Meg-John and Justin

I couldn't help but wonder While women are certainly no strangers to faking it... ...we faked our hair color, cup-size. Hell, we've even faked fur. I couldn't help but wonder, has fear of being alone... ...suddenly raised the bar on faking? Are we faking more than orgasms? Are we faking entire relationships? Is it better to fake it than be alone? Faking it implies that you know what ‘it' is. The way that we talk about faking something is that it's bad. An inauthenticity. That we are not being our true selves. Miranda's orgasms in the episode is a good example to draw on Faking it till you make it. Maybe faking can be a potential line of flight? A becoming?

In this blog I try to use Deleuze & Guattari's ideas to help us to understand the current awful transphobia. Hopefully you'll find it useful (and easy enough to understand) with some hopeful / helpful ideas. Free at my CSR Patreon https://www.patreon.com/posts/molar-and-gender-127351062?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link

This one is a (very) extended reading of my advice article How Can We Have a Better Relationship With Our Phones over at BISH. https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/how-can-we-have-a-better-relationship-with-our-phones/ Here's the podcast I was on discussing Adolescence https://praxiscast.podbean.com/e/e333-dudes-dont-rock-ft-justin-hancock/ Let me know if you have any questions or if I've missed any links. Justin

Ask Justin: Why are they unavailable to me and then magically available with others by Justin Hancock

Here's a shorter version of a longer chat (by myself, but with you) about dating apps. Why people might be fed up of them some of the micropolitics at play and how we might actually make use of them. Here's a really interesting podcast from the Centre for Sex, Love and Relationships https://ahc.leeds.ac.uk/homepage/420/centre-for-love-sex-and-relationships and here's a piece I contributed some ideas for at the FT https://www.ft.com/content/17fb28ae-1e0c-4a32-8c26-59e15c821a48

I was delighted to be joined by friend of the show, esteemed historian, and GF Dr Eleanor Janega to do another Sex Jams episode. We decided to do two Chappell Roan songs to do a compare and contrast, one a song about sex but not a sex jam, the other a relationship song that is a sex jam (in our humble opinion). Anyway, here are the songs Red Wine Supernova https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VS6ixn2berk  Casual https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfSjnsYiY_A And I hope you enjoy our conversation! Here is Eleanor's website where you can find all of her excellent work https://eleanorjanega.com/ You can also go back through the feed to find a conversation we had about her book, The Once and Future Sex. Justin

It was about how to go about dating when in a committed relationship anarchy (RA) / non-hierarchical / abundant relating arrangement and when you are planning on having a kid with someone from that arrangement. I asked the listener to listen to the recording before I published it to make sure that it was vague enough and they okayed it and said it was helpful :-) If you have a question let me know! culturesexrelationships at gmail dot com or via link.tree/culturesexrel

Okay so, I like to maintain close friendships with my exes who are important to me, but I'm struggling with knowing and enforcing my boundaries in those relationships. It's got to the point where I've introduced a new partner to an ex at an event or party and unsurprisingly they've got on very well - so well that on a few occasions there's been some flirting and once or twice some deeper romantic feelings from one of them (though nothing has ever been acted upon as far as I'm aware). It seems that in an effort for everyone to feel okay, an ex and a new partner latch on to each other, but it can leave me feeling quite stressed and pushed out. Also I tend to date people that are quite extraverted and I'm more introverted/socially anxious, so their instinct when this happens is to (friendlily) assert their social position, and my instinct is to withdraw. I'm happy that my ex and new partner get along and are making an effort to make each other and themselves comfortable, but I seem to end up feeling very uncomfortable. At the same time, if my ex is important in my life, but I have a new partner or a close friend that I enjoy being friends with independently, it feels unfair and logistically difficult for me to either keep them apart or dictate the closeness of their friendship. And if I try to not invite my ex to a social event, when we're part of a similar social world, they then understandably end up feeling hurt, and left out or pushed away. I don't want to cut off my exes, but as I get older I seem to be developing a bigger and bigger web of complicated dynamics that is making me increasingly stressed out in social situations. It's making me want to cut ties with everyone and leave this city! P.s. I'm queer if you hadn't already guessed. It's okay to set some boundaries, or to say how you're feeling, or to ask for people to have a bit of extra care Let's think about the ‘thisness' of the terms ‘extroverted / introverted / socially anxious' You seem to be disavowing your own power to act here power over and power to. It's a complex entanglement where the affective power is moving throughout This entanglement isn't over there, you're in it. It is you. Instead of ‘stressed out in social situations. It's making me want to cut ties with everyone and leave this city!' what would you like to be instead? Imagine your best hopes came true, what will you notice?

In this first episode of ‘Second Opinion' I give my alternative advice to someone asking for advice from another advice columnist. Here is the original advice. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/mar/12/my-wife-refuses-to-end-affair-she-enjoys-the-sex-what-should-i-do I chat about the background to newspaper advice columns, and why this one might be so short and what's happened to advice giving generally in mainstream media. Here's the paper I mentioned by Petra https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(15)00009-7/abstract and here's her website https://nostartoguideme.com/ This one being so short means that it may not be long enough to be useful (I'm certain that the advice giver would give excellent advice if she were given longer). It being so short also means that it relies on repeating a common sense discourse, or a should story, of how we should be navigating sex and relationships. Then I give my advice. There are different kinds of relationship models from strict monogamy all the way to a less hierarchical way of relating that doesn't just focus on the sexual and/or romantic kind. You could break up Why is she telling you? If it's just about hurting you and treating you without any consent at all, it's important for you to recognise that What boundaries can you put in How much do you want to know What can she do for you to make it easier? What other freedoms might you have? She's had the freedom to, in what ways might you get that? Put everything on the table Use a resource, like my relationship user guide zine Perhaps doing this will reveal some cracks that might be useful, perhaps there's something there for you to explore Also a line of flight. Let's say that you decide to stay together and have this perfect relationship even though you aren't having the sex which you (presumably) would still like to have. How would you know? What difference would it make? If you were able to take this otherwise perfect relationship, how would you, as a team, assemblage, manage this with consent, safety and maximum pleasure?

