Dare To Love Podcast

Have you ever heard the saying, “Couples who play together, stay together”?  In our experience working with couples and singles for many years, there is definitely truth to this saying.  We’ve found that people who play are healthier and more fulfilled in life in general. Couples that play and laugh together have fewer fights. Couples who play and have fun are often more relaxed and creative in bed! Singles that play are happier, more fulfilled and more likely to create connections with others.  Play is a way to connect beyond words. Play, fun and laughter is a common language we all share.  On the flipside, play and “chill time” is the first thing to go out the window when we get stressed.  Can you relate to that? When you're stressed and maxed out, do you turn to play or is that the last thing on your mind?  We talk to a lot of couples and individuals who during the elevated stress and challenges of Covid times simply forget about playing and relaxing. And it takes a toll. As an example, I’ve been coaching two different couples recently. Both couples have similar circumstances. Both couples consist of two full-time working-from-home adults, and both couples have two young children who needs full-time care and both families are stuck inside their houses due to Covid and West Coast wild fires. It’s a challenging time for all of them, to say the least.  One of these couples is doing pretty great. Despite the elevated stress and huge demands on their time, they work together as a team and make sure to stay in communication and stay in love.  The other couple is spiraling downwards in anger, stress, arguing and lack of alignment. They’re barely keeping it together.  There are of course a lot of factors impacting this situation, too many to cover here. But one of the crucial elements of the first couple’s success is that they still find time to play and relax, while the other couple doesn’t manage to find the time or space to play. Which means they never get a break from the stress and disconnection, which in turn wears them down.  For that reason alone, it’s even more essential to find times and ways to play when you’re stressed.  Check our blog post for a long list of practical simple ideas for having fun and relaxing: https://loveworkssolution.com/blog/having-fun-in-relationship About LoveWorks:The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating.  LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles.  The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more.  LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time.  * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution * Get free relationship tips and advice on on topics such as toxic relationships, building trust in a relationship, creating intimacy in a relationship, how to deal with an emotionally unavailable partner, and many more on https://loveworkssolution.com/

What do you do if you’re getting married but at the same time scared to get married?    I remember we once coached a young couple who came to us 4-5 months prior to their already scheduled wedding. They came to us because she in particular was getting very cold feet about getting married. They both still had questions they felt weren’t answered and issues they were worried about getting worse if they did go through with the marriage.    If that’s you, here’s the first thing we’d tell you: Don’t feel bad if you’re feeling scared or having concerns. Getting married is a big deal, so don’t make up that there’s something wrong with you, your spouse-to-be or your relationship.    In fact, having “second thoughts”, i.e. some form of fear or concerns can lead to important discoveries that can end up improving your upcoming marriage (or in some cases, stopping you from getting married to a partner who’s not the best match for you).    So for starters, examine what exactly you’re scared of or concerned about. Is it about …     - Marriage itself (the whole idea of marriage)? - Hesitation about your partner or your partner’s personality? - Unspoken concerns about your partner’s behaviors- Concerns about breakdown’s you’ve had in the past, or unresolved issues? - Or something else?    Whatever your specific concerns are, you want to take a look at those.    Commitment is great and admirable, but it’s also worth listening to your fears and hesitations before you commit. To this day, Sonika & I have an operating agreement that we don’t move forward with any significant changes in our lives before we’re both on the same page about it. Getting married definitely falls into the category of “significant changes”, so take the time to examine this.    Another perspective on commitment is that you’re not just committing to your future spouse, but to yourself and your own ability to deal with what comes up. You’re in effect saying to yourself, “I trust that I and we will be able to handle any conflict and difficulty that shows up on in our relationship and our life”.   If for some reason, you’re not ready to make that commitment, you want to know why.    To get more specific, ask yourself this question:    “What would I need to see change - with my partner, myself and/or our relationship - for me to enthusiastically say YES to marriage?”   For example, some of the couples we’ve coached answered this question like this …    - I need us to work out our financial agreements and how we deal with money- We need to figure out how to deal with conflicts- I need to speak up about my partner’s withdrawal - We love each other, but our sex life isn’t working well … we need to talk about that    Each of your answers to this question will be an item on your to-look-at-list. Once you have that list, reach out to us for coaching, or use a friend or trusted mentor if you need more help. Whatever you do, don’t just ignore your concerns and blow right past them.   Having fears and concerns about getting married is just like any other fear or concern that will show up in your marriage? As a couple, how would you like to see you deal with conflicts, fears, and concerns? Do you want you to ignore them and not say anything? Or do you want to have a relationship where you can safely share your concerns and help each other find solutions and peace of mind?    I’m guessing the latter. And that process starts right now, not after your tie the knot.   PS. If what you need to work includes making apologies for past breakdowns, check out our mini-workshop for couples, How To Make An Apology That Works: https://loveworkssolution.com/how-to-make-an-apology-that-works   

What do you do when your wife or husband tells you they want a divorce?    Given that divorce rates in the US are still between 40-50 % for first marriages, and higher still for  second and third ones, If we get married at any point in our lives, there’s pretty much a 50-50 chance we’ll hear those words from our spouse.  Perhaps you’ve seen it coming.   Perhaps you’ve seen and experienced the telltale signs of a marriage breaking down for years, such as arguing, criticism, contempt, silent treatment, lack of intimacy, declining frequency of sex, or the feeling of being room mates who go about your day-to-day business efficiently but without the depth and romance of lovers.    On the other hand, you might not have seen it coming at all, and when your wife or husband told you they want a divorce, it hit you like a knife in the heart and you could scarcely believe your own ears.    Either way, it’s a painful place to be and what you and your partner choose to do with that situation will have long-lasting consequences that will impact both of you and any children you have.    In this episode, we’re not trying to cover every aspect of impending divorce. It’s a process that requires careful attention and competent guidance. We do want to share some useful insight and tips that will hopefully help you as you move forward.    When your spouse says the D-word, you can’t yet know where the process is going to end. It’s natural that you’ll be very eager, even desperate, to answer all the associated questions such as, are we going to divorce or make it; how are we going to tell the kids; where are the kids going to live and go to school; who gets the house; how am I going to deal with finances; what about the retirement accounts, and many more.    If you were surprised by your wife or husband  declaring they want a divorce, remember that they have a long time to think and process before saying something to you. It’s as if they have a month or year-long head start over you in the process. So it’s natural and totally understandable if you too are going to need some time to process the news.    Listen to she 7-minute episode for the rest of the tips (or watch the video version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZO4VuhREvc   One of the central tips in this video is to offer/share apologies with your wife or partner. Saying "I'm sorry" is never sufficient, sometimes even worse than nothing.    To learn a complete 6-step apology, visit our virtual mini-workshop for couples, How To Make An Apology That Works, here: https://loveworkssolution.com/how-to-make-an-apology-that-works   

One of the questions we often hear from singles is “How do I say no to a second date?” You might have been there. You’ve been on a first date with someone. Maybe it was nice enough, maybe not. The person you were dating really wants a second date, but you’re not so sure about that. Or maybe you’re absolutely sure you DON’T want a second date, you’re just sure how to say it. What’s nice about you asking How to say no to a second date, is that it demonstrates that you care. You probably know that lots of people don’t care about that at all and just move right along or ghost their partner. Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of that? So good for you for caring enough to ask this question. We always figure it’s worth acting towards your dates as you would like your dates to act towards you, and that goes whether or not you want to see that person again. In our work, we consider even a coffee date a relationship, albeit a very short one. Even a short relationship is an opportunity for you to show up as the kind of person you would like to be in relationship. Every date, every relationship, brief or long lasting, is practice for your next relationship. I still remember the first time I used what we’re about to suggest to you. I’d been on a date with a nice woman, but afterwards I did not want to go on a second date. The truth was I was interested in someone else, and I didn’t want to be dating two people at the same time. So I called her up (this was before messaging and dating apps, we actually met in a bar). I was nervous and expecting a triggered reaction, but she surprised me by thanking me for calling her and telling her this. She said no one had ever done that before. I, in turn, was grateful for her kind response to my phone call. We had a nice chat and that was that. We both left feeling good. Best of all, I felt free and clear to pursue the date I was interested in. So here’s what we recommend you say when you want to say no to a second date. You can of course modify as you please but try it out. You start with an appreciation, then you say that you’re not inspired to set up another date, but you’ll let him or her know if that changes. For example, what I said on the phone was, “Thanks for a really nice time, I enjoyed getting to meet you. I’m not inspired to set up more dates for now” If you like, you can add, “but I’ll absolutely let you know if that changes”. There was more small talk around the edges, but this is the essence of it. Appreciate and acknowledge the other person and/or their good intent, then say no thanks. Simple, direct, and kind. Try it out and see how it goes.   If you'd like an opportunity to connect with other conscious singles, you might like our 75-minute mini-workshop, Singles Connecting in Corona Times. We set up a safe, facilitated space for you get to connect with other singles in a fun and meaningful way. Learn more here: https://loveworkssolution.com/singles-connecting-in-corona-times

How do you get anger in a relationship under control? That's a very big topic. In this short episode, we’re giving you a few important pieces of background about anger plus one simple tip to use when you or your partner get angry. If anger turns to abuse or violence, get help immediately. Relationships don’t get angry, people do. But relationships suffer from the impacts of people’s anger. Simmering anger, yelling, cursing, muttering under the breath … over time this creates an environment of fear and distrust. I can still remember the feeling I had a kid when my dad was angry. Even if he was outside, and I was inside, I still could feel it, afraid of what might happen if it got worse. Sometimes anger seems to stem from a direct source, FX you got angry because your partner called you a derogatory name, or I get angry because my body breaks down so I can’t do what I want to do. Sometimes anger is a habitual response to any form of discomfort. FX, you might notice, as has been true about me, that you get angry when you feel scared, sad, hurt or insecure. I’ve talked to a lot of men who, like me, have learned that anger is a more acceptable feeling to display than sadness or fear or insecurity, so without thinking we overlay these other feelings with anger. To those around a person like that, it simply seems to them that he angry all the time, because his habitual response to any sort of discomfort or uncertainty is anger. Whatever the apparent source of anger, it can almost always be boiled down to one simple thing: A person gets angry when there’s something they want that they’re not getting, or that they think they can’t get. An angry person is almost always thinking, consciously or unconsciously, to themselves, “I’m not gonna get what I want … I never get what I want”. Think about it … Listen to the whole episode to get the rest (or watch the video version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGVpbe52df0)   Of course, anger and hurt in relationship are to be expected. That’s why we designed a 90-minute mini-workshop for couples to address that very topic. It’s called How To Stay In Love, Even When You Get Hurt Or Angry. In this workshop, you’ll experience and learn … Deep connection with your partner Insight into what has you feel love, loving, loved Ideas for how to recreate that in-love feeling A powerful process for finding love in anger Concrete practices for how to stay in love It’s designed for you to be able to do in one morning and then get on with your day. Learn more here: https://loveworkssolution.com/how-to-stay-in-love/

