummies, 10 Steps to Self-Esteem, How to Beat Perfectionism and many more. In this episode we discuss relationship advice topics that include: How unrealistically high standards can hurt your relationship. Why becoming aware of self-talk and beliefs is important in dealing with perfectionism. Learn the type of perfectionist you or your partner are in order to improve the relationship. How to work with your inner critic. Learn how you or your partner can become a healthy perfectionist that does not damage the relationship. Why challenging your beliefs can be a valuable exercise in improving your relationship. And much more! Housekeeping Notes: We’ve created a Facebook Group: Love Tribe The Love Tribe community is made up of I Do Podcast listeners and was created to help support you in making your relationship {even} better. We encourage you to share your success stories, tips and heartache. Although every relationship is DIFFERENT – be each other’s inspiration. We hope you join our group here! Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Full Show Notes at http://idopodcast.com/110 Sponsors Talkspace: The online therapy company that believes that therapy should be affordable, confidential and convenient. Join over 500,000 people who have used Talkspace for online therapy with their licensed therapist. Get $30 off your first month when you visit Talkspace.com/IDO. Audible: Use the link below, and sign up for a free 30-day trial and one free audiobook download! You will have to enter your CC information, but you can just cancel the trial at the end of the month if you don’t like it and not pay a dime. There are a ton of great relationship audiobooks on Audible.com. Consider downloading The 5 Love Languages for your free download. Audibletrial.com/idopodcast If you love the show, please subscribe in iTunes and leave a review! It really helps, and allows us to keep bringing you these episodes each week! - Chase & Sarah
Darlene Lancer joins us again on Mental Health News Radio to discuss perfectionism. Her eBook, "“I’M NOT PERFECT––I’M ONLY HUMAN” –– HOW TO BEAT PERFECTIONISM" is available at www.whatiscodependency.com. Darlene discusses overcoming perfectionism – something common among codependents and people with low self-esteem. She discovered in her research that it spans from people with positive perfectionism, where it raises their self-esteem, to narcissists, whose perfectionism is damaging to others.Enjoy the show!
Boundaries help us delineate where we end and where we begin in relation to other people and to the external world. Boundaries also help us express who we are, the kinds of behavior we will accept, and the ways in which we wish to be treated. In this episode, we contemplate the usefulness of boundaries in social and personal relationships and even within ourselves (i.e. "internal" boundaries). We discuss some of the symptoms of inadequate boundary-setting and offer advice on creating and following through with healthy, loving, and respectful boundaries. For further resources on this episode's topic, check out the following links: "What are personal boundaries? How do I get some?" by Darlene Lancer of Psych Central Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin (excerpt) by Anne Katherine "4 Reasons Why Having Boundaries is the Most Sacred Act of Self-Care" on Elephant Journal To learn more about us, visit www.purefieldwebmass.com. You can also shoot us an email with questions, comments, or suggestions for topics you'd like us to cover (purefield.mass@gmail.com). We love hearing from you!
Darlene Lancer is a psychotherapist that specializes in Relationships and Codependency. She enlightens us on the damaging aspects of being attracted to and involved with a real narcissist.
Darlene Lancer teaches us about Narcissism and how to deal with a Narcissist.