Hey! My question is about transitioning and sex. First some background information: My partner is non-binary and I'm genderqueer. Both are assigned female at birth. My partner's "gender journey" has been difficult, but I think they are finally coming into their own (they have been having trans affirming medical care). We have been together for six years. For the first two years we used to have regular sex, and my partner would usually take initiative. After figuring out their gender, the recurrence of sex has become less and less, and now we go months without having sex or more intimacy than light kisses and some cuddling. Their difficulties have a lot to do with ___________ I'm at my wit's end, getting more and more desperate to have intimacy with my partner. Even talking about it makes them stressed, ashamed and sad. So I feel like there is nothing I can do - I can't initiate (they feel pressured) or try to talk about it with them. We have gone to couple's therapy before, which has helped us in understanding each other more and better communicate, but when it comes to sex we are stuck. Some part of me hopes that getting _________ will help, but of course, there is no certainty in that. A year ago I almost broke up with my partner (some other things were going on, but most of it stems from lack of intimacy), and although we recommitted, I think my partner still feels very insecure about it. I feel hopeless, rejected, unattractive (although my partner tries to reassure me it's not me) and - to be honest - sexually frustrated. I really don't know what to do! My partner expresses that they would like to have sex in theory, but rarely feel like it. The few times we have sex it is good (as far as I can tell for both parts). How can I navigate this? What can I do to help my partner? Sorry for a very long question, I hope you will try to answer it :) Firstly I say I'm sorry that this sounds really difficult. I talked about my own experience of being in a long relationship with little sex and that we broke up (and I'm now very happy). I said that I would return to this at the end as an option, but didn't. So just to say here, you could in fact break up. Might help to get away from trying to find cause and effect, or problem and solution. Gets us away from particular aspects of the gender transition having a particular affect Everything is matter and it's all related to each other, which means that things can have self causing causes. What does that idea do? Sex can be a place where gender becomes Puberty (here's my puberty resource at BISH https://www.bishuk.com/bodies/puberty/ ) Instead of making your bodies do what they were doing before together, what else can they do? The body without organs? We don't know what the body is capable of Different kinds of sex / intimacy. Here's that episode about gender affirming therapy https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/gender-affirming-therapy Different kinds of relationships The exception! When you do have sex what is good? How do you know? Best hopes conversation

"Background: I am a queer nonbinary person, in a relationship with another queer nonbinary person. In this case it's relevant to note that we both are people with vulvas. I've had lots of sexual experience with men with penises before this relationship but I haven't for the last few years. I now find myself dreaming about it, especially when I'm ovulating. I also experience discomfort at not being able to have both a penis and a vagina. In a dream world I'd be able to have one, both, neither. My question: is it 'ethical' / 'ok' to look for a friendship with a penis-haver where I can explore touching/holding a penis, perhaps experiment with some penetration (of me)? I loved this part of my teenage relationships. Or is this fetishisation? Could it come under the category of kink? Aren't people often into the genitals of other people? I feel like this kind of friendship it would need to be someone I can have a lot of trust with, therefore likely to be a queer person. I feel like I can't put this in a Feeld bio or anything, as it will upset people, very understandably. But don't know how to go about it, or if I could as it will upset people, very understandably. But don't know how to go about it, or if I could."

I dated someone who was about to become a spiritual leader / teacher a decade ago and completely left the religion. I can't help but think their first love was God. He never been in a relationship and had said ‘I don't know how to love one person let alone more right now' when speaking of polyamory. He has a lot of shame and had a alot of sex outside intimacy. But with me, He was present, made so much effort when I fitted around his schedule. I started saying I miss him and expressed I liked him because I wasn't clear where this was going. after three months he ended the relationship - infuriating as his excuse was ‘I'm just not feeling what I'm supposed to be feeling at three months' (Rich for someone who dismisses And avoids talking of feelings) . I know I have rejection issues and I know where they come from. With that comes the danger to always hope and recognise potential. I have so much empathy for this person . It's not a question, so this isn't an answer. Perhaps I can give you a mapping of what appears to be going on, what unappears to be going on, and a line of flight which might help you in your becoming …. “Never been in a relationship” “I don't know how to love one person” It seems from the get go that this was someone who was communicating that they either couldn't give you a kind of relationship you wanted, or would find it very difficult. How do we do relationships with people who don't know how to do them? “With you he was present, made so much effort when you fitted around his schedule.” What were you pleased to notice about yourself in those days? Write them down? “I miss him and expressed I liked him because it wasn't clear where this was going” What if we say we like someone without it where being unclear about something is going is actually really good? Territorialisation - deterritorialisation - reterritorialisation. Little islands. Rhizomes that couldn't map onto each other. A non-relation rather than an emergence. “Rejection issues and I know where they come from.” I'm not sure I know what rejection issues are. An acute sense of pain from rejection, or a more chronic pain of rejection. Is it a fear of rejection or some kind of welcoming of them? Are the rejection issues ‘the thing about you' or do they do something? How do you know? Let's frame this as a best hope: what difference would it make if you didn't have rejection issues? What would you have or be or become instead? Knowings: first love was god. A lot of shame. Dismisses and avoids talk of feelings. With that comes the danger to always hope and recognise potential Or with that comes the possibilities of hope and recognising potential? What if the rejection issues gave you a certain power to act that, if you could act on it in a particular way, could be really helpful for you? I have so much empathy for this person What does that do? What if your empathy was another superpower which could be turned on the whole of the external world around you? What if that included you? A more than human perspective Refrains - how you might deterritorialise them. Changing tunes, rhythms, words. Best hopes not deficits. Abundance not scarcity. Possibilities not lack.

