The Harmful Habits Podcast

This week, we explore how violence—whether in relationships, policing, or foreign policy—is normalized and often celebrated in white American culture. Drawing from our experience in domestic violence work, we unpack how control, blame, and force show up not just interpersonally but systemically. We also respond to a listener's discomfort with the idea of Black joy, revealing how even joy can be seen as a threat within a culture built on control. Plus: a São João festival story and a sleepy fungi fact.Support the show

 In this episode, we dig into the discomfort, resentment, and backlash that often show up when Black joy takes center stage—especially around holidays like Juneteenth. We explore why white supremacy depends on Black suffering, how joy becomes an act of resistance, and what it reveals about white identity when that joy is met with hostility. Jamesa shares personal stories, we unpack current headlines, and yes—there's even a mushroom fact. Support the show

This week, we're joined by the brilliant Eckoes, creator behind one of our favorite social media accounts, Shit I Have a Problem With. We get into what it actually means to have a problem with something — and how to do it in a way that doesn't just center your ego or shut the whole thing down. We talk about why discomfort isn't the enemy, how calling something out can still leave room for connection, and why the goal isn't to always be agreeable — it's to be real.We also reflect on Portugal's quiet commitment to celebration, even (and especially) when there's nothing “big” to celebrate. And we take a look at the recycled, racist narratives around immigration in both the U.S. and the U.K. — and why it's not just the policies that are harmful, but the stories we keep telling to justify them.Support the show

In this episode, we dive into the four F's—Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn—and how these survival responses can derail us from doing the right thing, especially in moments that call for courage, clarity, or connection. We unpack how these patterns show up in leadership, relationships, and everyday life—and share practical ways to navigate them more effectively.And of course, we sprinkle in real stories from our life here in Portugal—because healing and humor go hand in hand.Support the show

What do phrases like “pro-life,” “law and order,” and “family values” have in common?They sound virtuous—but they're often just control, dressed up as morality.In this episode, Ben and Jamesa—coming to you from our life here in Portugal—unpack how language that sounds good on the surface can actually be a tool for domination, silence, and harm. We explore how these phrases shape everything from public policy to workplace culture, and how control often hides behind ideas that seem unassailable.We also share what it means to move beyond that—to lead and live with more honesty, more discomfort, and a lot more connection.Support the show

We hear it all the time: “Of course I hate racism.” But when we start looking a little deeper — into silence, avoidance, who we protect, and what we're willing to give up — the picture gets murkier.In this episode, we're talking honestly about the gap between intention and impact when it comes to anti-racism. We get into:Why it's easier to say the right thing than to live differentlyHow control, comfort, and avoidance keep racism aliveWhat the recent Google discrimination lawsuit tells us about what's still happening across workplaces — big and smallAnd why not being racist is nowhere near enoughThis isn't about guilt or performance. It's about getting honest, choosing discomfort, and doing something real with the privilege we've got.Let's get into it.Support the show

If you've ever wondered where to begin with this podcast, this is the one. In our season 9 opener, we bring you into the heart of our work: building a community rooted in letting go of control and choosing connection.We explore the recent Portuguese elections—how voting works here, what's at stake, and how it all contrasts with the U.S. political system.Then we dig into something heavier: Black Fatigue. A term originally created to describe the long-term physical and emotional toll of racism on Black people, now being twisted by some white folks to describe their own weariness with conversations about race. We unpack the irony, the harm, and the deeper truths behind that reaction.And as always, we'll mix in some recent happenings from our family life, a thoughtful listener letter, and Ben's ongoing irritation with foot-specific socks.Join us for another conversation about meaningful connection.

In this episode, we dive into the viral video of a white woman calling a Black child the N-word—and the jaw-dropping fact that she made over $600K in donations afterward. We unpack what this says about whiteness, dehumanization, and the selective empathy that shields white perpetrators while abandoning Black children. We also talk about the staggering global indifference to the suffering of children in Gaza and the disturbing patterns in white responses to harm—especially when the victims aren't white.But it's not all heavy. We also share some real, raw, and hilarious tales from our own parenting lives—because raising kids while trying to raise consciousness means you've got to find the humor somewhere. Join us for an episode that holds both outrage and tenderness, grief and laughter, all at once.

