Kimchi Talk

Life is an experience, a felt experience as the meditation teacher Tara Brach would say.  Whether you're experiencing something that's worth savouring or going through the valley of the shadow of death, my hope is that you stay present in your moment. Easier said than done, when you have to "stay in the suck".  I am learning to understand life from a cubist's mindset; differing perspectives forming the whole.  It doesn't necessarily make sense, nor is it easy to understand, however, such is life.   I am slowly learning to be present within the "good" and the "bad" moments of my  life.  Learning the middle way, to experience but not to attach. Easier said than done. 

Dealing with my mental health is far more complex and variable than I had imagined.  Psychedelics and therapy were the magic formula for tackling my childhood trauma.  I still deal with depression, but it's more of a maintenance thing now.  Psychedelics were for me a surgery I needed to remove the depression tumor.  Even still, I know that I can easily relapse into a deep depression if I don't maintain a healthy baseline by eating whole foods, exercising and meditating.  Whatever normal means, it's incredibly difficult for me to achieve it.  I knew I struggled more than most to get through my day-to-day.  Having mini panic attacks before going to work became draining, but I've dealt with it as best as could.  I thought it was a mini-depression episode but I've never thought about any other conditions, until I did.  Welcome to the wonderful world of ADHD.  In this podcast, I wanted to share about my experience of my diagnosis and  treatment.   This is not medical advice, nor a recommendation for any treatment.  ADHD is a medical condition and should be treated as such. I simply wanted to share what I've witnessed,  think of it as a diary of a lab rat. 

In this episode of our Kimchi Talk, James and I commiserate over the current geo-political climate.  I'm not sure if we're living through the end times, but it  feels like it some days.  It  doesn't help that there is so much white noise of current events we receive through social media.  I wonder what the long-term repercussions will be to our mental well-being. I feel the stress of living through a pandemic, civil disintegration, inflation, climate change and a possible invasion by aliens.  I know you may have as well. Perhaps, our extra-terrestrial visitors can reset this version fo the matrix we are living in.  

A childhood with a lot of emotional deficit, may lead you to develop survival coping mechanisms that may not serve you in adulthood.   Our environment shapes us, more than we'd like to admit. Addictions may be virtuous, if they have societal merits (say, being a workaholic). My addictions certainly do not.  This is even more interesting if we understand that both pain and pleasure is felt by the same area of the brain.  “In addition to the discovery of dopamine, one of the most remarkable neuroscientific findings in the past century is that the brain processes pleasure and pain in the same place.  Further, pleasure and pain work like opposite sides of a balance” - Dopamine Nation - Anna Lembke MD.It's not so much about removing one's addictions, but learning the great art of balancing the pleasure experience so that eventually, we learn that “the trick is to stop running away from painful emotions, and instead allow ourselves to tolerate them.  When we're able to do this, our experience takes on a new and unexpectedly rich texture.  The pain is still there, but somehow transformed, seeming to encompass a vast landscape of communal suffering rather than being wholly our own.” -  Dopamine Nation - Anna Lembke MD.In this podcast, James and I discuss some tried and tested (and failed) attempts at modifying our behaviours, such as: 1. Sober October - good old (tried and failed!) abstinence of cannabis, coffee and alcohol.2. Cramming your spare time with “productive activities”!3. Psychedelic therapy. 4. Daily cocktail of behaviours to maintain your baseline: eat well, move, meditate. How annoying.Embracing failure first is a must, with any endeavour, for "…we must make some effort until we get a taste of the benefit” -Yoga Sutras of PatanjaliOr one fail-safe way to make your life better is to get a dog. (This episode features a special guest, Santos L. Halper!  He interjects around the 20, 27 and 40 minute mark.  You have been warned.)