Hi Justin, Thanks for making such and thoughtful and insightful podcast. I just saw your message, and I have a Q that you may be able to use. Which is - why, now that I'm in a healthy and supportive relationship (for a couple of years now) do I still feel hurt, angry, confused etc. about an ex that I dated for only a few months, over three years ago? Someone who wasn't very supportive and ended up letting me down during a difficult period in my life. I thought I'd moved past these feelings, and feel very content and loved in my relationship now. But every now and then I hear a bit of news about this ex, who moves in vaguely the same circles, and old painful feelings seem to come back up and are difficult to shake off. I don't want to get back with this person at all, but I do fantasise about them reaching out to apologise to me, and what I would say back. I also imagine how their life has fallen apart without me (!) and any news that contradicts that narrative really bothers me. I have a good therapist who I've talked to a lot about this, but the thoughts and feelings are still there. Why is it taking so long to move past this? Thanks Justin! I'm sorry to hear this, it does sound like tough stuff. Feeling hurt, angry, confused are tough emotions and I'm sure a lot of us in the CSR assemblage will have some identification with your situation - I know I do. There's more of a fulsome written summary of the response here at the Patreon version https://www.patreon.com/posts/104580350 https://justinhancock.co.uk/#coaching

"Hey good afternoon! I have a question that could be easily summarized as 'How to deal with "fomo" in non-monogamous/poly/RA relationships?'. (Fomo: fear of missing out.) And to give a bit more information: When I was in a polyamorous relationship for over a year I noticed I sometimes struggled with complicated feelings around missing out on (important) events/activities my then partner would attend with their other partner/s. They seemed to also have a hard time dealing with their partners feeling of 'fomo' and dividing activities. It made me think of how to handle things myself in the future if I would have multiple partners. I think there's a part that has to do with unpacking (het)normative scripts around dating but I haven't managed to detangle everything myself and would love to hear your take on it. I don't think it matters but I'm a queer non-binary person :) Whatever happens to this question, thanks for taking the time to read it." Fear of missing out, let's explore that What is fear and what are we fearing? Are we fearing an emotion, such as sad (or even joy)? What would it mean to feel a sadness of missing out? What would that do? Sadness, loss, a reduced capacity to act. How can we organise our relationships so that it's abundant? If we're doing abundant relating, we're doing win win relating. There is no missing out. ‘Making polyamory work for you' Abundant relating examples and how they might be rhizomatic Perhaps we also should question the binary around ‘doing the thing' = good, not doing the thing = bad. What is the thing we're missing out on? We could all do with watching some more snooker I think. Do we have to experience everything our partner feels? Like Yoko and John? Duchamp's door might be a way for us to find a way to joy? What's the very first sign of a SOMO leading towards a place of JOMO. Or just, joy? https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/staying-with-feelings-in-relationships/ https://loveuncommon.com/2019/09/20/taking-your-emotional-temperature/

My problem is around polyamory and non-hierarchy. Specifically, how to deal with loving or caring about some partners more, or feeling more strongly for them, while maintaining a non-hierarchical relationship style. I currently have three partners, one long distance. One of the two local partners recently mentioned that they might move away, and raised the possibility of becoming long distance. I realised I'm not particularly interested in doing that, and I'd rather break up. I do love and care about them, and I don't want to break up, but I don't feel motivated enough to do the work of maintaining long distance with them. But I feel like saying this when I already have a long distance partner will hurt them intensely, and show that I just don't feel as strongly about them as my other partner who is long distance, which unfortunately is true. I know I could say that I just don't think our specific relationship would work well long distance, but that feels dishonest when I've come to realise that I just… don't feel as invested in staying together as I did when my other partner moved away. How do I navigate this? I feel so guilty. Sounds hard Hierarchies Discourses What does it do, rather than what it is Consensual non monogamy, consent being the freedom to choose to agree and to have the capacity to make that choice How the decisions are being made Duchamp's door Instead of being a self how about becoming a bush Lines of flight

"Hi Justin my favourite episode of yours and Meg-John's is 'disagreeing with people'. I've listened over 10 times. Despite this I still find myself getting into pointless heated discussions/arguments that leave me very upset specifically about trans issues but could be any marginalised group. This is in person one to one, not online, I don't respond on social media. How can I stop getting drawn in to doing this? I'm wasting my energy, but find certain things people say draw me in I can't help challenging it. I have multiple marginalised/intersectional identities and am gender non conforming but not trans myself. Thanks for all the work you put in to the podcast- its part of my self care." https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/disagreeing-with-people/ Why it's pointless You're not engaging in the discussion for the same reason (you might want to change their mind, they might just want to get you riled) People rarely change their mind right there and then Challenging is different from disagreements (How to challenge without locking horns) Who is the subject and who is the object or other? Who is who's mommy / daddy How your role as the other might actually be making things worse? Thoughts on materialism and what disagreements vs challenging does. Do we need to challenge or disagree? What does it do? Why you're getting drawn in Perhaps in some way they are your object or other? You might want to think about times when you haven't been drawn in (eg on social media), what have you done instead. What else might you do or be? Advice on how to just notice when we become conscious through affect/feeling : emotion : thoughts : actions Here's the podcast about Jacob Johannsen's excellent book https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/jacob-johannsen-fantasy-online-misogyny-and-the-manosphere https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel

Just a quick advice episode this week as I feel like I've talked a lot about orgasms lately on the show. But first there's some really lovely correspondence about when you, the assemblage, feel like the body without organs. More of this is particularly welcome! https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel

“I often struggle with unpicking what of my feelings is really 'mine' and what's internalised homophobia/transphobia/sexism/sex negativity etc. As a result I really struggle to trust myself, and become anxious, worrying that I'm unconsciously repeating harmful patterns. I know that identities aren't fixed, that we're all constantly evolving and all in relation to one another. I suppose really, with this all in mind, my question is: how do we work towards being authentically ourselves and trusting ourselves around sexual/gender identity? How do we hold space for our own feelings (both physical and emotional) whilst also combatting all the crap that we are imbued with by society?” Here's A Thousand Plateaus (free pdfs are available online) https://www.upress.umn.edu/book-division/books/a-thousand-plateaus Here's that really interesting podcast episode I think I mentioned by Jeremy Gilbert https://culturepowerpolitics.org/2024/02/03/introducing-affect/ His book Common Ground is really great Here's more about Antonio Damasio https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antonio_Damasio The name of the theorist I'd forgotten was Vicki Kirby and her idea about nothing being outside of nature is in this piece I think Here's an article I wrote at BISH the other day which explains the different ways of thinking about the self https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/how-to-impress-someone-you-like/ Here's more information about my coaching service https://justinhancock.co.uk/#coaching and you can contact me and find other resources here https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel Hope we all found this useful and become the body without organs at some point this week. Let me know if you do! Justin