 In today's episode, Ben and Jamesa reflect on the recent blackout in Portugal and what it revealed about control, flexibility, and unexpected stillness. They also dive into insights sparked by the film A Real Pain, exploring themes of grief, family dynamics, mental health, and the lifelong practice of learning to get along. It's a conversation about disruption, connection, and what we carry with us—whether the lights are on or not. 

 In this episode of Ben and Jamesa, we dive into the intersection of neurodivergence and social justice, exploring what it means to live as a neurospicy family in a world built for neurotypical norms. We unpack RFK Jr.'s recent comments about autism and why pathologizing neurodivergence is both harmful and outdated. From emotional sensitivity to sensory needs, we share how our neurospicyness shapes the way we move through parenting, relationships, and justice work. We also explore how neurodivergent folks often have a heightened sensitivity to injustice—and how that can become a superpower in dismantling systems rooted in control, conformity, and suppression. 

In this episode, we explore what it really means to step outside your comfort zone—whether that's moving across the world, engaging with unfamiliar identities, or sitting with uncomfortable truths about privilege and power.We kick things off with Jamesa's personal journey into expat life and her new focus on coaching individuals and families through the emotional and identity-shifting realities of living abroad. From there, we dive into the deeper discomfort many people—especially those with dominant identities—avoid: confronting the ways they've been shielded from discomfort through systems of power.We unpack how intersectionality shapes who gets to stay comfortable, who doesn't, and why leaving your comfort zone is essential for personal growth and collective liberation. We also reflect on recent headlines that show what happens when people resist change, and we answer a listener question on neurodivergence, accountability, and doing “white people work” without shutting down.

In this episode, we dive into Adolescence, Netflix's hit series on toxic masculinity, disconnection, and the Manosphere. We break down how the show illustrates the Hero-Victim-Offender (HVO) Cycle—the pattern that keeps men trapped in harmful identities—and what it reveals about power, control, and connection.We also answer a key listener question: What's the difference between therapy and therapeutic coaching? Tune in for a deep dive into Adolescence, masculinity, and breaking free from cycles of harm.

In this episode of the Ben and Jamesa Podcast, we explore what it truly takes to care for yourself deeply—beyond bubble baths and quick fixes—so that you can show up fully for your family, your community, and the world. We discuss life changes, including navigating the emotional and physical shifts that come with aging and menopause, and how embracing self-care as a transformative practice can enhance resilience and connection.We also take a look at some inspiring headlines from around the globe, reminding us that even amidst the chaos, there are always stories of hope, progress, and humanity shining through. Tune in for an honest, compassionate conversation about change, connection, and the power of showing up for yourself first.Don't forget to subscribe, share, and let us know your thoughts!

In this episode, we break down the latest headlines and the recurring theme of white empathy deficits shaping public discourse. We unpack the return of segregation—not in name, but in practice—as systemic choices continue to isolate and exclude marginalized communities. And in a sharp left turn, we also talk about menopause—because if society refuses to discuss it, we will! From brain fog to surprise hot flashes in the middle of a meeting, we get into why menopause is basically puberty's grumpy older sister and why everyone (yes, even you) should care. 

In this episode, we dive into the latest headlines and why the fight for Black lives is far from over. We share more details about our move out of the country, unpack the realities of white empathy (and when it's more harmful than helpful), and discuss the erasure of Black Lives Matter Plaza. From systemic shifts to personal reflections, we break down what these moments mean for the ongoing struggle for justice—and why we refuse to let the conversation fade.Tune in, share, and keep pushing forward. Black lives STILL matter.

"Be More Curious"Curiosity isn't just a personality trait—it's a tool for liberation. This week, we're diving into why being more curious is essential for challenging the oppressive systems that shape our world.First, we take you behind the scenes of our decision to leave the U.S. and why Portugal became our new home. Then, we break down some of the week's wildest headlines—Zelensky at the White House, and Ben Shapiro's outrageous call to pardon Derek Chauvin (yes, really).But the heart of this episode is a bigger conversation: Why does curiosity matter in the fight against white supremacy? How does asking better questions help us disrupt harmful narratives? And what happens when we refuse to accept the status quo?Get ready for an episode that will challenge you, maybe even make you uncomfortable—but most of all, inspire you to be more curious.