Those who have experienced narcissistic abuse know how difficult it can be to communicate with them. Every narcissistic abuse survivor asks the same questions: Why are they so defensive? How do we deal with them? Will they ever change? Today's special guest, Darlene Lancer is here to answer those questions and talk about her newest book, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Improve Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries in Difficult Relationships. Darlene is also the author of several other books including Codependency for Dummies and the new book Freedom from Guilt and Blame: Finding Self-Forgiveness. Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship and codependency expert. Over the course of 25 years, she has helped men and women recover from trauma, achieve greater self-esteem and autonomy, and find their paths personally and professionally. This is Darlene's third guest appearance on A Fine Time for Healing. To learn more about Darlene Lancer please visit her website http://www.whatiscodependency.com/ Contact Darlene at info@darlenelancer.com
Guilt can be an unrelenting source of pain, keeping us stuck in the past and preventing us from being present and loving ourselves and others. Guilt may simmer in our unconscious, or we may condemn ourselves–not once, but over and over. Either way, toxic guilt is insidious and destructive and can sabotage our goals and relationships. It lowers our self-esteem and makes us easy targets for blame and manipulation. Unresolved guilt can cause anger and resentment, not only at ourselves, but also toward others. Today's special guest, Darlene Lancer is author of several books including Codependency for Dummies and the new book Freedom from Guilt and Blame: Finding Self-Forgiveness, a step-by-step workbook for healing guilt and finding self-forgiveness and self-compassion. Freedom from Guilt and Blame is designed to free you from guilt's grip. It will help you sort out healthy from toxic guilt and distinguish it from other emotions, such as shame and regret. You're guided to review and assess your values, motives, responsibilities, actions, and beliefs, and understand the negative impact of perfectionism and codependency. Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship and codependency expert. Over the course of 30 years, she has helped men and women recover from trauma, achieve greater self-esteem and autonomy, and find their paths personally and professionally. This is Darlene's third guest appearance on A Fine Time for Healing. To learn more about Darlene Lancer please visit her website http://www.whatiscodependency.com/ Contact Darlene by email: info@darlenelancer.com
Darlene Lancer talks about self esteem
Codependency is an addiction that is often difficult to recognize by those who suffer from it. Codependents typically have one difficult, painful relationships after another and cannot understand why. Though there are varying degrees of codependency, many experience emotions such as depression, hopelessness, anxiety, shame, guilt and fear. Many codependents believe their happiness depends upon another person, a relationship, or finding the perfect spouse. They are afraid of being alone or without a relationship. Due to low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, and poorly defined boundaries, they focus all their attention on someone they believe they can change, control or fix. Then, in denial about the reality of the desperate situations they find their selves in time and time again, they will do just about anything to make them work, denying their own needs, hopes, and desires. Today's special guest, Darlene Lancer is an expert on relationships and codependency. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the acclaimed author of two books, Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 STeps to Freeing the True You, as well as four other ebooks. Today Darlene is with us to explain codependency more in depth, and to give those who suffer from it hope for recovery. To learn more about Darlene Lancer, please visit http://www.darlenelancer.com and http://www.whatiscodependency.com
The topic is codependency: what it is and what it is NOT; the difference between normal and codependent behaviors and what a person can do to help themselves.Do you know someone who hasa need to be perfect,low self-esteem,poor boundaries with others,a need to control their environment, andchronic dissatisfaction in relationships ?If those descriptions ring a bell, you probably know someone who may be considered 'codependent'. If you’re into self-help at all, you probably have heard the term codependency- it’s often talked about it in terms of one having a codependent personality. I want to be clear that codependency is NOT a diagnosable condition, although it is talked about in those terms. You may also have been familiar with it, but have been unsure of a clear definition of it. That’s because there is not 1 universal definition of it. There is however, consensus that it is a cluster of behaviors in relationships which can be somewhat easily identified and very often problematic.The history of the term dates back to the 1940s and early 1950s. Primarily it was identified in studying the behavior of an alcoholic within the context of their family experience. The behaviors identified as codependent appeared to be a pattern in these families. The use of the term seemed to explode though a few decades later. In the 1980s with the advent of a focus of family system dynamics, several books came out designed to help people break those dysfunctional behavior patterns. The most famous book that still is referenced today on the subject is Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More". During that time, everyone started studying the families of alcoholics and saw these behaviors but as the clusters of behaviors became more recognizable, so did the fact that so many other people exhibited the same behavior patters who did not come from alcoholic