During my years of relationship coaching, I can’t tell you how many men have said something like this to me: “If only I had a bullet point list of what do do to make her happy”.   In this 4-minute videos, I’ll give you just that, a bullet list with 6 points for what to do to make your wife or partner happy. Of course, you have to actually DO it to ever find out if it works, and not just once, but as an ongoing practice of relating.   With no further ado, we’re jumping right in.   #1 Engage in the relationship.   We men have a tendency to think that once we’ve gotten into a relationship, or once we’ve gotten married, we’re done. In the back our minds, we say, “Mission accomplished” to ourselves and give our attention to the next accomplishment. Nothing could be further from the truth, and the attitude of “I’m done” is responsible for countless love stories turning from sizzling hot to lukewarm to ice cold.   When there’s a kerfuffle, a conflicts, or some sort of tension and upset, don’t back away or shut down. Instead, engage. Step in, even though your natural instinct might very well be to get the heck out of there. Engage and participate actively, both in the fun and sexy parts of the relationship, as well as the tedious or tense ones.   #2 Connect. Talk. Share.   One simple way to accomplish “connection” is to talk. Share about yourself, your day, how you feel, what you dream of, and what you’re afraid of. When she asks you how your day was or how you’re doing, answer in more than one word. To this day, I still sometimes have to remind myself of this, because it is so ingrained in me to just say, “Fine. Great. I’m good”, or another one-or-two syllable response.   It’s not that I’m trying to withhold information, it’s just that to my practical brain, “Fine” is a satisfying answer to “How are you doing?”   But it does not produce a sense of connection for my wife. Connection is produced by the back-and-forth passing of something, in this case words. it’s like going out to throw a baseball with a friend. Imagine you throw it to your friend, he catches it, and then just keeps the ball. Boring game, right? To have a game, you have to keep throwing the ball between you. Same with connection and conversation with your wife.    #3 Listen. Without taking stuff personally. Listen to the whole episode (approx. 4 minutes) to get the rest of the tips (or watch the video version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYzlAjRjIsQ)   And if you want to make her REALLY happy, take a small initiative that pertains directly to your relationship (per #1: Engage in the relationship). Invite her to join you for our upcoming 90-minute mini-workshop, How To Stay In Love. It’s super easy, you do it from your couch or kitchen table. Takes the same time as a standard movie, so you still have your whole weekend. Some of what you will learn and experience: Deep connection with your partner Insight into what has you feel love, loving, loved Ideas for how to recreate that in-love feeling A powerful process for finding love in anger Concrete practices for how to stay in love https://loveworkssolution.com/how-to-stay-in-love/

How to make your husband happy ... in 4 simple steps you can listen to in 3 minutes! How often do spouses wonder how to make their partner happy? Do you ever wonder how to make your husband happy? Does it sometimes seem that what you’re doing must not be working, because he doesn’t seem all that happy? (Next week, we’ll publish a post about making your wife happy) Making your husband happy is one of those instances that often seem difficult, but at its essence is quite simple. I’ll give you a brief 4-point list for how to make him happy. Don’t take my word for; try it out and see what happens. I use all four as a permanent part of my marriage and I have a very happy husband (editor’s note: Christian here, she’s telling the truth:-) Without further ado, here we go: #1 Tell him he's a good man! I have seen countless men burst into tears when they finally get to hear this from their  wife/partner. Men are working so hard to make us happy and to do the right thing, so when they get to hear “You’re a good man”, it touches them deeply. #2 Give him points for effort. Giving points for effort means to appreciate him for what he does do, instead of pointing out all the things he doesn’t do. It means to give appreciation even when he makes a gesture that doesn’t turn out the way you wanted it to. Give appreciation for trying. Many men have a strong internal critic, so whenever they hear even a tiny bit of criticism from you, it’s as if it invalidates everything they did do, and they end up feeling inadequate and unappreciated. The more you appreciate your husband for what he does do, the more it inspired him to want to do more, give more, because men are motivated by the reward of appreciation and the result of you being happy. Appreciation is more effective than criticism, only 100% of the time! #3 Respect his choices How often does your husband do something you simply don’t get? Where you might be shaking your head? It’s crucial to realize that everything he does makes sense from his point of view. There is a reason for everything he does, even if you don’t understand or approve of that reason. At the very least, when he make a choice you don’t understand, get curious about his motivations, ask him about it instead of condemning it. #4 Share your physical affection and appreciation When we lead our sex workshops, one of things that surprises and touches me every time is how poetic, loving and spiritual men become when they talk about what sex and physical affection gives them. In stark contrast to the stereotype that men only want sex to “get off” or that they just want you for your body, they will describe how profoundly it touches and resets them when they get to share sex and touch with you. So when we say yes to sex and touch, it fills them up in ways we might never understand. Plus, it feels good to us when we make love too; to get in our bodies and enjoy our sensual connection. Of course, this doesn’t mean you are somehow obligated, but say yes whenever you can. I do, and I appreciate it every time I do. That’s it for now … if you take on these 4 simple steps you will definitely see results in terms of a happier husband. Let me know how it goes for you.

If you have the experience that your husband/BF/partner doesn’t value you, you probably feel hurt, angry, sad, or all of them in combination. Feeling unvalued impacts your own self esteem and spills over into the quality of your entire relationship, and you might be questioning yourself, the future of your relationship, and whether there’s something wrong with your partner, your relationship, or yourself. Feeling unvalued by your partner can show up in a myriad of ways. Perhaps he … Doesn’t listen to you Doesn’t tell the truthDoesn’t prioritize youGives you the silent treatmentWithdrawsOffers little or no connection and communicationGives romantic or sexual attention to other peopleBelittles you, uses demeaning comments Doesn’t spend time with you and/or your familySpeaks poorly of you in publicIgnores or doesn’t honor your boundariesDoesn’t include your opinions and concernsOffers little or no appreciation, affection, or loving gestures. And that’s not an exhaustive list. If this describes you and how you feel about your partner, what can you do? Our first tendency when we’re not getting what we want in relationship, is to get the other person to change their behavior. In this case, you might find yourself criticizing and nagging at him way more than you like, in an attempt to get the message across that you want something to change. When we’re unhappy with our partners, we often come at them with lists of rules for how they should behave. Whereas it’s perfectly understandable that you want his behavior to change, this approach will not give you what you want. Even if you’re 100% right about your complaints and all your friends agree with you. If that approach worked, all we needed to do to have perfect partners was to tell them exactly what they’re doing wrong and how they should behave, and we’d be done. Listen to the full episode (or watch the video version here: https://youtu.be/-EOXgPZmAu0)    Check out our newest virtual mini-workshop, How To Stay In Love:  We love to feel in love. But anger and hurt can take us out of love. How do we stay in love? What keeps us in that in love state? How can we get back to love when angry?  In this mini-workshop, uncover what produces that “in-love” feeling, and discover how to get back to love when hurt or angry. Some of what you will learn and experience: Deep connection with your partner Insight into what has you feel love, loving, loved Ideas for how to recreate that in-love feeling A powerful process for finding love in anger Concrete practices for how to stay in love More info and register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-stay-in-love/    

10 Signs of a Toxic Relationship Have you ever found yourself in the kind of relationship where you’re asking, “Am I in a toxic relationship?” or “Is this relationship really good for me?” Toxic relationships are often complicated by being combined with a powerful attraction. We've had clients who one day are desperate to get out of an abusive situation, but the next day can't wait to get back to their partner. It becomes like an addictive behavior where the "drug" of choice is the strong love/attraction you also feel. Dr. Lilian Glass said back in 1995 that a toxic relationship is “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.” There are other definitions of toxic relationships, but the most important thing is that you can recognize if your relationship is one that’s not healthy for you, and then to empower you to do something about it. We’ll offer 10 signs of a toxic relationship, plus some actions you can take to change your dynamic if you are in a relationship like this. Mind you, you don’t have to be in a relationship that can be classified as “toxic” in order for you to want to make serious changes. Whenever you feel unhappy, lonely, scared, or bored in your relationship, it’s worth getting some education and support. #1 Physical abuse, pain, or violenceThis one doesn’t have a lot of wiggle room. If you’re experiencing physical violence, pain, or abuse in any shape or form, it’s a toxic situation, and you should get out. Or at the very least get help. No one deserves to be physically harmed in their relationship, period. #2 Name calling, belittling, demeaningDo you feel like an “emotional punching bag” in your relationship? Are you being put down, belittled, constantly criticized? Which leads directly into #3 … #3 Public humiliation, spreading of negative gossip about you#2 above pertains to your private relationship and communication. #3 is outward-facing behavior. Does your partner humility you in front of friends or family? Spreads negative stories about you behind your back? Listen to the episode to hear the rest of the signs of a toxic relationship (or watch the video version here: https://youtu.be/wo6o9mmS-R8)    About LoveWorks:The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating. LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles. The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more. LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time. * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution * Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

If you have the experience that your husband/BF/partner doesn’t value you, you probably feel hurt, angry, sad, or all of them in combination. Feeling unvalued impacts your own self esteem and spills over into the quality of your entire relationship, and you might be questioning yourself, the future of your relationship, and whether there’s something wrong with your partner, your relationship, or yourself. Feeling unvalued by your partner can show up in a myriad of ways. Perhaps he … Doesn’t listen to you Doesn’t tell the truth Doesn’t prioritize you Gives you the silent treatment Withdraws Offers little or no connection and communication Gives romantic or sexual attention to other people Belittles you, uses demeaning comments Doesn’t spend time with you and/or your family Speaks poorly of you in public Ignores or doesn’t honor your boundaries Doesn’t include your opinions and concerns Offers little or no appreciation, affection, or loving gestures.   And that’s not an exhaustive list. If this describes you and how you feel about your partner, what can you do? Our first tendency when we’re not getting what we want in relationship, is to get the other person to change their behavior. In this case, you might find yourself criticizing and nagging at him way more than you like, in an attempt to get the message across that you want something to change. When we’re unhappy with our partners, we often come at them with lists of rules for how they should behave. Whereas it’s perfectly understandable that you want his behavior to change, this approach will not give you what you want. Even if you’re 100% right about your complaints and all your friends agree with you. If that approach worked, all we needed to do to have perfect partners was to tell them exactly what they’re doing wrong and how they should behave, and we’d be done. Listen to the full episode to get more background and the rest of the tips. (or watch the video version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wR_rlDudeY)    About LoveWorks: The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating. LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles. The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more. LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time. * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution * Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

My wife doesn't respect me! What I am going to do about that? This is a refrain we often hear from husbands. Obviously, we would all hope that our partners would treat us with kindness and respect, but sometimes that’s not the dynamic we have established. If we were talking directly to your wife, we’d be giving her her own coaching, but assuming we’re talking to you, the husband, we’ll focus on what you have some control over, namely your own behavior and how you communicate with her. Not being respected can show up for you in a myriad of different ways. You might experience that she … - Belittles you - Emasculates you - Puts you down - Nags - Criticizes - Withholds affection, touch, love, sex - Doesn’t appreciate you - Doesn’t acknowledge the things you do do - Questions your choices - Doesn’t trust you - Talks down about you to other people - Tries to control or micro-manage you Or perhaps it’s something else for you? When you have the experience that your wife doesn't respect you, there's her responsibility in that situation, and there’s your responsibility. It’s not all on her, nor is it all on you. It’s a co-created dynamic. When we coach couples, we help each person take their share of ownership. As mentioned above, we’ll focus on what you can do to change this dynamic and in effect encourage her to respect and appreciate you more. For starters, look at what she’s judging you for. What is she criticizing you for? Then, take an honest look at yourself and ask, What’s the grain of truth in what she’s saying about me? Notice, we say “a grain of truth”, i.e. it’s not the full story about you. Next thing to focus on … Listen to the episode to get all the tips.