 We're kicking off a brand-new season with a fresh structure, new ways for you to engage, and even bigger conversations! And what better way to start than by tackling the question we get asked the most—Are all white people racist? Buckle up, because we're diving into the real meaning behind this question, the reactions it sparks, and what it reveals about race in America. Plus, we break down the week's biggest headlines, share the personal stories that made us realize it was time to take a break from America, and introduce exciting new ways for you to be part of the conversation. You don't want to miss this one! 

This week, we're talking about the myth of self-sufficiency and why community matters more than ever. From recent headlines to personal reckonings, we dig into how toxic individualism is making life harder for everyone—and what we can do about it.Also, are we getting a divorce? Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, we're working through it on the mic. And finally, the age-old debate: Man Flu vs. Woman Flu—who actually suffers more? (Spoiler: One of us has thoughts.)Tune in for real talk, real laughs, and maybe even some real solutions.

In this special Valentine's Day episode, we dive into the intersection of joy, resistance, and the state of the world. From the Super Bowl halftime show to the challenges of celebrating love amid societal chaos, we explore how we can continue to celebrate joy, connection, and humanity when white supremacy is actively tearing the country apart.We'll reflect on the ways that the media, politics, and cultural events like the Super Bowl can distract or unify us, and how we can harness the power of love and celebration in the face of such challenges. How do we hold space for joy while acknowledging the systems of oppression that threaten it?Join us for a candid conversation on how we navigate these contradictions—keeping love at the center, even when the world feels like it's on the brink. Let's explore how joy can be a radical act in a time when the stakes are higher than ever.

This week, we've seen headlines that prove—yet again—how white silence protects power.  These moments aren't just happening in the news; they're happening in your workplace, your community, and your home too.Too often, white people choose comfort over accountability. They stay quiet when:

We had some audio issues this episode, but... Trump's first week back in power is already showing us exactly what we feared—escalating authoritarianism, attacks on marginalized communities, and a playbook straight out of history's darkest chapters. We break down what's happening and what we need to be paying attention to. Then, we shift to Black History Month in the workplace—where performative allyship runs wild, corporate statements fall flat, and real change is often nowhere to be found. Why do so many companies get it wrong? And what does true accountability look like? Tune in for an unfiltered conversation on politics, race, and the workplace.

In this powerful episode, we explore Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s legacy through the lens of our CACTI model, focusing on Compassion vs. Politeness. We discuss how Dr. King's approach to justice and humanity emphasized the courage to act with true compassion—speaking hard truths, challenging the status quo, and dismantling systems of oppression.Join us as we unpack the difference between compassion, which seeks meaningful change, and politeness, which often prioritizes comfort over progress. We reflect on what Dr. King's teachings mean for us today and how we can lead with compassionate courage in our lives and workplaces.

In this reflective and heartfelt episode, Ben and Jamesa look back on the year 2024, sharing meaningful moments, personal growth, and lessons learned. Through thoughtful questions and candid conversation, they revisit the highs, lows, and everything in between that defined their year together. Tune in for an inspiring journey through the past year, filled with insights and a touch of nostalgia.

 In this episode, we dive into the CACTI model—Curiosity, Accountability, Compassion, Transparency, and Insight—and explore how these principles can help you shift from control to connection in both your professional and personal life. We'll unpack the opposites of each principle, such as Compassion vs. Politeness and Curiosity vs. Judgment, to show how small shifts can lead to profound changes in relationships and leadership. Whether you're striving to build trust at work or deepen personal connections, this episode offers actionable steps and reflections to guide your journey toward authentic engagement and meaningful connection. 

 This holiday season, let's trade the stress of keeping up with traditions for the joy of slowing down and connecting more deeply. In this episode, Ben and Jamesa get real about 5 Ways to Decenter Whiteness During the Holidays—from ditching toxic positivity and embracing real emotions to shifting focus from consumerism to authentic connection. We'll explore how slowing down, being intentional, and creating space for inclusion can transform your celebrations into something truly meaningful. Join us for an honest, thoughtful, and heartwarming conversation about making the holidays a time of healing and togetherness! 