families. The term is now popularly used to generally describe a cluster of behaviors in relationships.Codependency DecodedThis article accompanies Episode 4 of The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast and focuses on behavior in relationships that have come to be identified as “codependent behavior”. We will explore the behavioral patterns that are identified as codependent, suspected causes of these behavioral patterns, some things a person can do to change their codependent behavior and some additional resources so you can learn more about the subject.Darlene Lancer,JD, LMFT of Whatiscodependency.com and darlenelancer.comMy expert guest is Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Santa Monica, Ca. She has dedicated her career as a therapist to helping people work through and overcome their struggles with codependent behavior. She has several books published on the subject including “Shame and Codependency” and “Codependency for Dummies”.What is Codependency?Codependency is a term that came into popular psychology culture in the 1980’s, although it’s been around since the 1940s. With the advent of family systems psychology coming into its own in the 1970’s, the studies of family dynamics appears to have been a factor in the movement towards identifying codependent behavioral interactions in the 1980’s. For as much as it is widely used in popular psychological vernacular, it does not have a universal definition, but rather it is used to describe a common set of behavioral patterns. In the 1950’s, codependency was viewed as learned behavior in families of alcoholics or addicts. It was first used to describe the personality traits of people who were typically in relationships with alcoholics – this could be intimate relationships or in families with alcoholics.What researchers and therapists have discovered since then is that, although there is certainly a pattern of behaviors associated with those addict/alcoholic families, they are not all that different than some of the behaviors of families with other sorts of emotional struggles (we will discuss further in what causes codependency). When it was first introduced, the term codependency was used as a shortcut to describe the codependent person’s need for approval from others and the self-sacrificing nature of their own emotional needs. When we (therapists) work with persons who are codependent, the self-sacrificing and approval seeking are common themes.When you read on and see the list of behaviors associated with codependency you will recognize that these behaviors are prevalent in the general population and are not necessarily reserved for those in addict/alcoholic families. The term is now universally accepted as a description of a cluster of behaviors that dictate how a person acts in a a relationship.What Codependency is NOTCodependency, although discussed in terms of “symptoms” and a “condition” for which “treatment” can be provided is NOT actually a diagnosable psychiatric disorder such as anxiety or depression. There were attempts at having it entered in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual (the diagnostic text of the mental health profession), but it was not accepted as a clinical disorder. The cluster of behaviors is, however, considered to be emotionally stifling and resentment-breeding for both the person who is codependent and the person they love. The good news then, is that since it is not a “personality disorder”, which by definition is an ingrained and unchangeable part of us since it’s part of our personality, if you recognize yourself as orienting yourself in codependent ways, you can make changes to engage in ways which are more fulfilling and satisfying for you.Are you Codependent?This article is not meant for you to find a reason to label yourself or anyone else, but it can be helpful to explore the behaviors that are considered, when clustered together, to represent what we know as a ‘codependent’ person. Most people can relate to some of these behaviors some of the time. If one is to consider themselves as orienting themselves in a codependent way, they should recognize their interactions as a prolonged, pervasive pattern of these behaviors which have left the person feeling unsatisfied and resentful in their relationships.Some of the key characteristics of a codependent person are:Low Self-Esteem: We’ve all heard the term. It’s when someone just doesn’t think too much of themselves. They usually don’t think they deserve as good as everyone else. This trait on its own can lead people to make poor judgment calls in their relationships – typically they pick people who can’t or won’t fully love them. They might engage in relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable (i.e. married or otherwise involved with someone else, addicted to drugs or alcohol, or a workaholic). They have a tendency to stick with an unsatisfying relationship long past recognizing that it is such.Poor Boundaries with others: This can present itself in different ways. Most typically it’s a person who is over-involved in others’ lives. Often, this is an unwelcome over-involvement, as with the case of the spouse of an addict. Because they may not trust their addicted partner (due to the addict behaviors) they have a tendency to “need to know everything”. They will also share with everyone. The “town gossip” has poor boundaries. That person is easier to see because we usually have a visceral reaction when someone tells us something we shouldn’t know about someone else. As a couple’s therapist I hear stories all the time of over-involved in-laws or siblings. It’s the person who has something to say about everyone’s relationship. Poor boundaries also cross-over with people pleasing traits. A person with poor boundaries will also take on everyone else’s problems, volunteer to help when they have their own needs to tend to that go over-looked, and generally have a difficult time saying “no” to others. Their motivation is NOT malicious. It falls in