Sex Ed in the UK and Me Our wonderful Patrons have had this for a few days already. Why not join them from just £1 a month? Suggest shows, join the Patreon, DM me directly and get 10% off my coaching service ... patreon.com/culturesexrelationships This one is about a brief history of sex ed in the UK over the last hundred years or so. Part way through I tell my story of how I got into doing this job in 1998 / 1999 in order to tell an autoethnography which illuminates the problems which sex ed, sexual health services, and youth services have faced over the years. I think it reveals something interesting about what culture war and austerity have done and how this may result in a doubling down on a narrow sex ed which doesn't seem to serve anyone. Here's the Department for Education 1943 document I read from https://education-uk.org/documents/boardofed/1943-sex-ed.html I relied on ‘School sex education: policy and practice in England 1870 to 2000' by Jane Pilcher https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14681810500038848 The Politics of Sex Education Policy in England and Wales and The Netherlands since the 1980s JANE LEWIS and TRUDIE KNIJN https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/journal-of-social-policy/article/abs/politics-of-sex-education-policy-in-england-and-wales-and-the-netherlands-since-the-1980s/8913118BB205C133930FED2E05240864 Seventy years of sex education in Health Education Journal: a critical review Padmini Iyer and Peter Aggleton https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0017896914523942 Here's a useful document about sexual pleasure in RSE and that Pleasure leaflet debacle I was talking about https://shura.shu.ac.uk/16764/1/Pleasure%20Evaluation%202017%20FINAL%20final.pdf And you might be interested in this blog of mine I did last year about the state of RSE in the UK https://bishtraining.com/the-state-of-rse-in-the-uk/ Send in your questions / support the show / find things to buy here https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel

I have a safer sex protocol that consists of a set of good communication tick boxes and a set of medical/testing disclosure tick boxes and a spreadsheet for my partners to record their partners and activities they practise with each, testing status, barrier use, etc I then use some approximate quantification of risk for each partner. While I find my protocol helpful in making this usually sensitive and difficult discussion more matter of fact and clear, I have experienced a lot of push back and hurt feelings by partners. I am reaching out to you because you mentioned in your episode this week that some people feel repelled by safer sex discussions. Could you help me see a way forward towards finding a consensus or a creative solution that works for everyone in case a partner refuses to engage with my protocol? Thank you for creating your content! I find it really valuable and fun to listen to! Resource / discourse When one becomes the other What's a good resource? Heterogeneous, open, kind, Resourcing our bodies Towards collectivity, away from the individual risks It's not working right now, why not? Sounds like it's only resourcing one person Which means that it's not actually resourcing you For this approach the process and the content have to be flattened. It's the process for reducing risks which is the relation, which produces the outcome Trust To get trust we have to give it. It's a mutually constructed thing But saying it isn't it. Also running the risk of people rejecting doing it because they are made to say it. Privity of contract How does trust feel? How do other people know? How would you respond? Can you use that to work backwards to find out how you might resource yourselves (or your whole assemblage) Here's the podcast I was recommending here https://hotelbarpodcast.com/podcast/episode-119-trust/ Joy and love is only ever a result of the relation As I've been saying lately, consciousness, becoming, can only happen in relation. Spinozan joy is just that if by increasing our capacity to act, we are reducing someone else's, it's sadness "Love means precisely that our expansive encounters and continuous collaborations bring us joy...without this, love, we are nothing." Antonio Negri So you need a resource, not a discourse, which you all can collaborate on Allows for volume levels (both in terms of the actual risks and how they are individual) Allows for different risks Gives people autonomy over how they manage their sexual risks (privity) Creates openness and the possibilities of persevering over time Gives everyone an out Just conversations A Google doc of affects, emotions, thoughts, doings Not just about safer sex but also increasing the possibilities to act https://www.bishuk.com/safer-sex/sex-infections/ https://www.bishuk.com/safer-sex/chances-getting-sti/ https://www.bishuk.com/safer-sex/sti-quiz/

[If you have a question of your own, or would like me to give a Second Opinion of someone else's advice, get in touch via the link tree here https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel ] “My question is about (changing) feelings of disgust in sexual contexts. My sense of disgust can change rapidly depending on context. For example, most of the time I really don't like kissing, even the idea is repelling to me.” It's okay. We shouldn't have to find any kind of sexuality to be normal, or okay, or expected. Doesn't matter what kind of relationship we're in. Some things we are told are ‘normal' part of sexuality are deeply weird when we think about it! Polymorphous perversity. (Here's that episode https://soundcloud.com/podcast-co-coopercherry/three-essays-on-the-theory-of-sexuality ) Navigating discrepancy is the normal (there are tips about this in our book A Practical Guide to Sex). https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/sex-discrepancies/ https://megjohnandjustin.com/sex/enjoy-penis-vagina-sex-want/ https://megjohnandjustin.com/sex/enjoy-non-genital-sex/ Perhaps think about the different ways of doing them. Maybe you need more mutual sex where you are both doing something with each other at the same time, or you might need to go one at a time. There's some really great stuff about this in Cyndi Darnell's book https://cyndidarnell.com/book/ (we did a podcast earlier this year, check it out) (Though I still think we are actively having sex with each other even if one person is receiving pleasure and the other ‘giving' it. If pleasure was only about this giving and receiving mode, the giver gives and the taker takes, then how come I enjoy touching other people's bodies?) Disgust and consciousness. How things become conscious and how we might pay attention to other affects. The exceptions. Kissing is great. Enhances sexual pleasure. What's the difference? What do you notice? Things change rapidly, this is really useful. Can things change in the other direction? I didn't talk about Epicurus, Lucretius and The Swerve, but I probably should have because that would have been fun. Here's a good podcast about it https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/who-was-lucretius-with-thomas-nail/id1512615438?i=1000575225008