 Is your workplace built to include everyone—or does it unknowingly center whiteness? In this episode, we break down five clear signs that white-centered culture might be shaping your organization. From communication styles to decision-making processes, we explore how these patterns show up and the impact they have on inclusion, equity, and productivity. Tune in for actionable insights and steps you can take to help your workplace move toward true diversity and belonging. 

 In this episode, Ben shares five actionable steps he's taking as a white man post-election to challenge systemic racism, foster accountability, and support collective healing. Jamesa offers insight and critiques to push the conversation deeper. Let's move beyond awareness into action. 

In this episode, "5 Things This Black Woman is Doing in the Next Four Years," Jamesa shares her personal plan for thriving amid ongoing challenges, offering inspiration and practical advice for other Black women. From prioritizing radical self-care and creating boundaries to cultivating joy, amplifying Black voices, and nurturing community healing, Jamesa highlights actions that empower and sustain. This episode is a heartfelt guide for Black women to navigate the coming years with strength, intention, and resilience, rooted in love and collective support. 

In 6 Things White People Need to Stop Doing After the Election, Ben and Jamesa share candid insights on navigating the post-election landscape. The episode outlines key actions white people should avoid, like performative campaigns and forcing engagement with Black people, and emphasizes the importance of listening, recognizing privilege, and making genuine change. Join Ben and Jamesa for a heartfelt discussion on authentic allyship and resilience.

In this 7 season opener, Ben and Jamesa dive deep into the emotional and relational turbulence of election season, highlighting how to stay grounded when everything around you feels chaotic. They unpack the essential distinctions between self-care and self-indulgence, offering insights on practices that support resilience rather than escapism. For those navigating challenging dynamics with family members who hold different political beliefs, Ben and Jamesa provide strategies to manage these relationships with compassion and clear boundaries, helping listeners maintain both inner peace and authenticity during high-stress times. 

 In this thought-provoking episode, we sit down with bestselling author Soraya Chemaly to dive into the complexities surrounding the concept of resilience, especially as it relates to race. We explore the idea of resilience as a cultural expectation—asking whether it truly empowers or instead serves to uphold systemic inequalities. Soraya shares insights from her book, The Resilience Myth: New Thinking on Grit, Strength, challenging the narrative that communities of color must be endlessly resilient in the face of oppression. Together, we discuss the impact of this narrative on marginalized communities, how it intersects with race and gender, and what it means for our understanding of healing and justice. As we transition to the next season of our podcast, focused on our own journey of racial awareness and healing, we consider whether it's time to redefine what true strength and support look like. 

 In this episode, 'Neurospicyness and Race,' Ben shares his experiences as an autistic white man, while Jamesa opens up about her journey with an ADHD diagnosis as a Black woman. Together, they explore how their neurodivergence intersects with their experiences of race, discussing the challenges, strengths, and unique perspectives that come from navigating the world through these lenses. 

In this episode, we sit down with graphic novelist and historian Joel Christian Gill to explore the untold stories of Black history and their lasting impact on our understanding of race today. Joel shares how his work uncovers forgotten figures and pivotal moments in American history that have been erased or overlooked, and why reclaiming these narratives is essential for collective healing. We discuss the power of storytelling as a tool for justice, the intersection of art and activism, and how re-learning history can challenge and transform our understanding of systemic racism. This is a rich, enlightening conversation about the role of art in reshaping the future and the importance of recognizing the stories that have shaped our past. Tune in for an episode that will inspire reflection and action. 

In this week's episode of the Ben and Jamesa Podcast, we dive into how states like Florida and Texas are using voter roll purges to disenfranchise Black voters and marginalized communities. We'll break down why this matters and explore the latest current events. Plus, Ben might just give us a sneak peek into his and Jamesa's upcoming anniversary plans! Tune in for an insightful and timely conversation. 

Yesterday, Marcellus Williams was executed despite lingering doubts about his conviction, sparking renewed conversations about racial injustice. In this episode, we reflect on Williams' case and examine the dissonance many white people experience when faced with uncomfortable truths about systemic racism. We delve into what happens when white discomfort leads to inaction and how accountability requires moving beyond dissonance to engage in meaningful, collective change. Join us for a powerful discussion on how to confront and transform the barriers that prevent true racial justice.