"Where's The Money? When Are You Going To Get The Money?  Why Aren't You Getting The Money Now? And So On. So Please, The Money.”                                                                                                                                  Fat Tony Have you ever wondered what it's like to work in sales? Of course you haven't.  The self-adulation, an environment where ego runs rampant amidst smiles with no meaning. …no wait that's LinkedIn.So back to my question, Have you ever wondered what it's like to be in sales?Why would you?  Sales is a profession that's been portrayed ad nauseam, albeit only depicting two facets: the obnoxious closer, the “winner” who's always “crushing it”, or the flaccid low-performer who can never catch a break. I submit that there is a middle ground, that of a salesman who likes their life outside the 9-5. Sales is a lot of grind, always having to put your best self forward, all the while hearing: “Where's The Money? When Are You Going To Get The Money?  Why Aren't You Getting The Money Now?  And So On. So Please, The Money.”If you want to refine your sales skills, I would direct you to Start with Why (Simon Sinek),  Sell the way you Buy (David Priemer) and the Sun Tzu.This conversation is for those who notices the absurdity of corporate life.  For those who can identify being in the trenches of sales.  Maybe we can pause in those difficult moments while pushing that rock uphill, so we may enjoy the descent as Camus said.It's hard to be crushing it all the time, every time.So take care of yourself, and turn those notifications off. 

Behaviours I notice as an adult, are mostly a by-product of my childhood and my early environment.  I have a lot of gaps in my early memories, but it's easy to trace back to my childhood where certain behaviours stem from.  Despite the fact that childhood explains a lot, it doesn't excuse anything as Gavin de Becker said. So here I am, in my 40s, learning to  un-learning great many things.  *   *   *On this episode of Kimchi Talk, James and I discuss how trauma shaped our lives.  The concept of taboo is discussed along with topics that are sensitive in Korean culture. We are all a product of our environment, for better and for worse. 

In this podcast, James and I take some time to reflect and assess how the last year has been for us.  We are children of the 90s. We reminisce about what life was like before the advent of the internet.  More importantly, how was your 2021? I sense that the present sentiment, during these covid times,  is that we are definitely “here” and “away” at the same time.  The life that is before us feels painful.  It's a normal human reaction to retract from pain.  But closing oneself to these difficult times, hides us from the good that can come out of our painful experience.  Life isn't one sided, embracing it all is the quintessence of experience. What are you hopeful for? I hope for balance. I want to be present for 2022 with cautious optimism. We're all in this ride together, on our tiny little blue dot called planet earth. Although the last best decade may have come and gone, I remain hopeful. Ride or die(can't believe I'm quoting fast and the furious). 

 For a long time, success meant  having a nuclear Christian family. Then, at another point in my life, my definition of success became material: owning a nice house and a dog in an expensive neighbourhood.  Once more, my definition of success meant minimalism, living a debt-free life. The idea of success changed and keeps changing - except for the idea of having a dog. If this life is a virtual reality, I've unlocked whatever bonus round that awarded me with the best dog possible. Most, by necessity or greed, measure success by money. But what is money? Money is not  paper or coin, it's not the digital print of numbers on a bank statement. The closest definition of what "money" is, to me, is a form of trust. I could argue that it's a feeling - the feeling of being secure and recognized. In this episode, James and I discuss the idea of success and if the question “am I successful?” even matters. Music - Dreamville by Reaktor & Jukgal Production

I believe gratitude is a compassion muscle that needs regular exercise.  You have helped me grow and I thank you.  This episode is dedicated to my listeners.  I don't have many listeners, but for that I am grateful. If you are reading this, have listened to an episode, laughed, jeered, criticized and hopefully appreciated my effort, I am truly grateful and humbled.

I want to be mourned, in my death, a la Donny in the film The Big Lebowski.  I told James to put my ashes in a coffee can, then, this is the important part (!): feed my ashes, (some) of it, to Max.   That would be my ideal funeral. I wanted to answer the difficult questions about myself. One of them was to write my own eulogy. And I couldn't do it.  Not because the idea of death saddened me, but because I had nothing to write about. I became christian, I wanted to do good, felt like a fraud, the end. *The footnote to my eulogy would include: *“This broad, missed out on all the fun, died as a christian, hoping, maybe that her fraudulent life might, possibly, maybe get her to heaven.” I just really wanted to avoid hell, more so than having a tea party with Jesus. The idea of christian heaven never appealed to me. Secretly I wondered,  do I really want to spend eternity tethered to Jesus and god? I couldn't even stay married for the rest of this life. So I stepped out, because the question of “what if” was bigger, much bigger than my desire to go to a christian heaven. There came a time when my life wasn't good enough, heaven wasn't good enough. Today when I think about that question, (about my eulogy), it's irrelevant. I only have today to do my best. I just have to make that decision every day and then, go play in, and with, the universe. Have you captured this feeling, my friend? Music: Dreamville by Reaktor