Is he the one? Is she the one? When you’re a single person, that’s a really big, important question. As it turns out, sometimes it’s too big. I still remember from all my single years how much that question was on my mind, even haunted me. The search to find “The One” is exhilarating and full of so much hope. But sometimes, like for me, the “quest” also caused a good deal of anxiety and when I went dating, I did that thing so many singles have tried on dates: Meeting someone and instantly passing judgment as the whether the person in front of me was “The One” or not (they never were). I kinda wish someone had shown me this podcast back then. In this episode, we’ll offer you important tips for what to pay attention to in order to answer that question, Is he/she the one? The first thing to do to make your own journey more enjoyable is to make it ok that the “big question” just sits there, unanswered, for a while. No one can put a timeline on finding the love of your love, and if you add a deadline of your own, you’re likely to also add a bunch of stress and pressure. So see if you can relax into the uncertainty. Tell yourself it might take a while, and that’s ok, because you’re going to have a good time as you go. For Sonika & I, it took over two years before we could answer the question, before we knew for sure we wanted to commit and be together. We couldn’t have done it any faster, and during that process, we paid attention to all the factors we’re sharing with you below. Second and equally important, throw out the whole notion of “The One”. We know that might sound like odd and contrary advice, but think about it. The idea that among 8 billion people there is one and only one person for you is just not very likely. Instead of looking for “The One”, look for someone who’s a great fit for you, someone you can make a wonderful relationship with. Thinking there is only one just puts more pressure on yourself to find a needle in a global haystack. Some of what we recommend you pay attention to (listen to the episode for full details): * Attraction and chemistry * Are you attracted to them emotionally? * Do you feel intellectually stimulated? * Trust. Do you feel you can trust this person? * Personal growth. Is this someone who is committed to growing? * Do you feel free to express yourself? * Can you handle and resolve conflicts? * How about their quirks and issues. * What are their other relationships like? * Do you feel safe? Do you feel comfortable? Do you feel trusting? Do you have that sense of being "home"? * Notice if you frequently have the sense that something is not “quite right"? * Practice telling the truth Use all your dating experiences as an opportunity to practice being in relationship, practice showing up as the best version of yourself, as the kind of person you would like to one day find!  During Corona times, we are providing a safe, fun, facilitated space for singles to connect with other singles. Check out our next upcoming Singles Connecting in Corona Times, 75-min free mini-workshop here: https://loveworksforyou.com/singles-connecting-in-corona-times     

How Personal Stress Affects Our Relationship.  It’s no surprise that personal stress spills over into our relationships, and to all other aspects of our lives. Stress tends to be contagious, too, so that one partner’s stress “transfers” to the other partner and sometimes kids. Even in the best of circumstances, there’s a lot of stuff one can be stressed about. Just making a living, minding a job or business, raising a family and dealing with the myriad responsibilities of modern life can raise anyone’s blood pressure. Personal stress can show up in many ways and have many side effects. Here are some of them … One or both partners withdraws We disappear into ourselves We quit communicating One person shuts out the other We become alienated and disconnected from each other We might become less affectionate, distracted, superficial We obsess about the things that stress us We get more sensitive and take things more personally Negative behaviors become more visible We’re less able to stop ourselves from reacting We get more irritable, hostile which leads to more fighting We have shorter fuses We tend to vent, we got less filters, we say stupid stuff that creates more problems We get depleted, tired, fatigued. We can’t think as clearly, we make more mistakes And there are probably more (we didn’t even mention the physical health consequences of stress, which are legion!) So what can we do about this? We share 5 tips, including lots of practical ideas.  If you want and additional opportunity to de-stress and work together, check out the 90-min. mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we help you: * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements  We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.    

When you have the experience of your partner being emotionally unavailable, you're probably feeling that you're not being "met", that you're not being heard, that you can't get your messages across, or that he/she is always trying to fix you when you try to share something. You might find your partner aloof, stonewalling, or defensive. Or any combination of these. It's natural that you want to be more connected, more in communion, with your partner. It’s important to understand that there are inherent differences between men and women, between personality types, and between … just people! We all have a different way of feeling, accessing and expressing our emotions. For instance, we worked with a couple where the woman was vivacious, talkative, charismatic, and the man was stoic, unmoving, and only talked sparingly. She loved asking him questions, and he hated being asked questions. It’s easy to assume that she’s emotionally available and he’s not. But it’s not that simple. When we took the time to create the right space, he too shared profound insights and emotions. Some people cry at movies, some don’t, but remember “emotionally unavailable" doesn't (necessarily) mean they don't feel or have emotions. If you have the experience of someone being emotionally unavailable, and they feel judged by you, all that’s going to produce is have them clam up even more. For starters, what you can do is accept differences and get curious about what those differences might be. Ask questions in a mood of curiosity. Ask you partner, “What happens for you when you watch that movie?” or “What happens for you when so-and-so happens in our family …?” Some people have much quicker access to how they feel. Like Sonika and me, for instance. it seems to me she’s always in touch with how she feels at any given moment, but I often have to stop and “think” about how I feel; I have to tune in in order to know how I feel. From her point of view, it might seem as if I’m not feeling anything, but I just need time to access my feelings. A great tip is when you ask a question, let the person explore for a little bit, give them some time. On the flip side, if you're the "unavailable" one, add a little more detail than you normally would. Instead of just answering, “Great!” when she asks how my day was, I can elaborate a bit and add, “I did have an interesting experience with John at work …”. This breeds emotional connection. Ask yourself, if there isn't a lot of talking, do you assume it's disconnection? Another way to think about this, is to join your partner in the silence, and to enjoy the connection inside silence. That’s a different kind of emotional availability, beyond words. When you’re with an emotionally unavailable partner, it’s easy to have all of your attention is on what your partner is not doing, what they’re not saying. You try to get your partner to be more vulnerable and available. Instead, try turning it around and ask yourself, How can I be more vulnerable? How can I be more emotionally available? Because often, when you’re busy trying to get your partner to be more available and in touch with their feelings, you’re not in touch with yours. When you can get more in touch with your own emotions, and share that with your partner from an open, vulnerable place, you invite your partner into your world, which invites your partner to share more deeply. Granted, there are different degrees of emotional unavailability. Most often, the tools and tips we’re sharing here can help, but if your partner (or you) are completely stonewalling, refusing to engage, you might need a different level of intervention. You can reach out to us for private coaching or talk to a local coach/therapist. In relationship, we have a tendency to talk more “about” our problems, or “about” our emotions, but the more we talk “about” it, the further we get away from the connection we’re longing for. Instead of talking "about", turn it around to explore what am I feeling? How can I be more vulnerable here? How can I be more curious about you? That creates a space for us to "drop in" to, a place of connection and feeling, the place we’re wanting in the first place. Finally, look for any place where your partner does reach out, where they do share, and where they do connect. Then, once you see those places, appreciate your partner for it. Thank them for where they DO connect with you. That way, you find some small pieces of what you want, and you make them bigger. If you want to improve you and your partner's emotional connection, here’s a great opportunity to practice: We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you: * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements  We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.

How To Communicate About Relationship Issues. The most common issue couples present to us is Communication (or lack thereof). It is one thing to communicate about logistics and practicalities such as who goes shopping, who makes food, who picks up the kids, and when. It's quite another to try and communicate about touchy issues, such as our different preferences or personalities. In this episode, we share 4 tools to improve your communication. All too often, our first communication is about what our partner is doing that we don't like or find irritating. Basically our default, go-to strategy when we want something to change in our partner's behavior, is we tell them about it. We point it out to them, so hopefully they'll get the message and change. The problem with this strategy is it always ends up sounding like complaining and criticizing to our partner, who then get's defensive, silent, or complains right back. #1 Shift your complaints to requests When I say to my partner, "You're not listening to me!" or, "You don't respect me", I'm hoping it will result in her changing to now listen to me and respect me. But when someone tells you, ""You don't listen to me!", do you want to listen more or less? Yeah, less. And you might want to add, "I do listen" (defensive), or "You're not exactly the best listener yourself!" (complaining back). It is much more useful to go directly for what you want, bypassing the complaint altogether. So you shift your complaint to a direct request instead: > Would you be willing to listen to me for five minutes? > Would you be willing to tell me something you respect about me? Go directly what is wanted, namely listening and a sense of respect.   #2 Express appreciations to your partner every day It has been shown that the more appreciations and the less complaining we have, the better our chances of keeping our relationship strong and stay together. Plus, appreciations are to humans what water and sun are to plants. We need it to not wither inside. Appreciation is the perfect antidote to complaining because in order for me to appreciate something about my partner, I have to shift my attention onto something I like, something I love, something that IS working in my relationship. Find something your partner did today, or some quality about them that you like, and say it out loud. "Thanks for making breakfast today" "Thanks for doing the shopping, that was really nice" "Thanks for being so responsible with our kids" "I love how you make people laugh" Anything will. We've kept up a routine for over ten years now. Before we go to sleep, we share at least three appreciations of the other person. Try it out!    #3 Talk about your own experience You've probably heard the recommendation to speak in I-statements. It's much easier for your partner to hear you saying, "I feel scared when we argue" as opposed to "You're always arguing with me!". Sharing your own experience makes communication a lot safer. We call it the "un-arguable truth". No one can argue that I feel scared. But you can - and probably will - argue if I say, "All your yelling is making me scared!".   #4 Expand to include This is a central notion in the LoveWorks Solution. I expand my understanding and mindset to be big enough to include yours. In disagreements, we often think only one of us is right, can be right, but in truth, it’s possible that we’re both right. Expand to include the differences in opinions and styles. If I love cilantro and you hate it (that's Sonika and me:-), there's no point in me arguing that you should love it too. Instead, I expand to include your point of view. If you want to improve your ability to get on the same page, here’s a great opportunity to practice: We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you: * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements  We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.