I thought I'd do a reading of a couple of my articles from BISH that I've written about orgasms and then have an adult and theoretical rambling about them. They demonstrate really nicely how gendered sex discourses have produced orgasms in a very narrow (territorialised) way, and how unlearning our sexual knowledges is the key to enjoying it a bit more, but also has some micropolitical implications. Here are the articles https://www.bishuk.com/bodies/how-do-i-know-when-ive-had-an-orgasm/ https://www.bishuk.com/sex/what-is-gooning/ If you do have any questions for me, here are the links you need https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel Justin

I was joined by Greg Wolfman to talk about his excellent book 'Masculinities in the US Hangout Sitcom'. https://www.routledge.com/Masculinities-in-the-US-Hangout-Sitcom/Wolfman/p/book/9781032426211 (it's an academic book, so expensive, but there's a 20% off voucher at the website. Also Routledge sometimes have really huge sales on. They also published Meg-John's Rewriting The Rules. Also, ask your library to get it) After a brief tribute to Matthew Perry / Chandler Bing, we - chatted about whether it was possible for us to enjoy Friends - Greg situated Friends in the socio-political context of neoliberalism, the 90s, and the long 90s (a term by Jeremy Gilbert which is usefully explained in his book with Alex Williams called 'Hegemony Now') - Greg helpfully walked us through the 'chrononormativities' of career, relationships, settling down (and we also chatted about how they show us a glimpse of queerness in the show but always shut it down) - Then we talked about the episodes in series two when Joey moves out and when Joey moves in. What this says about how masculinities are performed, the idea of 'the closeness in the doing', and whether we really are living in a more homosocial era of masculinities. Pivot! - And what does it say about Friends and us that it's still such a popular show? Why isn't there a sitcom for the luxury automated gay acid communism conjuncture? Call it 'Comrades'. Hire Greg as your script consultant!

I was thrilled to be joined by Jacob Bloomfield to talk about his excellent new book, 'Drag: A British History'. It tells the story of drag from 1870 to 1970 and I found it to be super entertaining and informative. I came to this as someone who was ambivalent about drag and I learnt so much. You can buy it from this affiliate link and then I get a small commission (and helps support the show) https://uk.bookshop.org/a/10660/9780520393325 or get it direct from the publishers https://www.ucpress.edu/book/9780520393325/drag The article Jacob mentions is here https://www.telegraph.co.uk/books/non-fiction/drag-surprising-mainstream-history/

I was delighted to be joined by Yvette Taylor to talk about her fascinating book Working Class Queers Time, Place and Politics. You can buy it from here https://www.plutobooks.com/9780745341026/working-class-queers/

Patrons have had this show for a few days already. Sign up at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships from just £1 a month and support the show :-) My last advice show was popular. Send your questions through via the link in the bio and I will answer them! :-) The UK are having a round of allegations against public figures which centre around sexual ethics, consent, power, and bullying. These are all very different cases with their own particularities, yet the discussions surrounding them reveal a lack of nuance, lack of curiosity for critiquing sexual ethics, binary assumptions, carceral justice logics. As it seems we've learnt nothing about sex, consent, and justice, I thought it would be great to invite Tina Sikka back on the show to talk about this and to apply her framing of a ‘pleasure and care-centred ethic of embodied and relational sexual Otherness' and see what might become. Here is that first conversation from a year ago https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/tina-sikka-sex-consent-and-justice You can pre-order the paperback of Tina's book here https://edinburghuniversitypress.com/book-sex-consent-and-justice.html

What if you have no problem making connections with people who are cute and engaging, but they are unavailable? My advice about how else we can see these moments of emergence and what we can do to bring reason and new stories into meeting people. I guess this is a companion piece to this podcast https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/how-to-get-a-girlfriend-boyfriend-themfriend

This is a reading from my article I wrote for RSE folk but I think is relevant for CSR folk. I'm also really sick of hearing the bad takes about A***** T***. This article is in response to the questions I get about ‘what should we do about toxic masculinity influencers'. I complexify the idea of an individual having a singular ‘effect'. I argue that there are potential harms of uncritically accepting a common sense ‘cause and effect' discourse of toxic masculinity. How paying attention to those discourses ‘covers over' failings which are closer to home. Lastly, how the solution has been there all along, but it's our own embedded institutional toxic masculinities which prevent us from accessing them. Here's the article https://bishtraining.com/the-effect-of-toxic-masculinity-influencers/ Sign up for the Patreon to see what I'm up to with this new zine. patreon.com/culturesexrelationships And here's that link I talked about at the end https://forms.gle/AVkYLaL4srDunrHC7

I was delighted to be joined by Laura Scaronne Bonhomme and Dr Michael Beattie who (together with co-author Skye Davies) wrote Gender Affirming Therapy. We talked about the need for this book right now. How trans and trans non-binary folk face such scarce resources and also an increasingly hostile and transphobic government. But also how the discourses around gender diversity may have produced an anxiety for health care providers in 'getting it right' and how this doesn't serve clients or themselves. We also talked about what [else] gender affirming therapy does. How their gentle affirming approach allows for gender to emerge (rather than putting clients on an A to B gender journey). The importance of allowing for indifference, ambivalence, and existential unknowings. How they bring an openness and fuzziness to discursive framings of gender together with a grounded understanding of the body, the material, and how this can help trans and non-binary and cis clients to emerge. Their book is out very soon so buy and review it here https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0335251544?ref_=k4w_embed_dp_err&tag=kpembed-20 Or here (where I'd earn a little affiliate commission too) https://uk.bookshop.org/a/10660/9780335251544 Also join their club at affirm.lgbt (as I have just done) I hope you enjoy the show. You are as much part of this as I am. So if you can support it on patreon.com/culturesexrelationships with £1 a month for a bit I'd be super grateful. It helps pay me to do the show. Or you could perhaps share the show privately or publicly and say a nice thing about it. Maybe you could give it a nice 5 star rating on your podcast app too. Ta!