Dr. Gabor Mate, Mr. (David) Goggins and Mr. Gavin de Becker). What do these men have in common? Other than forced alliteration on my part, they all had close encounters with death, much too early. Incredible, unimaginable life events of the horrific kind, exploded their awakening as a child.Yet, they have all triumphed: conquered and overcome. I want that. Thich Nhat Hanh said, it's not enough to overcome, we have to be able to touch peace and joy.What motivate these men to give back to humanity? The answer they provide are not easy, nor attractive.  But they all called me to rise up.   13 “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."These men carved that road with a machete, should you desire to enter through the narrow gate. A concurrent book review of When the Body says No by Dr. Gabor Mate, Can't Hurt Me by Mr. David Goggins and The Gift of Fear, by Mr. Gavin de Becker. (Suggested Supplemental reading: Sun Tzu)Music: Dreamville by Reaktor & Jukgal Production

The bible is known as the greatest book ever written.  As an apostate, I can still agree to that. As a Christian it was the only necessary literature to guide my life.  I dabbled into C.S. Lewis and Tolkien, however, I was adamant about guarding my mind against the heathen's literature, lest the devil takes my soul.  One of the first things I did when I renounced my christian faith, was to engorge myself in books.  Books I was not allowed to read, books that were thought to be demonic, aka "science books".   I have also re-read certain books of the Bible after leaving the faith.   Boring genealogies aside, the bible is, at its core, a story about humans being human.  The scribes have recorded the depths of human courage, of sacrifice and love.  There is also a plethora of evil: men who lust for power, and stories of incest and infanticide, to a horny king (a voyeur that watches women bathe and  has her husband killed).  Indeed, the Bible comes alive outside of the Christian cave.  I still wonder, however, what other caves am I in?  There is only one way to find out, and find a way out. It's to dig.   Be it the inerrant word of god or not, the bible has many stories to heed, stories to think about and laugh about.  *** Jesus Interrupted by Dr. Bart D. EhrmanAnd so I did not leave the Christian faith because of the inherent problems of faith per se, or because I came to realize that the Bible was a human book, or that Christianity was a human religion.  All that is true - but it was not what dismantled my acceptance of the Christian myth.  I left the faith for what I took to be (and still take to be) an unrelated reason: the problem of suffering in the world.  There came a time in my life when I found that the myths no longer made sense to me, no longer resonated with me, no longer informed the way I looked at the world.  I came to a place where I could no longer see how-even if viewed mythically-the central Christian beliefs were in any sense “true” for me, given the oppressive and powerful reality of human suffering in the world. Music Dreamville by Reaktor

I wanted to commemorate my divorce with dignity and mutual respect.  To bookend this momentous event and to garner genuine appreciation of our time spent together in the cult of christianity, James and I, embarked on a secret covenant called “The Divorce Competition”.  Actually, this covenant is implicitly signed by every divorce(e). The winner/gagnant(!) of this post-divorce contest, will need to score points in these scientific categories: Who will look more attractive physically? (me obviously, ok debatable)Who does Max like better? (Max is a whore who loves every damn human being, so no contest)Who will enter into a relationship sooner?  (James)Will Justin Bieber die before 30? (TBD)And so on. James has won in the “relationship” category, whereas I decided to linger in the experiment.  I tried the so-called “quantum dating” the young'uns pioneered in this post-post-post-modern era. I've explored the seedy underbelly of affairs, as well as used dating as practice for job interviews. It just depends on what you're looking for.  Unfortunately as a woman, when dating, I need to always consider the “rape-y” factor of any situation. But I digress…***Dating after my divorce reminded me that we all desperately seek to be happy, even if for a brief moment of ecstasy. In our search for this elusive by-product called “happiness”, we have accepted to be less kind, less human. It's a common practice to cause pain first, then ask questions later.  How unfortunate. “… although it is easy to give paint to others, it is hard to accept without returning it."                       Yoga Sutras of Patanjali***I am grateful dating has served as an activity of self-exploration. You are a different reiteration of me, and I am a different reiteration of you.  I understand that we are different persons with different people, within different environment with unending variables affecting our every decision and state.  To understand, that I do not understand is what I can say with certainty.The world is a wonderful place with a lot of wonderful-to-be people.It would be wise, however, to take heed of  Marcus Aurelius' instructions in dating as well as in life:  “when you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly.” When dating, proceed with caution, with compassion for yourself and others.

