Failure To Launch

In the midst of Turtle mania, surrounded by Street Sharks, Battletoads and Martian Biker Mice, one studio decided to do things backwards: What if we made the tie-in videogame first, and made the cartoon second? Unfortunately the game was a disaster, so obviously the adventures of Bullet-head Man, Horny Buzzsaw-for-legs Girl, Sentient Toolbox and uh... some other ones. They're a team, they fought crime, probably. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Wouldn't you know it, John doesn't spend enough time with his family! But that's ok, they're going on a long cruise, just the four of them. But oh no! The boat sank, they're drowning! But that's ok, they washed up on an island, with people and everything! The people tell them they've been there for decades and you can never leave, but that's ok! The beach is nice! Also one of the kids needs insulin and is running out, but that's ok! There's magic dolphins! That's ok! That's ok! That's ok That's ok That's okthat'sokthatsokthatsokthatsokthatsokthatsokthatsokthatsokthatsok S O S A O K S O S S O S A O K S O S S O S A O K S O S S O S A O K S O S Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Our first Failure to Launch for 2020 is the super-1985 Suburban Beat, the story of 4 suburban housewives thrown together by circumstance (they wanted to) to solve the murder of their friend. I say friend, but to be honest they're kinda glib about the whole thing. This quickly changes, however, as the details of the murder become more and more serious, forcing them to come face to face with the dark underbelly of Middle America- I lied. They stay just as glib, but the rest of that stuff happens. Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Lisa Dibb, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Two kids cuddle a shitty mannequin who turns into a man with a blue mullet. He avoids getting stabbed in 80s New York City while teaching the kids about centrist politics. None of them can sing, but they do and you can't stop them. This is Creating Rem Lazar, and it's madness. You can find Sarah and Michael's podcast, Sarah and Michael Save Christmas here, or find them on twitter at @meandmyeasel for Michael, or @why_in_the_heck for Sarah! Reviewers: James Ferris, Sarah Baggs, Michael Williams Soundboard: Lisa Dibb

This week we're looking at our oldest pilot ever, Madame Sin, a 1973 attempt to kinda do Bond on TV, but what if the villain was the protagonist and also Bette Davis? She's got everything: weird gadgets, a secret lair, underground lab filled with mad scientists, a delightfully camp second-in-command, even a plan to steal a nuclear submarine! The only thing she's missing is someone willing to tell her to stop adding steps to her plan, or maybe suggest she think about using that mind control device more often. Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This Failure to Launch covers The Owl, a trapped-between-eras vigilante hero who is both an 80s style down-and-dirty street justice thug and, in 90s style, named for a dumb bird. When The Owl comes up against rapping drug dealer Cool Ice (he has a henchman with a boombox on standby), no amount of carbombed daughters or late city busses can stop him getting shot repeatedly for justice. A quick lie down might be good though. Or a shower. Goddamn this guy really needs a shower. Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

It wouldn't be a season of Failure to Launch without a crimefighting dog, so here's Sniff, another pilot from the 1988 CBS Summer Playhouse (pls bring this back CBS it's been so bountiful.) Robert Wuhl, best known for being that reporter in most of Kim Basinger's scenes in Batman '89, is Sid Barrows, a reporter in most of the dog's scenes in this thing. Nominally he's here to solve crimes but as is trad the dog does most of the heavy lifting. Every crimefighting dog show needs a twist though, and Sniff's is... Sid's dad seems to live with him and do most of the homemaking? It's unconventional but also surprisingly charming. 4 stars. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dibb Soundboard: Andrew Cherry Sniff on IMDB

Failure to Launch is BACK, with... essentially the same pilot we left you with. Scott Bakula* gets into an accident with a space probe,* and ends up with superpowers.* He has to fight a billionaire* with the help of a love interest.* This time though, instead of a son, he has... the Island... also the probe is inside him. Right up there. Two years later he'd escape Failed Pilot Island with Quantum Leap, but we're still here, sifting through the rubble for Billy Zane projects. Season 5! *again Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