I was delighted to be joined by Sophie K Rosa for a chat about her excellent new book Radical Intimacy. We chatted about some of the emerging themes from the book: - the neoliberal self as produced by society and culture, - reflecting on Covid and how the lockdown policy reproduced common sense ideas about the nuclear family, mononormativity, and safety - we critique the common sense idea of monogamy and link this with Fordist capitalism - even under it's own terms what kind of society do we need to allow for even monogamous relationships and the nuclear family to emerge and thrive - what are the possibilities for more queerer intentional, relational, and consensual ways of relating - how those doing radical relating might also benefit from a more radical politics (as well as how those with radical politics might benefit from reflecting on radical relating) You can get the book from here https://www.plutobooks.com/9780745345161/radical-intimacy/ And you can read Sophie's excellent journalism work over at Novara Media https://novaramedia.com/contributor/sophie-k-rosa/ Please support the show so that I can a) be paid and b) pay fellow freelance guests. If everyone listening donated £1 a month at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships I'd be able to treat this like a part time job and thus more podcasts.

I've done a reading of and around an article I've written for BISH this week about How To Get A Girlfriend, Boyfriend, or Themfriend. I've read it out but also talked around it to complexify it, chat a bit about some of the theory, and also why this isn't neoliberal advice but a line of flight to become 'other'. Could you please help me share the hell out of the article https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/how-to-get-a-girlfriend-boyfriend-or-themfriend/ If you want to support the show (even just for a bit) there's a Patreon patreon.com/culturesexrelationships Thanks for listening! Justin

Renowned sex therapist and educator Cyndi Darnell joined me to talk about her amazing book ‘Sex When You Don't Feel Like It'. We critiqued the idea of libido itself, the importance of curiosity, the new three word model you should be using instead of GGG on Feeld, the importance of allowing the body to speak, why talking about problems is often not helpful, the possibilities for the body to show the path to freedom and connectedness, and the difficulties of being saturated in discourse and how to become resourced. Here's a link to the book (I earn a small commission if you buy it from this link but it is widely available) https://uk.bookshop.org/books/sex-when-you-don-t-feel-like-it-the-truth-about-mismatched-libido-and-rediscovering-desire/9781538161708?aid=10660 The paper that Cyndi mentioned is here https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14681994.2021.1882672 And her website is https://cyndidarnell.com/ Please support the podcast if you can via Patreon and unlock bonus episodes and some other extras (Patrons have had this episode for a week ahead). Just £1 a month for a bit would be great and would pay me to make these shows patreon.com/culturesexrelationships

Here's an interview with Eleanor, about her amazing new book 'The Once and Future Sex'. We discuss the key themes of the book - about how the story of what it is to be a woman was told (and how this connects to power and hegemony), - where the beauty standard first came from and how women faced a double jeopardy of following them / not following them - how the story of what it is to be a woman meant creating stigma around sex and relationships - the role of the medieval mother and why motherhood was central to medieval life (yet women were still seen as inessential 'Others') - and why all of this matters for the present day, for feminism, and also why learning from this should be an important, central, part of post-capitalist politics Her book is out on 17th January 2023 in the US https://wwnorton.com/books/9780393867817 and here in the UK on 3rd March 2023 https://uk.bookshop.org/books/the-once-and-future-sex-going-medieval-on-women-s-roles-in-society/9780393867817

A listener asked me (via Patreon) to chat about Covid. The restrictions might be over, but Covid is still very much with us (and with others more than some). Why do we want to turn away from Covid? Why do we want to think we've 'beaten' the virus? Masks have gone, but does that mean that we've simply learnt nothing? I asked podcaster and storyteller Dave Pickering along to tell their story of Covid and help me put the personal in a cultural and political context.

This week I am grabbing some hashtag content from my other Patreon for BISH (https://www.bishuk.com/)and introducing you to my 'Train Yourself in RSE' resources. You can see this (and read the resource) here for free https://www.patreon.com/posts/train-yourself-1-70736726 If this is the kind of thing that you might be interested in doing here, I could do special CSR versions which are aimed at you the individual (rather than educators). So you would receive really in-depth, adult, sex and relationships education in this way. We could also do monthly zoom meetings to chat about some of the activities with each other, and I could even facilitate actual workshops with you. Sign up for the Culture Sex Relationships Patreon to register your interest (from just £1 a month) patreon.com/culturesexrelationships Hope you find this useful! Justin

I invited Scott Burnett back on the show (here's his first appearance last year when we talked about the manosphere https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/scott-burnett-masculinities-masturbation-and-no-fap). He co-wrote this excellent paper this year called ‘Breeders for race and nation': gender, sexuality and fecundity in post-war British fascist discourse. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/0031322X.2021.2011088 It's open access and although it's an academic article I think it's pretty accessible (we also explain it in the show). We talked about: Why we're having the conversation at the moment (Italy, and the Bonk for Britain story) https://www.theguardian.com/politics/commentisfree/2022/oct/10/the-tory-ministers-bonking-for-britain-idea-is-a-vile-vision-lurking-behind-cheeky-carry-on-imagery The general overview of the right and gender How this reproduces whiteness and gender subjectivities (and how it is weaponised against the Other (people of colour, migrants generally, feminism) Where else we see these kinds of discourses around gender and sexuality How some of these themes are taken up in environmentalist discourses around overpopulation. But also seeing this as a spectrum where we might also see (seemingly benevolent) references to 'strong families'. We can also see this in culture generally in (what I tend to call) hegemonic or common sense sexuality education but also how gender and sexuality have been disciplined as part of the capitalist projects of the last 100 years. We talked generally about the failure of left / liberal politics to understand how gender and sexuality are not an 'over there' or 'nice to have' but an essential part of our political bloc. Some other reading / podcasts that you might be interested in that we chatted about. Hegemony Now - by Jeremy Gilbert and Alex Williams. https://www.versobooks.com/books/4015-hegemony-now They did a video summarising it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuYEKWx5q40 Abolish The Family - by Sophie Lewis https://www.versobooks.com/books/4075-abolish-the-family which is really really interesting (the title sounds scary and bombastic but it's really not that kind of book). I haven't listened to it yet but she did a podcast for Novara Media about it which I'm sure will be worth a listen https://novaramedia.com/2022/10/12/choose-your-own-family-adventure/ Here's that article by Sophie K Rosa https://novaramedia.com/2022/10/13/did-cuba-just-abolish-the-family/ about Cuba and the cool thing they've done lately.