line with the people pleasing motivation – that they are afraid if they say “no” to someone, they won’t be liked or loved anymore. It’s usually easy to teach a person to set healthier boundaries in relationships once this gets identified.People Pleasing: One of the behaviors that breeds the most resentment in a codependent relationship is that the codependent person has a pervasive desire to be liked by everyone. The codependent person will set aside their needs for everyone else’s. They do it under the guise of “being nice” or “being a good person”, but they end up resenting the people they are trying to please when they feel they are not getting the same self-sacrificing behavior in return. The previously-mentioned low self esteem drives them to give much more in a relationship that they ever expect, received or think they deserve. They often give much more of themselves even at the beginning of new relationships. When you see someone taking on their new partner’s problems right at the beginning of the relationship (i.e. lending money, letting them move in right away, getting involved in their family problems, etc.) you are most likely witnessing a codependent person in action.Care taking: The codependent person has a need to care take for others that far exceeds any sense of expected behavior. They are naturally nurturing, but the often “care too much”. This can be exhibited in behavior that appears to be over-doing for others. While everyone likes have a friend or a partner that is nurturing, the level the codependent person takes it to is suggestive of controlling through their care taking. The motivation for this appears to be two-fold: 1. their partner can’t let them down by not attending to their needs and 2. They have control of that environment (keep reading to see more about the need for control).Reactive: The codependent person typically feels their emotions deeply and are often overly sensitive and can perceive themselves as being criticized by others, particularly their partner, which leads to reactions that appear out of sync with the situation.Controlling: As mentioned in the people pleasing section, the codependent person has a need to control their environment and their relationship. This appears to be out of a need for safety- if they control their environment, they convince themselves that they can trust it. We know that is not an accurate perception as when dealing with 2 people in a relationship we can never fully control what the other person thinks, feels, or does. The codependent person convinces themselves into a false sense of security which allows them to move forward in relationships that often have stresses, or “red flags” that go unnoticed or denied.Dependent: The codependent person is not necessarily dependent on their partner for financial or other stability factors, but rather, they are dependent on the relationship usually out of a fear of being alone. They attach strongly to their partners and become helpless to express their own emotional needs out of a fear of abandonment.Engages in Denial: This is usually pretty easy to see as an outsider looking in on a relationship between a codependent and their partner. As the concept of “red flags” was introduced earlier, they are often ignored or otherwise overlooked by a codependent person in order for them to maintain congruence between what they believe their relationship to be and what it actually is. This is a tough factor and this is usually very strong when the codependent has become involved with someone with addiction issues. They can often overlook the substance abuse problem for a long time. It is not unusual for a codependent person to engage in making excuses for their partner’s behavior, for instance, “Oh she wasn’t drunk – he was on migraine medicine from her doctor”.What if you have these traits?In exploring this list, I should note that codependency should be viewed through a contextual and cultural lens.There are definitely cultures I can think of in which the matriarchs over-function and care-take for the family, they get in everyone’s business (poor boundaries), they live to please their family and they are seemingly so dependent on their family it appears they would not be able to survive without them. In some cultures, we call that person “Grandma”. So please remember, this is meant to inform you, rather than diagnose or label anyone.After viewing these behaviors within your contextual environment, if you recognize them in yourself, there are ways to modify your behavior so that you don’t feel driven to meet other people’s needs before your own leading you to feel more fulfilled in your relationships.What causes codependent behavior?In addition to the focus on the codependent behavior being born out of families in which addiction was present, there are theories around the origins of codependent behavior developing in families in which the codependent person was raised by a narcissistic parent. We know that although they may love their children, when sick with the disease of addiction, addicted parents are emotionally unavailable to them. With narcissists the crux of the disorder is they do not notice, or care about, other people’s needs or how their behavior affects others (APA, 2012). Consequently, a narcissistic parent would not be mindful of their child’s emotional needs. Darlene Lancer theorizes that codependency is born out of dysfunction and pain in the family of origin. This certainly can be the emotional make-up of a person raised by either a narcissist or an addict.This lack of emotional engagement by the parents can lead a child to “over-function”, making excuses for the emotional unavailability of the parent (“I’m sure mommy loves me in her own way”) and controlling their environment out of a need for safety.A child being raised by an emotionally unavailable parent does not typically learn appropriate reactions to stress or other uncomfortable emotions. Such children can certainly develop into emotionally reactive adults out of those