In this 'Christmas' edition of Failure to Launch, we examine I-Man, a Scott Bakula Sci-Fi vehicle in which he learns the meaning of Christma- wait, no, he inhales a mysterious gas from space. After inhaling it, he finds he has been turned into Jolly Old Saint Nicho- whoops nope he gets blown up and miraculously recovers, as he is now immortal. Actually, this pilot has nothing to do with Christmas really, but it does have laser guns and a truck that falls off a cliff for SO LONG, so there's that. Merry Christmas! Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week on FtL, we travelled back in time, then forward again, to look at a sexy, revamped version of the Three Musketeers. But these aren’t your grandma’s stogy old Musketeers, all 17th Century and French and shit. These bad boys (and girl! Fancy!) live in America in the year 2000, only… different. There’s no guns (or even, y’know, muskets), and instead of police there’s Musketeers. But also the Cardinal’s men, who are also the police? Plus there’s a Cardinal, and a King, who are at war while also being buddies, and uh… Apart from mobile phones and cars this is pretty much just the three musketeers. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week in our 101st EPISODE EXTRAVAGANZA (whoops) we treat ourselves with a locally-shot action extravaganza: Irresistible Force, a.k.a. POWER COP. Detective Stone, who's too old for this shit (i.e. getting shot on a weekly basis) is thrown into a Die Hard Lite™ hostage situation with a brand new partner, rookie cop and all-round arse booter Charlotte "Charlie" Heller, played by 90s straight-to-video action star Cynthia Rothrock. There's an angry chief, a weiner kid, a by-the-book, pencil-pushing, city-hall-will-have-my-arse lieutenant, and even a surprise guest for us Aussies! What a way to celebrate 101 episodes of Failure to Launch! Certainly better than some Friends rip-off. Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week on Failure to Launch, we raced through Our Thirties, a 2006 sitcom that, like all other sitcoms from the era, was trying to be Friends. Our Thirties hook was a cast of characters with midlife crises on the horizon, examining what they wanted out of life. Turns out it's weddings. Weddings weddings weddings, heteronormative pairings and giving their friend who kissed a girl once shit for it decades after it happened. Also Peter Serafinowicz and Rashida Jones are in it, and thank God this failed so those two could go make something better. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: Lisa Dib

At Failure to Launch, Halloween's not over yet!* Closing out this extended spoopy month is The Omen, a mid-90s attempt to serialise the 1970s film. In this version, Hotshot Reporter JACK MAN and two other people we don't care about because their names aren't JACK MAN team up to fight some sort of... possessey, flying, snakey... thing? Also it has human helpers, maybe? Dunno, there's a fair bit going on. Subscribe to Failure to Launch via iTunes (ow.ly/aGJz303czsE) or RSS (ow.ly/xXoU303czqq). Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Martin Dunlop Soundboard: Andrew Cherry *Cherry fucked up the releases and he's very sorry.

This continuation of the spooky month has us watching Ultraviolet, a 2000s attempt by FOX to adapt a British series about cops and vampires. There were cops, and there were vampires, but they might have… forgotten what those are. Anyway, Idris Elba. Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week’s spooky Failure to Launch travels back to the 1970s, dipping into the US’s trendiest fear of the time: Satanists! These particular Satanists are silently guiding Jessica, a young woman, through life in the hopes that she’ll one day birth the anti-christ. Unfortunately her car is struck by DACK RAMBO, a freelance journalist who immediately hits on her, and a whirlwind romance begins. Sounds exciting, but it’s mostly cats and wind. And DACK RAMBO. Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: Lisa Dib

This week on Failure to Launch, we watched a modern version of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, starring Adam Baldwin? …that’s honestly as much as we can say. Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week Failure to Launch examines a late-90s relic from MTV, Sorority. An attempt to riff on classic college comedies like Animal House, but with a twist: instead of misfit dudes fighting the stuck up arseholes in the snooty frat, it’s all about misfit women fighting the stuck up arseholes in the snooty, uh... sorority. Sounds kinda progressive, right? Well it was still the late 90s, so hahaha no. Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, Alex Malone Soundboard: David Shaw

After his boss is killed and then he himself is killed (but not really), he teams up with a hot Walkman fence slash wheelchair-bound child race fixer, hangs out in a crypt and fights crime the 1930s way - wearing a little mask and punching people dramatically. Also, Niles from The Nanny plays an art dealer, but he’s not in it much :( Reviewers: James Ferris, Michael Williams, Alex Malone Soundboard: Skeletor