Some, hopefully well meaning, white folks came to Korea to evangelize the gospel of Jesus according to their version of christianity.  Later on, some, hopefully well meaning, Korean folks adapted and adopted Christianity.  That's where I had my first watermelon.  During the 80s, fruit was a delicacy.  I'm not sure if it was a tactic or simple benevolence, however, the neighbourhood church drew me in with this fruit.  I ravenously ate the fruit, drank its punch, well into my 30s.  As an apostate, I reminisce about my former life.  Most of my behaviours were dictated by the fear of hell.  I was terrified of hell, and willing to do everything in my power to avoid it, even if it meant repeating the sins of my colonial fathers.  So there I was, in Guyana, hoping to save some souls to guarantee my real estate in heaven. I was ignorant of Guayana's Jonestown massacre when I set foot in the back of that Bedford. I was eager to evangelize so I didn't go to hell.   I do not know what exactly I accomplished, other than bringing old clothes and imparting a need for unnecessary and unsustainable junk. I am ambivalent about my stint as a missionary.  I am unsure, what the right feelings are.  At best I hope they dismissed our presence as a passing carnival. Music Dreamville by Reaktor

A concurrent book review of the wisdom found in Breath, a book by James Nestor & The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali.  The advancement of humanity, our ever growing desire to delegate and offshore our responsibilities, of what it means to be part of nature, has inevitably led to sub-contracting our well-being.  Automation over mindfulness.  This is very much prevalent in our current age, but it started long ago.  When humans coined the idea of productivity for profit, we forgot, or at least ignored the very basic thing that makes us human.  We have  followed a process of “dysevolution”, coined by Harvard biologist Daniel Lieberman:  passing down traits that are detrimental to our health. Even down to our breath. We forgot how to breathe.  Breath, prana, ch'i, life force.  This wisdom of old has been buried.  It's time to unearth this discipline, to bring new life in our time.  Are you breathing right now?  (most of us don't, we tend to  hyperventilate)Music: Dreamville by Reaktor

Being an immigrant in Canada means you are (somewhat, if not fully) bilingual but also bi-cultural.  Language is only a small component of the greater cultural language an immigrant needs to speak.  I am no longer Korean, or Canadian.  I am a Korean-Canadian immigrant.   If you are part of the immigration story, you can't escape this duality.  Case in point: your mannerism and way of being will differ, when you are breaking bread with your “f-o-b”(-by) friends versus your white friends.   I am estranged from the motherland. The Korea I grew up in the 80s, where I shat in a hole has now been replaced by space bidet, that washes and dries the anus clean.  I cannot relate, to say the least.  The plastic surgery, the-pressure-cooking-our-kids-to-perfection, the “Han”, to a government that readily uses its people as a commodity… Korea has a complicated history.  That much I can relate.Sure, K-pop and Korean bbq are great exports, but underneath all the plastic, and plastic surgery, Koreans are complex.  We struggle under the fog of imperial rule and trauma of war and colonization. I am curious about the everyday man and woman who struggle quietly.  The Korea of the ordinary.  This is worth learning from, this is of interest to me.I am unsure if we ever had any respite from all this struggle.  More reason as to why, I believe, the triumph of the every man of the every day matters.  I am but a witness, an outsider to my homeland. I learn more about my culture from fluent Korean speaking foreigners living in Korea on YouTube. These are rather interesting and strange times.  I am grateful I live in Canada.   A country, albeit not perfect and certainly not absent of racism, painted by Korean BBQ, roti, beef patties and every delicious culture in between.   As I comfortably sit in Trudeau's lap, watching Korea from afar, I hope to understand my people better, so I may understand myself more.   Music: Dreamville by Reaktor; James Chang