circumstances. This leads to them over reacting, or conversely under reacting and good at exhibiting the associated denial of problems.There’s been an explosion in recent years in the field of psychology focusing on emotional intelligence. This could be a counter-reaction to realizing that there are so many people that relate to some codependent behavior traits. It is important for our own wellness to be able to understand, feel and express our emotions accurately and effectively. A movement towards more awareness in this area feels appropriate.Codependent behavior doesn’t happen only within the bubble of intimate relationships.Ms. Lancer points out that codependency speaks of how a person orients themselves in the world behaviorally and relationally. She reminds us that we are the same person, but may act differently in different relationships. Therefore if someone is codependent at home, they may exhibit some codependent behaviors in other areas of their life such as work and friendships.She also points out that we often think of codependent people as passive, but that may not always be the case. As already mentioned, one of the “symptoms” is that the person is controlling. Sometimes this is done in passive ways. Other times, they are very demanding of others.The codependent person still may not get their emotional needs met, but they believe they are cared for when their partner does what they command.What can one do to change their behaviors?In order to change behavior, one needs to first recognize that the behavior is problematic to themselves and their relationships. This can be tough to do. Many people seeking help for codependency usually present at a therapist’s office or a self-help group complaining of bad relationship choices.“Why do I keep picking the wrong guy/gal?”It is sometimes only after exploring the behavior the person describes in their relationships that the codependency is discovered. If you have related to what’s been presented in this article and podcast you are already becoming more self-aware.Darlene Lancer describes the behavior changes as “healing” from codependency.She divides the healing process into two sections: healing yourself and healing your relationships with others.Some steps involved in healing yourself are:Seek help and supportLearn to have patience with yourselfUnderstand where your codependent nature comes fromHeal old wounds, losses and traumasGet to know yourself betterBuild self-esteem and self-loveFind pleasureSome steps involved in healing your relationships with others are:Take responsibility for yourselfAccept the reality of your situationDecrease your own reactivityLearn to communicate effectivelySet boundaries with othersConflict managementLearning to make changes in your relationship with families and friends around how you relate to them“Codependency for Dummies” is replete with chapters on how to accomplish all these changes through exercises, self-assessments and instructions.Resources for educating yourself, making and maintaining changesMaking and maintaining behavioral changes can be difficult. For those that have taken steps to make the changes and are still having difficulty, seeking out a therapist who specializes in codependency can help. In addition to 1:1 therapy, peer run self-help groups also exist. Darlene Lancer, LMFT’s writings on codependency, along with her contact information and books can be found at whatiscodependency.com.Codependency for Dummies can be found on amazon.comCodependency for Dummies by Darlene Lancer LMFT (2013).This book is a start-to-finish guide on identifying, understanding and healing from codependent behaviors.Codependents Anonymous (CODA) – This is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships.This is a nationwide 12-step program. In addition to the groups, their website is full of valuable and helpful information.Codependent no More by Melody Beattie (1986)This book has been the long-touted handbook of identifying and recognizing codependency. Ms. Beattie was a pioneer in the field of codependent literature.The Human Magnet Syndrome Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT. He is another expert in the field of codependency. There are links to books, articles and more on the subject of codependency.PsychCentral.com article by Darlene Lancer focuses on how to help a codependent person get over a break up.**************************************************If you are enjoying the podcast and want to support it without it costing you a dime, there are 3 ways:Share an episode on your social mediaLeave a great review wherever you love to listen to your podcastsUse my Amazon Storefront Amazon.com/shop/drColleenMullen When you enter Amazon through my storefront. For every purchase you make for 24 hours, I will get a small portion of that sale. You were paying for it anyway, this way a small % of the sale goes to support your favorite podcast. While you're there, you can check out some of my favorite wellness-supporting products and apps! Enjoy!If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:FacebookInstagramTwitterListen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.Ladies, Look for the upcoming Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast every month to get empowered and inspired by unique female stories of success!You can buy the book: Stop Bitching, Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner LeaderIf you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.Thanks for listening!
Author and therapist Darlene Lancer discusses her book Conquering Shame and Codependency, covering topics such as shame, guilt, the Inner Critic, denial, self-discovery, and recovery.
Episode 19. November 20, 2014. Host James Curtis discusses addiction & co-dependency; Survivor Day events. Contributors: Norma Hollis, Americas Leading Authentic Voice Doctor; Eric Marcus, American Foundation For Suicide Prevention; Darlene Lancer, LMFT; Lorelie Rozzano, jaggedlittleedges.com; Dr. Mel Vincent, Edgewood Treatment Centers.