This week Failure to Launch takes a look at the 2003 (oh my god guys, it’s so 2003) pilot for The Lone Ranger. It’s got everything a great western should have, cute boys, top 40 hits, an extended drug trip sequence, y’know all the classic western stuff. When optimistic young college boy Luke Hartman is almost killed by a bunch of no good outlaws, he sets out on a quest for revenge that will see him steal from widows, investigate rice and maybe even learn to do sweet fly-kicks. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lucy Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week's Failure to Launch examines a 1990 semi-supernatural cop show created by Wes Craven. Wes Craven! He’s pretty good at stuff! It’s about a cynical cop teaming up with a possible lunatic to hunt a serial killer with a paranormal twist. One of them believes in the supernatural, the other is skeptical. Gee, that sounds like a good show, one that should probably star Mitch Pileggi, just like this one! Welp. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week's Failure to Launch examines a 1977 sci-fi pilot, Exo-Man. Sounds fun, right? It's about a brilliant scientist who, through amazing technology, builds a bulletproof, invincible robot suit. Sounds cool, right? He faces off against the mob, who are out to kill him before he can testify in open court. Sounds exciting, right? There's car bombs, shootouts, bank jobs, culminating in our hero losing the use of his legs in a targeted hit! Sounds thrilling, right? It is! Eventually. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week Failure to Launch ponders Dr. Paradise, the story of the titular doctor, played by Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon), and his medical practice on a tiny tropical island. He's your classic grumpy arsehole doctor, so you'd expect him to have some redeeming feature to balance it out, right? Well, add these things to the scale: He owns the island, he runs a casino, he bullies everyone around him and reminds them how much power he has over them and occasionally pulls his goldfish out of it's tank for not fully explained reasons. Whatever's on the redeeming end of the scale has to be pretty damn massive, right? Right? Also, talking parrot. Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week Failure to Launch examines B-Men, another CBS Summer Playhouse pilot. Jim, a smart, funny & handsome high schooler, & Kevin, a high schooler who’s just smart and funny (ripped off), accidentally catch a criminal with a $25,000 bounty on his head. After this easy payday, they decide to get into bounty hunting despite still attending high school, not owning a gun and being complete idiots. At this point, every other character threatens to kill them, including a really old bounty hunter with an unconvincing robot hand, some bikers and an invincible cartoon-physics murderer. They’ve got their wits though, so it bumbles along until a car explodes and some other stuff. Contains trace amounts of Pauly Shore. Subscribe to Failure to Launch via iTunes (ow.ly/aGJz303czsE) or RSS (ow.ly/xXoU303czqq). Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Failure to Launch enters a new year by going BACK IN TIME! Synergy! This week we drop back to 1992 for a pilot that takes us to 1775, aptly titled '1775'. Someone at CBS thought the year before the violent, bloody American Revolution would be a good setting for some Married with Children alternate-universe fanfic, so that's what we've got. The eldest daughter's kissing boys oh dear, Dad's a dud root, Mum hates him and there's two other kids but who gives a shit about them. It's set in 1775 though, so they run a tavern and Dad's cousin is George Washington (Adam West). Anyway.   Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Grab your crucifix and hold on tight! This ain’t your grandmas christian television, it’s time to get extreme!! With the book of Daniel; a hard edged and realistic look at the life of a modern christian family. Things are about to get real. We’re talking drug abuse, racism, homophobia, drug trafficking, and internet piracy. NBC are ready to talk about all of this stuff in a direct and brave way that hopefully won’t upset their very conservative audience. What’s that? Complaints? Cancel it immediately. When 3 million dollars goes missing from the church funds Reverend Daniel Webster freaks out for a bit but then gets distracted making gay jokes about his son, playing golf and popping illegal prescription meds. Guided by Jesus on his quest to get the money back, he lies to his father, colludes with organised crime and gets a bishop hooked on pain killers. Jesus is weirdly quiet about all of this stuff but y’know, mysterious ways. Reviewers: James Ferris, Martin Dunlop, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: David Shaw

This week's Failure to Launch covers Crowfoot, the story of Detective Nick, er, Crowfoot, a half-Native American cop working in Hawaii who has psychic powers and may also be able to shapeshift, although he's not sure about either of these things. You'd think this'd be enough to base a show on, but Crowfoot is also about: His partner Det. Lisa, an older Japanese-Hawaiian cop who's psychic for psychics (maybe) Rachael, a lady Nick found washed up on the beach with amnesia who keeps disappearing and reappearing Det. Nuzo, a grizzled cop who hates his ex-wife and seems mad he's not the main character like he normally would be in a show like this An arsehole divorce lawyer who's going through a divorce (get it?) Monk, the world's most suspicious man, who built a car that runs on garbage, and no-one acknowledges that this is a miracle That is an incomplete list. It's been a while since we watched something this bonkers. Settle in. Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

CW: Child abuse This week's Failure to Launch covers Mason, a 1975 sitcom vehicle for child star Mason Reece. Mason was already famous nationally for a number of TV commercials, so getting him is own show was a sensible decision. The next decision the show runners made, though... look, if the content warning didn't clue you in to this pilot's 'comedic' theme, let's just say this is the worst decision we've seen a pilot make in 85 episodes of Failure to Launch, bar none. If you ever wanted to hear Harry's brain explode, this is the episode for you. Also, the manager of the hotel from The Shining is Mason's dad. So, there's that? Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, David Shaw, Alex Malone Soundboard: Harry Brimage