Can You Rebuild Trust In A Relationship? When trust is broken in a relationship, it can cause a lot of harm. If trust is broken repeatedly over time, sometimes years, it becomes very difficult to repair and stay together. Whether trust can be rebuilt depends on the situation, and the way in which trust was broken. If you are willing to ... Own what happened and take responsibility Learn from it Change behaviors Apologize Making new commitments backed by action. Then you have very good chances of repairing trust and healing, even growing, from what happened (and if not, it becomes very difficult to repair trust and stay together). In order to rebuild trust in a relationship, some important steps to take are ... Get really specific about where trust was broken. It's a different situation if your partner showed up 5 minutes late to an appointment or emptied your retirement account and ran off with a lover. Both could be characterized as "broken trust", but obviously not the same. Instead of stating a general, "I don't trust you!", get specific. Is it that you don't trust your partner to be with the kids? Or to shop for the right ingredients for dinner? Or to be faithful? Getting specific makes it easier to repair trust, and it also makes it easier for the person who broke the trust to do something about it. For the person who broke the trust, the first "something" to do is to go through a complete apologies process. Just saying, "I'm sorry" just doesn't get the job done. A complete apologies process involves steps such as ownership of the behavior, demonstrating to your partner that you understand the impact of your actions, making amends to repair the damage, making new promises, and of course, keeping said promises. If trust has been broken repeatedly over time, or the breach was severe, repairing trust is process over and extended period of time, not a one-time apologies process. It takes many new promises that are repeatedly and reliable backed by action to heal from breaches of trust. It takes the ability to clean up when you fall short of your promises. In the process of repairing trust, make sure you acknowledge and speak out loud your appreciations for the efforts and progress made. If my partner had been lying to me, but now I see real demonstration of him or her being truthful, I make sure to say, "Thank you so much for telling me that, I really appreciate it". Repairing trust takes willingness from both parties. Even if your partner was the one to break trust, it also takes willingness from you to learn and grow from what happened, and willingness to let go of what happened (with proper apologies and new actions from your partner). Final word, breaches of trust, betrayals, affairs, lying, etc. are difficult to deal with in a relationship. It brings up all manner of feelings and the hurt can run really deep. So get help! The faster the better. Call coaches like us, use a local therapist or a trusted friend. But don't just stew with it on your own, that doesn't help anyone. One of the ways you can support your relationship to have strong trust, is by having solid communication skills. And one of the best ways to do that is to enhance your understanding when there's something you disagree on.  We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you: * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements  We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.  

A lot of couples are in VERY close quarters during Coronavirus (Covid-19) times. Whereas during "normal" times couples need to carve out time together, during shelter-in-place it's a bigger challenge getting time apart. Actually, that's our first tip for keeping your intimacy alive while in such close quarters. Relationships need to "breathe", that is to have time together and time apart, time together and time apart. We need both. It's a common recipe for resentment when we use our spouse as our only social and physical "fueling station". It puts too much pressure on our partner and on the relationship. There are many ways to take time and space for yourself in ways that nourish and replenish you. #1 Take time and space for yourself Take a walk on your own Hang out with your friends online separately Nourish your soul, body, mind by doing sports, exercises, nature walks, meditation, painting, building ... whatever does it for you. #2 Grow, learn, expand, and step outside your comfort zone. It might sound like peculiar advice for keeping your intimacy alive to keep growing and learning. But growing yourself as a person is "hot", it gives you new material to bring into conversations and it keeps you on your toes. You can even ramp it up and use each other as a sort of accountability partner. For example, you might state a commitment to your partner like, "By this Friday, I'll have read chapter 1+2 in my coaching book and completed the homework that goes with it" (this is Sonika's current commitment). Then give progress reports as you go along and talk about what you learned. This keeps your mind fresh, your curiosity open, and helps you avoid the very common trap of stagnation. #3 Carve out time to focus on your relationship Even if you're completely overbooked and corona has given you a boatload of extra responsibilities, it's still essential that you find time to focus on your relationship. If all you can do half an hour a week, great, do that, but do it with focus and gusto. Do things like ... Ask each other Intimacy Questions Do vulnerable heart shares Use Repeated Questions to take you deeper Make eye contact Hold hands while on a walk Chase each other for fun Play games and make each other laugh Make love Take a relationship class To that last point, we have an opportunity for you.  We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you: * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.

How to make marriage fun again! Anyone else feel like "Groundhog Day" in your marriage these days? Other than stuff we find on our screens, there's a whole lot less diversion and adventure while we're waiting out the corona restrictions. As couples, we need to find ways to laugh together. Even under "normal" circumstances life is hard and at times completely absurd, so we need a good dose of humor to make it through. Couples often forget to have fun. Not cuz we don't want to, but because we get sucked into the myriad responsibilities we all have and we often simply get out of the habit of laughing, enjoying life and each other, and just plain old having fun. They say that couples who play together, stay together. Whether that's true or not, it's definitely true that couples who play together ... well, play together! They just have more fun, period. Even in the confines of our houses there are lots of fun options to make your marriage fun again. You can watch this episode as a YouTube video here ... (see a hilarious fail at 01:23). For extra credits ...  We created a brand-new, 90-min virtual mini-workshop for couples, How To Replace Complaints And Criticism With Constructive Communication. Imagine how much more fun you'd have if you could replace criticism with good communication!  In this mini-workshop, we'll help you: * Stop the cycle of complaining * Talk to your partner when you/they get upset * Find compassion in disagreements * Relieve tension and stress * Learn techniques to de-escalate during arguments * Use productive communication tools * Get back to connection Check it out and register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-replace-complaints-and-criticism-with-constructive-communication 

Date Night Ideas for Married Couples. Date night is always a good idea. With the increased "ground hog day" feeling many of us are having during Coronavirus (Covid-19) times, coming up with date ideas can be a really great romantic break from the humdrum. But we're probably not going out, so we need home based date night ideas. For date nights, we recommend one of you be accountable for the night. That just makes it more likely to happen in the first place. Plus, it might help come up with new ideas if you take turns being "on point" for the night. On the podcast, we share 9 great ideas, with lots of suggestions for each point. There are classics such as Candle light (Zoom) dinner and bubble baths (don't scoff at the classics - they still work:-) but with added twists of intimacy questions and more. Then the ideas turn more sensual such as pleasure sessions. See for yourself. For intimacy questions to ask your partner, download our free ebook here: https://loveworksforyou.com/100-questions   If you want to improve your ability to get on the same page, here’s a great opportunity to practice:   We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you:   * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection   Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements    About LoveWorks: The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating.   LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles.   The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more.   LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of combined experience coaching and educating about relationships.   They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time.   * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution    * Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

And how to communicate with your partner when you disagree.  In relationship, it can be a real challenge to stay on the same team during Coronavirus times. When your partner has a different understanding of how to observe safety precautions than you do, and you both have strong feelings about the matter, you can quickly become adversaries instead of allies. You become two teams of one, instead of one team of the two of you.   Here are some ideas for how you stay on the same team (these are great relationship tools in ALL times).   #1 Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.   No matter how outrageous your partner’s ideas seem to you, we guarantee you he or she is trying to accomplish something positive. Just like you are. In marriage or committed relationship, we operate on the foundation that your needs are as important as mine; not more, but also not less. So in order for me to be happy, I have to not only get my way, but also ensure you get what you want. Otherwise I might get what I want, but I have an unhappy partner.   #2 Expand to include   This is a central notion in the LoveWorks Solution. I expand my understanding and mindset to be big enough to include yours. In disagreements, we often think only one of us is right, can be right, but in truth, it’s possible that we’re both right. Expand to include the idea that your partner has a good idea, as do you. It’s about being a big enough person to hold more than one viewpoint without getting combative.   #3 Speak in "We"   Any argument is pretty much a series of “me vs you” statements. “I want this but you want that”; “I think this but you think that”. That vast majority of times, there’s a lot more overlap to our desires than meets the eye; you just have to be able to see it. Begin to speak more as “We”, instead of only “me or you”. When you “expand to include” more than one viewpoint, you can include each others’ desires and needs into “We” … a powerful way to get yourself on the same team.   #4 Give first, give fast   When relationships break down, in pretty much any form, one or both partners have stoped giving. In the early phase of your relationship, when you were still madly in love, remember how much attention, praise, time, touch, love, hugs, and sex you gave each other? Now think about a stressful time in your relationship - perhaps now? - and see if you are giving less? Probably so. One of the most effective ways to restore love, and to get back to being a team, is to pick up giving. We say whoever gives first, wins. Give first, give fast. Don’t wait for the other person to start.   #5 Explore how to create a win-win   In order to find solutions that work for both of you, you need to slow down the process. If you just plow ahead with your practiced behaviors and patterns, you’ll like just repeat whatever you’ve done in the past. We are firm believers in your ability to come up with win-win solutions. The four tips above are part of the foundation for successful “trouble shooting” and resolution.   If you want to improve your ability to get on the same page, here’s a great opportunity to practice:   We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you:   * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection   Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements    About LoveWorks: The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating.   LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles.   The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more.   LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of combined experience coaching and educating about relationships.   They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time.   * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution    * Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/      

During Coronavirus (Covid-19), many more relationships have turned into long distance relationships. If you're not sheltering in place with your partner, you could be living in the same town, but still effectively have a long distance relationship. We had a very-long-distance relationship for over 2 years. Christian is from Denmark and Sonika lived in California, so it was a 9 hour time difference, 11 hour flight and 8500 miles that separated us. So we know a bit about making long distance relationships intimate. We recommend focusing on 4 different areas, and in the video we give you ideas for each of these 4: 1. Intimate communication 2. Touch points 3. Moment-by-moment relating 4. Getting creative When you're in a long distance relationship, you definitely need to get creative. There are so many things you can't do that you would naturally do in physical proximity, such as touching each other, leaning on each other, running an idea by your partner, relaxing together, cooking together, making love together, and many more. And conflicts and disagreements can be really tricky. Because of the restrictions and challenges of the Coronavirus (Covid-19) there is so much extra stress, fear, and tension in our relationships. This stress takes a real toll on us as individuals and on our marriage or relationship, when really, we need to be connected and in sync more than ever. We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you: * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements  We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.