As you may have been hearing on recent podcasts, I've been training in solution focused therapy / coaching recently. I've been finding it pretty transformational, both for me personally but I've also found it really useful in work too. It's a very postmodern practice, in that it just works. In the training that I've attended the trainers have been disinterested in the theory, or why it works. Their response is that it does, and here's how we do it. That's good enough for me, I really enjoyed getting cracking with it and trying it out on lots of my loved ones before doing coaching with paying clients. However, I have a podcast to run and I need that content baby! So what is the deal with solution focused therapy and what's the theory behind it? [for the full blog post that I read out here head over to the Patreon where I've unlocked it https://www.patreon.com/posts/70372857 ] If you're interested in booking a session with me (Patrons get 10% discount) check out the coaching page at justinhancock.co.uk If you want to have a session with someone who isn't me, I can recommend Biba (who I've had some sessions with too). She's great https://ribalon.org/ If you're interested in getting some training yourself, I'd recommend the courses at Brief, which is where I've been training. https://www.brief.org.uk/ To help with this I've been reading How to Read Wittgenstein by Ray Monk and Ludwig Wittgenstein by Edward Kanterian (part of the Critical Lives series). This article by Steve de Shazer is really interesting (and helpful) https://www.sdstate.edu/sites/default/files/2018-06/dont_think_but_observe.pdf The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy came up trumps again with their excellent entry (such an amazing resource) https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/wittgenstein/ The Wikipedia page for solution focused therapy is packed with links to the evidence for how effective it is https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solution-focused_brief_therapy If you want to understand what I meant by postmodern check out this podcast by Jeremy Gilbert (when Liz Truss was having a go at postmodernism, obviously she didn't understand what that meant)

Latest episode is an expanded version of some of the stuff I've been writing lately for BISH (my website for over 14s) and for Mashable which you can read here https://mashable.com/article/porn-sites-viewers-workers For a blog post of this article you can head to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/posts/72285998 and while you're there please considering supporting the show. Just £1 a month would really help out. If everyone who listened did that then I could work for 2/5 of a week on it. If you want more anti or post-capitalist content check out the work of my comrades at ALE https://www.alternativeleftentertainment.org/

Yes we're back with another Sex Jams and we're back with another George Michael song. Perhaps the horniest of his songs. Freeek! We're doing Freeek! 04 and the video is here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLnYPXTs9LY Patrons support the show and also get bits of bonus material, including the full length version of this podcast. Just £1 a month would support the show. If everyone who listened did this I'd be able to work for a day or two a week on this show!

CN - I don't go into detail about abuse but the whole episode is (as the title suggests) about the relationship between what kink might do (for some people) and previous experiences of abuse. For the full blog post that goes with the episode, sign up at the Patreon and support the show. Or if you can't afford that but want to read the post, email me at culturesexrelationships at gmail dot com and I'll send it to you.

NB: it's 29th July 2022, so if you listen to this in a few weeks time you might want to check out my article at BISH below just in case the advice changes. Here's a quick episode about monkeypox: it's a chill and informative explainer. It's based on the article I wrote at BISH https://www.bishuk.com/safer-sex/monkeypox/ and also in the article I wrote for Mashable https://mashable.com/article/monkeypox-symptoms-signs-safety The links I mentioned are in those articles but also here are a few more https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/monkeypox/ https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa2207323 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S147330992200411X?dgcid=coauthor https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/monkeypox https://www.cdc.gov/poxvirus/monkeypox/index.html This twitter thread is really useful too https://twitter.com/mugecevik/status/1550757056256294912 And here's my article about how to worry https://www.bishuk.com/about-you/how-to-worry/ Justin

Here's the latest episode of Sex Jams with Dr Eleanor Janega and me, discussing a sex jam. Here is the video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrbFQEcpJ3A We talk about pretty interesting stuff. Why the ideal Sex Jam is actually John Cage. Two seed theory. How liberal notions of the self and sexuality come from the classical and medieval notions of sex and sexuality. What is cream? The mirror phase. (Sexual) subjectivity. And having the horn. Eleanor's blog is https://going-medieval.com/ her other podcast is called We're No So Different https://feeds.transistor.fm/were-not-so-different and if you want to watch her on TV check out her seriess on History Hit https://access.historyhit.com/videos/medieval-pleasures-sex You can see the rest of her stuff here https://linktr.ee/EleanorJanega I offer an advice / solution focused coaching service about sex, relationships, and you. So if you find my advice on here useful you might want to book me for a session. More details here https://justinhancock.co.uk/#coaching https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel

Here's an interview with Cory Cascalheira who was the lead writer of an academic paper called 'Curative Kink: Survivors of early abuse transform trauma through BDSM'. It's open access and I'd encourage you to read it because it's well interesting and I think very important. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/352440982_Curative_kink_Survivors_of_early_abuse_transform_trauma_through_BDSM I say more about this in the introduction, but we're not saying that Kink is a prescription for dealing with trauma from sexual abuse, or neglect, or violence. It's to say, for people who take part in Kink, in the context of cultural healing, what does kink offer people therapeutically. Support this show via patreon.com/culturesexrelationships You can also support https://www.bishuk.com (one of the most popular and widely respected websites for young people) at patreon.com/bishuk Or if you want to find out about all the other work I do, including one to one sessions for solution focused coaching or sex and relationships advice, head to https://justinhancock.co.uk/

I chatted with Alfie Bown about his really superb new book Dream Lovers the Gamification of Relationships. It's packed with interesting ideas and theory but is also highly readable and fun. I learnt tons. I chat about the book in the introduction but you can also read more about it (and buy it if you can) at the Pluto Books website https://www.plutobooks.com/9780745344874/dream-lovers/ If you like the show please consider supporting it from £1 a month at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships and you might also want to check out my website justinhancock.co.uk to see about other projects I work on and to find out more about my new coaching service.