It’s a packed house on Failure to Launch this week as we examine Riverworld, a 2003 SyFy original, except it’s not because it’s based on a fantasy book series. Strap yourself in for some tedious world building! Basically a bunch of people who died at different points in history wake up together, naked and screaming, in Riverworld; a big ol’ planet run by aliens, probably. Along their journey, our protagonists meet: - A neanderthal, whose savage attempts to kill people are bad - Emperor Nero, whose classy attempts to kill people are good! - Cameron Daddo, whose American accent is bad - A fish-alien dude, whose paddle-steamer building abilities are good! Will they find out what Riverworld really is? Can they get back to Earth? Will these and other mysteries be solved? Absolutely not, this is a pilot. They can’t blow this stuff early. Read the books if you’re that desperate, nerd. Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, David Shaw, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week on FAILURE TO LAUNCH we shine a light on DARKLIGHT, a 2004 Sci-Fi Channel saga starring Shiri Appelby (Roswell, unREAL) and Richard Burgi (The Sentinel, Desperate Housewives), as they fight demons, mad scientists and the plague with the power of blackface! Based on the Legend of Lilith, who God created to be Adam’s wife, Lilith was supposed to live in the Garden of Eden but had the gall to ask to be treated equally so is cursed to live for eternity as a demon. Lilith isn’t thrilled with this decision, and spends centuries viciously murdering all that cross her path. Standing in the way of her vengeance is The Faith, a top-secret organization committed to killing Lilith but when they actually get the opportunity to kill Lilith, they just give her amnesia instead. Problem solved! Right? Now working as a florist, Lilith seems fairly disinterested in learning anything about her past or what those giant stones are doing lodged in her arm. So, when a mad scientist turns himself into a plague-spreading demonicus that will bring about the apocalypse within a couple of days, Lilith does not give a shit and neither do we. But understanding the urgency of the situation, The Faith immediately send a rollerblading courier to provide Lilith with really cryptic messages containing mysterious clues about her identity. Can Lilith solve their riddles in time? Will The Faith just tell her what’s happening? Why would an organization that only exists to kill Lilith, employ Lilith? Will this needlessly complex plot have a satisfying conclusion? Also how does blackface help you fight demons? Tune in to another exciting episode of Failure to Launch to find out.

This week on FAILURE TO LAUNCH we trash GARBAGE PAIL KIDS, starring the voices of Tara Strong (Powerpuff Girls, Fairly Odd Parents, My Little Pony) Cree Summer (Inspector Gadget, Tiny Toons) and Alyson Court (X-Men, Beetlejuice). Based on the popular trading cards of the 80s that were in turn a parody of the popular dolls "The Cabbage Patch Kids", Garbage Pail kids is a confusing fun mess. The toys of the world are mysteriously going haywire and it's up to five garbage children and a hot dog to solve the mystery! But don't worry about that because the show starts with a UFO movie parody! Giant ants invade the city! Overpriced toys! The Garbage Messiah! Adults hiding in bushes! Self Harm! A dirty old mattress factory! Slime! Men made of fingers and a security guard who has seen some shit! Shit you push down. Shit that never really leaves you. I need a drink. And you will too! So stick around and listen to what may be the strangest episode ever of Failure to Launch.

This week on FAILURE TO LAUNCH we dissect MODESTY BLAISE starring Anne Turkel (Humanoids from the Deep, The Fear), Lewis Van Bergen (Pinocchio's Revenge) and Carolyn Seymour (Congo and Mr. Mom). Modesty and her friend Willie are pair of Jet settin', knife fightin', table hustlin', Kmer Roug-in', Art Stealin', smutty fortune cookie writin' rogues who just stumble upon a very public Kidnapping. After saving Emma Woodhouse from the clutches of... we don't know? Emma is reluctant to give up any information the daring duo set off to... oh they have a nap? Ok... When the head of the Secret Intelligence Agency; Gerald Tarrant politely knocks on the door to claim Emma, Modesty won't let her go so easily. Left with no other choice he... he just goes... So it's up to Modesty and Willie to... do something? to... work for Tarrant? What!? Tune in to this exciting episode to find out; something about a computer? A dominatrix villain and her giant man baby? Does the plot reveal ever come? Be sure to stick around for the end of this bizarre pilot. It's really something special.