What kinds of questions to ask your partner to get to know him or her in a deeper way? When you've been together with someone for a while, maybe even several decades, it's easy to lose your sense of curiosity and assume you know everything there is to know about that person. You might even begin to take your spouse or partner for granted, and when that happens, boredom and emotional flat-lining sets in. One of the best ways to get to know your partner again is to ask them certain questions, in a mood of wonder and curiosity. We share three categories of questions you can ask to get to know your spouse or partner better, and for each category, we give examples of specific questions you can use. The three categories are: 1. Deepening questions 2. Intimacy questions 3. Understanding questions (or curiosity questions). The first two categories are super effective in building intimacy and trust in a relationship, quickly. The last category, Understanding Questions, is extremely important to avoid triggers and upsets when you see your partner doing or saying things you don't like or understand. Because of the restrictions and challenges of the Coronavirus (Covid-19) there is so much extra stress, fear, and tension in our relationships. This stress takes a real toll on us as individuals and on our marriage or relationship, when really, we need to be connected and in sync more than ever. We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you: * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements  We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.

During Coronavirus (Covid-19) times, a lot of people are finding themselves working at home. It can be really challenging when you got two people working and living in the same house, perhaps with kids or family too. Here are 5 Tips for How to Survive Working From Home With Your Spouse: 1. Compartmentalize workspaces 2. Create time apart (relationships need to breathe) 3. Nourish your soul, body, and mind during your alone time 4. Designate who is where, and when 5. Express appreciation and gratitude. Right now, there is so much extra stress, fear, and tension due to the Coronavirus and the impact it has on our personal lives, careers, finances, and relationships. This stress takes a real toll on our relationships, when really, we need to be connected and in sync more than ever. We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you: * Find understanding * Relieve tension and stress * Discover common ground between each other * Get on the same page * Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict * Get back to connection Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements/  We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too. About LoveWorks: The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating. LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles. The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more. LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time. * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution * Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/  

During the social distancing we’re all finding ourselves in, it’s essential that we find ways to grow in our relationship. We’ll share 3 ways to grow together, plus some suggestion for how to make it practical. #1: Define what “growing” means to you. What do we want to create in the next 6-8 weeks. #2: Deepen your intimacy. A great way to do this is to ask Intimacy Questions. Download our free ebook, 100 Intimacy Questions here: https://loveworksforyou.com/100-questions #3: Appreciations. Speak out loud your appreciations to your partner. Tell your partner what you like about them and why. Sonika & I like to do (at least) 3 appreciations of each other before bed.   The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating. LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles. The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more. LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time. * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution * Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

There’s a lot to disagree about in quarantine times. Which rules and recommendations do we follow? How do we interpret them? When we disagree, there’s always a deeper motivation. We share a simple method to discover your deeper motivation. A common example is blended families where kids go back and forth between houses. In one house, the kids have to take all their clothes off and shower as soon as they enter the house, but in the other house, they don’t. Or in house it’s ok to take walks in the neighborhood, but in the other house, the kids have to stay in the house at all times. Couples and families end up arguing about how to best interpret the rules and recommendations, and given the generally heightened level of stress, these disagreements can add significantly to the stress and disconnection we feel. Behind our preferences and interpretations are always a deeper motivation than meets the eye. When someone says, “In my house, everyone strips before they enter the house”, they have a deeper motivation. When you can discover the deeper motivation, you find that you’re not as far apart from your “opponents” as you think, maybe even on the same page. Plus, discovering the deeper motivation makes it ten times easier to find common ground and practical solutions. We share an easy tool for how to discover these deeper motivations … the So-That Tool.   The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating. LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles. The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more. LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time. * Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more practical relationship advice. * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution * Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

Do you get what you want and need in your relationship? If not, you’re probably not using this highly effective “ninja” tool of communication. To get what you want, this is a must-use technique, and it’s soooo simple.  Normally, how we know we want something to change, is when we feel bad or irritated. Being in the same house and your partner (almost) all the time now, you get irritated about all kinds of stuff. And when you get upset or irriated, what do you do? You tell your partner. You say stuff like, "Why can't you leave me alone!" "Do you have to clean up my stuff every time I turn around?" (example from our house:) "Why are you on the phone all the time!?" "You're so annoying right now!" Add your own examples ...  Does that get you what you want? Nope! But what's great about the stuff you get irritated about is they have a direct link to what you want, and when you use the tool we teach in this video, you're very likely to get it. Try it out!   The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating. LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles. The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more. LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time. * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution * Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

The questions you ask determines whether you feel panicked or inspired. The questions you ask can help your mind - and your relationship - go in a powerful direction or a terrible direction. What questions to ask? DON'T ask questions like: - Will this never end?- Why can't you just ..... (do it my way, get it right, get your s*** together, connect, etc.)? - What's your problem? - What's wrong with you/me/our relationship? DO ask questions like: - What's one important thing am I going to achieve today?- How can I best contribute to my spouse/family/team today?- How can I maximize my energy level throughout the day?- What one special thing can I do for my spouse today?- What will I do today that will push my boundaries and make me grow?- Who can I contribute to or uplift today?- What is one self-care activity I can do today?- What is one soul-nourishing just-for-fun activity I can engage in today?- What is one risk I can take today?- What is something new that I have never done before that I could do todaY?- What is one thing I can do today to help me grow or learn something new?- How can I show up more in my life today?- If I trusted that the truth would be a contribution to our growth and empowerment, and ultimately bring us closer today, what would I reveal?- If it wasn't an option to walk away from this conflict or challenge, how would I use it to step more into my Full Potential? The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating. LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles. The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more. LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time. * Catch the live broadcast on our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution * Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

In Corona times, do you go to proactive “Warrior” response, passive “wait and see” response, or something else? How do you deal with your partner's response? Plus good tips from a couple doing their work #loveinthetimeofcorona #relationshipinthetimeofcorono #couplesinquarantine The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating. LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles. The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more. LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time. * Catch the Facebook Live's from our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution * Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

There are a lot of different ways we can deal with the Corona threat. And because individuals have different ideas about the right way to do it, it’s easy to get triggered when our partners or family members have a different idea about the “right way”. Here’s one step to take to deal with your triggers. #loveinthetimeofcorona #relationshipinthetimeofcorono #couplesinquarantine.   About The LoveWorks Solution and the founders, Sonika & Christian: The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating. LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles. The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more. LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time. * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution * Get the free ebook, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

When fear takes a hold us, it has immediate impact on our own state of mind and the quality of our relationships#loveinthetimeofcorona #relationshipinthetimeofcorona #couplesinquarantine. Here are several tips for how to deal with your fear better, such as: - Find the positive, productive intent of your fear- Fear is "poor use of the imagination"- Look at what's the more "like outcome" - Don't take your own fear out on your partner   About The LoveWorks Solution and the founders, Sonika & Christian: The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating. LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles.   The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more. LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time. Subscribe to the channel and never miss out: http://www.youtube.com/channel/ UCGAcbqWENJ7Q0nnIh58aUPA?sub_confirmation=1 * Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution * Get the free ebook, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

A man asked us if or how he should see his boyfriend, given the current restrictions. And how DO we stay connected when we can’t get together with our partner or loved ones? We share a hot tip from when we were long-distance relationship (before FaceTime and Zoom:); plus a great idea from a client of ours who found a creative way to "go exclusive".  Catch our next Facebook Live broadcast with more useful corona relationship advice, 1:00 PM PST on our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution

There’s a lot to grieve these days, many losses big and small in our relationships. We lose jobs, income, security, friends, family members, opportunities, and memories we don’t get to make. We share some of our own losses and give an idea for how to be with the grief and loss. Catch our next Facebook Live broadcast with more useful corona relationship advice, 1:00 PM PST on our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution

When relationships are strained, all the stuff that doesn’t work takes up all your mental “bandwidth”. Problems appear bigger and bigger. Our minds go searching for more evidence to prove all our negative stories about ourselves (e.g "I'm unlovable"), about our relationship (e.g. "We never make time for each other"), or the current situation (e.g. "The world is going down!"). But there's a way we can use our mind mechanism to our advantage, to support and strengthen our relationships and ourselves.  Catch our next Facebook Live broadcast with more useful corona relationship advice, 1:00 PM PST on our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution

When you’re stuck at home with kids, it can be truly challenging to take care of everybody - including yourself and your partner -  without losing your s***. As the adults in the house, it is imperative that you stay in a good mind and heart space, because you set the tone for your entire family and household. We give you several good ideas to stay sane and stay connected!  Catch our next Facebook Live broadcast with more useful corona relationship advice, 1:00 PM PST on our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution

It's easy to let the Corona stress get to us and it comes out with our partners or loved ones. We share a quick process for how to keep your mind on a productive track and use these challenging times to create a better future, as a couple and as individuals. Catch our next Facebook Live broadcast with more useful corona relationship advice, 1:00 PM PST on our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution

Yesterday, we talked about how to share our stress and feelings with a partner or friend. Today, we'll give some tips for how to have a bit of fun in our relationship with all the feelings we have inside and all the stuff there is to complain about, plus we share a simple process to deeply share yourself and connect with your partner (or anyone).  Catch our next Facebook Live broadcast with more useful corona relationship advice, 1:00 PM PST on our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution

We have a lot of feelings about the Corona situation; sometimes our feelings are contradictory or just all over the place. We share a great tool for how to express yourself and share what’s going on for you, in a good way that really helps you connect deeper with your partner, kids, or friends. Catch our next Facebook Live broadcast with more useful corona relationship advice, 1:00 PM PST on our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution

Do you hate feeling judged in your relationship? Yeah, you and pretty much everyone else. The judgments we have of one another comes out of our mouths as complaints, criticisms, and accusations. We say things like, OMG, “You’re so stubborn. Why do you always have to micro-manage me? You are totally self-absorbed! Why do you have to be so judgmental?! When we talk to each other like that, we infuse our communication with irritation, anger, and hurt, and not only do we not get what we want in terms of listening, understanding, and harmony; it also sours the mood in our house; it feels bad. On the other hand, theres’ no denying that as humans, we make up judgments. On one hand, that’s a good thing, right? We use our sound and positive judgment to navigate the world, to determine what activities are safe and what we should avoid, and to make judgments about what we value and what we don’t. So try as we might to be non-judgmental, these brains of ours are judgment machines. But what are good ways to use our judgments, to build connection and understanding instead of distance and irrigation. Try this quick experiment … think of a judgment you have about your partner or someone else? Do it now … To get the full podcast and finish the experiment, listen to the podcast, or find the blog post here ...    