As a wide-eyed, brainwashed christian, I thought I could change the world. I was mostly fattening up the wallets of middle-aged, maniacal korean men with a penchant for power.  I now understand I can't change the world.  It isn't my problem to solve.  I am ordinary.  This is not pity, rather, it's an admission that I am part of a whole.   To be special, an outlier, you will be set apart, burdened with an affliction to carry much suffering.   (Jebus got nailed...literally.)Within myself, however, I can change the world.  Some need help, some more than others.  Psychedelic was what I needed.  Chapter 1: 1:18 It found me - Important Disclaimers, my "why"Chapter 1.2: 4:59 Set, Setting and SafetyChapter 2: 13:40  Science-y StuffChapter 3: 19:11  So It Begins - Yamas and NiyamasChapter 4: 24:16  The Experience, the conversation at the wellChapter 5: 34:04  Dénouement, détendre, relâcher Music: Dreamville by Reaktor & James Chang Books referenced: How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan; Drug Use for Grown Ups by Dr. Carl Hart; The Immortality Key by Brian C. Muraresku

Art, especially fine arts, is often considered superfluous, extravagant.  Bills need to be paid, there are children to feed, a boss to suck up to first. Thinking about a nice painting, to put in a house I cannot afford comes after accumulating more debt. C'est la vie, n'est-ce-pas?The barrier of entry for appreciating art, seems to revolve around a certain amount of financial sustainability.  At the end of one spectrum, art is elitist and frivolous.   Even so, art is a necessity of life.  Art is a testament to a life well lived and experienced.   Besides a pleasant aesthetic, there is truth communicated through the barriers and boundaries of time and culture, a shared experienced that transcends our own selves. It's quite simple to me.  Art gives space, provide pause and beauty.  I cannot deny what I feel.  Emotions are carriers of truth.   I've experienced this countless times, a deep feeling of gratitude; that I am part of something bigger than myself, that beauty exists apart from my bias.    That there is good in this life. 

An unwelcome friend, over-staying their welcome.  This is how I am learning to view my depression.  A friendship I do not want to nurture, but present nonetheless.  The origins of my disease harkens back to my childhood, the environment I grew up in and the relationships I was born into.  I can understand now, how I've adopted early coping mechanisms for survival that no longer serve me in adulthood. Maybe depression isn't so much a friend, but a messenger.  There is a deeper message to take in,  with patience and a compassionate curiosity to listen. Pain requires my ultimate presence. Still, after crying, and feeling sorry for myself, there is still work to be done.  (Gotta put on my big boi pants)  What is the point of diagnosis, if not a search for the cure?  I am very slowly, learning to re-assess my yamas and niyamas.  Knowledge should lead to action, even when I feel like a piece of shit. …“to one of discrimination, everything is painful,” it becomes, “To one of discrimination, everything is pleasurable”.                                                  The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali

At the very least, I wanted to make my divorce a net positive experience.   All the principles that are involved in making a marriage great, can also be applied to making a good, at the very least, a peaceful divorce. I'm grateful for having experienced marriage with my first husband.  Hopefully, I was a good first wife for him.   I am in a place, where I can safely say with laughter, about my ex being married to me:  “I'm surprised he lasted that long” *This episode was recorded prior to my dee-vorce podcast.  For my creative posterity's sake, I decided to publish it. 