Here's an article that I wrote for my Patrons at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships and I've read out here. If you want to read the article then I've unlocked the post which you can find here https://www.patreon.com/posts/65416473 Please do consider supporting the show via Patreon or you can also find out about and support my other work, which you can see at my new website https://justinhancock.co.uk

As I say in the introduction, I was thinking about her work when I was learning about the Sexuality Assemblage. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/258032851_The_Sexuality-Assemblage_Desire_Affect_Anti-Humanism This comes from the Deleuze and Guattari idea of the 'body without organs' which is just to say that our bodies and selves exist only in relation to (and becoming of) other humans, ideas, memories, fantasies, environments, objects and that these all exist in an affective flow. I learnt about this from The Body by Nick J Fox. We discussed this in the Sex Consent and Justice episode with Tina Sikka in December last year. Don't worry if this sounds academic and technical, hopefully the conversation is pretty inclusive and straight forward and fun! If you want an intro to this you might like this module of the Teach Yourself Sex Ed course I did for my website for young people. https://www.bishuk.com/parents/teach-yourself-sex-ed-bodies/ You can check out GotN's work at https://www.girlonthenet.com/ and you can support her audio prn project and her writing at her Patreon https://www.patreon.com/girlonthenet This conversation has been out for a couple of weeks now on both of our Patreons. So do consider signing up to both of our Patreons to support the work. If you can't afford it, no worries. If you can share it on social media that would be great too.

My latest Ask Justin is another one where I read out the blog post I've written. Which makes this a shorter but more focused podcast. Yay shorter podcasts. This has been out for over a week already at the Patreon and they also get the blog post (with all the links I mention) and also other bonus material. I am going to start to do Patreon exclusive content soon because I need more Patrons (money) for the work (labour) which I am doing and trying not to disavow (like we are supposed to in the creative industries). We covered this when we talked about anti-capitalist prn a few months back. So please consider signing up from just £1 a month at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships

Here's part two of the interview I did with Jacob and Bonni about their amazing new book 'Event Horizon'. It's not going to make as much sense if you haven't listened to last week's episode first I don't think, but I don't like telling you what to do. In this part we talk about: - the idea of 'cuteness' - selfies (comparing selfies with Lacan's idea of the Mirror Stage) - the sexual non-relation - heteropessimism - expanding our idea of the erotic. If you want to buy the book here's the link https://www.johnhuntpublishing.com/zer0-books/our-books/event-horizon-sexuality-politics-culture

Event Horizon: Sexuality, Politics, Online Culture, and the Limits of Capitalism When our desires become the product of tech giants, what ways are there left for us to dream? in an age where Silicon Valley dictates what it means to innovate, a painless future, knowledge and enjoyment are fertile breeding grounds of political contestation. But it's not exactly democracy. We are controlled through platforms that turn us into data for the profit of billionaires. Control has become so playful that we carry it in our pockets, as we continue to crave likes and followers. What is to be done? Should the Left continue to cling to the promise of a political Event, patiently waiting for a revolutionary rupture where new possibilities emerge? Is there a way to delineate its horizons amidst the chaos? Through a psychoanalytic interrogation of the intersections of online culture, sexuality, and politics, Bonni Rambatan and Jacob Johanssen explore such horizons at the limits of capitalism. Event Horizon examines how capitalist ideology functions in our current moment, and, more importantly, how it breaks down. With the increasing urgency of formulating a proper Leftist response to the rapidly growing violence that seriously threatens the lives of marginalised communities, this book could not be more timely. I've split this episode up into two. This first half is: A general overview of the book and some of the problems it seeks to address An introduction to Lacan and why it's his analysis in particular which is so relevant for the present day An explanation of Lacan's discourses, particularly the 5th discourse of capitalism How the master signifier is now the database which undergirds platform capitalism The role of conspiracy and its relationship to capitalism (and the discourses) How trolling is an essential part of this conspiracy thinking (the jouissance of this being an excess which capital can profit from). If you like this podcast generally you should buy the book. It's about 11 quid. https://www.johnhuntpublishing.com/zer0-books/our-books/event-horizon-sexuality-politics-culture Jacob has of course appeared on the show in our conversation about Fantasy and Online Misogyny. Scroll back a few episodes in the feed to find it.

It's another Ask Justin week and this time I'm reading out an article I've written which is available at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships 'I've Never Been Able To Orgasm.' There are a lot of aggregated ideas about sex and bodies in your question which I think would be useful to examine up close to see how much we can see them shifting. The way that you refer to orgasms, the body, and the self could all do with being allowed to move. Please help support the podcast by either signing up to the Patreon or you could also buy some of the resources that I made with Meg-John Barker. Find those at megjohnandjustin.com/publications Justin

I think many of us might agree that #MeToo has been an important and much needed movement. Putting consent, sexual violence, instutional power, and genderered power dynamics, into our everyday conversations. But in what way has it transformed our understandings of consent and justice, and the possibilities for sex. Probably not a lot. It has both uncovered and reinforced very basic and binary notions of consent, justice, and sex and has seemingly got stuck in an endless dialogue which, compared to #BLM, is anything but transformative. But what if we really expand the meanings and possibilities of both consent and justice. How can this both prevent harm on an individual and institutional level. What can we learn to do differently going forward? How can we transform society so that the sociological and legal standard for sex is care, mutuality, co-creation, embodiment, and autonomy? Tina Sikka has written an amazing book about this called Sex, Consent, and Justice and she joins us today. You can buy the book here https://edinburghuniversitypress.com/book-sex-consent-and-justice.html however (I'm sorry to say) it's an academic book and so hugely expensive.