As a child, when I didn’t understand something my father was saying, he would simply say it again louder. If I still didn’t “hear him” the second or third time, he would continue to increase both his volume and enunciation of the same phrase over and over again to the point of yelling, which only culminated in his exasperation and me bursting into tears. Can you identify with my dad? Ever feel frustrated or angry because your partner or kid or boss doe         sn’t hear you? For some people, not feeling heard is a big trigger point and sore spot in their relationship. Conversations can easily escalate to the point of yelling or even violence if people feel misunderstood and not heard. Feeling heard is an essential part of the two-way communication process. One person speaks, or delivers a message non-verbally, and the other person deciphers that communication in the form of listening and receiving. Hearing is an important part of the communication bridge in relationship that makes connection and the coordination of action possible. If we miss the communication, if we don’t “hear” what the other person is trying to convey, we fall off that bridge of connection. In extreme instances, miscommunications like these can be life threatening. But even if the misunderstanding is about something as mundane as whose job is it to do dishes, while not actually life threatening, we can still feel as if we are going to explode if the other person doesn’t get our side of things. What are we actually going for when we want to be heard? And why is it such a big deal when we don’t have that experience? Below, I’ll share some of the reasons why being heard is important, I’ll give examples from coaching sessions, and finally, I’ll share how this is useful in your relationships. Agreement For some of us, being heard means we will get what we want. We believe that the experience of being heard will result in the other person seeing our side of things, agreeing with us, and that will increase the likelihood that we will get what we want. I remember having a heated conversation with our son in his teens, when he was trying to talk Christian and I into having a drug/drinking pool party at our house without adults on the premises. We were not willing to budge on our decision, and even though I was hearing my son and repeating back his well-intentioned points, he insisted I wasn’t hearing him because we weren’t changing our minds. He was confusing hearing with agreeing.  Call to Action For some of us, being heard means you get my words and the call to action behind my words. In the example above, my dad was confusing me not understanding what he was saying with me not being able to hear his words. He spoke to me like I was someone who was hard of hearing or didn’t speak or understand English. But it wasn't because I wasn’t hearing his words. It was the meaning behind his words that I couldn’t hear or make sense of, which hindered my ability to take the action he was requesting of me. When he asked me to get him a wrench, for example, and I had no idea what a wrench was. Him yelling louder about it didn’t change anything about my understanding or ability to fulfill his call for action. In order for us to hear a request that requires a response or action on our part, it helps if the speaker is direct with their requests. However, in the world of relationship, we are often indirect in our communications. For example, if I say, “the garbage is overflowing”, I am likely to not feel heard if you take what I said as an informational report rather than as a request: “Will you take out the garbage?” Feeling Known A man recently sent us this in an email … “I feel as a man that being heard is a real issue. I grew up not trusting anyone with my innermost secrets and feelings. [Despite my] really working on and making efforts to be accountable, honest and open, I don’t feel heard in my relationship. Seems to me my wife wants me to "talk" and "share feelings" and "be open" so long as it fits her agenda or ideals. This just sends me back to the point where I feel "sharing" is not worth it.”   For many of us, sharing and being heard is a way for us to know ourselves, and to experience feeling known by others. When we put our internal experience on “loud speaker” and are able to freely explore our thoughts, feelings, values, dreams, desires and inner workings, we come to accept and know ourselves more deeply.  When someone hears our ruminations with curiosity and interest, without judgment or interruption, we feel known, seen, witnessed. We feel close to the listener. We feel less alone in our separate existence and experience. Not only that, but we are more inclined to want to continue sharing ourselves if we are received and heard when we do. Meaning I witnessed a coaching session last week that was deeply moving. The coach listened to his client talk about her mixed feelings about moving from New York back to Italy, her country of origin, after several years in the states. She spoke of herself as a risk taker, highlighted her successes, and spent most of the time talking about the challenging logistics of moving. When the coach reflected back what he had heard, he added having heard her underlying fear and concern of looking like a failure to her family at returning home. She was deeply affected by his reflections, seeing the truth of his words. He had listened not just to her words, but to the deeper fears behind her story. A client of ours was complaining about her husband’s preoccupation with work. His long hours at work meant less time at home and she was fed up with having to do everything herself. Instead of reacting defensively to her criticisms, with our help, he was able to listen “underneath” her complaint to her loving desire for more time together. Instead of hearing her disapproval, he was able to hear her loving call to connect with the man she loved. This allowed him to lean into creating more connecting time with his wife and family at home.  Validation Sometimes what we want in our quest to be heard is validation and affirmation for who we are. We want to know that we are okay, that we are loved, and that we matter. When you hear my words, respond to my requests, meet my needs, mirror back my deepest feelings, I get to feel like I am important in your eyes. Your acceptance of me helps me accept myself. Your love for me helps me love myself more.  One of the best definitions I once heard of love is, “Love is granting space for something or someone to exist.” When you hear and allow what I say without resistance or judgment, it is like you are allowing me to exist in your acceptance of my communication. In this way, you could say that hearing me is one of the deepest expressions of love you can offer. Being Right Recently, I coached a couple that was stuck in negative stories about each other. She was afraid he was withholding secrets from her and wanted access to his phone. He felt micromanaged and didn’t want to give her access to his phone to avoid feeling powerless. In each case, their listening of each other was shaped by their own fears and negative stories. Every time she shared her fears, he heard, “I want to micro-manage you!” Every time he moved to protect his autonomy, she heard, “I am withholding secrets from you!” They couldn’t hear their mate’s underlying fears: “I am afraid to lose you if you talk to your ex” and “I am afraid of your rejection if I do something that scares you.” They were too busy fighting to be right about the other person being micromanaging or withholding. Sometimes our communications are attempting to prove our innocence and goodness. If I can just get you to hear that the reason I didn’t make dinner was because I took care of the cat, then you will quit judging me as wrong and bad for not keeping my agreement to cook. Once you hear me, I will get to be right about not making dinner as promised.  How Can We Use This? There are many different experiences and results we are after when we are going for being heard. The most important thing we can do to help ourselves feel heard in relationship is to first explore what we are after. Do we want to be known? Do we want to be right? Do we want to get our way about something? Do we want someone to act? Do we want something to change? The next thing we can remember is that we human beings are closed biological systems with our own interpretations and understanding of things. If feel that you’re not hearing me, maybe there is something going on in you that is preventing you from hearing me. Maybe you have an old negative story about me that has you interpret what I am saying as criticism versus a compliment? Or maybe you have a different definition of “helping around the house” than I do and what’s required is more exploration Or maybe I am not being clear about my intention in sharing, and I can rephrase what I am saying in a way that produces my desired result and outcome. Instead of launching into a complaint about us not having sex anymore, which might have you rebuff me, I can slow things down and share how much I miss connecting with you in this really special loving way. Instead of complaining about how you are never home, I can make a direct request, “Would you be willing to come home early on Wednesday so we can have a date together, just you and me?” If you find that clarifying your intentions and making clear requests before going for getting heard doesn’t work, get support from an experienced coach or therapist to help you bridge the gap. One couple who always fought when she wanted to share something she was triggered about and he disappeared to work in the yard as fast as possible, were able to understand each other’s differing responses to stress with the help of our coaching. Now, when she wants to “talk”, he hears her desire to connect, and when he disappears to work in the yard, she hears his desire to avoid criticism and be a good man in her eyes. This different understanding has helped them be less reactive and they are better able to hear each other as a result. Your desire to be heard is a good thing. Use it to bring you closer to all the good things you long for. “Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals.” L.J. Isham    

Valentine's Gift for you today: a free Communication Challenge, only takes five minutes a day for a week. Happy Valentine’s Day! V-day is a day where we can have many different experiences. Some of us don’t even care about it that much. I used be pretty cynical about it, brushing it off as just another consumer fest. At this point, I have to admit I have a softer heart for it (doesn’t hurt that it’s Sonika and my wedding anniversary:) For some, V-day is a great day of romance and going the extra mile for our relationship, while for others it’s a day of grieving because it’s a reminder of love lost and relationships past. Either way, we encourage to use V-day as an “excuse” to have elevated awareness of sharing expressions of love. For your partner, your children, your friends, and not least yourself. In the podcast I give a few ideas for how to do that, and share about a women who recently lost a relationship and how she is making V-day special, loving, and nourishing. Finally, we’d like to give you a Valentine’s gift today. Drumroll, please ….. it’s the free Communication Challenge! All you need is five minutes a day for a week, and it’s totally free. The challenge is designed to be fun and easy while also challenging you to go a bit deeper in your communication that you normally would. If you have any relationship experience - and we all do! - you know how much poor communication ruins our love and intimacy. It's the #1 problem we hear from couples and singles when they come to us for support and coaching. Improving your communication IS improving your connection, intimacy, and romance. That's why we put this fun challenge together.  Join the free challenge here …