This HALLOWEEN Martin Dunlop joined us as we watched SHIVERS starring Lesley-Anne Down (The Bold and the Beautiful, Sunset Beach, The Pink Panther Strikes Again) and Mark Lindsey Chapman (Titanic, Swamp Thing and FTL favourite ANNIHILATOR!). David and his daughter Amanda move into a new house, but find it's haunted by three American revolution era Ghosts; Jack Marlowe, a highwayman who died with his dick out falling of a barn's support beam; Cassandra, a raunchy Tavern Wench who fell off the beam along with Jack and finally; Silas, a disgusting pig-loving farm hand, whom they fell on. But who gives a shit about all that? When Amanda's new Teacher just shows the fuck up unannounced, she's so disgusted by David's loud yawning and open shirt that she pre-emptively expels Amanda. What a cow. Can the Ghosts who were malicious, like, two minutes ago help impress the haughty Miss Gordon? Can David ever convince his kids that he doesn't hate his ex-wife? Can Matthew... wait... there's another kid? Find out in this Spooky Special episode of Failure to Launch. It's Spoooooktacular!

This week on FAILURE TO LAUNCH we examine VENUS ON THE HARD DRIVE created by Chuck Lorre (Big Bang Theory, Dharma and Greg, Two and a Half Men) starring Oded Gross (Story producer on... Cake Boss?... Cake Boss) and the voice of Maggie Roswell (The Simpsons, Pretty in Pink). Harry is a snarky IT worker who unwittingly uncovers Venus; a government spy program who is also a snarky sexy lady that moves in with him and his snarky snark housemate, Ozzy the snark (Lord Snark of House Snark). More than 10 years after Weird Science, Chuck Lorre thought he'd give it another crack... but what if this time... it was a shitty Chuck Lorre show. If you love Big Bang theory and Two and a Half Men, then you'll tolerate Venus on the Hard Drive... and you probably wonder why we're so hard on all these great shows. You absolute muppet. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry   *Jeez we've been talking about banging a lot lately.

This week on Failure To Launch we watched Time Slip. John Taylor from Duran Duran is "The Hacker" and he's finally hacked the mainframiest mainframe of all. The mainframe of the future, allowing him to see visions of what is to come. What does this modern Nostradamus do with his power? Watch people getting it on. A la The Twilight Zone, this vision of the future is the story of Greg and Jenny committing the crime of love in a cold robotic future where everything is on fire. When Greg intentionally wipes their records from the security system he is shocked to find that the security system "Lee" no longer recognises him and won't let him back in the office, so Greg has no choice but to KILL LEE. Listen to find out if Greg and Jenny can survive this stupid STUPID game of cat and mouse on this week's Failure to Launch. Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: David Shaw

(Apologies for the audio issues with this episode. Someone absent-mindedly turned their microphone off during the recording.) This week on Failure to Launch we examine MICROCOPS, a 1989 sci-fi comedy about Microscopic Alien Cops who's society is entirely made up rule abiding sticklers. So they come to Earth to learn to loosen up, party down and stop a microscopic criminal who is causing oil spills and advocating, like, you know, whatever man WOOP WOOP. But because they are so tiny, in order to get around this massive world they hijack the first person they stumble across; Morgan, a scientist who's entire career involves developing a molecule that will clean up oil spills. So convenient WOOP WOOP! Can Bidra and Nardo save earth with Morgan's help? Can Bidra learn "What is Kissing?" Can Morgan win back the love of his life from the evil millionaire funding all his projects? And can we forget the endless "WOOP WOOPs"? Oh God the WOOPs. Make them stop. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone, David Shaw Soundboard: Lisa Dib

This week's Failure to Launch examines Slickers, a sitcom vehicle for up-and-coming standup Michael Richards (Seinfeld, unfortunate viral footage) and SNL star Dana Carvey (Wayne's World, that film with the egg suit.) Richards is a maverick New York cop sent to teach a young, small town Sheriff Carvey the ways of big city policing, dog training and how to name knives. With this kind of star power, you'd think this'd be a shoe-in for at least one season. Fate, just OK jokes and unjustifiably sappy kids get in the way and leave you going... eh. IMDB - Slickers Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