 In this episode of the Ben and Jamesa Podcast, we tackle the headlines that continue to demand Black women remain calm and composed. From social media backlash to public figures, we explore how the "angry Black woman" stereotype persists and why reclaiming our right to express anger is key to challenging these narratives and dismantling oppressive norms. 

In this episode, Ben and Jamesa dive into the tragic reality of the latest school shooting, examining it through the lens of race, media coverage, and societal narratives. Titled "More White on White Violence," this discussion challenges the silence and framing around violence in predominantly white communities, while exploring why these acts are rarely analyzed as a part of larger systemic issues. Together, they break down how race influences our understanding of tragedy, asking hard questions about accountability, culture, and the role media plays in shaping public perception.Join us for a thought-provoking conversation that reframes the narrative around school violence in America.

 In this episode of the Ben and Jamesa Podcast, titled "Don't Put That in Your Mouth," we dive into the surprising history of how cigarette companies moved into the processed food industry. We explore the tactics Big Tobacco used to make unhealthy foods as addictive as their cigarettes, and the long-term health problems this has caused, especially in vulnerable communities. Join us as we uncover the dark side of corporate greed and its impact on public health. 

Why do people like JD Vance continually attack women but yet claim to be the family values party? Why does the "pro-life" party allow humans to be cooked inside their prison cells? Join Ben and Jamesa (plus their friend Deb) to learn more about the cognitive dissonance of white supremacy and patriarchy.

What the hell was going on with the Break dancer from Australia, and how does this symbolize how white people operate in this world? Well join our conversation to find out as Ben and Jamesa take a look at the Olympics and other events from the past week to help you decolonize your thinking.

With the announcement of Kamala Harris's bid for the president's office came the predictable white supremacist dog whistles attempting to minimize her successes and qualifications. One of the loudest dog whistles was to call her a DEI hire. This is common among white people when they see Black women breaking the glass ceilings placed over them and on today's episode, Ben and Jamesa discuss the irony of this judgment considering all the white supremacist hires throughout America's history.

Have you noticed the tropes used to diminish the election campaign of Vice President Harris and other Black women in leadership roles? On today's episode, Ben and Jamesa discuss the trends in these tropes, why they are problematic, and what you can do about them. Join the conversation!

Have you ever looked at how violence is used to engage or disengage people from the political process? On today's episode, Ben and Jamesa review the different ways white people have used violence to disenfranchise political minorities and compare that to recent headlines. They also discuss how this is their last episode on American soil, and what you can expect next.

When democracies move towards dictatorships there are specific patterns that they follow. On today's episode, Ben and Jamesa look at current events to decipher if we are currently on that path as a country.

Where would you move to if you could move anywhere in the world, or would you stay put? In today's episode, Ben and Jamesa discuss their upcoming move to Portugal, what they are excited about, and what they will miss, all while discussing recent headlines that, in part, drove their decision to take a break from America.

After a recent outing to a pride festival and encountering a group of white evangelical protestors, Jamesa and Ben wondered how white people are so confident that they are right and everyone else is wrong. They review some recent news stories and are joined by a special guest to help unpack this topic.

Have you ever heard of compassion dissonance? or compassion hierarchy?  On today's episode we explore how these concepts allow white people and others to be selectively compassionate. Join Ben and Jamesa as they explore todays news headlines through the lens of compassionate curiosity.

Are you curious how racist you are, or if non-white people can be racist? Join Ben and Jamesa as they review these questions and more using examples from the latest headlines to explain.

Have you ever wondered why White people act like the judge and jury when Black people are in trouble, but act like social workers when people who look like them get in trouble? We explore these questions and more and their toes to toxic individuality, and the cost that has on society.

Ben and Jamesa are joined by international recording artist Eckoes, who shares her take on the problems with how people talk about race as well as sharing some of her music and a previously unheard track! Join the colorful conversation and grow in your ability to lead with compassionate curiosity.

Ben and Jamesa discuss several recent news stories through an anti-racist lens while Jamesa refuses to apologize for calling Ben "Hannibal Lecter" while wearing his new CPAP mask.