Whether you receive or reject someone's invitations, will literally make or break your relationship! Anyone who’s been around children knows how much they enjoy showing their creations. They’ll make a drawing and bring it to mom or dad and say, “Look!” As the adult, in that moment, we face a relationship-building or relationship-breaking decision. Choosing the former, we might say to the child, “That’s wonderful, thanks for showing me”. But if we choose the latter, we might say, “I don’t have time for that! It doesn’t even look like anything, it’s just scribbles!” When we go with the first option, the kid feels validated and encouraged and will typically return to playing. With the latter option, the kid will feel deflated, rejected, and hurt, like she just received a verbal slap across the face. Adults are no different. We too want someone to see our creations. We want someone to see us. What the child did is called “making a bid”. It’s an offer to share something, to show something. What the adult did is either accepting or rejecting the bid. I first heard this term from Dr. John Gottman’s research into what makes some relationships succeed and some fail. From Dr. Gottman’s website ... “In his research, Dr. Gottman observed that happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during everyday, non-conflict discussions. In a newlywed study, newlyweds who were still married six years after their wedding had turned towards each other 86% of the time while in the lab. Those who were divorced six years later, however, had only turned towards each other 33% of the time.” Turning towards means you accept someone’s bid. Turning away means you ignore or reject it. As adults in relationship, we make a lot of bids of our partners or prospective partners. Some of these bids we make consciously. “Wanna go to a movie?” “Can I get your phone number?” “Will you spend time with me?” are all examples of bids we make deliberately. And then we make lots of bids embedded in everyday conversations. “Look what I found on Facebook!” “Did you see that?” “We sure haven’t had sex for a long time”. On a deeper level, making a bid is an invitation for someone I care about to step into my world, sometimes for just a moment. In that way, we are all still like kids showing off our drawings in the hopes that someone will say, “Wow, you did really well with that”. When someone receives our bid, we feel validated and witnessed and it gives a little jolt of “I matter”; which is a powerful antidote to the negative sound tracks many of us have running in our minds. When someone rejects our bids, we feel a little “ouch” inside. If our bids are rejected with force, like “I don’t have time for your nonsense!” it can really sting. And what do we tend to do when we feel stung? We counter-attack, get defensive, or withdraw, all of which contributes to the pollution of our intimate environment. If our bids keep getting rejected, we might eventually stop making them altogether. For example, a couple who’s stopped having sex and intimacy is a couple where lots of bids got rejected over time (and/or the bids weren’t skillfully made, but that’s material for another article), eventually one or both partners stopped making bids. As Dr. Gottman’s research suggest, accepting or rejecting your partner’s bids will quite literally make or break your marriage or relationship. Once you know these concepts, it’s easy to recognize, both in your own relationship and in observing others. Want to be a “relationship scientist” and make a prediction about the quality or stability of someone’s relationship? Watch if the partners reject or receive each other’s bids. The studies quoted above are about married couples, but making bids is just as relevant for singles. The dating process is essentially one long string of bids that either get received or rejected. Sending someone a message is a bid. When you reply to a message sent to you, you accepted someone’s bid. Asking for a phone number or a coffee meeting is a bid. You might even say swiping right is a sort of indirect bid that you hope will be received. We talk to so many singles who get fatigued or guarded because they feel discarded and rejected, without anyone ever really receiving their bids. In LoveWorks, we are big proponents of receiving bids with grace and kindness. For one, it’s effective communication and relationship behavior, it secures loving stability; it just works. Secondly, when someone makes a bid, that person is taking a risk, putting themselves out there in a somewhat vulnerable position, just like the kid showing off her drawing. Making a bid inherently makes us open to rejection, and we generally think that should be rewarded kindly. However, that doesn't mean you have to say yes to what is asked of you. Yes, you can receive a bid kindly and still say no to the request. Say someone asks for your phone number, but you don’t want to give it. You receive the bid first by saying, “Thanks for asking for my number, I’m honored you would ask”. Then, you can give your reply, by saying something like, “I’m not prepared to share my number with you right now (or quite yet); but I’d be willing to take yours”. Point being, first receive with kindness, then give your response. In a recent article I quoted a movie character for sharing her theory that why we get married is so that we have a witness to our lives. In a world of billions of people, what does one life really matter? But in a marriage or committed relationship it’s as if we say to each other, “Your life will not go un-noticed, because I will notice it”. Philosophically, we believe there’s a lot of truth to that theory. Practically, in our day-to-day lives and relationship, this philosophy gets played out by the making and subsequent reception or rejection of bids. Our invitation to you is two-fold: Notice how and where you make bids in your relationship. Do you do it consciously or unconsciously? Do you do it a positive way? (You can make bids negatively. “We never have sex anymore!” sounds like a criticism, but is often a bid for more sex and intimacy). Receive bids with kindness and compassion. Even you can’t say yes to the request, you can still receive the gift of the bid. That goes a long way. Image by Aravind Kumar on Pixabay.     

You know what it means when someone takes stuff personally, because it’s really irritating when’s it’s someone you’re trying to talk to. What you might be less aware of is when you take things personally. Taking things personally happens all day every day for most people in most relationships. In case you’re wondering, “what are you doing when you’re not taking things personally”, here’s what you’re doing: You’re listening. You’re observing. You’re calm. You consciously choose your response to a given input. Taking things personally shows up in a multitude of everyday situation. Some examples … You’re sharing something about yourself or about your day with your partner and he makes it all about himself instead of just listening You go on a date, enjoy yourself, the next day you send  your date a text and you get no response. You immediately think, “I know I didn’t show up very well; I’m not very attractive; I’m too old; I never get a second date” Your boss says, “We really need to shore up our numbers this quarter”, and you immediately think, “I knew she didn’t like me; I’m going to lose my job”. You partner initiates sex, but you’re really not in the mood, and ask for a rain check. Your partner says, “Why don’t you love me anymore?!” That’s your partner taking in personally. Or you might think, “Why am not turned on anymore? What’s wrong with me?” That’s you taking your own lack of desire personally. You want to find a solution to an issue with your partner or someone. Could be about where you live, where you go on vacation, how you earn or spend money, how you have sex, how you raise your children or any other topic. You say, “there’s something I’d like to talk to you about”, and your partner says, “Now what did I do wrong?” Any time you think or say things like, “I don’t deserve it; I’ll never get what I want; no one loves me; I’m not attractive; i’m not successful enough” Those are all versions of taking things personally, that is, you’re making whatever is happening about yourself. Any time your partner or your kid or someone near you gets upset, and you think, “Now what did I do?”, that is, you assume their upset must be because of something you did or didn’t do, that’s you taking it personally. In the podcast, I break down what happens when we take things personally, and what it does to our relationships, plus I share five valuable lessons. Listen to the podcast to get the lessons. PS. I mention the men’s retreat I’m hosting Jan 17-19. Here’s the link: https://loveworksforyou.com/mens-retreat-jan-2020

Masculinity, and why it’s challenging for us men to find our own authentic masculinity. We are caught between several competing strong forces that pull us in different directions. I’ll give examples of how this dilemma shows up in men’s relationships. I have been engaged both professionally and personally with men’s work for over 10 years now. Through that work I have worked with, coached, educated and learned from thousands of men. Once a year, in January, I host a small private men’s retreat, so as I’m gearing up for this retreat I’m putting some extra focus on men and masculinity and men’s relationships. You can find details about the men’s retreat here: https://loveworksforyou.com/mens-retreat-jan-2020 Today, when we hear the word masculinity, it’s mostly in relation to “toxic masculinity”. Toxic masculinity is part of our cultural conversation now (type “toxic” into Google and guess which search term is the first one to show up?) It is a powerful development that toxic masculinity is being talked about so openly now; it’s a human rights victory for women and anyone else who are victims of toxic masculinity that they have some recourse and more options than just suffer in silence, as has been the case for a very long time. It’s also really sad how much we talk about and hear about toxic masculinity, for a couple of reasons: It’s sad because there’s so much to talk about! There are so many incidents of toxic masculinity, every day, in every part of the world.  Abuse, violence, harassment, lying, stealing, cheating, manipulating, threatening, stonewalling, raping, pillaging, and on and on. It’s sad because the whole discussion about toxic masculinity gives masculinity a terrible name, it gives the impression that masculinity is somehow inherently toxic, and nothing could be further from the truth. Masculinity is a beautiful, positive force. I feel sad how much more I hear about toxic masculinity, as opposed to healthy masculinity, generous masculinity, protective masculinity, inspiring masculinity, kind masculinity, innocent masculinity. I personally want to do anything I can to foster more of those kinds of masculinity. I see (at least) five competing forces that influence a man: Innate masculine or biologic forces, such as aggression, sex drive, or assertiveness nnate feminine qualities such as nurturing, empathy, compassion, vulnerability Cultural ideals, such as rugged and self sufficient Another set of cultural ideals, emanated from the women’s liberation movement, such as being more soft, non-dominant, non-threatening, collaborative, agreeable, pacifistic. Higher consciousness, morals, and ethics. It’s really tricky at best, or downright schizophrenic at worst, being a man and trying to deal with these various forces that impact how I show up and how I relate, because it seems no matter what I choose to do or how I choose to show up as a man, one or more of these forces work against me. Listen to the episode for examples of how this shows up for men, and how these forces are confusingly contradictory.    

You and your mate both come home from work. You expect to relax, chill, and reconnect. But somehow, you end up feeling stressed out and arguing!  That is one example of a daily transition going wrong.  Transitions are a “hidden regulator” of our daily quality of relationship and wellbeing. Hidden, because the vast majority of our transitions take place with no conscious thought. Regulator, because the content and quality of our transitions often determine if we feel great or terrible, or if end up connecting deeply with your partner or yelling at them. Every day, we go through many transitions. The first transition of the day is from sleep to being awake. Then there’s another transition in going from your home to your work place. And on and on, all day, until you make your last transition of the day, going to sleep. There are some transitions that commonly result in breakdowns and upset: Coming home from work. By yourself, or reuniting with your mate. Coming home from stressful work environment, and keeping the stress going even though you’re home. Kids coming home from school. Parents often have a different idea what this transition “should” look like than the kids do For blended families, when it’s time for the children to from one house to the other Evening time for couples: Transitioning from busy day/evening to a sensual space of (potential) love making Vacations. Going from “regular” working life to vacation mode Looking at these examples, can you relate to having breakdowns and disconnects during those times? Like, when you think “bedtime” means having sex, but your partner thinks it means sleep? Or when you come home from work, expecting to relax in silence, but your partner can’t wait to talk and do stuff together? Or when you come home from tense or stressful work environment but you can’t the tension go? Or when you and your partner have been loving hanging out with your (step)kids, but now it’s time to send them to their other family? In all these cases, and many more throughout our days and months, we end up with upset, disconnection, and stress because we don’t know how to do transitions consciously. In our intro workshop, we teach a whole host of tools for this purpose. More info here ...  Listen to the podcast for more ideas and insights.

The process of dating and exploring new relationships can be both exhilarating and frustrating, fun and demoralizing. If you’re having fun the process, more power to you. We hear from a lot of singles who are not having fun, and who feel overwhelmed and disillusioned with the entire process. We’ve had people tell us that dating is like having a second full-time job! You don’t have to be a relationship expert to figure out that that is not a good starting point for any new relationship. In this podcast, I'll talk about many different issues singles run into, such as: I can’t find the right partner; it’s like there are no good ones in my town. They’re always incompatible. I never get a second date. Or, they want a second date and I don’t know how to say no. All they want it sex (also see our podcast ep. 39: When To have Sex When You’re Dating). I feel judged and discarded. I feel loneliness and empty. It’s so long between the times i get touch and affection. CPFS - Chronic Profile Fatigue Syndrome  … others’ profiles as well as your own. Dating, Amazon.com style (also see our podcast episode 12) Here are some of the suggestions for how to make dating enjoyable and productive. This is the short bullet list; you might want to listen to the entire episode to get the context and full details. Ease up on “the List” Practice relating. Put yourself in a relationship mindset and act accordingly. Improve your expectations. Quit looking for “the ONE!” Make it meaningful. Go deep fast. Have better intentions that set you up  for victory and connection. Vary your first-date MO. Offer appreciation and validation. Even if you never want to see them again. Treat your date like “The One”. Even if you never want to see them again Rooting for your enjoyable dating experience:)) 

How do you move yourself from feeling like a victim, to a stance of power? One aspect of this process is taking 100% responsibility. But what does that mean, and how do you do it? Taking responsibility often slides right into self-blame, basically being a fancier way of saying, “It was my fault”. That’s not useful. In fact, there are three ways to take responsibility, and using responsibility. The first way has to do with the past. The second way has to do with the present. The third, and perhaps most empowering way to take responsibility, has to do with your future. Listen to the podcast to learn the differences, and how to actually apply it for yourself.