In this week's Bonus! 20% Value! episode of Failure to Launch, we examine Blade Squad, Fox's attempt to take every 90s fad and boil it down to a concentrate, suitable for washing heavily soiled Hypercolour t-shirts. We meet a rag-tag group of cops on their last chance, as they're all loose cannons. A sergeant, hot off being shot in the head, recruits them into a experimental squad of his own design - normal cops, but they've got rollerblades and jetpacks now, plus they're loose cannons. But how will these loose cannons cope when the silliest show we've watched in years takes an incredibly inappropriate dark turn? Could this really be part of the show's continuity? Turns out it's just some loose canon. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week on Failure To Launch Xander Allan joins us as we follow the journey Alex Wilder (Melissa George from Home and Away & The Slap), a young professional with a bitch of a boss and an approaching marriage that she's not totally sure she's ready for. You know what this calls for! ROAD TRIP! Into a massive tornado. Alex is transported into the magical world of Oz where she meets magical and weird characters who are mostly just normal people. The scarecrow isn't even a scarecrow. It's just a dude. Why do Oz like this? They are pursued by the Ring-wraiths from Lord of The Rings into an underwater kingdom ruled by the Good Witch of the South who tells them a confusing story about how Oz is doomed and it's all that bitch Dorothy's fault. Along the way they meet up with a perplexing goth who has to do cartwheels or backflips every 3 seconds to help them on their perilous journey. What dangers lie in wait? You'll have to listen to find out. But rest assured it'll be real dumb. You can find Xander Allan on Twitter @crimsonxander, or catch him hosting Trivia at the Vic Hotel in Brunswick, 7:30 every Wednesday! Get around it! IMDB - Lost in Oz Reviewers: James Ferris, Xander Allan, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Australian listeners! Over in the US, our fellow failed pilot historians (deficio-nauclerusists?) at the Couch Pilots podcast will soon dive into a curio from OzTV: Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos, the doomed clip show infamously yanked from the channel 9 airways mid-broadcast. If you're unfamiliar with this piece of Aussie TV history, we suggest you let Jason & Blake run you through it. Look out for the episode on the 11th/12th of September on any reputable podcast service! (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ In this week’s Failure to Launch, we ask: why would you bother remaking Turner and Hooch? Unfortunately, this 1990 TV adaption of the classic Tom Hanks ‘reluctantly looks after a dog’ film doesn’t give us any answers. It does however give us a plot that revolves almost entirely around the theft of a pecan pie though so it’s not all bad news. Also Turner seems to gain full custody of a child he arrested because there’s no room in the cells. That’s how the law works, right? But seriously why would you bother remaking Turner and Hooch? Well, NBC had big plans for the Summer of 1990, big dog-based plans. If you’ve listened to our podcast before you may already be familiar with Poochinski, the story of a dead detective whose soul gets transferred into a living dog. Excitingly, Turner and Hooch aired directly after Poochinski to become the titular second dog in NBC’s now legendary Two Dog Night lineup. Armed with that really shitty pun, and the crime-solving dog market now seemingly cornered, NBC had the world at their feet. What could possibly go wrong? Well they don’t solve any crimes. Turner does get called in to investigate the disappearance of some bread and a pecan pie, and then Hooch accordingly mauls a child, but that's not technically solving anything. They also didn’t write any jokes. They do have an angry middle-aged man that inexplicably HATES his dog, but we're not sure that counts as a joke. As a result we’re left with 20 minutes of the televisual equivalent of white noise that pleasingly goes quicker than you’d think. But we all know that making the transition to the small screen is never easy (see Mr. & Mrs. Smith), so it is a welcome relief for Turner and Hooch fans to see an old friend return to lend his star power to this project. That’s right, reprising his title role, Beasley the Dog is back! They got Hooch guys! They got Hooch! IMDB - Turner & Hooch (Pilot) Reviewers: James Ferris, Claire Sullivan, Alex Malone, David Shaw, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

In the SEASON 4 PREMIERE of Failure to Launch we watch Northstar; the 1989 pilot that was so insane it inspired Dan Harmon to produce the Jack Black action spoof "Heat Vision and Jack". We follow the baffling journey of Major Jack North, an astronaut that gets hit RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EYE by a rogue solar flare while on a space mission. Now, whenever he is exposed to sunlight, it amplifies all of his mental and physical abilities but it could also make his head explode. His head almost explodes a lot. He doesn't really make any meaningful effort to avoid the sun. That's an IQ of 1000 for you. After his buddy Captain Moustache-tronaut is murdered it’s up to Jack and his Sexy Scientific handler Dr. Alison Taylor to track down the killer. And by track down we mean stumble around, make VERY AGGRESSIVE passes at each other and chase motorbikes until the killer just gets fed up and solves the crime for them. Why would he do that? We wanted to start season four of Failure to Launch with a bang and what we got was a cranial explosion, but an incredibly fun and confusing one. Northstar is an absolute gem of a mess and we hope you enjoy the insanity. Stick around for the rest of season 4 which we can promise will be EVEN WORSE. IMDB - Northstar Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone, David Shaw, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