When it comes to codependency, there are many myths that surround this presentation in clients. What's more, the definition of codependency has changed over the years and has a different meaning from what it meant 30 years ago. In this podcast episode, we speak with U.S. marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer, who has been working in the field of codependency for over 27 years. She brings us up to date with what codependence is today and some of the important clinical presentations to look out for that may indicate codependence. In this interview, Darlene also shares: what is codependency and the modern definition of codependency what are the myths about codependency the symptoms of being codependent what enabling has to do with codependency when and where codependency starts how the family of origin can contribute to codependency how setting boundaries can actually help treat codependency what part shame and guilt plays in codependency what are the steps that can be taken in treating codependency how to recover and completely heal from codependency
Join us as Darlene Lancer shares her expertise on creating a fulfilling and successful relationship. In this episode, Darlene gives relationship advice on breaking up and whether you should leave or try to get the change you want. Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert on relationships and codependency. She’s the author of two books: Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You and two ebooks:10 Steps to Self-Esteem and How To Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits. Ms. Lancer has counseled individuals and couples for 25 years and coaches internationally. She’s a sought after speaker to national audiences on radio and to professional groups and institutions. Her articles appear in professional journals and many online mental health websites.
What is shame? How does shame relate to an addict? How does it relate to those of us who love addicts? Can knowledge about recognizing shame help to prevent some of the need to use and abuse substances and processes to cover it up? This week Denise speaks with Darlene Lancer, a marriage and family therapist and author of “Codependency … Read more about this episode...
Are you a codependent? What are the characteristics of a codependent? What is the difference between being codependent and enabling? These are just some of the questions Denise asks her guest, Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT on this week’s show. Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of “Codependency for Dummies” and “10 Steps to … Read more about this episode...
Dr. Beth’s (www.DrBethErickson.com) first guest is Darlene Lancer (www.darlenelancer.com) whose area of expertise is codependence. People who are codependent have little sense of self, and the narcissist is full of him/herself, making the classic relationship dynamic. Then she spoke with Kristen Moeller (www.kristenmoeller.com) about the new findings on the causes of addiction newly released … Read more about this episode...
Today I’m joined by April Harter who has made it her mission to help people understand where their racism is originating from. As a community and as a world we find ourselves in incredibly tense times, and yet times which are also creating opportunities for cultural and societal awareness around the topic of equality and racism. This episode is hopefully a small drop of water in that ocean. This episode is sponsored by Trauma Therapist | 2.0 , an online community specifically dedicated to new trauma therapists. Get support from other passionate trauma therapists, learn from the leaders in the field, and take part in Member Calls. Remember, you do not have to go it alone. Try Trauma Therapist | 2.0 now, Free for 7-Days right here: 7-Day Free Trial ( https://www.thetraumatherapistproject.com/7-day-free-trial-trauma-therapist-2-0/ ) April is a former medical social worker, where she provided counseling to her patients and their family members to help them cope with the trauma of medical emergencies in the state of Texas. She later moved to Colorado and started her private practice to serve QTPOC patients with a history of racial trauma. After having worked with QTPOC, she decided to help prevent racism in society by working with white clients as a coach using the Racist Signature Theory ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ABbL6LVl0U&t=7s ). Finally, she opened up the Racism Recovery Center to provide psychotherapy for the treatment of racism. *In This Episode* * Racism Recovery Center ( https://aprilharter.com/?fbclid=IwAR1tY7r0OdeNRhX7xuq7FpVqWS1fYNzQfCm6zKQ9VQFCckFJ3nRYjIbCSGA ) * April on Facebook ( https://www.facebook.com/rrecoverycenter/ ) * Robin DiAngelo, PhD ( https://robindiangelo.com/about-me/ ) * Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT ( https://darlenelancer.com/ ) * Cynthia Wall, LCSW ( https://www.cynthiawall.com/ ) * White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism ( https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0807047414/ref=as_li_qf_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=wescoatrapro-20&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=0807047414&linkId=b5fcdb5660682c3cb3a7018e52b6e03d ) , Robin DiAngela Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/the-trauma-therapist-podcast-with-guy-macpherson-phd-inspiring-interviews-with-thought-leaders-in-the-field-of-trauma/donations Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands
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