“My partner doesn’t want to work on our relationship!” Have you ever been in that situation? Where you want to, and feel the need to, engage in some sort of relationship work, but you get a “No” from your spouse or partner? Maybe you’ve been the partner who doesn’t want to engage in relationship work? Just in the last few weeks, we’ve heard from 5 couples, where one partner is eager to work on the relationship, and the other partner is either resisting or flat-out unwilling. This if sad because marriages/relationships break up because one or both partners didn’t engage in doing some sort of “relationship work” in time. In coupled relationships, we’re big proponents of not making any significant decision before you get on the same page. But there is one important exception to that rule: When one of you wants to get relationship help, don’t wait till you both agree it’s “bad enough” to get support. Besides, even if you’re happy with the state of your relationship, but your partner isn’t, you now live with an unhappy partner  who isn’t happy. Does that really work for you? Listen to the full podcast for ideas for how you talk to your partner, and how you might understand your partner better.    

Interviewing Susan Bratton, sex advisor to millions of people, and according to herself, “very opinionated” about porn. Curiously, Susan herself produces graphic sexual education materials. Susan is the founder of Personal Life Media which publishes educational materials to make you a better lover. Susan is part of a big, and free, online summit about sexual vitality. Get access to the summit here ... (Sonika and I will definitely be tuning in) On this episode, hear how she distinguishes between degrading porn versus graphic sexual material that’s love-making centered and kind. Some of the other topics in this podcast: How to pornography industry preys on men (and increasingly women, too) Why it’s a shame if couples need porn to get excited about each other When using porn you’re following some else’s agenda, not your own. Everything you need to have an amazing, vibrant sex life is inside of yourself. You can generate hot, connected sex without the use of porn If you’re addicted to porn, you might need to “cold turkey The many different orgasms and kinds of sex play you can explore The effects of porn on relationships Men and masturbation For some couples porn is fine, but for others detrimental And much more … Porn is a big topic with far-reaching impacts, and whereas this episode does not cover all angles and perspectives, we trust you'll find food for thought here.    

“You’re always late!” … How often does being late show up as a source of irritation, frustration, or even major breakdowns in your relationship? Maybe your partner is the one who’s late, maybe it’s you, or maybe it’s your kids or your friends. Either way, someone gets irritated, and someone gets defensive, and arguments ensue. Being late is among the very top complaints we hear from all the couples and singles we talk to. Often, we have two people with completely opposing positions on the matter of timelines and punctuality. To one person, it’s clearcut: If you say you’re doing something at a certain time, you do it at that time or earlier, or you’re late, and being late is disrespectful. But to the other person, it’s simply not an important matter, and why are we even making such a big deal out of nothing. As you’re about to hear, there are lot of perspectives around this recurring issue. If you’re someone with strong opinions or values around this subject, you might even get triggered listening because this reminds you of how your partner never keeps his or her agreements. Make sure to listen to the entire episode, and towards the end of the episode we’ll talk about broken agreements and how to clean them up. In addition, I’ll offer practical tips for what you can do about this. Some of the perspective and tips addressed in the podcast … (as per usual, listen to the podcast for the full content): Agreements. What does being late even mean? And what actually constitutes an agreement? Culture, context, and personality and how they influence your relationship to timeliness. Domain-specificity. Is being on time always important to you, or does it depend on the occasion? Make-ups and meaning. When someone is late, what do you make up about it, and about them? What do you think it means? What you answer to this question, will impact what you do next. Values and preferences. What do you value around time? What’s your preference, and why? Rules around time. What are your made-up rules? Typically, the stuff you put the word “should” in front of. Such as, “people should be on time” Broken agreements. What are the impacts of broken agreements, and how do you clean it up? Requests. How to ask for you what you want around timeliness.   As always, you can reach out to us for coaching or support about your relationships. Email us at clientcare@loveworksforyou.com or call us at 530-878-3893.   Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

“I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing a relationship workshop - it was totally out of the question” A married man who came to several of our workshops with his partner, told us this, and he added, “It wasn’t until a trusted friend told me about it and spoke very highly about it!” And yet, this same man, who according to himself was not the workshopping kind, came back to several more workshops and has now been raving about the results he gained. Both him and his wife have stated that their communication, sex, and partnership are vastly improved, and they have referred several of their friends to our workshops. If it weren’t for a trusted friend, this man would have never experienced a workshop and all the transformation he gained for himself and his relationship, and that’s a shame.  We’ve been leading workshops for decades, and we’ve heard many of the myths or prejudices people have about workshops, so we thought we’d offer you some of the myths we’ve heard, plus our responses to them. Of course, we’ve heard directly from our students how their participation in workshops have profoundly transformed their individual lives and relationships and marriages. Listen to the podcast to hear our full responses to the myths and fears someone might about workshops. Spoiler alert: These myths and fears are just that … myths and fears. Some of the myths and fears about workshops … It’s all hippie antics, people getting naked, kum-ba-ya, touchy-feely stuff. (Actually, our workshops take place in professional hotel conference rooms and everyone’s fully dressed:) You have to air your dirty laundry in public (Actually, you never have to say a word if you don’t want to. Besides, your “dirty laundry” is hardly ever useful to improve your relationships). I’m ashamed to have problems - I should be able to handle it myself. Plus, relationship stuff should stay behind closed doors (Actually, it’s a bygone macho-ideal that you should be able to “go it alone”. Not getting help keeps you small and isolated). It won’t work, won’t make a difference, We’ve done other workshops, didn’t solve our problem. (Actually, there’s no guarantee a workshop or any other learning method will fix everything. Relationship is a process, not a done-overnight one-time endeavor. Besides, even if you haven’t gotten the results you want yet, wouldn’t that be even more reason to keep trying?) It’s a waste of time / don’t want to spend a whole weekend (We’ll freely admit it does take time to do a workshop. Time most of us would have benefitted from doing years ago. When’s the last time you spent a weekend just for you and your relationship? Besides, the time you spent will be returned to you many-fold in time saved arguing and fighting) I’d rather go to therapy. (Therapy can be very useful, and many of our colleagues and clients are fine therapists. But it’s not therapy OR workshops. Best case, try both). I want to, but partner doesn’t (Actually, our workshops are for individuals, singles, couples, anyone with a desire to improve their relationships and have more love in their lives. Even if your partner doesn’t want to come, you still can. Many do). It’ll sort out itself out. (Actually, relationships don’t get better on their own, and no amount of hoping is going to change that. If you’re having relationship trouble, it’s like having a broken ankle and “hoping” it’ll get better by itself. Sure it might heal up somehow, but you’d be a lot better off seeing a doctor). Why do a workshop? It’s a fun and lighthearted way to do deep work on your relationships and yourself. We once had a married couple on the verge of divorce attend. After the first day, the woman exclaimed: “I can’t believe how much fun I’m having working on our marriage!” Getting out of your usual environment. This breaks your habits and patterns and opens the door for transformation. You make your relationship work a fun getaway, and you get to escape the force of your screens and actually connect with you partner or other humans. Learning new skills. An immersion like a two-day workshop is the best way to learn at lot - fast. Because you get to practice on the spot, you retain the new insights and tools much better. It’s a concentrated learning environment and you get a ton of “bang for your buck”, both time and money wise. The power of the “mastermind”. Something happens with groups of people with like intention come together. The “mastermind” is the synergy of everyone’s minds. Everyone gets to tap into a larger wisdom than their own. Plus, in a group, others do your work for you. By watching another person or couple work on their issues, you get to reap the results without doing the actual work. Investing in your relationships. Investing in your relationships is a must for keeping them thriving. You can’t just push the “autopilot” button on your relationship and hope it handles itself. Your investment of time, energy, attention, and money is an investment that keeps paying returns for the rest of your life.   About our workshops, Tania Choi, LMFT, whom we interviewed in episode 38, said after attending our weekends, “I’ve done Gottman, Harville Hendricks’s Imago, Hedy/Yumi’s Encounters in Intimacy, Stan Tatkin, Somatica Couples training, Family Life, New Life and multiple church marriage camps - nothing parallels the life changing, accessible and game-changing tools I learned at LoveWorks.”  Listen to the podcast for full details.  

Powerful tools to shift yourself out of negative states of mind and situations. Positive Reframes are are “mind tricks”, simple changes to your thinking that can change a negative situation or mood to a positive one, often quickly, even instantly. Theses tools can help you when you feel small, powerless, insecure, sad, hopeless, jealous, stuck, or any other negative state.   1. Reframing Definition - When an undesirable behavior or trait or situation is conferred a positive intention: reconsidering things in a positive, more empowering light. For example, when you say to yourself, "Ugh, I have to go to work", you produce a sinking feeling inside. You assume the role of a victim; as if someone ordered you to do something you don't want to do, but you have to. Like being a kid and having your mom or dad order you to clean up your room. If you reframe this statement to "I get to go to work", you not only produce a more uplifting feeling inside, but you also declare that you are choosing to go to work. You might even appreciate the fact that you have work, and appreciate the fact that your work helps you put food on your table, pay for your entertainment, and much more. In short, a simple shift of a few words in your mind can produce a vastly different experience and outlook for you.  Other examples: I have to  ➤ I get to Shoulds ➤ Coulds Make/Force/Effort  ➤ Allow/Invite  Problem ➤ Opportunity Permanent ➤ Temporary Always ➤ Sometimes  Slow/Stuck/Impatience ➤ Making Progress Controlling ➤ Pro-active Planner Endings ➤ New Beginnings Problem ➤ Gift Me or You ➤ Us/We    2. Size Matters Make yourself bigger in your mind when standing next to someone you feel inferior to or less confident around. In your imagination, blow yourself up to equal or slightly bigger than equal to this person or situation. This will equalize your relationship with this person or situation,  restore your sense of power and value, and positively influence your behaviors and actions. 3. Position Yourself When jealous or insecure or feeling left out, you are imagining yourself on the outside. In your mind, put yourself in the center. Instead of your friends being together and you are on the outside, picture you and your friends all together on the inside. Instead of picturing your partner and your ex together with you on the outside, picture you and your partner together with the ex on the outside. This will reaffirm your position, re-establish your connection, and restore your sense of belonging.  Listen to the podcast for the full story.