In this final instalment of The Summer Of Joe Lara, Rookie Cop Joe *EXPLOSION* his greatest foe; a beefier, taller version of *MASSIVE SHOOTOUT* incredible hair. Just when Joe thinks *FLAMETHROWER* in jail forever, this anarchist-terrorist *BIGGER EXPLOSION* a Hologram Terrorist! *LASER PISTOLS* Joe must *MAD MAX-STYLE RAMMING TRUCK* before he *6 COP CARS EXPLODE* a hologram too! *FORCE LIGHTNING* until *RETIRING COP DIES* *COPS WITH MACHINE GUNS* *ARMS RIPPED OFF* *MULTIPLE RUBBER MASKS* he *COP STANDING ON CAR SHOOTING AT LEAST 20 CRIMINALS DEAD* until *ACTORS WHO CAN’T DELIVER ZINGERS DELIVERING ZINGERS* *FORGETTABLE EXPLOSIONS* *HOLOGRAM BATTLE* *LIMO EXPLOSION* Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage Soundboard: *EXPLOSION*

Our second Joe Jaunt™ is a piece from the twilight of his cinema career, Starfire Mutiny, another post-apocalyptic sci fi, this time with a complete absence of American Cyborgs (boooo.) Joe captains the USS Legacy, a massive cryo ship orbiting a dead Earth, holding the last remnants of humanity in stasis. It's a dull life; a good part of his day to day job is porn distribution (seriously.) But when a band of space pirates show up, led by the world's most low energy white supremacist, things quickly get even more boring and extremely sleazy goddamn this film is dogshit. Reviewers: James Ferris, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Lisa Dib

Longtime Failure to Launch listeners will be familiar with the work of Joe Lara, either as Tarzan in Tarzan in Manhattan or DJ Matt in Danger Island. You’ll also be aware of our undying affection for the man, and his superb list of b-movie credits on IMDB: STEEL FRONTIER. HOLOGRAM MAN. FINAL EQUINOX. VERY MEAN MEN. Despite the fact that these are films, not TV pilots, we at Failure to Launch could not leave these glorious titles unexamined. So, over this Australian summer, we’re submersing ourselves in the waters of Joe Lara’s oeuvre (which, turns out, is full of cyborgs.) First cab off the rank is American Cyborg: Steel Warrior, a post-apocalyptic tale in which Joe, The Man With No Name Who’s Name Is Austin, must save a young woman and her very-dead-looking-fetus-in-a-tube from a killer cyborg with a killer moustache. It’s everything you’d hope it to be; cheap, ambitious, produced by the guys who did Superman IV and Over The Top (the Stallone film about arm wrestling), and it has Joe Lara! Get listening.

In this week's episode of Failure to Launch we follow undercover agent Delilah (Kim Cattrall, Sex in the City) working with Billy Zane (Billy Zane, BILLY FUCKING ZANE) to take down a weapon smuggling crime boss from the inside. But when her cover is blown, a deadly game of cat and mou... nope, nevermind, they kill her straight away. Delilah is brought back to life with a science montage and turned into a crime fighting machine (literally). As Delilah and BILLY ZANE (Billy Zane!) work together to stop a terrorist getting his hands on a nuclear weapon, the sparks fly (literally) as the bad guys wilt under Delilah's (literally) steely gaze and massive structural damage (literally). Did we mention Billy Zane is in this? Running Delilah - IMDB Running Delilah - Wiki Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone Soundboard: David Shaw

1979 was the perfect time to cash in on the Star Wars craze, so what better way than to make the Beverly Hillbillies in the Mos Eisley Cantina. We follow the Mcallisters getting through breakfast, a singer desperate for a job, a talent agent who can't get no respect, a megalomaniacal Billionaire intent on buying up all the apple pies, a pair of very sexual Scottish robots and a black guy punching a really big egg. This may be one of the most insane shows we've ever seen. So get yourself some apple pie, a nice warm glass of merk (yes, merk), and relax to our screams of confusion. It's a doozy. IMDB - Starstruck Den of Geek - Interview with Starstruck VFX Artist Chuck Cirino Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: David Shaw

This week’s Failure to Launch sees the return of a horse of course. Of course, if you’re making a show about a talking horse, of course that horse will be a family-friendly lovable horse, unless of course that horse is Mr. Ed. Fearing that the concept may be a bit dated for modern audiences, Fox cast George Jefferson himself (or at least Sherman Hemsley), to transform Mr. Ed from a talking horse into a straight-talking horse. Apparently in 2004, we really wanted Mr. Ed to be edgy. If you’ve ever thought; “If only Mr. Ed was a misogynistic homophobe that spoke endlessly about his sex-life and fifteen year-old girls”, then you have some serious issues that need resolving, but this is also the perfect show for you. Because for the next 19 minutes, this is exactly what we get. Meanwhile, Wilbur Pope, has a problem (well he has many problems but we’ll get to those later); his fifteen year-old daughter has gone to a club and vomited, so naturally, he upends his entire family from New York and moves them to the kidnapping capital of the world, Granite Falls, where he plans to run a legal practice out of his barn. But if you think this sounds like the actions of a desperate father spiraling out of control, you would be wrong! Because apparently that horse that’s just wandered into his law-barn is talking to him, and he’s going to stop Wilbur from getting pushed around. Within minutes of meeting Wilbur, Ed becomes obsessed with preventing Wilbur’s daughter from having sex. While we may never know why he is so heavily invested in this, we do know that he is definitely willing to maim a teenage boy over it. It’s probably fair to say this version of Mr. Ed isn’t the horse we all know and love, but you have to understand it was 2004, and audiences just expected horses to hate teenagers, hippies, and women. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, David Shaw Soundboard: Lisa Dib