Why did we get divorced? Short answer: jebusLong version:   Set and Setting.  Set signifies the person, who you are, your personality, your mindset.  Setting is the signifier for your environment.  Within my set and setting, this is how divorce, unfolded for me.  My beliefs were upended, which led me to question everything about my life. Most importantly, I didn't like the person I've become. I didn't like who I was in my relationship. There were specific things, reasons, no one needs to know about but me,  that were deep enough to make me leave. Is marriage overrated?  Maybe. It would be naive for me to say, I came through the experience of divorce, relatively unmarred  because I am a good person.  Very far from it. I'm grateful to have gone through the experience of marriage.I've also come to realize, marriage is not a costume I wish to wear. Music: (Intro) Dreamville by Reaktor Productions licensed via Premium Beat (Outro) Jukgal by James Chang 

Who is this broad ? and why are cabbages talking? All of your questions will not be answered, but it will give you an insight as to my "why". 

As we continue our conversation of our love for MMA, our deepest admiration is for the fighters.  The opera, that unfolds in the  15-25 minute inside the octagon, reveals without lies, what is inside each and every fighter.  Let's see what unfolds during the upcoming fights in March!"...Knowing the other and knowing oneself, In one hundred battles no danger. Not knowing the other and knowing oneself, One victory for one loss.  Not knowing the other and not knowing oneself, In eery battle certain defeat." Sun Tzu

I am an avid fan of the arts, and that include martial arts.  As Homer Simpson would say, I enjoy all the meats of our cultural stew. There is something magical about great artists - you don't need any education to see the   wonder in the works of Basquiat, Monet or Georgia O'Keeffe.  Their greatness is almost intuitively awe inspiring.  As I watch two fighters step into a ring, I feel that same sense of awe and respect for two martial artists, who have poured their lives and selfhood into a moment in time. I relish it all - the fighter's stories, stories of their pets, learning about their workout regimen and tight bodies. The martial artistes all inspire, as well as shame me,  into working out harder. Humanity contained and unleashed in its rawest, primal form. I hope you enjoy this conversation as I share in the excitement over the upcoming UFC cards in March! 

I used to be with it, but then they changed what *it* was. Now what I'm with isn't *it*, and what's *it* seems weird and scary to me - Abraham Simpson Maybe I don't have enough insight nor perspective on what it means to be getting “old”, yet. As my therapist would say, I am judging the experience before going through it. Part of getting old is terrifying and shitty. It's akin to jumping off a cliff - it's inevitable that you will splatter on the ground.  Might as well enjoy the fall, squeeze life for all its worth. Albert Camus said : “But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.”courage to be a failure courage to humble myself to the creative processcourage to cringe at myself and laughIt's all ego really.  What does my death mean in the grand scheme of things? Not much. This very thought used to frighten me, but less so, it's starting to give me courage to live. Au final, il faut plus de courage pour vivre que pour se tuer

From born-again christian, wading through life as an apostate in my 30s, to re-discovering spirituality through drugs,  I am figuring my life out before my savings run out. As Sisyphus walked down the hill, I climbed down the proverbial hill to start my life all over again - a life without a husband and without procreating.    It all started for me in the church. Here is a conversation with my ex-husband, as we reflect on the cult we escaped together, as we smoke a peace pipe.  

There is no doubt christianity shaped who I am today, for better or for worse. Remembering how heavily involved I was, heart-mind-soul (and money) to jesus, my christian past can still arouse some deep emotions.  In my quest to awaken from religion, I came across professor Bart D. Ehrman's work, who was once a staunch born again christian, now an agnostic.  Reading his work brought me solace - I wasn't crazy after all. Prof. Ehrman's aptly describes, in his book “God's Problem”, why he is no longer a believer: “Some people think that they know the answers. Or they aren't bothered by the questions. I'm not one of those people. I have been thinking intensely about these questions for many, many years.  I have heard the answers, and even though I once “knew' and was satisfied with these answers, I am no longer satisfied” Here is a follow up conversation with my ex-husband on the aftermath of leaving our church.     

Drugs are very near and dear to my heart.  You can interchange the word drugs with “altered state of consciousness”.  This is what interests me, be it through drugs, meditation, yoga, sex or food. My experiences with drugs have sparked profound life changing revelations. I've been sober for the first 30 years of my life and I certainly plan to live the rest of my life in these so called  "altered states of consciousness".  Strangely enough, psychedelics and cannabis, have opened my spirituality once again. Here is a cannabis, mushroom infused conversation between two friends, as to why we definitely do eat "that".