This week’s Failure to Launch journeys NOT to the center of the Earth, but just a bit under it to The Inner World, a land of miniature sets, puppet Space Manta Rays and liberal Yetis. After his uncle Harlech’s attempt to get to this Inner World fails (spectacularly, if also predictably), Captain Chris Turner assembles a crew of generic TV sci-fi types, the world’s most English Englishman and one really angry bloke and sets off after him. At least, we think for him. They’re also after the supposed treasures of the Inner World, which include new food sources, limitless energy and space age technology, all of which their ship already has oh fuck this thing is a glorious mess just listen we’ll do our best to explain. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: David Shaw

This week’s episode sees the return of Failure to Launches most divisive star, Jessica Simpson, in a 2004 pilot built on one simple fact of life; Beautiful women will instantly turn any male into a desperate blabbering idiot and any woman into a raging ball of jealousy. We meet Holly and Joe, two snobbish, intellectually elitist journalists - who we’re supposed to love I think? - who are forced to work with the kind-hearted, yet dumb as a post singer Jessica Sampson. Cruel sniping and hilarious workplace sexual harassment ensues. And although the show might occasionally get a little un-pc, in the end it pulls together for a heartfelt message that all young women, nay all people can rally behind; Ladies, if you want a man to like you (and we know that every single one of you thinks about nothing but that at all hours of the day) then don’t talk to him, let him get to know the real you and use that mouth for smiling. Not talking. Boys hate that. So join us as we become frequently distracted from the barely existent story to focus on more important issues. Such as, the conduct of Russian McDonalds employees, whether Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift right for each other and the funniest way to mispronounce hippopotamus.   Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, David Shaw, Lisa Dib Soundboard: Harry Brimage IMDB - Jessica New York Times article on Jessica's failure

Portrayed by Norman Bates himself, the great Anthony Perkins absolutely nails this surprisingly ok three camera sitcom. We follow Elizabeth (Anthony's new wife) as she tries to adjust to life with the Stracks and living in the shadow of a massive portrait of Anthony's deceased wife. When Elizabeth takes down the painting and unleashes Anthony's ex wife's spirit it's up to Anthony to look dead into the camera and make puns with the speed and determination of a serial killer. We absolutely loved this bizzare Adams family meets Married with children-esque show and we're sure you will too. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: David Shaw

Guests Michael Williams and Sarah Baggs (of Pop Quiz Hot Shot and It’s A Duck Blur fame) join us to ask the question: Is the new Benedict Cumberbatch movie the true live action Dr. Strange, or does it need more boring lasers, villainous poops and guys called Wong who definitely aren’t servants? When the aforementioned evil poo sends Morgan le Fay to Earth on a mission to kill the Sorcerer Supreme, it’s up to Dr Strange to try to get laid and kinda hope that lines up with stopping le Fay. This makes sense, because this was made in 1978 - the hair is 70s, the special effects are 70s, the racism/sexism is 70s etc. This is maybe the most 70s thing we’ve watched. Either way, before you go see the new Dr Strange, give this a listen first. Nothing improves a film like lowered expectations. You’re welcome. Reviewers: James Ferris, Michael Williams, Sarah Baggs & Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry IMDB - Dr. Strange Wiki - Dr. Strange

Ever wondered what it would be like to run a circus? Chartered Accountant Mac Galpin hadn’t, but that didn’t prevent him from ‘accidentally’ buying one, deciding to run it rather than on-selling the assets and forcing his family to join him on this foolhardy quest, as pre-2000s TV dads were want to do. This is the premise of Sawdust, another pilot from the late-80s CBS Summer Playhouse (oh, how we love you, you bottomless shitbarrel.) That said, it’s less about circus administration and more about… unionised workforces versus the ruling class? I think? Also, there’s a sexy gorilla at one point. There’s a lot going on, and not much going on at the same time. This is the paradox of bad television, and Sawdust does not disappoint. Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry